A.

Grump’s
Highly Practical Pocket Guide To

Medieval Costume

INCLUDES
DOCUMENTATION
FOR USING
POLYESTER AT
REENACTMENTS

FOLUMP ENTERPRISES
Urbana, Illinois
 A. Grump’s
Highly Practical Pocket Guide To

Medieval Costume
Dedication,—
to Phelan ab Emrys
Real Cool
Real Green
Real Herald

A. Grump’s Highly Practical

Pocket Guide To Medieval Costume
Copyright © 1988, 2005, 2016 Folump Enterprises
All Rights Reserved
Printed in the USA

First Edition—August 1988

Second Edition—August 2005
Third Edition—October 2016

ISBN 1-55680-031-2

PUBLISHED BY
Folump Enterprises
805 East Green
FOLUMP ENTERPRISES Urbana, IL 61802
Urbana, Illinois www.folump.com
 6 A. Grump’s

INTRODUCTION those who supported him during his years of wandering in the
wilderness.
If such Honours and recognition are not forthcoming, of course,
Persons contemplating the purchase of this volume might question then A. Grump will again be forced to quit reenacting.
its worth, noting—as the authenticity mullah has trained so many But let us not dwell on such melancholy matters. Instead, let us
to do—that the author is not an authenticity mullah, so what can cite the reasons for purchasing this volume: firstly, this is an
purchasing this book do to their reenacting potential. Allow me to eminently practical guide to medieval costume, dealing not with such
address that very question. esoterica as patterns, fabrics and threads but with how to get away
Let A. Grump first state that he should be an authenticity with the least amount of work; secondly, this is a convenient,
mullah, because he will bring compassion and humanity to that pocket-sized guide, so you won’t hurt yourself carrying it around; and
status! And while it is true that A. Grump is not authenticity mullah thirdly, it is a guide especially for medieval costume, not ancient
and is not recognized as such for his work in garb research and Egyptian or Victorian or something else worthless. Highly Practical.
design, it is equally true that he has not been termed an authenticity Pocket-Sized. Medieval Costume. Except for a few adjectives and
mullah for his historical research (cf. Anachronists Own History), his meaningless phrases, I think that says it all.
cookery (A. Grump’s Guide to Semi-Edible Medieval So-Called Foods, Thanks for your continued support.
forthcoming), his calligraphy (A. Grump’s Guide to Writing to People —A. Grump
who Can’t Read it, forthcoming), his music (A. Grump’s Guide to the
Medieval Blues, forthcoming), his bardic skills (A. Grump’s Lord Bjorn
Thunderthighs: Bold Viking Berserker and Wizard Trilogy in Four
Volumes, forthcoming), nor even for his efforts in the martial arts (A.
Grump’s Sword Jock Activity Book).
Not being privy to the discussions and decisions of the mullahs,
A. Grump can only assume that this is all because of professional
envy. A. Grump does not condemn the Mullahs for holding this most
human of emotions; rather, he feels sorry that their own pride
prohibits their recognition of his inherent mastery and can only hope
that one day they will mature out of their petty jealousies—perhaps
by reading this very tome—and recognize A. Grump as deserving of
the Honours he so richly deserves. If this is so, then you can rest
assured that A. Grump—who has compelled the cretins at Folump
Enterprise to keep cards with the names and home addresses of all
the purchasers of his volumes—will, as a new force among the
authenticity mullahs prove to be a loyal and generous patron to

THE THREE THEORIES
OF COSTUMERY
There are three theories of costuming in reenacting. These are:
1) Reenacting costumes must be exact duplicates of medieval
clothing.
2) Reenacting costumes must be—to the eye—a reasonable
duplicate of medieval clothing as depicted in Victorian
interpretations.
3) Reenacting garb must be different from modern-day clothing.
All three theories have their adherents, but a little bit of common
sense can help sort out the theories and choose the one that is best
for our purposes.
First of all, Theory #1 means a lot of research and work. At the
very least, this means that you will have a to check a book out of the
library and waste literally minutes of time figuring out how to make
the garb, not to mention all the time you will have to spend making
certain the finished garb looks like the one in the book. Now,
reenacting is supposed to be fun. Research and work are not—by
definition—fun unless you’re really strange. Therefore, we can
immediately discard Theory #1.
Theory #2 has been called the “cinematic” method. No one has
even quite explained this to my satisfaction, but I figure that the
reason it’s called cinematic is that you get the ideas for garb from
movies. This is a fairly good idea, but you have to be careful about
which movies you watch.
First, there are a lot of good medieval movies, like Legend,
Dragonslayer and, of course, The Lord of the Rings films. They’ve got
a lot of fight scenes and sex and magic, so you don’t mind watching
them while looking for ideas for garb. On the other hand, there are a
lot of mediocre and—to put it bluntly—just plain boring medieval
8 A. Grump’s
movies, like Name of the Rose, the Lion in Winter and the Agony and
the Ecstacy, which have almost no magic or fight scenes at all and
are really boring to watch. So when you see that a medieval movie is
playing on television, don’t plop right down and start watching. Read
the TV Guide to make certain that you won’t be wasting your time.
There is another big problem with Theory #2. Some of the older
movies are in black and white, so you have no idea what colors to
make the garb unless you’re listening really close and hear one
character tell another, “What a lovely red dress you’re wearing.”
Thankfully, some of these have been colorized, so you can tell what
colors the garb are supposed to be, which helps a lot when you’re
trying to design a new garb. Just check in your TV Guide to make
certain that you’re going to see the colorized version and not the
old-fashioned black-and-white version. If you don’t, you might find out
halfway through the movie that you’re wasting your time.
Theory #3 is, of course, the best and is, in fact, the method used
by many of the better movies and theatrical productions. It requires
no research at all and will not take away from the important aspects
of your reenacting participation: The Fun.
Unfortunately, many people think that anything different is all
right. That is, most emphatically, not so. There is an art to finding
the “right” different, that will enable you to blend into the reenacting
scene and not be immediately labeled a weenie. It is not enough
simply to pull on your grandfather’s zoot suit from the 194Os; that’s
a style that’s a couple hundred years out of our period. On the other
hand, if you have a buckskin outfit from your
great-great-grandfather, chances are that you could easily wear
that at a medieval event.
Sound tricky? It is. After years and years in existence, reenacting
has come up with some pretty outrageous customs and traditions;
and only someone really old who has been around for a long, long time
could even begin to appreciate this flow of tradition.
 HIGHLY PRACTICAL POCKET GUIDE TO MEDIEVAL COSTUME 9 10 A. Grump’s

RIGHT WRONG
Dusters Leisure suits
Long skirts Calico skirts CONVERTING
Rev War uniforms
Kilts
Civil War uniforms
Coveralls
THE MODERN-DAY INTO
Cowboy hats Pith Helmets THE MEDIEVAL
Cut-offs Bermuda Shorts
Black fishnet stockings Black fishnet stockings (for There are many people who say that human nature has not changed
(for women) men) much since the Middle Ages (although anyone who has tried to choke
Any con garb based on a Any con garb worn by Phil down some medieval “delicacy” will know what bullshit that is). I think
fantasy, sword & sorcery, Foglio (especially white tux it’s probably more true to say that the human figure has not
manga or role-playing and tails) changed much since the Middle Ages. After all, look in the mirror and
game character then at a figure from the Bayeaux Embroideery. Chances are that
Any con garb based on a Any con garb based on a you both and the figure will have one head, a couple arms and two or
science fiction or comic science fiction or comic three legs. If this is true, it means that the basic stuff that needs
character with a sword character without a sword to be covered hasn’t changed much in a thousand years, and it
Spandex Bow ties should be easy to convert stuff we wear today into stuff that they
Anything with Sean Connery Anything with Pee-Wee could have worn then.
on it Herman on it
Converting Women’s Garb
Women just have to wear a long skirt. As long as it doesn’t look
like something Miss Kitty wore on “Gunsmoke,” no one will say a
thing. Honest.

Converting Men’s Garb

Men have a little more trouble, but it is possible to transform
ordinary modern-day wear into a medieval garb. As an example, let us
assume that you are wearing a T-shirt, bluejeans and boots. Pretty
modern-day, huh? Yet, with only a little bit of effort, you can change
this into the height of medieval garbery:
1. Take off your belt.
2. Pull the bottom of your T-shirt out of your trousers and pull on
 HIGHLY PRACTICAL POCKET GUIDE TO MEDIEVAL COSTUME 11
it until it has stretched a few inches.
3. Replace the belt...over the T-shirt.
4. Stuff your trouser legs into your boots and blouse them up so
they look like Rus balloon trousers. (Or, if you’ve stretched the T-
shirt enough, just take off your trousers and put on a pair of
sandals; if you’re really ambitious, paint your legs black with shoe
polish and say you’re wearing tights.)~
5. Cut the sleeves of the T-shirts into points. If you have some nice
embroidered trim around, you could tape it around the collar.
And PRESTO! you have a medieval garb that many a knight would be
proud to wear (and probably did)!
12 A. Grump’s
13 TIPS ON GARBERY
11. Do not staple garb together. Use needle and thread. Although
this takes longer, thread does not rust the way staples do after
repeated washings.
12. When using fake fur, make certain that the color and patterns of
fur are close to those found in nature. Nothing can detract from
a well-done copy of Richard Gere’s Lancelot garb than a cloak
made out of purple and red plaid fur.
13. Accessories can make or break a good medieval garb. Good
accessories include a pouch, a knife, a Robin Hood hat and a
necklace. Bad accessories include a briefcase, an Uzi water pistol,
a baseball cap and a black leather dog collar with spikes.
 HIGHLY PRACTICAL POCKET GUIDE TO MEDIEVAL COSTUME 13 14 A. Grump’s

14. Some people use patterns when they make their medieval garb. the anal authenticist, not on people who want to have fun!
These people are stupid. If you either a) make the garb so bulky 13. Like many another ancient and quaint folk art, the Wet Chemise
that people don’t know if you look like Johnny Depp or Ving Rames Contest can be a profoundly inspiring experience. Although the
under it or b) you just use modern-day clothing that looks only equipment needed is a chemise, there are many subtleties
different, you’ll never have to worry about patterns. about the contest that the participants should remember:
15. When making Rus Balloon trousers, include a fly.
a. The chemise should be white.
16. When wearing medieval garb made out of polyester, make certain
b. The water should be cold (A. Grump reminds you that you
that you have a photocopy our enclosed documentation to shove
must suffer for your art!)
in the face of any authenticity mullah snob who sniffs at your
c. The chemise should not be made of canvas or any other
choice.
stiff, heavy, waterproof fabric.
17. Although it is possible to purchase medieval garb, there are both
d. Only the chemise should be worn.
advantages and disadvantages to this. The advantage is that all
the work is done by someone else. The disadvantage is that you
will probably have to pay for it.
18. When constructing a T-tunic, make certain that you are literate.
While M-tunics can sometimes work, W-tunics are embarrassing
and Q-tunics can be downright obscene.
19. Keep in mind that living-history T-shirts are just as good as
medieval garb in many parts of the reenacting world.
10. If people in the Middle Ages had tennis shoes, they would have
worn them.
11. Loincloths, while suitable in every technical way for use as
reenacting garb, may be unsuitable in terms of aesthetics. A
good way to determine whether a loincloth is suitable and
sufficient for you is to recall that another name for it is
G-string. If the “G” stands for “Geeeee,” then by all means wear
it; if it stands for “Good God Almighty, what’s that!” you might
reconsider its suitability for your body type.
12. Always refer to reenacting clothes as “garb.” This is because
calling them “costume” is like spitting in the wearer’s face! A.
Grump knows that wearing a garb can be itchy and the baling
twine chafes. But you must suffer for your art, so A. Grump
thinks that you should suck up the inconvenience and only spit on
Clothing Is the One Thing
That Separates
the Human Race
from the Beasts

But You Have to Admit:

A Monkey in Short Pants Is
Pretty Damned Funny!