Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Legit Texto 5
Legit Texto 5
Thank you.
Look, I really appreciate you coming and supporting us and you, too, Rodney. It's real nice of
you to come down here and support us.
It's good theater.
Where's dad?
Oh, he didn't want to come. He didn't want to make you nervous.
He doesn't make me nervous. You make me nervous.
What do I do to make you nervous? What?!
Stop it.
I don't do anything to make you nervous. It's gonna be fine.
You make yourself nervous.
Look at you. You're sweating.
Shit, now I'm nervous.
He is nervous.
Would you please tell the court what happened on that evening?
I was on my way to go get my baby boy some milk.
Milk for his baby boy.
He likes chocolate milk, and I know it. So I went to get it for him. And then I saw Dwayne pull
up, and he asked me, did I want to go for a ride with him. And I was like, "okay." And next
thing I know, we being chased by the police. I ain't never seen these people ever in my life.
Never seen these men before.
Nope, not never.
(2.10)
Mr. jefferies, do you recognize this machete?
Yes, I do. This was the knife that was used against me during the crime.
_Get out of the way Steve, this is the best bit of the movie. This is the bit where Eastwood
shoots hackman in the face.
I love this part. It's a great part.
Is Peggy still here?
Yeah, yeah, she's just asleep.
[Bullets ricochet]
Dude, I like her. She's nice.
Yeah, I like her, too.
Yeah, yeah. She's nice. She's nice. Come... come here. This is the bit. This is the bit.
Ready?
Eastwood, hackman, Eastwood... [Gunshot]
Both: Oh! [Laugh]
Behold the blood-filled cantaloupe with a gene hackman wig.
No, that's a casaba melon.
Casaba melon, my ass. That's a honeydew.
You Americans don't even. …
- Shut the hell up!
Jesus.
What's this?
Where is the drugs?
All of them! Now!
Here, man.
You trying to be funny?
No, I don't. He's funny.
I'm really not that funny.
He don't look funny to me. But you do. And you... you look funny as shit.
Suck it, dick wad.
What'd you just say to me?
I said, "suck it, dick wad."
Hit him, hammer.
You hit me with that, and I'll cram it so far up your ass, you'll be able to hammer nails with
your face.
He can't shove anything up anyone's ass.
Shut up, Jim!
He can't move, dude. He's practically paralyzed.
So?
Man, the little dude can't move.
That sucks, man.
Oh, don't you pity me, dick face.
Let's get it on.
Billy, stop. They will hurt you.
Come on, bitch.
Shut up, Billy!
You came to bring it?
Everybody, shut up right now and tell me where's the boo?!
Um, we don't know what boo is.
The crank!
Once again, as a group, we don't know what crank is.
The shit.
I'm not following.
Oh, he means the blow.
Give him the blow.
Oh, I call it "jolly."
Come on, limey.
I'm Australian, not British.
Same thing.
Racist.
Hey, that was supposed to be for my birthday, man.
Steve, I'm really sorry.
That's it?!
Well, I wouldn't take it all at once.
You know what, this is some bullshit.
Hey, you watch these two in here, all right? You come with me. Get up. You about to show
me where the shit is. What's in here?
Go away, Jim.
I'm not like some pinball machine you can just play with any time...
who's that?
That's Peggy.
Well, tell her to stop looking at me.
Peggy, don't look at him. Just get under the covers. It's all gonna be over soon.
Just get under the covers!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now just tell me where the shit is.
Look, I don't have any drugs. We're not drug dealers.
That's bullshit, man. I know you don't work. We've been casing you.
I'm not a drug dealer. I'm a comedian.
Really?
Yes.
You any good?
I'm all right. You know, I got, like, an hbo special. I've got one on showtime.
I don't have showtime.
I got this new one coming out.
Okay, not really important right now, Jim.
Get under the covers, Peggy!__
[Crowd murmurs]
Why has she got a shield? I never got offered a shield. I went through more than she has. I
got my hand cut.
Jim, shut up.
Thank you.
Ms. DeWitt, you are the girlfriend of Mr. Jefferies, is that correct?
Well, he hasn't called me in over a month, so I wouldn't really call myself his girlfriend.
I've been on tour.
Oh, you didn't have your phone?
Objection.
Mr. jefferies.
Skyping? E-mail?
- I...
- Mr. jefferies.
Your honor, she's hot, but she's hard work.
She's worth it.
Thank you.
Okay, so is Mr. jefferies someone that you care about?
Um, yes. Very much.
Ms. DeWitt, why do you feel it's necessary for you to offer your testimony anonymously?
Because I am scared.
What are you afraid of?
Dying alone.
Oh, come on. I was on tour.
Mr. jefferies.
You work an hour a night.
It's not an hour a night. I have to write jokes. I have to fly to gigs. There's a lot more
involved...
Mr. Jefferies.
Overruled.
What are you afraid of today, Ms. DeWitt?
I am afraid of them.
Oh, that's us, Peggy.
Oh, sorry.
I like Steve. Hi, Steve.
Hi.
Okay, can I ask you to be more specific?
I am afraid of the two guys.
You mean the defendants... Mr. Murphy and Mr. Taylor. Is that correct?
Yeah, them.
[Crowd murmurs]
_Why don't you give me your car keys, Mr. funny man?
I got car keys, but I don't know where...
Give me the keys right now or it's gonna be more than just this finger getting cut off.
Look around. I don't know where they are. It takes me 20 minutes to find them every
morning.
It's true. I can never find anything.
She can never find anything.
Well, you better find it.
Hey, I... I found your shoe.
It's not my shoe.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Right._
Ms. DeWitt, do you feel confident identifying them even though they were wearing masks?
I do. Because one was this big black guy, and the other was a skinny, little white dude.
Objection.
And because they weren't wearing gloves. And because the white guy had a tattoo on his
neck that said "legendary one," and the black guy had a birthmark on his right shoulder.
[Crowd murmurs]
Good point by her.
That's all, Ms. DeWitt. I thank you for your testimony.
We should have pled.
Hey, you okay? I'm gonna call you.
Right.
I got a six-month tour at the moment that I can't get out.
Of course you do.
I like her.
So, are you single now?
What?
_Okay. Okay.
Jim.
Yes.
Whose shoe is that?
It's not really important right now.
Now, do me the honors.
What, you want me to straighten my hair?
Pull the cord off it.
No, please, not my soku. It's like a really good hair straightener. Like a really, really good
straightener.
Are you kidding me right now? You better pull that out.
You you shouldn't have nice things in my house.
Pull the cord! Bitch, didn't I tell you to put your head down?! Put your hands behind your
back. Come over here and tie them up.
I can't believe you. You have the balls of a gnat.
Search all that shit.
There's nothing in there.
This hold any sentimental value?
No. That DVD player's a priceless family heirloom, so please don't take that.
God, Steve, it's amazing. You're such a pussy.
You find the shit?
No, man. He's not a dealer.
He ain't?
No, he's a comedian.
No shit.
Say something funny.
I don't really tell jokes, per se. It's more stories and observations about life. And it's a
different medium. I have some DVDs over there you could steal. You might enjoy them.
Steve, can you still have childern or have your ovaries dried up? Jesus.
What about the girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
What?!
You are such an asshole, Jim.
We've only been seeing each other for a short time.
Why would you even say that?
You're such an asshole.
We're just seeing...
You're an asshole.
So if she not your girlfriend, then you won't mind if we rape her?
I do. I do.
I'm gonna say yes, I do mind if you rape her. She may not be my girlfriend, but she's a very
nice lady.
Nice, Jim. Thank you so much.
What a pussy. You're a pussy, man.
[Screaming]
[Dull thud]
Jim! Jim!
What'd you do that for?
You next.
We got them. Laid down a spike strip and blew their tires out.
All four of them?
One of the perps claims he got this from you. Is that true?
No, sir, officer. I don't even know what that is.
And if we find your fingerprints all over it?
They made me touch it.
You ever been a drug dealer, Mr. nugent?
No. No. I mean, you know, if I hypothetically one time, like, maybe bought a bag of weed and
then, like, maybe gave some of that to a friend and then he reimbursed me with some cash...
but just for the amount of the pot but not necessarily for any kind of profit or anything, that
wouldn't make me a drug dealer. Would it?
Let me ask you again, Mr. nugent. Have you ever dealt drugs?
[Whimpering]
Y... no.
No?
No.
No.
No.
No, I haven't.
No, you haven't.
No, I haven't.
Thank you, Mr. nugent. I appreciate your time.
Yeah, yours, as well.
What about you, William?
What about me, officer po-po?
You want to tell me what happened?
They was gonna waste my homeboy, so I pulled my o2, all right?
Damn, he's a tough son of a bitch, huh?
Yeah, he is.
What those guys did was horrible. It was horrible and inexcusable, and I might have to go to
therapy because of this.
Yes, ma'am. It's traumatic.
It really is.
I mean, the almost rape was bad, but this is my soku 6000. [Voice breaking]. They pulled the
cord out. What, they didn't have any rope? I have to suffer because they came unprepared?
Like all hot girls, she's a nightmare.
Nice, Jim. Again, thank you. He almost had me raped.
All righty then. We'll inform you of the trial date.
Sorry about your hair thing.
[Crying]
Do you patrol around here often?
Not too often.
Thank God we got Billy.
Word._
So, I was stuck there, and with a lot of struggle, I was able to get my hand from my lap onto
the control.
_[Panting] [Beeping]
Man, come on.
What was that?
That's my brother, he needs oxygen.
Shit.
He's gonna die, man.
[Coughing]
Oh, shit, the little dude's dying.
No, I'm not getting life, man, I'm out.
Billy! He can't breathe.
Oh, my God. Billy. Billy. Billy. Billy. Billy.
[Gasping]
Hi, peg.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Okay, you're alive, okay?.
Hey, peg, I still need oxygen.
[Gasping]
Billy, what the hell are you doing? What were you thinking?
You could've died, you asshole.
They were gonna kill you.
You saved our lives.
You guys are pussies.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]_
Were you worried about your own safety?
Oh, no, sir.
You see, I've already died three times and I'm really not afraid of dying anymore. It's kind of
a rush, actually... dying.
The little dude is badass, man.
You can step... um, you can...
I understand.
He is such a freakin' stud.
He's my hero. I'm afraid of dying.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may be excused to deliberate your verdict.
That's my boy.
He is not.
Okay.
Here comes the jury.
[Coughs]
Here we go, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? Will the defendants please
rise? Mr. Leon Taylor and Mr. Dwayne Murphy, the jury finds you both guilty of robbery,
assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. You are hereby sentenced to serve the maximum
penalty for all three counts, a minimum of seven years at the California
correctional center.
Bullshit, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, the court is adjourned.
[Gavel bangs]
You got seven years in the hole, bitches. Don't get ass raped.
[Dog barks]
Where is the drugs?
Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm worried about you.
Don't worry about me. I'm all right. I've got 20 new minutes of material that's killing on stage.
People love this break-in stuff.
It's called PTSD, Jim. I think you should see someone.
I'm not seeing someone. You Americans always have someone has to see someone. What,
because I'm afraid of dying? I don't know.
Maybe you should move.
I can't do that. I can't leave Steve alone with Billy. Although Billy seems stronger than the
rest of us, you know? I can't do that.
Get a gun? Lots of people do. Protect themselves.
I'm not getting a gun. Look, only stupid people get guns. Smart people never have guns,
right? Smart people suffer too much depression to own a gun. Have you ever met a cheery
Professor or scientist? No. Of course not. 'Cause they know what's going on in the world.
That's why they can't have guns. Stupid people... they can have guns. I'm not getting a gun
so as to protect you and me. You could get a gun.
Thanks, Jim. You're such an asshole.