How to Break a Trauma Bond

Are you tired of staying in a relationship where there is less love and more torture? Do you feel
your "Happily Ever After" took a sharp 180 degrees turn? Often times when you are in a
relationship, you find yourself in deep clutches of a bond so full of toxicity. At first, everything
about the relationship gives you a soothing, calming and loving affect overall, but as soon as
your partner wears off his façade, it all turns dark, gloomy, and ugly.

Relationships, as we know are just so full of complexities. One time you want to hold your
partner’s hand, and the other moment, you want to pinch his hand so hard that it leaves an
imprint. Any such kind of relationship in which you are eager to get your partner’s love,
affection, and validation all the time, and you actually receive all that in the beginning of your
relationship, But, gradually, it all fades away when your partner makes you feel miserable about
yourself. No matter how hard you try to pull yourself together, you fall in his trap again and
again. The cycle of love and emotional abuse is called a "Trauma Bond." There a few steps,
which could help you, break this trauma bonding.

1. Stop Blaming Yourself

The first step of breaking a trauma bond is to stop the blame game. It’s easier said than done.
You start thinking consciously that it is not your fault when you start learning about trauma
bond, you can resonate your feelings with it. No matter how much you want to stop blaming
yourself, it creeps back again as soon as you go back into reality. All those self-blaming and
damaging thoughts stay there on your mind most of the time.
If you want to help yourself break the trauma bond, you will have to know that self-blaming
doesn’t really help you find a solution. You need to figure out the ways you can overcome those
feelings of guilt and shame. So, whenever that happens, first of all, you need to take the
responsibility for yourself and think about how you can improve the situation at your end. Also,
try to know figure out why you blame yourself and how is that helping you. Try to do things that
contribute in improving your mood. You should distract yourself by reading a book, or going out
for a walk, cooking something you like, spending some time in nature, or indulging in some sort
of activity that calms your mind. You could even practice saying some words of affirmation and
speaking them out loud in front of a mirror. You can tell yourself statements like, “I have all the
power to break this toxic relationship and move on in life.” Once you take responsibility for
yourself, everything will fall back into place.

2. Journaling
Writing is one of the best ways of expression because you think about it consciously. The reality
training is very much important to move on from a situation. You need to sit down in a calm
place, and think about every single event related to your relationship that affected you. You
should start writing about it all, as if you’re writing a story or a fictional piece with different
characters in it. Make it sound like it’s someone else’s life story. While you are writing it, try
including all the positive and negative events in it, and keep it in a sequential order like a real
story. When you write about your life this way, as if it were someone else, it will detach you
from it and make you see things from a different perspective. You will be able to figure out your
true feelings, and you’ll feel like you are reading a story and eventually, you’ll come up with
solutions on how to deal with it.

3. Check-in with Yourself Daily

Emotionally abusive relationships are mostly numbing and make you repress your actual
feelings. Often times we are so busy in our lives caring about others that we neglect ourselves.
Spending time with yourself is beneficial in a lot of ways to improve your mood, your energy,
your productivity, and your relationships with others.
When you sit on your favorite spot to relax and think about how your day went, and if you are
stressed, what actually caused it? This way, you will know how you actually feel about
something or someone. Start by identifying your external triggers which could be situational or
environmental, so knowing what triggers or activates your emotions in a particular situation
gives you an opportunity to check in with yourself before you become distressed.
Another way to do so, is to set a timer every day to acknowledge your feelings, and try to dig a
little deeper into what you are going through, and how you feel about your situation. Try to
remember the pleasant, as well as the ugly moments of your relationship. Discovering about the
happy and sad moments will give you an insight about where you actually stand in your
relationship. While you do so, try to figure out slowly about the time you felt numb, and what
exactly was the situation around that time. This exercise is very helpful for you to start getting in
touch with reality and your feelings.

4. Lower Down Your Expectations

This one is the most difficult one for all of us. Every time we're on cloud nine, reality hits hard
when our partner fails to meet our expectations. We often boost our expectations from our
partner because we want them to treat us in a special way. We don’t really think much about how
keeping our expectations high could hurt us, because there are times when we get disappointed
and upset because of that. In order to have some peace of mind, you need to break your
expectations because they are just going to hurt you, cause more disappointments, and take an
extra space in your mind, which will never help you.
Instead of expecting perfection, you need to change your perspective and reframe how you view
your relationship with your partner. Try to know more about your partner’s perspective. You also
need to be aware of what makes you unhappy.
It’s definitely going to be challenging for you but you are constantly disappointed with your
partner, you need to discuss and agree to realistic expectations. Moreover, you should focus on
your goals, and make concrete and realistic plans to get what you want. Instead of expecting
someone else to do things for you, you should do something for yourself. You can even ask
yourself questions like, “Will this matter in 10 years?”, “Does this person care for you?”, “How
important is this compared to other things in life?”, “What are some other things that you are
proud of?” All this will help you gain the acceptance you need.

5. Focus on Healthy Bonds

Having healthy relationships with the partner pleases every individual. Trauma bonds can be
disrupted when you have healthy relationships around. You can do so by joining support groups,
and interact with people around to get over your obsessive thoughts. You can join a religious
community and that will make you feel calm. When you discuss about your issues with people
who can relate, you will have a better understanding of how to deal with your situation. You
need to make healthy friendships, make time for yourself, and do whatever activities that give
you peace and make you happy and comfortable. If you feel like you are having a difficult time
interacting with others after a trauma bond, you should seek professional help by taking a
therapy and start social work to engage in different activities for the sake of creating connection
in low pressure environment. Do everything that boosts your energy and cheers you.

6. Challenge Yourself to do New Things

Being in a trauma bond is very stressful for the individual, because you are excessively under
pressure and fighting with your thoughts about your abuser. Try creating new pathways of your
interest and detoxify your relationships by breaking the pattern of love, abuse, and love again.
This can be done by getting out of your comfort zone and giving yourself a break from the
normal routine. By going on a retreat and challenging yourself to do new things that you haven’t
tried before, is always a good start to a healthy life. All this will help change your paradigms and
shift your perspective and help you figure out your goals and aims of life. Also, keep telling
yourself that, you have all the control on your life and if you want to be loved by someone, you
will have to love yourself first.

Author: Arooba Laraib

Clinical & Counseling Psychologist
Family First Institute