00:00 All right, quick poll.

好的，快速投票。
00:06 Raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life, that's meaningful to
you. 如果你的生活中有一段关系，请举手，这对你来说很有意义。
00:13 Okay, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions. 好吧，我假设了，但检
查一下我们的假设总是好的。
00:18 I'm saying this because while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child
relationship, 我这样说是因为虽然我今天将重点讨论亲子关系，
00:24 please know that everything I'm talking about is applicable to any meaningful
relationship. 请知道我所说的一切都适用于任何有意义的关系。
00:31 So with that in mind, let's jump in. 考虑到这一点，让我们开始吧。
00:35 So it's Sunday night. 所以现在是周日晚上。
00:37 I'm in my kitchen. 我在我的厨房里。
00:38 I just finished cooking dinner for my family and I am on edge. 我刚刚为家人做
完晚餐，我很紧张。
00:43 I mean, I'm exhausted. 我的意思是，我已经筋疲力尽了。
00:45 I haven't been sleeping well. 我一直没睡好。
00:46 I'm anxious about the upcoming work week. 我对即将到来的工作周感到焦虑。
00:49 I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list. 我对未完成的待
办事项清单上的所有项目感到不知所措。
00:53 And then my son walks into the kitchen. 然后我儿子走进厨房。
00:55 He looks at the table and winds, chicken again. 他看了看桌子，又开始吹气了。
01:00 disgusting and that's it I snap I look at him and I yelled what is wrong with
you 恶心，就是这样，我看着他，大喊你怎么了
01:07 can you be grateful for one thing in your life and things get worse from
there. 你能否对生命中的一件事心存感激，然后事情会变得更糟？
01:13 He I hate you, he runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door and now
my self-loathing session begins. 他我恨你，他跑出房间，关上卧室的门，现在我的自我厌恶开始
了。
01:20 As I say to myself, what is wrong with me? 正如我对自己说的，我到底出了什么问
题？
01:24 I've messed up my kid forever. 我永远把我的孩子搞砸了。
01:27 Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain. 好吧，如果你是父母，
你可能也感受到过这种痛苦。
01:31 For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame. 对我来说，它带来了额外的羞耻感。
01:35 I mean, I'm a clinical psychologist, and my specialty is helping people
become better parents. 我的意思是，我是一名临床心理学家，我的专长是帮助人们成为更好的父母。
01:45 And yet, this is true as well. 然而，这也是事实。
01:47 There is no such thing as a perfect parent. 世界上没有完美的父母。
01:51 Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to
do now. 错误和挣扎，伴随着工作而来，但没有人告诉我们现在该做什么。
01:57 Do we just move on? 我们继续前进吗？
01:59 Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened? 就假装整件事从未发生过？
02:01 Or if I say something, what are the words? 或者如果我说些什么，那是什么词？
02:06 Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I saw client
after client struggle with this question. 多年来，作为一名私人执业的临床心理学家，我看到一个
又一个的客户都在为这个问题而苦苦挣扎。
02:13 And now, 现在，
02:15 as the creator of the parenting content and community platform good inside, I
see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue. 作为育儿内容和
社区平台 Good inside 的创建者，我看到全球数以百万计的父母都在为这个问题而苦苦挣扎。
02:26 All parents yell, no one knows what to do next. 所有的父母都在大喊大叫，没有人知道
下一步该怎么做。
02:33 Well, I'm determined to fill this gap. 嗯，我决心填补这个空白。
02:35 After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that
can have as much impact as repair. 毕竟，在我们的人际关系中，几乎没有什么比修复更能产生如此
大的影响。
02:43 Whenever a parent asks me, what one parenting strategy should I focus on?
每当家长问我，我应该关注哪一项育儿策略？
02:48 I always say the same thing. 我总是说同样的话。
02:51 Get good at repair. 善于修复。
02:53 So what is repair? 那么什么是修复呢？
02:56 Repair the act of going back to a moment of taking responsibility for your
behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another. 修复回到对自己的行为负责并承
认其对他人产生的影响的时刻的行为。
03:06 And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because one apology
often looks to shut a conversation down. 我想区分修复和道歉，因为道歉通常会导致对话结束。
03:14 Hey, I'm sorry I yelled. 嘿，对不起，我大喊了。
03:16 Can we move on now? 我们现在可以继续了吗？
03:18 a good repair opens one up, 良好的修复打开了一个，
03:21 and if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much
baked in realism and hope and possibility. 如果你思考一下擅长修复意味着什么，就会发现
现实、希望和可能性是如此之多。
03:31 Repair assumes there's been a rupture, so to repair, you have to make it.
修复假设存在破裂，因此要修复，您必须进行修复。
03:39 or a full short of someone else's expectations. 或者完全达不到别人的期望。
03:42 Which means the next time I snap at my kid, 这意味着下次我对我的孩子发脾气时
03:45 or my husband, 或者我的丈夫，
03:46 or my work colleague, 或者我的工作同事，
03:48 instead of berating myself like I did that night in the kitchen, I try to
remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair. 我没有像那天晚上在厨房那样责备自己，
而是试着提醒自己，我正在专注于做好修理工作。
03:59 Step one is rupture. 第一步是破裂。
04:01 Check off. 检查一下。
04:02 I crushed it. 我把它压碎了。
04:05 Step two is repair. 第二步是修复。
04:07 I can do this. 我可以做这个。
04:09 I'm actually right on track. 我实际上已经步入正轨了。
04:13 So let's get back to my example. 让我们回到我的例子。
04:15 I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room. 我在厨房，我儿子在他的房间。
04:17 Well, what will happen if I don't repair? 那么，如果我不修复会发生什么？
04:20 That's really important to understand and helps us make a decision about what
to do next. 理解这一点非常重要，可以帮助我们决定下一步该做什么。
04:27 Well, here are the facts. 好吧，这是事实。
04:29 My son is alone, overwhelmed, and in a state of distress because, let's face
it, his mom just became scary. 我的儿子孤身一人，不知所措，处于一种痛苦的状态，因为，让
我们面对现实吧，他的妈妈变得很可怕。
04:38 And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.
现在他必须找到一种方法来恢复安全感。
04:43 And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,如果我不去帮他修理
04:47 he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own
disposal, self-blame. 他必须依靠他自己唯一拥有的应对机制之一，那就是自责。
04:56 Self-blame sounds like this. 自责听起来就是这样。
04:59 Something's wrong with me. 我有点不对劲。
05:02 I'm unlovable. 我不讨人喜欢。
05:05 I make bad things happen. 我让坏事发生。
05:08 Ronald Fairburn may have said it best when he wrote that for kids. 罗纳德·
费尔伯恩（Ronald Fairburn）为孩子们写的这句话可能说得最好。
05:12 It is better to be a sinner in a world where than to live in a world ruled by
the devil. 在一个被魔鬼统治的世界里做一个罪人，比在一个被魔鬼统治的世界里生活要好。
05:21 In other words, 换句话说，
05:22 it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault because
at least then they can hold on to the idea that their parents and the world around
them 对于孩子来说，将坏事和错误内化实际上是适应性的，因为至少这样他们可以坚持认为他们的父母和周围
的世界
05:34 is safe and good. 安全又好。
05:37 And while self-blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against
us in adulthood. 虽然自责在童年对我们有用，但我们都知道它在成年后对我们不利。
05:45 Something's wrong with me. 我有点不对劲。
05:46 I make bad things happen. 我让坏事发生。
05:48 I'm unlovable. 我不讨人喜欢。
05:49 These are the core fears of so many adults. 这些是许多成年人的核心恐惧。
05:52 But really, we see here they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when
we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired. 但实际上，我们
在这里看到它们实际上是我们在经历了无法修复的令人痛苦的事件后独自一人写下的童年故事。
06:06 Plus, adults with self-claim are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep of
worthlessness, none of which we want for our kids. 另外，自我主张的成年人很容易抑郁、
焦虑，陷入深深的无价值感，而这些都是我们不希望我们的孩子遇到的。
06:15 And we can do better. 我们可以做得更好。
06:16 And it doesn't mean we have to When you repair, you go further than removing
a child's story of self-blame. 这并不意味着我们必须修复，而不仅仅是消除孩子的自责故事。
06:24 You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.
您首先需要添加所有缺少的元素。
06:30 Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness. 安全、联系、连贯、爱、善良。
06:35 It says, if you're saying to a child, I will not let this chapter of your
life end in self-blame. 它说，如果你对一个孩子说，我不会让你人生的这一章以自责结束。
06:43 Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure
this chapter has a different ending, 是的，这一章仍然会包含大喊大叫的事件，但我可以保证
这一章有一个不同的结局，
06:51 and therefore a different title and theme and lesson learned. 因此，标题、主
题和经验教训也不同。
06:57 We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've
remembered that event. 我们知道，记忆是原始事件与您记住的每个其他事件的结合。
07:04 This is why therapy is helpful, right? 这就是为什么治疗有帮助，对吧？
07:07 When you remember painful experiences from your past, within a safer and more
connected relationship, the event remains but your story of the event. 当你在更安全、
更紧密的关系中回忆起过去的痛苦经历时，事件仍然存在，只是你的事件故事。
07:18 it changes, and then you change. 它改变了，然后你也改变了。
07:24 With repair, we effectively change the past. 通过修复，我们可以有效地改变过去。
07:29 So let's write a better story. 所以让我们写一个更好的故事。
07:32 Let's learn how to repair. 我们来学习如何修复。
07:34 Step one, repair with your friends. 第一步，和你的朋友一起修复。
07:37 That's right. 这是正确的。
07:38 I mean, you can't offer compassion or groundedness or understanding to
someone else before you access those qualities within yourself. 我的意思是，在你获得
自己内在的这些品质之前，你无法向别人提供同情心、脚踏实地或理解。
07:48 Self-repair means separating your identity, who you are, from your behavior,
what you did. 自我修复意味着将你的身份、你是谁、你的行为、你所做的事情分开。
07:58 For me, it means telling myself two things are true. 对我来说，这意味着告诉自己有
两件事是真的。
08:02 I'm not proud of my latest behavior and my latest behavior doesn't define me.
我并不为自己最近的行为感到自豪，而且我最近的行为并不能定义我。
08:08 Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside. 尽管我的外表很挣扎，
但我的内心仍然很好。
08:14 I can then start to see that I'm a good parent. 然后我就可以开始认识到我是一个好父
母。
08:18 who was having a hard time, behavior and no. 谁过得很艰难，行为举止也没有。
08:23 This doesn't let me off the hook. 这并没有让我摆脱困境。
08:26 This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change. 这正是让我陷入变革困
境的原因。
08:30 Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,因为现在我已经用脚踏
实地取代了我的螺旋，
08:33 I can actually use my energy toward thinking about what I want to do
differently the next time. 事实上，我可以利用我的精力思考下次我想要做什么不同的事情。
08:38 Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son. 哦，现在我可以用我的
精力和我儿子一起去修理了。
08:42 Step two, repair with your child. 第二步，和你的孩子一起修复。
08:45 There's no exact formula. 没有确切的公式。
08:46 I often think about three elements. 我经常思考三个要素。
08:48 Name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently
the next time. 说出发生的事情，承担责任，说明下次你会采取哪些不同的做法。
08:53 It could come together like this. 它可以像这样组合在一起。
08:55 Hey. 嘿。
08:57 I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen, I'm sorry
I yelled. 我一直在想那天晚上在厨房里发生的事情，我很抱歉我大喊大叫。
09:03 I'm sure that felt scary and it wasn't your fault. 我确信那感觉很可怕，但这不是
你的错。
09:06 I'm working on staying calm even when I'm frustrated. 即使我感到沮丧，我也会努力保
持冷静。
09:10 A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact. 15 秒的干预可能会产生终生的
影响。
09:14 I've replaced my child's story of self-blame with the story of self-trust and
safety and connection. 我用自信、安全和联系的故事取代了孩子自责的故事。
09:22 I mean, what a massive upgrade. 我的意思是，多么巨大的升级啊。
09:24 And to give a little more clarity around how to repair, 为了更清楚地说明如何
修复，
09:27 I want to share a few examples of what I call not repair, 我想分享几个我称之为
不修复的例子，
09:31 which are things that come more naturally to most of us, definitely me
included. 这些对我们大多数人来说都是更自然的事情，当然也包括我。
09:36 Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen. 嘿，对不起，我在厨房里对你大喊大叫。
09:39 but you know if you wouldn't have complained about dinner it wouldn't have
happened. 但你知道如果你不抱怨晚餐就不会发生这种情况。
09:43 Been there, 到过那里，
09:44 been there, 到过那里，
09:44 okay, or you know you really need to be grateful for things in your life like
a home cook meal then you won't get yelled at. 好吧，或者你知道你真的需要对生活中的事情心
存感激，比如一顿家常饭，这样你就不会被骂了。
09:54 Not only did these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, 这些干
预措施不仅未能实现重新连接的目标，
09:58 they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction, 他们还暗示你的反应是
你的孩子造成的，
10:01 which simply isn't true and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to
pass on to the next generation. 这根本不是事实，也不是我们想要传递给下一代的情绪调节模式。
10:12 So let's say we've all resisted the, it was your fault anyway, not repairs.
所以，假设我们都抵制，无论如何，这是你的错，而不是修理。
10:17 and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect. 而是优
先考虑修复，以便我们能够重新连接。
10:22 What might the impact be? 可能会产生什么影响？
10:24 What might that look like in adulthood? 成年后会是什么样子？
10:27 My adult child won't spiral and self-blame when they make a mistake and won't
take on blame for someone else's mistake. 我的成年孩子犯错时不会陷入困境和自责，也不会为别人
的错误承担责任。
10:35 My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior
because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours. 我成年的孩子会知道如
何对自己的行为负责，因为您已经为如何为自己的行为负责做出了榜样。
10:46 Repairing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult
relationship patterns. 今天与孩子的修复为这些重要的成人关系模式奠定了基础。
10:52 Plus, it gets better. 另外，它会变得更好。
10:54 Now that I've reconnected with my son, really impactful. 现在我和儿子重新建立
了联系，这对我影响很大。
10:59 I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids
actually change their behavior. 我可以教他一项他原本没有的技能，这就是孩子们如何真正改变
他们的行为。
11:06 So maybe the next day I say, you know, you're not always gonna like what I
make for dinner. 所以也许第二天我会说，你知道，你并不总是会喜欢我做的晚餐。
11:11 Instead of saying, that's disgusting, I wonder if you could say, not myself.
我想知道你是否可以说，不是我自己，而不是说“这很恶心”。
11:16 Now, I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment and
communicate effectively and respectfully with another person. 现在，我正在教他如何
调节他可以理解的失望情绪，并与他人进行有效和尊重的沟通。
11:25 That never would have happened if instead I had been blaming him for my
reaction. 如果我把我的反应归咎于他，这种事就不会发生。
11:31 So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern. 因此，这就是您
可能挥之不去的担忧的地方。
11:34 Maybe you're thinking, you know, I have a feeling my kid's older than your
kid. 也许你在想，你知道，我有一种感觉，我的孩子比你的孩子大。
11:40 I think it's too late, or I have done a lot worse than you did in the
kitchen, maybe it's too late. 我想已经太晚了，或者说我在厨房里做的比你差很多，也许已经太晚了。
11:49 Well, I mean this, if you have only one takeaway from this talk, please let
this be it. 好吧，我的意思是，如果您从这次演讲中只有一个收获，请就这样吧。
11:53 It is not too late, it is never too late. 还不算太晚，永远不会太晚。
11:58 How do I know? 我怎么知道？
12:00 Well, imagine right after this you get a call from one of your parents and if
neither of your parents are alive 好吧，想象一下，在这之后你接到了你父母之一的电话，如果你
的父母都不在世了
12:07 Imagine finding an opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment Okay,
walk through this with me. 想象一下，找到一封你在那之前才见过的信的开头。好吧，和我一起经历
这一切。
12:13 Here's the call Hey, 这是电话 嘿
12:16 I know this sounds out of the blue But I've been thinking a lot about your
childhood and I think there were a lot of moments that 我知道这听起来有些出乎意料，
但我一直在思考你的童年，我认为有很多时刻
12:26 felt really bad to you and you were right to feel that way.你的感觉真的很糟糕，
你的这种感觉是对的。
12:33 Those moments weren't your fault. 那些时刻不是你的错。
12:36 They were times when I was struggling and if I could have gone back, I would
have stepped aside. 那是我挣扎的时候，如果我能回到过去，我就会退到一边。
12:40 I would have calmed myself down and then found you to help you with whatever
you were struggling with. 我会让自己平静下来，然后找到你来帮助你解决你遇到的任何困难。
12:46 I'm sorry. 对不起。
12:48 And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I'll
listen. 如果你愿意和我谈论这些时刻，我会倾听。
12:53 I won't listen to have a rebuttal. 我不会听任何反驳。
12:55 I'll listen to understand. 我来听听就明白了。
12:57 I love you. 我爱你。
12:59 I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that
exercise. 我认识的成年人中，没有多少人对这项练习没有本能的反应。
13:05 I often hear, why am I crying? 我经常听到，我为什么哭？
13:09 Or, listen, that wouldn't change everything. 或者，听着，这不会改变一切。
13:13 But it might change some things. 但它可能会改变一些事情。
13:14 Well, I definitely do not special in my life. 嗯，我的生活绝对没有什么特别的。
13:19 But here's something I know a certainty, if you have a child, that child is
younger than you are. 但有件事我可以肯定，如果你有一个孩子，那个孩子比你小。
13:28 Always true. 永远真实。
13:31 The story of their life is shorter and even more amenable to editing. 他们的
生活故事更短，更容易编辑。
13:38 So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you imagine the impact an
actual repair will have on your child 因此，如果想象中的锻炼对您产生了影响，想象一下实际
修复会对您的孩子产生的影响
13:49 See I told you it's never too late. 看，我告诉过你，永远不会太晚。
13:52 Thank 谢谢