Entry 1

I really wanted to do this since the beginning but always find it tedious. I did once before and it was of
no help either. That was what I was looking for, something to lessen the burdens of daily existence. I’ll
be attempting this once more and hope to actually stick to it and make it a habit no matter what
because I feel like I have a lot of things to say but I simply am not able to.

There is so many things that I wish to accomplish, and with such a narrow timeframe as well so you can
only imagine what my headspace is like. I actually do want to support in daily chores, or perhaps I don’t
since I can’t seem to go about it and along with that I also just want to be less annoyed by the surround
background noise, whether they are justifiable or not, for I seem to not be able to tolerate in the degree
that one can gather their composure so that it isn’t so difficult to find peace after it. To add with that, I
dislike the common folk in a way that I do not want to mingle with them. There is just great difficulty
when it comes to getting your point across. And so I tend to avoid them.

Thusly, I want to start having this habit to sort of “empty the mind” as it is a common occurrence that I
linger in thoughts at night, consequently having to sleep way later than I want to. I often think about
others, my relations to them and I affected them. I want to start trying to seem okay, and aim to be,
with others as I play this social game of pretend and all that.

And rightfully I do find my senses feel a bit lighter as I’ve written a few paragraphs later.

I was thinking about the big Other and how it is all made up. It was the big Other who was making me
uncomfortable by making so much noise as an amalgamation of randomness. Yet also fiction, it was. I
cannot but feel relief to find out I am no longer in that way of thinking: that he is real, but in the sense
that he was punishing me there, though I am looking for disappointment but it is not there. It simply
isn’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

I wish to write to my heart’s content but now I’m at a standstill, where I feel like yes, I could but maybe I
could do something else. And so I should do something else.

Entry 2

Today I lose hope and there’s a great many things I want to address many things, so many that I may
leave out some like the last entries, yet wish to express all of it still. This is my attempt.

I’ve always received hostility from outside or that it is more accurate to say that for the most part, it
wasn’t pleasant experience to meet others within this patch of land that is hell. This is the common
small other way of thinking (I don’t know really): I notice things about you and directly tell you. With this
in mind, are these the type of people I want to impress? Of course, I think some part of me wants to be
all-inclusive, universalizing kindness and so on. But to what extent? To let them have their piece of cake
made by me? I refuse. Although, yes, I am not one who will make cake for others, but neither am I who
receive it myself. I feel a bit skeptical about this but either way, I will try not to be attached with their
impressions any longer.

This stems from the madness that was my childhood. My parents weren’t exactly into harboring an
environment that will try make the world seem less of daunting thing. I heavily dislike both of them and
as you can see, I am trying to dodge particularities as the big Other has so much control over me. Maybe
it is pathetic and awfully stupid. A remission from this would greatly needed. I am incredibly exhausted
dealing with people like these as I would to say that they are not outliers. I find similarities of their
behavioral pattern in some people, give or take. As Zizek would’ve said, “I cannot even rationalize myself
into thinking maybe it is good somehow.”

That which cannot be spoken, all societies have it. And family is the smallest unit of society.

If I would tell something I am hesitant to, it is that I am omitting to say some things here.

The mind is simply a tool like a flashlight for example. An object is for a great duration signified, if
signifying it carries use; this I noticed. Only for use? That I question.

Why does it matter and why doesn’t it? Nobody truly cares, and perhaps in the same way they also
experience it, or maybe it isn’t that. Maybe it is that there is no simple solution.

I was thinking of making a game that you simply observe, and perhaps if you dare, participate. Or
perhaps not. It’s still the premise either way.

With this much hope, I feel like I am moving nowhere. There is simply no progress. I just cannot move
with so much conflicting interest and I have to eventually pick one and then lose the other. It’s not
exactly what I had in mind but perhaps it must be done. Philosophy has become a daunting task of
reading other people’s work and theories and there’s just so many diverging paths in that field that
going through with programming at this point would cause me to go insane. There’s just so much to do.
Should I do all of them?
I even considered at one point to start becoming a youtuber, and just make videos about my thoughts
and such. But I easily disregarded it and went back to my original plan. And I seem to have done the
same thing to animating, 3D modeling and learning C#, I both replaced them for learning C and Python
and the progress, I feel, could be increased. How can I resolve this? Should I stick to it?

I’m not even afraid if it’s a mistake.

My ways weren’t clear cut. I should imagine myself as a worm inching its way forward, but can never
know what stands in my path until I explore it.

Entry 3

Entry 4

It seems I have failed to make Entry 3, though for good reason as yesterday was uneventful. Still, I feel
that I have a need to keep writing entries as they are of high importance to me. I want to

Entry 5

Hysteria is about the indubitable. Morality of the immediate. Absolute knowing. Psychosis: “We are
doomed once we open our mouths.”

I’m tired of the noise. All round noise. Speakers everywhere. And that one person that I do not know
who screamed maybe not knowing I was there. Either way, they’re annoying as fuck. Horrible people. I
can only wonder those who live in a much more urbanized area are like. I literally cannot stop screaming
about it. They’re shameless morons. I cannot stand it seriously. I’m so done. It just makes me so sad
beyond belief that I cannot stop hearing things without rest. Why are things like this? I am impressed at
how they manage to be unheard when they are being recorded yet their noise is far-reaching. I’ve been
having a problem with these people for a long time and nothing has yet changed. I’m tired of it. I’m
really tired. I’m so sorry but I cannot anymore sometimes. I just can’t.

Some people say things to no longer say things to themselves (think) or remove it from their
consciousness.