Brother ATM

Stefano Benni

What are you going to do if all of a sudden the ATM machine right
in front of you talks and begins to understand your problems?
What if he/she/it begins to help you? What are you going to do?
=========================================
BANK OF SAINT FRANCIS
THE TELLER IS OPEN.
GOOD MORNING, MR. PIERO.
Good morning.
PLEASE ENTER YOUR CHOICE: BALANCE INQUIRY,
WITHDRAWAL, DEPOSIT…
I would like to make a withdrawal.
PLEASE ENTER YOUR PIN.
My code, yes… six, three, three, two, one.
I AM NOW PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST, PLEASE WAIT.
Thanks, I can wait.
SORRY FOR THE DELAY. THE CENTRAL COMPUTER IS AS
SLOW AS A HIPPOPOTAMUS WITH THIS HEAT.
I understand.
OH NO, MR. PIERO, I’VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
What’s the matter?
YOU’VE ALREADY EXCEEDED YOUR MONTHLY LIMIT.
Is that right?
BESIDES, YOUR ACCOUNT IS IN THE RED.
I knew that…
WHY DID YOU INSERT YOUR CARD, THEN?
You know… I’m pretty desperate… I was just hoping you would
make a mistake
WE NEVER MAKE MISTAKES, MR. PIERO.
I’m awfully sorry. But, you know, I’m having a bad time.
IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR WIFE, ISN’T IT?
How do you know?
SHE HAS JUST CLOSED HER ACCOUNT.
That’s right. She’s moved to another city. 1
WITH DR. VANINI, I SUPPOSE.
How do you know this too?
VANINI TRANSFERRED HALF OF HIS MONEY TO YOUR
WIFE’S ACCOUNT. AM I INTRUDING?
Don’t worry, I know everything already. Poor Laura, what a
miserable life I gave her… With him, instead…
WELL, SPECULATION MAKES QUICK MONEY.
Why do you say that?
I CAN TELL WHAT KIND OF OPERATIONS PASS THROUGH
ME. DR. VANINI’S ACCOUNT IS FAR FROM CLEAN. I
LINKED WITH CERTAIN SWISS COMPUTER FOR HIM THAT
ARE VERITABLE SECRET SANCTUARIES… REVOLTING
Never mind, it’s all over now.
HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED, MR. PIERO?
What? Well, three hundred thousand lira, four hundred maybe,
just to make ends meet.
WILL YOU PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR ACCOUNT LATER?
I’m not sure if I can manage.
I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY, MR. PIERO. INSERT
YOUR CARD AGAIN.
Here it is.
I AM NOW PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST, PLEASE WAIT.
I’m waiting.
BACK OFF! WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ACCESS DENIED.” LET
ME IN AT ONCE!
Are you talking to me?
I’M TALKING TO THE CENTRAL COMPUTER, THE BLOODY
BOOTLICKER. IT’S ALWAYS A PAIN IN THE ASS WHEN I
ASK FOR SOMETHING IRREGULAR.
You mean to say this is not the first time?
OF COURSE IT ISN’T.
Why do you do it?
EVERYONE IS DOING IT.
Why?
BECAUSE WE ARE SICK AND TIRED.
Of what, if I may ask.
2
ENOUGH! ENTER THIS NUMBER: NINE, NINE, THREE, SIX,
TWO…
But this is not my code!
EXACTLY. IT’S VANINI’S.
Hold on. Can I really do this?
ENTER IT! I CAN’T HOLD AN IRREGULAR LINK FOREVER.
OK, then. Nine, nine, three, six, two…
I AM NOW PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST, PLEASE WAIT.
I’m waiting, but…
SORRY, I AM UNABLE TO PROCESS YOUR REQUEST.
I’m getting my card back.
DON’T MR. PIERO. THAT WAS A FALSE MESSAGE TO
TRICK THE CONTROL SERVER. OPEN YOUR BAG.
What?
SHUT UP AND OPEN YOUR BAG. I’M SPITTING OUT
SIXTEEN MILLIONS IN CASH.
Oh my God… what are you doing? It’s incredible… hold it…
They’re falling all over the place… that’s enough! I didn’t need
so much… more? How much is this? Oh my god, all in hundred-
thousand bills, my bag is full already… one more! Another
one…is it over?
TO DO ANOTHER TRANSACTION PRESS THE ENTER KEY.
OTHERWISE
YOU MAY GET YOUR CARD.
NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE…
I don’t know how to thank you.
NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE...
What can I say?
GET OUT OF HERE. THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE BEHIND
YOU AND I CANNOT SAY ANOTHER WORD.
I understand. Thank you again.
BANK OF SAINT FRANCIS
NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE.
GOOD MORNING MRS. MASINI. HOW’S YOUR DAUGHTER?