50 things you should never say to your child

There’s so much parenting advice out there, it’s hard for parents to know what works and
what doesn’t when talking to kids. However, there are definitely some phrases that should
be avoided entirely, according to parenting experts and child psychologists.

1. It’s my way or the highway

According to a study done at the University of New Hampshire, children of authoritarian
parents—ones who demand compliance from children without an explanation of why
they’ve established rules and standards—are more likely to be disrespectful and get
themselves into trouble. They say having rules is fine, but respectful, two-way
communication with your kids is also important.
 2. You should be ashamed of yourself
Not only is shame unhealthy for people of all ages, it can make kids who have high self-
esteem act aggressively, according to researchers at the University of Michigan.
Narcissistic kids feel more threatened when they’re shamed, leading them to lash out and
respond defensively.
 3. You’re perfect
If your child has low self-esteem, you might think it’s a great idea to praise them highly
when they do something well. Not so, says Brad Bushman, professor of communication
and psychology at Ohio State. Instead, it might make them anxious about having to meet
high standards, which can lead to avoiding new challenges.
 4. You’re so special
Naturally, many parents think their children are special. But telling a child they are better
or more deserving of success than other kids can turn them into a little narcissist,
according to research done at Ohio State University. Narcissism isn’t just garden-variety
high self-esteem, but the belief that others are not as good.
 5. You’ll always be my little girl/boy
It’s natural for parents to want to protect their kids from harm. But it’s important to help
them develop the skills and emotional resources needed to grow into independent adults.
Otherwise, say University of Granada researchers, they may develop “Peter Pan
syndrome”: the desire to stay in adolescence forever, avoiding life’s responsibilities and
challenges.
 6. Everything’s OK, I’m not upset
Parents are often advised not to let their children see when they’re upset. But a new study
from the University of Toronto says hiding feelings can impede a “high quality parent-child
bond” and also make the parent feel worse. Researchers say gently acknowledging the
feelings in terms a child can understand may be the better approach.
 7. Why is this a B and not an A?
It’s fine to have high aspirations for a child’s academic success—so long as those
expectations are realistic. If they match what a kid is capable of, they’re likely to be
successful in school, but if parents expect too much, academic performance often suffers.
It’s better to support their achievements, rather than demand perfection, says the
American Psychological Association.
 8. Stop eating so much, you’re getting fat
Promoting healthy eating is great, but making negative comments about a child’s weight?
Not so much. Women whose parents make disparaging, weight-related comments grow
up to be more dissatisfied with their bodies and may also have higher adult body weights.
Instead, says psychologist Alexis Conason, get kids involved in food preparation and
enjoyable physical activity.
 9. Eat your spinach, it’ll make you strong
Of course, children should eat healthy foods that will help them grow and thrive. But telling
kids that a food is good for them can actually make them want to eat less of it, not more.
Experts say parents should focus more on the enjoyable taste of the food, not on its
nutritional benefits.
 10. Ugh, I’m so fat, I need to go on a diet
Kids hear and internalize what parents say, and hearing a parent speak negatively about
their body weight or eating habits can lead them to believe that they also need to restrict
food (at a time when they’re growing) or that exercise is a punishment, not an enjoyable
part of a healthy life.
 11. Wait till your father gets home!
This phrase is so common, it was the name of a cartoon in the ’80s. But psychologist Dr.
Jeffrey Bernstein says delaying consequences for negative behaviour “just gives defiant
children time to rev up and become more likely to avoid taking responsibility for their
actions.” He says immediate, appropriate consequences are more effective in helping
children learn.
 12. Stop it or else I’ll (and then you don’t)
Kids learn quickly that if you give them an “if . . . then” statement, but never follow through,
they can safely ignore you and keep misbehaving. Psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein
advises parents to be consistent with discipline if they want it to actually work.
 13. You’re so smart!
Repeatedly telling a child they’re smart might actually limit their future success and
learning. If kids always hear that they are smart, they may develop a mindset that tells
them their skills and abilities are fixed and will never change. But if parents instead praise
a child’s efforts, they learn that they have the ability to improve.
 14. If you eat all your dinner, you can have dessert
Using food as a reward can seem like a great motivator, but providing dessert for good
behaviour (and withholding it for bad) can actually have a negative effect on your child’s
health by teaching them that “sometimes foods” such as sweets are most desirable,
thereby undermining learning about healthy eating.
 15. Because I said so!
Parenting expert Amy McCready says this phrase just plain doesn’t work and only creates
a power struggle with your child. She offers four alternative solutions to deal with bad
behaviour, all of which still seek collaboration and respect from your kid, but also offer it
in return.
 16. Those are the rules, and they’re not open for debate
Parenting book author Dr. Marianne Neifert says kids definitely need rules, because they
help prepare children for the world and provide a sense of stability and order. But she
says strict rules implemented without discussion or consideration of a child’s personality
or needs can increase conflict, whereas allowing your child some input might actually
improve their compliance.
 17. You’re just lazy
If a child sleeps all day, refuses to do chores, and never wants to go anywhere, it could
be tempting to call them lazy. But doing so is unhelpful and shaming, and may not even
be true. Lack of motivation can have many causes, including stress, boredom, and
disorganization, so it’s important to look for the root of the issue.
 18. I’m not discussing that with you
Tough conversations are part of parenting, and Australian parenting experts say it’s
important that kids feel comfortable bringing their questions or concerns to you. Whether
it’s death, sex, divorce, illness, or some other challenging issue, there are positive, age-
appropriate ways to discuss it with your kids.
 19. I’ve told you a million times not to do that!
Many parents experience the frustration of telling their child over and over to do (or not
do) something, and being ignored or disobeyed. Child psychologist Alan Kazdin
says that’s because giving instructions just doesn’t work well to change human behaviour.
So what does work? Rewarding children for positive behaviour, instead of trying to alter
or control bad behaviour.
 20. Go to your room until you calm down
Sure, it might stop the yelling or the tantrum, but it also teaches a child that anger is bad
and you only love them when they are quiet and good. It’s more helpful to stay with the
child, acknowledge their anger, and reassure them you’re listening and want to help them
feel better.
 21. What’s wrong with you?
Parenting coach Erica Reischer says this is a shaming response that makes everything
about the situation the child’s fault and implies that they are flawed and unacceptable
people, rather than humans who make mistakes. It also doesn’t deal with the motivation
behind the behaviour and prevent it from recurring. She says a simple “I don’t like that
behaviour” works better.
 22. Leave me alone!
Parents who repeatedly ask a child to stop bothering them can result in the child feeling
like there’s no point in trying to talk to mom or dad, says parenting author Paula Spencer.
It’s fine to ask a child to occupy themselves elsewhere for a while, she says, but be
realistic about expectations—a toddler can’t paint quietly for an hour.
 23. Boys don’t cry
First of all, it’s not true, says developmental psychology professor Christia Spears Brown:
everyone cries sometimes. Second, crying can be a healthy response to negative
emotions. Preventing boys from crying doesn’t make their feelings disappear; often, they
are simply re-routed into anger and aggression, including fighting, and can lead to
difficulty handling emotions later in life.
 24. That food is so bad for you
Parents may be tempted to label foods like cake and chips “bad,” and ones like fruits and
vegetables “good.” However, nutrition expert Casey Seidenberg says this can cause
children to believe they are bad for liking so-called “bad” foods. She prefers to explain
that certain foods are “sometimes” foods, while others give our bodies more energy to be
active.
 25. Clean your plate, there are children starving in Africa
Children, like adults, have sensations that help them know when they are hungry and
when they are full, so insisting they clean their plate teaches them to ignore their own
hunger and satiety cues and overeat. If kids say they are full, experts like Dr. Kristin Fuller
say it’s OK to let them stop eating.
 26. You don’t want to get fat, do you?
Many parents worry about child obesity, and the media feeds into that fear. But Parents
magazine says if kids grow up believing it’s terrible to be fat, they may be at risk of
developing an eating disorder or spending their lives dieting and feeling bad about
themselves. Instead, help kids learn about healthy eating, body positivity, and joyful
movement.
 27. Yeah, I did drugs when I was younger
Parents might think telling a child about their past makes them more relatable, but if they
are hoping to prevent a child from experimenting with drugs, researchers say these efforts
are more successful if parents don’t tell kids what they did when they were younger.
Instead, deliver a strong but positive anti-drug message.
 28. Good job!
This one—and its variants “well done!” and “you did great!”—are what parenting
psychologist Jim Taylor calls “lazy praise.” It focuses on the outcome, not on what the
child did to get there. Praising a child’s efforts or commending the actions they took to
succeed is more effective at boosting competence and self-esteem.
 29. You’re driving me crazy!
It might be true, but that doesn’t mean a parent should say it to a child, says parenting
coach Erica Reischer, because it tries to guilt them into changing their behaviour—not a
great relationship-builder. It also implies that they are responsible for the parent’s feelings,
which can breed anxiety and low self-esteem in children.
 30. Don’t you dare talk back to me!
It may be hard not to snap when a kid sasses back, but parents need to set the tone for
a calmer conversation and restate expectations for the child. Responding to backtalk with
anger doesn’t teach kids how to communicate better; in fact, parenting expert Laura
Markham says that “if we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the
behaviour.”
 31. Stop crying right now!
Everyone has feelings, and kids are no exception, so it’s unreasonable to expect them
not to cry when they’re upset or frightened. Crying can be healthy, and shaming a child
for doing so dismisses their emotions and won’t help them learn to deal with them in
positive ways, according to parenting experts.
 32. Stop whining
Asking a child to stop whining rarely works. Far more effective, says parenting educator
Amy McCready, is preparing for future problems by calmly informing kids that whining
won’t receive a response. Then follow through when they start, by leaving the room and
not engaging with them until the whining stops.
 33. I have to yell at you to get you to do anything!
Actually, a study at the University of Pittsburgh found that yelling at kids (teenagers in
particular) had the opposite effect: harsh verbal discipline was not only ineffective at
changing behaviour, it made kids less likely to listen and more likely to act out, as well as
increasing symptoms of depression.
 34. You’re doing that wrong, let me show you
When kids are playing or being creative, parents should refrain from trying to “take over,”
manage, or control the child’s actions. Doing so communicates to the child that what they
want doesn’t really matter, which undermines self-esteem and ultimately makes them
less, not more, cooperative, say researchers at Purdue University.
 35. You’re so . . .
Stupid. Klutzy. Selfish. Scatterbrained. Whatever the word, when a parent labels their kid,
that label has a way of sticking in their mind and getting internalized. It’s more constructive
to focus on the problematic behaviour rather than attributing it to a child’s essential self
or personality and having them go through life thinking they are stupid.
 36. You will obey me!
Obedience may seem like a wonderful trait in a child, but total obedience can erode a
child’s ability to stand up for themselves in dangerous situations and prevent them from
learning to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, parents should try to build
relationships with their child based on respect and cooperation, says parenting expert
Laura Markham.
 37. Do whatever you want
Parents who never say no to their kids are in for as many challenges as those who never
say yes, according to parent educators Kim DeMarchi and Ann DeWitt. Children need to
learn self-discipline and require limits and boundaries to stay safe and gain confidence.
Without them, they may feel as though their parents don’t care about their well-being.
 38. Well, you really screwed that up
Everyone makes mistakes, and kids make a lot of them, so how a parent handles these
instances is important. Parenting expert Christine Carter says it’s best not to express
anger or threaten to withdraw love from a child when they make a mistake, but instead
empathize with them and gently ask what they might do differently next time.
 39. Why can’t you be more like your sibling?
It’s tempting to try to push an underperforming or misbehaving child to do better by
comparing them to their siblings. But in comparisons there is always a winner and a loser.
All children, like adults, are individuals and have their own strengths and weaknesses,
so all comparing does is make them feel inferior, says parenting expert Rachel Raybin.
 40. When I was your age . . .
When a parent sets themselves up as a good example to follow, especially to older kids
or teens, the child may feel put down, and they’ll probably just tune it out, says
psychotherapist Sean Grover. Older children are in the process of trying to grow into
individuals, and a parent’s job is to help them do just that.
 41. You can’t be hungry/thirsty/tired
If a child tells a parent they feel something, don’t deny their feelings—acknowledge them.
Whether or not their specific need can be met at that time (for a snack, a glass of water,
or a nap), it’s important that children feel heard and understood by their parents.
 42. Say thank you to your aunt (or whoever)
Public coercion and reinforcement of manners is probably not the best way to develop
polite kids, says leadership expert David Marquet. Instead, prepare kids for social
situations ahead of time, help them figure out what to say, and debrief afterward to see
how it went and plot strategies for improvement.
 43. Don’t do that!
If a child isn’t listening when a parent reprimands them, that energy may be redirected by
informing them what behaviour would be preferable, rather than what not to do. If they’re
running, ask them to walk; if they’re throwing things, ask them to sit down and hold onto
the object, and so forth.
 44. That happened to me and I turned out fine
When a parent dismisses a child’s experience or sadness by saying they had a similar
experience and it didn’t hurt them, it diminishes the child’s feelings and makes them feel
alone. Instead, parents can ask how they feel and find commonality in a shared emotion,
like telling them about a time they did feel scared or sad.
 45. I’m not your parent, I’m your friend
Parents who try to act like their child’s friend often make mistakes like oversharing and
setting inadequate limits or boundaries. When parents treat their kids like their friends,
revealing their vulnerabilities and worries, the child may become anxious and feel as
though the parent needs them for advice and support, instead of the other way around.
 46. You’re such a good girl/boy
Children who are praised in this way learn quickly that good behaviour means they’re a
good person and bad behaviour means the opposite. They begin to repress negative
emotions and impulses, which may burst forth at inappropriate times and cause more
difficulty. Instead, teach kids that everyone has negative emotions and help them learn to
express them safely.
 47. Do as I say, not as I do
Kids recognize hypocrisy when they see it, and although they may not do the thing they’re
being told not to, they will point out whenever the parent breaks the rule, whether it’s “no
phones at the table” or “no smoking/drugs/swearing.” They may also mimic the behaviour
once they’re old enough to decide for themselves.
 48. I know exactly how you feel
It’s easy for parents to assume they know how a child is feeling. But if parents want
children to open up and share what they are feeling, and why they may be acting out or
causing conflict, it’s a good idea to practise active listening by asking how the child is
feeling, instead of telling them or assuming.
 49. I’ll never forgive them
Kids learn about forgiveness from their parents, says psychologist Eileen Kennedy-
Moore, so if an adult holds grudges or severs relationships after a single incident, children
may mimic that behaviour. Conversely, if a parent forgives too quickly, the child may not
learn to defend themselves. Parents should help kids learn when to let something go and
when to walk away.
 50. Can you keep a secret?
Teaching children to keep secrets can be problematic, says child social worker Amy
Morin, if they don’t understand the difference between secrets and fun surprises (like not
telling Dad what his birthday gift is) or privacy, which both kids and adults need
sometimes. Children need to know they can always tell trusted adults when something
doesn’t feel right.