RandomBuzzersNaNoWriMoShortStoryProject

CHAPTER #1 Written by BuzzGirl

Sam, I really dont think this is a good idea, Dean hissed, crouching next to me in the mucky undergrowth of the shrubbery hedging in Mr. Collins cul de sac. I think Im stepping in some poo!

I didnt need to show I was rolling my eyes hed already know as I was doing it. He always knew. Twins were like that, even fraternal ones.

No youre not, I said. Its probably just mulch. Therere no animals here to poo on the street, anyway. Even so, I felt bad. My brother was a bit of a germaphobe and clean freak, but not nearly as bad as our dad, whod be sure to pitch a fit when he saw our sneakers tonight. Thoughts of our fathers scolding quickly faded when I remembered what Id just said and why we were spying on Mr. Collins in the first place.

This place was weird. There was no doubt about it. But the why and what made it so tricky, slipping away when you tried to pinpoint it, like a word that couldnt quite propel off the tip of your tongue. We didnt notice for the first few days because we were so busy unpacking and moping in the limp summer heat; we just thought everything was so still because wed moved to the middle of nowhere from New York. Then, it started getting to us.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 4:39 PM

Comment: Thissentenceisalittlehardto follow.Wemightwanttocleanitupsoits clearertoreaders.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 4:39 PM

Dad had commented in passing over his eggs one morning about how nice and quiet it was. No cars constantly honking and blaring, the screams and shouts of angry pedestrians none of the constant sound pollution that had become unbearable to him since mom died. He even managed a feeble smile as he butted the ketchup bottle with the heel of his palm. Tap tap tap, went the glass as the thin, watery red of store brand sauce spurted out, like ribbons of fake blood in a horror movie.

Comment: Specificityhelpsreadersbelievethe story.Itwouldbebettertoaddastate,suchas middleofnowherePennsylvania

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:14 PM

Comment: Shouldwechangethisto disappearedorleftgiventhatwediscoverin theendthatshesnotdead?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:15 PM

Comment: Ha!Ilikethisfunnybitof foreshadowing.Andnoticehowaddingthe specificdetailsoftheketchupgivethestorydetail thatmakesitbelievable(assuggestedinthe abovenote).

After that, the almost suffocating silence was all we noticed. Then we noticed that there were no animals. No birds, no squirrels no pets even. No one walked dogs and no house cats prowled around at night. The people were even stranger. A nod was all you got in the mornings if you even chanced to see them striding down to their cars. Lights inside houses promptly went out at 9:30pm. Porch lights were off by 10. Except on Sundays.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:16 PM

Comment: Itseemslesslikelytoseearaccoon thanasquirrelorbird,somaybeweshouldput somethingmorelikelytosee,suchasnopets even.Anybettersuggestions?

On Sunday nights at 11pm, after all the lights were out, a procession of people would walk down the empty road, making their way to Mr. Collins house at the end of the cul de sac. Theyd fall into single file and entered his house through the side door. Precisely an hour later, theyd reemerge from the cellar door, fall back into single file, and return the same way they came from.

Which was why my twin and I were now squatting in some mulch, trying not to gag and peering through the darkness without the help of flashlights. He was looping his hoodie string around his fingers over and over, and I was chewing on the end of my ponytail. Nothing was happening.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:12 PM

Comment: IsSammie(thenarrator)aboyora girl?Readingtheentirestory,Ithoughthewasa boy.ButhecouldbeaSamantha.Whatdoyou allthink?Thisisalwaysagoodthingto rememberwhenwritinginthefirstperson.Make sureyourreaderquicklydiscoverswhetheryour maincharacterisaboyorgirlandwhathis/her nameis.

Dean sighed. Come on Sammie, lets go ho He stopped short, mouth falling open in surprise. I whipped my head around and saw Mr. Collins and a bunch of other adults standing behind us, arms crossed. I didnt stop to think and just grabbed Deans hand.

RUN!

CHAPTER #2 Written by JoMarch17

We dashed away from the crowd, my heart pounding. We couldnt get in trouble for watching people, right? Or was that invasion of privacy? What would they do if they caught us?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:08 PM

Comment: Sincetheadultsarebehindthem,not surroundingthem,letsmaketheactionclear.

Then I realized that they werent even trying to. They were just staring at us, watching us in a sort of apathetic manner. In a way it was scarier than if they had been chasing us. I stopped short, causing Dean to stumble.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:08 PM

Comment: Oneadjectiveisstrongerthantwo. Doesapatheticfeellikethemostdescriptive adjective?

He tugged at my hand. Come on, Sam! he barked, but I didnt move.

RandomBuzzersNaNoWriMoShortStoryProject

Mr. Collins had made eye contact with me, and without breaking it, turned his head towards his home. Our own house was only a few feet away, and it would be so easy to listen to Dean and head inside. Dad was probably humming to himself as he brushed his teeth, the TV in his room turned onto ESPN. We could go in and fall asleep to the hushed sound of a sportscaster down the hall, just like we did every night.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:21 PM

Comment: Ithinkweshouldclarifyandmake thismorevisualbysayingsomethinglikeWe hadreachedourfrontporch

What are you doing? Dean hissed, and I wondered the same thing. By this point, the other adults were starting to return to Mr. Collins house.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:23 PM

Comment: Ihavemixedfeelingsonthisverb. Technicallythedialogueisntmakingahissing sound(nostrongssounds),butitgetsthepoint acrosstoreaders.Isthereabetterspeechverb wecoulduse?Ingeneral,Iprefertoavoidover usingverbsbesidessaid.Buttherearetimes theyhelpmakeastrongersenseofurgencyor emotion.

My mind, my reason, seemed to be elsewhere as I let go of my brothers hand and followed suit. Mr. Collins never looked back, but I found myself drawn toward him, toward his house and the others. Dean grabbed me by the shoulders, his eyes wide. Sam, what are you doing?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:25 PM

Comment: IfMr.Collinsisheadingbacktohis house,howcanSamseehissmile?Ipersonally finditcreepierwithoutthesmile.Letsalsomake surethereadersunderstandthatSamisclearly feelingthismysteriousdrawtofollowMr.Collins.

I shook my head at him and he quieted.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:28 PM

We were at the threshold of the house now, and I took a deep breath before walking in. It was pitch black, and the darkness seemed to snap me back to reality. All of the terrible, horrendous things that could happen to us played through my head, and I wanted nothing more than to run away. Then a light flickered on, and for the first time, I could see the individual faces of the adults. I gasped, and I heard Dean curse next to me, as one of them stepped forward.

Comment: Brightfeelslikeanadjectiveto describedelightratherthanfear.Aswiththe earliersuggestionthatoneadjectiveisbetterthan two,shouldwejustkeepwidetoshowDeans fear?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:26 PM

Comment: LetsmakeitclearthatDeanhas helpedtobreakthemindcontrollingspellofMr. Collins.Howcanwedothat?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:28 PM

Comment: Togivespecificandvisual descriptions,maybeweshouldchangethisto door.Whatdoyouthink?

It was Dad.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:31 PM

Comment: Usingtheadultsratherthan adultsmakesitseemlikeweretalkingabout theadultswhowerewithMr.Collins.Shouldwe deletethisthe?MaybeevenchangeittoI couldseearoomfullofadultsoranother descriptionofthesurprisingsceneintheirliving room.

Chapter #3 Written by intothemorning

"Uh you boys were supposed to be upstairs playing video games," Dad grumbled and I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or not but it seemed like he was trying not to look slightly panicked.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:33 PM

Comment: Despitethetwinsfearofgettingin troublewiththeirdad,Ithinktheymightbemore surprisedthattheirdadhasallthesepeoplein theirhouseinthedark.Maybeoneofthetwins shouldaskWhoareallthesepeople?

But panicked didn't seem to be the right response. It was more emotion than he should have been showing, wasn't it? Wasn't he part of Mr. Collins group of brainwashed adults now? Wasn't that how the horror movies always went? The kids come home and realize the parents, the last vestiges of their hope for survival had been ripped away and called to the dark side?

Dean elbowed me in the gut and I realized I had been holding my breath. It came out in a gush of breath and Dad looked over his shoulder at the others behind him. I recognized some of the people I had seen before on our street. The only ones I had ever viewed walking to their cars in the morning. The only ones who had even acknowledged we existed even if it was only with a slight nod as they kept their eyes down.

"Dude, you are such a drama queen," my twin said as though he had been reading my mind, which I wasn't entirely sure he couldn't do after all these years.

Dad ran a hand through his short dark hair, a sure sign that he was worried and trying not to show it. Several of the adults on the couches in our living room glanced furtively toward the parted curtains behind me.

"Mr. Collins and his people are inside now, I think we're okay," Dad said to the others and it was like a visible wave of relaxation flooded the room.

"Dad, what's going on?" Dean demanded.

Rather than answer, Dad's eyes traveled down toward our shoes. "Go upstairs and get cleaned up," he said simply.

"Dad!" Dean said, his voice rising a bit.

RandomBuzzersNaNoWriMoShortStoryProject
Dad looked at Dean, a look of steel in his eyes. He was in papa bear mode now. I had seen that look way too many times. Especially since Mom died. He was going to protect us from whatever was happening as fiercely as he protected us from everything else in our lives. I felt a spark of frustration that I tried to force to fizzle. There was no use going against Dad when he was in this mood.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:35 PM

Comment: Shouldwechangethisto disappearedorleft?

"Come on, Dean," I said quietly and started toward the stairs.

That was when I saw her. Tall and pale and beautiful, she stood in the shadowy corner of the room, arms crossed over her chest. She was our age and she looked just as annoyed as Dean. I glanced back at my brother and saw he had noticed her too. He had this look on his face that told me he'd forgotten all about the weirdness of Dad and the other adults sitting in the dark in our living room. Inwardly I rolled my eyes.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:35 PM

Comment: Ilikethispossibleromanticplot thread,butthegirldoesntgetcontinuedinthe restofthestory.Shouldwedosomethingwith herinthefinalchaptersordeleteher?

Which was when the world erupted in brilliant light all around us.

Chapter 4 Written by nicolesometimes

Down, now! Dad screamed, his voice barely audible over the sound of the blast. Wed just reached the top of the stairs when the front windows shattered, sending the heat and smoke throughout the house. Dean grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me down beside him. What was that? I asked, coughing on the smoke.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:37 PM

Comment: Tohelpmakethescenefully visualized,itmighthelptodescribewhatthe adultsintheroomdowhenthisexplosionoccurs.

Look, Dean whispered, pointing towards Mr. Collins house. I couldnt believe what I was seeing. Mr. Collins house was engulfed in flames. There are people running from the house.

What did you do? I cried out, my eyes searching for Dad through the gleams of the flames. Why, Dad?

It was the only option, Sammie. He slowly climbed up the stairs, his arms extended out for us to grab onto. The ash from the fire had found its way inside, covering every inch of downstairs and part of dads face. We didnt have a choice.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 4:39 PM

Comment: Letsmakethisgestureeasierto visualize.Maybehisarmsextendedtotakeus inanembrace.?

What do you mean you didnt have a choice? I hissed.

We did what needed to be done, one of the others approached behind him. Her red, curly hair and pale skin covered in ash. It wasnt an easy decision by any means, dear, but it was the only choice. If there was another way

But there wasnt. Dad said. Come on, we need to get out of here.

Dean grabbed a hold of one of Dads hands, his face streaked with tears. Come on, Sammie.

I reached out, my hand gripping Dads, when there was a loud bang on the front door.

No, Dad cried, pulling away from us instantly. Go hide in your room lock the door!

Without another word, Dean and I took off towards our bedroom. We threw the door shut, locking it as we did. Dean ran over to the back windows, opening them ever so slightly.

Thats when I heard him.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:40 PM

Comment: Ithinkweneedabettersenseofhow Mr.Collinsvoiceisbeingprojected.Ishe shouting?Orisitbeingbroadcastinsomeother way?

Did you really think that would work?

RandomBuzzersNaNoWriMoShortStoryProject

Chapter 5 Submitted by LORDFRIDAY

His voice was cascaded through the hallways and into our room, carrying with it a menacing echo. The sound of it reminded me of a low growl, much different the Mr. Collins, Dean and I both knew.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:40 PM

Comment: Letsmakesurereaderscanclearly visualizewhatsgoingon.Itsdifficultiftheboys (andbyextensionweasthereaders)cantsee whatMr.Collinsandthedadaredoing.

Did you honestly think that that explosion would stop us? Our plan is already in motion, and nothing can prevent my plan from happening. Soon, the entire world will become brainwashed, just as I had done to everybody else on this pathetic street. By broadcasting through the gigantic antenna placed in a secret location, every single persons television, radio, and music device will perform my hypnotic tune. Once everyone has heard it, they will listen to me and me alone.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 4:50 PM

Comment: Thisisabigstretchofdialogue,so letsbreakitupwithsomeaction.Maybethe twinscrackthedoorandseeMr.Collinscoming upthestairstowardtheirdadblockingthedoor.

But where is it? my dad asked, pathetically. It had sounded as though he had fallen onto the floor.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 4:51 PM

Comment: Aw,thedadsbeingsobrave otherwise.Couldweuseadifferentadjective? Maybedesperately?

What, the antenna? Somewhere you would never be able to find it! But I guess Ill tell you anyway, since Im about to kill you. It is hidden right in front of you, behind my house in the old well.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:01 PM

Comment: Whymightthedadfalldown?Could Mr.Collinsknockhimdownorthreatenhimwith aweapon?Helpthereaderseetheactionfrom Samsperspective.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:50 PM

And with that, I rushed out of the room and right into Mr. Collins stomach. As he fell to the ground, he pushed a button hidden inside of his jacket and our television flashed to life. Amazingly, the power had not been knocked out in the explosion. Then, a tune began to fill the air, seemingly from every direction. It began to cloud my mind and obstruct all thoughts of destroying the antenna. Then I saw my father lying lifeless on the floor flashed through my mind and I remembered what I had set out to do.

Comment: Ideally,ourhero(Samsincehes theviewpointcharacter)wouldfigurethisout ratherthanthevillaintellingusit.Protagonists shouldearnthroughcleverness,bravery,etc. anythingimportantandhelpfultoresolvingthe plot.Maybethetwinscouldnoticetheantennaor thewellinchapterone?WhenMr.Collinssays ItshiddenrightinfrontofyouthenSamfigures outwhereitisandheadsforthewellwithoutMr. Collinsactuallyrevealingthatitsinthewell.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:51 PM

I ran out of the house and into the street and peered at the burning rubble of Mr. Collins house. Dean sped right behind me, carrying the limp body of the monster himself.

Comment: Thisseemstherightwayoutofthe predicamentofthemindcontroldevice:Sam beingmotivatedbythedangerhisfatherisin.Is itclearenoughforreadersthatthisiswhathas happened?Ivetriedtomakeitmoreobvious. Doesthisworkwellordoyouhaveother suggestions?

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:03 PM

Is he dead? I asked.

Comment: WouldDeancarryoutMr.Collins ratherthanhisfather?IfheleavesMr.Collinsand rescuesthedad,wecouldalwaysdiscoverthat Mr.Collinshasdisappearedlater.

Nah, Dean said, Just unconscious. I guess you really packed a punch!

We have to destroy the antenna. I said.

How?

Just trust me.

We ran past the scorching wreckage and into his back yard. Curiously, we hadnt seen any of Mr. Collins brainwashed goons. As we arrived at the well, I checked the stones they were loose, which is what I wanted. I could hear a faint humming coming from the well, and as I looked down, I saw it. A giant piece of metal, polished bright and shiny. It looked like an oversized computer, not at all like any antenna I had ever seen. There were lights all around it, flashing and blinking different colors of blue, green, and red. It looked vulnerable, sitting at the bottom of the well.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:04 PM

Comment: Isthistooconvenienttoescapethis danger?CouldDeanfendoffthegoonswhile Samdestroystheantenna?

Then I told Dean what to, we began hurtling the loose stones at the box with all our strength, and as the first one hit, it left a huge dent. Three, four, five stones and it was done. The lights didnt blink anymore, and the hum was gone. Then, the smoke started. There was a loud beeping coming from the bottom of the well.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:05 PM

Comment: Ratherthantellingthis,itwouldbe strongerifitisshownthroughdialogue.

RUN!

An explosion more powerful than the one from the house boomed across the neighborhood, as soon as we stumbled onto the pavement of the street. The force from the blast was so strong, that Dean and I were thrown onto the rough surface.

Then I realized what we had done. Dean had left Mr. Collins unconscious body by the well when we were throwing the rocks. Mr. Collins was gone.

I looked back at the house and saw my dad on the front porch, looking grim and exhausted. People began to come out of their houses, no longer zombies. They gathered

RandomBuzzersNaNoWriMoShortStoryProject
around us and shook our hands and thanked us for freeing them from their hypnotic trance. It was then I noticed the woman sitting next to my father.

Although I dont think I had ever seen her before, she looked familiar. My brother had the same short, black hair as my fathers, but her red, curly hair was the same as mine, only longer. My brother had the same sharp features as my fathers, but mine were less defined, and she even had the same round nose as I did. Then everything snapped back into memory that was my mom.

John Claude Bemis 10/30/11 7:07 PM

Comment: IreallylikethisendingMr.Collins disappearingtoleavethepossibilityofasequel andthemomreturning.Maybeweshouldchange theearlierchapterssothemotherisntdeadbut simplymissing.