...The F*ck Am I Doing?

___________________________

A Song Cycle

By Ali Keller & Emily Rose Simons

2019 Draft
 ii.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

The cast of characters below reflects the original production, but please adjust casting for more or fewer
depending on what your production needs. Please also feel free to change the genders or ages of the
characters or change which characters sing which songs. We'd love this song cycle to be as inclusive as
possible.

OPIE - 20s, male, meek with heart of gold

WENDY - 20s, female, extremely observant, almost never says what she's really thinking

LYNN - 20s, female, a powerhouse, religious

JO - 20s, female, loud and lively, keeps almost no thoughts to herself

TOM - 20s, male, a loveable bro who feels more than they let on
 iii.

SONG LIST

1. HOME
2. FOR THE 'GRAM
3. FRIENDSHIP SONG
4. BE OKAY
5. TRUST ME WITH ME
6. I NEVER QUESTIONED YOU
7. LET ME IN
8. I'M SORRY
9. FUCKING ABSURD
10. HE LISTENED TO ME
11. CAN'T DO THAT WITH YOU
12. THE LAUNDRY SONG
13. BLACK METAL LINES
14. YOU SAW ME
15. WHAT IF...
16. I DON'T LIKE BABIES
17. HOME (REPRISE)
SONG #1 - HOME

Lights up on a doorway. OPIE, a meek man in his

20s, stands in one of the doorways.

OPIE
HOW DID
I GET HERE?
I’VE BEEN HERE
A WHILE.
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

JO, a lively woman in her 20s, stands in front of

another doorway, posing with her phone.

JO
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

LYNN, a powerhouse woman in her 20s, stands in

front of a doorway that resembles a cathedral
entrance.

LYNN
I DON’T KNOW
HOW LONG I’VE
BEEN STUCK HERE.
OPIE
GROWN UP HERE.
SO DONE HERE.

LYNN
I’M DONE HERE?

Lights up on the rest of the stage revealing

mismatched doors all over the stage - some are
bright colors, some are shiny and new, some are
fancy, some are vintage, some are shitty and old.

WENDY, an observant woman in her 20s, and TOM,

a loveable bro in his 20s, each stand in front of a
door.
 2.

ALL
HOW LONG HAS THAT FELT TRUE?

They all walk through their doors throughout the

next section.

ALL
I REMEMBER LEAVING AND DREAMING,

WENDY OPIE
BELIEVING. BELIEVING.

ALL
I REMEMBER THINKING,
HERE WOULD BE THE PERFECT,

WENDY LYNN
PERSON - PERSON -

TOM
PLACE -

OPIE JO
WAY - WAY -

ALL
TO BRANCH OUT ON MY OWN.
BUT HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN -

They look at their doors.

ALL (CONT’D)
THIS ISN’T HOME.
THIS ISN’T HOME.
THIS ISN’T MY HOME.
THIS ISN’T HOME.
THEY DISPERSE THROUGHOUT THE STAGE.

JO
WHY DID
I COME HERE?
I’VE BEEN HERE
TOO LONG NOW.
WENDY

THE FUCK AM I DOING?

 3.

JO
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

TOM
I DON’T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

JO
I WAIT HERE.

WENDY
I HIDE HERE.

LYNN OPIE
I AM HERE. I AM HERE.

ALL
HOW DO I GET OUT?
I REMEMBER WANTING,

JO & LYNN TOM

AND TRYING, AND TRYING,

WENDY OPIE
DEFYING, DEFYING,

ALL
I REMEMBER WORKING,
TOWARDS THE PERFECT,

WENDY LYNN
PERSON - PERSON -

TOM
PLACE -

OPIE JO
WAY - WAY -
 4.

ALL
TO BRANCH OUT ON MY OWN.
BUT I COULD NOT HAVE KNOWN -
THIS ISN’T HOME.
THIS ISN’T HOME.
THIS ISN’T MY HOME.
THIS ISN’T HOME.

OPIE WENDY
IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A
GUARANTEE. GUARANTEE.

JO TOM
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT.

ALL
BUT HERE I AM,

TOM LYNN
EIGHT - EIGHT -

OPIE WENDY
ONE - ONE -

JO
FIVE -

ALL
YEARS IN -
STILL SEARCHING -

They drift back towards their original doors.

ALL (CONT’D)
WHAT IF

OPIE JO
I LEAVE HERE? I LEAVE HERE?
 5.

WENDY TOM
AND GO WHERE? AND GO WHERE?

LYNN
BE NOT HERE.

OPIE LYNN
THE FUCK AM I DOING? THE FUCK AM I DOING?

JO
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

WENDY TOM
I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW.

ALL
THERE MUST BE -

OPIE JO
A NEW HERE, A NEW HERE,

WENDY TOM
A SOMEWHERE, A SOMEWHERE,

LYNN
AN OUT THERE,

ALL
BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE?
I REMEMBER HAPPY.
I WAS THERE.
AT ONE POINT.
I REMEMBER SMILING,
TOWARDS THE PERFECT,

WENDY LYNN
PERSON - PERSON -

TOM
PLACE -
 6.

OPIE JO
WAY - WAY -

ALL
TO BRANCH OUT ON MY OWN.
MAYBE THIS TIME I’LL KNOW -
HOW TO FIND HOME.
HOW TO FIND HOME.
HOW TO FIND MY HOME.
HOW TO FIND HOME.

Repeat of the lyric home as written out in sheet

music.

Everyone exits through different doorways.

End of song.
 7.

SONG #2 - FOR THE ‘GRAM

Jo poses for an instagram post.

JO
WON’T MOVE UNTIL IT’S PERFECT.
(to unseen person taking pic)
BABE, ARE YOU GETTING MY NEW SHOES?
WE’LL KEEP GOING ‘TILL IT’S GORGEOUS,
‘CAUSE I LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU.

JO (CONT’D)
I LOSE BEING IN THE MOMENT,
FOR THE ‘GRAM, FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOSE ALL MY MOMENTS,
FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOOK LIKE,
I DON’T GIVE A DAMN, GIVE A DAMN,
BUT TRUTH IS I DID ALL THIS FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LIVE MY LIFE ON MY OWN SET,
FOR LIKES I’VE NEVER MET,
JUST FOR THE ‘GRAM.

JO (CONT’D)
THE BAR KEEPS GETTING HIGHER,
WITH EACH NEW FILTER THAT COMES OUT.
IT’S LIKE I’M MY OWN SATIRE,
(‘CEPT) I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M ABOUT.
EACH POST MAKES ME LOOK INSPIRED,
SO YOU WANT MORE OF ME.
BUT NEXT TIME MORE’S REQUIRED,
I BECOME LESS FREE.

JO (CONT’D)
I LOSE BEING IN THE MOMENT,
FOR THE ‘GRAM, FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOSE ALL MY MOMENTS,
FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOOK LIKE,
I DON’T GIVE A DAMN, GIVE A DAMN,
BUT TRUTH IS I DID ALL THIS FOR THE ‘GRAM.
HAVE TO STAY BRUNETTE,
FOR LIKES I’VE NEVER MET,
JUST FOR THE ‘GRAM.
 8.

JO (CONT’D)
THIS IS HOW I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO.
WE HAVEN’T TALKED IN LIKE A YEAR.
WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER IN REAL LIFE.
SO WHY WOULD YOU FOLLOW ME ON HERE?

JO (CONT’D)
I’M NOT SURE OF WHAT I LIKE.
I DON’T TAKE RISKS TO FIND OUT.
I JUST STOOD NEXT TO THIS BIKE,
I DON’T RIDE, I STAND AND POUT.
I TRY TO LOOK AS CUTE AS YOU,
HOW I THINK YOU WANT ME TO,
WHICH IS WHAT YOU ALSO DO.
WHO CAN TELL WHO’S WHO?

JO (CONT’D)
I LOSE BEING IN THE MOMENT,
FOR THE ‘GRAM, FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOSE ALL MY MOMENTS,
FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I LOOK LIKE,
I DON’T GIVE A DAMN, GIVE A DAMN,
BUT TRUTH IS I DID ALL THIS FOR THE ‘GRAM.
I “SAILED” THE WORLD, BUT I’M IN DEBT,
I DID NOT LOOK UP IN TIBET,
WITH EACH SELF-CARE POST,
I’M MORE UPSET.
FOR LIKES I’VE NEVER MET,
JUST FOR THE ‘GRAM.

Jo poses on the button of the song.

End of song.
 9.

SONG #3 - FRIENDSHIP SONG

TOM

HOW’S YOUR DRINK?

LYNN

CENTERING.

TOM

REALLY?

LYNN

NO. GREEN TEA’S A GARBAGE MIXER.

Beat.

LYNN

HOW’S WORK?

TOM

I WISH MY BED WOULD SWALLOW ME WHOLE EVERY

MORNING.

Lynn nods like mmmm yea I get that.

LYNN

THIS BAR IS FOR DOUCHEBAGS.

TOM

MMMMM MY PEOPLE.

Beat. Lynn shrugs like whatever I’m right.

LYNN
I REALLY NEEDED - SOMEONE. THANK YOU.

Lynn opens her mouth to go on.

 10.

TOM
THAT’S ENOUGH FEELS, THANKS.

Lynn nods.

TOM (CONT’D)
HOW’S GOD?

LYNN
I WOULDN’T KNOW.

Lynn sucks some alcohol into her cocktail straw and

then shoots it back out onto her napkin.

TOM
YOU SPILLED YOUR DRINK.

LYNN
DIE.

End of song.
 11.

SONG #4 - BE OKAY

Wendy is on the phone at work. There’s a customer

on the other end of the line. Wendy attempts to
interject during the calls, but the customers
steamroll her.

CUSTOMER #1
(spoken/underscored)
Why do you need a picture? The perfume’s not opened. I don’t understand why you treat
your customers like thieves. Is this seriously how you represent your company by
accusing me of being a dishonest person? I paid $72 dollars plus shipping plus tax AND
handling. I definitely would not have paid all that money if I had known I was going to
be treated as a common criminal for wanting to return something. Do you think criminals
would pay initially? No, they’d just fucking steal it in the first place. “Send me a picture
of the item to ensure it’s in good condition.” FUCK YOU.

They hang up on Wendy.

WENDY
(sung)
I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’LL DO.
I WON’T KNOW ‘TILL IT’S DONE.
BUT I HEAR IN YOUR VOICE,
SOMETHING’S GOING ON.

WENDY (CONT’D)
IS IT FEAR?
IS IT RAGE?
HAVE YOU BEEN SAD FOR DAYS?
I’M NOT SURE.
WHAT CAN I DO?
I MUST HELP.
I’LL HELP YOU,
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.

The phone rings cutting her off.

 12.

WENDY
(spoken/underscored)
Hello this is -

CUSTOMER #2
(spoken/underscored)
What should I buy for my daughter?

WENDY
(spoken/underscored)
Well what kinds of scents does your daughter like? Floral or citrus-y?

CUSTOMER #2
(spoken/underscored)
You’re the customer service person. I’m trying to make a good impression on my
daughter, who’s finally agreed to meet up with me after the divorce and I want to get her
something nice that shows her I’ve been thinking about her - so I’m sorry I don’t know if
she likes florals or citrus-y things, but I’m not the perfume expert here. You should put a
little more effort in. I’m a repeat customer. I’m a loyal customer. And I’m asking for your
help so I’m sorry if you think you’re better than me but I think you should just do your
job and help me.

WENDY
(sung)
I KNOW YOU ARE BROKEN.
I KNOW YOU ARE NOT FINE.
I KNOW I CAN’T FIX THIS.
I KNOW I CAN’T HELP YOU.
I CAN HEAR IN YOUR VOICE,
WHAT’S GOING ON?

WENDY (CONT’D)
IS IT FEAR?
IS IT RAGE?
HAVE I BEEN SAD FOR DAYS?
I’M NOT SURE.
WHAT CAN I DO?
I MUST HELP.
I’LL HELP YOU,
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
ANOTHER CALL.
 13.

CUSTOMER #3
(spoken)
Bring back the scent Pushkar. I bought it in bulk at the store near me, but it went out of
business. And now I’ve run out. Please, I beg you. It’s the best smelling candle and it
makes my terribly disabled self not be so miserable and worthless feeling. I’m not sure
how much longer God is gonna keep me on this earth but it sure would be a blessing to
enjoy the best smelling candle I’ve ever smelled.

Wendy slowly hangs up the phone as she sings the

next part.

WENDY
(sung)
I WILL DO ANYTHING.
AND EVERYTHING.
AND ANYTHING.
JUST TELL ME WHAT.
I’LL DO EVERY LAST BIT.
PLEASE – I WILL DO IT.
IT’S WORTH IT.
IT IS WORTH IT.

WENDY (CONT’D)
THEY DON’T HAVE ANYONE.
THEY HAVE NO ONE BUT ME.
WHO WILL LISTEN TO THEM?
I MUST BE LISTENING.
I MUST BE LISTENING,
HAVE NO ONE BUT ME.
IS IT FEAR?
IS IT RAGE?
HAS IT BEEN SAD FOR DAYS?
I’M NOT SURE.
WHAT CAN I DO?
I MUST HELP.
I MUST HELP THEM.
I’LL HELP YOU,
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.
BE OKAY.

Wendy repeats “Be Okay” long after the music has

stopped and until she can let it go. End of Song.
 14.

SONG #5 - TRUST ME WITH ME

Opie, a man in his 20s, struggles to talk to his

parents.

OPIE
FOR WEEKS, I’VE ACHED TO BE FREE.
WHY WOULD YOU PUT ONE LAST DOUBT IN ME?
IF YOU…
THEN HOW…
I CAME BACK A TOTAL MESS.
SO I GET IT,
SORT OF, I GUESS,
BUT I...

OPIE (CONT’D)
YOUR TEXTING AND YOUR ASKING,
DOES NOT HIDE THE FEAR YOU’RE MASKING.
YOUR “GOOD” ADVICE AND BACK-UP PLANS,
YOUR TENDER LOOKS -
ARE KILLING ME -
WHO I CAN BE.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE I CAN LIVE WITH THIS,
THEN HOW CAN I?
TRUST ME WITH ME.

OPIE (CONT’D)
(admitting/explaining)
I’M SCARED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
(pumping themselves up)
BUT THIS TIME I’VE GOT A BAG OF TOOLS.
YOU SAW…
I CAN…
I KNOW I DON’T HAVE PROOF,
BUT I AM OUTSIDE,
AND SOMEHOW STILL UNDER YOUR ROOF.
IT’S NOT...
FAIR...

OPIE (CONT’D)
YOUR CHECKING AND YOUR SQUEEZING,
DOES NOT MAKE MY LIFE MORE EASY.
YOUR REMINDERS AND DEATH-GRIP HUGS,
YOUR GENTLE LOOKS -
ARE KILLING ME -
WHO I CAN BE.
 15.

OPIE (CONT’D)
YOU SAW ME LEARN HOW TO LIVE WITH THIS
AND I CAN, IF YOU,
TRUST ME,
TRUST ME WITH ME.

OPIE (CONT’D)
I’M SORRY I SCARED YOU.
BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SURVIVE,
I’M SORRY YOU’RE SCARED ALL THE TIME.
BUT I’M THE ONE,
WHO HAS TO KEEP ME ALIVE.
AND I CHOOSE TO BE ALIVE.

OPIE (CONT’D)
SO YOUR LOVING AND YOUR SWEARING,
THAT YOU WILL NEVER STOP CARING.
YOUR SCHEDULES AND SAFETY-NETS,
YOUR HOPEFUL LOOKS -
WILL NOT KILL ME -
WHO I CAN BE.
I BELIEVE I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.
I WILL FEEL FREE.
IF I JUST,
TRUST ME WITH ME.
TRUST ME,
TRUST ME,
TRUST ME WITH ME.

End of Song.
 16.

SONG #6 - I NEVER QUESTIONED YOU

Lynn, a woman in her 20s, stands at the altar of a

church with giant stained glass windows.

LYNN
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
YOU KIND OF SCREWED ME A LITTLE.
LIKE HERE’S THE ROCK, THE HARD PLACE, AND ME.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
I CAN FOLLOW YOU,
BUT CAN’T LEAD THOSE WHO DO.
STILL THAT DOESN’T SHAKE MY BELIEFS.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
I USED TO STARE UP AT THESE WINDOWS,
WOND’RING HOW BEAUTY COULD BE CALLED
STAINED.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
IN AWE OF THE LIGHT,
I BASKED IN ALL YOUR MIGHT,
AND DREAMED OF PREACHING YOUR GOOD DEEDS.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.

LYNN (CONT’D)
SO HOW COULD YOU CALL ME TO PREACH,
WHEN YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW...

LYNN (CONT’D)
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
I THOUGHT THE RULES COULD CHANGE FOR ME.
YOU TAUGHT ME HAVE FAITH IN MIRACLES.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
SO I PURSUED,
WITH FAITH THAT ONE DAY I,
WOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE MY DREAM,
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
I’VE NEVER QUESTIONED YOU.
IS THIS WHAT I’M MEANT TO DO?
End of song.
 17.

SONG #7 - LET ME IN

TOM
WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES,
ANOTHER WILL OPEN.

JO
BUT WHEN TEN SLAM IN MY FACE
I LOSE A LITTLE HOPE IN

ALL
MYSELF -

WENDY
I TEAR UP WATCHING
COMFORT THROUGH KEYHOLES

WENDY (CONT’D) OPIE

MY VIEW MIGHT BE DISTORTED MY VIEW MIGHT BE DISTORTED

WENDY (CONT’D) OPIE & LYNN

‘CAUSE MY TEARS BLUR IN THE ‘CAUSE MY TEARS BLUR IN THE
COLD COLD

ALL
OUT HERE.

LYNN
I HAVE PUSHED,

JO
I HAVE PULLED,

WENDY (CONT’D)
I MIGHT SOB,

TOM
I MIGHT SOB,

ALL
‘CAUSE I’VE SEEN LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST TURN,
THE KNOB.
 18.

OPIE
LET ME IN,

ALL
LET ME IN,

LYNN
BEEN KNOCKING SO LONG.

WENDY
MY ARMS ARE EXHAUSTED,

TOM
I’M ONLY SO STRONG.

JO
I’M ONLY SO STRONG.

LYNN
DON’T HAVE ANOTHER ADDRESS,

OPIE
CAN’T GO BACK WHERE I’VE BEEN.

JO
JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.

WENDY
PLEASE -

ALL
LET ME IN.

WENDY
LIKE A SMALL PACKAGE,
DROPPED AT THE WRONG ADDRESS,

WENDY (CONT’D) OPIE

DAMAGED, LOST, AND UNWANTED, DAMAGED, LOST, AND UNWANTED,

JO
TO YOU I’M GARBAGE JUST LEFT,

ALL
OUTSIDE.
 19.

LYNN
I CAN HEAR LAUGHING,
OVER THE BUZZER,

TOM
THEY KNOW THAT I’M STUCK OUT HERE,

ALL
THEY KNOW I’M JUST ANOTHER,
WHO CAN’T -

OPIE
I’VE TRIED KEYS,

WENDY
I’VE TRIED CODES,

TOM JO
SPECIAL KNOCKS, SPECIAL KNOCKS,

ALL
FOR EVERYONE ELSE THE DOOR JUST
UNLOCKS.

TOM LYNN
LET ME IN, LET ME IN,

ALL
LET ME IN,

JO
LOCKED OUT IN THE YARD.

WENDY OPIE
MY BRAIN FEELS SO BROKEN, MY BRAIN FEELS SO BROKEN,

ALL
FROM TRYING TOO HARD.

TOM JO
I HAVE WAITED AND WAITED, I HAVE WAITED AND WAITED,

TOM & JO (CONT’D) LYNN

BUT MY PATIENCE IS THIN. BUT MY PATIENCE IS THIN.
 20.

WENDY
I’LL CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW.

ALL
JUST PLEASE -
LET ME IN.

JO LYNN
THE DOOR MIGHT NEVER OPEN FOR THE DOOR MIGHT NEVER OPEN FOR
ME, ME,

JO (CONT’D)
BUT IT SURE AS FUCK WON’T,

OPIE
IF I DECIDE TO LEAVE.

WENDY
SO WHAT DO I DO?

JO OPIE
WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY? WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?

TOM
WHEN EVERY SECOND AFFECTS THE REST OF MY
LIFE -

LYNN
DO I PUSH?

JO
DO I GO?

OPIE
DO I STAY?

ALL
LET ME IN,
LET ME IN,
DON’T MAKE ME MOVE ON.
WHO WILL YOU LET IN ONCE,
I’M FINALLY GONE?
SO MUCH TIME IS BEHIND ME,
MY LIFE NEEDS TO BEGIN.
CAN’T WAIT HERE FOREVER.
 21.

LET ME IN.
LET ME IN.
End of song.
 22.

SONG #8 - I’M SORRY

Lynn addresses Tom.

LYNN
I’M SORRY I GET UPSET,
WHEN YOU FUCK MY FRIENDS.
I’M SORRY I’M STILL MAD AT YOU,
SO I CAN’T MAKE “AMENDS.”
I’M SORRY I GET PISSED ABOUT,
WHEN YOU TEXT.
AND WHEN YOU DON’T.
AND I’M SORRY YOU DON’T LOVE ME.
‘CAUSE YOU DON’T.
OR CAN’T.
OR WON’T.

LYNN (CONT’D)
(BUT) I’M NOT SORRY
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU –
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU,
AT THIS BAR TONIGHT.
I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
WHEN WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER RIGHT.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I’M SORRY YOU’RE THE ONE WHO,
MATTERS MOST TO ME.
I’M SORRY I CARE ABOUT YOU,
TO AN ABSURD DEGREE.
I’M SORRY YOUR “GIRLS” ARE,
ALWAYS “OUT OF HAND,”
BUT WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU
NEED TO UNDERSTAND -

LYNN
(spoken/yelled)
Behind every crazy female is the man who drove her there.

LYNN (CONT’D)
(sung)
TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY.
FOR WHAT YOU HAVE MADE OF ME.
I AM NOT SORRY
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU –
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU,
 23.

LYNN (CONT’D)
AT THIS BAR TONIGHT.
I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
WHEN WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER RIGHT.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I’M SORRY OUR FIRST FUCK WAS A DISASTER.
AND THE SECOND TIME WAS TOO.
I’M SORRY THEY’VE ALL BEEN DISASTERS
UNTIL THIS WEEK,
OUR “BREAKTHROUGH.”
WHEN YOU FINALLY ASKED ME,
TO BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS,
WHILE YOU WERE STILL INSIDE ME,
WHILE WE WERE CHEATING ON YOUR EX.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I AM SORRY THAT YOU’RE HURTING.
I’M SORRY THAT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT.
‘CAUSE IT BROKE MY HEART,
THAT YOU’LL NEVER LOVE ME RIGHT.
I’M SORRY I’LL MISS THOSE NIGHTS,
OUR SECRETS AND OUR JOKES.
I’M SORRY I’LL MISS YOUR LAUGH,
AND THAT YOU SMELL LIKE SMOKE.
I’M SORRY I’LL MISS WATCHING YOU WATCH WALL-E.
AND NOTHING I EVER DO WILL MAKE ME YOUR EVE.
I AM SORRY YOU DON’T LOVE ME,
AND I’LL LOVE YOU ETERNALLY -

LYNN (CONT’D)
I AM SO SORRY
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU -
I’M FRIEND-DUMPING YOU,
AT THIS BAR TONIGHT.
I JUST DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS.
SINCE WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER –
WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER –
NO, WE DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER RIGHT.

She slams the rest of her drink and leaves.

End of song.
 24.

SONG #9 - FUCKING ABSURD

Please note the parts have been split up and the

lyrics have changed slightly since recording.

Tom, Opie, Lynn, Jo, and Wendy are chatting when

Tom gets a news alert on his phone.

TOM
THIS IS FUCKIN’ ABSURD.
EVERYTHING THAT GUY SAYS
IS A LIE.
EVERY WORD.
THAT WE’RE EVEN ENTERTAINING HIM,
SHOWS THE STATE OF THINGS TODAY.
IT’S NOT JUST HORSEPLAY.

Jo, Wendy, and Lynn opens their mouths to respond,

but Opie jumps in first.

OPIE
(agreeing with Tom)
IT IS FUCKIN’ ABSURD.
JUST LISTEN TO WOMEN.

Jo & Wendy share a look.

TOM
IT’S NOT HARD.
THE LINE’S NOT BLURRED.
THAT WE TAKE TIME OUT TO DISCUSS THIS,
SHOWS HOW FUCKED WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

OPIE
IT CAN’T BE ALLOWED.

Again Lynn, Jo, and Wendy try to jump in, but they
get steamrolled by the guys.

TOM OPIE
IT’S ALL FUCKIN’ ABSURD. IT’S ALL FUCKIN’ ABSURD.

TOM (CONT’D)
RIGHT YOU GUYS?
 25.

OPIE
THEY AGREE.
IT’S ALL SHIT.

The guys stand and get riled up as they get more

invested in what they’re saying.

OPIE (CONT’D) TOM

WHAT WE’VE INCURRED. WHAT WE’VE INCURRED.
JUST BELIEVE WOMEN ALL OF THE JUST BELIEVE WOMEN ALL OF THE
TIME. TIME.
WE NEED TO KEEP GOING AFTER WE NEED TO KEEP GOING AFTER
ALL OF THESE GUYS. ALL OF THESE GUYS.
WE NEED TO LISTEN TO WOMEN’S WE NEED TO LISTEN TO WOMEN’S
CRIES. CRIES.

JO
YOU ARE FUCKING ABSURD.

OPIE
(spoken)
Jo -

JO
YOUR WORDS DON’T MEAN SHIT.
YOU’RE JUST SHOUTING THINGS YOU’VE HEARD.
THAT’S NOT BEING AN ADVOCATE.
YOU WANNA HELP?
YOU ADJUST YOUR ACTIONS
AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The guys look to Jo, who nods once.

The A Section repeats musically as everyone is

silent. Wendy and Lynn smile. Jo lets out a sigh of
relief on the last beat of the song. On the button of
the song -

JO (CONT’D)
This is nice.

End of song.
 26.

SONG #10 - HE LISTENED TO ME

The song is sung by Jo. She’s a little drunk.

JO
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I MEAN, NOT ABOUT -
JUST IN GENERAL,
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
NOT THAT YOU’VE ASKED ME,
‘CAUSE I’M JUST SILLY OLD JO.

JO (CONT’D)
(spoken)
Silly Jo with the instagram posts.

JO (CONT’D)
(sung)
BUT WHAT I AM SAYING -

JO (CONT’D)
AND ONE MORE THING I HAVE.
TO SAY, I MEAN -
ABOUT EVERYTHING...
ONE MORE THINGS I WILL SAY.
IS I’M EXCITED,
I’VES FOUND MY CALLING, OLD FRIENDS.
YOU’RE ALL GONNA LISTEN -
TO WHAT I WRITE WITH PENS.

JO (CONT’D)
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE,
TO SEE ME.
TO SEE ME.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING.
AND SCREAMING.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING,
FOR SOMEONE TO SEE,
AND TO MY SURPRISE,
HE DIDN’T LAUGH.
HE LISTENED TO ME.

JO (CONT’D)
HE’S A REAL PERSON.
AND I’M HIS ASSISTANT.
 27.

JO (CONT’D)
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A REASON
FOR MY EXISTENCE.
SO LAUGH AT ME, LAUGH.
IT’S OKAY.
‘CAUSE I FEEL GOOD ENOUGH.
WITH HIM I’M GOOD ENOUGH.
TODAY.

End of song.
 28.

SONG #11 - CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU

Wendy sits with her friend.

WENDY
IT ISN’T FAIR –
THAT THING YOU CAN DO.
I TAKE A BREATH,
AND YOU READ MY MOOD.
IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING.
BECAUSE –
I CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU.

WENDY (CONT’D)
IT ISN’T FAIR –
DID NOT ASK YOU.
YOU JUST SPOKE FIRST.
JUST SMILED ASKEW.
‘CAUSE YOU ALREADY KNEW.
IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING.
BECAUSE,
I CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU.

WENDY (CONT’D)
I DON’T REALLY LIKE PEOPLE.
SO I DIDN’T THINK TWICE,
WHEN SHE TOLD US TO BOND AND WE DID,
WHICH WAS SURPRISING, BUT NICE –
BUT THIS MAKES THINGS MORE COMPLEX,
‘CAUSE MY BEST FRIEND IS ALWAYS GONNA BE
YOUR EX.

Beat.

WENDY (CONT’D)
YA KNOW, I WAS GOOD,
PINING QUIETLY,
THOUGHT MY FEELINGS WERE SAFE TO HAVE,
BECAUSE I BELIEVED,
THAT YOU WERE WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
SO IT ISN’T FAIR –
TO GIVE ME THIS NEWS.
THAT YOU THINK IT TOO.
 29.

WENDY (CONT’D)
SORTA WISH THAT WASN’T TRUE.
IT’S FUCKING UPSETTING.
‘CAUSE I CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU.

End of song.
 30.

SONG #12 - THE LAUNDRY SONG

OPIE
I DUMP MY CLEAN CLOTHES
ONTO THE FLOOR.

LYNN
I FLIP EACH ONE OVER,

WENDY (CONT’D) JO
AND I FOLD EACH SLEEVE AND I FOLD EACH SLEEVE

WENDY
SO IT LINES UP WITH THE WEAVE.

TOM
I FOLD THE BOTTOM UP AND REPEAT,

TOM (CONT’D) LYNN

UNTIL IT’S COMPLETE. UNTIL IT’S COMPLETE.

ALL
THEN I STARE AT MY JOB WELL DONE ON THE FLOOR.

OPIE
FOR LIKE THREE HOURS,
‘TILL I MANAGE TO GET THEM INTO THE DRAWER.

WENDY
WHAT’S CLEAN BECOMES DIRTY

OPIE
UNTIL I WASH, DRY, AND FOLD,

LYNN
AND THEN WHAT’S DIRTY IS CLEAN,

TOM
UNTIL IT GETS OLD.

JO OPIE
AND I GIVE WHAT’S OLD AWAY. AND I GIVE WHAT’S OLD AWAY.

TOM WENDY
OR I THROW IT AWAY. OR I THROW IT AWAY.
 31.

ALL
AND REPLACE IT AND SAY,

LYNN
THAT TOP MADE ME LOOK FUCKING NINE.

WENDY OPIE
AND WITH EVERY, AND WITH EVERY,
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

JO
I’LL FORGET IT WAS MINE.

JO (CONT’D) TOM
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

JO & TOM (CONT’D) LYNN

FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

JO & TOM (CONT’D) LYNN (CONT’D) & WENDY

FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

ALL
UNTIL I DIE.

LYNN
I SWEAT IN ALL MY CLOTHES.

TOM
THEY GET REAL GROSS.

ALL
SUMMER, WINTER, FALL, SPRING,

JO
MY CLOTHES FUCKING REEK.

JO (CONT’D) WENDY
SO I WASH THEM EVERY WEEK. SO I WASH THEM EVERY WEEK.

LYNN TOM
HOPING THEY COME OUT AS GOOD HOPING THEY COME OUT AS GOOD
AS NEW, AS NEW,
 32.

ALL
BUT THEY NEVER DO.

TOM (CONT’D) OPIE

MY SWEATERS PILL UP AND THE MY SWEATERS PILL UP AND THE
COLORS FADE. COLORS FADE.
WITH EVERY CYCLE, WITH EVER CYCLE,
THE SMELL IS GONE, THE SMELL IS GONE,
BUT THE FABRIC’S WORN AND BUT THE FABRIC’S WORN AND
FRAYED. FRAYED.

JO LYNN
WHAT’S CLEAN BECOMES DIRTY WHAT’S CLEAN BECOMES DIRTY
UNTIL I WASH, DRY, AND FOLD, UNTIL I WASH, DRY, AND FOLD,

WENDY TOM
AND THEN WHAT’S DIRTY IS AND THEN WHAT’S DIRTY IS
CLEAN, CLEAN,
UNTIL IT GETS OLD. UNTIL IT GETS OLD.

TOM & WENDY (CONT’D) OPIE

AND I GIVE WHAT’S OLD AWAY. AND I GIVE WHAT’S OLD AWAY.

LYNN
OR I THROW IT AWAY.

JO
OR I THROW IT AWAY.

ALL
AND REPLACE IT AND SAY,

WENDY
I CANNOT PULL OFF THAT WAISTLINE -

ALL
AND WITH EVERY,
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

TOM
I’LL FORGET IT WAS MINE.
 33.

TOM (CONT’D) OPIE

FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

TOM & OPIE (CONT’D) JO

FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

TOM & OPIE (CONT’D) JO (CONT’D) & LYNN

FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY - FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -

ALL
UNTIL I DIE.

LYNN JO
I WANT MORE THAN A RITUAL I WANT MORE THAN A RITUAL

WENDY
MORE THAN A NECESSITY

TOM OPIE
OR A ROUTINE OR A ROUTINE

LYNN & WENDY JO

I JUST NEED IT TO MEAN I JUST NEED IT TO MEAN

ALL
SOMETHING -

ALL (CONT’D)
WHAT’S CLEAN BECOMES DIRTY
UNTIL I WASH, DRY, AND FOLD,
AND THEN WHAT’S DIRTY IS CLEAN,
UNTIL IT GETS OLD.
AND I GIVE WHAT’S OLD AWAY.
OR I THROW IT AWAY.
AND REPLACE IT AND SAY,

OPIE
(spoken)
The crop tops were never fine.

ALL
AND WITH EVERY,
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -
 34.

ALL (CONT’D)
I’LL FORGET IT WAS MINE.
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -
FOLD, DIRTY, WASH, DRY -
UNTIL I DIE.

End of Song.
 35.

SONG #13 - BLACK METAL LINES

A park bench. Wendy violently shakes her head back

as she sits. She looks at the bench’s seat.

WENDY
BLACK.
BLACK METAL LINES,
BLACK METAL LINES, WHERE I –
BLACK METAL LINES WHERE I SIT.
WHAT ARE YOU,
BLACK METAL LINES WHERE I SIT?
YOU’RE NOT NEW.

She sticks her hand between the rungs of the bench

seat.

WENDY (CONT’D)
AND YOU ARE SEE THROUGH?

She stares at the bench seat. She opens her mouth,

but says nothing. Beat. After a moment she gets very
upset – the kind when you’re very confused. She hits
her head repeatedly.

She catches someone looking at her and stops.

She takes a deep breath.

WENDY (CONT’D)
COLORS AND SHAPES,
JUST LIST COLORS AND SHAPES.
AND YOU’LL KNOW WHAT YOU KNEW.
NO REASON TO BE AFRAID.
YOU’LL BE OKAY.

She takes a deep breathe in and out.

WENDY (CONT’D)
I’LL BE OKAY.

She looks at the bench seat again. Her gaze lifts a

little bit and she fixates on the bench’s back.
 36.

WENDY (CONT’D)
BLACK.
BLACK METAL LINES,
BLACK METAL LINES,
BLACK METAL LINES, THAT CRISS-CROSS?
(louder/frustrated)
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
BLACK METAL LINES THAT CRISS CROSS,
(looking at the seat)
AND STRIPES TOO,
(excited from remembering the word
stripes)
I KNOW I’VE SEEN YOU.

She still can’t think of the word.

She looks around and notices that someone in the

park who’s overheard her is staring. Her eyes begin
to well.

WENDY (CONT’D)
COLORS AND SHAPES,
JUST LIST COLORS AND SHAPES.
AND YOU’LL KNOW WHAT YOU KNEW.
NO REASON TO BE AFRAID.
YOU’LL BE OKAY.
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATHE IN AND OUT.
I’LL BE OKAY.

WENDY (CONT’D)
BLACK.
BLACK METAL LINES,
THAT STRIPE AND CRISS-CROSS,
BLACK METAL STRIPES AND CRISS-CROSS,

She wraps her hands around the rungs in the

bench’s back.

WENDY (CONT’D)
AND SEE THROUGH -
ON IT I SIT,
I SIT ON IT,
THIS -
 37.

WENDY (CONT’D)
...
...
BENCH
COLORS AND SHAPES,
JUST LIST COLORS AND SHAPES.
AND YOU’LL KNOW WHAT YOU KNEW.
NO REASON TO BE AFRAID.
YOU’LL BE OKAY.

She takes a deep breathe in and out.

WENDY (CONT’D)
I’LL BE OKAY.

She relaxes.

End of song.
 38.

SONG #14 - YOU SAW ME

Jo follows her unseen mentor outside. She stops

them so she can make her point.

JO
I WALKED IN,
FISTS CLENCHED ‘ROUND MY RESUME.
PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD,
ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY.
FOUR YEARS OUT OF COLLEGE,
WITH NO PLAN, JUST A DREAM.
NO ONE ELSE AT THE FAIR
WANTED TO TALK TO ME.
MY FRIENDS HAD LONG GIVEN UP,
I ALMOST DID TOO.
I ALMOST LEFT THE FAIR.
BUT THEN YOU -

JO (CONT’D)
YOU SAW ME.
AND GAVE ME A PLACE TO LEARN.
I WAS THE ANGRIEST LITTLE INTERN.
YOU SAW MY BRAIN THROUGH ALL MY SHIT.
AND I GREW FROM YOUR INTERN TO FRIEND.
‘CAUSE YOU SAW ME,
YOU SAW ME THEN.

JO (CONT’D)
I WALKED OUT,
EYES FILLED WITH DUMB TEARS.
I WAITED TO WEEP,
‘TIL I WAS FAR FROM PEOPLE’S EARS.
I WAS PROMOTED FROM,
ASSISTANT TO WRITER.
WITH A REP I HAD EARNED
THAT I WAS “A FIGHTER.”
I THOUGHT CRITIQUES OF MY WORK,
MEANT I WAS BAD TOO,
I ALMOST QUIT WRITING.
BUT THEN YOU.
 39.

JO (CONT’D)
YOU SAW ME.
YOU FOLLOWED ME OUT.
AND YELLED IN MY FACE.
THAT I WAS A DAMN DISGRACE.
YOU TAUGHT ME TO WORK THROUGH MYSHIT.
WE WENT BACK INSIDE, AS THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
‘CAUSE YOU SAW ME,
YOU SAW ME THEN.

JO (CONT’D)
SO WHY IS IT?
I NEED SAY “LOOK AT ME” NOW?
AND EXPLAIN I’VE GROWN UP?
‘CAUSE YOU SHOWED ME HOW.
I’M NO LONGER A MESS EVERY GODDAMN DAY
SO I DON’T DESERVE
TO BE SEEN THAT WAY.

JO (CONT’D)
I WORKED HARD,
AND I’VE COME SO FAR.
AND I KNOW WHY,
YOU ARE TAKING MY SUCCESS HARD.
I’M NOT THAT INTERN,
MY DREAM’S WITHIN MY REACH.
(I’M) NOT SORRY I PASSED YOU,
THAT’S A JUST THING WHEN YOU TEACH.
ALL THESE YEARS, I’VE WORKED,
TO BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAW WAS TRUE,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SMILING IN THERE,
INSTEAD YOU -

JO (CONT’D)
YOU SEE ME
AND YOU RESENT
THAT YOU FEEL LIKE I WON
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE DONE
‘CAUSE DESPITE YOUR LITTLE BITCH FIT
I STILL BELIEVE YOU CAN BE,
THE PERSON I SAW,
THE DAY YOU SAW ME.

End of song.

Jo leaves.
 40.

SONG #15 - WHAT IF...

TOM
YOU SHOWED UP ONCE,
WITH A TRUNK FULL OF PIE,
AND A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.
I LAUGHED SO HARD
THAT I CRIED.
YOU WERE THIS GIANT -
THIS COMIC -
THIS...LOVE...
I NEVER ASKED WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF...

TOM (CONT’D)
I KNOW THAT YOU LOVED ME,
LOVED WHAT YOU KNEW.
I KNOW YOU WERE PROUD,
OF HOW I GREW.
BUT WE’RE RELATED.
SO THAT’S, SORT OF,
IN YOUR DNA,
BUT WHAT IF,
WHAT IF YOU JUST MET ME TODAY?

TOM (CONT’D)
YOU TAUGHT ME TO CREATE,
STAINED GLASS LAMPS,
YOU SMOOTHED OUT EDGES,
TO MAKE SHARDS FIT - GRAMPS...
YOU WERE THIS CRAFTSMAN
THIS TEACHER-
THIS...GUIDE...
DID YOU SMOOTH ME OUT BEFORE YOU…?

TOM (CONT’D)
I KNOW THAT YOU LOVED ME,
LOVED WHAT YOU KNEW.
I KNOW YOU WERE PROUD,
OF HOW I GREW.
BUT WE’RE RELATED.
SO THAT’S, SORT OF,
IN YOUR DNA,
BUT WHAT IF,
WHAT IF YOU JUST MET ME TODAY?
 41.

TOM (CONT’D)
I DON’T HAVE YOUR TALENT,
OR A TRUNK FULL OF PIE.
I’M JUST OKAY.
I’LL NEVER BE YOU.
BUT I’LL TRY.

Musical Bridge.

TOM (CONT’D)
I KNOW THAT YOU LOVED ME,
LOVED WHAT YOU KNEW.
I KNOW YOU WERE PROUD,
OF HOW I GREW.
BUT WE’RE RELATED.
SO THAT’S, SORT OF,
IN YOUR DNA,
BUT WHAT IF,
WHAT IF,
WHAT IF YOU JUST MET ME TODAY?

End of song.
 42.

SONG #16 - I DON’T LIKE BABIES

Lynn talks to her baby.

LYNN
I DON’T LIKE BABIES,
OR BABY STUFF.
SO THIS…
TRANSITION,
MIGHT BE A LITTLE ROUGH.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I DON’T LIKE BABIES,
BUT YOU SEEM FINE.
I MEAN…
YOU’RE HERE NOW,
IT’S COOL YOU DON’T WHINE..

LYNN (CONT’D)
(spoken)
Look when you were on the inside, I said - I don’t know if you heard...

Lynn waits for baby to reply.

She gets upset by their silence and then realizes

they’re silent because they’re a baby and they can’t
respond.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I’M SORRY YOU GOT STUCK WITH ME AS A MOM,
AND THAT WE NAMED....YOU...DOM.
SORRY IN ADVANCE
FOR FUCKING YOU UP -
The baby starts crying.
(spoken)
Nooo - shut up - shhh

Defeated, Lynn looks up to the sky for help.

LYNN (CONT’D)
I DON’T LIKE BABIES,
I’M BAD AT THEM.
I’M GOOD AT…
(grasping at straws)
PRAYER.
MAYBE…
 43.

LYNN (CONT’D)
THAT’S SOMETHING WE COULD DO.
IF NOT, I DON’T CARE.
I DON’T LIKE BABIES
BUT I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

End of song.
 44.

SONG #17 - HOME (REPRISE)

Please note choral section in beginning

will change.

ALL
I REMEMBER LEAVING,
AND DREAMING,
BELIEVING -
I’LL ALWAYS BE THINKING,
HERE WOULD BE THE PERFECT,
PERSON -
PLACE -
WAY -
TO FIND OUT ON MY OWN,
JUST HOW MUCH I’VE GROWN -
HOME.
HOME.
MY HOME.
HOME.

JO
HOW DOES
SO MUCH CHANGE?
NOT SURE
HOW TO DO THIS.

WENDY
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

JO
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

TOM
I DON’T KNOW
WHAT’S COMING.

JO
I WAIT HERE.

WENDY
I’LL BE HERE.

OPIE
I AM HERE.
 45.

LYNN
I AM HERE.

ALL
WHO WILL I BE NEXT?
I’LL ALWAYS BE WANTING,

JO & LYNN TOM

AND TRYING, AND TRYING,

WENDY OPIE
DEFYING - DEFYING -

ALL
I’LL ALWAYS BE WORKING,
NOWHERE’S THE PERFECT,

WENDY LYNN
PERSON - PERSON -

TOM
PLACE -

OPIE JO
WAY - WAY -

ALL
COMPLETELY ON ITS OWN.
THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM TO GROW -
HOME.
HOME.
MY HOME.
HOME.

Repeat “Home” as directed in music.

End of Song. Blackout.

End of show.