THE REVOLUTIONARY SECRET TO

SPECIALS TURNING WORRY INTO JOY

Discover the Just 5 minutes a day works

power of like an emotional detox
openhearted to dramatically lower
mindfulness stress & tiredness
to transform
your life

Spiritual
cures for
Sadness
Fear
Anger Display until 2/15/21 $12.99

Guilt
“How you get
there is where
you’ll arrive”
—Philip Booth
Adobe Stock
 Kindfulness Introducing the revolutionary new path
to peace: Mindfulness with an open heart.
Warning: more love and more joy ahead!

WHAT IS RELEASING THE EMOTIONS

KINDFULNESS? THAT HOLD BACK HAPPINESS
2 Letters from the editors
4 Introduction to mindfulness Sadness 26 Fear 62
10 Opening your heart
16 Kindfulness how-to 28 What sadness are you 64 What fear are you feeling?
20 Common questions feeling? 66 Finding peace in conflict
24 Emotion index 30 Rediscovering true joy 67 Conquering financial worries
94 1-minute meditations 31 Overcoming disappointment 68 Story cure: Abundance of love
96 A moment for you 32 Story cure: Kindness road trip 70 Fortified by gratitude
34 A loving balm for grief 72 Story cure: Double miracle
36 Story cure: Healing hearts 74 Strength in times of suffering
38 The Rx for loneliness 75 Outsmarting perfectionism
39 Seeing goodness in the world 76 Story cure: The hope ripple
40 Story cure: Signs of hope effect
42 Igniting the spark of hope 78 Courage despite uncertainty
79 The power of vulnerability
Cover and back cover: Getty. This page: Adobe Stock; Getty

Anger 44 80
82
Story cure: Living fearlessly
Turning distraction into
46 What anger are you feeling? loving presence
48 Letting go of irritation
49
50
Getting past a betrayal
Story cure: A reason to cheer
Judgment 84
52 Calming your inner critic 87 What judgment are you
54 Story cure: Self forgiveness feeling?
56 A respite from rage 88 Quitting the comparathon
57 Escaping the binds of hatred 89 Shining a light on shame
58 Story cure: Heart support 90 Story cure: Free of shame
60 The key to true freedom 92 Embracing equanimity

Kindfulness O 1
 editors’ letters

Louise
Ferretti,
Ph.D.
Dr. Ferretti has been
practicing as a
neuropsychologist
and exploring
mindfulness for
20 years
For audio versions
of many of the
meditations found
in the following
pages, head over to
PresentHeart.com
magazine was a golden opportunity for me, an exciting intersection of many
things that I love—psychology, science and contemplative practice. On behalf of the whole
team, I warmly invite you to explore kindfulness and discover the amazing capacities of your
own mind and heart!
My journey to
y parents were scientists in the field of
chemistry who emigrated from Italy to the
United States in the 1950s. My sister and
I were raised in the Catholic faith, and I was quite
devout despite my father’s skepticism. In school,
I was a dedicated science nerd, but my curiosity
about the human side eventually led me to stud-
ies in clinical psychology and research in devel-
opmental neuroscience. Over the past 20 years,
I’ve practiced as a neuropsychologist serving
children with brain-based challenges.
It was in graduate school that I had my first
taste of mindfulness. Those years of being tested
as a scholar brought a great deal of personal stress.
A 10-minute guided meditation offered in a person-
ality class brought me to a place of profound rest and
ease that I couldn’t have imagined. It sparked in me a desire
to learn more about contemplative practices. Over the next sev-
eral decades, I immersed myself, pursuing at least one weeklong retreat
experience through the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) every year.
As time went on, the challenges of parenting and caring for aging par-
ents led me to focus more intensively on meditation practices for develop-
ing the heart, what we call the “heart-opening” practices. Much of what I
was learning had the familiar feel of Christian prayer to me. Concurrent with
the heart-opening work, I discovered a longing to reconcile what I was
understanding at an experiential level with the core teaching of the
Christian faith. I found myself questioning how one lives out the
Great Commandment—to love God and love one another—in
actual practice. This inspired collaboration with a pastor at a
local Presbyterian church, who graciously supported me in
guiding a contemplative prayer circle for interfaith dialogue
on love and how we develop our capacity to love.
My desire to share the many benefits of mindfulness and
heart-opening practices with others led me to a formal training
program led by teachers Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach to become
certified as a teacher of mindfulness meditation. Contributing to this
Louise Ferretti
Louise Ferretti, Ph.D.
Chief Editor

2 O Kindfulness
 openhearted peace
A s a young child, I experienced a great deal of trauma—
I spent my early years living alone with a mother who
was severely mentally ill, and I suffered from protracted
neglect. By the time I turned 20, I had faced so many chal-
lenges that my heart was very closed off. I found myself in
a state of hating the whole world—and myself along with it!
It was at this moment in my life that I met Louise
Ferretti. We were both students at Johns Hopkins
University when we met at a sorority rush party and,
inexplicably, we instantly clicked. We were opposites:
Louise, very open-hearted, expansive and welcoming;
I, very closed in and defensive. Louise was the well-
rounded “ivory girl”; I, the angry punk with a shaved head.
Something about the quality of presence that she brought
to the friendship planted a seed of hope in my heart. And
over the past 35 years, that seed has grown so beautifully
that it’s completely changed the course of my life.
So when Carey and I were brainstorming how to bring
you the most powerful inspiration and information about
A s far back as I can
remember—even as
a shy 4-year-old singing
“Jesus Loves Me” in Sunday
school—I have struggled
with a deep sense of unwor-
thiness. Despite having a nur-
turing family, I came to believe,
Carey like many women, that I had to be
Ostergard perfect to be accepted and loved. So that’s
what I tried to be—the perfect student,
the perfect daughter, the perfect friend,
the perfect employee. In my pursuit, I tamped down what
I deemed were “unacceptable” emotions, like anger, fear,
sadness. At the time, I didn’t realize that avoiding these
difficult emotions also dulled my capacity for compassion,
connection and joy. And slowly but surely, my heart closed.
Then, six years ago, Carol asked me to help her create a
Christian devotional magazine called Simple Grace, which
discovering your own path to peace, I knew who to call.
I knew that with some gentle encouragement, Louise
would bring to the page the same quality of presence
that powerfully transformed my life. I knew I wanted to do
everything I could to bring to you what had so helped me.
I encourage you take your time as you work through
the information presented here: It’s a lifetime of wisdom
and a boatload of science and can be a
lot to take in. Be gentle with your-
self as you begin to put into prac-
tice the meditations. The best
things in life all take time—and
quieting your mind and open-
ing your heart are indeed some
of the very best things.
Carol Brooks Carol
Brooks
Carol Brooks, Editorial Director
focused on opening your heart through contemplative
prayer. That’s when I was introduced to mindfulness and
other heart-opening practices, which helped me acknowl-
edge and release the negative emotions that had held
my heart in a vice grip for so long. At times it was painful,
but with practice and faith, I felt my heart begin to slowly
awaken…and in rushed a deep sense of divine love. It filled
me with an effervescent joy, resounding calm and a sense
of wholeness. It also revealed the truth that changed my
life: We are surrounded and held by this love, and we don’t
have to be perfect or “worthy” to access it—or to share it.
So when I was given the opportunity to join Carol and
Louise in creating Kindfulness, I was thrilled and humbled
to help share the techniques and blessings that brought
me so much peace and opened my heart to divine love.
Carey Ostergard
Carey Ostergard, Chief Editor
Kindfulness O 3
An introduction to
Mindfulness
 Welcome to the wonderful
world of being present!
Here we take a look at
the whys and hows
By Louise Ferretti, Ph.D.

D
o you remember a time
when you found yourself so
entranced by some simple
natural happening—the purposeful
procession of a team of ants, the rustle
of leaves before a storm, the beautiful
to and fro of the surf—that all other
thoughts and worries just fell away?
If you’re like a lot of us, you might have
to go quite far back in your memory to a
time when you were much younger and
life seemed much simpler.
For all the “fancy talk” that currently
surrounds mindfulness, that’s all it is.
Losing yourself in the moment. Simply
paying attention to what’s right here,
right now, without telling a story about
it and without paying attention to the
other stories running in the background
of your awareness. When we are mindful,
we intentionally tune in to our senses,
our body, our mind, our heart and our
surroundings, and meet the moment
with a quality of kind acceptance.
We all have the capacity for
mindfulness; but rather than being
present, we often become lost in
regretting, judging, worrying and even
rejecting what is happening in a given
moment. There are good reasons for
this, but it keeps us from drawing on
larger resources of love and wisdom that
are available to us. It keeps us from living
from the fullness of who we truly are.
To relearn how to lose ourselves
in the moments of our lives, we’ll
start by taking a look at the history
of mindfulness and the benefits of
practicing it. Then we’ll move on to a
simple meditation that can help clear
away some of the mental debris that
Getty (2)

stands in the way of daily peace and joy.

Kindfulness O 5
 mindfulness
Origins of mindfulness Kabat-Zinn invited physicians mindfulness intervention to be as
Many religions have contempla- at the University of Massachusetts effective at preventing depression
tive practices similar to mindful- to send him their most difficult relapse as prescription medication.
ness, but mindfulness—as it has patients—ones with cancer, chronic Mindfulness-based interventions
been taught in the West—is rooted pain, depression, insomnia and have been effective for a variety of
in the ancient traditions of other diseases. The success of his physical conditions as well, with
Buddhism originating mindfulness class—where research on cancer patients showing
in Asian countries. It patients learned how to noted reduction in levels of stress
was brought to the relate to their experi- and fatigue and improvements in
United States in Daily mindfulness ences differently— sleep, mood and quality of life.
the early 1970s by practice has been was evident in patient Other research supports the use
young pioneers reports of greater of mindfulness to enhance coping
who, disenchanted shown to reverse happiness and a sense with cardiovascular disease, diabe-
with the politics cellular aging of contentment even tes, HIV/AIDS, rheumatoid arthri-
and dominant reli- without a change in tis and irritable bowel syndrome.
gions of the West, had physical symptoms. Benefits of mindfulness have also
gone to study Buddhism His program was the been shown in those without a med-
and practice meditation with beginning of mindfulness-based ical or mental health diagnosis. A
master teachers in Asia. On return- stress reduction (MBSR), which review of studies of such individuals
ing to the U.S., many of them has undergone extensive scientific found that mindfulness reduced
became influential teachers in a review and is recognized as the gold stress and a tendency to worry while
practice called Vipassana, which standard for modern mindfulness increasing empathy. In more bio-
translates into “clear-seeing.” Its programs. It has since been adapted logically detailed findings, research-
focus is to simply gain insight into by other practitioners and research- ers have tracked the primary stress
“seeing things as they really are” in ers around the world to be acces- hormone from the adrenal glands,
order to lessen personal suffering. sible to diverse populations—such cortisol, and found that mindfulness
While on a silent retreat with as adults with addictive behavior practice reduces cortisol levels by
these teachers, a young molecular and veterans with post-traumatic 51%. So it’s not surprising that in a
biologist named Jon Kabat-Zinn stress disorder (PTSD)—because multi-center clinical trial, mindful-
had the vision of taking elements of of its incredible power to heal. ness increased subjects’ sleep time
what he was learning and making by 44 minutes per night and
them accessible to a wider audience, Whole-body healing completely resolved insomnia for
beyond those who identified as Over the past several decades, there half of all participants.
Buddhist or were open to Buddhist has been a growing body of evi- There are also recent studies
practices. Kabat-Zinn established dence supporting a myriad of physi- looking at mindfulness as it relates
a set of mindfulness teachings that cal, mental and spiritual health to genomics, or the interaction
was purely secular, outside of a benefits that come with mind- between our genetic makeup and
religious context—or applicable to fulness training. A University of the environment. Epigenetics is
any religion—in hopes of relieving Oxford study of patients with a his- the study of how genes get turned
suffering for many. tory of recurrent depression found on or off by factors other than the
 Research out of Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center
reveals that mindfulness lowers activity in brain
regions that detect pain intensity. The result?
Study participants who practiced mindfulness
reported pain reductions of up to 93%!

genes themselves, such as behav-

ioral or environmental triggers.
Genes related to the inflammatory
process are believed to play a major
role in disease progression. In one
study of older adults, there was
a clear relationship between the
level of loneliness reported and the
genetic expression of specific pro-
inflammatory genes. Researchers
found that those who participated
in mindfulness training for just
eight weeks showed less expression
of the pro-inflammatory genes.
The mindfulness practice in effect
reversed the damage that the loneli-
ness was causing. This finding has
implications for a wide variety of
chronic diseases that tend to plague
us as we grow older.
Cellular aging is another area
where mindfulness can literally turn
back the clock. Telomeres are protec-
tive caps on the ends of chromo-
somes, but a stressful environment
and constant worry can weaken
these caps, causing the chromosomes
to shorten and unravel as the cells
divide. The result: Cells age faster
and become less healthy over time.
But one study discovered that partic-
ipants in a three-month mindfulness
Adobe Stock; Getty (3)
4 ways mindfulness boosts health
Lowers blood pressure
Not only does mindfulness
significantly reduce stress-related
blood pressure spikes, but
according to researchers at Johns
Hopkins University, it also lowers
inflammation that can contribute
to long-term blood pressure
elevations. Their study found that
those who practiced mindfulness
daily experienced blood pressure
drops of up to 11 points in just
two months’ time.
Boosts brainpower
Practicing mindfulness improves
memory and mental focus by
training the brain to release
distractions that use up its
resources. So say authors of a
study published in Scientific
Reports, who determined that
engaging in mindful breathing
for 10 minutes a day, four times
a week, improved a key marker
of brain efficiency (how much
activity the brain generates to
Powers up immunity
Experts in the field of
psychoneuroimmunology, which
examines the connection
between the immune system and
the brain, have discovered that
mindfulness amps up alpha brain
waves to increase the body’s
immune cell production. In fact,
findings from a Spanish study
reveal that people who engage
in mindfulness regularly produce
68% more natural killer cells—
immune cells that attack
infectious invaders—than their
less-mindful counterparts.
Eases pain
Mindfulness can prove more
effective than morphine for
easing lower back pain, notes
physician James Dillard, M.D.
Indeed, an eight-week study
published in JAMA found that
adults with chronic back pain
who practiced mindfulness for
2 hours a week reduced their

retreat produced more of the enzyme
telomerase, which strengthens these
chromosome-preserving caps. In
other words, mindfulness reverses
cellular aging and boosts longevity.
complete a task) by 88% within pain by 44%—almost twice the
eight weeks. This also helps the improvement seen in people who
used drug treatments.
brain stay young.

Kindfulness O 7
mindfulness
A special subset of research “More than formal practice,
focuses on neuroplasticity, the way what matters is learning to pause
the brain changes based on our through the day and remember to
experiences. Studies of the brains be present, remember to be kind,”
of mindfulness meditators have offers psychologist and mindful-
shown thickening in the cerebral ness teacher Tara Brach, Ph.D.,
cortex in areas related to sensory, author of Radical Compassion.
cognitive and emotional processing She shares her favorite technique
when compared to non-meditators. to help achieve instant presence:
Other research has shown “Pause; take three full breaths,
changes in the white matter in relaxing and letting go with each
a part of the brain (anterior out breath; and then simply notice
cingulate) responsible for what’s happening inside and
self-regulation after four around you—that’s all it takes!”
weeks of daily mindful-
ness practice. This evi- Finding your anchor
dence supports the notion that a The practice of mindfulness usu-
“rewiring” of the brain happens ally begins with a centering exer-
when we practice coming back to cise to quiet ourselves. We choose
the present moment over and over an “anchor” that serves as the focus
again. In a virtuous spiral, when we of our attention. Just as an anchor
practice mindfulness, we are forg- does for a boat, the anchor helps
ing neural pathways that support keep us from straying too far with
the quality of mindful presence that our attention. The anchor may
we seek. In other words, the more be sensations we feel in the body
we practice, the easier it gets! as we are breathing, sensations at
touch points in our body such as
Personalized practice hands resting on legs. If you have
In its essence, mindfulness is a experienced trauma and looking
reorienting of our atten- inward is difficult, you can
tion, so we can prac- shift your focus outward
tice it at any time and use sound in the
and in any place. We learn to outer environment
All we need is a welcome to anchor you.
sincere intention whatever comes, The key is to
to open to our to hold it with focus on this anchor
direct present while staying aware
moment experi- care and of what is happen-
ence, and to do so compassion ing. Our mind will
in a kind, nonjudging naturally wander away,
way. Some people choose because this is its nature.
to develop their capacity for mind- When we notice our mind is no
fulness through formal practice, longer aware of the anchor, we gen-
sitting in meditation at a desig- tly direct it back. We do this over
nated time each day. Regular prac- and over again with an attitude of
tice does strengthen the capacity, kindness and care. Essentially, we
but mindfulness is fully customiz- are training ourselves to stay pres-
able. Each of us can find a way of ent and aware of our experience.
practicing that works in our life. It
can happen in brief moments such Opening awareness
as while brushing teeth, washing Focusing on our anchor helps us
dishes, walking to the mailbox or to become calm and stabilizes the
waiting in line at the store. mind. Once centered in this way,
 we can begin to open our awareness
to include the wider range of experi-
ences—physical sensations, emo-
tional states and thought patterns.
As we keep tuning in, we get better
at sustaining attention and staying
present and aware. A discovery pro-
cess begins to unfold in which we
see the patterns of our inner experi-
ence like “waves” that arise and pass
away from moment to moment.
Holding all of this with a loving
quality of attention is a core part
of mindfulness—not to push away
any experience but to hold what
arises with love and acceptance,
even if it is difficult. As we practice,
we begin to sense the mystery of
how these waves of experience arise
and pass from moment to moment,
and how these momentary experi-
ences are held within a larger field
of receptive, loving awareness. They
are merely waves within a larger
“ocean,” an ocean that is spacious
and accepting and outside of time.
Practicing mindfulness also
enables us to connect with a deep
sense of wisdom. We learn to wel-
come whatever experience comes,
to hold it with care and compas-
sion. We are not so easily knocked
down by the waves. We become
less reactive and begin to have more
choice in how to respond. Sharon
Salzberg, leading mindfulness
teacher and author of Real Change
explains, “Our goal in mindfulness
practice is to bring more presence,
balance and connection to all we
experience.” You may have doubts
about whether you can do this, but
Salzberg sees it this way, “You can-
not fail at it because you can’t have
the wrong experience.”
Opening to our experience allows
us to develop the courage to appre-
ciate life just the way it is. Offers
Brach, “Ultimately, it’s the greatest
gift we can give to ourselves and all
those we love.” Read on to explore
Getty (3)
how being fully present can lead to
beautiful rewards.
Meditation Coming into presence
This core practice can be used as a
first step for any of the meditations in this magazine to help you
relax and open into awareness. Here we use the breath as an anchor,
but you can also use touch or sounds, whatever works best for you.
1
Settle into a comfortable position with an upright, relaxed
posture. Eyes may be closed, or open with a soft downward
gaze. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Gently scan your body for
areas of tension, paying attention to the areas around your eyes, jaw,
shoulders, belly. Softening. Relaxing. Now, begin to notice the sounds
around you. Be aware of their beginnings and endings, and of the
space between sounds. Open to include distant sounds. Sense how
everything you perceive—sensations, sounds—arises and passes away.
2
Bring attention to your breathing, focusing on the place where
you feel it most vividly. It may be felt at the upper lip and
nostrils as a coolness or tingling as air comes in, a warmth or
flow as air moves out. It may be felt in the back of the throat as a
swirling or tingling. It may be felt in the chest or the belly as a rising
and falling. Focus your attention where the breath is most noticeable.
Try to keep your attention on the breath, noticing all the changing
sensations. If you discover that your awareness has moved away
from the breath, notice that this has happened without judging it.
Notice where the attention went to, and gently bring it back to that
place in the body where the breath is most vivid. Each moment of
returning to the breath is a moment of returning to presence. You
may come back to the breath a hundred times. Each time you notice
that your mind has wandered is a moment of mindful awareness.
3
From here, begin to widen your attention to include other
waves of experience that arise—sounds in the environment,
sensations in the body, feelings and thoughts. Notice if any
particular experience is drawing your attention. If so, allow the breath
to recede to the background and bring an interested, kind presence
to this experience. It can be helpful to name what is noticed, just with
a whisper. For example, sensations in the body may be felt as heat,
pressure, tightness, coolness, tingling. Feelings might arise such as
frustration, fear, tenderness or delight. Thoughts may come in the
form of images or words. With a soft, open awareness, sense the
experience as it is. As you fully attend to this wave, notice how it
changes, becoming more intense or dissipates. If judgment toward
the process arises, let it pass away like a cloud in the sky.
4
When what you’re observing is no longer a strong experience,
return to the mindfulness of breathing. Allow these waves of
experience to arise and pass away, as you are held within a
larger loving awareness, centered, present and open.
Kindfulness O 9
Opening your
 A closed heart keeps us from
experiencing all the joy and
wonder available to us. We’ll
explore finding freedom here
By Louise Ferretti, Ph.D.

H ave you ever had the experience of

wanting to offer care to someone else
and finding your heart closed so tightly
that you were simply unable? Perhaps that
person wronged you or perhaps the hurt that
closed your heart came from another source.
Whatever the cause, when you went to draw
on your heart to offer care to another, you
found it curled up in a ball, hard as a rock. It
felt like a well that had gone dry. That’s the
state described by the phrase “hard-hearted.”
And while we often use that phrase to make

heart
an unfavorable assessment of another, it’s also
true that the state of being hard-hearted hurts.
We know why our heart hardens over time—
we have all been hurt in life, and it’s natural
that we seek to protect ourselves. But this
closed-hearted pathway to protection actually
itself guarantees hurt. Does it make sense to
experience a low level of hurting all the time to
guard against an occasional larger hurt? That is
a question worth exploring—and mindfulness
can help in that discovery process.
The main way that hurt causes our heart
to curl up is through story—the narrative we
create to explain our hurt. The most common
story that holds us back is the story of our own
unworthiness, our own unlovableness, our
deep sense of our own “not enoughness.”
Mindfulness gently allows us to see the
story for what it is: a fiction. A fiction that we
created to explain events and can be put aside
once it outlives its usefulness. For example,
upon seeing disappointment on your mother’s
face when you were a young child who had
made a mess, you may have come up with a
story: “My mother is mad at me for making
a mess;” and further, “I am bad for making a
mess;” and further, “There is something deeply
wrong with me.” Over time you forget the first
two stories. It’s only the last one that remains—
Getty

and forever colors your view of yourself.

Kindfulness O 11
 open-hearted

Stories about ourselves Enter mindfulness. Let’s reimag- your childhood that you relied on
Mindfulness helps us surface our ine that coffee shop scenario: You to stay out of trouble with your
stories so we can reassess them. enter the coffee shop and focus exclu- mother. But that’s all it is: an old
In everyday life, we’re constantly sively on your immediate experience. story. Useful for a time and now not
thinking, thinking, thinking. Lost You deeply inhale the smell of brew- needed. If you don’t have time to
in thought about the past (regrets) ing joe, you notice how lovely the investigate the story’s origins, you
and the future (worries), we mistake granite counter looks as you run your can simply decide to deliberately
our stories for rock-solid truth. Our fingers along it, you overhear a gig- dismiss it as an old fiction...and
stories become assumptions that are gling 5-year-old girl as she snuggles enjoy the rest of your day.
buried in a deep layer of conscious- into her mother’s side. You’re deeply
ness below the level of awareness. rooted in the here and now, com- Stories about others
We’re no longer aware that they are pletely present. When the cashier Just as we tell stories about ourselves,
playing in the background like the overlooks you, you barely notice. we also tell stories about others. Our
elevator music to our lives. When Since your story isn’t gaining trac- brains are wired to use story as a
we lose awareness of these stories, tion in this situation, it has to amp way to explain cause and effect in all
they start to imperceptibly impact up the volume and make its way situations, so we have stories about
our lives in significant ways. into awareness to be heard. It’s as those we love and stories about “the
Returning to the example above, though the background music gets way the world works” and stories
we can see how having the “there’s increased in volume. As your story about groups of others (just to name
something deeply wrong with me” reasserts itself, the explanation that a few). And, significantly, our brain
story playing in the background of normally runs in the background has a negativity bias: We pay more
awareness could adversely color our emerges clearly in the foreground of attention to dangers than we do to
experience. Imagine yourself enter- your mind: There’s something deeply anything else because our brain pri-
ing a shop to get a cup of coffee. The wrong with me. This thought feels oritizes information that will keep
cashier helps a person who came in foreign to your lived experience in us safe. So most of the stories that
after you before helping you. She the moment, which is full of sensory stay with us are stories about danger.
seems to scowl at you. Imagine that pleasures. Because it feels so for- We can really only think in story
below the level of awareness, your eign, you’re able to see it as “other.” form—it’s how we make the link
story plays: There’s something deeply Because you’re able to see it as other, between cause and effect. And
wrong with me. And your mind you’re able to question it. there’s nothing inherently wrong
accepts this as the explanation for So you ask, “Where did this with these stories...as long as we
what occurred. You feel depressed thought come from?” If you have correctly identify them as necessary
Getty (2)

and defeated for hours and you time, you can reflect and remem- fictions and drop them when they
don’t know why. ber that this is an old story from have outlived their usefulness.

12 O Kindfulness
 “Your task is not to seek
for love, but merely to seek
and find all the barriers
within yourself that
you have built against
it and embrace them”
—Rumi, 14th century mystic

Given our brain’s propensity to
focus on stories related to danger,
imagine what the background
music of our lives would sound like
if we didn’t drop old stories. For
most of us, it would be something
like, “I’m a bad person...others are
out to get me...men who look like X
are always dangerous...no one will
help me when I’m in trouble...I’ll
always fail at anything I try...” and
on and on and on. Imagine having
100 or more of such stories explain-
ing everyday experience in the
background of your awareness, and
you can see how your heart would
naturally harden.
How clearing old stories
frees our heart
The way out of the damaging effect
of these stories running in the
background is mindfulness. The
more often we’re able to stay present
to the current moment, the more
often we’ll see these interloping old
stories for the happiness disruptors
they have become. And we welcome
them as friends because we surely
don’t want to create a scary story
about scary stories!
As we practice mindfulness and
stay tuned into the present moment,
these stories will be forced to surface
into consciousness, where we can
warmly welcome them.
Let’s take an example of a story
about others. Imagine that you had
a negative experience with a person
with light blue eyes when you were
a young child. In order to protect
yourself, your mind created a story,
“people with light blue eyes are
bad.” The next time you encounter
someone with light blue eyes you’re
being mindful so the story rises
into awareness. You might welcome
the story: “Thank you for keeping
me safe as a child.” And then, “but
I don’t need you anymore.” And
then…you simply let that story go.
You can see how this approach
frees your heart without creating a
new blaming story about yourself.
The next time you see someone
with light blue eyes, the story will
speak with a fainter voice. You’ll be
able to dismiss it with ease, leaving
you open toward this blue-eyed
one. Importantly, there won’t be a
self-shaming story in its place (like
“I can’t believe I used to be so hate-
ful as to avoid people with light
blue eyes”). Your heart will be free
and open, and your experience will
be one of spaciousness and love in
place of constriction and fear. It
really is that simple.
Using this magazine
How do we know when a hidden
story has taken the wheel? An unex-
plained emotion is often the telltale
sign. When you’re going about your
day and suddenly feel an emotion
that feels outsized to what’s happen-
ing, there’s likely a story below the
level of awareness at work. When
this happens, it can be helpful to
take a few minutes to investigate.
To help the hidden story impact-
ing your mood to surface so you
can thank it and send it on its way,
we’ve broken the magazine into four
main feeling states: Sadness, Anger,
Fear and Judgment and various sub-
states. We have an “Emotion Index”
on page 24 that can be a handy ref-
erence when you’re quite clear what
you’re feeling and a flow chart for
each of the main feeling states when
your emotion is less easy to name.
As you learn to recognize and
name outsized emotions, you will
be well on your way to uncovering
the hidden stories impacting your
life. When you can supplement this
with a few minutes of meditation,
you will find yourself unmasking
these sneaky mood disruptors with
ease. The story will rise, be thanked
and be dismissed, leaving your heart
free and open and ready to love.

Kindfulness O 13
 open-hearted

Developing our heart But our heart is a muscle that we concentrate on that feeling. We
In the dimensions that we can see needs maintenance: Not only do our become aware of the physical sensa-
with our eyes, your heart is a four- arteries need to stay clear to allow tions, the emotions and stories that
chambered masterpiece that keeps proper flow of blood, but our arise, all of which are then
love flowing throughout your body heart itself has to stay supported by a mindful
so every cell can be nourished by strong so it can pump awareness.
oxygen. New discoveries in phys- that blood with Bringing together Practicing lov-
ics suggest that there may be other sufficient force. ing kindness is a
dimensions that exist even though Following this the mind, body two-step process:
we aren’t yet able to clearly appre- analogy a little and heart at an We intentionally
hend—much less measure—them. further, the ques- experiential level open to the love
What occurs in these dimensions tion arises, “How and goodness
may be registered by us even though do we keep our enhances our around us, and
it doesn’t rise to the level of aware- heart in its role heart’s capacity then we offer our
ness—just as some subtle smells and as love circulator for love care or blessing.
patterns are registered even when we strong and fit?” We To open to goodness
can’t remember encountering them. do cardio exercise, like around us, we first think
Consider the possibility that our walking, to keep our heart in of someone who has been kind
hearts circulate love through this shape to pump blood, but what kind to us, a dear friend perhaps, and
unseen space just as they circulate of “exercise” do we need to do keep a reflect on their kindness. It helps to
blood through our bodies. Just as heart strong in circulating love? visualize receiving their kindness
our hearts pump blood to nourish and to immerse ourselves in how that
our cells, they’re also recirculating Loving kindness feels in the body. Research in neuro-
love to nourish the world. This is just The ancient practice of “loving kind- science suggests that simply imagin-
a story, yes, but a useful one. And ness,” which was largely established ing a loving exchange can trigger
one that every religious tradition has in the U.S. by meditation teacher patterns of brain and body activity
embraced in one way or another. You Sharon Salzberg, offers a power- very similar to those that occur dur-
might experiment with taking this ful tool for opening our heart and ing the actual expression of love to
story “to heart” to observe what fruit strengthening its ability to circulate another person in real time.
it bears in your life. love. It helps us learn to incline our For the second step of offering
Assuming our hearts are love mind and heart toward kindness, care, we simply extend our loving
circulators, it’s clear that they need and to intentionally lean into love. blessing. For example, you might
to remain free from old stories that Compared to mindfulness, the reflect on the goodness of that dear
could color how we see ourselves, loving kindness practice has a more friend and express a silent mes-
others and the world. These stories, active quality, though the two work sage of care to them. The classical
which we create to keep ourselves hand in hand. Mindfulness is a practice is one of silently repeating
safe, can end up leading us into neg- nonjudgmental receiving of what- several phrases like, May you feel
ative mindsets and thus prevent us ever experience arises in our pres- safe; May you feel content; May you
from opening our hearts as conduits ent moment. In loving kindness, feel held in love. Offering care can be
of a larger love. In the prior section, we intentionally direct our atten- enhanced by imagining that person
we explored ways to become aware tion to a person or situation that receiving your blessing and sensing
of and then release these stories. warms and opens our hearts, and their loving and joyful response.

14 O Kindfulness
 In loving kindness practice,
it’s essential that we also include
ourselves both in our reflection
on goodness and as a recipient of
our blessings. You may first direct
your attention to what you appre-
ciate about yourself. If this is dif-
ficult, you might try to see yourself
through the eyes of someone who
cares about you, to hear their words
of care and direct those inwardly.
You can then extend love inwardly
by speaking kindly to yourself or
by placing a hand on your heart
in a gesture that communicates
love. Caring for our own hearts by
offering ourselves love is important
because it strengthens our hearts’
capacity to receive love. It opens us
to love. And we need to re-learn how
to receive love if we want to truly be
able to freely give it away.
Creating a ripple effect Making the connection
In the classical practice of loving
kindness, we start with sending love
to ourselves and our closest loved
ones and expand our circle of car-
ing outward. We include those in
our wider community, those we
don’t know well, even the people we
find difficult, ultimately sending
our blessing in every direction to
include all humans, animals, plants
and all living things on Earth.
This outward expansion is a key
aspect of heart-development and
enables us to develop and deepen
care toward ourselves, toward oth-
ers and toward all living beings.
As we practice loving kindness in
this way, the blockages in our heart
are revealed in the judgments that
show up. Mindfulness enables us to
identify those biases—and those in
our life whom we habitually ignore,
exclude, or reject from our heart.
It helps us to learn where our heart
holds old wounds and to let go of
the stories that no longer serve us.
Getty (4)
With this understanding, our heart
becomes wiser and stronger.
Practices related to loving kind-
ness that build on this foundation
include compassion, appreciative joy
and forgiveness. In the practice of
compassion, we may bring to mind a
person who is experiencing difficulty,
mindful of the painful emotions
they have, letting ourself be touched
by their pain and mentally whisper-
ing a message of care to them. In the
practice of appreciative joy, we bring
to mind those experiencing joyful
celebration and reflect on and savor
this goodness within our own hearts.
There are many more opportunities
for happiness when we allow our-
selves to share in the joy of others!
Forgiveness may be the deepest and
most challenging dimension of heart-
opening, requiring us to contact
our vulnerability and acknowledge
harms to restore the flow of love.
A central part of all of these heart-
strengthening exercises is learning
to pay close attention to the direct
experience of love, to that felt sense in
the body. For example, when doing
a loving kindness meditation, you
may feel a warmth and radiance at
the heart, or a sense of expansiveness.
When directing love to a person who
is in pain, you might feel a tenderness
or ache at the heart. When reflecting
on the joy of another, you may feel a
pleasant tingling or swelling. We use
our mind to imagine something that
helps our heart access love, and we
become familiar with the felt sense of
loving in the body.
This bringing together of mind,
body and heart at an experiential
level is what enhances our heart’s
capacity to circulate love. This inte-
gration allows us to live and to love
from the fullness of our being and
helps us to grow in our connection to
the greater love all around us. More
and more, we live from an awakened
heart that sees the goodness of life
and serves as a conduit for love.
Kindfulness
 When our mind is calm and
our heart is open, we can
discover a place of joy and
peace like no other. Here’s how
By Louise Ferretti, Ph.D.

W
hether or not you practice the
Christian faith, there is wisdom
to be found in the words of
Jesus of Nazareth. In making sense of what
happens when you practice mindfulness
with an open heart, many of his words are
illuminating and provocative. Let’s take a
look and see what questions are raised.
During a conversation with a group
of Jewish holy men, Jesus tells them,
“The coming of the kingdom of God is
not something that can be observed, nor
will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’
because the kingdom of God is in your
midst” (Luke 17: 20–21). What could Jesus
be referring to? Where exactly does this
kingdom “in our midst” reside?
Another well-known piece of guidance
Jesus of Nazareth offers a gathered crowd:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and
you will find; knock and the door will be
opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). He tells the
Jewish holy men, “I am the gate; whoever
enters through me will be kept safe. They
will come in and go out, and find pasture”
(John 10:9). What does this mean? Where
exactly are we meant to go in and out of?
In a prayer to God the father, Jesus
pleads, “I have given them the glory that
you gave me, that they may be one as we
are one—I in them and you in me” (John
17:22–24). Here we see a description of a
larger God encompassing a smaller God,
who in turn encompasses us. How?
Jesus of Nazareth suggests that we are
encompassed by an unseen “place” that
we can go into and out of if we simply seek,
knock and ask. Could this “place” reside in
our consciousness? That makes sense since
our consciousness fully encompasses us
Getty (2)

and is in our midst, but neither “over here”

nor “over there.” Let’s investigate further.

Kindfulness O 17
 kindfulness
“Let this mind be in you,
which was also in
Christ Jesus”
—Paul to the Philippians, 2:5, KJV
Kingdom in our midst that almost infinitely small sliver
One thing that major spiritual to imagine the whole! Now imag-
traditions have in common is an ine another layer of consciousness
assumption of a larger love that that helps narrow things down just
manifests in our awareness outside of enough that we can directly access
thought. Why? If you were to study that vastness without being com-
the lives of the mystics—explorers pletely overwhelmed by it. Like those
of consciousness—across religious nesting Russian dolls, the huge con-
traditions, you’d find that they all sciousness encompasses the medi-
discover this same “place” of ating consciousness, which
love and joy and peace encompasses the smaller
as they travel outside part of consciousness
of thought. Just that we call our own.
as Christopher We become able There’s nothing
Columbus dis- to draw in and in the scientific
covered America deliver out more study of conscious-
and others were ness that precludes
able to follow in
and more love—and the possibility that
his wake and redis- feel more joy as a larger conscious-
cover it, so this place a result ness encompasses our
of love, joy and peace own: Despite intensive
outside of thought has study, scientists don’t have
been discovered and rediscov- any real understanding of the
ered across cultures. We can’t see it, nature of consciousness at all. This
no, but we can find it if we try. makes sense because it’s tough to
Let’s see if we can come up with study what is foundational to the
a story that brings together some very mind trying to study it! It’s hard
of Jesus of Nazareth’s observations to do a comprehensive investigation
to guide our own explorations. We of the plank you’re standing on.
don’t have to be overly concerned at So if we can’t study this some-
the outset with whether this story is thing or someplace or someone that
“true”—rather we can simply use it resides in our consciousness but
as a framework for further investiga- is outside of thought, how do we
tion. If it’s useful and bears fruit in explore it? Instead of finding ways
our lives and the lives of others, then of knowing about it, we need to find
we can commit to it more fully. ways to relate to it. The hope is that
What if instead of thinking of through relationship we’ll gain more
ourselves as humans who “have con- knowledge and wisdom, rather than
sciousness,” we think of ourselves as waiting to have more knowledge and
a small sliver of a larger conscious- wisdom before relating to it.
ness that is having a human experi- What we discover in our prac-
ence. How difficult would it be for tice of open-hearted mindfulness
18 O Kindfulness
is that there is something that’s
already and always there in our con-
sciousness outside of our thoughts.
Whatever this is feels very spacious
and evokes in us a strong feeling of
love and peace and joy. When we
access this something or someone or
someplace, we feel held in a peace-
ful, loving embrace. How should
we respond to this embrace? How
should we relate to the something or
someone or someplace embracing us?
Eating & drinking love
Most religious traditions encourage
some form of petitionary prayer,
in which you formulate words that
request what you are seeking and
send these words up to God. This is
certainly one form of “asking,” and
Jesus of Nazareth both advised it
and role-modeled it.
But is this kind of petitionary
prayer the whole story? It’s curious
how often Jesus of Nazareth empha-
sizes that one should consume him.
Here’s one example: “For my flesh
is real food and my blood is real
drink. Whoever eats my flesh and
drinks my blood remains in me, and
I in them” (John 6:55–56). This is
decidedly odd. We encounter the
same notion of being encompassed
and encompassing but now it’s
linked with imbibing. What exactly
are we supposed to consume?
Centuries later, the Christian
church created the sacraments to
symbolize the body and the blood
of Jesus, but those didn’t exist when
the words were spoken. So what was
Jesus referring to in that moment?
 It must have been something that
cannot be held and handled in the
dimensions we can see and touch.
Jesus talked about “living water”
that would nourish us in an unceas-
ing way. He refers again and again
to unlimited abundance. What is
this emphasis on consuming and
abundance really about?
Returning to our own experi-
ence, as we quiet our minds and
open our hearts, we feel into a field
of love. Is this love what we’re sup-
posed to feed off of? Can we draw
off of this love just as we would
draw water from a well? Can
we consider the place outside of
thought to be a kind of kingdom
and the love outside of our own
hearts to be an unlimited resource
that we can help distribute by
imbibing in and sending out?
Knock, knock…
We have the means to see for our-
selves what this undiscovered coun-
try outside of thought is really about.
We can become explorers. By freeing
our minds and hearts from old sto-
ries, we can draw on this larger love
in a tangible way—not just through
words, but through a mysterious yet
“real” consuming and receiving fol-
lowed by a releasing and giving.
We could “knock” by sending
love to this presence that we find
in our awareness and outside of
thought. We could build a rela-
tionship with this someone in this
someplace. We can then evaluate
what we receive in return. We are
free to experiment.
Consider trying this the next time
you have quieted your thoughts and
opened your heart: Send out (or
simply reflect back) love to the larger
love you sense to be present. Evaluate
what happens. If you’re like the
Adobe Stock; Getty (3)
many explorers who have tried this
same experiment, you’ll find that the
love you send is multiplied many fold
and returned to you.
So let’s say you started out
sending a tablespoon of love…you’ll
receive back a quart. This will feel
tangible as though you are trading
in a physical currency of love—and
you’re guaranteed to score a wind-
fall every time you ask. Your cup
will always be overfilled. You will
always have love to spare.
What should you do with this
excess love? Explore what happens
when you send love to this loving
presence, receive what you sent mul-
tiplied many times over and then
redirect the excess to someone who
is hurting. If you’re like many “love
explorers” who’ve come before you,
you’ll discover a shimmering sense
of joy, wonder and peace that comes
in the wake of this dynamic flow
of love. You’ll wake up to your own
power to be a deliverer of the larger
love—and you’ll be astonished at
how good this feels.
As we allow this larger love to
flow through us, our hearts begin
to open even wider. We become able
to draw in and deliver out more and
more love, and we feel more and
more joy and peace as a result. Just
as we build our muscles by exercis-
ing, we become more powerful
deliverers of love through continued
practice. This practice is what we’re
calling kindfulness.
A new way of life
Throughout this magazine, we’ll
be exploring opening, receiving,
overflowing and giving as a lifestyle.
We’ll be suggesting lots of different
tools depending on what’s blocking
you from being in the flow of the
outpouring love that characterizes
the unseen kingdom in our midst.
As you work through the medita-
tions, old questions will be answered
and new questions will arise in an
ongoing process of renewal. But one
thing will stay the same: You will
always be able to return to the love,
joy and peace that exists untouched
and unchanging in the divine pas-
ture outside of thought.
 Q&A

Common questions
Top experts
I can’t quiet my mind—will this help me?
Q: I’ve tried meditation before, but I end up frustrated and feeling like I’ve
“Mindfulness is
failed miserably when I can’t still my mind…which makes me more stressed the starting
than I was before. If I just can’t shut off my busy brain, can this still help me?
point to divine
A: With all of our responsibilities, “People commonly think you’re connection”
worries and to-do’s, it can feel only doing mindfulness well if you
impossible to escape the tornado can wipe out your thoughts and
of thoughts that swirl through our sit with a perfectly blank mind,”
mind. The good news? You don’t she says. “But that doesn’t actually
have to! Sharon Salzberg, a pioneer happen. We’re not trying to turn
in the practice of mindfulness and off our thoughts, which is the
loving kindness meditation and common misconception, we’re
author of Lovingkindness: The trying to change our relationship to
Revolutionary Art of Happiness our thoughts. So instead of grasping
and Real Change, explains that onto certain thoughts and taking
completely quieting our thoughts them to heart, the goal is to kindly
during mindfulness not only works recognize they are there, then let
against the true goal of the practice, them go.” Kindfulness works from
it’s actually impossible to do. the same basic principle.

Is this just another

Q: Mindfulness…kindfulness…it all
sounds like New Agey woo-woo to
me! I’m not a big fan of fads that
won’t have any lasting impact on
my life or emotional health. Why
“We’re not trying should I bother trying this?
to turn off our
thoughts, we’re A: “With its recent surge in
popularity, I understand the
trying to change concern that mindfulness is just
our relationship a passing New Age trend, but the
practice is actually ancient—it’s
to our thoughts” actually older than Christianity,”
explains Kristin Neff, Ph.D.,
a professor of educational
psychology and author of Self-
Compassion. And for thousands of
years, mindfulness has been touted
for its powerful emotional, physical
and even spiritual benefits, but
science has only recently caught up
with evidence that supports this.
about kindfulness
weigh in
Shouldn’t we take action?
Q: I want to reduce my anxiety and stress, but a lot of this seems to be
about accepting “what is.” Won’t that eventually turn us into smiling
zombies without a care in the world? Don’t we eventually have to act?

A: “Kindfulness gives us a way to of progress, but given that the

settle and open our mind and heart,
to turn toward both the suffering
and the joy of life, to access a deeper
truth and a freedom of heart that
forms a solid basis from which to
act,” observes Louise Ferretti, Ph.D.
One way to think of it: Imagine that
the foundation of your home was
being destroyed by termites. You feel
a sense of unease, but you don’t know
why. Intent on doing something, you
begin obsessively cleaning the first
floor and the second floor of your
home. This action gives the illusion
foundation is crumbling, your action
would ultimately be futile.
Dr. Neff expands, “If we can
see and accept ourselves and our
circumstances as they are with
a loving heart, we become more
compassionate, and therefore
more motivated to create positive
change—in ourselves and the
world.” By leading you to reexamine
and purify the basis of your actions,
kindfulness helps ensure that you
engage in actions that lead to the
most enduring good in the world.

New Age fad?

Irene Kraegel, Psy.D., author
of The Mindful Christian, has also
encountered this objection to the
practice, but she attributes the
misconception surrounding the
“newness” of mindfulness to a simple
misunderstanding. “Mindfulness is
a form of contemplation, which has
been used in the context of all major
religions and is mentioned frequently
throughout the Bible,” she explains.
“People can be triggered by the
unfamiliar language surrounding
the practice, but mindfulness is
simply an intentional awareness of
the present moment with a curious,
nonjudgmental attitude. For me, “This awakening
Getty (5); Adobe Stock

that’s the starting point for divine

connection—approaching the
is important for
moment with an open heart. And ourselves and
this openness has lasting emotional, for our world”
physical and spiritual benefits!”

21
 Q&A
What if I just don’t have the time?
Q: With a household to run, the demands of my job and all of my other
endless obligations, I barely have a moment to spare. This feels like it
would just be one more thing on my never-ending to-do list!
A: “There’s a common
misconception that we have to
formally practice mindfulness
for a long stretch each day to
get the benefits,” acknowledges
Tara Brach, Ph.D., a psychologist,
meditation teacher and author of
Radical Compassion. “But spending
a small amount of time—even
just 5 minutes—can bring about
powerfully positive effects.”
The key to fitting it all in?
Designating aspects of your daily
routine as small opportunities to
be mindful. It can be helpful if you
find opportunities first thing in the
morning—like when you’re drinking
your first cup of coffee, taking a
22 O Kindfulness
“There are no new What is so different
demands...the Q: I’ve been practicing mindfulness
for years, and a key tenet is to treat
love is always everything that arises with kindness.
already here” I don’t get what’s different about
“kindfulness”?
A: Adding heart-opening practices
to an existing mindfulness
practice brings with it a benefit
that does seem worth the extra
effort: joy. As we use mindfulness to
recognize and clear out the outdated
stories that we use as our lens on
current happenings, we find that
our hearts naturally start to open.
As we draw on the larger love that is
available at all times and help direct
it toward those who are hurting
(including ourselves), we end up
feeling a sense of joy and peace and
hope that exceeds our expectations.
“There is a mysterious source
which communicates through our
heart but is not our heart,” observes
shower or walking the dog—before
you get swept up in the day’s doings.
“As for kindfulness, practicing
mindfulness with an open heart
doesn’t take any longer than
practicing with a closed one!”
enthuses Dr. Ferretti. “Mindfulness
always has the quality of being
infused with kindness and care.
But in kindfulness practice, that
intention for kindness becomes an
intention to connect with the larger
source of love. We open to that vast
source of love, drawing on the love
and delivering it to the world. There
are no new demands here. The love
is always already here as an endlessly
renewable resource!”
about kindfulness?
Dr. Ferretti. “We are held in a
spacious and loving presence, and
it is available to us if we remember
it and surrender into it.” What
makes the practice of kindfulness,
as defined in these pages, different
from mindfulness is that there
are elements of heart opening and
drawing from this larger love built
right into the practice.
“As we feel into that field of
love, we can draw from it,” says Dr.
Ferretti. “As we draw this love in and
allow it to flow through our being
to others, the very flow of love itself
brings joy to our own heart as it adds
to the larger love in our world.”
The practice of kindfulness takes
no more time than mindfulness and
adds the benefits of a richer, more
loving experience with additional
“side effects” of an increased level of
joy and sense of connection to others
and to the divine.
“We are held in a
spacious and loving
presence that is
available to us when
we remember to
surrender”
Getty (4)
Faith leaders agree: Openhearted
kindfulness helps one evolve spiritually
Although mindfulness and loving
kindness meditation originated from
Buddhist teachings, they resonate
across religious traditions. When
we combine them into the singular
practice of kindfulness, we can view
the practice as “interspiritual”—a
term first used by Catholic monk
Wayne Teasdale to refer to the
shared spiritual heart forming the
common foundation to the world’s
great religions. Here’s what a broad
spectrum of faith leaders had to say:
Jarrett Stevens, lead pastor of
Soul City Church and author of
Praying Through, says, “Coming
from an evangelical upbringing,
I understand the concern that
mindfulness can be dangerous,” he
says. “But this practice is rooted in
Psalm 46:10: ‘Be still and know that I
am God.’ All we have is this moment,
and being in the now is the only
way to connect with God. When we
do that with quiet attention and an
open heart, we can do what Jesus
called us to do: to love God with our
whole heart, soul and mind.”
Father James Martin, Jesuit
priest and author of the upcoming
book Learning to Pray, assures us
mindfulness isn’t about clearing
your mind so there’s nothing there.
“It’s about making space for God! If
we’re not taking time to be present
with God, we’re not even noticing
God, let alone listening to God,” he
says. “Kindfulness is being aware
of God’s presence in every moment
and adding in openheartedness
that can change the world.”
Bishop T. D. Jakes, senior pastor
of The Potter’s House and author
of When Women Pray, agrees,
“Being present is built around truth
and awareness. Clearing the mind
doesn’t leave it void of spiritual
protection: It brings us into peace
this world seldom affords.”
For people of the Jewish faith,
Rabbi Dr. Benjamin Epstein, Ph.D.,
author of Living in the Presence, has
said such practice is indispensable.
“Each present moment holds the
key to connecting to the divine and
our awareness of the divinity within
each of us,” he says. “This can be
translated into the Jewish concept
of Yishuv Hadaas. The Torah’s first
use of the word daas indicates
connection and unification, while
yishuv means ‘settlement.’ Thus, the
key to being fully alive and at peace
is to be settled in and connected to
whatever is happening right now.”
The corollary in Islam, Imam Abu
Amina Elias explains, is muraqabah.
“A Muslim in the state of muraqabah
is aware of Allah and of what is
happening in their soul and from this
awareness in their relationship with
Allah in heart, mind and body, they
develop greater care for themselves
and others. Muslim scholars equate
this practice with ihsan, spiritual
excellence and the highest spiritual
state Muslims can attain.”
This practice puts us in tune
with a deeper part of ourselves,
says Hindu leader Satguru
Bodhinatha Veylanswami, author
of The History of Hindu India.
“Mindfulness meditation is the
key to the Sanskrit term smriti,
or remembering ourselves and
our relationship with what we are
aware of. It’s a step to attaining
higher states of consciousness and
union with the divine as the loving
consciousness within us.”
Kindfulness O 23
 emotion index

Your path to peace

Quickly scan this index to find a calming meditation that addresses exactly how
you’re feeling right now. When you’re not entirely sure what you’re feeling,
flip to one of the following sections of the magazine—sadness, anger, fear or
judgment—for a question-and-answer flow chart that can help you pinpoint
what’s weighing on your heart. Either way, your answer is closer than you think!

38 Abandoned 67 Fearful 67 Panicked

74 Afraid 71 Fragile 48 Peevish
48 Aggravated 78 Frazzled 78 Perplexed
48 Aggressive 82 Frightened 42 Pessimistic
79 Alone 60 Frustrated 82 Petrified
78 Antsy 56 Furious 71 Powerless
82 Anxious 31 Gloomy 67 Preoccupied
30 Apathetic 35 Grieving 60 Rebellious
57 Appalled 52 Guilty 89 Regretful
89 Ashamed 57 Hateful 89 Remorseful
66 Avoidant 39 Heartbroken 92 Repulsed
49 Betrayed 71 Helpless 66 Resentful
30 Blah 42 Hopeless 78 Restless
30 Bored 74 Horrified 92 Revolted
67 Concerned 38 Hurt 30 Sad
78 Conflicted 38 Ignored 75 Self-conscious
78 Confused 75 Inadequate 75 Self-loathing
88 Critical 60 Incensed 89 Shameful
49 Cynical 30 Indifferent 30 Sluggish
75 Defeated 75 Inferior 31 Somber
39 Dejected 52 Insecure 35 Sorrowful
42 Despairing 38 Insignificant 60 Spiteful
71 Desperate 48 Irritable 82 Stressed
74 Detached 38 Isolated 60 Suffocated
35 Devastated 30 Jaded 78 Tense
31 Disappointed 88 Judgmental 78 Terrified
92 Disgusted 38 Left out 48 Testy
39 Disillusioned 30 Listless 66 Tired
30 Disinterested 38 Lonely 79 Traumatized
82 Dismayed 30 Longing 78 Troubled
49 Disrespected 52 Mad 82 Uncertain
42 Doubtful 71 Miserable 75 Unworthy
31 Down 49 Mistrustful 49 Upset
66 Drained 35 Mournful 56 Vengeful
52 Embarrassed 48 Nasty 56 Vindictive
74 Empty 74 Nervous 79 Vulnerable
56 Enraged 79 Numb 66 Weary
88 Envious 49 Offended 79 Withdrawn
Getty (3)

38 Excluded 57 Outraged 67 Worried

66 Exhausted 74 Overwhelmed 30 Yearning

24 O Kindfulness
Adobe Stock
sadness
When you’re faced with showers of grief and
heartache, this loving guide will help turn
your deepest sorrow into spacious joy
 sadness

What kind of sadness

Is the state of Is a
the world the situation
START main reason making
for your NO you NO
sadness? sad?

YES
YES

Turn to
page 39
Did you Did you lose
suffer a NO someone?
disappointment?

YES YES NO

Search
Turn to Turn to for other
page 31 page 35
feelings on
page 24

28 O Kindfulness
are you feeling now?
There can be times when it’s hard to know
exactly what you’re feeling. For those
Do you
times, simple questions can lead you to
just feel like
pinpoint what’s underlying your unease.
something
Just follow along on this flowchart to
is missing?
arrive at your best sadness antidote

NO

YES Search
for other
feelings on
page 24

Have
you lost YES Turn to
hope? page 42

Turn to
YES page 30
NO

Turn to
Do you feel page 38
a vague sense of
restlessness?
YES

NO
Are you NO
lonely?
 sadness
Listless and longing for joy?
When feeling something like this:
No matter what I do, joy feels completely out
of reach—maybe I’m not capable of feeling
joy anymore. I don’t get excited by the
things I used to love. I only feel empty…like
something’s missing, but I don’t know what.
Explore the feeling like this: The mind
has an amazing ability to see problems and
to analyze and solve them. This ability gave
humans an edge for survival, but the mind’s
automatic tendency to focus on what seems to
be missing or wrong in this life can be a major
block to joy. With mindfulness, it is possible
to see these automatic negative tendencies and
intentionally shift your attention in ways that
gladden and brighten the mind and heart.
In fact, where your attention goes is criti-
cally important to your well-being. If you focus
on what seems to be missing or wrong, you
will have more listless thoughts. If you turn
your attention to what brings you joy, then
joy becomes your habit. The shift in attention
takes intention. You can incline your body,
heart and mind toward more joy on purpose
by directing your attention that way. This is a
way of rebalancing the survival-oriented auto-
matic tendencies of the mind. In the words of
Henri Nouwen, Catholic mystic and writer,
“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to
choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”
By taking time for yourself, becoming
quiet, turning inward with a quality of kind-
ness and a curiosity about what is happening
inside, you can shift your attention. With
repetition, you will get better at it. The truth
is that there is nothing missing in you. Within
you is the powerful capacity to access true joy.
30 O Kindfulness
Meditation Flavors of feeling
Here are a few simple ways to
refocus the mind and the heart
1
In the morning, before beginning your day, sit quietly and
reflect on this phrase: Maybe something good is going to
happen today. Then inquire, What does it feel like for me to
think that something good is going to happen, rather than there
being something bad around the corner? Let yourself sit in reflec-
tion under this question. In your body, notice whether there is a
feeling of contraction or expansion. Rest in this. During your day,
pause to connect with your intention. Close your eyes and offer
a phrase such as, Let me open to happiness, or Let me allow joy
to come. Notice what it feels like in your body when you hold this
intention. Repeat this process throughout your day.
2
Be on the lookout for moments of well-being in your
day, moments of happiness or contentment, of ease
or joy. It may occur as a fleeting moment in which you
catch sight of something lovely, like a bird settling itself nearby,
a patch of wildflowers along the road, a dog relishing a walk. Or
a sense of well-being may bubble up from within you. Let your-
self stay with the positive feeling. Let your body be filled with
it. Let it touch you deep within your cells. Take the time to savor
the moment on a bodily level, inhabiting it fully.
3
As experiencing joy becomes easier, you can begin to
investigate the many flavors that joy comes in. It may
feel like a deep peace. Or a kind of cheer. It may arrive
as an expansive bliss. Or as contentment, a sense of well-being
or a rush of strong feeling. Or a quiet steady glow. Joy has quali-
ties of light and space that can be known. Choose a practice that
speaks to you and keep coming back to it every day. Positive
feeling states, that initially feel very fleeting, will become more
Getty (5)
and more accessible, more and more stable. Trust in your
capacity to return to them, to make a home in them.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Deeply disappointed?
When feeling something like this:
So many of the things that I was looking
forward to this year have been canceled,
and now I feel like if I make plans or look
forward to anything I’ll just be let down.
Explore the feeling like this: When you
anticipate connection, pleasure and satisfaction
and it doesn’t happen, you can feel disap-
pointed, even heartbroken. It’s easy to link
happiness to specific circumstances, but con-
sider that there may be a quality of happiness
that isn’t dependent on anything, that has no
cause or requirement. This happiness comes
from a place of freedom within you.
When we are not actively engaged in a task,
the default tendency of the mind is toward
thoughts of the future or thoughts of the past,
orienting us in time and orienting us in our
story of self. Your question reflects these ten-
dencies, but you can learn to incline your mind
in a different way. A first step is to open to the
possibility that happiness may be available to
you in this very moment. There is so much to
notice in “the now” that may be nourishing,
life-giving and hopeful, and you can instantly
find refuge in it. You are not trying to get rid of
planning thoughts or sad feelings. You are sim-
ply welcoming and including all experiences as
they arise and pass away.
We so often think we’re happy because of
our circumstances. For example, we may be in
nature hearing the sound of a bird, seeing the
color of the sky, or with someone dear to us,
hearing their laugh. But what allows us to be
happy is our quality of presence. We cannot be
happy when we’re caught up in thinking of the
past or future. But in the now, we can recon-
nect with the vast, loving awareness that’s hold-
ing us and feel at peace—come what may.
Meditation The play of experience
Here is a practice for arriving more
fully into presence. If, during this practice, feelings of loss arise,
welcome them and let them be held in a kind awareness.
1
Rest in a posture that allows you to feel relaxed and alert,
with your eyes open. Allow yourself first to look around
where you are, opening your awareness to your body and
the senses. Sense your body as it is, seated, standing or reclining.
See the colors around you, the patterns of light and darkness.
Looking around, let yourself relax and take in the environment.
And when you are ready, bring your attention back to your body.
Allow your eyes to close and relax more fully. Let your eyes and
face be soft, loosen your jaw, let your shoulders relax, your arms
and hands resting easily. Sit with a sense of alertness and with a
deep invitation for presence and relaxation. Begin to experience
everything with your senses as you sit quietly. Notice the sounds
that come and go. Notice if there are any odors in the room, any
sense of smell or taste. And notice the sensations in your body.
Scanning through your body, sense any areas of ease or tight-
ness, warmth or cool, vibration or stillness, pleasure or pain.
Receive all sensations with a kind attention.
2
Now bring attention to the state of your heart. Is there
sadness, or interest, or gratitude, or excitement, or ten-
derness? Does your heart feel open or closed? Without
any judgment, just notice what is here with kindness. And now
notice the states of mind that are present, paying attention
to the thoughts and images that come and go. There may be
imagining, planning, remembering, doubting, judging or a quiet
curiosity. And finally, return to the sense of the body resting
here. Notice your “play of experience” with a spacious and kind
attention. And sense how you can use it to arrive more fully into
the present moment. You can develop the capacity to receive
your life in an openhanded way, from a place of receptivity and
care. Trusting in this capacity allows hope to rise.
story
cure
“A kindness road
After her mother passed away, Mary Latham wondered if she’d ever feel
happy again…until a three-year road trip changed her mind and her heart!
W ith a turn of the key in the
ignition, Mary Latham
heard Old Blue’s engine
rumble and purr. The navy Subaru
Outback had belonged to her mom,
Patricia Latham, and running her
hands over the steering wheel, Mary
could feel her mother’s presence…
even though it had been three years
since she’d passed from cancer.
Mary missed her mom’s smile, her
laugh, their hugs and her insightful
wisdom. And as Old Blue’s engine
hummed, Mary’s mind flashed
back to that morning in 2012,
when she’d called her mom after
“My mom would’ve loved my hearing about the Sandy Hook
road trip!” says Mary (right), school shooting on the news.
who has driven 43,000 miles in “How could something so ter-
memory of her mom (left) rible happen?” Mary had blurted,
32 O Kindfulness
“In every town, I found new
joy,” says Mary (left) with
librarian “Miss Sparkles,”
who began a kindness club
tearfully. “How is there so much
bad in the world?”
“Mary,” her mom interrupted,
her voice soft and soothing. “There
are always going to be tragedies and
disappointments in life. But there
will always be more good out there.
You just have to go look for it.”
Pulling herself back to the pres-
ent on that October day in 2016,
Mary put the car in reverse. This is
for you, Mom, her heart echoed as
she backed out of her Long Island,
New York, driveway and set out on
the road trip of a lifetime.
A life-changing journey
Mary’s intention was to travel to
Getty (4)
all 50 states and collect stories of
human kindness. Dubbing her
trip restored my joy!”

Mary spent three years on the road in her She witnessed hundreds of acts of love, like those of
mom’s car (“Old Blue”), as she was welcomed this little girl (center), who’s known for doing many kind
into the homes of 154 families across the U.S. acts in her hometown of Mansfield, Massachusetts

project “More Good,” the 29-year- and started scholarship funds so less book to donate to hospital waiting
old photographer created a website fortunate kids could go to school. rooms, where she knows firsthand
(MoreGood.today) so people could And a boy whose classmates held a that folks could use a dose of hope.
share in her journey. fundraiser to buy him a specialized “Mom was right. There really is
And share they did. wheelchair so he could play soccer. more good than bad out there, if
As Mary drove from state to Along the way, Mary was inspired we only look for it!” Mary says. “I
state, using donations from friends to spread kindness too. After being found that to be true in every town
and a GoFundMe page to told by one host about a local I visited. Even in our darkest times,
cover gas and expenses, girl known for doing the light is always there!”
she was awed by how kind acts, Mary gifted —Diane Nichols
strangers opened
“There is more the girl’s family a
their homes to good than bad Christmas photo
her. They offered out there…even in shoot. Later, she How it opens your heart
her a warm bed received an email When we feel disconnected and
our darkest times, disappointed, sometimes the
and food, while from the girl’s mom.
she filled note- the light is always “Christmas hasn’t best medicine is a story that
books with stories there!” been the same since reminds us that we’re always
of kindness. her dad died,” she wrote. surrounded by love and joy—and
Mary found that the “You brought the joy back. we don’t have to drive 43,000
more she traveled, the more You are the good you’re trying miles to find it! As Mary searched
good she discovered. to show.” Mary’s heart soared, and for acts of kindness across
There were the simple acts, like in her mind’s eye, she could see her the U.S., her intention was to
when a bank teller in Rhode Island mom smiling down from Heaven.
be present enough to see the
was having a bad day and a cus-
good happening all around her.
tomer slipped her a bag of M&M’s. Surrounded by light
Then there was the boy in Today, three years later, Mary, now We can do the same right now
Massachusetts, who, after beat- 32, has put more than 40,000 miles simply by asking ourselves: What
ing leukemia, chose to donate on Old Blue, visited all 50 states, beauty, goodness or kindness
toys to other sick kids instead of stayed with 154 families and heard do I see in this moment? You’re
celebrating at Disney World. Mary hundreds of stories of kindness, guaranteed to get a beautiful,
met families who had lost children which she plans to compile into a uplifting answer!

Kindfulness O 33
sadness

“Grief only
exists where love
lived first”
—Franchesca Cox
Getty (3)
Grieving for someone?
When feeling something like this:
I can’t move forward from the grief of
losing someone dear to me. The pain
seems to get worse instead of better,
and I can’t run from it…no matter how
hard I try. Memories that once brought
me joy now bring me heartache.
Explore the feeling like this: When
facing the loss of someone dear to you,
it’s natural to want to push the pain
away—indeed, pain avoidance is built
into our nervous system. But please
don’t resist the process of grieving. The
emotions and sensations in your body
brought up by grief carry important
messages. Can you stay willing to
mourn and allow grief to happen in its
own way, in its own time?
You have the inner capacity to do
this work, to spend time with your
grief and to care for it. You can learn to
stay, to tolerate its intensity and keep
opening to it. Let it bring you its mes-
sages. Let it teach you. Allow yourself
to fully know the truth of your pain,
because opening to the fullness of your
experience makes it possible to truly
heal the way that you most hope to.
There is a poignant quality to loss, a
profound bittersweetness. The sweet-
ness comes from the beauty of the
connection made between two hearts.
And the poignant quality comes from
vulnerability, which includes the suffer-
ing of a loss. Exploring grief is a process
of balancing the parts that uplift and
inspire us, and the parts that hurt us.
Opening to your grief through
mindfulness and kindness can help
you acknowledge and integrate your
experience more fully, and to see into
the larger truth of loss…that grief and
love are inseparable. It will also open
your heart to a deeper, more vast love
that is free of holding or clinging. Your
heart can become big enough to hold
great love and the pain of loss.
Meditation Accessing a larger love
The pain of grief can be felt in the body,
so this meditation builds tolerance to difficult sensations and focuses
on opening fully to the experience of loss. If it feels too intense in the
body, you can widen the attention outward to include sights, sounds,
smells in the room. Then as you are ready, return attention to the body.
1
Sit quietly in a peaceful place. You may close your eyes if you
like. Begin by taking a few deep, relaxing breaths. Sense your
breathing in the area of your chest. Sense the rise and fall as the
air flows in and out. You might place a hand gently over your heart and
rest it there. Now bring to mind an image of the loved one you have lost.
Imagine them seated right across from you, facing you. Let the details
come into focus, of their face and body, their smile, the light in their
eyes. See their face as they gaze at you, this beloved one. Gazing at you
with a full heart. Allow yourself to receive their loving gaze.
2
Now gently scan your body for any physical sensations. Take a
moment to softly name what you feel, like a whisper in the mind.
Is there a pleasant feeling, a warmth, a glow? Or an unpleasant
feeling, a tightness, a heaviness, a sharpness? Notice how the sensa-
tions change in intensity, the way they shift and move. Allow them to
arise and pass away like waves. If you find it difficult to stay with strong
sensations, try gently focusing on your breath. When ready, scan for
areas in the body where emotions are felt most strongly, like the throat,
chest or belly. These are places where sensations surface that are linked
to emotions we’re avoiding. Gently name what you feel—heat, pressure,
aching, vibrating, whatever is present. Hold this with tenderness, soften-
ing and relaxing. Breathing. Repeat the process for any area you notice
strong sensations, allowing any tears that may want to come.
3
Bring to mind again the image of the dear one you are grieving.
See them right here, seated across from you, not as a memory
but as if it were happening now. See their face, bringing into
focus their eyes, nose, mouth. Their hair, shoulders, upper chest. Sense
this beloved face gazing at you. Offer them your loving gaze. Let that
love fill every part of your body. Slowly begin to shift your attention
between the image of this dear one and the sensations in your body.
Taking your time as you move back and forth. Holding this dear one and
being held by them. Resting in your love for each other. Breathing.
Repeat this meditation many times. You can call forth the love
shared with your departed one; you access it within your body as a felt
sense of connection to them. This is part of a larger loving presence that
holds us all mysteriously and beautifully. Remember this love. Rest in it.
Kindfulness O 35
story
cure
“These kids healed
After a devastating loss left Mary Davis grief-stricken, she transformed her
heartbreak into hope by throwing birthday parties for homeless children across
Los Angeles—and discovered a whole new world of joy she never knew existed
M ary Davis blinked
back tears as she drove
through Skid Row in
downtown Los Angeles.
I don’t know what to do, she
thought, her heart sinking. Just a
couple of months earlier, she’d been
effervescently happy and expecting
a new baby. But after suffering a
miscarriage, she felt so…empty.
Two years earlier, the Atlanta
native had moved to Los Angeles,
met her husband, Ari, and excitedly
set out to fulfill her two biggest
callings in life: helping the home-
Mary (right) and her husband, Ari less and becoming a mother. She’d
(left), were blessed with their daughter begun by volunteering at the Union
Zivah (center) in 2017 and daughter Rescue Mission, the only shelter in
Zetta (far right) in 2019. Now, they the area that welcomed both adults
help homeless children as a family and children to stay.
36 O Kindfulness
“These kids give us joy!”
says Mary (right) with a
girl at a Union Rescue
Mission birthday party
But as one dream began, the
other had ended in heartache, tears
and a sadness that Mary had never
imagined for her life.
Parking her car, Mary walked into
the mission and gazed at the 20 chil-
dren who called the shelter home.
There are so many sweet kids here,
she thought sadly. How can I possibly
help them all? Suddenly, she flashed
back to a mission trip she’d taken in
college with Archbishop Desmond
Tutu, and his wise words echoed
in her mind: “Treat everyone you
meet as your brother or sister, and
every child as though they were
your own.”
And like a bolt of lightning,
Getty (5)
Mary was struck with a thrilling
new idea.
my broken heart!”
A celebration of love the deep pain that she had
“I want to do something to felt for so long.
brighten these children’s lives,”
Mary excitedly told Ari, explain- The greatest gift of all
ing that most of the families in the Mary and Ari began throw-
mission couldn’t even afford food ing monthly birthday parties
and shelter, much less birthday at the mission, but as more
parties for their children. and more children began to
“Why don’t we throw a joint fill the shelter, Mary real-
party for all of the kids who ized they would need more
have birthdays this month?” she help to continue hosting the
beamed, her eyes shining bright growing bashes.
with excitement. So at the end of 2013, she
“Let’s do it!” Ari cheered. founded the nonprofit Worthy of Thousands of homeless kids in L.A.
A week later, Mary and Ari Love, and with the help of gener- have blown out birthday candles
arrived at the mission with stream- ous donations and volunteers, the at Worthy of Love birthday bashes
ers, party hats and gifts for each parties have grown to include a DJ,
child. The children and an airbrush artist and the
their parents bubbled organization’s mascot, August. And just last year, they
over with excitement, Skiddy Cat. had a second daughter, Zetta. “In a
laughing and danc- “I can give “I love that we way, all of these children are ours,”
ing around the these children all can play and be Mary says with a smile. “They have
room together. ourselves at the truly brightened our lives in so
Later, after the
the love I couldn’t parties,” exclaims many ways. Being able to remind
kids had opened give my own 10-year-old Dalila, them that the day they were born is
their presents and baby” who attends each important and that they are worthy
were playing with party Worthy of Love of love is just the icing on the cake!”
their new toys, Mary throws. “We get to be —Alexandra Pollock
noticed that one girl had free for a night!”
gotten a truck, and she offered But as each event ends and every-
to trade it for a new doll. one joins hands to sing “Stand By
How it opens your heart
To her surprise, the child vig- Me,” Worthy of Love’s traditional
We’ve all experienced a deep
orously shook her head, her eyes closing song, Mary knows that the
shining as she rolled the truck greatest gift of all is the love and sense of loss in life—the same
gleefully back and forth over the joy of the kids. heartache, emptiness and longing
floor. Suddenly, Mary realized “After we lost our second baby that Mary felt in her story. But
something important. It didn’t to a miscarriage, Ari and I felt the by simply imagining the joy with
matter what the gift was: This need more than ever to celebrate which she plans each birthday
little girl was just happy to have these precious children,” Mary party, the look of elation on each
a toy to play with. shares. “But we just never expected child’s face as they open a present
And as she hugged the child how much joy and healing they or blow out their candles, even
close, Mary felt the deep sadness were going to bring to us.” the pure ecstatic joy of their
in her heart begin to lift. I can And after watching more than dancing, we find our own heart
give these sweet children all the love 6,000 kids blow out candles at their dancing too, as a vast, beautiful
I couldn’t give to my own baby, parties, Mary and Ari were finally love flows through us. And in this
she realized, hope flooding her blessed with their own beautiful moment of joyful connection, our
heart…and a well of joy easing baby girl, Zivah, who turned 3 this heart opens, fills and…heals.

Kindfulness O 37
sadness
Feeling forgotten?
When feeling something like this: I feel like a ghost in my own life,
wandering through the world, feeling invisible and forgotten. I have a few
family members and friends who care about me, but they’re focused on their
own lives, so I’m more of an afterthought. I’m just so lonely all the time.

Explore the feeling like this: but we must remember to be open to

Every heart longs for connection.
These feelings of loneliness and the
sense of being unseen come when
we become cut off from the larger
source of love available to us. There
is a vast and inclusive love that holds
us all, a mysterious source that
communicates through our hearts,
it and draw from it. You can become
a conduit of this love by inviting it to
flow through your heart to others.
When you become a vessel for the
flow of love, bringing it to others
who also long to be seen and loved,
you can deepen your connection and
sense your belonging.

Meditation Opening the eyes

of the heart
This loving practice helps cultivate good will toward those you may overlook
or who are unknown to you. It nurtures in you an attitude of befriending that
helps you to see with the eyes of love.

1
Settle your body in a way that supports alertness and ease. Allow your
eyes to close. Sense your body expanding and relaxing with each breath.
Relax back into an easy, open awareness, resting your attention in the area
of your heart. Now, invite into your awareness a person who is very dear to you.
Visualize their face and offer them your heartfelt wish for well-being, reciting
these phrases: May you be safe and well. May you live with ease. Feel what it’s
like in your body to be generating this intention of love. Tune into the sensations
you are feeling—it may be warmth, spaciousness, light. Let this fill you. Continue
for some minutes, breathing and focusing on the intentions for your loved one.

2
Now bring to mind a person whom you don’t know well—it may be
someone you see at work, a clerk where you shop, a neighbor you see
on the street. Try to remember their face or the last time you encoun-
tered them. Begin to offer the warmth and friendliness you feel for the dear
person, using the same phrases: May you be safe and well. May you live with
ease. Sustain your connection with this person as long as you can. If your atten-
tion wanders, gently return your focus to the person you feel more close to for
a time. And when ready, shift back to the neutral person. Sense whether it may
be possible for you to offer the same depth of caring and warmth to the neutral
person as you offer to your loved one. Bring a sense of appreciation for this
unknown person, their dignity and inherent beauty. Sense your common bond,
the shared longing to be seen and loved, to be free from loneliness.
Bring this practice into your daily life, focusing on the same person over a
Getty (5)

period of time. Experiment with it in situations when you feel the most sepa-
rated and isolated. Notice how it brings aliveness and vitality to your heart.

For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com

Heartbroken
for the world?
When feeling something like this: Seeing
all the ways we’re degenerating as a society
makes me feel helpless. Things seem more
disconnected and vicious, and I’m starting to
believe the world is a just a bad, cruel place.
Explore the feeling like this: The changes
you’re witnessing in society that seem to trend
toward disconnection and a lack of care are
extremely painful. They can make you feel
cut off from a sense of goodness in the world.
While it may be difficult to impact the state
of the world in ways you can readily see and
understand, you are the master of your own
heart. And by changing your heart, you not
only discover a peaceful refuge, you may be
changing the world in ways that we can’t
quite see nor completely understand.
Mindfulness can help you to become aware
of the patterns of your inner experience—of
sensations in the body, thoughts and emo-
tional reactions. One pattern that becomes
apparent is the mind’s tendency to repeat the
same thoughts. Unfortunately, this includes
thoughts of how terrible things are and how
they seem unlikely to change, fueling pain-
ful emotions. These emotions, in turn, fuel
more of the hopeless thoughts. These chains of
thought and reactive emotion happen largely
outside of our awareness and keep us caught
in our pain. The mind and body become con-
stricted, the heart closes and hope feels elusive.
And yet it’s possible to widen your view
and become aware of a web of connection that
tenderly holds all. This is a mystery, but if you
turn toward it you can discover the truth of
this most lovely connection in your own heart.
Meditation Mystery of hope
It is important to create the space
in your life for moments of reconnection, to widen your per-
spective and to let yourself be held in something larger. The
natural world offers access to this vast web of connected life.
When we observe nature, we feel a kinship with and connection
to the mystery of life, sensing ourselves as a part of the larger
force of goodness that holds everything. When you take your
place there, you can release your pain more easily.
1
Find a place where you can see some part of the natural
world. A patch of sky, a view of trees or a landscape. Go
outdoors if possible. Settle your body in a way that allows
you to feel balanced and steady. Closing your eyes, gently
notice your breathing. Let it be the kind of breath that allows
your body to settle, your mind to quiet. Sense the inflow and
outflow of air, letting yourself be drawn into it more and more.
And as you sense yourself feeling more relaxed, gently open
your eyes. Rest your gaze on the natural world before you,
observing with a quality of curiosity and interest. Sensing how
your breath is replenished by the plant life around you, the way
you are co-breathing with countless living beings, large and
small, visible and hidden, near and far, sharing breath with all
the creatures that see the same sky. Allow your emotions to flow
freely, letting your heart be touched by this exchange.
2
Receive the goodness around you, noticing the shapes,
colors and textures, the quality of light. Sense the mys-
tery, the abundance that’s here before you. Notice what-
ever is arising in you—sensations in your body, thoughts and
emotions—allowing it to be just as it is. If you feel sadness about
the state of the world, let yourself feel this fully. Know that there
is nothing in your experience that doesn’t belong, nothing that
you have to change or fix. Know in a simple way that you are
woven into something vast and timeless and without end, this
mystery of life that is continuously changing and renewing itself.
Rest here. Return to this practice regularly to create a place of
refuge for yourself…that reminds you that hope is possible.
Kindfulness O 39
story
cure
“Loving words can
When Amy Wolff learned the suicide rate in her town was high, she created
uplifting signs that helped thousands around the world find comfort and peace
“Each of us has the power to
spread love right where we are
and at this very moment!” says
Amy, the founder of the Don’t
Give Up Movement
40 O Kindfulness
A my Wolff’s eyes widened in
shock as she asked her friend
to repeat the statistic she’d
just shared with their group.
“That’s right,” her friend, a local
teacher, nodded. “In Newberg
alone, we’ve lost two current stu-
dents and four former students to
suicide just this year.”
Amy’s head spun. So many people
in pain in the world, she thought,
tears welling in her eyes. Amy was
fortunate to have a loving husband,
two daughters and a caring group
of friends, but she couldn’t bear
to think that so many others were
deeply suffering.
And there’s nothing I can do, the
Oregon native thought sadly. After
all, she was a public speaking coach,
not a therapist…how could she ease
the pain of the world?
A volunteer helps stake
the inspiring signs that
now spread hope across
all 50 states
But as days passed, Amy
couldn’t shake the feeling that she
had to do something. Years before,
she’d toyed with the idea of mak-
ing yard signs with simple messages
of love and joy and anonymously
staking them around her commu-
nity to inspire passersby.
“Maybe that could help some-
one,” Amy mused to herself.
Inspired, she reached for her phone
to make the call that would ulti-
mately change so many lives.
Small tokens of big love
Amy’s friend Jessica Brittell, a
graphic designer, enthusiastically
agreed to help her mission.
“Great!” Amy said, explain-
ing that she wanted 20 signs
Getty (5)
made with three simple phrases:
“You are worthy of love,”
transform lives!”
“Don’t give up” and “Your mistakes going through a hard
do not define you.” time, and that sign is just
With the signs in hand a week what we need.” Elated,
later, Amy and her family set Amy agreed, returning
out to stake them in yards across to her husband in the car.
their community. “This is big, Jake…this
“It’s just for two weeks,” Amy is helping people.”
explained to the homeowners. And as their eyes met,
“And we’re not looking to promote it was settled…they were
anything. We’re just a family look- ready to go even bigger. Volunteers also hand out
ing to spread comfort.” Hearing wristbands and stickers with
that, all 20 houses agreed to host A larger mission the encouraging sayings
the signs, and within hours, Excited, Amy set up a web-
Amy’s phone was buzz- site and added more Your signs saved my life, one
ing nonstop. “Reminding messages to the signs, person wrote. It’s like the signs
“People love like, “You matter” were put there just for me to give me
them!” she told her people that they and “You are not encouragement after my heart attack,
husband, Jake, as matter changes alone.” And just another shared.
neighbors gushed everything and like that, the Don’t Today, the Don’t Give Up
over the signs, ask- Give Up Movement Movement has become a nonprofit
ing if they could brings so much (DontGiveUpSigns. that has spread to all 50 states and
buy them. In fact, hope!” com) was born. internationally, from Rwanda to
in mere days, Amy Amy never dreamed China, sharing messages on signs,
had received more than it would spread beyond her wristbands and more.
150 orders. community, but when a group of For Amy, nothing could bring
But when she went back to col- friends took a road trip across the her more joy. “I never imagined the
lect one of the signs that her family country, leaving a trail of signs in power simple words could have to
had originally placed in their neigh- their wake, the movement picked help others,” she says. “Reminding
bor’s yard, the true impact they up momentum. Soon, orders— people that they matter changes
were making became clear. along with heartfelt thanks for the everything—and we all have the
“Can you leave it up?” the neigh- messages—began flooding in from power to spread love this very
bor asked. “My family has been across the United States. moment!” —Alexandra Pollock

How it opens your heart

In a world full of bad news, sadness and uncertainty, it is easy
to feel bogged down and brokenhearted—and even easier,
in the midst of the turmoil, to feel disconnected and alone.
But it can help to imagine a comforting hand reaching out to
us, much like Amy’s signs reached out from the roadside to
remind passersby of these important facts: You matter. You
are worthy of love. You are never alone.
By simply reminding ourselves and others of these lovely
truths, we can rediscover the deep undercurrent of inter-
Amy (center), shown connectedness that links us to one another. Why not send
here in China, has seen a text or call someone up right now to remind them of how
the movement spread to special they are today. You will both be the better for it!
26 countries and counting

Kindfulness O 41
 sadness
Hopeless?
When feeling something like this:
No matter what I do or how hard I try, I feel like things just never get
better in my life. I’ve struggled for so long, and I’ve seen so many good
people around me suffer that all I feel now is despair.
Explore the feeling like this: You
are deeply discouraged about your
situation, and your thoughts are
telling you to abandon hope, that
you have no power to make a real
change in life. But these thoughts
leave something out. There is a lov-
ing presence available to you that is
much larger than any thought. As
you remember that this love is always
available to you, you will wake up
from the illusion of hopelessness.
As you encounter the suffering
that gives rise to hopelessness, the
natural tendency is to turn away
from the discomfort and close your
heart in self-protection. But you can
learn to respond in a new way.
Compassion develops when,
rather than turning away from
discomfort, you allow the love avail-
able to you to meet the suffering
you encounter. Your heart becomes
a bridge between the loving pres-
ence and those who are hurting.
42 O Kindfulness
Meditation
Being the bridge
This practice restores hope by
cultivating compassion. Bringing
together the love that’s in our
When you allow your heart to midst with the suffering of others
remain open in this way, you’ll transforms despair into hope.
find that instead of turning away
from the pain others feel, you’ll
1
Sitting comfortably, take
turn toward those others, that pain.
a few slow, deep breaths,
Why? Because you’ll gain confi-
dence that this larger love naturally focusing your attention
flows through you to the one in on your body. As you allow your
pain. And whenever love flows breath to fall into its natural
through you in this way, you’ll reap rhythm, gently rest your hand
the lovely side effects: tenderness, on your abdomen. Relax and
quiet joy and, yes, hope. You’ll also breathe into your abdomen,
feel your own pain ease, swept away sensing the movement of the
by the flow of this larger love. breath through your hand.
If the person in pain has opened As the rhythm of the breath
their heart, you’ll witness an easing relaxes you more and more, bring
of their pain through their willing- to mind someone who you rely
ness to receive the larger love flow-
on as a loving presence. This
ing through you to them. Their
could be Jesus, God the Father,
hope will likewise be renewed.
Saint Francis, Buddha or which-
Shutterstock; Getty (2)
Although the suffering of life
affects us all, the antidote is avail- ever loving divinity you most
able at every moment. All we need relate to. Or you could focus on a
do is open our hearts to receive and person or a pet who represents a
give and we will live in eternal hope. loving your presence in your life.

2 5
Gently, quietly allow your
focus on the specific loving
presence you’ve brought to
mind to expand. Close your eyes and
sense the larger loving presence all
around you. Open your heart to this
everywhere love and feel yourself
breathing it in from all directions.
Imagine your heart breathing love in
and breathing love out.
3
Now bring to mind a situa-
tion that is causing suffering
for a particular person or
a group of people and that brings
you a sense of hopelessness. It could
be a friend who has lost her job,
a family who is touched by illness
or even a larger community that is
currently suffering a tragedy. Form
a detailed picture in your mind of
those who are deeply affected by
this pain. Imagine their faces, their
loved ones, their heartbreak,
their day-to-day struggles.
Breathing gently, let yourself
become deeply aware of their sor-
rows. Allow yourself to sense the
realness of their pain. Let yourself
be touched by their suffering. You
might inquire, What is it like for you?
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
“Hope is being able to see
that there is light despite
all of the darkness”
—Desmond Tutu
Feel your heart open to their sorrow.
Notice how it feels in your body.
Allow that sense of caring to grow,
and if you feel tears, let them fall.
As you feel the urge to turn away
from the painful feelings, return to
drawing in the loving presence you
felt earlier. Feel your heart, now ach-
ing for the suffering you’re feeling
on behalf of another, breathe in the
everywhere love. Feel that larger
love quench the suffering and wash
it away. Like a drop of food coloring
disperses in the ocean, so this suf-
fering is both held and dispelled in
the sea of larger love. Breathe in this
love, feel the wonder and joy of the
larger love easing the suffering, and
breathe out what’s left of the pain.
4
As you focus your breath,
once again, notice any sensa-
tions in the body. If there’s a
strong experience in your body that
feels like too much, let yourself be
touched by it, but let it flow through
you and out with each breath. Let
yourself breathe through this wave
of feeling, allowing the pain to come
in and then softly breathing it out so
no residue of tension remains.
As you are ready, begin to
offer these caring phrases of
intention to those affected
by the suffering:
May you wake up to loving
presence.
May your suffering be eased.
May you know deeply that you are
not alone in your struggles.
May your heart find peace.
Repeat these phrases several times
and offer your heartfelt blessing to
those who are suffering. Imagine
them feeling comforted. Healed. Let
this intention for their well-being
resonate through your heart and
mind. Rest in the spaciousness and
peace of this larger love.
6
This larger loving presence is
always available to you. The
key is to be relaxed and open
as you seek it in the spaciousness
of that place inside awareness but
outside of thought. At any moment,
day or night, you have the opportu-
nity to be the bridge between love
and pain and to help ease the suf-
fering of our times. And as you feel
the power of the love to dispel pain,
hope will naturally arise.
Kindfulness O 43
Adobe Stock
 anger
When tides of fury and strikes of irritation
are threatening to pull you under, turn to
these pages for a certain path to peace
 anger

What kind of anger

Are you Is a particular
START angry at person
yourself? NO making you NO
angry?

YES
YES

Turn to
page 52 Have you Can’t get
been betrayed past rage at
NO
or do you feel someone?
mistrustful?

YES YES NO

Search
Turn to Turn to for other
page 49 page 56 feelings on
page 24

46 O Kindfulness
are you feeling now?
There can be times when it’s hard to know
exactly what you’re feeling. For those
Are groups times, simple questions can lead you to
of people pinpoint what’s underlying your unease.
bringing up Just follow along on this flowchart to
anger? arrive at your best anger antidote
NO

YES Search
for other
feelings on
page 24

Do you feel
hatred toward YES Turn to
page 57
a group?

Turn to
YES page 60
NO

Turn to
page 48
Do you feel others
are restricting you
in unfair ways?
YES

NO Do you feel general NO

irritation with others?
 anger
Irritated and on edge?
When feeling something like this:
Everyone and everything is aggravating
me right now. I’m filled with mean-spirited
thoughts, and anger spews out of me at
every small inconvenience: when someone
takes too long to move their car at a green
light, when the printer jams at work, when
someone gets my order wrong. I can’t hold
my irritation in…and I just snap. But with
every outburst, I feel worse about myself.
Explore the feeling like this: Although
irritability can seem like a surface emotion,
it is truly a small sign of a large and deeply
painful place. The tendency to snap over
a minor inconvenience is the tip of an ice-
berg that extends down into a hard, cracked
place formed from a long and brutal history
of self-blame.
There are so many things in your life
that have gone wrong—that’s true of every
life—but you are not responsible for all these
misfortunes. You have neither the power nor
the ill will to turn every good into a bad. You
are an imperfect, yet beautiful and essentially
good, child of a loving Creator. You must
release yourself from the self-condemnation
that’s like a constant drumbeat beating as the
background music to your life. You must turn
away from the voice in your head that tells
you that you’re what’s wrong in the world.
That voice lies. It’s time to tell it goodbye.
By exploring the ways you have held your-
self responsible for crimes you did not com-
mit and releasing yourself from the guilty
verdicts you’ve passed, you will find that you
Getty (5)
no longer “sweat the small stuff” and will
free yourself from chronic crankiness.
48 O Kindfulness
Meditation Forgiving yourself
Do this meditation when you need
to ease irritation. You can be present for yourself in a caring way
and begin to release the burdens that weigh you down.
1
Sit quietly in a comfortable place. Recall a time recently
when you reacted in an irritable way that left you feeling bad
about yourself. Let the scene play in your mind’s eye and
pay attention to your inner experience. Observe the waves that
arise—sensations in your body, patterns of thought, emotional
reactions—without judgment. Simply acknowledge the truth of
it, the fear or sadness, the feelings of unworthiness or shame.
Approach with a quality of gentleness and care. Sense the way it
hurts. Be willing to be touched by it. When you contact your own
vulnerability, this allows a tenderness toward it to unfold. What
does this pain need? You can use touch to help soothe the part of
you that’s struggling—place a hand on your heart or imagine the
embrace of a dear one. If feelings come that are too strong, you
can shift your attention to focus on sounds in the environment
or take a break and return when you are ready. Give yourself the
comfort you need as you connect with this pain.
2
Allow yourself to feel the sorrow you carry from this ten-
dency to become irritable. Recognize that you have made
mistakes, that you are imperfect. You are only human.
Sense the part of you that cares deeply about others, that wants
to be softer, less reactive and more responsive. Sense that you
can release this burden. You can free your heart. Repeat to your-
self: For the ways I’ve done harm to others and to myself, caused
pain out of my own hurt and confusion, I offer myself forgive-
ness. I forgive myself. Gently repeat these phrases until you feel
a release in your heart. If you do not feel a release, be forgiving
of yourself for not being ready yet and return to the practice at a
later time. Forgiveness has its own timeline and can’t be rushed.
Betrayed and mistrustful?
When feeling something like this: I’ve
been betrayed and taken advantage of, and
it makes me furious. Now it’s hard for me to
trust anyone. I’ve become more defensive,
and I feel my heart hardening toward others.
Explore the feeling like this: Anger is a part
of your experience that is necessary and impor-
tant. When someone takes advantage of you or
attacks something you care about, it tells you
that something precious is being harmed, some
basic need is not being met. It may be the need
for fairness or for safety, or to be seen and val-
ued. Often the tendency with anger is to react
quickly, to become caught up in blaming and
defensiveness. But if you engage in these auto-
matic response patterns, it only creates more
suffering and more distance.
Though you cannot be responsible for
another’s behavior, you do have the capacity
to be present to what is happening inside you
in a way that is wise and kind. Every person
has layers of suffering beyond what can be
observed. As you begin to see this and open to
it in yourself, you will begin to really see oth-
ers. With mindfulness and a willing and car-
ing attention, you can see the difficult person
who angers you as one who shares the same
hidden layers of suffering buried deep within
them. This softens you and awakens empathy.
You are able to see others as worthy of being
seen and cared about.
In owning your needs and recognizing the
same vulnerability in others, you can see even
the difficult people in your life in their larger
humanity. Knowing the qualities of need and
vulnerability are there at the core of every
human being, you can rediscover the difficult
feelings in yourself as a point of connection to
others, a basis for caring solidarity.
Meditation Pathway to empathy
This practice helps you open your
heart to someone who has broken
your trust. Begin with the “Coming into presence” meditation on
page 9, so you are deeply relaxed and focused.
1
Bring to mind a person you feel has betrayed your trust in
a way that led to an angry reaction in you. Select someone
who is somewhat challenging (a 4 out of 10) but not the
most challenging for you. Picture the situation with this difficult
person and allow the feelings to arise. Where do you experience
this in your body? What sensations and emotions can you name?
What are you believing about this person? What are you wanting
or hoping for? What needs are not being met? Can you see into
the depth of your suffering? Can you stay present and open to it
fully? Regard your experience with kindness and care.
2
Now, visualize someone with whom it’s easy to feel love
and who meets your needs. Sense that experience in your
body and rest for a time with a feeling of being supported.
Then, bring to mind again the difficult person. Can you sense
what it might be like to be this person? Not thinking, but really
sensing from within. How might they be struggling? What might
they be needing or hoping for? Sense the hidden layers of dis-
tress this person lives with. Know that just like you, they struggle.
They experience loneliness and despair. They’ve faced trauma
and loss. They feel unworthy at times. They harbor fear. You know
of this suffering in yourself. Can this understanding give rise to a
sense of care? Can you meet them in their suffering?
You might sit, breathing quietly, and reflect on this, holding
the intention of good will toward this one who, just like you, strug-
gles with vulnerability and unmet needs. Who, like you, embodies
a dignity, worth and potential for goodness. Offer them a prayer
of intention: May you be free from confusion and fear, free from ill
will. May you be at peace. Let your wish be like a radiance moving
to them. In doing so, you can live with a greater freedom of heart.
story
cure
“This team gives us
When Cristina Rood’s son and daughter with special needs couldn’t find a cheer
program, she decided to dig out her old pom-poms and form a team of her own!
“You can practically see these kids
emerging from their shells!” says
team founder Cristina Rood
C
ristina Rood smiled as
her 2-year-old daughter,
Charlotte, and her young
boy, Kayden, rocked and bounced
to a TV commercial jingle. They
love to move, Cristina thought with
a smile. They get that from me. She’d
been a high school and college
cheerleader and had even cheered
for a semipro football team. But as
happy memories resurfaced, sud-
denly the Nampa, Idaho, mom’s
heart twinged wishing her kids
could be part of a cheerleading
50 O Kindfulness
team. But Charlotte had devel-
opmental delays, and 1-year-old
Kayden was born with mild cerebral
palsy (CP) and wore leg braces.
Cristina knew many organized
activities were happy to include kids
with special needs, but she couldn’t
trust that her kids would actually
participate. It would make her upset
and angry when special-needs chil-
dren were put in the back row, and
in her experience, they rarely got the
attention they needed to succeed.
They deserve better, she thought,
sharing her feelings on Facebook.
Special Olympics is great, but are
there any local special-needs teams
for things like cheerleading?
Suddenly, a message from a man
named Alex Fox, a Special Olympics
The Mitchie’s Mustangs
cheer squad helps kids with
special needs develop
self-esteem and confidence
coach, popped up. No. But I would
love to help someone start one!
I’m your girl! Cristina replied
enthusiastically, her heart leaping
with joy at the opportunity.
Building team spirit
Soon after their conversation,
Cristina met with Alex. “Instead
of helping kids with special needs
adapt for cheerleading, I want to
adapt cheerleading for the kids,”
she shared with him.
“I know you’ll have at least one
student—my son. Karston has a neu-
Mike Olsen (3); Getty (5)
rological disease and is in a wheel-
chair,” Alex explained, and when
Cristina learned that Alex also had
a medically fragile nephew, Mitch,
who had died at age 15, she decided
a reason to cheer!”
to honor him and call her team As weeks passed, Cristina added
“Mitchie’s Mustangs.” more cheers with more steps. And
Alex immediately put out the one afternoon, she asked the class,
word on Facebook and offered “So…do you think you’re all ready
his office lobby for practice. Five for a public performance?”
kids showed up for the “Yes!” the kids cheered,
first class, including happily.
19-year-old Andrea “These kids Wanting to make the
Vazquez, who was occasion extra special,
born with a gene are proving to Alex arranged for a
defect that left her themselves and pink limo to drive
with kidney prob- the community the team to a local
lems and learning kidney disease run,
disabilities. “She
just how able they where they would
used to do gymnas- really are!” cheer on the runners.
tics, and she loves to By the time they The squad welcomes boys and
dance,” her mom, Virginia, arrived at the park, the kids girls of all abilities to lend their
told Cristina. “Unfortunately, she were really revved up. Assembling spirit to local sporting events
just aged out of the high school at the finish line, they chanted,
programs. Without any activity cheered and did a pom-pom dance a boost that she now volunteers at
to enjoy, she just mopes around routine. The spectators went wild— her old school’s special ed class and
the house.” That was exactly why Mitchie’s Mustangs received as at church.”
Cristina had opened her team to much applause as the runners. “You can practically see the kids
girls and boys of any age or ability. Seeing their faces light up, emerging from their shells,” says
After a round of introductions, Cristina felt a lump form in her Cristina, beaming. “These young
Cristina lined up the kids and began throat as she realized that cheerlead- people are coming to realize—and
teaching a simple two-step cheer. ing wasn’t just something fun for showing the community—just
“Mit-chie’s…Mus-tangs!” she them to do. We’re building their con- how able they are. And that’s truly
slowly but excitedly pronounced, fidence and self-esteem, she smiled. something to cheer about.”
slapping her thighs, then clapping —Bill Holton
her hands. “Come on, you guys do Something to cheer about
it,” she encouraged and soon the kids Today, a year later, Mitchie’s
were following along, faces beaming. Mustangs boasts 11 members, How this heals your heart
Seeing their children having fun and they’re about to get two new In what can seem on our bad days
just like other kids put smiles on the cheerleaders—Charlotte and like a cruel and inhospitable world,
parents’ faces too. Grateful families Kayden, who Cristina initially it’s easy to feel angry, irritated or
spread the word, and at the next thought were too young to par- frustrated. But as Cristina’s story
class, more students showed up. ticipate, but she changed her mind reminds us, we can turn things
Kendra Ferris brought her after watching them dance along around by taking steps to be the
13-year-old daughter, Katie, who has from the sidelines. good we want to see in the world.
Down syndrome. Katie’s 16-year-old The team performs at rec center
Opening our heart to those in
sister, Kalista, who doesn’t have spe- competitions and other local events.
need, brightening someone’s day
cial needs, tagged along. “How can Friendships have blossomed, among
I help?” she asked. Cristina happily the families and the team members. or helping someone feel loved and
appointed her as junior coach, and “Thanks to Cristina, Andrea embraced can be the key to finding
while Cristina led cheers up front, feels less isolated, more a part of a the joy we’ve been searching for.
Kalista helped guide anyone strug- community,” says Virginia. “Her Love is the secret to overcoming
gling to keep up. self-confidence has received such anger…and feeling G-R-E-A-T!

Kindfulness O 51
 anger

Angry at you? Meditation

When feeling something like this: I constantly feel like everything
wrong in my life is my fault. If I were only smarter, more disciplined, more Letting go of the
caring, more…everything, life would be better for me and for everyone I dream of control
love. I can’t stop focusing on my failings. I can’t stop condemning myself When you take a quiet moment
for the bad that I’ve done and the good that I have left undone. to reflect on it, it’s easy to see
that we’re not in control of every-
Explore the feeling like this: As with every negative emotion thing that happens in our life. In
Everyone lives with a version of that we cling to, there is always some- fact, we are not often even able
inner judging voice—that inner thing positive we’re getting from
to always distinguish what’s
critic—and it can be relentless and it. There’s always some way it feels
good from what’s bad. For exam-
truly brutal at times. When your good, and that good feeling is what
inner judge comes to dominate your keeps us from kicking it to the curb. ple, you may have lost a job,
moment-to-moment experience, it With self-recrimination, what we which seemed bad at the time,
signals the need for mindful inves- receive is a sense of power, a sense only to land a better one the fol-
tigation. Your “mind moments” of control. If our failings cause the lowing week. And perhaps that
are being colored—tainted—by bad things that happen in our life, “better job” turns out to be not
something that lies outside of your then there’s some hope of avoiding so great, but it leads you to make
awareness. You are robbing yourself those bad things. If we were just a lifelong friend. And on it goes.
of the joy that is your birthright by better, bad things wouldn’t happen If we are to find any real
allowing this to continue. to us. This is at once painful (we peace, we must trust that there’s
Imagine you live your life in a hate it that we didn’t do better) and something larger than ourselves.
small room with just one window. reassuring (it means there’s hope This higher power who/that
Now visualize that window becom- of future control). To let go of self-
may or may not be in control
ing covered with soot so only the reproach is to let go of the dream
(depending on your belief sys-
slightest, dirtiest light makes its of control—and that can feel like
way in. Your constant self-reproach jumping off a cliff to many of us tem), but who cares and offers a
is like that soot on the light of your who have been conditioned by fear. soft place to land when life gets
life: It’s making every moment just In this meditation, we’ll explore bumpy. Let’s investigate that by
a little bit darker, a little bit sadder, how to let go of the dream of con- exploring the place outside of
a little bit harder. It’s time to stop. trol to discover something better. thought.

52 O Kindfulness
 “Being human is not hard because
you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard
because you’re doing it right”
—Glennon Doyle
Shutterstock; Getty (2)

1 2
Sit comfortably in a space that
feels safe to you. Close your
eyes and bring an interested
and kind attention to your breath-
ing. Sense your whole body seated.
Sense the space surrounding you,
holding and supporting you.
Allow your thoughts to exist in the
space of your awareness, but refrain
from focusing on them. Let them
come. Let them go. But try not to
“think” them; rather, allow your focus
Now bring to mind something
you have reproached yourself
for and continue to feel guilty
about. Allow the scene to play out
as though it is happening right now.
Direct your attention to your body.
What are you aware of as you replay
this? What does it feel like inside your
body? Is there tightness or pressure
in a specific area of your body?
All emotions and beliefs have a
corresponding felt-sense experience
Sense if there may be something
deeper, a deeper feeling or experi-
ence you may be turning away from.
Something you have been unwill-
ing to feel. Deepen your breath as
needed to bring some balance. Invite
the experience you are having to be
as big as it wants to be. Let it fill you.
Let it unfold completely and allow
yourself to be held within the larger
safe and loving space. Rest here.

to broaden beyond them.
Can you “feel around” outside of
your thoughts and detect something
else? Send out feelers and see what
you encounter. It won’t be a thought,
but rather a feeling. A sense of some-
thing different than you.
Explore this feeling outside of
thought. What are its characteristics?
Loving? Peaceful? Kind? If you’re
like contemplatives from many faith
traditions throughout history, you
will find a place of tenderness, a love
that’s always and already there. It’s
as though this loving presence is
the ground on which your thoughts
travel. It’s hard to sense the ground
we’re standing on, but in the case of
thought, so reassuring when we do.
in the body. To support your con-
tact with these experiences, try to
sense them from within, from inside
your body. There may be a feeling of
vibration, of aching or throbbing, or
chills or heat. Notice the sensations
and how they move and change with
time. Let whatever you are aware of
be just as it is and open to the experi-
ence as fully as you can.
Now feel around for that ground
of awareness you just discovered.
That peaceful, loving place. Allow the
tension to drain out of your body into
the kind holding place. It may help to
envision falling backward as though
into a sea of silky pillows. Let it all go.
You’re safe. You’re held. You’re loved
always and already.
3
Now begin to sense your
whole body seated here.
Sense your body meeting
the space that surrounds it. Now
sense from the surrounding space
where it meets your body. Where
is the meeting point? Is that small,
guilty person who you really are?
Rest with the question. If you weren’t
angry with yourself, who would
you be? Breathe with the question.
Does the anger divide you from the
larger loving awareness? If so, does it
diminish you even as it seems to give
you independence?
Rest in the spacious awareness
that cradles you in love and consider
whether this peace underneath is
your true home.

Kindfulness O 53
story
cure
“With forgiveness,
When former judge Lesly Devereaux bent the rules to help her family, she was
caged by guilt…until she found that the key to her freedom was already in her heart

A s the court officer called,

“All rise!” Lesly Devereaux
flinched. With her heart
pounding, she stood to face the
judge. In the past, she had been
on the other side of the bench, but
today, everything was different. It
had been four years since she’d been
indicted for abusing her power as a
public official—and it had all come
down to this moment. Please, don’t
let me go to prison, her soul cried.
But her prayer went unanswered as
the judge laid down her sentence.

In the name of love

Looking back, Lesly could see the
way her life had led her to this very
moment. She and her siblings had
grown up in a family where addic-
tion and chaos reigned, and Lesly
had ended up taking on the role of
parent, feeling responsible for her
siblings and guilty if she couldn’t fix
everything. “Do your homework!”
she’d call to her younger sister,
Candy, while trying to wrangle in
her troublemaker brother, Shawn.
That pattern of rescuing her
family members continued into
adulthood. When Candy struggled
to hold down a job, Lesly would
help her find a new one, and when
Shawn ended up in jail, she’d bail
him out. Though it was all done
Rolland Smith (RollandMSmith.com); Getty (6)

out of love, Lesly knew in her heart

“I’m proof that life can be good
again!” says Lesly, who’s now back
to practicing law to help others
it was hurting her siblings…and
draining her.
Still, she persevered and became
a lawyer, judge and government
official. But when Shawn died in
2002, the family began to crumble.
It’s all falling apart, Lesly worried,
watching her mother fall into grief
while Candy neared homelessness.

54 O Kindfulness
all hurts can heal!”
I have to do something to help. So
Lesly she decided to give her mother
and Candy jobs in her department.
But when she did so without fol-
lowing protocol, Lesly was fired,
and she and Candy were indicted
on 16 counts of misconduct.
I would never do anything to hurt
my sister, Lesly cried. She’s innocent
and yet had to pay the price with me!
In short order, Lesly had lost every-
thing: her career, her reputation
and finally…her freedom.
Finding true freedom
It was Lesly’s guilt, however, that
consumed her most, causing her
sleepless nights and weight loss as
she waited to be sentenced.
But one night, she
heard a woman on
TV talking about “You have a
how Jesus healed choice to make:
her depression.
Inspired, Lesly
to fall flat in guilt
enrolled in semi- or fall forward
nary school, tak- hope!”
ing classes between
court appearances and
graduating just before being
sentenced to six and a half years in
Today, Lesly’s family is together
and happy and whole once more
Lesly’s husband, Leslie (left),
stuck by her through it all
prison, while Candy took a plea of
365 days.
Though Candy was released after
just two weeks, Lesly served
another 10 months.
While she found joy
and purpose minis-
tering to the other
female inmates,
Lesley still battled
in her own demons.
Even after she was
released, she continued
to struggle with guilt and
decided to seek counseling.
Exploring her family tree, Lesly
discovered her grandmother had
also been an enabler, and she began
to see that the only way to break free
of that cycle was to learn to love in a
healthy way—starting with herself.
I have to forgive myself, Lesly
resolved, trying to embrace the
good in herself while focusing on
what she could do to help others.
She also decided not to hide from
her story, but to share it, writing a
memoir about her experience enti-
tled Breaking Co-Dependency.
With her husband and sons by
her side, she returned to school to
earn a doctorate in ministry, spoke
at women’s conferences and became
Lesly, shown here with her sons, has
rebuilt herself, becoming a pastor
and helping others just like her
a resilience coach all while working
as an ordained minister and pastor.
Armed with proof of her rehabilita-
tion, she even applied and had her
license to practice law restored, and
she now focuses on helping people
find second chances.
“Today, my family and I are whole
again!” beams Lesly, who is also a
new grandma. “We can turn our
adversity into opportunity. Forgiving
yourself is the way to true freedom.
You have a choice to fall flat in guilt
or to fall forward in hope. I’m living
proof life can be good again!”
—Diane Nichols
How this opens your heart
When we make mistakes, the guilt
that consumes us is often harder to
overcome than the error itself. But
when we treat ourselves with the
same compassion and forgiveness
that Dr. Lesly Devereaux did, we
discover a powerful truth: We all
make mistakes…and are all worthy of
absolution. What is something you
need to forgive yourself for? Bring
it to mind, and with an outpouring
of love, say, “I forgive myself.” We
promise: Joy is on the other side!
Kindfulness O 55
 anger
Can’t get past rage at someone?
When feeling something like this:
I’ve been wronged by someone and can’t
shake my red-hot anger. Honestly, I don’t
know if I even want to. Feeling this rage
comforts me in some strange way.
Explore the feeling like this: There are
times in every life when we are harmed by
another. Sometimes the person meant to
harm us, and other times the harm was
committed accidentally. Either way, being
wronged triggers a feeling of being out of con-
trol, which in turn fuels rage.
Some people have trouble giving themselves
permission to feel anger—it goes “under-
ground,” reappearing in a different disguise,
such as depression or free-floating anxiety.
Others have a hard time letting go of anger:
They feed it because it helps them feel more in
control and distracts them from the hurt that
lies underneath. They can’t control what
happened, but they can control their rage.
Either approach—pushing anger away or
feeding it—leads to getting stuck in a form
of unhappiness. The key to getting unstuck?
Allowing the feeling to be all that it is—not
holding anything back—and then relaxing
and releasing it so it moves through and away,
like a cloud floating through a summer sky.
How do you increase your tolerance for
uncomfortable emotions like rage? Help is
always available in the form of the loving pres-
ence that surrounds us. You can call on the
Getty (4); Adobe Stock
love you’ll find within awareness but outside
of thought and offer uncomfortable emotions
up to this everywhere love. This love is so vast
that it can both hold difficult emotions and
dispel them so you can be free and at peace.
56 O Kindfulness
Meditation Surrendering difficult
emotions
This meditation helps you tolerate strong emotions until
they subside. There’s space for these emotions to move
through without doing harm.
1
As you close your eyes, sense your breath moving in its
natural rhythm. Now slowly scan through your body, begin-
ning at your head and moving downward, noticing the
sensations. When you find an area of tightness or holding, gently
invite it to release, to soften. Now bring to mind the situation in
which you were wronged that brings up strong feelings of anger.
Play the memory in your mind. With an attitude of curiosity and
kindness, sense the emotion as it registers in your body. Notice
how it’s felt as a constellation of sensations. Gently scan your
throat, chest and belly, naming what you observe—tightness,
heat, pressure, squeezing, pulling, stabbing, tingling. Receive the
experience without judging it or trying to make it different. With a
loving attention, invite the emotion to be all that it is. Let yourself
feel it fully—not resisting it in any way, not holding back any part
of it. Simply allowing. At the level of the body, it may feel like an
intense weather system moving through. Notice how the sensa-
tions arise, stay for a time and then fall away as others arise.
2
Begin to widen the lens of awareness to encompass the
space outside your body. Expand outwardly until you
sense yourself included in the vast space of the outside
world. Sense the ground below, trees, sky, the vast area that sur-
rounds you in all directions. Notice the quality of presence that is
here, an open and loving awareness. There is room here for the
difficult emotion. As you let it play out in its own way, offer it to
the larger space and release it as fully as you are able to. Relax
and release it a little more. Let it dissipate and float away like a
passing storm. Rest in this spacious caring presence that holds all.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Can’t stop hating a group?
When feeling something like this:
I’m furious at the people who are taking more
than they need from those who are truly
struggling. They make an already difficult
life even harder and add nothing good to the
human race. I think we’d be better off without
them, and in my darkest moments, I wish that
they’d be gone forever. I know I shouldn’t feel
this way, but I just…hate them.
Explore the feeling like this: Right now,
people are greatly divided in how they view
important issues that impact both our indi-
vidual and collective lives in society. With so
much uncertainty, fear and conflict, it’s only
natural to be experiencing a greater intensity
of emotion than usual...even to the point of
hating an entire group of people.
And while this hating may feel good in a
certain way—it can restore a sense of power
in a situation in which you generally feel pow-
erless—it ultimately will do you great harm.
The emotion of hatred registers in the body as
a deep kind of tension or contractedness. The
longer hate makes its home in your heart, the
more this contraction will block your access
to the love that’s all around you. It’s as though
your heart becomes a fist rather than an open
hand. You don’t want to do that to yourself.
Why cheat yourself of the loving presence and
joy that is freely available to you?
The way out of this bind is to approach the
hatred you’re harboring with tenderness and
care. You feel the hatred as a way of protecting
yourself and maintaining a sense of control.
That’s understandable. You’re a beautiful
person who deserves those blessings—it’s just
best to get them in another way. You may
want to turn to the message regarding hope-
lessness (page 42) for more insight into this.
Meditation Hold yourself in love
It may seem counterintuitive, but
self-compassion is key in healing feelings of hatred toward
others. It helps us contact our vulnerability, the softness that
lives under the hard emotion of hatred. You can begin with the
“Coming into presence” meditation on page 9, so that you are
deeply relaxed and present in this moment.
1
Sitting quietly, paying a close inward attention, invite
yourself to contact what is making you the most angry,
what you hate the most. Ask yourself, How is this felt in my
body? Move right into where the feelings arise in the body. Really
sense the way that it hurts. Pay attention to the areas of the
throat, chest and belly, where strong emotions are often felt
most easily. Is there a sense of tightness, of pressure, of heat? Of
closing, clenching or throbbing? Continue observing and notice
how the sensations change. Is there a sense of movement, of
shifting? Tears may come—let them flow.
2
Once you’ve contacted the hurt that lies underneath the
anger, you can respond in a caring way. You might want
to reach out to the divine loving presence with whom you
have a relationship and draw in the love that’s freely available to
you. You might want to ask that this contraction, this hatred, be
taken from you and relax into the exchange of love for hate. Feel
as your heart opens and releases what it’s been clenching. Feel
how love and joy and peace are able to flow into your open heart,
taking the place of the hate and washing the remnants away.
If you find it difficult to ask for help from a higher power, try
asking yourself, What does this hurt need? Experiment with dif-
ferent ways of soothing the part of you that is balled up into a fist.
You can use touch, such as placing a hand on your heart or cheek,
resting it there and feeling the warmth. And you can speak to
yourself with comforting words. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much
right now. I’m here and I care about this pain. By approaching hate
with tenderness and love, you disarm it in the loveliest of ways.
story
cure
“One act of love
Nurse Lori Wood was heartbroken when she met a 26-year-old man who needed
a heart transplant but couldn’t get one because he had no one to care for him. So
she ‘adopted’ Jonathan—not only saving his life but changing hers forever!

“I feel blessed to have been able to give him Nurse Lori (right), here with Jonathan after his
the chance at life he deserved!” says Lori, who surgery, took him into her home so he would
“adopted” Jonathan (right) to help him receive have someone to give him post-op care
a lifesaving heart transplant

A s nurse Lori Wood arrived

for her shift at Piedmont
Newnan Hospital in
Newnan, Georgia, a colleague
asked her to take special care of
a young man named Jonathan
Pickard. “His situation is so sad,”
the woman sighed.
Lori agreed, and when she
pulled up his chart, her own heart
instantly dropped.
Jonathan, 26, had been admit-
ted with low blood sugar due to a
medication he was taking. But he
had a much more serious problem:
He’d collapsed at work months ear-
lier with unexpected heart failure.
He’d been put on medication but
ultimately needed a transplant. The
autism, and though high-function-
ing, he needed to have someone
willing to support him through
and after the procedure. Jonathan
had lived with his grandmother,
but after she’d passed away, he was
forced to live in a shelter.
This is so unfair and wrong! Lori
thought, furiously. The system is just
taking advantage of his situation…he
deserves a chance like anyone else!
A life-changing decision
Lori couldn’t get Jonathan out of
her mind as she handed out medica-
tions and comforted other patients
during her shift. On breaks, she
reached out to social service agen-
cies, but sadly, no one had the
Without a heart transplant, he will
die, Lori despaired, as she prayed
to God for a solution. There has to
be someone who can care for him and
help him through this.
And suddenly, she felt a soft
whisper fill her heart. What about
me? I’m a nurse. I could take care of
him. In fact, I’m the perfect person to
care for him.
During her 35-year career, Lori
was known for going the extra mile
for her patients. Still, “adopting”
a patient was a big move even for
her. But it just felt right. She had
the space. A divorced single mom,
only one of her three sons was still
living at home, and she had moved
to a farm years earlier, fulfilling her
Getty (5)

problem was, he couldn’t be put on resources to provide the level of care dream of raising animals. And see-
the list for a donor because he has Jonathan was going to require. ing Jonathan alone and so scared…

58 O Kindfulness
can do great good!”
I know what I need to do, Lori
thought with steely determina-
tion. And she told Jonathan’s case
worker, “I want to take him home.”

A new beginning
While Lori began the process
to become his legal guardian,
Jonathan was cleared for discharge,
and at the end of December 2018,
he moved in with her. He immedi-
ately settled on the couch beside her
21-year-old son, Austin, and asked
if they could watch Family Feud,
Lori’s favorite show. We are going to
get along just fine, Lori smiled.
In the days that followed, Lori
came to realize that Jonathan
needed help beyond medical care.
Living with his grandmother, he Recovered and healthy, Jonathan (left) now lives with Lori on her
had been loved and cared for, but he farm—and though he will eventually move out on his own, Lori says
had never had the chance to learn there’s no rush. “He’s a part of our big family now!”
the basic skills he would need to live
independently. So Lori gave him grateful tears and hugged her is right,” she says. “I feel blessed
some cooking lessons and taught tightly to him. to have been able to give him the
him to do laundry and manage his Jonathan had his transplant last chance he deserved.”
money on his own. August; the surgery went —Patti Zarling
“Thank you, Mama,” well, and, with Lori’s lov-
he would say, deeply ing care, he has made
touching Lori’s heart “When God a full recovery. How this opens your heart
each time. speaks to your This past It’s easy to become angry,
Finally, in May December, he disillusioned and hateful toward
heart, you know
2019, with Lori returned to his systems and groups of people
declared his legal what the right office clerk job and who seem to do harm to others.
guardian, Jonathan thing to do is!” will soon be well But reading Lori’s story, it’s
was placed on the list enough to move out clear to see that these systems
to receive a new heart. on his own…but Lori and groups aren’t what make
But by then, his health had says there is no reason for the world work: love is.
declined so dramatically that he him to leave until he’s fully ready. When we quiet down and
had to be admitted to the hospital. “He’s part of our family now,” she
listen for the murmurs of love
As weeks passed, Lori visited insists with a smile.
deep in our hearts prompting
every day. “Stay strong. You’re Jonathan beams. “She not only
going to get your heart,” she’d tell saved me—she treats me like one of us to open ourselves to others
Jonathan. And, in late July, just her sons. I am truly thankful.” in their time of greatest need,
days after celebrating his 27th Lori smiles but says she was just we are no longer just cogs in the
birthday… doing what she knew deep down wheel of life—we are the wheels,
“You’re getting a heart!” Lori she was meant to do. “When God guiding others, and ourselves,
cried, as Jonathan burst into speaks to your heart, you know it safely home.

Kindfulness O 59
 anger
Fed up with restrictions?
When feeling something like this:
I don’t want anyone to tell me what I
can and can’t do. I’ve worked hard
for everything I have, so I deserve to
choose how to live my own life.
I won’t be caged by a prison of
someone else’s making.
Explore the feeling like this: When
the world feels uncertain, we reach for
whatever we can to feel more in control.
A simple and direct way of reasserting a
sense of control is to break free of rules.
In many cases, this rule-breaking can
indeed be liberating, energizing and
freeing. It’s often just what the doctor
ordered to shake us out of routine and
feelings of being trapped.
And yet, if we become stuck in
breaking rules—if our identity
becomes rooted in defiance—we will
find ourselves coming into opposition
with our loved ones, our neighbors,
our coworkers and our fellow citizens.
A rule-breaking stance that becomes a
complete and total way of life will end
up threatening the bonds with others
that fill our heart and sustain us.
How will we know when insistence
on freedom has gone too far? When we
find ourselves in a state of daily anger
and repeatedly coming into conflict
with others in a way that threatens our
relationships, then we know that we’ve
become stuck in a pattern that is doing
us harm. Our very insistence on free-
dom is becoming its own kind of cage,
locking us away from the love—and
even the very freedom—that we seek.
The way out of the cage of seeking
freedom at any cost is to look within
and explore the hurt that underlies the
angry defiance. Once we bring tender-
ness to that place of hurt, we’ll find
that our need to defy rules gives way to
a balance between going our own way
and traveling in the company of others.
60 O Kindfulness
Meditation Planting seeds of joy
This tender practice involves looking
into your own mind and heart for a sense of your higher purpose.
The spirit we bring to the world—be it of anger and hate, or kindness,
generosity, acceptance and joy—determines what returns to us.
1
Allow yourself to take some quiet moments in a spot where
you won’t be interrupted. Sit comfortably and gently close
your eyes. Sense your whole body resting and take three deep
breaths, relaxing more with each slow exhale. Then let your breath-
ing settle into its natural rhythm. Notice the sensations of breathing,
how the breath feels in your body, where it is most noticeable to you.
You may feel air flowing at your upper lip and nostrils, or as swirl-
ing at the back of the throat, or as a rising and falling at your chest
or belly. Let the sensations of breathing anchor you to the present
moment. And now gently shift your attention to slowly scan through
your entire body, beginning at the head and moving down to your
feet, noticing any areas of tightness. If you encounter any areas of
tension, like in the jaw, neck, shoulders or hands, imagine the tension
slowly melting away. Everything softening. Relaxing.
2
Now bring to mind the situation that brings up feelings of
rebellion and anger in you. Listen inwardly to understand
what is happening at a deeper level. What part of this rebel-
lion is yours, and what part of it is due to a larger current that is
flowing through you? Is this a helpful current or a harmful one? What
part of it do you want to be yours? It’s with the qualities of our mind
and our heart that we determine what we get back from the world.
The seeds that we plant are the ones that will grow. What seeds
are you planting? What is your best or highest intention in this situ-
ation? See if you can intentionally turn your attention in that very
direction. Perhaps you long for greater wisdom to come to you. An
understanding of your own deep worth. A sense of connection to
others. An openness to feeling loved. Whatever it is, the seeds can
be planted, and this intention can be watered and developed in you.
3
Remember that the other seeds that are growing in your
heart (anger, fear, hate and rebellion) can be left alone. When
left unwatered, they will wither. This is the beauty of being
human. No matter what your circumstances are, you can shape your
life, your destiny, your experience of the world by simply sensing
Getty (3)
your greater intention and allowing the love in you, the very best
parts of yourself, to grow and to flower.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
“Only from the heart can
you touch the sky”
—Rumi
Getty
 fear
In moments when you feel lost, afraid
and uncertain, use this heartfelt guide to
soothe your anxiety and lead you out of the
darkness and back into the light
 fear

What kind of fear

Do you think Is the
START of yourself uncertainty in
as bad, the world the
unworthy or NO main source NO
unlovable? of your fear?

YES
YES

Are you feeling Are you

restless? easily
Turn to YES
distracted?
page 75

Turn to
NO NO page 82
YES
NO

Do you feel
Do you feel numb or
unsafe or apathetic?
Turn to vulnerable?
page 78 YES

NO
YES Turn to
page 74
Search
Turn to for other
page 79 feelings on
page 24

64 O Kindfulness
are you feeling now?
There can be times when it’s hard to know
exactly what you’re feeling. For those
Are you afraid times, simple questions can lead you to
something bad pinpoint what’s underlying your unease.
may happen Just follow along on this flowchart to
to you? arrive at your best fear antidote

NO

YES Search
for other
feelings on
page 24

Are you
worried Turn to
about YES
page 67
money?

Turn to
NO YES page 71

Turn to
page 66
Are you afraid
you or a loved one
will become ill? YES

Are you scared

NO of losing a NO
relationship?
 fear
Avoiding
conflict?
When feeling something like this:
I’m terrified that someone I hold dear will
stop loving me because of a disagreement,
so I’m constantly holding my tongue and
walking on eggshells. It’s exhausting.
Explore the feeling like this: For many of
us, relationships bring life’s greatest joys and
sorrows. Though they may be enduring and
strong, relationships are also vulnerable and
fragile. A difficult life circumstance or even a
small misjudgment can create a break. You see
how delicate are the threads that bind you in a
relationship, and you take a protective stance
by avoiding conflict. This is understandable.
But you must also remember there are deep
wells of inner strength in you and in others.
Rather than taking the stance that seeks to
control what happens, why not let this fragil-
ity inspire you to go deeper, to forge a stronger
connection with the ones you love? Let your
vulnerability inspire you to act more authenti-
cally and nurture what matters to you.
So often we are looking ahead and contem-
plating possible outcomes, not having a sense
that we already rest in a timeless and eternal
space. In truth, we tend to be unfamiliar with
contentment as an experience. It is certainly
not what our culture encourages or sells. But
you can open yourself to seeing the signals in
your life. Open to the moments of content-
ment that are so easily overlooked when we’re
busy worrying. Appreciate and care for the
ones you love from a place of depth and truth.
Bring freshness by speaking to what mat-
Getty (5)
ters. Get to the heart of things while forging a
deeper connection with your own heart.
66 O Kindfulness
Meditation Sharing a loving space
Here are two practices, one for
you alone and the other with a partner, that can help ease
fear and strengthen your relationships.
1
There are many moments that have the “taste” of content-
ment, but the habit most people have is to steamroller
over them. When alone, you can begin to recognize small
moments of joy and ease you feel throughout your day, where
there is no grasping or resisting. You can learn to bring full
attention to these moments and sense the quiet joy that is avail-
able—in the feel of a breeze on your face, the sound of birdsong
or a well-timed word of kindness. You might sense content-
ment as you lie in bed just before falling sleep. You may find it in
moments of chopping vegetables or gardening, or in sharing a
hug. Return to these moments of wholeness and ease often so
that contentment starts to become a familiar feeling.
2
The partner exercise invites you to come together in a way
that deepens your connection. One person begins as the
speaker, the other as the listener. The speaker shares for
3 minutes while the listener is quiet and receptive. The question
for reflection is simply: What do you love? After each share, the
listener offers a nod or “thank you,” and sharing continues. The
listener signals the end of the time, and partners switch roles.
When sharing your reflection on what you love, be specific
and speak from your heart. Naming and sharing it will help you
turn toward and truly savor what you love. Everything you love is
a part of you, and this is shared with the one dear to you. As you
listen to them, let yourself feel the vulnerability, the delicacy of
their feelings, the pain of what they could lose. Let this knowing
open your heart to them in a way that is grounded in truth.
At the end of the exchange, remind yourselves to stay in the
shared space for a time and sense the feelings in your body and
heart. Let go of the specifics and sense the loving awareness
between you. Sharing what you love connects you more deeply
and can buffer the moments of disagreement. It’s a reminder
there’s a beautiful space of love and caring that you share.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Financial worries?
When feeling something like this: I’m afraid that I won’t have enough
money to pay my bills and sustain my family. There’s a little income
coming in, but not enough. I’m constantly terrified of losing everything.

Explore the feeling like this:
Thinking about the future is a natu-
ral activity of the mind. It may offer
you a sense of stability, as though
thinking things through can give
you some control over what happens.
In truth, worrying doesn’t offer any
real security; it only generates more
worry. Your mind has been working
on your financial problems, envi-
sioning and replaying frightening
outcomes. This repeating of negative
future scenarios has the unfortunate
effect of strengthening fear pathways
in your brain and leaves you feeling
more anxious and overwhelmed.
But you have the capacity to
respond in a different way. In those
moments of being seized by anxious
thoughts, see them for what they are:
simply thoughts. Rather than believ-
ing them and allowing them to fuel a
greater sense of fear, you can learn to
step outside of them by shifting your
attention out of your head and into
your body. “Grounding” yourself in
the body this way allows you to calm
your mind in times that overwhelm.

Meditation Grounded in peace

These practices help you relax into a sense of
groundedness when fearful or anxious thoughts arise.

1
Gently scan through your body, as though you’re shining a light on spe-
cific areas. Slowly move downward from the head/face, to neck/shoul-
ders, arms/hands, chest/torso, pelvic area, upper legs, lower legs and
feet. Sense where there are areas of tightness and gently invite expansion and
release of the tension. Softening. Relaxing. You can bring your attention to the
sensations you feel at the points of contact with the furniture that is holding
you, or the sensations of your feet contacting the ground. You can bring in the
sense of touch, comforting yourself by resting a hand on your heart or your
belly for a few minutes. Relax deeply into these sensations.

2
You can also speak to yourself using comforting words like, “This is hard,
but I’m here and I care.” If you are visually oriented, you can develop an
image in the mind that helps you to feel grounded, such as the face of
someone who is dear to you, the sound of their voice or a place in nature where
you feel safe, imagining the sights, sounds and smells there. You may call to
mind the image of a wise being, one who has given you strength and hope dur-
ing difficult circumstances. You might imagine a message of care coming from
this one to help you. The more detail you can imagine, the better. You want to
sense how it feels in the body to be held and supported in these ways. Sense
your body held by the ground, releasing tension and expanding, your heart held
in the warmth of your touch and words, or with comfort.
Try to do at least one of these practices daily to help strengthen the healing
pathways in the mind and build resilience during inevitable moments of fear.
story
cure
“We turn hardships
When financial woes left Don Liimatainen struggling to afford Christmas gifts for
his son, loved ones showed up and saved the day. Touched, Don made it his mission
to help families going through hard times and has since brought hope to hundreds!

A fter tucking in his 3-year-old son, Hewitt, on

Christmas Eve 2010, Don Liimatainen paused half-
way down the stairs and gazed at the empty space
under the Christmas tree in his living room. The Esko,
Minnesota, single dad had been having health issues and
had been unable to hold down a full-time job—and this
year, he feared there would be no money for gifts.
Don’s chest felt hollow. This is the worst Christmas ever,
he thought, tears welling in his eyes.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
“Merry Christmas!” Don’s mom, stepfather and
grandmother exclaimed, their arms laden with presents.
Hewitt would have a merry Christmas after all, and
what’s more, the empty place in Don’s chest was now
ablaze with a fire of hope.
This turned out to be the BEST Christmas ever, Don
smiled as he watched Hewitt excitedly open gifts the next
morning. Next year, I’ ll be on the giving end, Don vowed.

Making dreams come true

“It feels wonderful to be
able to spread joy and
hope,” says Don (right) with
co-founder Jason
Thanks to Don and his ever-growing band of
holiday elves, this year, over 250 families just
As the new year unfolded, Don’s health improved, and he
was able to go back to work. But his desire to pay the love
forward never wavered. When Christmas 2011 neared,
he told his best friend, Jason Kunz, “I’m going to give
another struggling dad the best Christmas ever.”
“Whatever you need, I’ll help,” Jason told Don.
The two raised $700 from friends and family. Then,
with the help of a local radio station, they found another
dad who was having health and money problems, and a
few days before Christmas, Don and Jason surprised the
family with a lavish turkey dinner and armfuls of toys and
gifts for their children.
“How can I ever thank you?” the dad choked as his
children squealed with excitement. Don’s heart swelled
with so much joy that he decided then and there, I want
to do this for even more families. Jason shared his enthusi-
asm, and together they founded “Best Christmas Ever”
(BCEMovement.org).
As word of their mission spread, more and more
people signed on to help. Don organized volunteers into
groups with captains and created a process so people
Getty (6)

like this one will receive gifts and money to could nominate families in need in their communities
have their very own Best Christmas Ever for a Best Christmas Ever (BCE) of their own.

68 O Kindfulness
into holiday joy!”
He held fundraisers
so they could offer even
more help, and along
with clothes and toys,
they also started giving
families necessities like
new furnaces and roofs.
Others were even helped
out from under a moun-
tain of medical debt.
This is better than I ever
imagined, Don thought.

Rekindling spirits
Amy Basaraba shared
Don’s feeling. She and her BCE recipients struggle with but each gift, donation and
husband, Troy, had just bought a everything from illness to gesture of love brings much-
house when Troy suffered a fatal financial difficulties… needed Christmas joy
heart attack. Somehow, Amy and
her 7-year-old twins, Landon and International Falls, Minnesota, she “I believe I was called by God,”
Lauren, made it through the next started a BCE chapter there. Her says Don. “That feeling of hopeless-
several months, but as Christmas twins loved helping her shop and ness and fear that turned into joy—
approached, a heavy sadness fell wrap gifts for an older couple who He planted that seed, then gave me
over the household. had first fostered and then adopted the chance to watch it grow.”
Then, a few days before the four siblings. —Bill Holton
holiday, a dozen carloads “Christmas is an exciting
of friends and well- time for my children
How this opens your heart
wishers, laden heavy “God planted again,” Amy says. “A
Financial problems can leave our
with gifts, showed mom couldn’t ask
up on her doorstep, that seed of for a greater gift heart feeling locked in a cage
led by her friend, giving in my than that!” of fear and anxiety, grasping to
Jolene Lust. heart, then gave And many vol- keep a tight hold of whatever
“But there are so unteers enlist their possessions we have. But as
many other people
me the chance to own children to Don’s story shows, the opposite
more needy than we watch it grow” help with the cause. response often holds the key to
are,” Amy said. Michelle Weinmann our freedom: Opening our hands
“You deserve a Best says it’s been eye-opening and giving. It doesn’t matter
Christmas Ever just as much as for her two children, Isabella what you give (money, time,
anyone,” Jolene insisted, and soon, and Bentley. “They had never belongings, care) or how much,
the twins were oohing over their experienced shopping for things to it’s the act of giving that instantly
new telescope, while Amy pictured give away and the joy it can bring
releases you from that prison of
the new kitchen floor she’d get with to so many hearts.”
worry and opens your heart to
her $1,000 gift card. With chapters in eight states
For Amy, even more than the and several other countries, this an endless abundance of love.
gifts, it was the love and sup- year, Best Christmas Ever will be You may want to write down
port that meant the most, and delivering joy and security to more three simple ways you can give
months later when she decided to than 250 families, spending up to to someone today…and see just
move back to her hometown of $10,000 on each. how free you feel!

Kindfulness O 69
fear

“Gratitude is the
antidote to fear”
—Robin S. Sharma

Getty (3)
Helpless and alone?
When feeling something like this:
I’m so afraid that I will become ill and
end up helpless and alone. Even worse,
what if someone I love falls ill? I know
I have no control over who gets sick or
who recovers…and that uncertainty
makes it all so much more scary.
Explore the feeling like this:
Every person will face sickness, loss and
the end of life, and it cannot be con-
trolled or even known. The fear of loss
you describe is the energy of life trying
to protect itself. This fear tells of some-
thing valuable that needs protection—
your health, your autonomy, your
loved ones. It’s important to name and
acknowledge this, but the vital question
is: How are you holding and relating to
your fear?
You can’t control the inevitable
losses. You can only control how you
live your moments. You can stay locked
in fear or meet what you’re given with
a deep sense of appreciation, a spirit of
gratitude. Gratitude opens the heart
to a divine, loving presence that is so
much greater than fear. It allows you to
care for what’s before you knowing it’s
temporary, not with sorrow but with
the understanding of how precious it is.
Generosity is the expression of grati-
tude. While the heart may be tentative
about giving at first, the more you give,
the more your heart opens and the less
afraid you become. You can delight
in good times, even knowing they are
temporary. You can develop a heart
that’s happy when others are happy—
there are so many more opportunities to
be happy when you celebrate in the joy
of others! Becoming open and generous
in this way brings a fullness of delight.
It only takes a breath to look around
and see with new eyes, to open to the
greater love that flows through you, to
awaken a spirit of gratitude and to live
in a different way…courageously.
Meditation Spirit of gratitude
Here are small ways to open your heart
to deep gratitude as a refuge from fear. For each, you can begin with
the “Coming into presence” meditation on page 9.
1
Simple appreciation: Ask: What am I grateful for? Open to that
goodness. Appreciate the bounty. In relationships, embrace your
power to give love with your words or small gestures of care. This
lifts you up. Be generous to yourself as well. Surround yourself with as
much beauty as possible, as this helps to soothe and calm fears.
2
Body-centered reflection: Remember a time when you were
afraid to be generous, when you were fearful, clinging or stingy
in some way. Sense how the memory registers in your body.
There may be sensations of tightness or holding. Now, reflect on a time
when you were generous to another. Play the scene in your mind
and notice the sensations of delight, the joy in it. Rest in that bliss.
3
Visualization: Close your eyes and sense the presence of some-
one you are connected with who has been very generous to
you. Sense how it feels to remember that spirit of giving. Hold
an image of their face in your mind. Softly whisper their name and the
words Thank you. Sense them receiving and notice how this feels, taking
some moments to fully feel this love in your body.
4
Follow your impulse to give: Find a partner and connect briefly
each day to share what you feel grateful for. This helps you tune
into the blessings in your life. When you have the idea of doing
something generous, share it, go for it. Don’t hold back or overthink.
The impulse to be generous comes from the depth of your being.
5
Open yourself to abundance: Consider that in this very moment,
people are falling in love. Babies are being born and anniversa-
ries celebrated. People are reconciling and reuniting. They are
healing from sickness. Hard work is coming to fruition. People are hav-
ing their dreams realized. Revel in their joy, let it multiply in your heart.
6
Gratitude walk: Allow yourself to be nourished by a walk in
nature. Notice what you are grateful for and name it as you
walk. Warmth from the sun. Solidity of the ground. Water that
refreshes. Wind that moves the air, carrying the breath that we share.
Life-giving presence of plants. Vast openness of sky. Appreciate and
greet what you see, sensing it with an open heart.
Kindfulness O 71
story
cure
“A miracle saved
Cystic fibrosis left Tammy Griffin in need of a lung and heart transplant, but in a rare
‘domino procedure,’ her healthy heart went on to save another life!
S ettling into her airplane
seat, 51-year-old Tammy
Griffin’s heart flooded with
excitement. I can’t believe this is
finally happening, the Portland,
Oregon, native thought, adjusting
Before her domino transplant
surgery, Tammy, shown here in
2015, was on permanent oxygen
due to cystic fibrosis
72 O Kindfulness
her oxygen tank beside her. Tammy
had been diagnosed with cystic
fibrosis at 9 months old, but now,
her lungs had gotten so bad that she
used oxygen constantly and barely
had the energy to shower.
Feeling helpless, Tammy didn’t
know where to turn until a call
came in from Stanford University
Hospital in California that changed
everything. After two years of being
on the list for a lung transplant,
they’d found a donor. But as the
plane took off, Tammy’s mind
swam with anxious anticipation…
she wasn’t just about to get her sec-
ond chance at life—she was about
to save another’s life too.
A few months earlier, Tammy’s
doctor had given her unexpected
news. “Your right lung has shrunk
in size due to infection,” he’d
“Hearing my heart beat inside
Linda was an amazing thing,”
marvels Tammy (right), shown
here doing just that!
explained. “To compensate, the left
lung has expanded, pushing your
heart up toward your shoulder—we
can’t perform a traditional lung
transplant with your heart in this
position, unfortunately.”
Tammy would need to undergo
a much riskier lung and heart trans-
plant. Terror gripped her, but she
trusted her doctors.
“I’ll do the surgery,” she told
her husband, Jim. “But my heart is
healthy—I don’t want to just throw
it away!”
In a flash, the organ in question
Norbert von der Groeben; Getty (4)
started to pump quickly as Tammy
had an idea. “I want to donate
it!” she excitedly told her family.
“Maybe my heart could save some-
one else’s life!”
Her doctor at Stanford agreed
it was a great idea, explaining they
both of our lives!”
could try a “domino transplant,”
which meant as soon as Tammy’s
donor became available, her healthy
heart would go to the next person
on the heart transplant list who was
the right match.
And on February 1, 2016, doc-
tors finally performed the surgery
by removing Tammy’s lungs and
heart and replacing them with a set
from a recently deceased donor.
When she awoke hours later,
there were only questions on
Tammy’s mind: Where did my
heart end up? Did the procedure
work? Did it give someone the second
chance at life that I just got?
Two hearts transformed
A few days later, Tammy
overheard nurses whis-
pering about her in the
halls of the intensive “I feel blessed to
care unit. “A dom- have been able
ino transplant,” one
said. “She donated
to help
enjoy
her own heart.”
“That’s incred- it truly is a
ible!” another
miracle!”
responded.
“You know what’s even
more amazing? Her heart could
have been matched with anyone in
the country…but the woman who
got it is right here in this hospital!”
Tammy could hardly believe her
ears. “Is it true?” she later asked
her doctor. “Yes,” he said, smiling.
“Would you like to meet her?”
“Very much,” Tammy said.
After six weeks of recupera-
tion, Tammy’s doctor brought
her to the cardiac unit to meet
Linda, a woman who’d had a
congenital heart defect and had
received Tammy’s heart. When
the two women saw each other,
they embraced, tears
running down their
cheeks. Someone saved
my life, and I got to
save Linda’s in return,
Tammy thought.
“Usually, it takes
an organ some time
to work properly
after it has been
transplanted,” the
doctor explained,
holding out a
stethoscope to
Tammy. “But in
this case, your heart
started right up…
like it was meant to
be there all along.” Today, Tammy is healthy and forever
And as Tammy heard grateful to her donor for giving her
the steady thump of her more years with her family
own heart in Linda’s
chest, she was over-
whelmed with a
joy and gratitude
someone unlike anything
How it opens your heart
life again… Health struggles come in all
she’d ever known.
shapes and sizes, but the fear
Today, Tammy
is breathing better and anxiety they strike into
our hearts is something that
than ever and enjoy-
ing a full life with her everyone can relate to. In the
family. No longer tethered to face of a serious diagnosis like
an oxygen tank, she walks for miles Tammy’s, it would be easy to
each day with her dogs and even lose hope and feel helpless. But
accompanies Jim on long hikes and as Tammy’s story demonstrates,
wonderful new adventures. if we keep our hearts and eyes
Tammy and Linda still keep in open with gratitude, unexpected
touch, exchanging stories of how miracles can find their way into
their lives have beautifully trans- our lives. They might not be
formed after surgery.
exactly what we were hoping or
“My heart beats on in someone
praying for—at times, they may
else’s body—and I’m still alive,”
Tammy laughs. “That’s not some- even seem to make the situation
thing everyone can say! I am so worse—but when we live in open-
grateful and feel so blessed to have hearted expectation of wonderful
been part of such a miracle!” surprises, we’re sure to get them.
—Alexandra Pollock
Kindfulness O 73
 fear
Afraid of
suffering?
When feeling something like this: After
months of feeling overwhelmed and worried,
I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t feel
anxious, but I don’t feel joyful either. I just
feel numb, which I’m beginning to believe is
better than constant fear and suffering.
Explore the feeling like this: When stressful
aspects of life bring forth difficult feelings, you
may go into a state of suppressing and avoiding
all feelings. Many people learn early on—from
our families, our schooling and, later, the
workplace—to see strong emotions as unac-
ceptable. It’s common to avoid or suppress dif-
ficult feelings, but this has consequences.
When you close yourself off to feelings,
there’s a corresponding tightening in the body,
which cuts you off from the wholeness of your
being. When you become disconnected from
your inner experience, it’s difficult to connect
with others in a deep way. There comes a pain-
ful sense of separation in which feeling cared
about and feeling care for others are hard to
access. This makes it difficult for you to receive
the nurturing care needed to bring healing.
With practice, you can learn to become
more conscious and aware of your feelings in
a spacious, accepting way. You can begin to
know your own vulnerability, to cultivate it,
and to develop a sense of trust in your feelings
and what they have to tell you. When you’re
able to stay with a difficult emotion, you can
begin to sense your own brokenness and let it
break you open to something deeper. When
you understand feelings in a deeper way, it
brings a new vibrancy in relating to others.
74 O Kindfulness
Meditation Naming your feelings
This calming meditation helps you
become present to your feelings, allowing them all the space
and care they need to be whatever they are going to be.
1
Find a comfortable position where you feel relaxed, eyes
closed or gazing gently downward. Take a few slow, deeper
breaths to gather your attention, then allow the breath to
settle into its natural rhythm. Sense your body as a whole, rest-
ing here in this moment. Notice any strong physical sensations
in your body, observing them closely, allowing them to unfold
and change over time. Sense whatever feeling is present in this
moment. It may be very subtle, or it may be strong. There may be
a feeling of worry, of trying to control things. Or confusion, or a
sense of liking or disliking. There may be strong fear, sadness or
annoyance. Or numbness. That’s a feeling too. Just resting with
what is here, letting it unfold. Sensations in the body. Allow them
all the space they need to be all they are going to be.
2
Now describe the experience in a word or two. Sensations
of heat, pressure, tingling. Feelings of sadness, longing or
fear. Notice if there is a wanting for the experience to stay,
or to go away. Simply welcome whatever is here. You are not try-
ing to control anything. Not trying to change what’s happening.
Not trying to get rid of anything in your experience. Just letting
feelings unfold in their own way. They may dissolve and release,
or they may change in some other way. You can stay present to
one feeling at a time. Notice if more feelings come, knowing you
can return to them at a later time. You are not analyzing or try-
ing to solve anything. Just staying present to what’s happening
in a simple way, heart open. Sensing the feelings from within the
body. Being present for your feelings in a compassionate way.
Resting back into the spaciousness of your awareness. Letting
any patterns of sensation and feeling unwind and be released
Getty (4); Adobe Stock
into the spaciousness. Opening to a deeper calm that is avail-
able when feelings are trusted and allowed to settle themselves
in their own way. Repeat this meditation when you are feeling
numb to help you learn to better identify and trust your feelings.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Feeling unworthy?
When feeling something like this: I often think that if I do everything
perfectly, people will like me more…love me more. I know this isn’t true,
yet I try, try, try, and I still feel like a failure. I’m afraid I’ll never be enough.

Explore the feeling like this:
Human survival rests on the fun-
damental need to be cared for. We
enter the world as helpless infants
overwhelmed by bodily needs and
fully dependent on others. We seek
comfort and connection outside
ourselves, and how others respond
over time shapes our beliefs about
ourselves. We develop strategies to
maintain that sense of connection,
but strategies of trying to be “good”
or “perfect” do not satisfy the deep
longing for acceptance and love.
The root of the problem is a fun-
damental error in thinking—one
that is widely held in our society. The
error is to believe that the love you
seek is something that you have to
get or grab on to or earn by meeting
some standard of perfection. This
perspective is flawed because it places
limits on love. Love is an unlimited
resource, and it is wholly renewable.
The loving qualities you are seeking
in others live within your own deeper
awareness and can be accessed and
brought forth to soothe your fears.

Meditation Tap a well of love

You can develop a deeper connection to an
endless well of love with this simple practice. You may want to begin with the
“Coming into presence” meditation on page 9 to feel more relaxed and open.

1
Sit in a comfortable way with your eyes gazing gently downward and
begin to notice your breathing. Deepen your breathing a little so that you
can feel your abdomen expanding and contracting with each breath. Take
some time to settle into a place of calm. Now bring to your mind a time when
you felt deeply cared for. This could be a time in your current life or in the past. It
could be an experience in prayer. Or it could be an experience with a loved one
or a beloved pet. Bring this alive in your mind and body right now by immers-
ing yourself in the felt sense of the experience, this place of deeply felt care, as
though it is happening right now. You are being seen as deeply worthy. You are
being loved completely, all of you, without conditions. Allow yourself to rest in
these moments of feeling seen and held within a loving presence.

2
Notice the experience that is unfolding in your body and mind right now.
There may be a sense of warmth, well-being, tenderness, reverence,
grace or a spacious acceptance. Describe your experience of feeling
deeply cared for in a word or two. This helps you to become familiar with these
loving qualities within you, held deep within your heart. Subtle ways of resisting
the experience may arise, such as distracting thoughts, sleepiness or doubts.
Simply hold these experiences from that place of care, allowing them to be
present with a spirit of gentleness. If you lose the feeling of the loving qualities,
recall that time of feeling deeply cared for as though it was happening right
now. Allow yourself to sense it fully. Rest in this sense of felt care.
story
cure
“A simple smile can
When 18-year-old Rachael Blatnik went into labor, she arrived at the hospital feeling
overwhelmed, scared, alone and unworthy. But one nurse’s kind smile and support
gave her courage—and began a ripple effect of love that spread for years to come!
“Her kindness gave me new
life!” says Rachael (left) of
nurse Tracy (center), who
was there when she had her
daughter, Taylor (right)
R achael Blatnik stared
down at the tile floor in
the Providence Portland
Medical Center, her face burning
with embarrassment. The 18-year-
old had just graduated from high
school, but instead of heading off to
college to play basketball, as she’d
always dreamed, she was about to
give birth to her first baby.
Since learning that she was preg-
nant, the Portland, Oregon, teen
had been filled with shame and
fear, intensified by the averted or
judgmental gazes of classmates and
adults alike. As much as she loved
her baby, Rachael couldn’t help but
worry that her life was over.
As contractions set in and her
new husband and father of her baby,
21-year-old Larry, took her hand,
a voice suddenly broke through
76 O Kindfulness
Rachael’s reverie. “I’m the nurse
who will be watching over you.”
Rachael glanced up uneasily,
when suddenly, her heart surged:
The blond nurse standing in front
of her was looking straight into her
eyes…and smiling.
It’s been a long time since someone
has looked at me like I mattered,
Rachael thought, realizing just how
unworthy these past months had
made her feel. This woman’s com-
passionate gaze made her feel loved
and safe. It’s like she actually sees me,
Rachael marveled.
In that moment, Rachael realized
she was still the same bright young
woman she’d always been. And as
the kind nurse helped her welcome
her baby girl, Taylor, into the world,
Rachael’s heart filled with hope she
hadn’t felt in months.
Rachael, shown here with
her daughter in 1999, was
inspired by her experience with
nurse Tracy to finish school
This isn’t the end, Rachael smiled.
It’s the beginning of a new life—for
my baby and for me.
A beautiful new purpose
Days later, a joyful Rachael took
her newborn baby home for the first
time. And as she watched Taylor
grow, a new purpose took hold in
her life. I want to give others the care
and dignity that my nurse gave to me,
she resolved. And with a surge of
joy, Rachael decided to become a
nurse herself.
It wasn’t easy being a mom
and going to school at night, but
Rachael refused to give up. I really
should find that nurse and thank
her, Rachael would think during
her night classes. But immediately,
Getty (6)
reality would take hold…I can’t
even remember her name.
change everything!”
As the years passed, Rachael A heartfelt reunion
worked as a medic and got her nurs- When hospital administrators
ing degree in 2011. responded to Rachael’s post, they
“You’re going to be okay,” she’d said that although Tracy had left
soothe patients, treating each Providence, they wanted to
one with the same respect help facilitate a reunion.
and love she had been And this past sum-
shown herself that “We all have mer, Rachael, Tracy
fateful day. Then and Taylor met once
one day, a patient the potential again, in the very
asked her why she to be a light in hospital where their
had decided to somebody’s life!” lives had intersected
become a nurse. all those year ago.
“Because of a nurse
says Rachael “I’ve wanted to
who helped me once,” thank you for 20 years,”
Rachael said with a smile. Rachael said, tears fall-
“She changed my life with her ing as she hugged Tracy. “You
kindness, and now my daughter, gave me the confidence to be a great Taylor is now studying to be a
Taylor, is about to start training to mom and a nurse. And now Taylor, nurse like her mom and the nurse
become a nurse too!” who you helped deliver, is going to that changed their lives
Rachael’s heart swelled as be a nurse too!” Then Rachael gave
she realized, This one woman’s Tracy a bracelet with an image of
kind act has affected generations, an EKG heartbeat. “Your kindness Touching lives is something
and a renewed fervor to find the gave me new life,” she beamed. everyone has the power to do,
nurse took hold. Pulling up the Tracy smiled. “I don’t feel like I Rachael says. “We all have the
Providence Portland Medical did anything special,” she admit- potential to be a light in somebody’s
Center Facebook page, she began to ted. “But to know I made a posi- life,” Rachael beams. “Whether
write a post, and miraculously the tive impact on your life, and that you’re a nurse or just in line at the
name she’d been trying to remem- because of that, you and Taylor will store, look at someone and smile—
ber for almost two decades popped go on to touch other lives…it’s just it just might change a life!”
into her head: Tracy Stevens. incredible!” —Alexandra Pollock

How this opens your heart

Rachael carried on Tracy’s legacy
by becoming a nurse in 2011
Many of us secretly struggle with feelings of unworthiness and the belief
that we are fundamentally flawed and unlovable. In a society where we’re
bombarded with everyone’s “highlight reel” on social media, it’s easy to find
ourselves lacking, caught in an if/then cycle of self-worth: “If I hadn’t done
that” or “If I were more beautiful, thinner, smarter, more successful…then
people would finally love me.”
But as Rachael’s story shows, each and every one of us is worthy of love
and respect just as we are, flaws and all. In fact, our flaws are what make us
beautiful—because they are what make us human and what connect us to one
another! And when we reach out to others with unconditional love, especially
in moments where their flaws are on display, we drive that belief home that
we, too, are worthy of that love and compassion. Take a moment today to
reach out to someone who seems low—even a kind smile to a stranger will do.
You may just begin your own ripple effect of love!

Kindfulness O 77
 fear
Restless and uncertain?
When feeling something like this:
I feel stuck in this awful limbo with no
sense of direction. There doesn’t seem to
be anything I can hold on to for a sense of
security. I feel like I have no control over my
life, and I’m afraid of how it will play out.
I’m jumpy and antsy. I just don’t know how
to be or what to do. I find myself jumping
from task to task. I only know that I want
things to be different than how they are
right now.
Explore the feeling like this: A strong
desire to recover a sense of control is under-
standable. You are responding in a very
human way to your circumstances. When
we face difficulty, our physical body registers
distress and our mind starts working over-
time to try to find an escape route. When
there’s no clear path to a sense of relief, the
mental and physical discomfort can become
almost unbearable.
But challenging times like these can
remind us of the deeper truths of life that we
don’t easily see during ordinary times. When
life moves according to its usual patterns, it
is easy to fall into a false sense of certainty
about things, believing ourselves to have
a kind of control over things—but that is
more of an illusion than the truth.
In times of restlessness, we have a unique
opportunity to slow down, pay closer atten-
tion to our experiences and open to another
understanding. That sense of discomfort
can help us to understand, to really feel,
how we are held in something much larger
Getty (5)
than our fears and the stories our mind
tells us about how bad things are.
78 O Kindfulness
Meditation Strolling away stress
A practice that can help you
release restlessness is mindful walking. We bring attention
to the direct experience we are having at a sensory level in our
body as the feet contact the earth with each step. The rhythmic
quality can calm the nervous system and release the mental
patterns that keep us stuck in distress.
1
The first step is to identify a walking path of about 10 to 15
paces—it can be indoors or outdoors. From your starting
place, walk along the path to its end, turn around and return
along the path to your starting place, repeating this as many
times as needed. This is very different from our usual walking,
which is toward some destination. Here your walking is bring-
ing you back to yourself in the present moment, as you tune into
the sensory experience of the body. At first, simply sense the
whole body as it stands on the earth, feeling the feet touching
the ground, sensing the weight of the body, pressure at the feet,
tension in the leg muscles. Place your attention in such a way that
you feel connected to the earth through your feet and legs.
2
Now, slowly move into walking, sensing what it’s like as
you lift one foot and place it forward, then lift the other
foot and place it forward. You can experiment to dis-
cover the pace that best supports a felt sense of presence with
your steps. When your attention wanders, which it will do, it can
help to gently name the steps—lifting, placing—or to change the
rhythm of your walking. Hold a gentle presence with each step,
opening to the experience just as it is. The beauty is that while
we don’t control what will arise in our changing life, we can have
some choice in how we walk through our lives, the quality of heart
we bring to the steps. Can you sense yourself supported by this
vast ground of love that can hold this moment and all to come?
Learn to trust in that goodness/ground of love that supports us.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Vulnerable and withdrawn?
When feeling something like this: It feels
like everywhere I turn, there’s potential
for an attack or some impending danger
awaiting me: harm from a stranger, a new
storm or an excruciating illness. I find
myself isolating from the world, physically,
emotionally, even spiritually. I don’t want to
live a half-life, but I feel so exposed.
Explore the feeling like this: There are
times in life when fear takes hold and distress-
ing thoughts start to dominate your mind:
Something bad is going to happen. I won’t be able
to handle it. But it’s important to appreciate
that these thoughts dramatically limit your
world, fuel your fear and keep you in this pain-
ful place of isolation. When you are caught
up in thoughts, you are living from a small,
contracted place within your mind. But you
can step outside of your thinking mind into a
larger space you can rest in, a space that sur-
rounds and holds us where fear can be released.
We’re usually focused on the foreground
of our awareness where our experiences are
constantly shifting—thoughts, emotions,
our reactive tendencies, ideas about ourselves,
mental frameworks about past, present and
future, etc. But that larger background aware-
ness outside of thought—which many people
experience as a loving presence—is always
and already available to you as a kind of oasis.
When you settle back into it, your mind
steadies. You feel a deep inner peace, a calm
tranquility and a joyful radiance.
By falling back away from your thoughts
into this loving landscape of awareness, you
allow your heart, mind and spirit to be fully
renewed and restored. This resting place, this
spiritual spa, is always available to you any
time of day or night. No entry fee required.
Meditation Widening your senses
Use this practice to step out of fear-
ful thoughts and rest in a larger, loving space of awareness.
We’ve all experienced moments of this spaciousness and clarity.
It can be found in times of deep communion with nature, such as
after a hike overlooking a beautiful vista, where one rests with a
sense of simplicity and peace. This meditation helps you let go of
habitual thoughts and settle back into this open aware quality.
1
Keep your eyes open for this meditation and direct your
gaze forward and slightly downward. Let this be a soft,
gentle gaze. Bring awareness to your breathing, beginning
with a few deep breaths, allowing the exhale to be slightly longer
than usual. After a time, allow the breath to resume its natural
rhythm. Sense the body as a whole, resting here, breathing.
Notice any feeling of tightness or holding and, as possible, let this
be released. Softening, dissolving, deeply relaxing.
2
Now direct your gaze forward with eyes open, looking
straight ahead. Let this be a spacious gaze, wide open,
soft. Opening your awareness with all your senses wide
open. Accessing a spaciousness that surrounds you fully, extend-
ing in all directions. Invite the mind to settle back and release
its holding. Simply let go of any habitual thoughts that arise,
thoughts about yourself or the world. Just let the mind rest. If
you notice a thought beginning to form, gently release it, without
clinging. Let the mind rest in the spaciousness of awareness that
is present, this background of experience that is always here.
Simply rest here, sensing a deep tranquility. Allowing any pat-
terns of thought or feeling that come to simply release into this
vast open awareness. Rest with a sense of ease and peace.
3
As you repeat this meditation, you learn to rest in some-
thing larger than habitual patterns of thought. You can
settle in and abide in this vast space that holds everything,
releasing fear into it and finding clarity, openness and radiance.
story
cure
“We’re living the
After Webb Weiman’s father withdrew into a world of fear and grief, Webb made it
his mission to help him find joy again…and to help other senior citizens do the same!
Jump! founder Webb Weiman (left)
helps senior citizens fulfill bucket
lists, like Anita, 69 (center), who
dreamed of flying with her daughter
(right) in the Goodyear blimp
80 O Kindfulness
W ebb Weiman stood in
the doorway of his father
Dink’s bedroom, his heart
breaking as he watched his once
lively and adventurous dad rocking
back and forth in his chair.
In the months since Webb’s
mother, Maxine, had passed away,
his dad had been consumed by sad-
ness. Webb, a successful TV pro-
ducer, visited as often as he could,
and each time, he found Dink sitting
alone, lost in his memories, grief and
fear as he withdrew from the world.
Mom wouldn’t have wanted this,
then-25-year-old Webb thought
sadly. And although the California
native also missed his mother, he
knew his dad deserved to still live
a life full of joy.
“This is truly living!” says
Estelle Eisenberg, who
fulfilled her dream of
skydiving with Jump! on
her 90th birthday
I have to help him, Webb resolved,
and digging out his mom’s address
book, he began calling old friends,
hoping they could draw his dad out.
After initial resistance, Dink
reluctantly agreed to meet someone
for dinner and slowly eased his way
back into the world of the living.
But seeing the light slowly return
to his dad’s eyes, Webb’s heart
changed. All it took was me making
a few phone calls, he marveled. There
are so many senior citizens who feel
withdrawn and scared but don’t have
anyone to help them, Webb realized.
My Jump! (4); Getty (6)
I want to help them find joy again too!
A life-changing adventure
That thought blossomed in Webb’s
heart as, over the next 25 years, he
life we dreamed of!”
“I felt so free!” said fireman Bill Griffin, 77, “I got to be a race car driver for
who had always wanted to fly an airplane a day—and it was great!” beams
and finally did so last year
watched his father live an active, helps low-income seniors living in
happy life—and even find love isolation fulfill their bucket-list
again. But after Dink passed away wishes. Traveling with his team of
in 2010, Webb was living on his “dream makers” to Estelle’s senior
own island of grief, when he met living community, he showed
Estelle Eisenberg, a lively octoge- the residents a video of her
narian, at a luncheon. adventure —and it didn’t
“I’ve always wanted take long for another
to go skydiving!” “Your wildest senior to share
she shared as the her dream.
two chatted. “But I
dreams can Edna Baldwin
don’t have anyone come true at had always wanted
to take me.” any age…all you to get behind
All at once, Webb have to do is the wheel of a
was reminded of his NASCAR race car.
wish that more seniors jump!” “I want to go fast! ”
could experience the she told Webb, who set to
joys of life and live out their work making it happen. And
dreams just like his dad had. And, just two weeks before her 92nd
smiling, Webb said, “I’ll take you!” birthday (and with three pillows
Not long after, on her 90th birth- helping her see over the dashboard),
day, Estelle’s heart thundered with Edna beamed as she sped around
excitement as her skydiving instruc- the track 11 times.
tor called out the word that would In nine years, Jump! (MyJump.org)
come to define Webb’s new life has helped fulfill more than 40
mission: “Jump!” individual and group wishes across
21 states, and even partnered with
A legacy of love Sun Communities, Inc., an opera-
In 2011, with the joy in Estelle’s tor of retirement communities, to
eyes and the memory of his beloved tick off seniors’ bucket-list wishes—
parents as his guiding light, Webb including driving an 18-wheeler,
started Jump!, a nonprofit that flying in a hot-air balloon and, for
Monica Brown, 75
one WWII veteran, visiting the war
memorials in Washington, D.C.—
a trip that helped heal his PTSD.
For Webb, changing lives and
creating a legacy of love is his goal.
“Our work is made up of giving
seniors these beautiful moments,”
he smiles. “The passion and cour-
age in their eyes and the gratitude
in their hearts carry me through
when I miss my own parents. Your
wildest dreams can come true
at any age…all you have to do is
jump!” —Alexandra Pollock
How this opens your heart
In the midst of life changes, fear
can cause us to retreat into a
protective shell as we search
for safety and peace. But when
we live life from a closed-off
place, joy grows increasingly
hard to find. If, like Webb
Weiman, we find ways to live
our dreams, we open the door
to life’s possibilities and discover
courage we never knew we had.
What small steps can you take to
be courageous today? Make that
little jump—you’re sure to soar!
Kindfulness O 81
 fear
Craving distraction?
When feeling something like this:
I bounce from scrolling through
social media to playing games on my
phone to online shopping—all to keep
my mind off of all the uncertainty
and negativity that seems to be
everywhere right now. Distracting
myself does seem to help in certain
ways, but I worry it’s gone too far.
Explore the feeling like this: During
times of uncertainty and loss, it can
be a relief to engage your mind in
something that takes you away from
your worry wheel of thoughts. There’s
nothing wrong with taking these kinds
of mini time-outs from the stresses of
everyday life. More specifically, studies
show that play of any kind—even when
done on your phone—can be mentally
and creatively energizing.
That said, you will reap the most
benefits by developing a wide range
of restorative activities that aren’t lim-
ited to looking at a screen. Spending
time in nature, laughing with a friend,
being present and attentive during rou-
tine household chores and spending
time resting in the loving place outside
of thought are all powerful practices
that you want to be sure to stock in
your restorative toolbox.
What’s key is to be intentional
about what you do: When you want
to play games, play a game. When you
want to connect with others on social
media, do so. When you need to buy
something for yourself, go ahead. But
when you feel yourself getting sucked
down the rabbit hole that character-
izes our online world, put your phone
down and reconnect with where you
are, with who you are. In the gaps
between intentional doing, rediscover
the tickle of sunlight on your com-
forter, the smell of fallen leaves just
outside your window, the beautiful
tinkling of a faraway child’s laugh.
82 O Kindfulness
Meditation Practicing presence
Living mindfully can bring peace and
grace to your most routine days. It is a common habit to dismiss many
simple activities of the day as being insignificant or unworthy of your
attention. In truth, every moment of life is worthy of attention and care.
There is a sweetness to being present for the small moments of your
life, a beautiful intimacy that is possible and always available.
1
You might begin by choosing one or two routine activities in your
day and approaching them with a sincere curiosity and interest.
For example, while washing the dishes, you might attend to all the
sensations and movements involved—the touch of the water on your
skin, the way the dish soap smells, the sound of the water rushing out
of the faucet, the swirl and sparkle of the water as it circles the drain,
the easy, practiced movements of your strong arms and skillful hands.
Your interaction with your kitchen sink is a small world unto itself full of
delightful sensations. All you need to do in order to realize the wonders
of these small worlds is to pay loving and patient attention.
2
Bringing mindfulness to eating and to your communication
with others are also very rich arenas for presence. When eat-
ing, you can really tune in to the senses—sense the different
textures, shapes, smells and colors of the food before even taking a
bite, be present with the movement of the arms and hands and really
savor the taste of your food with appreciation. When speaking and
listening, you can observe how you engage with others—whether you
look in people’s eyes as you make a request, whether you speak in a
heartfelt way when expressing thanks, whether you make a genuine
connection with the person with whom you are communicating.
3
When the weather cooperates, make it a point to spend time
outside in nature just listening. Allow sounds near and far into
your awareness—the chirping of birds, the buzzing of insects,
the rush of water, the tinkling of wind chimes, the whoosh of cars.
Allow yourself to relax into the soundscape that’s all around you.
Cultivating a present-centered awareness in these ways can be
life-changing. Though it takes repetition over time, what you prac-
tice grows stronger. Small moments of presence add up to more
moments of presence; more moments of presence add up to long
periods of presence. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself sur-
rounded by loveliness and aliveness that is ever-changing, ever-new.
Your life will feel richer than you’d ever imagined it could be.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
 “Nothing is more precious than
being in the present moment,
fully alive, fully aware”
—Thich Nhat Hanh
Adobe Stock; Getty (2)
Getty
judgment
When tempted to close your heart to the
brokenness of the world, let these loving
practices renew your compassion—
for others and yourself
judgment

What kind of judgment

are you feeling now?
There can be times when it’s hard to know exactly what
you’re feeling. For those times, simple questions can lead you
to pinpoint what’s underlying your unease. Just follow along
on this flowchart to arrive at your best judgment antidote

Are you Do you find

START comparing yourself
yourself to or NO judging a NO
judging another group of
person? people?

Are you
feeling
YES YES ashamed
or judging
yourself?

YES

NO

Turn to Turn to
page 88 page 92

Search
Turn to for other
page 89 feelings on
page 24

Kindfulness O 87
 judgment
Constantly comparing?
When feeling something like this: I’m
always picking apart other people on social
media and looking for ways my life is better
than theirs. I don’t want to be a judgmental
person but it feels automatic…and feels good!
Explore the feeling like this: The process of
comparing and judging is a critical capacity
of the human brain built into every one of us.
Our ancestors relied on it to manage physical
threats, secure safe food, choose a promising
mate; survival of the human species rested
on it. Nowadays, humans are less focused on
physical survival and more concerned with
a kind of psychological survival. The judg-
ing mind tells us how things are supposed to
be—it asks, Am I better or worse than this one?
Am I doing it right? Many of these thoughts
are learned from parents and teachers, often
intended to create a sense of safety. But this
way of focusing on the world can seriously hin-
der our well-being. The judging mind keeps
us from seeing what is real and beautiful—our
own caring qualities, the eyes of ones we care
for, the mystery and beauty of life’s moments.
When judging thoughts captivate your
attention, the key is to simply be mindful of
them. The idea is not to get into a struggle with
the judging thoughts—or get rid of them—
but to see what they are so they no longer con-
trol you. To see how the judging mind creates a
closing in your heart. Can you begin to soften
to this struggle within yourself? Can you hold
this awareness with gentleness and care? You
may not be able to “shut off” the judging part
of your brain, but it is possible to relate to it in a
way that brings a greater sense of freedom and
compassion toward yourself and others.
88 O Kindfulness
Meditation Freedom from judging
Here are two practices that
can help you recognize and redirect the judging mind.
1
As you begin each day, set an intention to become more
aware of any judgments you are making. When the judg-
ing mind shows itself, receive it with gentleness. You might
think, Oh, here is the judging mind again. You can acknowledge it
with appreciation: “Thank you for your opinion.” You can redirect
it: “Thank you, but not right now, please. I’m okay.” You can find
it in the body, where it lives in you physically, and breathe into
that place, inviting it to open. The minute you name this judg-
ing energy and hold it with mindfulness and release it from your
body, you disarm it. When you’re able to consider your judging
from the vantage point outside of it, you can see it for what it is:
a defense against your own sense of unworthiness. When you
judge others, it’s really a redirection of your own self-judgment.
By recognizing this, you can begin to break the pattern and direct
your attention toward loving care and appreciation for yourself.
2
Now bring to mind something you’ve been criticizing
yourself for. Allow any emotions to arise—perhaps you feel
sad, lonely, ashamed. Try to connect with how this feels
in your body—perhaps a tightness in your throat, a heaviness
in your heart. Notice your thoughts and whether there is a tone
of harshness toward yourself. Now placing your hand on your
heart in a soft, comforting manner, see if you can let your heart
be moved by how difficult this experience is. Feeling the warmth
of your hand, offer these phrases silently: May I be kind to myself.
May I accept myself as I am. May I hold myself with compassion.
Repeat the phrases, trying to connect with the intention behind
the words. Feel what arises. Feel your caring concern and allow
Getty (5)
yourself to begin to let go of the self-blame. With each exhale,
gently breathe it out, releasing yourself from this suffering.
For audio versions of select meditations, visit presentheart.com
Ashamed or self-judging?
When feeling something like this: I’m
deeply ashamed of things that happened
in my past. I find myself overeating, over-
drinking, over-spending to escape my pain…
and that just makes me more ashamed.
Explore the feeling like this: Life carries its
measure of joy and pain for every person. And
while there may be an understanding that dif-
ficult times are unavoidable, there is a strong
human tendency to resist painful experiences.
The destructive behaviors you’re engaging in
are likely your way of resisting acknowledg-
ing underlying pain. While the behavior may
momentarily allow you to avoid the pain, in
the end it provides fuel for the harmful habits
that prolong the pain.
It is an unhappy irony that the more we
resist acknowledging pain, the more suffering
we end up experiencing.
You might want to imagine your pain as
a scared child hiding in the closet in which
you’ve locked it. See it as cowering, starving,
left all alone. Consider that the various behav-
iors you engage in to distract yourself from it
are like so many locks on the closet door. By
developing a sense of caring for your scared,
starving pain, you will naturally undo those
locks. You won’t have to “discipline yourself”
to stop engaging in self-destructive habits;
rather your heart will lead you to love your
pain so much—and feel so much caring for
the Past You who experienced it—that you will
naturally allow the locks to fall away.
Embracing the pain of past experience
means sending out your heart to the Past You
who experienced the trauma and/or commit-
ted the bad actions. By bringing the Past You
to mind and heart—and loving her as you love
your dearest friend—you will find freedom.
Loving the Past You
Meditation To help you move forward in
healing from shame and the self-
destructive behaviors that often go with it, it helps to send
your heart out to the person you were when the “crimes” were
committed. What this asks of you is a willingness to release the
resistance and be touched by your own suffering with a fullness
of heart. Be as gentle as possible with yourself. Accept where
you are right now and let your capacities for awareness and
tenderness develop in their own way, in their own time.
1
Sitting comfortably, allow your eyes to close gently. Bring
to mind an action over which you continue to feel shame.
Let the scene play in your mind. Let the experience be all
that it is without resisting any part of it. Sense your body and
ask, What is going on inside me with this? Notice where you feel
it the most. What feelings and sensations are strong? Breathing
into any discomfort, allow it to move through the body. You may
ask, What is knocking at the door of my heart? Go into this space
of body and heart. Allow what arises to be fully experienced,
without holding back in any way. Is there a deeper experi-
ence you’re not wanting to open to? Some kind of pain? Fear?
Confusion? Go to the center of the feeling. Listen deeply from
within. Give it space to unfold.
2
Now consider the you you were when you did this thing
you continue to be ashamed of. How was that Past You
trapped? How was she hurting? What did she fear? Ask,
What does this Past Me need right now? Send out your heart to
her in love and solidarity. Offer a message of kindness, “I’m here.
I care about you.” Visualize yourself hugging her, stroking her
hair. Allow there to be a softening, a tenderness. Feel the strength
of your heart, the power of your love healing this hurt backward
through time. Feel the forgiveness you offer yourself for past
actions ripple forward through time to heal your heart now. Rest
in this loving reunion and allow the shame to simply drift away.
story
cure
“There’s purpose in
After suffering devastating abuse as a child, Nicole Smith stayed silent and spent
years hiding her shame. But just when the weight of her secret threatened to
crush her heart, a beautiful memory surfaced and changed everything
N icole Smith had learned
early on that life could
be cruel and unfair. Her
parents had divorced when she was
6, and when she was just 9 years
old, she was sexually abused by her
older brother’s friend, whom she’d
trusted like family…and it hap-
pened again by two men during
her teenage years.
I feel so dirty, guilty and ashamed,
Nicole would think, burying her
secret deeper and deeper in her
heart, terrified to tell anyone.
They were older guys. Who will ever
believe me? She tortured herself
about why it had happened and
what she had done to cause it, the
questions haunting her every day.
Being from a faithful family, she
thought about praying…but what
90 O Kindfulness
could God do? He’ d probably be
ashamed of me too, she thought.
Carrying that secret, Nicole
found it hard to fit in with her
peers, until one day, she met a boy
named Dwight in high school.
They began attending church
together, which gave Nicole the
courage to share her past with him.
Months later, Nicole and
Dwight fell in love and were mar-
ried at age 19, but early on in their
marriage, he began having affairs.
And as her life began to crumble
all around her once again, Nicole’s
faith, which had grown stronger
since she’d met Dwight, started to
crumble too.
“I’ve done all You have expected
of me,” she’d pray. “Where are You,
God?” She became so angry and
“After all these years,
I finally feel free!” says
Nicole, who has broken
the chains of shame
ashamed of her situation that soon,
she found herself locking her heart
away once again, fearing there was
no one, in Heaven or on Earth,
that she could truly trust.
A light in the darkness
Reaching an emotional breaking
point in her life and in her mar-
riage, Nicole turned to numbing
her feelings of shame and despair
by smoking marijuana.
To make matters worse, she had
developed an untreatable medical
condition that caused her intense
abdominal pain. Lying in bed alone
one night, Nicole writhed in agony
and fear. “Please, help me, God,”
she begged, the tears cascading
Getty (5)
down her face as only silence and a
feeling of uncertainty echoed back.
our deepest pain!”
Just then, a vivid memory
flashed into Nicole’s mind of her
mother on her knees, praying the
Lord’s Prayer. She always trusted
that the Lord would provide, Nicole
reflected, then she too found her-
self praying the Lord’s Prayer, over
and over again.
Suddenly, the pain stopped, and
Nicole felt more peace wash over
her than she’d ever known. And
she knew God was there…He’s
always been there, loving me through
it all, Nicole realized. Her son, Everett, is one of
Nicole has shared about her her greatest blessings
With God’s love giving her experiences on her radio show
strength, Nicole stopped doing
drugs and decided to work on her I have no idea how to do a radio made me feel whole again. This
broken marriage, praying for her show! Nicole thought. But despite freedom and God’s amazing love
husband and her family. And, with having no experience in broadcast- empowered me to finally forgive
time and forgiveness for herself ing, Nicole followed that voice and my abusers and shed the weight of
and others, she found something sent a tape to a local station. As it unworthiness I’d been carrying.”
extraordinary was happening: turned out, her courage paid off Today, Nicole is on hiatus from
She was starting to heal. “I can’t and she was offered a job hosting her radio show, but her life and
believe it!” she marveled, as her her own show called “Change Is in family are still full of happiness,
marriage got back on track and the Air” (NicoleSmithMedia.com), love and, most important, hope.
her hope for the future returned. sharing hope with hurting peo- “I have no doubt there is purpose
And though she still har- ple…people just like her. in my pain,” she says. “I’m proof
bored her deepest pain Nicole even got God’s love heals any hurt!”
from the abuse, her “Stepping out the opportunity to —Diane Nichols
healing journey was of the shadows of interview Amanda
just getting started. shame and Zarate, the founder
of Fighting for
Finding her into the light of Me, an organiza- How this heals your heart
voice love made me tion that offers free When we feel deep shame, our
At age 42, Nicole whole!” counseling to victims reflex is often to protect our
was given another of sexual abuse. heart by hiding the shame away
blessing when she found “God led me to or pushing down the pain. But
out she was pregnant with her first Amanda, and she helped me see Nicole’s story shows that shining
child. But after her newborn son after all these years that the abuse a light on shame—through
spent time in the NICU, Nicole I experienced wasn’t my fault,” loving prayer, forgiveness,
and Dwight’s joy was cut short by Nicole told her husband. And as sharing our struggle, helping
mounting medical bills that put Amanda also encouraged Nicole to
others who have similar
their house into pre-foreclosure. help other victims by sharing her
hurts or all of the above—can
There’s no way out, Nicole fret- story on the radio, Nicole found
ted, trying to pray once again. herself breaking her silence for the chase away the darkness and
What do I do, God? Suddenly, she first time in her life. open us to an endless well
felt a response deep in her heart: “Stepping out of the shadows of unconditional and deeply
You should be on the radio. of shame and into the light of love healing love.

Kindfulness O 91
 judgment
Judging groups?
When feeling something like this: I often find myself feeling disgusted
by other people’s behavior, and certain “groups” tend to be the worst. I
don’t understand why they have to argue about everything, and I’m fed up
with watching them tear my country, my community and my values apart.
Explore the feeling like this:
It can be frustrating when we dis-
agree with others over fundamental
aspects of our community life. But
when you let judgment take over
your heart, you end up cheating
yourself. Over time, a judging heart
will become hardened. This hard-
ness can make it almost impossible
to receive the love, joy and peace
that are freely available to you. To
experience all the goodness that life
has to offer, you’ll want to keep your
heart open by freeing it of things
like judgment that contract it.
One way to disarm judging reac-
tions is to build your capacity for
equanimity. Equanimity is the abil-
ity to maintain a peaceful heart that
remains spacious and loving amid
any struggle. We often become
attached to having things a certain
way, but we are capable of an open-
hearted love that does not insist on
always being in control.
92 O Kindfulness
The practice of equanimity is
meant to release attachment to hav-
ing things the way we want them. It
is about letting go and letting things
be. You feel the waves but you know
that you are the ocean…the waves
will come and go without harm.
Equanimity is different from
withdrawal or indifference,
which are reactions rooted in fear.
Withdrawal is a way of closing down
and disconnecting. Indifference is a
kind of resignation, a stance of not
caring, that defends the heart.
But equanimity is connected
and openhearted. You are present,
seeing with the eyes of wisdom and
with a heart that stays open. You
are caring, loving, responding to
your world without insisting on
controlling outcomes. You are not
turning from the world; rather, you
are taking your seat in the midst of
Getty (3)
it with a peace and steadiness that
are unshakable.
Meditation
Learning to embrace
equanimity
This practice can help you rec-
ognize and welcome a quality of
equanimity, which develops as a
truth that you experience viscer-
ally in your body. It is a sense of
calm, stability and composure
that you can always take root in
when you experience a tempest
of strong emotions, pain, a dif-
ficult situation or disgust.
1
You are invited to practice
in a standing posture with
your knees slightly bent,
feeling your feet on the earth.
If you need to modify using a
seated or reclining posture, sense
the places where your body con-
tacts the surfaces that support it.
Let your eyes hold a soft down-
ward gaze. Relax your shoulders
and arms. Feel the weight of your
body. If standing, notice the small
movements that happen, the
micro-adjustments that keep you
 “Above all else, guard your
heart. For everything you
do flows from it”
in balance. Bring a loving aware-
ness to your body and the field of
experience. Feel the pull of gravity,
heaviness and pressure at the points
of contact. Feel your body on Earth
connecting down through the rock
all the way to the center of the
planet. As if you are a great tree
with roots that go very deep. Sense
your body deeply rooted, swaying
slightly. Let yourself feel how your
body breathes in this position.
Rest in presence like the great
tree centered in the midst of all
things—the joys and sorrows, the
beauty and pain of life.
2
With this presence, notice
what is arising in your experi-
ence. Breaths, sensations,
thoughts, emotions, sounds. Pay
attention to your experience from
moment to moment and notice how
it changes. Notice how these events
arise and pass away. Breaths, sensa-
tions, thoughts, emotions, sounds.
Like the great tree, receive experi-
ence without any resistance, without
any need to control it. Know that you
can stay right here and be with what
comes. You can hold all that arises
—Proverbs 4:23
within a larger space of mindfulness.
Maintain an open awareness that is
vast and kind.
3
Now bring to mind an image
of those whose behavior
you have found disgusting
or disagreeable. In your mind’s eye,
assemble some of them together as
a group gathered at a comfortable
distance from you. Observe them
and sense how it feels in your body.
Allow your breath to anchor you to
the moment. Resist the pull of the
mind to go into a story about them.
Hold them in your mind and direct
the following phrases of intention
to them:
I understand you have your own
path to follow
No matter how I may wish things
to be otherwise, things are as
they are
I release you from my
expectations
I surrender my demands on you
I open my heart to light, freedom
and spaciousness
4
Breathe deeply. See if
you can detect where the
desire to control manifests
in the body. Maintain the image
and continue to repeat the phrases
for a time. Sense if you can detect
any small changes in your body as
you do so. Maybe there’s a slight
relaxing around the eyes, a release
in the throat or jaw, a dropping of
the shoulders, an unwinding in the
abdomen. Notice how your experi-
ence is always changing, how there’s
always something new. Breathing
and trusting. Softening your
heart and trusting.
This is the way things are
5
Continue to witness the aris-
ing and passing of sensations,
of your experience. Rest in
the truth of how things are. Trust
in this unfolding of life and in the
vast and unlimited love holding it all.
Open, soften and surrender into the
spaciousness of equanimity. Release
control and fall back into that vast
love that holds you. It is filled with
ease and mystery. Fall into it and let
yourself be held in the eternal.
Kindfulness O 93
 Blissful 1-minute
Reaping the mind,
body and spiritual
benefits of mindfulness
doesn’t have to take
a lot of time—in fact,
studies show you can
usher in greater calm,
creativity and vitality
in under 60 seconds!
Read on for strategies
proven to melt stress
and unleash joy!

INHALE THIS SCENT

A study revealed that 86% of people exposed to the sweet
scent of flowers enjoyed an instant surge in feelings of
happiness and relaxation. Study author Alan Hirsch, M.D.,
explains that floral aromas spark joyful memories, trigger-
Getty (9); Adobe Stock

ing a blissful, nostalgic response. Keep a bottle of gardenia

essential oil (like Eternal Essence Gardenia, Amazon.com) in
your purse and sniff deeply whenever you need a boost.

▲ NOSH ON A
▲

FIND CALM AT
YOUR FINGERTIPS CRUNCHY SNACK
The secret to serenity is a simple fingertip Ground yourself in the moment
meditation, says Shirzad Chamine, author of with a crunchy snack, suggests
Positive Intelligence. To do: Gently rub your psychotherapist Arielle Schwartz,
thumb and forefinger together in a circular Ph.D. Moving our jaw causes both
motion for 10 seconds. By bringing your compression and loosening in the
attention to a physical sensation, this tac- inner ear, which controls our sense of
tile mindfulness slows racing thoughts. where our body begins and ends. As
And because nerve endings are concen- a result, noshing on a crunchy treat,
trated in our fingertips, it’s like a direct like popcorn, helps us feel safe and
path to our brain, ushering in instant calm. balanced, physically and emotionally.
meditations
GET ‘IN TOUCH’ WITH

▲
THE EARTH
The Earth’s electrical field pulses
at the same frequency as our
brain’s relaxing alpha brain waves.
“Touching the earth, or ‘grounding,’
helps us sync up with that field and
enter a peaceful, healing state,”
reveals Laura Koniver, M.D., author
of The Earth Prescription. Despite
its name, grounding doesn’t neces-
sarily mean taking a barefoot stroll
on the grass. In one study, touching
the earth with your hand for mere
▲ WRITE OUT seconds was shown to lower tension
and lead to more restorative sleep.
RACING THOUGHTS
“I handwrite a lot to soothe my anxi-
ety,” reveals Sarah Wilson, author of
First, We Make the Beast Beautiful:
A New Journey Through Anxiety.
“It allows me to connect with my
thoughts. Typing on a keyboard,
by contrast, is too fast, jangling my
nerves as my fingers rush to keep
up,” she says, revealing that she even
handwrote the first draft of her 300-
page book. “I’m not always going
to read back over it. Gosh no,” she
laughs. “But I find it takes about a
minute and the frazzle backs off.”

WATCH LIGHT
▲

‘DANCE’
“Just before morning light, I like to
pause and light a candle,” shares
Becca Stevens, an Episcopal priest
and author of Finding Balance. “It’s
a simple ritual that goes well with a
cup of tea or coffee and brings such
a sense of hope—imagine the dancing
flame awakening your most inspired
dreams and ideas.” Spending just
1 minute practicing this mindfulness,
called concentration meditation,
centers and focuses the mind.

Kindfulness O 95
A moment for you
Gazing at beautiful photos—like these!—for 10 seconds has the power to ground you
in the present moment and create a feeling of spaciousness that slashes stress, lowers
heart rate and increases productivity by 15%. Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy!

“Life is this simple: We are living in a

world that is absolutely transparent
and the divine is shining through it
all the time. This is not just a nice
story or fable, it is true”
—Thomas Merton

“The universe is full of magical

things, patiently waiting for our
wits to grow sharper”
—Eden Phillpotts

SPECIALS Kindfulness
CHIEF EDITORS BAU UER R MEDIA USA A BA
AUER MEDIIA SAL
LES IN
NC.
Louise Ferretti, Ph.D., Carey Ostergard CEO, PRESIDENT Executive Vice President, Sales & Marketing Assistant
ART DIRECTOR Blake Logan Steven Kotok Advertising Revenue Lindsey Moody
Jeff Wellington Strategic Marketing
MANAGING EDITOR Tara Hans Chief Financial Officer
William P. Houston Integrated Marketing Director Manager
DEPUTY EDITOR Alexandra Pollock Jennifer Zankel Michele Jacabacci
EVP Consumer Revenue Eric Szegda Executive Director, Creative Integrated Marketing
PHOTO DIRECTORS VP Public Relations Samantha Trenk Services Manager
Barbara DeFranco, Tara LeMaistre Steve Weredyk Lisa Kessler
SVP Production Gena Kelly
COPY DESK Tammy French, Integrated Sales Director Integrated West Coast
Sr. Dir. Publishing Services Christine Strifas
Nancy Heller, Heather Liang Sales Director
Jacqui LaMorte
Getty (5); Adobe Stock

Integrated Account Director Amy Lloyd

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Director of Production Elaine Mehler Chicago Office Integrated
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Group Production Manager Jessica Bunucci Molly Powers
EDITORIAL DIRECTOR
Carol Brooks Kevin Fee 261 Madison Ave., 18th floor, New York, NY 10016, bauerpublishing.com

Unless otherwise noted, Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan.
All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

96 O Kindfulness
 “When we put down ideas of
what life should be like, we
are free to wholeheartedly
say yes to our life as it is”
—Tara Brach

“Courage is fear that

has said its prayers
and decided to go
forward anyway”
—Joyce Meyer

“The real voyage of discovery

consists not in seeking new
landscapes but in having new eyes”
—Marcel Proust
FREE YOUR HEART HEAL YOUR HURT
CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Are you overwhelmed by stress, uncertainty and worry? Do you
feel anxious about the world and wonder if things will ever get
better? Let Kindfulness be your path to peace! By outlining easy
ways to practice kindfulness—mindfulness with an open heart—this
loving guide can lift you out of chaos and into calm. Organized into
four emotional challenges (sadness, anger, fear and judgment),
Kindfulness helps you discover what’s really bothering you, then offers
a simple meditative practice and an inspiring real-life story to help
pull your bad mood out by the root. You’ll find yourself returning to
Kindfulness again and again for instant comfort, renewed hope and
to feel your heart light up with a deep, radiant and powerful love.