MUSIC THEATRE INTERNATIONAL TOOTSIE Script Music and Lyrics By David Yazbek Book By Robert Horn Exclusively licensed by Music Theatre International 423 West 55th Street New York, NY 10019 All right reserved.Please note this material has yet to be finalized, and is subject to change upon official release. Its intended for advance ("pre-release") perusal purposes only. Should you proceed with securing a performance license for this title, we cannot guarantee that the enclosed content will match the final rental set of materials you will ultimately receive as a part of your license. The final rental materials are the only materials you will be permitted to use. All music, lyrics and dialogue contained herein are the property of the Authors and are fully protected by copyright. You are not permitted to make any changes to the music, lyrics or dialogue of the Play, including the interpolation of new material and/or the exclusion of existing material. Any changes shall constitute a willful infringement of said copyright and will subject you toll the criminal penalties and civil liabilities under the United States Copyright Act. This material must be returned. You may not duplicate any portion of these materials, disseminate them in any way, in whole or in part, including electronic or digital transmission and posting on the Internet, or use them for any other purpose than perusal. Return this item to: MTI MUSIC LIBRARY 31A INDUSTRIAL PARK ROAD NEW HARTFORD, CT 06057 USAToorsie -1- ACT 1, Scene 1. A Broadway Stage - Present Day The curtain rises on New York City. One by one, NEW YORKER’S appear, populating the stage with their enthusiasm and excitement to be part of this thrilling world. MEN AND WOMEN NEW YORK! NEW YORK! KAT ‘THE NIGHT IS FALLING ON MANHATTAN AND SOON THE DAYLIGHT WILL BE GONE ANTHONY ANTICIPATION’S ALL AROUND YOU AS ONE BY ONE THE LIGHTS ARE COMING ON DIANA, HARRIS, KAT, ANTHONY AND YOUR FEET WANNA FLY AND YOUR PULSE WANTS TO RACE SHINA, LESLIE, JOHN “CAUSE YOU'RE FREE AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE NICK YOU'RE RIGHT HERE BRITNEY YOU'RE RIGHT NOW DREW YOU'RE A PART OF NEW YORK ALL AS THE NIGHT COMES ALIVE IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK NOTHING MORE EXCITING NOWHERE MORE DELICIOUS EVERYTHING'S INVITING EVERYTHING'S THE BEST- Toorsie (ALL) EVERY SOUL IS SOARING EVERYONE'S AMBITIOUS NO ONE HERE IS BORING NOTHING IN THE WORLD. ENSEMBLE 1 IS LIKE THE FEELING the feeling that anything is possible here. Even the impossible is possibly possible in — ALL NEW YORK! ENSEMBLE 2 (AW) You dream when you're awake. Any dream can be a dream come true in — ALL NEW YORK! From behind the GROUP of people, MICHAEL DORSEY walks by, speaking as he goes. MICHAEL Underneath this city that’s all pavement, is a city that’s all heart. ALL (MICHAEL) GOD THIS IS EXCITING DON’T YOU FEEL GIDDY? MAN THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT BOY THIS IS THE BEST NOW YOUR LIGHT IS BLAZING WOW THIS IS A CITY Ron? I'm sorry, Ron?! ISN'T THIS AMAZING? AREN'T YOU SO BLESSED Stop, stop, stop. RON, holding a script, zoalks onstage. RON Stop, stop! Let's all stop the rehearsal again because Mitchell has another compelling question MICHAEL It's Michael. Dorsey. And would my character say the city was all heart? He's a traumatized war vet, evicted from his rent-controlled apartment during the sewage baked heat of summer. All heart? I don’t think so!Toorsie RON Where, in the history of the printed libretto, does it say any of that? MICHAEL It's the back story I gave him. RON Back story? He doesn’t even have a name. He's ‘guy who walks by’! MICHAEL My character deserves his truth! I'm just saying what every actor on this stage is thinking! ‘The other ACTORS take one LARGE simultaneous step back. RON Lovee, this is a Ron Carlisle show. My vision, me, creating a living aggregate from the imagination of nothing! You want out? You're out. MICHAEL Of the whole song? RON Of the whole show. Of any show I ever do in the pantheon of ever! Then even after that, after that! MICHAEL This opening number is benign and dishonest, directed by an inept, derivative hack. And this musical sucks! ‘The entire ENSEMBLE'S body language changes. THEY are now narrating his story for us. ENSEMBLE ‘THIS IS THE TALE MICHAEL DORSEY HE IS THE CENTER OF THE PLOT IS HE AN ACTOR, YES OF COURSE HE IS IS HE SUCCESSFUL, YES OF COURSE HE’S NOT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE ISN'T REAL GOOD, NO ONE IN TOWN WOULD DISAGREE HE REALLY COULD BE GOOD AS GIELGUD, BUT YOU WON'T SEE HIS NAME ON THE MARQUEEToorsie Theater Stage - Audition MICHAEL is on a stage auditioning. The DIRECTOR sits at the end of a table, Michael stands at the other. MICHAEL (With an accent) “Carla, I threw it all away, for you, for the kid, just to cross that bridge, Carla. That damn grey bridge’ DIRECTOR 1 That's fine, Mr. Dorsey. Actually, we're looking for someone... younger. ‘MICHAEL rips off his fake mustache. MICHAEL Oh, I can be younger. DIRECTOR 1 Actually, we're looking for someone shorter. MICHAEL takes off one shoe and exaggerates his shortness. MICHAEL Oh, Wait. See. I can be shorter. DIRECTOR 1 Actually, we're looking for somebody... different. MICHAEL Sounds to me like you don’t know what the hell you're looking for! DIRECTOR 1 ‘We're looking for somebody else! (Beat) Get out! ENSEMBLE AND NOW THERE'S SOMETHING QUITE FAMILIAR HE FEELS IT RISING LIKE THE MOON HE'S FEELING VICTIMIZED AND BITTER LIKE NOTHING GOOD IS GONNA HAPPEN SOON ‘THE ODOR OF HUMILIATION BEGINS TO PERMEATE THE ROOM ‘THE PUTRID STENCH OF IT SURROUNDS HIM LIKE AN INEXPENSIVE PROSTITUTE’S PERFUMEToorsie ‘Small Theater Stage - Aud MICHAEL is auditioning, holding a script. MICHAEL (As a British child) “Mummy. Daddy. Come quick. Something's wrong with Biscuit. He was chasing his tail and he fell down the well.’ DIRECTOR 2 Good, but, can you do it happier? MICHAEL Happier? The kid’s dog plunged down a well to its death. Why would he be happy?! DIRECTOR 2 Because I'm the director, and that’s how the playwright wrote it MICHAEL Tell the playwright he’s wrong! DIRECTOR 2 T'malso the playwright. Now get out ENSEMBLE AND HIS FEET START TO THROB AND HIS HEAD STARTS TO ACHE CAUSE HE CAN'T GET A JOB AND HE CAN'T CATCH A BREAK ENSEMBLE MEN BUT HE'S FREE AND HE'S YOUNG ENSEMBLE WOMEN HE’S NOT YOUNG ENSEMBLE MEN YEAH, THAT'S TRUE ENSEMBLE ALL THAT THEY WANT, IS SOMEONE WHO'S EXACTLY NOT YOU SOMEONE MORE EXCITING SOMEONE MORE ATTRACTIVE SOMEONE THEY CAN DEAL WITH NOT ASNOTTY JERK.Toorsie (ENSEMBLE) MAYBE SOMEONE NICER SOMEONE LESS REACTIVE CAN YOU REALLY BLAME THEM? WILL HE EVER WORK?Toorsie MICHAEL walks out towards center stage — DIRECTOR 3 Get out. —HE does a 180 and walks off without ever stopping. ENSEMBLE WOW HE’S BATTING ZERO DUDE IS SO PATHETIC HOW DOES HE KEEP GOING MAYBE HE SHOULD STOP NO, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN SOON THEY'LL ALL BE CLAPPIN’ SOON HE'S GONNA MAKE IT HE'S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP. HE'S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP. HE'S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE — We NOW see MICHAEL in a waiter’s apron. MICHAEL No more orders. Kitchen’s closed! ENSEMBLE TOOCCOOOP!- Toorsie Scene 2.A es Square Tourist Restaurant - Lunchtime MICHAEL and JEFF, late 30's, offbeat and likable, are closing the restaurant, as Michael verbalizes his frustration. MICHAEL How could I not have booked that play, Jeff? I was electric. You know what the problem is? JEFF MICHAEL People are intimidated by your work. People are intimidated by my work (Beat) (Beat) Because you care about the truth? Because I care about the truth! (MICHAEL) I turn 40 today, Jeff! 40! In a harsh and ageist business. JEFF Michael, part of the problem is that you don’t recognize you're all of the problem. MICHAEL Stop procrastinating and write your play so I have something to be in. JEFF ‘Am I perfect? No. Do I try to be a little bit better every day? No. Which is why I considered not doing something this harsh on your birthday, but now I'm thinking, yeah, do it. JEFF tauntingly pulls out a small piece of paper. MICHAEL The list? You kept the list? JEFF When you were 19 what did you say? MICHAEL Keep this list JEFF So I kept the list, of everything you said you'd accomplish by the time you turned 40. MICHAEL Do NOT read that list! JEFF Let me read the list; ‘Make a living exclusively as an actor’. Nope. ‘Do Midsummer with Mery!"Toorsie -9- (JEFF) (Laughing) Nope. Have your parents refer to you as an actor without using air quotes. ‘Nope’. MICHAEL So what should I do? Abandon my idealism because doors are slamming in my face? I don’t give up, Jeff! Duro WHADDYA DO WHEN SUDDENLY YOU REALIZE THE CALENDAR INSIDE YOUR HEAD IS RUNNING OUT OF PAGES? WHADDYA DO IF YOU CAN SEE THE ODDS ARE GOOD YOU'LL NEVER BE ‘THE PERSON YOU'VE BEEN TRYING FOR FOR AGES? IS IT LUCK? IS IT FATE? IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU ATE, LIKE AN OVERWHELMING PLATE OF HUMBLE PIE? WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF IS LAUGHING AT YOU, CALLING YOU A JERK? WHADDYA DO? YOU MAKE IT WORK WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING BUT EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TO EVERYBODY BUT YOU? ALL OF THE PHONIES, FRAUDS AND FAKES, ARE GETTING JOBS AND GETTING BREAKS. AND EATING STEAKS, BUT NOBODY WILL TOUCH YOU? ARE YOU HAUNTED BY THE FACT ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS ACT? AND IT’S ALL YOU WANT TO DO UNTIL YOU DIE? BASHING AWAY AT THE SAME OLD DOOR, YOUR ARMS ARE TIRED, YOUR FISTS ARE SORE, THE PATIENCE YOU'VE GOT LEFT IS WEARING THIN. WHADDYA DO? YOU KICK IT IN10 Toorsie (MICHAEL) SO WHAT AM I, I'M STUCK, STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK. STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED. CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?” AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?” WHADDYA YOU GOT, YOU GOT THAT LIST (OF ALL THE HOPES AND DREAMS I'VE MISSED, WELL TAKE THAT LIST AND ROLL IT IN A BALL. OR BETTER YET, A TUBE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME LUBE ‘CAUSE WHERE'S IT GONNA GO? SOMETIMES I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I’M SAD FOR WHAT I SEE FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, 1 COME TO THE CONCLUSION ‘THERE REALLY MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH. ALL OF THOSE DOUCHEBAGS WHO WON'T HIRE ME. WHADDYA DO, IT’S NATURE'S LAW, ‘THE CARDS YOU'RE DEALT, THE CARDS YOU DRAW. PERHAPS THE HAND YOU'VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN, MAYBE YOU'RE OUT OF ROPE MAYBE YOU'RE OUT OF HOPE SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN! WELL, I'M ALL IN!Toorsie - 411 Scene 3. hael And Jeff’s Apartment - That Afternoon JEFF is in the apartment when there is a knock on the door. He opens it as SANDY enters, carrying a cake. SANDY God, I hate my life. [had a dream last night that a Genie offered me five wishes, and Isaid ‘don’t you mean three’? And he said ‘normally, but you seem to have a lot of problems!’ (Then) I really hope Michael loves this cake I made him JEFF Sandy, stop trying to be friends with an ex. SANDY Michael just needs time to work on his commitment issues. JEFF Michael can’t connect to a woman unless it’s on a stage. He's a scene partner, not a life partner. SANDY What do you know? When was the last time you were in a relationship? JEFF I don’t have relationships. I just avoid people who have seen me naked while trying to find new people to see me naked. SANDY Michael helps me believe in myself. MICHAEL enters... SANDY, JEFF Surprise! HE looks around to see who else is there. No one. MICHAEL What!? We said we weren't doing a... party? SANDY Happy Birthday. MICHAEL I appreciate my friends celebrating me.—wi2e Toorsie JEFF Sandy’s codependent and I live here. SANDY Plus you promised you'd help me rehearse for that big audition. I've been so stressed. MICHAEL Sandy, you're always stressed. Maybe you should talk to someone. SANDY I tried. I just didn’t think a therapist should say ‘wow’ that many times during a first session, MICHAEL What's the audition for? SANDY Juliet’s Curse. A musical continuation of Romeo and Juliet. To sell tickets they cast a reality star to play the lead MICHAEL That sounds horrible! SANDY ‘The actress playing The Nurse got ‘injured’ (SHE makes a ‘drinking’ then ‘snorting’ gesture, Then slaps her upper arm). ‘They're already in rehearsal, so they're desperate. MICHAEL What's the scene? SANDY The Nurse discovers Juliet’s plan to take the sleeping potion and is warning her about the dangers. MICHAEL Alright, let's run it SHE does a slight, intense warm up, then... SANDY Okay. ‘I give this warning to you with grave concern. The slightest mistake will have the most dite of consequences’, MICHAEL What is that?Toorsie Sas JEFF What are you playing? SANDY Fear. JEFF ‘That's fear? SANDY Fear and concern. You know I have a problem separating my emotions. MICHAEL Well there are a hundred other actors auditioning for this who don’t! SANDY —'I give this warning to you’, MICHAEL =I don’t believe you! SANDY —‘With grave concern’ MICHAEL —She could lose her child! SANDY —"The slightest mistake will have the most dire of consequences.” JEFF Is she deranged? SANDY Fine! You show me! MICHAEL What are you doing, southern? ‘I give this warning to you with grave concern, The slightest mistake will have the most dire of consequences’ SANDY See, you're even a better woman than I am, MICHAEL You've got this Sandy. SANDY No I don't, Michael..Toorsie cee (SANDY) 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN I'LL TRY TO GO TO BED WITH FEAR OF FAILURE FLAPPIN’ LIKE A FRUIT BAT IN MY HEAD I'LL SLEEP FOR HALF AN HOUR ‘THE CLOCK’LL RING AT SIX TLL WAKE UP IN THE SHOWER WITH A STOMACH FULL OF BRICKS SO I WON'T HAVE ANY BREAKFAST, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE TEA, LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET A COLONOSCOPY WHICH INCIDENT’LLY ISN'T HALF AS DISCONCERTING OR UPSETTING AS GOING FOR A PART YOU KNOW ‘THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU'RE GETTING, BUT ANYWAY I'M HEADING DOWNTOWN FOR THE AUDITION WHERE EVERYTHING I'M DREADING'LL BE COMING TO FRUITION AND HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN: I'LL WALK IN WEAK WITH HUNGER AND THERE'S A DOZEN GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE ME BUT 10 YEARS YOUNGER T'LLGO INTO THE BATHROOM AND I'LL TRY TO VOCALIZE. AND I'LL BE SINGING “MINGA MINGA MINGA MINGA MING” BUT I'LL BE HEARING “SANDY SUCKS SHE REALLY SUCKS, SHE REALLY REALLY REALLY BLOWS AND SHE'S OLD, AND SHE'S LAME,” AND THEN SOMEONE CALLS MY NAME~ AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS: I'LL WALK INTO THE ROOM, THE GROSS FLUORESCENT LIGHTING AS INVITING AS A TOMB.Toorsie - 15 (SANDY) AND EVERYBODY SMILES, ‘THEY'LL SAY “IT’S GOOD TO SEE YA!" BUT ALL I'LLSEE IS JUDGES AND THEY'LL ALL LOOK LIKE SCALIA AND THEN A LITTLE BANTER AS THEY LOOK ME UP AND DOWN AND SOMEWHERE THROUGH THE FOG OF INSECURITY AND HATE I'LL TRY TO CONVINCE THEM ‘THAT I'M CHARMING AND I'M CLEVER AND I'M FUN TO HAVE AROUND. BUT I’M STARTING TO UNRAVEL, IN MY HEAD I HEAR THE GAVEL (BANG) “GUILTY!” ‘THEY'RE GONNA THROW THE BOOK AT ME CAUSE I'M: (BANG) “GUILTY!” OF COMING IN AND WASTING ALL THEIR TIME (BANG) “GUILTY!” OF ALMOST EVERY OTHER SHOWBIZ CRIME: NOT YOUNG ENOUGH, NOT THIN ENOUGH, NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, NOT GOOD ENOUGH — “We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables, and debilitating self loathing.” Sandy — MICHAEL SANDY BUT WAIT! NOW SOMEONE'S ASKIN’ “SO CAN WE HEAR YOUR VOICE” I MAKE A LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR “DO I HAVE A CHOICE?” INOD AT THE PIANIST, HE'S ALWAYS WEARING BLACK HE'S ALWAYS IN A TURTLE-NECK WITH DANDRUFF ON HIS BACK NO SOONER DO I GET MY NOTE, AND OPEN UP MY TRAP ‘THEN INEVITABLY SOME MEALY-MOUTHED ASSISTANT DIRECTOR'S. ‘THUMBS ARE ALL OVER HIS IPHONE AND I KNOW HE'S PROBABLY ‘TWEETING “LOL, THIS GIRL IS CRAP!” SHE'S A FAKE, SHE'S A PHONY16 Toorsie (SANDY) SHE COULD NEVER WIN A TONY™— AND NOW I’M IN A PLACE I KNOW QUITE WELL, I'VE LEFT THE WORLD, AND I'VE ENTERED HELL I'M THIS FAR AWAY FROM A FAINTING-SPELL, BUT JUST BEFORE I DIE, I~ FINISH THE SONG (WHICH I OVERSELL), SOMEBODY SAYS “THANKS” AND WISHES ME WELL ‘THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M AT TACO-BELL, STUFFING MY FACE WITH MEAT I'M TRYING TO TAKE IT SLOWLY I'M TRYING TO BE MY BEST I'M TRYING TO BE MORE HOLY, LESS BITTER AND DEPRESSED I'M READING ECKHART TOLLE, HE MAKES A LOT OF SENSE 1 BOUGHT A BUDDHIST BOWL HE SAYS IT HELPS YOU BE LESS TENSE SHE strikes a copper meditation boul to calm down. It fails. Sandy— Always! Sandy! Michael, no! IT DOESN'T DO A THING FOR ME, I SIT THERE ON THE FLOOR AND WATCH A VIVID SEQUENCE (OF HUMILIATING INCIDENTS FROM MY PAST GO BY AND THINK WHAT KIND OF MASOCHIST KEEPS COMING BACK FOR MORE, WHEN SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, “CAUSE IT NEVER DOESN'T HAPPEN, CAUSE IT ALWAYS— MICHAEL SANDY MICHAEL SANDY 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN DON'T TELL ME THAT I DON'TToorsie 17 - (SANDY) AND DON’T SAY THAT I'LL RISE ‘TO THE OCCASION ‘CAUSE I WON'T AND DON’T SAY I'VE GOT TALENT AND DON’T SAY I'VE GOT HEART AND DON’T SAY THAT I'M CLEVER “CAUSE | KNOW I'M PRETTY SMART— I'M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I'M TOO STUPID TO ADMIT YOU CAN'T SURVIVE A DIET ‘THAT CONSISTS OF EATING SHIT. ‘THE TRICK IS KNOWING WHEN IT’S TIME ‘TO PACK YOUR BAGS AND SAY “THAT'S IT!” YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN! HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN 1. QUIT. 1 QUIT. | QUIT.wisn Toorsie Scene 4. Stan’s Office - That Afternoon STAN is on the phone in his overstuffed office. MICHAEL bursts in waving the sides he read with Sandy. MICHAEL, ‘There's a new Romeo and Juliet musical. Why wasn’t I sent in for that? Aren't you supposed to be my agent, Stan? STAN (Into phone) Nancy, I'll call you back. An actor just walked in so it must be important. (To Michael) Michael, I was on the phone with the coast. MICHAEL New York is a coast too, Stan. STAN New York is a congested island lodged between two cesspools, and I'm the lifeguard making sure actors don’t drown in their own narcissism. Now what do you want? MICHAEL A job! What about that new play I read for? ‘Anywhere But Nowhere’. You said you'd push. STAN I pushed. They wanted a name. MICHAEL I'ma name. Michael Dorsey is a name. STAN To the IRS and your mother Michael Dorsey’s a name. Besides, it’s already been cast. MICHAEL Who got it? STAN John Edgars. MICHAEL Seriously? I can act circles around that guy! We did a play in the round. I actually acted circles around him! I'm a great actor, Stan. STAN You're also a temperamental actor. You couldn’t shoot a simple commercial without fighting with the director over your character's ‘truth!’ You were playing a tomato.Toorsie - 19 - MICHAEL He wanted me to sit. A tomato can’t sit. It wasn’t logical! STAN A tomato doesn’t have logic!! A tomato can’t move! MICHAEL That's what I said! So if it can’t move, how is it going to sit?! I was a sexy, stand-up, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me! I bust my ass to get a part right. STAN Yet you have this destructive impulse to change everything! MICHAEL I just try to make things better! STAN Why?! MICHAEL Because better is better! STAN Michael, you fight with everyone. You get fired from everything. People hate you. MICHAEL No one hates me. STAN No one likes you. You're arrogant and difficult. A director told me he'd rather watch. a3-D movie of his own conception than ever work with you again. MICHAEL What I am is committed. Acting is a battlefield, and I fight naked and exposed! STAN Well the war's over, get dressed and go home! You lost. MICHAEL Are you calling me a loser, Stan? STAN Oh no. I am not getting sucked into this conversation. MICHAEL Maybe you just aren't a good enough agent to get me into those rooms, STAN And maybe you need to reexamine your life. You have one of the worst reputations in this town. No one will hire you!20 Toorsie MICHAEL You're wrong Stan! And I'll prove you're wrong! STAN All you'll prove is that you're unmanageable and unemployable. Just another 40 year old actor without a job, or an agent. MICHAEL storms out as Stan's office disappears. Michael is still holding the pages ‘from Sandy's play. MICHAEL SO WHAT AM I, I'M STUCK, STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED” AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?” WHADDYA DO, IT’S NATURE'S LAW, THE CARDS YOU'RE DEALT, THE CARDS YOU DRAW PERHAPS THE HAND YOU'VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN HE looks at the pages in his hands and gets a thought. MAYBE YOU'RE OUT OF ROPE MAYBE YOU'RE OUT OF HOPE SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN! WELL, 'M ALLIN!Toorsie - 21 - Scene 5. Rehearsal Room - Day Sitting behind a table are RON, the director we saz earlier, RITA the Producer, STUART, the composer, and SUZIE, the lyricist. One by one we see different actresses auditioning. As each auditions, the PRODUCERS rudely talk to each other. I Won't Let You Down (Auditions) GIRL 1 I WON'T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE YM HERE AND ALIVE RON Thank you, honey. Next. GIRL 2 I WON'T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE— RON ‘Thank you, sweetie. Next. We see the next person singing for them is SANDY. SANDY I WON'T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME RON ‘Thank you. SANDY You're welcome. BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE RON Thank you. SANDY ‘You're welcome. YM HERE AND ALIVE.= Toorsie RON That's all we need. Thank you. SANDY Oh. You're welcome. (last try) YM HERE AND A~ Okay then. SHE walks out, The STAGE MANAGER calls out. STAGE MANAGER Next? Next? DOROTHY [0.S.] Hi, yes, I'm coming. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm Dorothy Michaels. Ina flowing print dress, with perfectly done hair and carefully applied make-up, DOROTHY MICHAELS pushes through both doors and emerges. SHE sees Ron and, startled, turns away. RON approaches her, looking at her intensely. RON You! (Beat) Stand here! DOROTHY Yes. I thought I'd start with the song. RITA What about her? RON DOROTHY —Nope. She didn’t even look like —Unless you'd like the scene work this! Nope. You call that talent? first? I could do it either way, if you'd Nope, too nope. My God No! prefer — RITA (Overlapping) This one had no talent. Not right. She couldn't sing it— DOROTHY Excuse me. Excuse me! I'm sorry, but to us actors, this is a chance. It's a victory or a failure or a lesson, but a chance. We battle our fears just walking through that door and I think that deserves some courtesy, and shame on you if you don’t.Toorsie SS RITA Is this for real or are you just auditioning for the part? DOROTHY Which answer gives me an advantage? RITA (Impressed) Well good for you. I'm Rita Marshall, the Producer. DOROTHY It’s an honor to meet you. RITA ‘There are people who wouldn't agree. These are our authors, Stuart and Suzie. STUART Y'm Suzie. THEY both chuckle, then. SUZIE He's kidding. I'M Suzie. THEY laugh. RITA Aren't they fun. And this is our director-choreographer, Ron Carlisle. RON (Obviously) She knows who I am. DOROTHY ‘Yes. We've alll seen what you can do to a musical, Mr. Carlisle. RON Do I know you, honey? DOROTHY Not well enough to call me honey. RON ‘Thanks anyway, but I'm envisioning more of a ‘not you’ type. DOROTHY Mr. Carlisle, I'm an actress. A character actress. I can play this part any way you want. RON You have barely a puddle of experience.- 24 - Toorsie RITA Why not see what she can do. DOROTHY —Thank you. Sister. RON Rita, I'm the director! RITA —And I write the checks. RON —Why not see what she can do, DOROTHY Yes, let's all see what I can do, shall we? The loving Nurse comforts a young Juliet. SHE signals the piano player I Won't Let You Down I'VE ALWAYS IMAGINED THAT YOU ARE THE FLOWER AND 1AM THE DIRT MY WORLD SPINS AROUND YOU WHENEVER YOU FALL, I'M THE ONE WHO GETS HURT. IGIVE YOU ALL HAVE, GIVE ME ONE THING IN RETURN— HELP ME HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO LEARN. THAT I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. I'LLGIVE YOU MY HEART AND SOUL. I'LL BE HERE TO PLAY ANY ROLE YOU NEED ME TO PLAY. 1 WON'T LET YOU DOWN, WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE. YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST, 1GIVE YOU MY WORD AND I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.Toorsie RON ‘Thank you. RITA Keep going. RON Keep going. DOROTHY NOBODY SEES ME AND NOBODY LISTENS AND NOBODY CARES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN HERE LOVE AND DEVOTION ‘THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED. (To pianist) Pick it up. IWON'T LET YOU DOWN (To Pianist) That's good, thank you. BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME, BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE YM HERE AND ALIVE. IWON’T LET YOU DOWN “CAUSE WHEN I FELT EMPTY INSIDE ‘YOU FILLED UP MY CUP, ‘YOU LIFTED ME UPI WON'T LET YOU DOWN. (To pianist) Whole step please. I'LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I'LL DO WHAT YOU NEED ME TO DO. I PROMISE I'LL ALWAYS COME THROUGH. JUST CALL AND I'M THERE. IWON’T LET YOU DOWN, WHOEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE. YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST, 1GIVE YOU MY WORD, IWON'T LET YOU DOWN. PLEASE MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE26 Toorsie (DOROTHY) REMEMBER MY VOICE 1 WON'T LET YOU DOWN. JUST GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT 1 LOVE YOU ALOT 1 WON'T LET YOU DOWN. I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. HE stands there, exhausted. THEY gaze at him, stunned.Toorsie Sy Scene 6. - Lights Back Up On The Restaurant - Evening DOROTHY enters and sits in Jeff's section. JEFF approaches. JEFF Good evening, and welcome to On The Bone, Times Square's most unfortunately named steakhouse. DOROTHY Forgive me for staring, but you are a handsome and strikingly fit man. You must be extremely disciplined to stay this stalwart. JEFF I believe the secret to achieving any goal is to do what you can, then tell people that was the goal DOROTHY Let me guess. You're a... model, no... writer! JEFF You are both perceptive and charming. But tonight, I'm a waiter, here to deliver you a mid-level culinary experience. DOROTHY Well then, I'd like the filet. Medium. And an Iced Tea. With a paper straw. And some mint. And a Dubonnet. With a twist. And if that’s too much to remember, I could write a list and twenty years from now you could take it out to see how much of it you've accomplished. JEFF tries to rectify what he heard with what he is seeing. Dorothy Michaels. JEFF (Beat) So... do you wanna talk about it? MICHAEL I got a job. In the musical Sandy auditioned for. JEFF Wait. You auditioned for a part in a Broadway musical, dressed as a - female quaker, and got it? MICHAEL I didn’t just get it. I nailed it! (As DOROTHY) “No one even questioned me’. I start rehearsal tomorrow!28 - Toorsie JEFF You can’t be serious? At a time when women are literally clutching their power back from between the legs of men, you have the audacity to take a job away from one by perpetrating one? MICHAEL You're not focusing on the positive here, Jeff. I got the part! I won! JEFF No. You didn’t. You're pretending to be a woman to get a job! And you know you'll have to take a pay cut. MICHAEL No one would hire me as a man. JEFF Michael, we've been friends a long time. You've seen me so drunk, I sat on the toilet and tried to fasten my seatbelt. So I'm going to be as honest as you're not being. What you're doing is an insult to all women, old women, young women, gay, straight, trans women, all women. Which you're not. Not to mention... what are you going to tell Sandy? MICHAEL Because I got the part she wanted? JEFF ‘This was her part?! She lost her part to you!? MICHAEL You think she'll get emotional? JEFF Emotional? Sandy? The girl who once choked on her food just so someone would hold her? MICHAEL Fine. Then we won't tell her. JEFF Okay, fine, and even if you do master this ‘Faye Dunaway as a gym coach, glittering, clearance sale, Jack Sparrow’ character you've created, how can you possibly sustain i? If you think you'll get away with this, your head is so far up your ass you're going to smudge your eye liner. MICHAEL First of all, I don’t think you should be telling me what I can do with my body. And second, I am getting away with this. Oh, and I need to borrow money for clothes.Toorsie - 29 - JEFF (Re: his dress) What's wrong with that? MICHAEL I can’t wear the same outfit twice! Be honest, does this make me look heavy? JEFF No. You look— difficult to abduct. MICHAEL Give me your money. JEFF What about her past? Everyone has a digital footprint! MICHAEL That's why you're going to write a viral history for her, give her a digital back story that is inspiring, yet humbling. We know enough plays, we'll pull from them. JEFF Michael, if God is a woman, you are going to hell MICHAEL Jeff, 've waited my entire career for a part this good. Trust me, Dorothy Michaels is ‘going to change my life forever!- 30 - Toorsie Scene 7. Rehearsal Stu: - Day The ENSEMBLE is rehearsing a number. RON Five-six-seven-eight. Its not going well. Stop! Stop! I need accentuated movements. One-two-watch-me, ‘bounce bounce bounce bounce, Fosse arm, Fosse arm, restless leg yeah, change the light bulb, change the light bulb, danger danger, floor is lava, hot hot, lava hot, Julie Taymor, Julie Taymor, fidget spinner, and then lap dance, brain freeze, brain freeze, tiny fingers, take a selfie turn it out and pose! This is text book Broadway, people. Suddenly, DOROTHY enters. ALL heads turn to face her. DOROTHY Oh. Hello. I hope I'm not late. RON We're about to do your scene. What's your name again, precious? DOROTHY Michael...s. Dorothy Michaels. RON (To the room) Me please! Me! Me! This is Dorothy Michaels. She'll be playing our Nurse. DOROTHY Hello, everybody. EVERYONE mumbles hello. The STAGE MANAGER approaches. STAGE MANAGER There are new pages, everyone, Here's your script, Miss Michaels. DOROTHY Are we going to read through it? RON Julie, darling, when you're ready. DOROTHY —I guess not. Suddenly, JULIE NICHOLS approaches. She's beautiful, simple, in control.Toorsie - 31 JULIE Hi. DOROTHY Hi. I'm so sorry. I haven't had any time with the material JULIE ‘There isn’t enough time. Julie Nichols. DOROTHY Dorothy Michaels. RON Scene three, Page 28. The crypt. There's a chilling discovery. Juliet is dead. And... Nurse! THEY take their places. Juliet lays next to Romeo, a dagger in her heart, MICHAEL reads the script and reacts as he goes. NURSE. “The child I raised as my own is gone. Killed by love.” RON Now Juliet wakes up. NURSE. Ym sorry, Juliet wakes up? JULIET (Waking up, unsure) ‘Nurse?’ DOROTHY Yes she does. (Reading) “Juliet? Alive? Who would believe this?” She even says that, RON But what's this? The dagger has pierced the case containing the potion, sparing the girls life! DOROTHY What? RON She sees her dead lover's body, when suddenly, Romeo's brother enters. That's you Max.- 32 - Toorsie MAX VAN HORN, 30's, built, handsome, with limited acting skills and reading as he ‘goes, enters, DOROTHY Wait. Brother? Romeo has a — CRAIG — Brother?” DOROTHY —Yes he does. CRAIG “Are you here? Rome...? And who be this? (HE touches her butt) But, soft. What light through yonder.” (Beat. Waiting) It says a window breaks? DOROTHY Oh dear God. JULIET “Lam Juliet. Romeo spoke often of his brother. Craig.” CRAIG “And did he mention this? HE rips his shirt open, looking around the room for approval. “Your beauty is unlike any I have seen.’ JULIET ‘Sir, if Romeo knew of this seduction, he would dig his way out of his grave and haunt us.’ NURSE. “Let him dig, dear, we'll bury him upside down.’ I'm sorry, Ron? I'm not sure I know what's going on, Can we at least have a discussion? RON My discussions are with me. Julie, precious. Aword... (As HE guides her away) I'm moving you, I'm not touching you.. MICHAEL watches. He is then approached by MAX.Toorsie - 33 - MAX Max Van Horn. DOROTHY ‘Hi. Yes. Dorothy Michaels. MAX ‘Taking the shirt off was my idea. It’s what they’re coming for, DOROTHY Is it? MAX You know, ever since I won Race To Bachelor Island, I've only had one dream, Maybe it’s because I'm a light sleeper. That dream is to astonish on a stage. DOROTHY ‘You may just get that dream. MAX Now, I have fame, but you know what I don’t have? DOROTHY MAX Talent? Respect. MAX But I want to push myself, It’s always about the journey, not the destination. Unless you're in an ambulance. My acting coach, Randy, he says I'm different. DOROTHY In what way? MAX (Using Randy's voice) ‘Max, you're different’. He says that acting is about pretending to not be pretending. DOROTHY ‘True, but it’s also about listening to what the other person is— MAX —I feel a connection with you, Dorothy. (He bows) Namaste. Now- I'm-a-go. RON Alright everyone. Let’s begin the song celebrating Juliet’s survival, and prepare to weather a tsunami of Ron Carlisle brilliance.Toorsie ea JULIET ON MY BACK, IN MY BED IT WAS DARK, I WAS DEAD. COULDN'T MOVE, COULDN'T TALK, COULDN'T BREATHE, AND I SURE COULDN'T WALK. NO MORE DUSK, NO MORE DAWN, ‘THIS WAS IT, I WAS GONE. BUT THEN, LO! THERE'S A LIGHT AND SURPRISE, SURPRISE- 1OPEN MY EYES— I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M ALIVE! DON’T HOLD YOUR NOSE I WON'T DECOMPOSE ISMELL LIKE A ROSE, I'M ALIVE! MY WORLD. WAS A DUD LOTS OF DEATH, LOT'S OF BLOOD. SO MY LIFE I WOULD TAKE BUT NOW I’M THINKING THAT'S A BIG MISTAKE I'M ALIVE. I'M ALIVE! HALLELUJAH I’M ALIVE. ‘THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE SUN AND THE TREES AND THE WINE AND THE CHEESE WOMEN (GasP!) No! MEN SHE'S ALIVE SHE'S ALIVE WOMEN BLOOD! MEN SHE'S ALIVE SHE'S ALIVE WOMEN & MEN AHToorsie SHE'S ALIVE, SHE'S ALIVE, ALIVE, I'M ALIVE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I'M ALIVE MEN WOMEN SHE'S ALIVE, AH, ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE! SHE WAS ALMOST DEAD BUT ALIVE! JULIET WHAT CAN I SAY? I GOT CARRIED AWAY, BUT NOW'S A NEW DAY~ I'M ALIVE! RON ACCENTUATED MOVEMENTS, PEOPLE BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! FOSSE FOSSE! FOSSE FOSSE! BRAIN FREEZE THE FLOOR IS LAVA RON, ENSEMBLE HOT HOT HOT HOT IT’S HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT RON HAPPY BUNNY FUNNY BUNNY FRIGHTENED BUNNY IN THE HOLE! WHERE'S THE BUNNY? WHERE'S THE BUNNY? HE'S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER, GO! BYE FELICIA! TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER LAP DANCE, ‘TURN IT OUT AND WHEEL ‘EM IN! JULIET ENSEMBLE ALIVE! ALIVE! ALIVE! MAX ALIVE! AND HERE'S THE HEADLINE SHE'S GONNA BE MINE JULIET I REALLY DODGED A BULLET ALL THE PLUMBING’S WORKING THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T BURY ME “CAUSE I'M ALIVE! ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE- 36 - Toorsie MAX, ENSEMBLE WE CAN'T OVERSTATE IT, YOU'RE NOT CREMATED JULIET, MAX, ENSEMBLE IT’S REALLY REALLY GREAT THAT YOU'RE/I'M. ALIVE! As the song ends, DOROTHY/MICHAEL is stunned. STAGE MANAGER ‘That's lunch.Toorsie ae Scene 8. Small Park - That Afternoon DOROTHY and JULIE enter a park, both of them frustrated. DOROTHY So, I just have one question. What the hell was that?! JULIE Oh my God, yes, I know! DOROTHY The biggest tragedy is that Max! He must be quite talented to be able to conceal it so well. We deserve better than a show where we don’t know who to sympathize with, other than the audience. JULIE I like you, Dorothy. You speak your mind. So where are you from? DOROTHY Oh, well, I grew up in a quaint little Hamlet. Momma and Daddy were farmers. Momma died of pneumonia about the time my brother left for college, so I took over the fields. JULIE ‘That sounds like Our Town, DOROTHY Yes, yes it does. MICHAEL reacts, as RON enters and approaches. RON Julie, love, [had a feeling you'd be here JULIE You did ask me where I was going. RON And you were right! I must say you looked beautiful in rehearsal DOROTHY Beautiful? Yes, but she also made some very smart acting choices. RON Well, sure, that wasn’t what I — (To Julie) I've been desperately trying to steal time alone with you to chat about your character. You've been quite slippery, but I don't give up.- 38 - Toorsie JULIE That says more about your character than mine. RON like how I don't like how you talk to me. JULIE How about we do this another day, Ron? RON Of course, No means another day. DOROTHY Vd be happy to chat about my character any time, Ron. RON Are you sure we haven’t met? I feel like I've been annoyed by you before this. HE gives Dorothy a threatening look, then leaves, DOROTHY He's the real problem. They should take all pompous men like him and just stick them on an island somewhere. JULIE They did, It's called Manhattan, DOROTHY So are you interested? JULIE Ron's not even my type on tequila. DOROTHY Then why not just tell him? JULIE Because he's a director who hired me, who talks to other directors who hire me, so handle it. DOROTHY I'd handle it by kneeing his balls through the roof of his mouth? JULIE It's not worth it. I don't let anything, or anyone, get in the way of what I want. DOROTHY And, (fishing) is there anyone in your life now?Toorsie - 39 - JULIE No. There was. A while back. We wanted very different things. But you know this life, you have to be willing to risk everything for that one thing, 1 WAS THE GIRL IN THE BUBBLE AT SCHOOL BEHIND MY OWN PERSONAL WALL FOR PROTECTION YD SIT THERE ALONE LIKE A FOOL I NEVER WAS ABLE TO MAKE A CONNECTION THEN ONE DAY I TRIED OUT FOR THE PLAY V'LL NEVER FORGET IT, “A FLEA IN HER EAR” AND I WAS SUDDENLY SOMEONE WITH SOMETHING TO SAY MAKING A SOUND EVERYBODY COULD HEAR AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING MADE SOME SENSE. ‘THEN I SAW THIS GUY IN THE AUDIENCE CAUSE THERE WAS JOHN, FIFTH ROW ON THE AISLE WITH A BIG SMILE ON AND AFTER THE SHOW HE CAME BACKSTAGE AND NOW THAT THIS BIRDIE WAS OUT OF HER CAGE WELL, EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. WE DATE FOR A YEAR, THEN WE'RE CO-HABITATING ‘THEN I GET A BIG CHANCE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP- AWAY FROM A JOB I WAS HATING AND INTO A SLOT IN THE REGIONAL REP IN REHEARSAL ALL DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY CREATING AND PLAYING IN PLAY AFTER PLAY AND NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, IGNITING THE SPARK CONNECTING WITH ALL OF THOSE FOLKS IN THE DARK AND JOHN, WAS THERE, THERE WITH THE SMILE AND HIS HANDS IN THE AIR CLAPPING FOR ME AND BACK HOME WE'D GO, HAPPY TOGETHER FOR EIGHT OR NINE HOURS OR $0.40 Toorsie (JULIE) AND EVERYTHING WAS OKAY AND THEN I'D BE GONE AGAIN- ‘THIS LIFE TAKES EVERYTHING YOU GIVE IT, LIKE A PUPPY OR A KID JULIE, DOROTHY BUT IF YOU REALLY LOVE IT, YOU LIVE IT JULIE AND THAT'S WHAT I DID. PLAYED CAROUSEL ON THE ROAD FOR THE WINTER, FROM APRIL TO JUNE, I TOURED “CABARET” ‘THEN “MOTHER COURAGE” IN STOCK IN NEW ENGLAND ALL SUMMER AND JOHN TRIED TO CALL ALMOST EVERYDAY HE TOLD ME HE WANTED SOME KIDS AND A WIFE AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED, THIS IS MY LIFE. I MADE MY CHOICE, BUT I NEVER EXPRESSED IT AND WHEN I GOT HOME, CAN YOU GUESS- DOROTHY Yeah, I guessed it. JULIE JOHN WAS GONE, EVERYTHING ON THE LEFT OF THE CLOSET WAS GONE. HIS ELECTRIC GUITAR AND HIS AMP AND HIS CAR WERE GONE. JUST POOF ‘THERE I WAS STANDING, UNDER OUR ROOF ALONE... AND YES MY HEART WAS ALMOST BROKEN BUT I MADE MY CHOICE AND I’D MAKE IT AGAIN, AND NOW, WHERE'S JOHN? I THINK PORTLAND, MAINE ‘OR MAYBE IT’S OREGON. WITH A KID AND A WIFE AND HERE IS ME, ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM, NUMBER ONE THOUSAND AND THREEToorsie 41 (JULIE) EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE EXACTLY WHERE WE SHOULD BE AND EVERYTHING'S OK Actually, it’s more than okay. Being in Juliet’s Curse makes me want to be a better actress, so I can be in better shows. Cause this one is bad. DOROTHY But it doesn’t have to be. We can fix it. We can make it better. JULIE ‘Craig could walk in and fall for the nurse and it would be better. DOROTHY You know what? It would, JULIE (Catching on) You know what? I’m listening. DOROTHY We'll give it a few days, then here's what I'm thinking.- 42 - Toorsie Scene 9. Rehearsal Room - A Week Later RITA, RON, STUART AND SUZIE watch MAX rehearse a dance with swords that ends in Max's shirt flying off. DOROTHY and JULIE enter. MAX You cannot keep me from my brother. A plaque on both your houses. RON He breaks into the crypt. DOROTHY Okay, today’s the day. Are you ready? JULIE Tam so ready! THEY shake hands in agreement. RON Settle, people. Settle. The nurse sees her lifeless child. But what's this? JULIET NURSE. “Nurse?” “Nurse?” NURSE “Juliet? Alive?” NURSE RON “Who would believe thi “Who would believe this?’ RON ‘The brother enters. CRAIG RON “Brother? Are you here? Rome...0?” “Brother? Are you here? Rome...0?" CRAIG “And who be this?’ DOROTHY gets behind Julie, as if Craig is speaking to her. NURSE ~‘Who be this, you ask? I am Juliet’s Nurse.’ MAX looks around, unsure what to do.Toorsie - 43 - CRAIG (To fuiet) Uh... ‘your beauty is unlike any I have seen.’ NURSE “But sir, we've just met!” MAX (Unsure) No... Iwas talking to— NURSE —'Me! You were talking to me!’ MAX —What's happening? RON —What's happening? MAX —What's happening? RON —What's happening? JULIET “But Nurse, he is my chance at happiness NURSE “Dear Child, you can’t help who you fall in love with. And I am who he has fallen in. love with’ RON —What the hell is happening? ‘The NURSE pulls Craig downstage and demands his attention. NURSE. ‘No, look at me if you want me, Sir!’ MAX Wow. You are a strong woman. I like it RON Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! What the - stop - hell was that? DOROTHY Rita, it was an impulse; A chance to see a woman in her prime, express her desires.- 44 - Toorsie JULIE ‘As her young ward learns her happiness is not dependent on a man. RITA (Curious) Keep talking... DOROTHY A story of two women living their unfulfilled potential! RON —Listen, honey, I've endured a week of this insurgence of interruptions from that foghorn voice. It stops now. Now! DOROTHY ‘We're just trying to give these characters some depth, since we're the ones playing them, RON And I'm the one with the vision for this musical! DOROTHY Good. What is it? RON You think this is my first show? Trust me, precious, I know a thing or two. DOROTHY That's really not an impressive number of things to know. RON If you don’t like how I do things, Tootsie, you can leave. DOROTHY ‘My name is Dorothy. Not precious, or honey, or Tootsie. Stuart is always Stuart. Max is always Max. Dorothy. And this nurse. And I'm just trying to find something to play. RON You're suggesting (Re: Max's chest) that, would fall for (Re: Dorothy) that? DOROTHY ‘Why not? Because she's not a traditional beauty? Because she’s past her socially imposed prime?Toorsie - 45 - RON Yes! My God, yes! DOROTHY She can drive the romance of a story. She has desires, too, RON She's the Nurse. Who cares what she wants? DOROTHY (Calmly) I think you're wrong, RON My God, you don’t have to get hysterical! DOROTHY Ym not— I wasn’t— (Beat) I'm just saying what everyone in this room is thinking. EVERYONE takes a step towards Dorothy. MAX You should listen to her. She’s smart. And sturdy, RON Julie? Love? JULIE Y'm with her RON Rita? We don’t think this idea is good, do we? RITA Ron, I've got twelve million riding on this show. None of it mine. ‘Sometimes you have to take a risk, You know how my parents taught us to swim? ‘They said “get this wrong and you'll die’. At that moment, I lost all fear, and a half brother I wasn’t that close to. I'm gonna gamble on the smartest voice in the room, especially when it's coming from a woman. Peed 1 LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING THIS MIGHT BE A THING SHE'S GIVING IT FEELING SHE'S MAKING IT SING46 - Toorsie (RITA) SHE'S FUN BUT PROFOUND LET'S NOT SHUT THIS DOWN I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING. WHAT SHE'S SELLING I'M BUYING IT’S SOMETHING WE NEED I LOVE THAT SHE'S TRYING— LET'S FOLLOW HER LEAD WE WERE FLAT ON OUR BACK BUT NOW WE'RE ON TRACK SHE'LL POLISH THIS TURD INTO TREASURE SOMEHOW, JUST MAYBE— IF DOROTHY KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW We have work to do! God knows how we got this far, but ready or not, we move to the theater tomorrow! We travel to the theater, EVERYONE excited. STAGE MANAGER All right kids, it’s your favorite stage manager Carl. Break’s over. We're going to rehearse the new Juliet-Nurse scene. Everyone else, there's a revised schedule on the board. Don't forget to sign back in. Dorothy, Julie, the stage is yours! DOROTHY and JULIE enter. JULIET “He saw your motionless hair and avocado figure, and I lost the one man I love.’ NURSE “To be fair, dear, you did kill the last one. Juliet, don't I deserve a chance at a future that celebrates me?" Dorothy turns to the writers. DOROTHY This is really good. DOROTHY then talks to Julie. Are you okay with all this? JULIE Are you kidding? 1 LOVE WHAT WE'RE SAYING. I'M SMILING AT LAST. IT'S GREAT HOW WE'RE PLAYING.Toorsie a7 - (JULIE) I'M HAVING A BLAST. 1 TRUST YOU COMPLETELY- SO DOES THE WHOLE CAST- WE LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! We see the COSTUME DESIGNER holding fabric swatches. RITA points to the one Dorothy chose STUART ‘SHE'S GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL THAT MAKES YOU ENGAGI SUZIE IT’S ALMOST ELECTRIC WHEN SHE HITS THE STAGE RITA AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT SHE’S TAKING THIS TURKEY AND MAKING IT WORK RITA, STUART, SUZIE ANDI CAN'T TELL YOU HOW BUT HONEY, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW DOROTHY is looking at sketches with the COSTUME DESIGNER Dorothy starts pointing to the sketches she likes. DOROTHY Rita, forget the renaissance. I'm thinking all new costumes. 50's. Fellini. Fabulous. SHE shows a sketch to Rita, RITA Dorothy, I love it! RITA walks off.- Toorsie Stage - Day Dance Section - Passage Of Time We see RON on his therapist's couch. RON SHE WON'T TAKE DIRECTION SHE'S CHANGING THE PLAY SHE'S LIKE AN INFECTION ‘THAT WON'T GO AWAY SHE JUST WANTS TO FIGHT ME SHE DOES IT TO SPITE ME 1 HATE WHAT SHE'S DOING IT’S VERY TRAUMATIC I'M REALLY UPSET IT’S BRINGING UP MEM’RIES I NEED TO FORGET STEALING MY GIRL. TEALING MY SHOW AND I’M READY TO BLOW ALL BECAUSE OF THAT COW GOD DAMMIT, SHE’S GOT TO STOP DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW. JULIE and MAX are rehearsing as DOROTHY directs them. MAX (Rehearsing to himself) Okay, Max. New clothes, new lines. You got this. DOROTHY and JULIE enter. JULIE “if you take her, you had better take care of her! MAX “Twill devote my life to her happiness. love her’ DOROTHY Mean it!Toorsie MAX “1 will devote my life to her happiness. I love her’. DOROTHY I don’t believe you! MAX “{will devote my life to her happiness. (To Dorothy) Ilove her.’ DOROTHY Well done, Max. SHE kisses his cheek, DOROTHY and JULIE leave. MAX HEY! I LIKE WHAT SHE'S DOING SHE’S GOT SO MUCH HEART SHE'S SO FRIGGIN’ SEXY AND SO FRIGGIN’ SMART SHE'S MADE ME AN ACTOR SHE'S BUILT LIKE A TRACTOR I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING ENSEMBLE MEN WE TOTALLY NEED HER. I LOVE HER BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS A LEADER WHATEVER SHE DOES. SOMETHING WAS MISSING AND SHE’S WHAT IT WAS. I MEAN EVERYONE'S STANDING WHEN SHE TAKES HER BOW, GOD WILLING, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW.50 - Toorsie Stage - Night The NURSE is talking to Juliet. JULIET ‘How will I live without you here?’ NURSE “Happily, Juliet. Though parting is such sweet sorrow! JULIET “Then let's gather by the fountain so we can all say arrivederci.’ THEY hug. DOROTHY approaches Rita in the wings. RITA Dorothy, you've turned this show into a joyous anthem for all women. So, I'm officially changing the title from Juliet’s Curse, to Juliet’s Nurse! DOROTHY smiles, then walks ONSTAGE for a performance. DOROTHY ENSEMBLE AHAH AH AH AH I WON'T LET YOU DOWN AH BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN ME BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED AND NOW ANYBODY CAN SEE- YM REALLY ALIVE AH VLLNEVER LET YOU DOWN WON'T LET YOU DOWN YM NO LONGER EMPTY INSIDE YOU FILLED UP MY CUP, I NEVER GAVE UP AND NOW I CAN SOAR ‘TO THE HEAVENS AND HIGHER JULIE, MAX, ENSEMBLE LORD PLEASE, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING RIGHT, EVERY NIGHTToorsie MEN REMOVING OUR TEARS WOMEN RELIEVING OUR FEARS JULIE AND WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS WE'LL STILL HAVE CAREERS STUART, SUZIE, MAX, ENSEMBLE SO WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? ILIKE WHAT SHE'S DOING ILIKE WHAT SHE'S DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING DOROTHY IGIVE YOU MY WORD I WON'T LET YOU DOWN= Toorsie Scene 10. Julie’s Apartment - MICHAEL and JULIE are mid-conversation, scripts in hand, sharing some wine, excited. JULIE Did you hear them laughing? DOROTHY Idid! JULIE They were laughing! DOROTHY They were! JULIE With us! DOROTHY It felt good! JULIE I'm excited. I get excited. Dorothy, where I grew up, people were afraid to dream big. But I knew I wanted more. I wanted this. When I act, things just make sense. When I'm onstage, I feel safest: DOROTHY Yes. I's the same with me. JULIE Don't you love reaching for perfection, never getting it. The commitment, the sacrifices, The uncertainty. Sure, it can be lonely. I mean, have you ever been able to make a relationship work? DOROTHY No, not really. JULIE So you've never been married? DOROTHY Actually, I was, once. To an overbearing Norwegian man. But I left him after eight years to make sense of myself and everything around me. JULIE ‘That sounds like A Doll's House! DOROTHY Maybe a little more wine.Toorsie - 53 JULIE 1am surprised a pretty, talented gal like you isn’t fighting guys off. DOROTHY Pretty? No, me? Talented, sure but, pretty? You think? JULIE More than pretty. Special DOROTHY Oh, Well, like you said, I guess life got in the way. Or I get in the way. Maybe I haven't met the right person. JULIE Maybe we stopped thinking we could? DOROTHY If you could, who would your perfect person be? JULIE I don’t know. It's all so complicated. Don’t you find being a woman right now complicated? DOROTHY Right now? Extremely. JULIE It wouldn't be about his age or his looks, it would be more that he'd be honest about who he was. And he'd understand my life. Appreciate it. Celebrate it! And, he'd be the most generous lover. Not afraid to share his uninhibited desires, so willing to please me, that I’d want to please him. That would be amazing. DOROTHY Amazing, DOROTHY just stares, then clears her throat. JULIE I'll get some more wine. A special comes up on Michael ee MICHAEL SOMEBODY IN THE MOONLIGHT SOMEONE I THINK I KNOW, STANDING THERE LIKE A SHADOW.- Toorsie (MICHAEL) WHO ARE YOU? I CAN'T ESCAPE THE FEELING I MET YOU LONG AGO IN SOME PLACE FILLED WITH SUNLIGHT. WHO ARE YOU? I'VE NEVER BEEN A NEEDY OR ROMANTIC GUY. FALLING LIKE A METEOR IN SOME POETIC STARRY SKY. WHO AM I? ‘THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY, SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? DOROTHY walks towards her. JULIE More wine? DOROTHY ‘Yes, please! What? JULIE It's nice, connecting with someone. SOMEBODY I CAN TALK TO, LIKE SOMEONE I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN. WHERE ON EARTH WERE YOU HIDING? WHO ARE YOU? I THINK IT’S JUST AMAZING HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN. SOMEONE I CAN CONFIDE IN, WHO ARE YOU? IT’S FELT SO LONG SINCE 1 WAS YOUNG AND RUNNING FREE, 1 LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE A BOX BUT SUDDENLY, THERE'S THE KEY. SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS OPEN,Toorsie - 55 (JULIE) SOMEBODY I COULD LOVE JUST LIKE AN OLDER SISTER WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? You know, on our nights off I sing at a club, You should come. We can have drinks after. Talk about anything and everything. DOROTHY ‘That sounds wonderful. MICHAEL JULIE ‘THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY. I THINK IT's JUST AMAZING. SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW. HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN. WHAT DO I THINK I’M DOING? LIKE THE SISTER I NEVER HAD. WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? DOROTHY You know what? I should go. We have an early rehearsal tomorrow. JULIE This has been... perfect. DOROTHY ‘Yes, it has. Perfect. So... more tomorrow. JULIE More tomorrow. HE leaves, ecstatic and excited as he makes his way through the city and back to the apartment, and enters, MICHAEL ‘THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY. SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? WHO ARE YOU?- Toorsie Scene 11. Michael And Jeff’s Apartment - Continuous MICHAEL nuns in, excited. He puts his things down and looks at himself and starts to sift through new boxes of clothing. MICHAEL Jeff, Jeff! Tonight was euphoric. We had a great show, Julie invited me back to her apartment. We laughed, drank, she talked all about her life JEFF And you listened? MICHAEL You know what? Women listen to each other, Jeff. JEFF Well what do you know. You, Michael Dorsey Dorothy Hermione Michaels, are a man and woman in love! MICHAEL Oh my God, Jeff, I think I am! There's a knock at the door. SANDY is on the other side. SANDY (0.S.) It’s Sandy. Open the door. MICHAEL She can’t see me like this! Zipper! Zipper! During the following, MICHAEL and JEFF do a frenetic physical comedy quick change ‘routine’ to strip the room of Dorothy. SANDY (0.S.) Ican hear you! MICHAEL Jeff, is someone at the door? MICHAEL drops his dress. JEFF looks at him, and grins. JEFF (Beat) ‘That's very slimming, MICHAEL Who's at the door, Jeff!Toorsie - 37 - JEFF I think it's Sandy! MICHAEL Sandy? Which Sandy? SANDY (0.S.) Really? You know other Sandy's? JEFF (To door) I was sleeping. I'm not dressed. Michael was in the bathroom. MICHAEL I'm in the bathroom. The... thing... is clogged. JEFF The ‘thing’ again? MICHAEL Yes Jeff, the ‘thing’ SANDY What is going on in there. MICHAEL Jeff, are you sure that’s the door and not the pipes? They sometimes make that whooshing sound, like... ‘Sandy... Sandy’... JEFF It's more like ‘Sandy... Sandy’ MICHAEL It always does that when the toilet’s clogged. JEFF We should call a plumber. MICHAEL Or you should eat more fiber. JEFF Thave an uncle who's a plumber? And his last name is Plumber. It's like being a Butler named Butler. MICHAEL ‘That's REALLY interesting. You should write that! But before you do, check the door just in case. JEFF If Butler was here, he would do it. Earrings, earrings!58 Toorsie SANDY knocks. (JEFF) Michael, | think there is someone at the door! THEY finally finish and open the door. Oh, look. It’s Sandy. MICHAEL Sandy. Hey, SANDY Michael? Where have you been? I've been devastated about not getting that part. And where are you? MICHAEL ve been busy. I'm sorry. SANDY My yoga teacher says I've literally created a new position called downward spiral JEFF Sandy, I realize you are an open bar of emotions, but why is not getting this role consuming you? SANDY Why, Jeff? Why? I live in an apartment so small I count the litter box as a guest bathroom. My dental plan is basically to chew on the other side, and the only jobs I get are working kid’s birthday parties. Two hours ago I was on the subway wearing, the bottom half of an Elmo costume. I got violated by a service animal. My phone no longer recognizes my face ILD. unless I'm crying! I just don’t have it in me for one more day, one more rejection, And the one friend who helps me believe that maybe I'm good at something I want so much, but may actually not be good at, doesn’t have one minute for me! MICHAEL Sandy, I'll make it up to you. Dinner. Monday. Just us. SANDY Yeah? That would be — Wait — Dann Een 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN DON'T TELL ME THAT IT’S NOT ‘YOU'LL CALL ME UP AT NINE AND SAY THERE'S SOMETHING YOU FORGOT YOUR BROTHER IS IN JAILToorsie - 39 (SANDY) YOUR MOM'S BEEN IN A WRECK ‘YOUR SISTER'S GOT A GOITER LIKE A FOOTBALL ON HER NECK. YOU'RE GONNA STAND ME UP AND I’LL BE STARING AT THE PHONE SITTING THERE ALL DISMAL AND PATHETIC AND ALONE AND FEELING JUST ABOUT AS WELCOME AND AS WANTED AS A KIDNEY STONE SHE leaves. You can still hear her voice going down the stairs and onto the street as she sings. 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WE KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WE ALL KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN IT NEVER DOESN'T HAPPEN IT ALWAYS HAS TO HAPPEN IT'S GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN MICHAEL slams the window shut. It stops her voice. JEFF Michael, you know I would jump in front of a really soft, gently tossed ball for you. But you just made a date with Sandy, as a man, after having a date with Julie, as a woman. So as your friend, I'm wondering, what's your end game for all this? MICHAEL What it always was. To work! To do great work! And now, the possibility of being with someone who sees the world like I do? That's a damn good happy ending. ‘Thanks to Dorothy. JEFF Exactly how? If this show’s a hit, you're going to be Dorothy for a long time. Michael Dorsey is gone. MICHAEL Michael is not gone. I am Dorothy. Dorothy is me. It's coming out of me. I'm experiencing these things, JEFF Listen to me. No you're not! MICHAEL You're wrong, What Dorothy's doing is important.- 60 - Toorsie JEFF Until what? You have go back to where you started? To Michael, who is lying to Sandy and is falling in love with a woman he can’t have? MICHAEL This is not just about Julie. I have something to say to other women like me who feel invisible. JEFF You don’t have anything to say to other women like you because you're a man! MICHAEL Yes, but I'm also an actress! Potentially a great one. You know what people are calling me? A small miracle. Their words, not mine. JEFF Fine, you want to live lie? It’s your lie to live. But you are in love with two women, Dorothy and Julie. And you can’t have both. MICHAEL Yes, I can! This show is making me a Broadway star. There are no limits! Dorothy can have it all, and play the great roles. That list I made, it didn’t begin to dream big enough. Tee MICHAEL DORSEY, THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME AND THE MASTER PLAN COULDN'T BEG BUY OR BORROW HIS DREAM, BUT NOW DOROTHY CAN ‘CAUSE SHE'S GOT ME FLYING LIKE A BIRD. SO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT, ONLY ONE WORD: UNSTOPPABLE. JEFF You're living a fantasy, my friend. MICHAEL ENSEMBLE STAND ASIDE ‘CAUSE THAT OH GIRLS ON A ROLL, ‘SHE'S UNSTOPPABLE ADMIRATION, RESPECT AND OH CONTROL, SHE'S UNSTOPPABLE HALF-COCKED, AND DOWN ON MY KNEES. OH DOORS LOCKED, BUT SUDDENLY SHE'S.Toorsie - 61 (MICHAEL) (ENSEMBLE) RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME TO HAND oH ME THE KEYS, UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE MICHAEL WE GOT THE ROLE! WE GOT THE GIG! WE GOT CONTROL! WE'RE GETTING BIG! WE TOOK THE CHANCE! WE TOOK THIS TOWN! ‘TOLD YOU BEFORE, SHOW ME THE DOOR, I'LL KICK IT DOWN MICHAEL ENSEMBLE OH! WHEN I PUT ON THE WIG AND THE DRESS: I’M UNFLAPPABLE BOW BOW BA BOW BA BOW BOW BA BOW BA BOW YOU CAN'T START TO CHART DOROTHY’S SUCCESS, IT’S UNMAPPABLE DON'T TRY TO SLOW HER DOWN LIKE THE THRUST OF A HUMMINGBIRD’S TONGUE LIKE A BEER KEG THAT'S BLOWN OUT IT’S BUNG LIKE A HIPPO PROTECTING HER YOUNG UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE YES! YES! ENSEMBLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE LOOK OUT WORLD, ‘CAUSE THIS GIRL'S ON A ROLL, SHE'S UNSTOPPABLE ADMIRATION, RESPECT AND CONTROL, SHE'S UNSTOPPABLE ANYWHERE, HOLLYWOOD OR BROADWAY ANY PART, ANY SCENE, ANY PLAY,62 - Toorsie (ENSEMBLE) NOTHING AND NO ONE, NOT ANYTHING ANYONE EVER CAN DO OR SAY CAN STOP HER UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE. MICHAEL/DOROTHY VL BE TAKING THE WORLD OVER SOON, UNSTOPPABLE NO USE TRYING TO BURST MY BALLOON UNPOPPABLE MICHAEL/DOROTHY ENSEMBLE NO MORE WAITING CAUSE AH ‘THIS IS MY TIME ‘THERE'S NO MOUNTAIN AH ‘THESE HEELS CAN'T CLIMB NOTHING ON EARTH CAN STOP ME CAUSE I'M UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE! MICHAEL approaches the theater, HE runs into Julie. JULIE Dorothy! Another sold out house tonight. And it’s because of you. DOROTHY It’s because of us. JULIE This has turned out better than I could have imagined. I love you, Dorothy. DOROTHY And I love you! SHE gently kisses his cheek. Suddenly, MICHAEL kisses her passionately. SHE stands there in shock! JULIE —Oh my God! DOROTHY —Oh my God!Toorsie - 63 - JULIE —Oh my God! DOROTHY —Oh my God! Julie! Wait! SHE steps back, looks, and runs off. Suddenly there is chaos. The bulbs in the name DOROTHY MICHAELS on the marquee start to explode, then spelt out the word DOOM. MICHAEL Shit! END OF ACT ONE- 64 - Toorsie ACT 2 Scene 1. Apartment - Night MICHAEL and JEFF are sitting, both with a serious glare. There's a long beat of silence. ‘Michael goes to say something. There's nothing to say. Then more silence, Then. JEFF So, let’s recap. NOT LONG AGO THERE WAS A MAN, AN ANGRY GUY, AWKWARDLY AGING COMMITTED BUT KIND OF SELF DESTRUCTIVE, WHINING HIS WAY THROUGH LIFE TIL AMBITION AND CIRCUMSTANCE CONSPIRED TO DELIVER AN OPPORTUNITY NO ONE EXCEPT A MEGLOMANIACAL ACTOR WITH NOTHING TO REALLY LOSE WOULD CONSIDER. SO THEN OF COURSE, THIS GUY PUTS- (OH YEA, THIS GUY IS YOU, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING) PUTS ON A DRESS AND WIG AND HEELS AND ACTUALLY GETS THE PART AND SURPRISINGLY EVERYTHING GOES VERY WELL, BUT THEN (AND HOW DO I SAY IT?) YOU FUCKED IT UP. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP. YOU GOT APPLAUSE, YOU GOT THE FAME, EXCEPT IT WASN'T EXACTLY FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL WHO THINKS YOU'RE SOMEBODY THAT YOU'RE NOT AND IN CASE YOU FORGOT, I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE YOU'RE THE GUY WHO FUCKED IT UP.Toorsie (JEFF) YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP. LISTEN, MIKE. 1 KNOW WHEN MISTER OPPORTUNITY, COMES TIP-TOEING AND TEASING ‘YOU'RE THE KIND OF MAN WHO GRABS HIM BY THE BALLS BUT THEN WHEN HE SCREAMS AND SAYS “LET GO OF MY BALLS” AND YOU JUST KEEP ON SQUEEZING, WELL THAT'S THE TIME- YOU GOTTA- ve lost my train of thought. Mmn. BUT ANYWAY, YOU GET THE POINT, ‘YOU SCREWED THE POOCH, EPIC FAIL, I HATE TO SAY I'M HAPPY TO SAY “I TOLD YOU SO” BUT IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY- I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU sO. ‘YOU FUCKED IT UP. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT JEFF YOU WENT TITS UP MISTAKES WERE MADE. YOU BIT THE DIRT INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE AMAJOR MALFUNCTION THE CAPTAIN OF THE HINDENBERG YOU MESSED IT UP THE WHEELS CAME OFF YOUR BUMPER CAR YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE YOU'RE DEAD IN THE WATER YOU FUCKED IT UP YOU - BALL CHANGE YOU FUCKED IT UP up! MICHAEL I WENT TITS UP MISTAKES WERE MADE 1 BIT THE DIRT GOOD SONG I REALLY BLEW IT. OH THE HUMANITY IDID ‘THE WHEELS CAME OFF MY BUMPER CAR COMPLETE DISASTER EVERYTHING LOOKS REALLY BAD 1 CASHED AND BURNED66 - Toorsie (MICHAEL) YOU'RE DEAD IN THE WATER YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE YOU - FAN KICK! BUFFALO! BUFFALO! GOTTA SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO! JAZZ SQUARE JAZZ HANDS ‘TRENCHES TRENCHES ‘TRENCHES TRENCHES “Hello? Hil Yes, great! Thank you.’ The cast is heading down to a club, and they invited Dorothy. (Thinking) Julie's been avoiding me since I kissed her, but, she also confides in Dorothy what she wants from a guy, right? So, if I can meet Julie as Michael, I can use those things to get her to fall for me, then fix things between her and Dorothy. JEFF GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GOD BLESS YOU MIKE, I REALLY REALLY WISH YOU THE BEST I TELL YOU WHAT, I'M COMING ALONG FOR MORAL SUPPORT, BECAUSE I’M A FRIEND, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M CURIOUS ‘TO SEE EXACTLY HOW YOU'LL FUCK IT UP. BA DADA DADA DA!Toorsie - 67 - Scene 2. Piano Bar ht JULIE 1 WOKE UP THIS MORNING OUTTA MY BRAIN. ‘THAT OLD FAMILIAR FEELING LIKE I’M GONNA GO INSANE. SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE BARKING LIKE A DOG, LIKE BLACK 1S WHITE LIKE DAY IS NIGHT LIKE I’M WALKING IN A TOTAL FOG JULIE & WOMEN AND I’M FEELING LIKE A FOOL SOMEONE'S CHANGING ALL THE RULES- BATS IN THE ATTIC, FIRE IN THE HOLE I CAN'T BREATHE, I CAN'T SLEEP, I CAN'T THINK, BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE BEES IN THE BONNET YM GONNA LOSE CONTROL BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE. JULIE 1 KEEP HEARING VOICES DON’T KNOW IF THEY'RE MINE BRAIN’S ON VACATION HEART IS WORKING OVERTIME BEATING LIKE A DEMON, AND I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP. MY MIND IS BRUISED, I'M SO CONFUSED WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. WOMEN AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU CAUSE YOU'RE CHANGING ALL THE RULES68 Toorsie JULIE BATS IN THE ATTIC FIRE IN THE HOLE, CAN'T TELL EXACTLY WHERE | AM CAUSE BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE. BEES IN THE BONNET. I'M GONNA LOSE CONTROL. BABY, I'M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE JULIE WOMEN BATS IN THE ATTIC on BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE OOH OOH OOH OOH GOT NO CONTROL, BABY, I'M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE I’M A RUNAWAY TRAIN AND I'M OFF THE TRACK, ‘TEN POUNDS OF CRAZY IN A FIVE POUND SACK. IF SIX WERE NINE, THAT'S HOW I FEEL. ‘THREE FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY-MEAL. JULIE & WOMEN I’M BENT, I'M BROKE, I’M DIZZY, I'M DOPED, IM FRIED, I'M FREAKED I'M JULIE BATS IN THE ATTIC FIRE IN THE HOLE, BABY LOST HER RATTLE. YEA, I'M GONE GONE GONE. OUT OF THE SADDLE OUT OF CONTROL, BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE GONE BEES IN THE BONNET BUGS IN THE DOME I'M NOT SURE I'M WOMEN SHE'S LOSING IT I TELL YOU ‘SHE'S CRACKIN’ UP WAH WAH WAH WAH GONE GONE GONE YIPPEEAY YIPPEEAY KAYAY SHE'S LOST HER SOUL, GONE GONE GONE ZU ZU ZU ZAY ZI ZU ZI. ZU ZU ZU ZU SURE I'MToorsie - 69 (JULIE) (WOMEN) COMING BACK CAUSE COMING BACK BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE. LIGHTS IN THE WINDOWS. YM BENT I'M BROKE I'M DIZ BUT NOBODY'S HOME YM DOPED, I’M FRIED, I'M FREAKED, I'M BATS BABY I'M JULIE & WOMEN GONE GONE GONE BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE BABY I'M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE. MICHAEL Isn’t she great, Jeff? I'm telling you, I feel good about this. JEFF Michael, is this wise. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. This isn’t wise. Just then, RON walks towards them and sees Michael. RON You! MICHAEL Ron?! RON ve heard so little about you since I fired you. Are you still acting, or are you over acting? MICHAEL Yd say that was a direct insult, but | know how challenged you are at directing anything. RON Y'm sure you're aware, since you live on earth, I've created what promises to be, dare I say, a gargantuan hit. There. I dared. MICHAEL Right. Everyone's talking about it, well, about Dorothy Michaels, RON Are they? Between us, she had no real talent. And she was out of control. But I wrangled her. Molded her. I created her. MICHAEL You think her success was because of you? I think you're lucky to have her.70 - Toorsie RON Do you? Have I ever told you how much I admire actors as smart as you? MICHAEL Actually, no. RON Did you ever wonder why that is? (Beat) There's something about you. RON glares at Jeff, then walks away. MICHAEL fumes. MICHAEL He's taking credit for Dorothy? Well I'll show him what it’s like to actually connect with a woman. You're a writer Jeff. Take notes. MICHAEL hands him a bar napkin and a pen, smiles with confidence, and walks towards Julie, who is holding a drink, Hi, Mike Dorsey. JULIE Hi. MICHAEL I know you, right? You're an actress. JULIE I'm an actress, but you don’t know me. MICHAEL Actually, I think I do. JULIE I don’t think you do. MICHAEL Come on. I'ma nice guy, and you look like the kind of woman who deserves a nice Buy: JULIE As opposed to women who don’t? MICHAEL No, see, that wasn’t what I... I didn’t mean... can we start over? JULIE Sure. You look like the kind of guy who needs to start over.Toorsie MICHAEL I just wanted to be honest about who I am and what I want... which would be to understand you, celebrate you, and if I'm lucky, be the most generous lover, not afraid to share my desires, so willing to please you, that you'd want to please me. That would be a— JULIE glares at him, grins, then throws a drink in his face. She gets up, and exits —mazing. JEFF laughs as they exit the bar. 7172 - Toorsie Scene 3. Apartment - Night MICHAEL and JEFF enter the apartment. JEFF Almost done. (Writing) The vodka still dripping down his face as he left. MICHAEL Okay, so I had a little setback, I've conquered more difficult challenges than this. JEFF Yes, crazier things are possible. Penguins can rotate their heads 360 degrees. But only once. Suddenly, there's a pounding at the door. SANDY [0.S.] Michael! Are you there? It’s Sandy. MICHAEL Sandy! Crap. I stood her up. JEFF You stood her up?! MICHAEL Do not open that door! JEFF (t's too good) You know I have to. JEFF opens the door. SANDY storms in and approaches Michael. SANDY Tell me the truth, Michael. Did you stand me up to be with another woman? MICHAEL -Yes. SANDY Dor't lie to me. MICHAELToorsie 73 - SANDY How could you! You know not getting that musical has consumed me. I needed you tonight, Michael. I really thought we were trying to be friends. MICHAEL We are. SANDY Friends don’t lie to each other. | cooked for you, Michael. And for what? I ended up alone in my apartment, trying to do the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat. Turns out, he isn't very strong. MICHAEL Sandy, something came up. It’s complicated. SANDY You asked me to dinner, Michael. I didn’t disappoint you. I deserve better! MICHAEL Sandy. I hear you! I let you down. I should know better. I'll be honest from now on. SANDY So was she prettier than me? MICHAEL Yes, SANDY Don't lie to me! MICHAEL No. SANDY Good. Oh, and to make my night even worse, I finally went online and saw who they cast in that show. Dorothy Michaels? So annoying. JEFF Annoying? Tell us why. SANDY She shows you exactly how hard she’s working. I mean really, who'd she sleep with to get that part? MICHAEL Sandy, I would think you, more than anyone, who battles for every opportunity, ‘would rise above petty jealousy and be supportive of another woman's success. SANDY Oh, Michael... no.74 - Toorsie SHE leaves, MICHAEL Damnit Jeff, Sandy’s right. I disappoint people. I disappointed Julie and she has no idea why. JEFF ‘Then go be honest with her. MICHAEL If she finds out who I am now, she'll feel betrayed. (Beat) But JEFF No! MICHAEL —Dorothy can go over and be honest. JEFE No!!! MICHAEL I won't go down like this! I love her, Jeff. 1 am a man in love! Toss me my bra. JEFF does. MICHAEL exits.Toorsie Scene 4. Lights Up On Julie’s Apartment - Night JULIE Ron, It's not going to happen. RON Why not? Do you know how many women I say no to every day, just in the hopes of someday being with you?! JULIE Then this works out for us and them. RON Say you'll give me a chance, or I'll jump out this window! JULIE ‘You won't jump out the window. RON See, you know me so well. Julie, I admit I'm rigid, as well as wealthy, but I'm also a generous guy. I gave my brother a kidney. He wasn't even sick! And yes, I've had numerous wives, some of them my own, but none like you. You make me feel alive! JULIE You hardly even know me. RON I know everything about you. Every minuscule detail. JULIE What's my favorite color? RON Blue. Red. Purple. Green — JULIE —It’s pink— RON (As SHE'S finishing saying pink) =Pink! It’s pink. And mine is tan. JULIE Ron, I don’t feel the same way. RON You're kind of giving me mixed signals. There's a knock, Julie opens the door.76 - Toorsie JULIE Hi. DOROTHY Hi— oh. Sorry. I could come back? JULIE ‘Come in. Ron was just leaving, RON sees Dorothy looking at Julie. RON Oh, I get it. This is your fault, somehow. You soured her on me. DOROTHY You did that just fine for yourself. RON Tell me something, missy, is it all men you don’t like, or is it just me? DOROTHY begins to talk, then JULIE, jumps in... DOROTHY Honest? I don’t like the way you condescend to actors or take credit for creativity. I don’t like your petulance, or your superiority, or your complete lack of internal debate. I don’t like how you care about nothing, but talk about everything, and I don’t like what I assume are your reasons for liking Julie. So no, Ron, it's not all men, it's you, RON (To Dorothy) Yeah, well, enjoy your moment, because you will never work in any show I ever do, in the pantheon of ever, then even after that, after that. DOROTHY I've heard that before. RON There's something about you. (Then) Julie— SHE closes the door on him. DOROTHY Julie, about what happened. I know you're upset, and I just want to explain, somehow...Toorsie 77 = JULIE —No. Let me talk. I’ve been so focused on my career, I ignored what I didn’t have until suddenly, there it was. Unexpected. Unavoidable. And it’s you. It’s how you make me feel, how you completely get me. Let's do this! DOROTHY Let's do what? JULIE This! DOROTHY This? JULIE Us! DOROTHY Us? This us? Us us? JULIE I know it’s not the package I imagined. DOROTHY ‘That depends on what it is you imagined. JULIE You can’t help who you fall in love with. And you are who I fell in love with. SHE leans in to kiss him, MICHAEL almost returns the kiss ~ DOROTHY =Hean't! JULIE —You can’t? DOROTHY =Iean't, JULIE —Why can’t you? DOROTHY —I'm nota lesbian. JULIE =Neither am I. DOROTHY —But you can be.73 - Toorsie JULIE —Then so can you. DOROTHY —No, I really really, really really can’t JULIE I know it's scary. We can take it slow. Start from the waist up. DOROTHY It’s not that, well it is that, but it’s not that. I don’t think I can give you what you want. JULIE I don’t understand. You kissed me! Mouth opened! With tongue! DOROTHY I know. I do that JULIE I trusted you. DOROTHY And I want you to. Ijust... I wish I could explain. JULIE Stop. Don't. You should leave. SHE goes and opens the door for her. DOROTHY stops, but realizes there's nothing to say, and leaves. rz JULIE YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT SO PERFECTLY YOU LOCKED YOURSELF INSIDE A BOX THEN SUDDENLY, ‘THERE'S THE KEY SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO LIKE SOMEONE I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?Toorsie - 79 - Scene 5. The Apartment - Later MICHAEL enters and starts to take ‘Dorothy’ off, clearly upset. He sits for a moment. Suddenly, he hears muffled singing. It stops, then starts again. He goes to open the window, The singing is full on. We see it’s MAX. MAX WHAT IS THIS THING I'M FEELING, BUBBLING UP INSIDE ME, LIFTING ME TOWARDS THE CEILING? DOROTHY! DOROTHY What?! MAX DOROTHY DOROTHY DOROTHY NEIGHBOR [0.5.] Hey. Shut up! People live here! MAX WHAT IS THIS SOUND I'M HEARING? IS IT A BELL TO GUIDE ME? OUT OF THIN AIR APPEARING— DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOR. NEIGHBOR [0.S.] Hey. Shut up! Shut the fuck up! DOROTHY Fine. Come up. 5N. SHE buzzes him in. We SLOWLY hear footsteps getting louder and louder. THEY stop. Then start again, closer and closer. Then we hear panting on the other side of the door. ‘Then a buzzer. MAX makes his way up to the apartment, panting. Then — MAX WHAT IS THIS THING? ‘THAT MAKES ME TOSS IN MY BED. “CAUSE I'M WRACKED WITH DISTRACTING DESIRES? THIS THING, GOD,- Toorsie (MAX) IT’S JAMMED IN MY HEAD LIKE A NAIL AND I CAN'T FIND THE PLIERS “GET IT OUT!" I EXCLAIM, ‘THEN I THINK OF YOUR NAME AND I FEEL LIKE A MOTH HEADING RIGHT FOR THE FEMALE MOTH. ‘THAT MOTH IS YOU! WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT IS THIS THING THAT I'M FEELING? IT’S ODD, YOU'RE SO OLD, I’M SO YOUNG AND MY ABS ARE LIKE SLABS OF FINE GRANITE, MY BOD IS LIKE GOLD AND I'M HUNG AND YOU'RE OLD, OH I SAID THAT, BUT DAMMIT! 1 DON’T CARE YOU'RE NOT THIN YOU'RE UNDER MY SKIN AND I KNOW SOMETHING SPECIAL'S ABOUT ‘TO BE STARTING REAL SOON I'M OVER THE MOON! WHAT IS THIS THING? WHAT IS THIS THING? HE starts his seduction, a chase, as MICHAEL fends him off. Michael gets him in a ‘wresting hold, MAX moans with pleasure. ‘THIS THING HAS ME WORRIED AND SCARED BUT IT’S FINALLY TIME TO REVEAL IT 11'S RIPE AND IT'S BIG AND IT WANTS TO BE SHARED AND I NEED YOU TO REACH DOWN AND FEELIT! YES, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER NO, I’M NOT BASHFUL TO PROVE IT. HE rips off his shirt. There is a bloody tattoo of Doroth DOROTHY Is that... me?! MAX ‘YES, IT'S A LITTLE INFECTED, NO, I WILL NEVER REMOVE ITToorsie 81 (MAX) ‘THIS THING WILL REMAIN LIKE A PERMANENT STAIN LIKE A VOICE THAT KEEPS TAUNTING A HAUNTING REERAIN, LIKE THAT WONDERFUL SPIKE ‘THAT YOU DROVE IN MY BRAIN ‘THIS THING! THIS THING CALLED... YOOOOOUUUUUU! Suddenly, JEFF opens the door and enters. After a long beat — JEFF You trollop. DOROTHY Max Van Horn, Jeff Slater. JEFF How could you? And with our cantonese baby on the way. MAX I'm her baby now. JEFF She's always had a weakness for a good chest. (Seeing tattoo) With her face on it MAX Iwill fight you until the blood of our rivalry stains these walls. JEFF She's alll yours. DOROTHY Maybe you should leave! MAX This is not over, Jeff! (To Dorothy, bowing) Adeaus... HE buttons up his shirt, in slight pain, and leaves. During the following, MICHAEL sheds himself of Dorothy, leaving on only his earrings.= Toorsie JEFF Is it because I've put on weight? MICHAEL Don't you start with me. You wouldn't believe the night I had. Jeff, Julie told me she wants us to be together, JEFF As women? MICHAEL ‘As women! JEFF Well now I'm invested. MICHAEL She tried to kiss me, She leaned in, our eyes connecting, her perfume mixing with ‘mine, And all I could do was stand there. I love her, Jeff. This could not get any worse! ‘There's a knock at the door. STAN [0.5S.] Michael? It’s Stan. JEFF Maybe it can. MICHAEL Stan? What the hell does he want? STAN knocks again. JEFF Michael, Stan is at the door. MICHAEL My agent Stan or Stan who— sometimes stops by? STAN [0.5.] It’s your agent, Stan. MICHAEL if needed for time] Let's find out JEEF opens the door as MICHAEL finishes becoming ‘Michael.’ Stan, hey.Toorsie aon STAN Michael, what the hell is going on? I've been trying to call you for days. (Then) Are you wearing earrings? MICHAEL Yes Tam, STAN Listen, Michael. You got the play. MICHAEL The play? What play? STAN ‘The play! ‘Anywhere But Nowhere.’ MICHAEL I thought they wanted a name? STAN They decided to go with talent. MICHAEL (Panicked) Jeff. 1 got the play. STAN This is all you hounded me about for months, You cornered me in my office. MICHAEL I thought you fired me in your office? STAN That was before you got the play. And now it's yours. JEFF And now it's yours. MICHAEL And now I can’t take it. STAN Why can’t you take it? MICHAEL Why can't I take it, Jeff? JEFF He can't take it because he’s doing my play.- 34 - Toorsie STAN Your play? What is your play? JEFF It’s a great play. MICHAEL Great play. It takes place in... JEFF MICHAEL One Day. —Cleveland. (MICHAEL) It's called ‘One Day In Cleveland STAN Jesus Christ, Michael. Are you passing on a Pulitzer prize winning playwright for a play by this guy? MICHAEL “This guy’ is my best friend. STAN Fine. If you want to make sure no one ever hears the name Michael Dorsey, you just did. This is the most insane thing you've ever done. MICHAEL It’s really not. STAN Goodbye Michael, STAN storms out. MICHAEL collapses into a chair. MICHAEL Julie thinks I'm a lesbian who rejected her. Sandy resents me and the woman she doesn’t know I am. I turned down one of the best written plays in contemporary theater, and there’s a guy walking around with an infected tattoo of my face on his chest. JEFF And if you could fix one of those, right now, which would it be? MICHAEL Julie, None of this is worth losing Julie. JEFF Then do exactly what you shouldn't do, go back there one more time and figure something out!Toorsie = INote: by the end of the following he is dressed as Dorothy. UC me (JEFF) WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING, BUT EVERYTHING ‘THAT'S HAPPENING HAS GOT YOU IN DISTRESS? WHADDYA DO, YOUR FUTURE CALLS SO GROW YOURSELF A PAIR OF BALLS AND TAKE THOSE BALLS AND PUT THEM IN THIS DRESS! SO YOUR LIFE IS A JOKE YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS BROKE? WELL, GRAB A ROLL OF DUCT-TAPE AND SOME GLUE! WHADDYA GONNA DO? YOU’RE GONNA FIX YOUR HAIR AND GO OUT THERE AND BE THE MAN AND WOMAN THAT YOU ARE. MICHAEL ‘THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO WIN. YOU GOTTA GO ALL IN BOTH WELL I'M/YOU'RE ALL— The front door opens again, and STAN enters. He walks back in to get the phone he ‘forgot. The GUYS stand fi n. STAN Sorry. [left my damn phone. (Seeing Dorothy) Oh. Hey. I'm a big fan. Nice to meet you HE grabs his phone and exits. MICHAEL and JEFF just stand there. They don't move. Frozen in place. They wait. Wait, Wait, Wait. Then, SLOWLY the door opens and STAN re-enters. MICHAEL Stan,- 86 - Toorsie STAN (Realizing) No. no no, no, no no. JEFF Stan Fields, Dorothy Michaels. STAN Oh, Jesus Christ, Michael. You look like my wife. MICHAEL You said I'd never work again. I was desperate. STAN This goes beyond desperate. Even for an actor. MICHAEL I took a chance, STAN ‘They say you're gonna be nominated for a Tony! I was gonna vote for you! MICHAEL Ym so humbled— STAN Fuck you! I can’t see this. If I see this, I'm complicit. If I'm asked about this, I can’t lie! MICHAEL Can't lie? You're an agent. It's a job requirement! STAN So this is how you're going to live out your career? As someone else? MICHAEL No. Maybe. I don’t know. You're not being very supportive STAN Michael, the world is changing and we have to change with it. Be a he, be a she, be a they, use whatever bathroom you want and don’t let anybody tell you, you can’t. But what you've done here is some uncharted form of theatrical suicide. When people find out about this, and believe me, they WILL find out, you'll be the most hated ‘man and woman on Broadway! MICHAEL ‘Then what do you suggest I do? We open tomorrow night! STAN That's not my problem. And you know why it's not my problem? Because you’ reToorsie (STAN) fired, Again! (To eff) And you! Send me your play! JEFF There's no play. STAN —And fuck you too! STAN exits, MICHAEL collapses into a chair, - 37 -—asen Toorsie Scene 6. Outside Around Town Ree ee MAX IT’S SIX FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING AND MY CLOCK’S GOING BEEP BEEP BEEP SHOE'S ON, I'M DRESSED, NO REST “CAUSE I NEVER REALLY GOT TO SLEEP SUZIE ALL NIGHT, JAW TIGHT, EYES WIDE, WAITING FOR THE DAY TO COME STUART MY HEART BEAT: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOMING LIKE A BIG BASS DRUM MAX, STUART, SUZIE CAN'T BELIEVE THE SHOW'S GONNA OPEN TONIGHT! MAX THIS IS THE MAX, STUART, SUZIE ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE MAX, STUART, SUZIE, STAGE MANAGER, + PLC, LDF ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE RITA ‘THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, ‘THERE'S NO TURNING BACK JAG, HM, AW BETTER CHEW A FEW ASPRIN IN CASE I GET A HEART ATTACKToorsie - 89 WOMAN ‘YES BANGS, NO BANGS, YES BANGS 1 DON’T KNOW, STYLIST OH JESUS! MAN1 CAN'T WAIT MAN 2 CAN'T WAIT MAN 3 CAN'T WAIT STAGE MANAGER HERE’S OUR FUTURE ON A SILVER PLATE RON JUST DON’T PANIC, DON’T GET MANIC. RELAXATION IS KEY! THIS IS THE RON, JAG, AW, LDF, DV ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE RON ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT SHOW ‘THIS'LL BE MY OKLAHO-MY GOD ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE STUART CAN'T BREATHE, I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT MY LUNGS SHOULD DO. SUZIE BEEN DREAMING THIS ALL OF MY LIFE AND. TONIGHT IT ALL COMES TRUE. LDF, SAM, PLC RED CARPET, CROWD WILL GREET US. DV, HM, AW BIG PARTY WITH MARGARITAS.90 Toorsie PLC MY DREAM SINCE I WAS A FETUS, LONG OVERDUE. ENSEMBLE EV'RY SINGLE LIVING HUMAN BEING’S GOT TO AGREE- JM THIS IS THE RITA, MAX, ENSEMBLE ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT HOPE EV’RYTHING GOES ALL RIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT Stage door/backstage set comes on. ALL backstage doing physical and vocal warmups ENSEMBLE RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER SOLO ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT DUET THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT DUET & SOME ENSEMBLE ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT +MORE ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MAX, ENSEMBLE 1 ENSEMBLE 2 ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT ‘THE MOST MY GOD, OH My GOD OH MY GoD, IMPORTANT NIGHT WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHTToorsie 91 (MAX, ENSEMBLE 1) ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT ALL STAGE MANAGER OF MY LIFE! ENSEMBLE 2 MY GOD, OH MY GOD OH MY GoD WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT ENSEMBLE 2 MY GOD, OH MY GOD OH MY GoD. WE'RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD OH MYGOD. ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY. Half hour, everyone. RIT. RITA RON, MAX, ENSEMBLE OH MY GOD IT ALL BEGINS TONIGHT!- 92 - Toorsie Scene 7. Michael’s Dressing Room - Opening The dressing room is filled with flowers. MICHAEL, in a bathrobe, is talking to Rita. RITA It’s an exciting night. DOROTHY Yes it is. RITA This show will be a success, and it's mostly due to you. DOROTHY Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown. RITA Dorothy, I'm rich. Not in family or friends. In money, the good rich. I got that way by betting on myself. You may not believe this, but growing up, I was a wallflower. In school I was voted ‘who is that?’ Then I realized my potential, and now I grab success when I see it. So... RITA hands her some papers with a bow on them. Opening night gift. I'm extending your contract another year. DOROTHY Another year? RITA Add that to the one we've got you for, and Dorothy Michaels will be playing The Nurse for a long time. DOROTHY Ye hat is a long, long time. MICHAEL looks at the contracts. It hits him. RITA What? Oh. I get it. What do you want? More money? DOROTHY No, it’s not that. RITA “I's not that?’ Well played. You've done this before, I see. Fine. Double your salary, minus half. DOROTHY It's just, two years is a long time.Toorsie - 93 - RITA Dorothy, I've gotten botox, so people tend to misunderstand what I’m saying. Let me be clear. Creative approval and keep your costumes, Final offer! DOROTHY You drive a hard bargain. RITA Jesus, you don’t flinch! Six weeks vacation and paid maternity leave, which, let’s be honest, I'm not worried about that. Take it or leave it! DOROTHY Idon’t know what Max is being paid, but assure Julie the same, and you have a Deal. RITA Deal. DOROTHY Rita, For however long I'm here, I love this show and you are the best at what you do. RITA Thank you. Sometimes I wish my first husband could look down from heaven and see me now. But no, the bastard is still alive. SHE leaves. MICHAEL looks even more distressed. There's a knock on the door. It's MAX. DOROTHY Max. Now is not the— MAX — Dorothy, I think I know what you're going to say. (Beat) Nope. Not a clue. So let me say what I think I'm going to say. Growing up, I never felt like I fit in, other than with the popular kids. And I had my share of humiliations. Like the time someone told me my grammar was horrible, and I said, “my gramma is 97 and I love her.” I always felt different. Then I met you. You helped me discover something I never knew I had. Talent, You believed in me. You showed me what it feels like to be a member of a company, and tonight, this member gets thrust into your opening. And I couldn’t want anything, or anyone, more. HE kisses her hand. DOROTHY Max... you don’t need my help. Trust yourself- 94 = Toorsie MAX That's what gramma used to say. HE smiles and exits. ANNOUNCER Fifteen minutes. The call is fifteen minutes. ‘MAX exits, MICHAEL paces, when suddenly, JULIE enters. JULIE Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd be on stage warming up. I wanted to leave you this note, for opening. DOROTHY Julie, wait. JULIE Dorothy, you've never been anything but honest with me, so I wouldn't be honest if I didn’t tell you how much you mean to me. I really do love you. DOROTHY And Ilove you JULIE On that stage, I'll be there for you, but it's best if we don’t see each other any more. (Beat) Opening nights usually make me so happy. I wish this one did. SHE exits. DOROTHY sits at her dressing table, Talk To Me Dorothy MICHAEL SO HERE I AM DESPERATE AND DIZZY HANGING BY ONE HAND. FROM THE THINNEST BRANCH ‘TOTALLY MIXED UP TOTALLY FED UP RIDING THE EDGE OF THE AVALANCHE 1 KNOW HOW I GOT HEREToorsie (MICHAEL) 1 KNOW I'VE BEEN STUPID 1 KNOW IT’S MY FAULT BUT 1 COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP WHAT DID I WANT? WHAT WAS MY HURRY? DRAWN TO THE SPOTLIGHT BUT IT’S NOT THE SUN WALKING ON ICE, LOADED WITH WORRY IS THAT WHAT YOU FINALLY GET ONCE YOUR RACE IS RUN? SO TALK TO ME DOROTHY, ‘YOU'RE SMARTER THAN [AM ‘TELL ME, WHY WAS I SO HUNGRY BEFORE? YOUR WATERS RUN DEEPER DEEPER THAN MINE YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO MUCH AND NOW I NEED MORE LET ME SEE THROUGH THOSE EYES OF YOURS ALL OF THESE PEOPLE, ALL OF THESE PEOPLE YOU'VE HELPED ME TO LOVE LET ME HEAR THROUGH YOUR EARS AND MAYBE THIS NOISE CAN TURN INTO SOME KIND OF MUSIC— ‘THERE'S YOU AND THERE’S ME WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED A ND HANDS THAT ARE STEADY AND WARM TO THE TOUCH SO TALK TO ME, DOROTHY YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SING CAN YOU HELP ME, DOROTHY MICHAEL MEN TALK TO ME, PLEASE AHH96 Toorsie During the following Verona starts to appear... WOMEN MEN I WON'T LET YOU DOWN WE LOVE YOU (GOODBYE) (GOODBYE) WE LOVE YOU (GOODBYE) WE LOVE YOU (GOODBYE) YOU WON'T LET US DOWN WE LOVE YOU ARRIVEDERCI ARRIVEDERCI (GoopBYE) WOMEN & MEN WE BID YOU FAREWELL SO LONG, GooD— The shadowy figures now are lit and we see they are the ENSEMBLE from Juliet’s Nurse, as they gather to say goodbye to the Nurse and Craig. The music morphs into a Tarantella.Toorsie - 97 = Scene 8. Onstage ENSEMBLE — BYE, FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE. SO LONG-A MY FRIEND, WE LOVE YOU- ENSEMBLE 1 Hey, done-a forget your purse! ENSEMBLE WE FEEL SO BAD YOU'RE GOING AND I BETCHA WE'LL FEEL WORSE WHEN-A YOU'RE GONE. SO LONG AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE! JULIET now steps forward towards the Nurse. JULIET “Dear Nurse, as we end our story, we learn our truths from those that are wiser, as I have learned from you..’ NURSE “That we need only to be truthful, to be happy.’ JULIET “And so we say to you... farewell!’ Music begins again.. ENSEMBLE NURSE FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI HON. WE'RE REALLY GONNA ‘A MISS YOU, But... but, IT’S BEEN A LOT OF FUN. But... but, The music stops. NURSE Before I go, there is another truth you must know. A story. JULIET Astory? What story?- 98 - Toorsie NURSE The story of how I got to Verona. The story of... a young girl. A girl so pure, the angels themselves named her. Angel. Angel (Looking out) Mezzanini. JULIE ‘Come, you can tell me your story as we go. NURSE No, no, no! You see, Angel was so desperate, she left the vicious world she knew, and Vespa'd, many, many, many miles toward - Verona, with her dream of being... a nurse! But, but, the journey was a dangerous one, for you see, Angel had... a wooden leg. And a real foot. She hobbled through the winter streets of Europe; Croatia, Hungary, very hungry until... something... happened. She, she, she, she — CRAIG She got sick! NURSE, —Yes. Well done, Craig! For as Angel lay, one organ shutting down at a time, allalone, near a small river in Crimea— CRAIG Crimea river? NURSE —She limped for the last time. But her death was not in vain. For you see... she had... (Seeing Craig) a brother! CRAIG Brother? She had a brother? NURSE Oh yes she did! Who loved her so deeply, he traveled to Verona himself to fulfill her destiny for her. And who is this brother, you're wondering? Well I'l tell you. I'm not who you think I am underneath this dress. The truth is, I'm not Juliet’s Nurse... | am, Tam... JULIE What are you doing?Toorsie - 99 = DOROTHY (Beat) What am I doing? I haven't been truthful, and I’m sorry. You see, I'm not even. Dorothy Michaels. MICHAEL pulls off his eye lashes and wig, and starts wiping off his make-up. DOROTHY/MICHAEL The truth is... I’m Michael Dorsey. EVERYONE gasps. MICHAEL I know, I know. I'm Michael Dorsey, an actor that no one would hire. A desperate actor, who just wanted to work. We pin spot on RITA. RITA Son of a bitch! We pin spot on RON RON There is something about her. We pin spot on MAX, who is rubbing his tattoo. MAX Mistake, mistake. MICHAEL Julie. JULIE slowly walks towards him. She stands in front of him, THEY look at each other. There isa silence. She just turns, and walks offstage. MAX walks up to him and leans in. MAX Does Jeff know? We hear or see a montage of TV news stories. NEWSCASTER 1 Breaking news, a new Broadway musical becomes a scandalous story of he-said-she- said — NEWSCASTER 2 —On tonight's evening news, a Broadway opening opened a heated debate on- 100 - Toorsie NEWSCASTER 3 —Did a Broadway actor just widen the gender gap? NEWSCASTER 4 —Was it fraud, or a clever ploy for equal play? NEWSCASTER 5 Tonight on Fox News; A Broadway leading lady turns out to be a real dick.Toorsie - 101 Scene 9. Michael And Jeff’s Apartment - Day JEFF is in the apartment watching this and laughing. In the distance we hear a ‘woman's scream. It gets closer, stops, then closer. SANDY enters, finishing her primal scream, She makes her way through the apartment, abusing one of ‘Dorothy's’ wigs on a wig stand, throwing ‘Dorothy's’ clothes out the window, tossing a pair of her shoes, and finally playing tug of war with a dress she tries to rip. SANDY I'm gonna rip this. I’m gonna rip it. I'm gonna rip it till it’s ripped! It wins. SHE collapses in exhaustion onto a chair. JEFF So, you heard? SANDY This is a new low, even for me. JEFF Is it, though? SANDY What is my life, Jeff? I'm thirty seve— two, unemployed, broke, and alone. It's just so hard to be chasing so many dreams, and not catch one. JEFF Sandy, stop using Michael's narcissism as an excuse for your lack of success. SANDY Glass houses, Jeff! Or to use a quote from your latest play, oh right, there isn’t one. What I say may annoy you, but at least I have something to say. JEFF That you're stuck on a guy who has rendered you emotionally paralyzed? SANDY At least I'm not stuck in the same sentence. JEFF ‘Trust me, if I was writing this, I'd put us both out of our misery. SANDY ‘Then write it! Write something. Unless you've run out of creativity. JEFF You're judging me on creativity? You named your cat Whiskers! That's like naming, your kid ‘Eyebrows’.102 - Toorsie SANDY Well you know what, Jeff? My cat wrote a play! JEFF Sandy, you are a frustrating and chaotic woman, and it’s beyond distressing how incredibly aroused I am right now. SANDY Oh my God, are you hitting on me?! JEFF Y'm suddenly and irrationally inspired and stimulated by your defiant, neurotic self destruction, SANDY Well your slovenly, passive, overgrown apathy is really hot to me right now as well. No wait, this is a bad idea Cz eae 1 KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE, WE'RE GONNA FALL IN LOVE OR MAYBE I'M ALREADY IN IT THEN SUDDENLY WE'RE DATING AND THEN WE'RE MOVING IN AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WELL BE= HE grabs her and kis her. SHE pulls away. Then. I will ride you. Then I will own you SHE then pulls him into the bedroom, awkwarily ripping each other's clothes offToorsie - 103 — Scene 10. Michael And Jeff’s Apartment - The Next Mort MICHAEL enters, holding his heels and dragging his ripped dress behind him. JEFF enters from the bedroom and sees him. JEFF ‘The prodigal daughter returns. MICHAEL I spent the whole night walking the streets. What was I thinking, Jeff? JEFF Michael, every once in a while, desperation can lead to something productive. Riverdance was invented by a guy with seven kids and one bathroom. Your desperation led you here. MICHAEL I lied, hurt people I care about, lost the one person I truly love, and for what? My ‘own ambition? It was reckless and self-serving, JEFF If only someone could have warned you. MICHAEL ‘Turns out, there are things more important than acting. JEFF Maybe Dorothy taught you well. MICHAEL Dorothy knew something Michael didn’t. You can’t live a lie. I always just grabbed what I wanted and assume I deserved it. But it was different for Dorothy. She'd voice her opinion, then be called ‘hysterical’, She had to be assertive, but not bitchy, compassionate, but not ‘emotional’, feminine, but never misleading, while somehow handling insecure jerks like Ron who assume her success had to somehow be a reflection of him, and arrogant schmucks like me who couldn't handle any of those things. Dorothy knew something else I didn’t; being a woman is no job for a man. (Beat) You think Dorothy’s the only woman left who doesn’t hate me? The bedroom door opens and SANDY enters, wrapped in a sheet. She walks to get her purse then stops and turns to Michael. Sandy... I didn’t just take a part away from a woman, I took it away from a friend. You have every right to never speak to me again. SANDY looks at him for a moment, then.- 104 = Toorsie SANDY Michael, I know life doesn’t play out like it does in fairy tales. 1 know, in real life, if you lose your shoe at midnight, you're probably drunk. I know sometimes, you don't get the prince. And sometimes, you realize he’s not a prince at all. He's just a guy you made into one. And sometimes, you find out, you didn’t need saving. He did. And when you finally realize that the best bet you can place is on yourself. (SHE kisses Jef) you can give someone else a happy ending SANDY kisses Jeff, then walks into the bedroom, smiling. MICHAEL Really, huh? JEFF Thope so. MICHAEL So... what happens now? JEFF I don’t know, but maybe this will help. JEFF prowdly holds up a script. MICHAEL You started it? JEFF Actually, you started it. HE hands it to Michael, who opens to the first page. MICHAEL I don’t deserve this JEFF You haven't read it yet. Trust me. You deserve it. MICHAEL Jeff... do you think Julie will ever talk to me again? JEFF Let me ask you something? Do you think she should?Toorsie - 105 - MICHAEL MICHAEL DORSEY THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME AND THE MASTER LIST COULDN'T SEE THERE WERE ONE OR TWO ITEMS HE MIGHT HAVE MISSED LIKE OPEN YOUR EYES AND GET A CLUE THAT MAYBE THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND ONLY YOU -IT’S POSSIBLE IT'S POSSIBLE- NOW THAT I'VE SEEN THROUGH THOSE EYES OF YOURS ALL OF THE PEOPLE, ALL OF THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HELPED ME TO LOVE. I KEEP HEARING YOUR VOICE IT’S STILL IN MY HEAD- SOME KIND OF BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.- 106 - Toorsie Scene 11, PARK - EVENING MICHAEL enters the park. JULIE is sitting. He approaches her. She sees him, then gets up to leave. MICHAEL, Julie. Please don't go. SHE stays seated for a moment, I've been wanting to call you for weeks, to apologize, just to ask... JULIE —To ask what? MICHAEL How you are? JULIE How am I? The show’s doing well, no one says hi, enjoy your evening. Or don’t SHE goes to leave... MICHAEL I just did it for the work. I didn’t set out to hurt anybody. Especially you. JULIE Didn't end up that way. MICHAEL What I did was— JULIE —What you did hurt me, and everyone in that theater who trusted you, who put their faith and livelihoods in your hands. And, I told you things I would never have told... you! MICHAEL I messed up. It was disrespectful and wrong. I know that now. JULIE No you don’t. You think because you walked a mile in a woman's shoes, you suddenly know? Walk a hundred. Walk a thousand. Fall a thousand more. There is so much you don’t know. About so much. MICHAEL But I want to. Can we talk? JULIE ‘What do you want me to say?Toorsie 107 MICHAEL Whatever you want. I'll listen, (Beat) Even if it’s not today. HE starts to walk away, SHE stops him. JULIE Michael HE stops, slowly turning to look at her. You were willing to risk everything for that one thing. I know what that takes, MICHAEL 1am so sorry. JULIE I miss Dorothy. MICHAEL ‘You don’t have to. She's right here. TE Caen cee hy Reprise) ‘THERE'S YOU AND THERE'S ME WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED ‘THESE HANDS SO FAMILIAR, AND WARM TO THE TOUCH I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT. HOWEVER YOU WANT IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. ‘THANK YOU SO MUCH. Julie, Iwas a better man with you, as a woman, than I ever was with a woman, as a man. I just have to learn how to do it all without the dress. SHE waits a beat, then sits down. After a moment, HE sits next to her. There is a pause, THEY look at each other, there's a slight smile, then they both stare out. THE END- 108 — Toorsie RON FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! ALL FOSSE, FOSSE! BRAIN FREEZE! THE FLOOR IS LAVA! HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT! DANGER, DANGER! CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB! RESTLESS LEG! HAPPY BUNNY, FUNNY BUNNY, SCARY BUNNY, SPORTY BUNNY, GINGER BUNNY OH! SHE'S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER! NAMASTE, NA-MA-GO! RED LEATHER, YELLOW L RED LEATHER, YELLOW L RED LEATHER, YELLOW L RED LEATHER, YELLOW L DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY DOROTHY! ‘ATHER! ‘THER! ‘THER! ‘ATHER! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER, LAP DANCE, TINY FINGERS, TURN IT OUT AND POSE GOODNIGHT!FOR RETURN SHIPPING ADDRESS, PLEASE VISIT OUR WEBSITE: www.mtishows.comMUSIC THEATRE INTERNATIONAL