EVIL-MART

writing-prompt-s Badge image.

Evil-Mart provides a vast array of tools and gadgets that is essential for the
common villain-of-the-week. You work as a cashier there. Unfortunately all your
coworkers mysteriously called in sick today, so you alone have to handle the long
line of increasingly disgruntled customers.

dycefic

Everyone has that one story about the time EVERYONE called in sick and they had to
work a shift totally alone. Mine was a little different, though.

See, I work at Evil-Mart. It’s actually a really good job – benefits are top notch,
pay is excellent, and management really cares about the wellbeing of employees. For
good reason – most of us are, if not family, certainly part of the Family. All the
staff are from the families of henchmen and minor villains. It’s easier for
everyone that way.

Unfortunately, while the official ‘bad guys’ excel in many areas, catering isn’t
one of them. I don’t know why, but it’s just not something we’re good at. Anyway,
there was a big team dinner for Evil-Mart one night, to celebrate the store’s tenth
anniversary. And the next day, nearly the whole staff were out with food poisoning.
And by nearly the whole staff, I mean … well, it went like this.

I was on the opening shift, and usually when I get there, there’s already two
supervisors there. This time… nothing. The door was still locked. I knocked a few
times, then called the front desk. Still nothing.

The third time I called, a voice answered that I didn’t recognize. “Who is this?”

“Rebecca Kahn, I – “

She sounded like she was about to cry. “Are you calling in sick too?”

“No, but the door’s locked and I can’t get in.”

“You’re here? At the store?”

“Yes, and I only have two minutes or I’ll be late clocking in and – “

“Wait right there! I’ll be right down!” The phone slammed down, and a couple of
minutes the door swung open. “Thank God!” the woman exclaimed. I vaguely recognised
her from meetings, but we’d never spoken before, but now she grabbed my hands and
squeezed them as if I was a long lost friend. “Did you have a special meal last
night?”

At that point, light began to dawn. “Yes. Knuckles Levy from the warehouse and I
both had the kosher meal.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” She sighed deeply. “I know I’m the only vegetarian working
here, and I was starting to think I was going to be the only one at work.
Everyone’s down with food poisoning. Everyone! Except me, and you, and… Knuckles,
was it?”

“Do you want me to call him?” I pulled out my phone and started paging through the
contacts. “I have his number. He and my dad used to work together before Dad got
pensioned out.” Actually, he got most of the bones in his body broken by a
rampaging ‘good guy’, but we all use ‘pensioned out’ as shorthand. Describing all
the various causes takes a long time and can make people upset.

“I could kiss you. Yes, please call.” The manager locked the door behind me. “I’m
Yelena Fedorova, by the way. Sorry we had to meet like this.”

“Me too.” I dialled the number and he picked up after only one ring.

“Becky, do you know what’s up? There’s no-one here.”

“They all have food poisoning. There’s just us – “

“Who had the kosher meal.” He groaned. “I should have known something was wrong
when they were all enjoying their food so much.”

“Yeah, me too.” I sighed. “Anyway, it’s just us, one vegetarian from marketing,
and… does An Dan-Tae still bring all his meals from home?”

“I think so. His wife works for Doctor Malign, and they were working on a cure for
the allergies, but the doc got arrested last month and hasn’t busted out yet.”

“Try calling him. I know he’s night shift, but he might be the only person besides
us who’s not sick as a dog.”

“I’ll try.”

I hung up, and looked at Ms Fedorova. “Knuckles is in the warehouse, and there
might be one other guy who’s okay, but he’s the night supervisor. He’s probably
only been asleep for an hour.”

“We’re all going to die,” she moaned, leaning against the wall. Then she
straightened up. “But until we do, we’ll stick to it. Do you know how to open?”

“I know how, but only supervisors can do some of – “

“Then you’re getting a field promotion.” She hustled me down the corridor and into
the main store, grabbing the first pad of post-its she found. “Here, write down
your employee number. I’ll bump you up to supervisor as soon as I get back
upstairs. I’ve already routed all the phones to my office. I’ll handle the incoming
calls, and try to find some temporary staff. You handle the counter. According to
the Calendar of Villainy, no-one has any big plans for the next few days, it’s not
a holiday, and the next scheduled jail-break isn’t until next week. It should be a
reasonably quiet day.”

It was, for the first hour. Ms Fedorova was handling the calls, letting the
insurance company know that all hospital claims were very valid, and trying to find
staff. Knuckles had taken the day’s only delivery and then moved on to covering
online orders. An Dan-Tae had been contacted, and had promised to come in to cover
the evening shift and bring two of his adult children to help. It was all…
difficult, but manageable.

Then my phone let me know that I had a high priority alert from V-news. (Yes, I’m
allowed to have my phone on the floor. All of us have family in high-risk
positions… or in hospital, often, and our management aren’t monsters. Except for
‘Fluffy’ Gilbert, who likes the term better than ‘abomination of science’.)

The United Heroes Front had announced a big push to ‘stamp out the villainous
element.’ Well, shit.
After that, I only remember bits and pieces.

I tried to be polite at first.

“Welcome to Evil-Mart, did you find everything all right today?”

“I wanted help in the grocery section and nobody came.”

“Unfortunately we’re short-staffed today, sir. Can I help you with anything else?”

“I want to make a complaint. Where’s your manager?”

“Not in until Wednesday, sir.”

“But – “

“I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to fill out a complaint form over there. Next
customer, please!”

“There’s no fresh bread!”

“Our bakery staff are among the sick, ma’am, I am sorry.”

“That’s very irresponsible, young lady!”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re doing our best. I’ll pass on your complaint.”

Politeness was taking too long, and the line was getting longer and angrier. I
called up to Ms Fedorova. “Ma’am, permission to go to Boarding Protocols?”

“What is Boarding Protocols?”

“The customer service gets dialled back a few notches and I’m allowed to say what I
have to to keep things moving.”

“Oh. Right. Yes. And if there’s something past Boarding Protocols, permission to do
that too.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” I hung up, and turned back to the line. “NEXT.”

“Mr Shark, I told you, all our staff are down with food poisoning. Nobody’s able to
restock the shelves right now.”

“But I need – “

“Mr Shark, what you see is what we have. You can take the five depth charges I have
on the shelf or not, but I cannot get you more until tomorrow.”

“No, I can’t check the price for you.”

“But the sign said – “

“Lady Melusine, I don’t care what the sign said. Right now, there is one person on
the entire floor and I am stuck behind this register. There are fifteen people in
line behind you, including two of your exes and one of your arch-enemies, do you
want to tell them they have to wait even longer because you didn’t want to pay ten
dollars ninety-five more for the seven thousand dollar rocket-launcher you HAD to
have today?”

“I’m coming back for a price correction tomorrow!”

“Yes, ma’am, have an evil day.”

Knuckles took five minutes away from packing the most urgent online orders –
medications, special diets, etcetera – to bring a sign and set it next to my
register. It read ‘Yes, we are short-staffed. No, there is nothing we can do about
it. Deal with it or leave’. That cut the questions a little – customers at Evil-
Mart have learned that not reading the warning signs can have unpleasant and often
dangerous results.

“Ma’am – “

“Your HIGHNESS.”

“Ma’am, you’re holding up the line. If you’re going to sort through your purchases,
you need to step out of line and rejoin it when you’re ready to pay.”

“I’ve already been in this line for twenty minutes! You can’t – “

“Ma’am, that means you’ve had plenty of time to decide what you want and what you
don’t. Either pay or move, right now, your choice.”

“You can’t just…” Princess Cyanide looked at my face and apparently thought better
of her statement. “All right, all right, I’ll just take all of it.”

“Wise choice, ma’am. Have an evil day.”

Mr Tick showed up, because of course he did. Our single worst customer, who hasn’t
been banned from the store only because his nephew owns the place and keeps begging
us to put up with the old swine.

“But I want you to order it for me!”

“Mr Tick, I cannot order it for you. You know that. The Omega-Sidle Disruptor
Platform is not an item directly stocked by Evil-Mart. You have to order it from
our distributor from the website, not the store.”

Mr Tick made his aggravating not-quite-whining complaint noise. “But the website
has a delay of four to six weeks, and I want – “

“That is because the Omega-Sidle Disruptor Platform is made to order, when it is

ordered. Mr Tick, you know this. The store cannot get it any faster.”
“But there must be some way to – “

“There is not. If that’s all you wanted, sir, there are other customers waiting – “

He changed tack. “But you have to help me with the website. I’m old, and it’s
confusing, and – “

An enormous hand gripped his shoulder and turned him around. Ankh-Athesis glared
down at him. “I am three thousssand years old,” she hissed – really hissed, she’s
part serpent as well as being nine feet tall. “I can use the webssite. Alsso, I am
tired of waiting. You can leave or I can eat you, your choice.”

I had never been less inclined to issue the mandatory warning, but it WAS
mandatory. “Ma’am, eating other customers is grounds for a lifetime ban.” But Mr
Tick was already scurrying away, clock powers being little use against demi-
goddesses, and I smiled at her. “Although I was tempted for a minute. Just the
kibble and the Rabbit Budget Box for you today?”

“Yess, thank you.” Something that big doesn’t settle for a frozen mouse. The
Rabbit Budget Box, twelve healthy organically raised and halal-slaughtered full-
grown rabbits, frozen whole within ten minutes of death, is always popular with our
obligatory carnivore clients. The kibble was for her dog. Theoretically she could
get it anywhere, but our store brand is very good, and it’s not easy for a nine-
foot-tall Egyptian demi-goddess (or so she claims) to get served just anywhere.

“The small arms section is picked entirely clean!”

“Yes, sir, we ran out about an hour ago.”

This guy was so new to the game that I didn’t know his name, and he was clearly
nervous. “But… but there’s a push on, and I don’t have a regular order yet, and…”

I took pity on him. “Sir, the UHF are making a media play. That means they’ll go
after big names, a-listers, that kind of thing. If you’re worried that you’ve been
compromised, take a trip to Nebraska for a couple of weeks.”

He blinked. “Nebraska?”

“They’ve only got one hero, and he’s pretty focused on drugs. Just don’t open a
meth lab and he won’t find you.”

I could see the relief right through the mask. “Oh, thank you. That’s a very good
idea. I’ll go get one of your Lair-Away-From-Home packages.”

“Good thought, sir.”

Frantique was living up to their name. “Darling, there’s hardly anything in stock!
You can’t do this to us when the UHF have a push on!”

“We’re doing our best, Mx Frantique, but all but four of our staff got food
poisoning from the company dinner.”

Frantique, who said (frequently and loudly) that they had said no to gender but yes
and second helpings please to drama, nearly swooned on the spot. “Do you think it
was a plot?!”

“No, Mx Frantique, just very poor timing. You’re welcome to place an online order
for anything you couldn’t find in store today, and I promise we will deliver it as
soon as we possibly can.”

“But where are the other three people?!”

“One is on the phones and trying to get more staff, one is in the warehouse, and
one is covering the night shift.”

Frantique stopped flailing abruptly. “You mean four people total? Not just the
register staff?”

“Four people total.”

“Darling, that’s a nightmare. Would you like me to send a few minions to help you
out?” The theatrics were gone and there was real concern in their voice now.

“Mx Frantique, I can’t authorize a lifetime discount, but I will certainly lobby
hard for one if you can get us some competent assistance.”

“Of course, darling, I’ll call them right away.” They leaned over the counter
conspiratorially. “You know, my villain origin story started in retail.”

“A surprising number of them do. Thank you, Mx Frantique, have an evil day.”

Two other kindly villains offered henchmen, and Ms Fedorova got through to a minion
employment agency, so help was on the horizon. But I was still on my own when
Majority Rules stamped up to the counter and slammed down an opened package. “I
want a discount on this.”

“There are no discounts today, sir.” I personally loathe Majority Rules, who’s a
complete jackass, but I tried to stay semi-professional.

He scowled at me. “It’s open. It may have been tampered with.”

“Sir, today it is a matter of take what you can get. Either take the open Blaze-Up
Laser or leave it.”

“Well, *now* I want it for free, and I will be making a complaint about you.” He
sneered at me. “You won’t be so mouthy when you’re unemployed, and you can – “

I’d held it together that long. I’d gritted my teeth through whining, unreasonable
demands, badgering, and even insults. But Majority Rules being a prick to me on top
of everything else was just too much. I vaulted over the counter in one bound,
grabbed him by the collar, and slammed him down on the belt like an outsized bag of
dogfood. “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” I bellowed into his face. “I’M REBECCA KAHN. YOU
PANICKED AND RAN WHEN SUPERDYNE ATTACKED YOUR BASE. ALL YOUR MINIONS DIED, ALL OF
THEM, INCLUDING JOSEPH KAHN, WHO WAS MY BROTHER! I FINISHED THREE YEARS OF HENCH
TRAINING AND HAD TO QUIT BECAUSE MY MOM NEEDED HELP TAKING CARE OF MY DAD WHO’S A
PARAPLEGIC, BUT I AM FULLY QUALIFIED AND I COULD SNAP YOU IN HALF LIKE THE PATHETIC
LITTLE SHIT-NUGGET YOU ARE AND GIVEN THE FAMILY HISTORY I WOULDN’T EVEN GET
SUSPENDED IF I KILLED YOU HERE AND NOW.”

His face went grey. I wasn’t kidding about not getting suspended – not only were
Evil-Mart staff encouraged to refuse to serve or even deny service entirely to
persons who’d wronged a family-member, between Joseph being dead and Majority Rules
threatening me in front of a sight-and-sound security camera, I could have ripped
his head off his neck and gotten away with a written warning. Probably. Today,
anyway.

There was a long moment of absolute silence. Then I pulled him back off the belt
and shoved him so hard in the direction of the door so hard that he landed on his
face and slid a couple of feet. “Get out,” I said through gritted teeth. “You have
a lifetime ban. From this store AND the website.”

He scrambled to his feet and turned so he could look at me while he backed towards
the door. “But… but how will I…. where will I…”

“Go to Wal-Mart.” I walked back around my counter, took a deep breath, and smiled
brightly at the next person. “Just the energy drinks and the grenades for you
today?”

The customer, one of at least a dozen nearly-identical ninja-themed villains who

nobody could keep straight, cowered back and then nodded shakily. “Yes, please.
Ma’am. Uh… I’ll take the Blaze-Up Laser if he’s not – “

“He’s not.” I scanned the items, accepted the payment, and smiled again. “Thank
you, sir, have an evil day.”

I got three days off with pay, a letter of thanks and a little plaque for
meritorious service, and a permanent pay-rise after that day. Nobody ever mentioned
Majority Rules, and his ban was made official two days later.

Evil-Mart is a great place to work… even on the worst days.

EDIT NOTE: THANKS (REALLY, I MEAN IT) TO THE PEOPLE WHO POINTED OUT MY RABBIT
BLOOPER. THAT’S ON ME FOR NOT DOING THE RESEARCH. FIXED IT BY MAKING IT ‘HALAL’,
SINCE ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA RABBITS CAN BE THAT.