The First Concert

The vibrant golden sun beaming on my arm trying to block the ablazing heat from
stepping foot onto my face. From all directions a whoosh noise coming from people’s umbrellas,
my body shivers with sweat vigorously sliding across my face. Ahead is a long waiting line
packed together like a swarm of bees. The entrance line is constantly getting longer, like adding
pieces of legos together one by one.
While waiting in line, suddenly a delicate girl with her pale skin glowing in the sun, her
face as small as the size of a peanut walks right up next to me holding a sparkly phone with
cute animal stickers on a selfie stick. Soon she holds the stick up and a small red light pops up
on her camera and she quickly puts on a bright smile with a small dimple on the side of her left
cheek radiating happiness to the people around her as she goes
“Hello everyone! Welcome back for another video, today we are at Jamsil Olympic
Stadium to see Red Velvet and many other groups, leave in the comment section which group
is your favourite!”.
Adrenaline shoots sky high as I hear loud screams echoing from the entrance of the
stadium, I tiptoe to look above hundreds of people that looked like buildings, turns out it was
fans screaming as they enter. Looking down onto my phone, a message from my brother at
3pm reminding me to go straight home after the concert,finally stepping forward a red light
appeared on my ticket and a beep sound went off. As I entered the stadium at 5:00pm sharp, a
beckoning with multicoloured lights appeared in different sections of the stadium. There were
many different colours glowing like gems waving across the sky. All held a stick of different
shapes and sizes, some came with an octagon shape, some had a square or bird shaped light
stick indicating which group they were representing.
My sweat is constantly dripping down my face and my legs shaking like an earthquake
as the clock starts ticking down to seven pm, top charted kpop songs blasted through the
speakers making the stadium shake. It is my lucky day as my seat has a good view of the
concert standing near the right side of the stage. The stadium is jam packed with people making
me hyperventilate. Reaching for my phone from my back pocket, it appears to be 6:04 pm,
painting the sky in many shades of orange, yellow and red like it’s giving me a warmhearted
smile as it sinks into the dark. Inside the stadium loud music continues to play one track after
another a different section within the stadium starts to scream as loud as they could when a
song from the group they are supporting is being played.
Then, as the music dimmed into the background a man wearing a dazzling suit with a
neatly tied bow entering the stage with a woman with long silky black hair with a slim face and
sharp eyes, wearing a fiery red dress flaming in confidence with breathtaking beauty. They
walked up to the microphone and gave their introductory speeches. Then the woman said “now
introducing TXT” and the crowds started screaming, whistling in disparity dripping with tears of
joy. The loud chants and sing-alongs from fans group after group.
After more performances finally entering on stage is my favourite kpop group called
Mamamoo. The lights were off, rustling noises from the microphone were heard from the
speakers. Approaching from the dark there are four figures, as the beat drops and the lights kick
in, there are four members named Moonbyul, Solar, Wheein and Hwasa. Panning up at the
screen is my favourite member Wheein, her movements look flawless like an alerted but elegant
male peacock spreading its feathers. Waving her luscious blue hair like a big ocean wave
heading to shore. Unexpectedly she slips on stage, making some people have an exclamation
mark face and some with their hands covering their mouths. Though the performance doesn’t
ends there, she continues to carry out the dance with a twist as she lands on the floor posing
like she has transformed into a beautiful mermaid then winks at the camera. Making the crowd
wail and yelp, the other members on stage interact with fans.
Right then and there is a person heading towards me, my vision gets clearer as the
person gets closer. The person turns out to be Moonbyul making eye contact with me as she
sings through her part and forms her hand in a gun and shoots at me as she leaves to the
center of the stage for the ending. My eyes wide open, not knowing how to react. An
overwhelming wave of emotions hits my face as tears of joy drip down like a glistening waterfall.
As the tears hit the ground, a high pressure landed on my face making me fall off my chair.
Looking up is NT standing in front of me saying:
“Stop daydreaming during class!”

A vibrant piece. Use "justify" for presentation. The "blazing" heat. A whooshing noise "is
coming". Interesting concept with the "Lego line". "Looked like" - paragraph 2. Keep in the
present tense. Some well-planned out structure in here with zooms, shifts of focus, etc, but a
tendency to report on what is going on, rather than show in full sensory detail. Some minor
errors of grammar, but rare, and an amusing ending.

Content and structure:7/10

Style and accuracy: 11/15
18/25