Death of a Parent - Saying Good-Bye

to Mommy or Daddy

by Diana L.M.I. Dawson

Coping with the death of a loved one is never easy, regardless of how old you are when that
loss occurs. For children who lose a parent, however, the effects can be devastating, indeed,
and a plan will need to be put in place so that they can learn to accept this part of the life cycle
and move on in a healthy, balanced manner.

Understanding Grief

It's important to understand that grief will be expressed differently by each person, and that
there's no "right" way to grieve. In fact, there's no specific point at which children should be
expected to show signs of having coped with the loss of their parent. The expression, "process
of grieving," is an accurate description of what must take place, since this can only happen
over time and is expressed through certain stages of behavior and their related emotions. In
other words, grief isn't a single event; it's a series of steps that children must grow through in
order to come to the acceptance of their particular loss. The philosophy that they should
simply "keep a stiff upper lip" doesn't apply and isn't an appropriate goal to set for children if
they're going to work through their grief without serious consequences ? behaviorally,
emotionally or otherwise.

Although you might expect that children will show more signs of grief when the deceased
parent was one with whom they had formed a particularly strong bond, that isn't always the
case. In fact, greater emotional trauma may be experienced when the parent/child bond wasn't
strong, simply because there are unresolved issues. In the case of abused children, for
instance, exquisite emotional pain may be felt due to the inability to improve the relationship
between parent and child before their demise. As a result, those children are often left with
feelings of pain and rejection, without the opportunity to somehow "make it right". Typically,
questions such as, "Didn't mom/dad love me?," "Did mom/dad ever feel sorry for what they
did?," and "What did I do wrong to make them treat me that way?" will haunt children who
have been the victims of abusive parents. As a result, part of their grieving process will
include the pain of never knowing the answers to the questions that are the most significant to
them. Even if it first appears that there's a feeling of relief when these children realize that
their tormenter is gone, those questions will eventually surface, as well as the pain and
feelings of rejection that are associated with them.

Expressions of Grief in Children

The approach to a child's grieving process will need to take into consideration their age,
developmental level and ability to understand the implications of what's actually happened.
Often, they look to other significant adults in their midst in order to gauge the types of
reactions that they're having to the loss. If, for instance, the adults appear to be showing a
"strong face," then children will often react differently than they would to an adult who
openly cries. By watching those around them, children will begin to perceive what form of
grief is "acceptable".

Questions ? When children don't understand what's happening around them, they often hit the
adults with a barrage of questions. This is also true in the case of a death ? especially when
dealing with younger children. Often, the same questions will be asked repeatedly as they
struggle to understand the concept of death and how it will impact their young lives. If they're
a bit older, these questions can be their way of trying to accept what's happened as they work
through their disbelief that the parent is actually gone, even though they do understand the
general concept.

Shock ? As adults, the shock that's brought about by a trauma can manifest itself in a variety
of ways. Children are no different in their approach to something of this magnitude. While
some may sob inconsolably, others may show no apparent emotion, whatsoever, appearing to
be unaffected by the event. For those adults who are part of their support system, it's
important to remember that this is typically just a way for children to remove themselves from
the pain of the circumstances until they're able to cope with their loss more constructively.

Regression ? Don't be surprised if you find that children who have recently lost a parent begin
to show signs of behavioral regression. In order to receive the comfort that they need during
this type of crisis, some children will exhibit the desire to be rocked as they were when they
were much younger, or to be held quite frequently. Other forms of regressive behavior include
separation anxiety from significant adults, difficulty performing tasks that fall within their age
and ability range (which they had been performing prior to the death of the parent) and the
need to sleep in the bed of the deceased parent. The philosophy behind this is quite simple ?
children need to be protected and made to feel safe from that which poses a threat, whether it's
mental, emotional or physical. Naturally, they normally turn toward a parent or other
significant adult in order to receive this protection. Since these behaviors are indicative of the
"protective parent" scenario, it's understandable that children may seek out these types of
comforts when faced with grief of this nature ? much in the same way that, when something
threatens their security, the first thing they do is call for "mommy".

Explosions ? When something happens that's beyond our ability to control it, we're often
faced with feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, fear or helplessness. Children, who are
even more vulnerable to the effects of such tragedies, will often act out with explosive
emotions. Naturally, one of their first thoughts is that they want their parent back, but they
know that they're incapable of making this happen. With no opportunity to change their
circumstances, the feelings that are associated with them are often vented through explosive
bursts of emotion or negative behavior.

Becoming Part of a Positive Support System

In order to be part of a positive support system for children who have lost a parent, certain
steps must be taken that will help them to cope with their loss and eventually move onward.
You should expect that this may be a lengthy process, so patience will need to be practiced, if
you're going to be a successful member of the support team.

Practice Effective Listening ? One of the best ways for children to work through their
emotions is to be able to talk about them with an adult who's willing to listen ? without lots of
interruptions ? and not react negatively to what they have to say. Even if anger or resentment
bubbles to the surface, realize that this is natural and don't berate them for their feelings. Just
as important is the willingness to validate their feelings. For example, if they express an angry
sentiment, don't respond by telling them that they shouldn't feel that way. The fact is that they
do have those emotions and are entitled to express them. Instead, it would be better to say,
"Yes, I can understand why you feel that way."
Learn to Individualize Children's Reactions ? Children are individuals and, to that end, will
have their own unique reactions to the loss of a parent. It's critical, then, not to lump them all
together in a compartment that you've labeled, "children," or you won't be an effective
member of the support team. Their lives, experiences and perceptions are all different, and
their reactions to the death of a loved one will be different, as a result of those variables.
Therefore, you must approach them on their own level, if you hope to be of help.

Incorporate Others into the Support Plan ? Naturally, it's important to implement a strong
support plan for children in their home environment. They don't, however, spend every
waking moment at home, so the support team will need to extend beyond those boundaries.
Schools, friends and other relatives will need to be involved in helping them to cope with the
loss of their parent ? as well as anyone who comes into contact with them through
extracurricular activities, such as dance class, scouting, sports, etc. If possible, have a meeting
with school staff members and other significant people in their lives, so that a solid plan can
be established for maintaining positive support for the children ? regardless of where they are
at any given point of the day. Consistency is the key to effective support, but that can't be
accomplished unless everyone's "in the loop".

Be Honest and Forthright ? Children, like adults, deserve the truth about the circumstances
that impact their lives. While you may approach the situation a bit differently when children
are involved, you should still strive to be honest about the circumstances that surround the
loss of their parent and don't tell them "little white lies" in order to protect them from the
consequence of pain. They're already experiencing pain, and if they perceive that you're not
being on the level with them ? and they will! ? then that will only lead to further pain and
some distrust on their part. In addition, they'll wonder why you lied and will feel that it's a
negative reflection on them. In other words, they'll think that you didn't trust them enough to
be honest about the situation.

Explain the Life Cycle ? It isn't enough for children to be told that they've just lost a parent.
Some form of understanding must go along with this, and it's up to the remaining adults to
ensure that this happens in a manner in which they understand. One of the ways to help
children understand what's really happened is to explain the cycle of life to them. In this way,
they'll not only understand that what's happened is natural, but will also understand that
they're not alone, and that everyone must eventually face the death of a loved one. When a
parent is lost, kids often feel as though no-one else can understand, because they don't always
recognize the fact that many other people have also lost a parent. When they look around at
their friends who still have both parents, they can feel isolated and ? in some cases ? even feel
as though they're being punished because their parent has died, while others still have their
parents. By understanding the life cycle, this is less likely to have such a strong impact on
them.

Invite Questions About Death ? There are some topics that no-one seems to feel comfortable
talking about, and death is often one of them ? especially when children are involved. In order
to truly be of help to children who have recently lost a parent, however, you're going to need
to get beyond those feelings of discomfort and invite them to ask any questions that they may
have regarding death and its implications. Some approach this type of tragedy from a religious
angle, while others choose to present the situation in a more generic way, by discussing the
role that all living creatures take in the world, and that their roles will eventually end one day.
Regardless of the approach, children should be made to feel comfortable about asking
questions, and adults should feel just as comfortable answering them. If you're worried about
not knowing the way to correctly address a particular question, simply be honest about the
fact that you're unsure of the answer. No-one can be expected to know everything, and kids
will respect the fact that you're honest enough to admit the fact that you can't always answer
the questions that they pose.

Stay in it for the Long Haul ? All too often, people will gather 'round a grieving family and
offer support in the short term, but their show of support evaporates in very short order.
Understand that, when you're the member of a support team ? especially for children ? it
requires a lengthy commitment. Since grieving is a process that can be quite slow, it may take
a serious amount of time before children can grieve effectively, accept the loss of the parent
and move on to live their lives in a healthy way. If they've already had a number of
difficulties or losses in their lives, then the loss of their parent is inclined to trigger an even
greater degree of trauma, and those who belong to their support system must be prepared to
stay with them through the highs and lows ? no matter how long it takes.

Children's Perceptions of Death

Death is perceived on different levels by children of different ages. Since their understanding
of death will help them to work through the grieving process when they've lost a parent, it's
important that those who surround them know how to relate to them, in order to effectively
support them as they work through their grief.

Infants/Toddlers ? The most that will be understood by children of this age is that those who
surround them appear to feel sad about something, but they'll have no idea why. Although
they may notice that someone significant is missing, they may be too young to be able to link
the two circumstances.

Preschool ? Children of this age may appear, at first, to understand the basic concept of death,
but don't typically see this as being something "unchangeable". Since kids in this age bracket
often see things in terms of fantasy or magic, they tend to see the separation as temporary and
genuinely believe that the person can be brought back from death ? if only they wish hard
enough.

Elementary School ? Between the ages of five and nine, children begin to have a better
understanding of death and its irreversibility. Through talking with family and friends, as well
as discussions in their classrooms, a more realistic picture of the causes of death and the
impact that a parent's death has on the remaining members of the family comes into focus.
The tendency of this age group, however, is to believe that it couldn't happen to them or any
of their friends or family members. So, while they understand it on its elemental level, they
don't carry it to its fullest conclusion ? particularly if they're at the younger end of the
Elementary School spectrum.

Middle School ? Children of this age certainly have a far better understanding of the concept
of death, but are often impaired in their grieving process by feelings of injustice. For example,
kids of the Middle School age group often feel that it "isn't fair" that they should lose a parent,
although they do understand that certain illnesses and accidents are responsible for bringing
about someone's death. Problems with behavior are often noted in children of this age when a
parent is lost.
High School ? These young adults certainly understand death, but don't often know how to
vent their grief properly. They may withdraw or express themselves in violent outbursts, but
the healthier ones will tend to seek solace in others. Whether this is a friend, surviving parent,
sibling or other significant person in their lives, they'll reach out to those with whom they feel
a special bond in order to find the comfort that they need when they're grieving. Since the teen
years are difficult enough, and a number of them exhibit suicidal tendencies, it's extremely
important to remember that those of this age group still need a strong support team and that
their own ability to cope with their loss should never simply be assumed.

Summary

What it all boils down to is that, regardless of the age of the children, they all need to be
related to in a kind, understanding and patient way when they're struggling to cope with the
loss of a parent. Although the age and circumstances surrounding their lives will require
different approaches, a positive support system needs to be put into effect and practiced by
those who are consistent figures in their every day lives, as well as the willingness to continue
supporting them for the duration of their grieving process.

Diana L.M.I. Dawson is an award winning freelance writer with 30 years of experience in the
literary field. In addition to the recognition that she's enjoyed through the writing of articles,
she has also excelled in the area of poetry, having been named Poet of the Year for three
consecutive years, as well as International Poet of Merit. Other awards include the
Shakespearean Award for Literary Excellence and the President's Award for Outstanding
Literature. She is currently listed in the International Who's Who in Poetry, as well as in the
Best New Poets of the 20th Century, and is a direct descendent of Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Recommended Reading

he Death of a Parent: Working with Grieving Children and Teens

The death of a parent is the most elemental loss that a child can experience. Many in our
culture believe that children cannot understand death and lack the capacity to grieve. Because
of this misconception, coupled with confusion and anxiety in communicating with children
about death, children are often told that the dead parent has simply “gone away.” Shielding
children from death deprives them of the ability to grieve and ultimately heal.

The age and stage of development of a child at the time of his or her parent’s death will
strongly influence the ways in which the child reacts and adapts to the loss. An
understanding of the child’s emotional and cognitive development can enable caregivers and
professionals to determine how best to communicate about death with the particular child, to
understand and empathize with the child’s experience and guide the child through the grieving
and healing process.

The Interdependence of Grief and Development

Childhood grief and development are interdependent: the early death of a parent affects a
child’s development, and the child’s development affects how he or she will grieve and
reconstruct his or her relationship with the deceased parent. Furthermore, children re-
experience their grief as they reach each milestone in their development. The deceased parent
is a “missing piece” (quoting the poem by Shel Silverstein) that the child needs to reconstruct
in order to provide himself with a “history of his past that he could then build on, alter and
modify with changing developmental concerns….During each succeeding developmental
stage, he may need to step back and…reconstitute the missing piece” (Garber, 1988, p. 272).

Capacity to Grieve and Understand Death’s Finality

There has been much controversy concerning when children develop the capacity to grieve
and understand the finality of death. Some believe that a child cannot truly grieve until
adolescence, when he or she has become “fully differentiated” and has achieved the cognitive
level of formal operational thinking. In contrast John Bowlby, in his studies of attachment,
believed that infants as young as six months experience grief reactions similar to those of
adults. Some theorists believe that the capacity to grieve begins at the cognitive stage of
object permanence, around the age of one and one-half to two, while others believe that this
capacity begins at approximately three years old, when the child has reached the
psychological stage of object constancy, i.e., “a coherent mental representation of important
attachment figures.” (Worden, 1996, pp. 9-10, citing Bowlby (1963, 1980) and R. Furman
(1964)).

A child’s ability to understand the meaning and finality of death corresponds to his or her
cognitive development. A three to five year old, in the preoperational stage, believes that the
deceased person has gone away and will return at some point. Thus, it is common for a child
of this age to constantly ask questions such as “Where’s Daddy?” and “When is Mommy
coming home?” A child of five to approximately nine years of age, in the concrete operational
stage of cognitive development believes that death can be avoided. Furthermore, a child in
this egocentric phase also believes that his or her parent died because either the parent was
bad or the child was bad, and that if the child is good, the parent can return. This is thus seen
as one of the most vulnerable and difficult developmental stages for adjusting to a parent’s
death. The child at this stage needs someone who can clarify what the child is thinking and
feeling, can reframe events to make them more understandable, can reassure and build self-
esteem by praising the child’s accomplishments and by emphasizing the child’s importance.
Research has found that children over the age of nine generally have a realistic understanding
of the inevitability and finality of death. However, although children over nine years of age
understand death’s finality, their reactions to a parent’s death is determined by their cognitive
and emotional level of development and other factors such as gender and the relationship with
the surviving parent.

Tasks of Children’s Mourning

The noted grief counselor and expert J. William Worden has identified four tasks of
mourning: (1) accepting the reality of the loss, (2) experiencing the pain and emotional
aspects of the loss, (3) adjusting to an environment without the deceased, and (4) relocating
the dead person in one’s life. The satisfactory completion of these tasks depends on both the
child’s stage of development at the time of the death and his or her adaptability and ability to
attend to any unfinished tasks at later stages of development.
Accepting the Reality of the Loss

A child can accept the reality of losing a parent when he or she understands, through the
achievement of operational thinking, “the nature of abstractions such as finality and
irreversibility” (Worden, 1996, p 13, citing Piaget, 1954). Some grasp of such abstractions is
possible during the concrete operational stage of cognitive development, and is only fully
understood at the formal operational stage. Thus, if a parent dies before formal operational
cognition has been achieved, the child will experience a deeper level of grief when he or she
attains that cognitive stage and fully and deeply comprehends the finality and irreversibility of
the loss. This usually occurs in early adolescence, another particularly vulnerable time in the
process of adjusting to a parent’s death and in overall development. Christ (2000, pp. 190-91)
calls the adolescent’s profound experience of his or her loss due to the attainment of formal
operational thinking, coupled with adolescent developmental tasks such as separating from
family, negotiating a more adult relationship with the surviving parent, finding one’s identity
and true values and deepening relationships with peers “daunting challenges for adolescents
that often exacerbate pre-existing vulnerabilities.”

Experiencing the Pain and Emotional Aspects of the Loss

The pain and emotion involved with death, generally called the mourning process, can be
frightening for a child both to experience and to witness in others. Awareness of the child’s
capacity based on his or her stage of emotional development to cope with strong emotions is
important. For example, as noted above, children of approximately five to seven years of age
are very vulnerable. They can understand death’s permanence on some level, but lack the ego
strength and socialization to deal with the intensity of the loss. It is therefore important for
the surviving parent and others in the child’s life to model and express their grief without
overwhelm, so that the child can be less afraid of his or her own feelings. The egocentric
magical thinking of children at this age compounds that vulnerability when they believe that
they were somehow the cause of the death and that they can do something about it. It is
therefore important for grief therapists and the child's caregivers to assure children at this
vulnerable stage that they were not the cause of their loved one's death.

Adjusting to an Environment without the Deceased Parent

This task is an ongoing process through progressive stages of development as well as

important transitions throughout one’s lifetime. The child-- as well as the adult he or she will
become -- re-experiences his or her grief at each stage of development as a result of his or her
growing cognitive abilities, and also as he or she comprehends the vacuum left by the dead
parent, who is not there to nurture and support the child’s growth and achievements. In
addition, the child’s grief will be experienced, and the loss of the parent acutely felt, at times
of life transitions such as birthdays, graduation, leaving home, marrying and having a child of
one’s own. It is thus important that parents, caregivers and therapists not minimize the
reoccurrence of grief, but to support the child or adult through this new stage of adjusting to
life without the parent.

Relocating the Dead Parent in One’s Life

As the child grows and changes, his or her relationship with the deceased parent also changes.
Thus, according to Worden (1996), another ongoing task is to find new ways to memorialize
the parent with the attainment of each developmental milestone: The loss of a parent in a
child’s infancy, especially if that parent was the primary caregiver, will inevitably lead to
difficulties in attachment and trust, and consequent feelings of anger or depression as the
child grows and is unable to attach or become intimate with others. In order for such an
individual to successfully relocate and internalize the deceased parent, as well as complete
Worden’s other tasks, he or she will need to transfer the process to other figures, such as a
trusted teacher or therapist, in order to reconstruct his or her parental loss and the deceased
parent’s place in his or her life, and it is the job of the grief therapist and others in the child's
life to support and facilitate that process.

The Many Faces of A Child’s Grief

Grief is not a “one size fits all” proposition. Many factors affect a child’s grief process and
adjustment to life without the dead parent. Factors affecting the child’s grief and bereavement
process include the gender of the child and deceased parent, the child’s relationship with the
surviving parent, the effect of the death on the surviving parent, the preparation and
information regarding the death accorded to the child and the family’s strengths and
resources. An understanding of these factors and of the child’s emotional and cognitive
development is crucial for a therapist or caregiver to support the child’s completion of the
tasks of mourning and enable him or her to internalize the “missing piece” through grieving
and healing.

References

Baker, J.E. & Sedney, M.A. (1966). How Bereaved Children Cope with Loss: An Overview.
In Corr, C. & Corr (Eds.), Handbook of Childhood Death and Bereavement. New York:
Springer Publishing Company.

Christ, G.H. (2000). Healing Children’s Grief: Surviving a Parent’s Death from Cancer.
New York: Oxford University Press.

Fogarty, J. (2000). The Magical Thoughts of Grieving Children: Treating Children with
Complicated Mourning and Advice for Parents. Amityville, New York: Baywood Publishing
Company.

Garber, B. (1966). Construction and Reconstruction in a Case of Parent Loss. In Altschul, S.

(Ed.) Childhood Bereavement and its Aftermath. Madison, Ct.: International Universities
Press.

Worden, W. (1996). Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies. New York: Guildford Pre