A Christian Guide to

COURTSHIP
DATING &
MARRIAGE
(A HANDBOOK FOR ALL CHRISTIAN YOUTHS)

Foreword by
Pastor (Mrs.) Victoria O. Ayine, PhD
Lecturer, Federal College of Education, Obudu, CRS, Nigeria
 A Christian Guide to Courtship
Dating & Marriage

©2018, Rev. Eleazar Otuson

Published by
Aflame Gospel Publications (AGP)
Gospel House, St Michael Otuson’s Close
Abijah Beebo, Boki LGA,
Cross River, Nigeria

ISBN: 978-37606-8=8

All Rights Reserved

Contents may not be reproduced in part or in whole in any form,

electronic, mechanical, or photocopying, or otherwise, without prior
written permission from the Author.

‘’Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are from the Holy
Bible, Authorized King James Version © 2012 by the Bible Society of
Nigeria, 18 Wharf Road, P. O. Box 68 Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Printed in Nigeria by
Onah Printers & Co
Igoli, Ogoja
Cross River State, Nigeria
 To our only Daughter,
Our joy and delight,
Princess Dorcas
Osuwaonibo Otuson;
And all Christians Youths
Who are determined to
Honor God in all
This Book is dedicated
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Thanks and praise to God Almighty who gave me the impetus

to write this Book; who granted me knowledge and
understanding and made this dream real today.

I deeply appreciate the Church Board and Members of the

Blessed Center cathedral, Assemblies of God, Okundi, Boki
District, for their Love. I thank the youths especially with
whom I enjoyed working with which made this burden
fruitful.

Many thanks to my District Superintendent, Rev C. B. Ayine

for his Leadership and his Wife in particular, pastor Dr. (Mrs.)
Victoria Ayine for writing the Foreword of this Book. May
God continue to bless you and use you for his glory.

My deepest appreciation goes to my precious Wife, Pastor

(Mrs.) Esther Otuson and my Children for their Love and
companionship. I love you all.
 CONTENTS

Dedication - - - - - - 2
Acknowledgement - - - - 4
Foreword - - - - - - 6
Introduction - - - - - 7

SECTION ONE: Understanding Courtship & Dating

1. A Look at Courtship and Dating - - 10
2. The Bible Speaks - - - - 16
3. The Christian Perspective- - - 23
4. The Dangerous Game - - - 27
5. The Christian Youth in Courtship - 40
6. The Warning Signs - - - - 47
7. Common Bad Habits - - - 56

SECTION TWO: God’s Will in Marriage

8. A look at the Will - - - - 62
9. Wrong Methods of finding God’s Will - 70
10. Finding God’s Will in Marriage - - 78

Endnotes - - - - - - 86

Bibliography - - - - - 88
 FOREWARD

This Book, ‘’A CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO COURTSHIP,

DATING AND MARRIAGE’’ is a timely solution provider to the
Christian youth on issues bothering around who should I
marry? Is this the suitable partner provided by God for me?
How do I identify true love and relationship? And how will I
please God in my marriage preparations?
This Book is an invaluable material for counselling on
how a Christian youth can establish a ‘’righteous Courtship’’
if necessary as asserted by Myles Monroe. This is because the
world and the church have different perspectives on every
practice and intentions.
The Author, Rev. Evang. Eleazar Otuson, is an astute
and proven teacher and preacher of the Word of God for
many years and committed and dedicated husband and
father for about 25 years. With his counselling experience in
marriage relationships, he deemed it fit to deal with this
problem from the foundation – which is courtship and dating
– considering its concepts, different views, the dangerous
effect when wrongly handled, signs to be careful about and
common bad habits.
The young Christian is guided by this Book on what to
do and what not to do as to enable him/her lay a god, basic
and godly marital root which their entire marriage life and
relationship will stand upon for the glory of God and their joy
as a Couple. This exposition will help the youth to acquire the
knowledge of the dangerous effect of courtship and dating if
handled wrongly, and the immeasurable blessings when
practiced with carefulness and the fear of God, observing the
proper habits and principles – which results to building for
oneself a future and ‘’a fulfilled home’’
 Having gone through this Book with all its cogent
illustrations and diagrams, I am strongly recommending it to
the 21st century Christian Youth who desires to end a happy
and successful marriage in future. This Book is a must read.
Picking up this piece in your hand and blending with prayers,
God will surely order your steps and you will not be victim of
the ‘’BIG MISTAKE’’ in Jesus Name.

Pastor Mrs. Victoria O. Ayine (JP), PhD

Boki District WM Coordinator, Assemblies of God Nigeria
Lecturer: Federal College of Education, Obudu, CRS
 INTRODUCTION

C ourtship and dating are two methods single people begin

a relationship with the opposite sex1. In fact, this has
become famous worldwide and is acceptable among non-
Christians today. The impact of this phenomenon is so strong
that it is now a subject of discussion and debate among
Christian youths.
Thus, it has become necessary to assert the true
Christian position and views on courtship and dating and face
the reality in providing answers to the questions of concern
to the Christian youths in the 21st century church.
The question to consider among others are (1) Is
courtship or dating biblical? (2) Should Christians court or
date in order to find a suitable marriage partner? (3) To what
extent should a Christian be involved in courtship or date?
(4) Are there any dangers to avoid as a Christian? (5) How do
Christians view courtship?
These and more are striking questions the Author
intends to answer in this Book, with the view of helping
Christians maintain a good testimony before the world. This
Book is intended to help single Christians secure a solid
foundation for a life-long marriage relationship that will bring
glory to God.
It is my earnest prayer that God will give you the
wisdom and understanding you need as a single Christian to
keep pure, secure and chaste in courtship, if you chose to get
involved. This Book also provides information that will help
church pastors and leaders for counselling young people who

1
Houdmann
are into courtship or date and at the point of getting married
to do so in an honorable way and to the glory of God.
Courtship is an honored,
successful practice of
learning about someone
enough whether or not
the two are compatible
for marriage
 Chapter One

Courtship and Dating

The word ‘’Courtship’’ and ‘’Date’’ are no longer

foreign among young people in the 21st century. You hear of
one guy asking a gal out for a Date; and others talking about
Courtship. Have you bothered yourself to ask what it really
means to Court or date? There’s danger also in just delving
into what you know nothing or little about as it would be a
leap in the dark. Thus, it becomes necessary to really find out
whether or not it is important for you to get involved.
In order to make for a clearer understanding of this
subject, it is important to define Courtship and dating. The
English Dictionary defines the word ‘’courtship’’ in different
and interesting ways. Consider the following below:

A Prelude to Marriage
The word ‘prelude’ indicates, first of all, that Courtship
is not marriage per say, but a preliminary and process
towards it. Courtship generally is a period in a romantic
relationship before marriage characterized by, and involving,
love affair suitable for the expression of tender emotions.
Thus it becomes questionable as to whether a
Christian should be involved as such expression of tender
emotions, or fleshly lusts are sinful to all ‘who walk not after
the flesh, but after the spirit’’ (Rom. 8:1). Here, it is not the
place of fun for everyone to get involved, but a threading
ground for those who are matured enough and ready for
marriage.
Trying to get someone’s Love
In Courtship, you are trying hard to get the love of
another – the opposite sex. It is paying attention to someone
with the view of developing a more intimate relationship. In
this case, you are only showing interest with the view of
gaining something, winning the love of the opposite sex.

Ingratiating Behavior
Ingratiating behavior refers to the act of trying to
please the opposite sex in other to win a favor, gain an
advantage, establish an alliance, or other relationship. It is a
selfish disposition.

Mating Behavior
In Zoology, this is the act of attracting another animal
or bird as a mate in Courtship; a time during which animals
or birds engage in this; or specialized behavior in animals that
leads to, or initiates’’ mating2. Courtship general involves
three basic activities today – wooing, dating, engagement as
its end result. A closer look at each of these words reveals
what courtship and dating is all about.

Firstly, wooing is seeking the love of an opposite sex in

other to marry him/her. Here, you are only trying to please
him or her in order to gain an advantage or something,
especially acceptance, fame or approval. In wooing someone
we persuade, so the activities initiated in the bit to achieve
this includes such as going out together with the opposite sex
for Launch or Dinner, special events, etc. – as a social
romantic partner.

2
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (4th Ed)
 Tom Brown maintains that dating is the world’s way to
find a Spouse. According to him, one is rather to find a bride
through Courtship which he describes as ‘’a more scriptural
way to meet a spouse3’’

In true Courtship, commitment comes before intimacy;

Dating on the other hand, is a modern game where
intimacy is practiced before commitment
Secondly, is a by-product of wooing involving the
activities employed to win the opposite sex, which often
involves romantic talk, holding hands, kissing, making out
and often sexual intercourse. The word ‘date’ also comes
from the word ‘mate’ and it doesn’t sound good to tell
someone you are mating with Mr. ‘’X’’. People prefer to use
the word ‘’date’ which sounds much better.
Look up the word date in an Encyclopedia and you are
referred to see ‘sex’ and ‘teenage’4. Merriam Webster
defines dating as the activities that occur when people are
developing a romantic relationship that could lead to
marriage5.
Thirdly, Engagement is the target of wooing and dating
and is simply an agreement to get married. A commitment to
each other towards a life-long marriage relationship.
Courtship or dating has specific goal for all involved – seeking
a life partner. The question is, “how reliable is this method
for securing a solid foundation for marriage?” is courtship or
dating a good idea for Christians? Let’s dig down deep into

3
Brown
4
Ibid
5
Webster
reality in the next chapters and find out if a born again child
of God should be involved, or is there any danger to avoid.
While some have argued that there’s no difference
between courtship and dating, other maintained that there
is a clear difference between the two. Those who argue that
courtship and dating are the same do so, on grounds that
they both are methods towards finding a marriage partner.
Lies Young in his view maintains on the contrary thus:

“There isn’t any difference between the words dating and

courtship”6

To him, it’s simply semantics. That someone is doing

the same thing and calling it something different, doesn’t
mean they are less committed.7 The Urban Dictionary states
that dating is for fun and courtship is for marriage and that
traditional courting would never include sexual activity, but
today that is not usually followed.8
Tom brown, who describes dating as the World’s way
to find a spouse, also noted that dating is a modern game
where intimacy is practiced before commitment. According
to him, courtship is an honored, successful practice of
learning about someone enough whether or not the two is
compatible for marriage.

“Dating is a modern game where intimacy is

practiced before commitment… Real Courtship is
commitment before intimacy”
6
Young
7
Ibid
8
Urban Dictionary
 True courtship often involves friendship, discovering
each individuals future plans, knowing the parents (if they
are alive or not) and praying privately for God’s will in the
matter. When both finally decides to get married, they pray
together and move to their parents – to seek their blessing;
and to their pastor to seek his approval.
In courtship, after the engagement the individuals still
avoid intimacy until marriage. Real courtship is commitment
before intimacy.9

9
Brown, Ibid
“The words “courtship” and
“dating” are not found in
the Bible, and they are never
a scriptural mandate either.
These are not Bible doctrines
and there is no scriptural
command that Christians
should court or date”.
 Chapter Two

Biblical Principles

E very genuinely born again Christian accepts the Bible as

the final Authority and infallible rule of faith and
practice. To a Christian, whatever is not in agreement with
the revealed truth of God’s word – the Bible – must be
rejected. It is absolutely unwise for a Christian to jump into
conclusion about any issue without finding out what the
Bible has to say about it. Many fall into this error of just
accepting anything that appeals to them, or that is generally
accepted. What really matters is not the acceptability with
many, but its biblical approval.

“The Bible thus provides principles that

Christians should, or are to go by, during the
period before marriage”
It is true that the words “courtship” and “dating” are
not found in the Bible, and they are not a scriptural mandate
either. These are not Bible doctrines and there is no biblical
command that Christians should court or date. This must be
understood, to make for a clearer understanding of the
prescriptions of this Book.
Nevertheless, the Bible thus provides principles that
Christians should, or are to go by, during the period before
marriage. It is this scriptural principles that should determine
what you as a Christian should do, or not do during the period
before marriage.
 What really matters is the end result of the process –
godly men and women getting married and raising families
to the glory of God. You must also bear in mind that it is
Christian character, as well as, the spiritual maturity of the
couple that is far more important for a successful marriage,
than the exact nature of how and when they spend time
together.
Courtship has been around for a long time. To some,
it’s an old-fashioned word that conjures images of a couple
sitting down in a living room under the watchful eyes of their
parents until the fellow gets down on his knees and
proposes.

It is Christian character, as well as, the spiritual

maturity of the couple that is far more important for a
successful marriage, than the exact nature of how and
when they spend time together.
Courtship crashed back into the cultural landscape
several years ago when Joshua wrote the Book, “I kissed
dating Goodbye”. Since then, many families and young
people have adopted a commitment to courtship.
Nevertheless, the Bible does provide guidelines to help a
single Christian in seeking for, and getting a spouse.
Let’s consider a few of these biblical guidelines that
should be of help for Christians either in courtship or date.

“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up,

or awaken my love, until he please”10.

10
Songs of Solomon 8:4
 This statement is repeated three times in Songs of
Solomon showing emphasis. The New Living Translation
(NLT) renders it beautifully thus:

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love

until the time is right”

The verse clearly reveals that pursuing romantic

intimacy before marriage is a real possibility that opens you
up to all kinds of struggles. The advice here is that you be
careful not to awaken or stir up romantic love and
excitement until its real time – marriage.
By these words of wisdom, it is clear that doing what
you should do in marriage within the period of courtship or
date is a regrettable risk, a leap into the dark that may leave
you with unforgettable scars in life. The heart of courtship is
that you are not just dating for fun, but pursuing romance
with marriage as the end goal. Secondly, Exodus 20:12
declares:

“Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long
upon the land which the lord thy God giveth thee”

Here is a divine call for children to honor their parents.

Getting your parents involved in your marital arrangement is
a great way to honor them and make sure your plans for your
love life line up with theirs. Yes, I know it’s a modern world
where every youth thinks he/she knows more than the
parents, but you can’t deny the fact that your parent
possesses a wealth of experience through life that you
cannot compete.
 It is said that “what an elder sees sitting, a child cannot
see, even if he climbs a tree”. The third principle is found in
1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT) which says:

“Run from sexual sin! No other sin clearly affects the body as
this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own
body”

The basic principles of courtship are so important to

living a lifestyle of purity. God’s will is that each of his
children should abstain from premarital sex and to keep
ourselves pure until marriage. This is what Paul echoed in 1
Thessalonians 4:3 – 5 saying:

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification; that you
should abstain from fornication; that every one of you know
how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor, not in
the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know
not God”

In the 21st century, this is what is expected from

Christians who will glorify God in courtship and what can be
described as ideal Christian Courtship.

* A young man and woman do not court until they are

ready for their relationship to move towards marriage.

* The parents and the Church are involved in

establishing the boundaries for the relationship and
have an opinion on whether or not the boy or girl is a
wise choice or potential mate.
* The young man and woman doesn’t spend a lot (if any)
of time together alone, or visit each other, cook or
wash clothes, etc.

* They both control emotions, during this process,

showing maturity in avoiding romance or premarital
sex – reserving it until marriage. These are good
parameters, in fact, they are better than good, they
are biblical11.

11
Young, Ibid
Christians view courtship
as a little more than
friendship and maintains
the friendship aspect of
the courtship until both
are ready to commit to
each other as potential
marriage partners
 Chapter Three

The Christian Perspective

Something can be right or wrong depending on our

individual point of view. The world and Christians do not see
things from the same angle. To be frank, the Christian view is
always on the contrary to that of the world. The same thing
applies to the issue of courtship and dating.
Non-Christians enter into courtship with the view of
having series of intimate physical relationship and expression
of tender emotions (dating). This involves touching, holding
hands, kissing and sexual intercourse. But, to Christians this
is totally unacceptable and must never be the reason for
entering into courtship or date.
Christians view courtship as a little more than
friendship and maintains the friendship aspect of the
courtship until both are ready to commit to each other as
potential marriage partners.

“Non-Christians enter into courtship with the view of

having series of intimate physical relationship….But,
to Christians this is totally unacceptable and must
never be the reason for entering into courtship or date”
Contrary to the non-Christian view, the Christian never
sees courtship or dating beyond the friendship level and
allows no room for physical contacts, emotional expressions,
or lustful desires. To the Christian, courtship or dating is
simply a period when a man and a woman are trying to find
out whether or not, his or her potential marriage partner is
also born again – especially in the light of 2 Corinthians 6:14,
15 which clearly states:

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for

what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?
And what communion hath light with darkness? And what
concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that
believeth with an infidel?”

Those who advocate courtship believes that it allows

for two people to get to know each other in a more platonic
setting without the presence of physical intimacy or
emotions clouding their view. But, as Christians we must
separate from the world’s view as Gods ways contradicts the
worlds. 2 Peter 2:20 warns:

“For if after they have escaped the pollutions of this world

through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,
they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the later
end is worse with them than the beginning”

We have a responsibility to find out if the person we

court or date as potential marriage partner, are born again
(John 3: 3) and discover his or her real character before
making any commitment whatsoever. You must find out also
if he or she also shares the same desire towards
Christlikeness (Philippians 2:5).
The Christian position is that you love God above all
when committed to a relationship (Mathew 10:37) and never
defile your body as a Christian (1 Corinthians 6:9, 13; 2
Timothy 2:22; 1 Thessalonians 4:3) which is a sin against God
and your body too (1 Corinthians 6:18).
“We have a responsibility to find out if the person
we court or date as potential marriage partner,
are born again (John 3: 3) and discover his or her
real character before making any commitment
whatsoever”
Following these biblical principles is the best way to
have a secure foundation for marriage. Remember, the
ultimate goal of courtship or date is finding a life partner and
the Bible warns us as Christians never to marry an unbeliever
(1 Corinthians 6:14, 15).
Doing anything on the contrary, for whatever reasons,
will definitely weaken our relationship with Christ, destroy
our Christian testimony and compromise our morals and
standards.
Being too close to people
we fancy and are
attracted to, poses great
temptation; and has
brought disgrace to many
a Christian – rape,
unwanted pregnancies,
abortion and even death.
 Chapter Four

A Dangerous Game

W hile many think that courtship and dating has various

advantages and would speak in favor of same – for
whatever reasons they might have, it is important that you
as a Christian be aware of the dangers involved in courtship
and dating.
Knowing that courtship is “the act, period or art of
seeking the love of someone with the intent to marry”12; it
has become necessary to keep you abreast of what you are
getting into, should you chose to court or date; and to be
prepared for any eventuality. “Prevention” they say “is
better than cure”. Be wise, my friend, and consider what is
involved before you dare.

Serious Temptation
Courtship as earlier discussed involves wooing, dating
and possible agreement. It implies not only showing concern
to, but being together, going out together and doing
everything possible to win the love of the opposite sex.

The danger here is that of spending time alone with

the opposite sex whom you find attractive and are
considering as potential marriage partner. Such an
atmosphere poses a serious temptation that can be very
difficult, or too hard, to resist.

12
Collins English Dictionary (Complete and Unabridged: harper Collins publications,
2002)
Appearance of Evil
Every genuinely born again Christian would take
seriously the biblical injunction of I Thessalonians 5:22 which
says: “Abstain from all appearance of evil”. Two key words
are important here, which we must consider. These are the
words “abstain” and “appearance”.
This is necessary for a clearer view of the danger
involved here. To “abstain” is simply to refrain from, or chose
not to do, something. It is the same as to desist, withdraw,
go without or give up. To abstain also means to sit on the
fence, stay neutral or take no sides.
The word “appearance” on the other hand refers to
the look or form, the exterior manifestation, outer shell or
outward show, etc. The Bible is not referring here to the
actual committal of evil, but the appearance, or what looks
like evil before the world. This is important because the
world judges us by what they see (I Sam. 16:7).

Courtship or dating puts you in danger of appearance

of evil as a Christian, which is sinful.
Yes, going out regularly with an opposite sex – for
launch, dinner, special events and other recreational
activities, who is not your legally married partner or blood
relation poses many questions, is interpreted differently and
means something different in the eyes of the world.
When you indulge in a thing that looks evil or sinful to
the world, your Christian testimony is weakened and you
have sinned in the light of the above scripture. Courting or
dating puts you in danger of being disciplined as a Christian
for appearance of evil if you belong to the frontline
Pentecostal and conservative church denominations.
Pressure to Pre-marital Sex
Courtship or dating also puts you in danger of being
lured into pre-marital sex, which is a wrong foundation for
your future marriage life. The bible commands every
Christian man or woman in I Corinthians 6:18 thus:

“Flee fornication. Every sin a man doeth is without the body;

but he that committed fornication sinneth against his own
body”

There is danger in being too close to the opposite sex,

whose Christian life you are yet to determine or ascertain.
That will be too risky! You stand the danger of being
pressured into immorality through lust, enticement, or even
demonic influences – if such is an agent of darkness.
Moreover, physical contacts like holding, touching,
kissing, if indulged in, weakens your spiritual life and
definitely leads to immoral sin. This is why you must be
careful; ensure that you are mature enough to dare into
courtship or date.

Danger of Rape
There is also the danger of being raped in the process
of courtship or dating. This was the case of Dinah, daughter
of Jacob. She became a victim of rape because she put herself
in the danger of going to the young Prince’s house and being
with him alone. This gave the prince the opportunity of
getting her drunk and raping her at last (Gen. 34:1, 2).
Consider also the resultant effect of her carelessness.
The Bible warns us never to give the devil a “foothold”
(Eph. 4: 27). But, we can do so by going too close to the
opposite sex and staying alone with them at odd times or
behind closed doors. We are also enjoined to be “vigilant”
seeing the devil prowls about seeking whom to devour (I Pet.
5: 8)

You like many others may fall victim of rape or sexual

assault either by shear weakness of your spiritual life,
or morals, through drugging, drunkenness, or by
violence.
This is why serious measures must be put in place by
any Christian desiring to court or date. Carelessness on the
part of any can bring serious regrets, even leaving scars that
may not be healed through life. This is a danger posed by
courtship and dating.

Sexual Involvement
It is natural for teenagers who are growing up to think
and imagine what sex looks like. You are exposed to
innuendo and blatant references to sex in nearly every prime
time TV show or movie you see and you wonder what it’s like.
We have a culture which portrays sex as a recreational
activity that everyone’s experiencing often. Today, even
most dedicated Christian teens fight battles of temptation
when it comes to wanting to experience sexual pleasure.
Ours today is an extremely sexually explicit culture
where young people are even encouraged to explore a
variety of sexual activity and most teens do not consider
anything other than sexual intercourse as being sexually
involved13.

13
Shellenberger & Gowler, 56
Getting into close relationship with the opposite sex
increases the desire to explore. The atmosphere of
courtship or dating puts you at risk of becoming
sexually involved.
Many young people today are sexually involved in
different ways such as pornography, masturbation,
lesbianism, homosexuality, phonesex, and cybersex, etc.
close relationship with the opposite sex puts you in danger
of the aforementioned. Let’s take closer look at these areas
where many young Christians become sexually involved.

Pornography.
Pornography refers to sexually explicit materials that
is designed to arouse the viewer, reader or listener. It can
include pictures, as well as written or audio material14.
According to Wikipedia, it is often abbreviated as “porn” or
“porno” in informal usage. From the Greek “porneia”
(fornication) it refers to the explicit portrayal of sexual object
matter for the purpose of sexual arousal. It may be presented
in a variety of media including books, magazines, postcards,
photographs, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound
recording, film, video and video games.
The term applies to the depiction of the act rather than
the act itself, and so does not include life exhibitions like sex
shows and striptease. The introduction of the home video
and the internet saw a boom in the worldwide porn industry
that now generates billions of dollars annually.

14
The watchtower Magazine (New York: Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, Inc.,
August 1, 2013) 3
 Etymologically, the word “pornography” is similar to
Modern Greek “pornograhia” (prostitute) and “porneia”
(prostitution). Pornography is generally classified into soft-
core and hardcore and both forms generally contain nudity15.
The Watchtower magazine of August 1, 2013 revels
that every second, 30,000 persons view pornographic
websites; every month, internet users send more than 1.7
million pornographic emails; every hour, nearly two hardcore
pornographic videos are released in the United States; every
day, an average of more than two million pornographic
movies are rented in the United States alone; every month,
nearly 9 to 10 young men, and 3 out of 10 young women in
the United States view pornography; and every year, the
global pornographic industry generates an estimate of 100
billion US dollars16.

Pornography is highly addictive with some researchers

and therapist even likening it to crack cocaine’
Pornography has serious effect on its victims. Those
involved often cover up their habit, becoming secretive and
deceitful. The also suffer the feeling of isolation, shame, guilt,
anxiety, depression, anger and in extreme cases even
develop suicidal tendencies. Dr. Judith Riesman, a leading
researcher on pornography testified before the United States
senate thus:

15
Wikipedia (en.wiki.org/wiki/pornography)
16
The Watchtower, Ibid
“pornographic visual images imprint and alter the brain,
triggering instant, voluntary, but lasting biochemical memory
trail (that is) difficult or impossible to delete”17.

Pornography enslaves and wreaks havoc on its victims.

It damages marriages by undermining mental trust, intimacy
and love (Prov. 2:12-17), promotes selfishness, emotional
aloofness and dissatisfaction with ones mate (Eph. 5:28, 29);
fueling unhealthy sexual fantasies and cravings (2 Pet. 2:14);
tempting users to false, objectionable, forced sexual practice
on their mate (Eph. 5:3, 4); promoting emotional and
physical infidelity (Matt. 5:28).

Masturbation
Masturbation is the stimulation of ones genitals,
usually to the point of orgasm. The stimulation may be by
hand, fingers, everyday object, or dedicated sex toys. It is
touching and rubbing your pennies or clitoris, vulva and
breast for sexual pleasure.18
Dr. James Dobson stressed that four circumstances
gives concern which include oppressive guilt (becoming
conscious that even God couldn’t love you for the despicable
act); obsession with the act; addiction to pornographic
materials; or when it’s taken into adulthood and becomes a
substitute for healthy sexual relationship. Nevertheless, you
can gain freedom and deliverance from pornography by
firstly praying to God – asking forgiveness and deliverance
through Jesus Christ.
Secondly, you need to get help from others by telling
them your situation and asking counsel on how to get out of
17
Ibid
18
Wikipedia, Ibid
this bondage. Pastors, mature Christians and professional
Counsellors are most preferred. Thirdly, identify your
weak points and avoid those potential triggers – emotions,
thoughts, situations, etc. Is it internet surfing, late night
movies, or visiting the Beach, etc.?
Fourthly, think right (Phil. 4:8, 9) and finally, try to
improve your spirituality by engaging and occupying yourself
with beneficial spiritual activities like Bible Studies, worship,
fellowship, prayer meeting, etc. for total victory over fleshly
lusts.

Phonesex
Phonesex refers to a secret conversation between two
or more people on phone where the individuals are
describing the act of sex with the intention of achieving
sexual arousal or orgasm. 19 This is commonplace today on
many social media networks and thousands of young people
around the world are already involved.

Cybersex
Cybersex is when a person becomes involved in sexual
conversation and activity with another online via a
Computer. It is defined as “the consensual sexual discussion
online for the purpose of achieving sexual arousal or an
orgasm”20.
According to Wikipedia, it is a sexual arousal using
computer technology, especially by wearing virtual reality
equipment or by exchanging messages with another person
via the internet. Cybersex is also called computer sex,

19
Wikipedia (http//:en.wikipedia.org/wiki/phonesex)
20
Shellenberger & Gowler, 73
internet sex, net sex, mindsex, tinysex and colloquially
cybersex or conversex.21
Young people today are sexually involved in all these
on the deceit that they are safer – with no risk of unwanted
pregnancies or STDs.

Addiction to pornography is no longer a man’s

problem. Young girls often get swept into it as
they surf the internet
What is implied here is that courting or dating also
puts you in danger of becoming sexually involved in one, two,
if not all of the above – in your ambition to explore your
body.

Believing Personal Preferences.

There’s also the danger of believing that your personal
preferences to court or date is the only way out. This attitude
can make you look down on others who do not think it proper
to court or date as a way of finding a life-long partner, or for
their personal considerations of the dangers involved. You
have the danger of reacting on the contrary over those who
hold a contrary view.
Nevertheless, the unity of the body of Christ should be
the utmost importance in our lives regardless of the choice
others make personally pertaining to issues on which the
Bible is silent. Whoever imbibes the idea of courtship or
dating should be aware of the possible dangers involved and
brave up to face these challenges should the need arise. It is

21
Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/cybersex)
wise to play safe and ensure that you do not give place to the
devil.
Finally, understand that courtship or dating is never
the qualifying certificate to marriage. There are other
effective ways of studying another, or finding out about his
or her Christian life before making any commitment in
marriage. Therefore, be wise and lay for yourself a solid and
scriptural foundation for a successful marriage.
A Christian who indulges in
physical contacts with the
opposite sex during
Courtship, or Date, is not
born again and has lost his or
her Christian testimony.
 Chapter Five

The Christian Youth in Courtship

In the previous chapters I took time to look at issues of
importance and concern about courting or dating such as the
biblical position, Christian view and the possible dangers
involved. In this Chapter, we shall consider what a Christian
should do, and avoid, whether in Courtship or Date; in order
to glorify God and secure a solid foundation for marriage.
If you must court or date as a Christian without soiling
your Christian testimony, or falling a victim of appearance of
evil, immorality, rape, etc., then the following principles are
absolutely necessary. You will be doing yourself great harm
to ignore any of this truth revealed here. No Christian youth
with a desire to please the Lord and glorify God in his
marriage will play down on the following principles and
standard.

Define your Goal

A fundamental principle for a Christian in courtship or
date is to clearly define your purpose for the courtship or
date. If you must be involved in courtship or date, it is
necessary to state upfront your intensions – which should be
nothing more than to find out whether the other person is a
suitable partner for marriage.
If you have no clear-cut definition of purpose then it is
unwise to dare into it; and it would not be surprising if you
make any mistake, or fall into trouble. Why are you going into
courtship or date? What do you really want to achieve,
discover, or find out? A properly defined goal for courtship
or date will give you the needed stamina to resist anything
on the contrary.
A fundamental principle for a Christian in courtship or
dating is to clearly state the purpose for the courtship
or date
Your Parents must know
It is dangerous to get involved in courtship or date with
an opposite sex, without the knowledge of your parents. In
the world in which we live now, it has become necessary to
let your parents know who you are courting or dating for
obvious reasons.
Firstly, for security reasons. You are no God to claim
you have known the person you are about to court or date –
as there is possibility of cover-up or hypocrisy. Moreover, the
Scripture do attest that “Satan himself is transformed into an
angel of light” (2 Cor. 11:14). You must understand that there
is a high degree of diabolical deceptions in this end-time.

Make no mistakes, there are devils in angelic attires,

and wolves in sheep clothing around you, even in the
Church today.
The Devil is doing his best in his game of deceit and
believers need be in the spirit to discern. Moreover, the
world is gone bad and evil doers are multiplied. It will be
unwise for you to get involved with an opposite sex – going
together to different places without the knowledge of your
parent. Should anything negative happened, though you
don’t pray for it, it will be absolutely your fault and no one
can be held responsible.
 Secondly, it is for proper supervision and mentoring.
No good parent would allow anything evil to befall their
children. It is often said that “what an elder sees sitting
down, a child cannot even if he climbs a tree”. Experience is
the best teacher. Parents possess a wealth of wisdom and
knowledge that has developed through experience. Thus,
they can offer mature counsel and guidance at all times.
Should anyone object to the idea of letting your
parents know, it is evident that he or she has an evil agenda.
Daring into such hidden courtship or date would be a leap
into the dark that may bring regrets.

Avoid Physical Contact

As a Christian, you do not go into courtship or date for
the purpose of romance (exciting and intense love affair)
which implies physical contacts such as holding, touching,
kissing and, in extreme cases, sexual intercourse. This is
unacceptable for a true Christian.
If you choose to court or date as a Christian, it is
important you develop a strong resolution and
determination to avoid physical contact with the opposite
sex you court or date – as anything short of this is ungodly,
worldly and sinful. All physical contacts whatsoever are
reserved until marriage (1 Cor. 6:8-20).
A Christian who court or date and indulge in physical
contacts with the opposite sex is either not born again, a
religious person, ignorant of the word of God and
manifesting complete immaturity as a Christian. No genuine
Christian will allow for physical contact with the opposite sex
knowing it is sinful. Only is only qualified for physical contacts
when legally married.
Set your Limits
As a Christian entering into courtship or dating, you
have a responsibility to set your boundaries for the
relationship, and be committed to not crossing them. What
are the limits to this relationship? How far shall we go? What
necessary boundaries should be put in place, so we may not
soil our Christian testimony before the World?
If you would maintain good morals and protect your
Christian reputation and dignity, then you must set the limits
or boundaries for the relationship. Such boundaries should
include the following:

* There shall be no physical contacts – holding

hands, touching, kissing, or sexual activity.

* You shall not be, or stay, together in lonely places, or

behind closed doors

* There shall be no going out together as couple, or

standing in dark and lonely places

* There shall be no visits to home of the opposite

sex, neither shall there be any cooking or washing of
clothes, etc.

* If any must visit the other in their home, it must be in

company of two or three others and when Parents are
at home, etc.

In some frontline Pentecostal and conservative church

denominations, members are disciplined for appearances of
evil in negative circumstances that gives a bad impression of
the Christian church. If you must court or date, it is necessary
that you set the boundaries and limitations with a
determination to not crossing them no matter what. This is
the only way you will glorify God, maintain a true Christian
testimony before the world and make for a solid foundation
in marriage.
Therefore, you must define the boundaries of the
relationship in clear terms and be rigidly poised to never
crossing them. Never take the pressure to do otherwise for
granted. Are you already involved on the contrary? Nothing
is late yet, it is better to come back to the drawing board and
clearly define your goal and set your purpose. This will be
wisdom and a step in the right direction.

Be determined to honor Christ

As Christians, our ultimate goal is to live a life that will
honor Christ. We must not forget the biblical injunction of 1
Corinthians 10: 31 saying:

“Whether therefore ye eat or drink, and whatsoever ye do, do

all to the glory of God”
Make up your mind to honor the Lord as a Christian in all that
you do, even in your relationship with the opposite sex.
Refuse to allow sin take over the relationship. This should be
your earnest desire as a Christian.

“According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in

nothing I should be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as
always so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body
whether it be by life or by death” (Philippians 1:20)
When you noticed any of the
warning signs during the period
of Courtship, walk out before
you are locked into an unhealthy
relationship.
 Chapter Six

The Warning Signs

To one who is involved in Courtship or Dating, there
are danger signs you must never ignore that indicates a
future problem or violent love. In this Chapter, we shall look
at some of these danger signs. If you notice several signs in
the courtship or dating period, walk out before you are
locked into an unhealthy relationship.

If there’s evidence of emotional, verbal or physical

violence, one incident alone is serious enough to
warrant action.
The term “he” shall be used here for convenience.
Male readers must substitute “she” for “him” respectively.
Look out for the following danger signs as you court or date,
be careful so as not to get yourself into trouble and bring
yourself regrets or misery. If for any reason, desperation, or
blind faith, you ignore these warning signs, you may as well
prepare your heart to endure the possible outcome should
the contrary occur – without blaming God or anyone else.

He’s too good to be true

When he’s too good to be true, sweeping you off your
feet, then that is not who he really is. He has become totally
occupied with you, calling you every hour just to hear your
voice; leaving and picking you up at work; doing things and
activities that you were doing for yourself; and thus
controlling your life.
 You may be tempted to assume it is love, but he is
covering up his true self and manipulating you with a fake
“angel” to get you by all cost. You need to pray more for God
to reveal to you his true nature and to discern his true
character and spiritual condition.

Temper outburst
Do you notice an outburst of temper, such as cussing,
throwing things or kicking doors, not necessarily directed at
you, but towards anybody, etc.? Any of these days, you may
become the target of his vicious attack.

Violent or Demeaning Language

Does he use derogatory terms such as “flirt”, “hawk”,
“road”, “chick”, or “slut” when referring to women? This
could be a character or habit you have to struggle with all
through your marital life or the eventual result should the
relationship e on the contrary.

Sexiest Attitude
Does he seemed to have strong ideas about the place
and sexual position of women verses men? Does he insist
that women must know their place? Such may be difficult to
satisfy sexually, a prospect for infidelity.

Insults
Is he putting down for your opinion or laughing at what
you believe in? Does he make you look stupid, ignorant and
incompetent?
Psychological Abuse
“You are no good”. Does he make you feel you cannot
do anything right, or get along in life without his help? Does
he present himself as the only opportunity in the world you
have to be successful, or make it in life?

Ridicule
Does he make fun of you alone or in presence of
others? Does he also make fun of your dressing, eating
habits, ideas and opinion, sometimes publicly?

Rage for past Relationship

Notice how he talks about his ex – or previous date. Is
there a quality of rage in his anger towards a previous
relationship? Does he call her names or uses other insulting
terms? Remember, he will be turning the same intensity of
rage and insults to you later.

Abusive Background
Looking at his background, was he battered in life as a
child, or see his mother or sisters being hit when he was a
child? He may need a good bit of counselling to be free from
the circle of violence.
The only exception to this rule is one who says he was
subjected to abuse and there is no way he would do this to
his partner or child.
Blaming others
Does he have the habit of blaming others for what he
does or what happens to him? Does he find it difficult to
accept his fault, or has the habit of easily shifting blame to
others?
Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Does he have a drinking or drug problem? Does he
become verbally or physically abusive under the influence of
Alcohol or drugs? Is he physically or verbally abused towards
others, like people in the restaurant, drivers in the street,
people he comes in contact with, etc.?

Exclusively critical of you or your Family

Does he say negative things about you or your family?
Does he always find fault with what your family, or you, do
or believe? Does he also do so about your dressing, people
you associate with, etc.?

Excessive sexual Jealousy

Does he love you so much that he can’t stand you
being in company of other people, especially the opposite
sex? When you eventually marry, you would have to fight
with suspicion, lack of trust, accusations of unfaithfulness
and lots more.

Possessive Behavior
Is he happy or moody when you spend time with your
friends or family? Does he seemed to stop you from relating
to your friends or family members? Does he seemed
uncomfortable to see your colleagues close to you in the
office – especially the opposite sex?

Jealous Accusations
Does he jokingly or seriously complained that you
were trying to attract other men by the way walk, dress or
behave?
Checking and Tracking
Does he keep track of where you went, who you met
and how much time you spent there? Does he contract
others (friends, relations) to spy on you or monitor your
movements or relationships?

Using Force or Coercion

Has he threatened or actually hit you, or coerced you
for sexual act, even though he apologized profusely and
made it up to you later. He is likely to repeat verbal and/or
physical violence unless he clearly recognizes his verbal
behavior is a serious problem, admits that not you, but he
that has a problem, and willingly seeks treatment22.
Shellenberger and Gowler also outlined danger signs
that in many aspects agreed with Dr. Sharma These are what
they described as “Dating Danger Signs”.
1. He is possessive and extremely jealous

2. He accuses you of flirting when you’re really not

and tries to control how you dress, what you do
and with whom you associates.

3. He has mood swings, getting angry and yelling

one minute and being sweet and apologizing the
next.
4. He disrespects your parent’s rules and curfews
and tries to keep you away from family and friends.

2222
Sharma; Mind Publications (www.mindpublications.com/art.124.htm)
5. He threatens to hurt you and hurt himself, commit
suicide, should you break up the relationship.
6. He mounts pressure on you to be involved sexually.
7. He yells, grabs, pushes or throws things when he is
angry.
8. He drinks or uses drugs
9. He tells how much he loves you early on in the
relationship.
10. He has a tragic home life, his Parents abuse alcohol
or drugs
These are some red flags you should be looking out for in an
unhealthy dating or courting relationship23.

23
Shellenberger & Gowler, 65
“Sex is not love and love is not
sex, failure to understand this
is a contributing factor for
your heartbreaks, as well as
believing every promise people
make to you”.
 Chapter Seven

Common Bad Habits

There are some bad and common courtship and dating
habits that many indulge in today that need be mentioned
here. It is expedient that you learn and avoid them for your
own good interest if you ever decide to court or date to the
glory of God.

1. Having most of your conversations through

Texting
Texting is impersonal; it keeps the writer of the text
under cover – not being personally involved in the
conversation. Thus, it opens the door for a tone of
miscommunication. Can you think of a time you
misinterpreted the tune or intent of the text messages? Text
messaging also opens the door for unwholesome discussions
that may put you to trouble along the relationship.

2. Posting your messages in Social Media

Communication is so important to a relationship and
doing so through a social media is not a healthy medium for
speaking to your potential marriage partner. Courtship or
dating is your private life. It will be a display of immaturity to
make it public issues in the media.

3. Failure to clearly define the Relationship

How many times have you asked, “What are we?” The
answer of lack of an answer to this question will tell you
something about your relationship. Refuse to be in a
relationship where things are unclear and not defined.
Adults should be able to openly and honestly state
what they desire in a relationship
Don’t allow anyone to mislead you or use you for
something they desire from you, but are unwilling to commit
to a relationship. Beware of taking a leap into the dark, you
could be hurt. He who starts nowhere will definitely get
nowhere. Be wise enough and mature to define what you are
really looking for in a relationship.
4. Mixing Sex with Love
Sex is not love and love is not sex. Failure to
understand this is a contributing factor for your heart-breaks,
as well as believing false promises people make to you.
Sex is an emotional thing for most women and men.
However, you can’t continue to abuse yourself with the false
emotions that sex will bring. Stop equating sex with Love.

Never allow anyone lure you into sexual immorality as

a means of proving your love to him. Sex is for marriage
for a reason and we often fail to understand the
problem sex before marriage can cause us
5. Failure to accept People for who they Are.
When entering a courtship or date with the opposite
sex, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and
behaviors. If you can’t accept that, you do not love
unconditionally.
If something about their past bothers you, deal with it
in that moment and not down the road. The best relationship
will always have vulnerability, honesty, God and love as their
foundation.

A Final Word
Having gone through this Book, you can now evaluate
your actions in the light of biblical principles. Is there any way
you’ve already involved yourself and have to do something
to avoid tragedy? Can it be true that you are already involved
sexually and need help on how to go through it to victory?
If you have in any way lost your virginity because of
sexual abuse, carelessness or evil lifestyle, you need to know
that you were a victim of a crime or ignorance. God is not
mad at you, nor does he blame you for what happened. It
was outside of his will that it all happened. Maybe you
willingly gave your virginity because you were deceived to
believe false promises of love, or in your lustful desires.
The good news is that you can have a second virginity
through asking God to forgive you and by turning away from
pre-marital sexual activity. There are no such things as
“damaged goods” in God’s eyes.

“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation, old things are

passed away, behold all things are become new”24.

Are you among those who thinks they’ve gone too far
and God can’t and won’t forgive them? You need to know
that God’s hand of love and restoration is not too short to
reach you. Christ died to wipe away your sins. The Bible says:

24
I Corinthians
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our
sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”25.

Forgiveness can be yours for the asking. You are never

a lost case and you’re not too dirty to be cleansed.
Redemption is a beautiful thing. Accept Jesus today and
begin with God as a new creature today. You may now
proceed to the second part of this Book for more
understanding on finding God’s will for your life in Marriage.

25
I John 1:9
 SECTION II

Finding the
WILL OF GOD
IN MARRIAGE
 Chapter Eight

A Look at the Will

The “Will of God” is one of the issues so many
Christians today have difficulty to ascertain. In most cases,
what some label as “the will of God” is a far cry from the
revealed will of God in the Bible. Young people have always
claimed the “will of God’ whether, or not, to marry a brother
or sister. On the other hand, the Bible explicitly states that
people who will gain entrance into the kingdom of God are
those that do the will of the father (Matt.7: 21).
The Book of Ephesians also echoed that is foolishness
to keep going on, and doing what you do, in assumption
without bothering to find out what God’s will really is (Eph.
5:17). Thus, it is expedient that we look down to the word of
God for a clearer understanding of God’s divine will. Keep on
reading through as the Lord is poised to give you an insight
to His will.
The English word “will” is defined in so many ways to
give one a clear picture of what we are discussing herein. The
will is defined as “the power of your mind to, or make
something happen; the ability to control your thoughts and
actions in order to achieve your set goal.26 It is a feeling of
strong determination to do what you want to do, etc. will
refers to what you want to do in any given situation.
Legally, “will” is a legal document that shows what you
want to happen to your money, properties or belongings
when you die.

26
Oxford Advance Learners Dictionary (International Students Standard Edition)
Different Types of Will
The Bible reveals at least four (4) types of will that we
all need to be aware of, and understand, if we will not fall
into error. These are our Personal or self-will, the will of the
flesh, the will of man, and the will of God. Frankly, it takes
one who clearly understands and can differentiate between
these four, to boldly speak of whether, or not, something is
the will of God. Let’s dig deeper into these facts as revealed
in Scripture.
Personal or Self-will
All of us as humans are free moral agents divinely
endowed with the power of the will to make choices. God
planted the tree in the center of the Garden of Eden as the
only opportunity for man to exercise his will. God want us to
love, serve and follow him by choice. It is never his will to
drive us like Robots. The will is God’s gift to all humans. You
have a will and so do EVERY HUMAN BEING.
Personal or self-will refers to what we ourselves want
to happen in a given situation. We all have our taste, desires
and likes, etc. even Jesus Christ showed the difference
between his personal will and the will of God in Matthew
26:39, 42. The Bible says:

“And going a little further, he fell on his face, and prayed,

saying, O father, it is be possible, let this cup pass from me;
nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt”

Here was a struggle between his personal (self) will

and that of God. By his human will, he desired that the cup
(the Cross) pass from him, but the father has his own will that
he drink it. Thus, he chose to surrender his self-will to the
“will of God” saying:

“O father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I
drink it, thy will be done”

With our personal (self) will, we make choices daily

ranging from food to eat, clothes to wear, places to go to and
what to do, etc. it all boils down even to deciding who to
marry.

Whenever you are doing what you desire or want, never

make a mistake of labeling it as the ‘will of God’.
We should never make the mistake of misapplying
Psalms 37:4, “he shall give thee the desire of thine heart”.
God can only grant your desires that are in agreement with
His will.

The will of the Flesh

The “flesh” refers to the carnal desires, as well as the
aspirations, lusts, passions and propensities of our carnal
human nature. What the human nature aspires for is
described by Paul as the “works of the flesh” (Gal. 5:19 – 21).
What the flesh desires is always opposite of what the Spirit
of God wants (Gal. 5:17), the reason we are advised to “walk
in the spirit” (v.16).
The Bible reveals that all that is in the world is the “lust
of the flesh”, “lust of the eyes”, the “pride of life” and is not
of the father (1 John 2:15, 16). The “will of the flesh” is
therefore what the carnal human nature wants, or desires in
any given situation.
Whenever you are flying in the lust and carnal desires
of the flesh, never make the mistake of calling it the
will of God.
The Will of Man
Whenever you are doing what you do because
someone else asked you to, understand that you are doing
the will of man. Your friends advised you to marry someone
and you label it as the will of God? Never! It wasn’t God, nor
you, or even the flesh, but someone’s desire.
The will of man could be what the public opinion, tribe,
community, nation or society wants you to do in any given
situation. Whenever you are doing what others suggested or
desire that you do, never make the mistake of calling it the
will of God. This is the will of man.

When you do what others want, you are not doing the
will of God, but of Man.
The Will of God
God has a definite plan that is suitable for each of his
Children. The Bible clearly speaks of the “will of God” (Eph.
5”17) and that it is foolish to ignore it. Here, it is not what I
want, the flesh or others, but what God wants me to do.
Jesus has to choose between what he want and what
God desires him to do (Matt. 26:39, 42). Jonah decided to do
his own will, rather than that which God wanted him to do
(Jonah 1: 2, 3). The will of God is clearly spelt out in the Bible.
For instance, I Thessalonians 4: 3-4, 6, 11 and 12 explains:
“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification; “that ye
should abstain from fornication,” “that every one of you
should possess his vessel in sanctification and honor”, “that
no man defraud his brother in any matter”, that ye study to
be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your
own hands”, that ye may walk honestly towards them that
are without and that ye may have lack of nothing”

From the above, the will of God is clearly revealed.

When I separate myself from sin unto God, abstain from
fornication, possess my sexual organs in holiness and honor,
refuse to defraud my brother, learn to be quiet, do my own
and work with my own hands, as well as deal honestly with
those who are not Christians, I can be sure that I am walking
in, and living according to, the will of God.

The will of God is easy to find, it is documented in the

Scriptures. Simply put, the Bible is the only true
Dictionary of God’s will.
Thus, whoever wants to understand the ‘WILL OF
GOD” in any situation of life, must of necessity consult the
Bible, the Word of God. The will of God is what he wants you
to do in any given situation of life. The seriousness of the will
of God can never be overemphasized. It is the basic
qualification for entrance into the kingdom of heaven. Jesus
emphatically declared in Matthew 7: 21-23 saying:

“Not everyone that saith unto me Lord, Lord, shall enter into
the kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my
father which is in heaven (Emphasis mine).
Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not
prophesied in thy name? And in thy name cast out devils? And
in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I
profess unto them, I never knew you; depart from me, ye that
work iniquity” (Emphasis mine).

Whose will are you doing? I sit truly God’s will or

another? In conclusion, it will take a mature Christian who
has an understanding of the different types of will, and can
adequately differentiate between these four, to boldly speak
of something as being in the will of God, or not. God’s will is
never what we think, fell, or what others say, it is what God
wants as revealed in his holy Book – the Bible.
Now, compare this with whatever you had previously
considered, affirmed and believed as the will of God to see if
it agrees with this lesson. If not, is there anywhere you need
to say to God, “I am sorry?” Do it now!

Nothing can be said to be “the will of God” that

contradicts the written Word of God, the Bible.
 Chapter Nine

Wrong Methods of Finding God’s Will

H aving full understanding of what the will is all about and

the types of will, I strongly believe that at this point you
know what God’s will really means, “what God wants in any
given situation of life”. In this lesson, we will focus on finding
God’s will in marriage. Let me begin by dealing with the
wrong ways some youths engage themselves in finding God’s
will as to who to marry.

Wrong Methods
Many singles today engage themselves in some
unbiblical and wrong methods in their bid to find the will of
God for them to marry. The unfortunate thing is that such
marriages that were contracted on the platform of the will of
God have long gone soar, or ended in divorce, and the couple
has no more courage to affirm that it is God who brought
them together as they earlier claimed.
Following are some of the wrong ways many have, and
are using, in their effort to find God’s will for their lives in
marriage.

Prophecy
What a “man of God” says that someone is your (God
given) husband or wife, can never in any way become God’s
will for you. You need to understand that there are deceits in
prophecy and it’s a common playground for display of both
the human, deceiving and familiar spirits.
 Many things happens in the church on the platform of
prophecy and you need to be careful when prophecy begins
to call names of people and suggest their husbands or wife.
In too many occasions, the prophecies are arranged and
tutored for the benefit of the one partner and as a means to
deceive a man or woman into marriage – on the disguise of
“God says” and “prophecy”. God help us!
Dreams / Visions
Some young people have been lured into marriages
based on claimed dreams and visions by others or by
themselves. Dreams and visions are never a reliable way for
finding God’s will. Others have rejected the will of God for
them on grounds that they have not seen any dream of vision
to confirm. Moreover, there is no biblical support for
dreams as a means of finding God’s will. Even if God choses
to do so, it will be absolutely at his disposal – without man
initiating for it. Consider the following Biblical facts:
1. Dreams are not for young people in this
dispensation of the Holy Ghost. It is for “old men”
(Acts 2:17; Joel 2: 28

2. Dream is not a reliable method to find God’s

will. It comes as a product of your thoughts,
lusts, or imaginations (Eccl. 5:3).

3. Dreams are subject to satanic manipulations

and dependent upon interpretations that may
not be correct or true.
Casting Lots
Some young men and women go to the length of
casting lots, to determine who is really God’s will for their life
in marriage. They write names of two, three or four men
(who have approached them) or women that appeals to, or
are attracted to them) and after prayer and casting of the
papers, choose one with eyes closed – who becomes the will
of God.
This is ridiculous. Who wrote the names? How did you
know that all who approached you for marriage were sent by
God in the first place? Was God involved in your selection of
the three or four names? Should you go ahead to choose one,
will you, or anyone, call this the will of God?
Lust
When you develop a fleshly lust (a yearning, desire,
longing for, hanker after or ache) for a brother or sister and
crown it with the interpretation of “Love for Marriage”, then
you are gone. How do you know the love for marriage in the
first place? Have you ever been married before? You can only
experience the marriage love when you say “yes” in
agreement for marriage.
When you marry through lust, a desire for sexual
gratification with such a brother or sister, the so-called love
will vanished after sexual intercourse with him or her. This is
one of the reasons some marriages that started on such
grounds, end in divorce before a year, regrets and others
struggle throughout without true Love.

Intimidating Approaches
Some sincere Christians have been lured into marriage
by the intimidating approaches of their suitors. When the
man or woman threatens, frightens, scare, coerce or
terrorize you with “God has revealed to me that you are my
husband or wife”. He or she is trapped into accepting their
piousness and wholehearted resolved to please God. Those
who do so are under condemnation for using God’s name in
vain (Exo. 20:7).
If God revealed to him or her, has he also revealed to
you? If God revealed to you as a person, it would be proper
to keep it to yourself and approach the person on a neutral
ground allowing God to confirm his will.
It is best to say I feel that both of us can live together
as Husband and wife, how do you see it? Please take some
time and pray about it too. It is an intimidation to say God
revealed to me that you are my husband/wife which is a
dangerous and improper method of finding God’s will.

Seeking a Sign
Many young people go to the extreme of asking God
for a sign and arranging it to their favor. A Youngman, in
finding God’s will, prayed that by the next morning, whoever
knocks at his door first should be God’s will for his marriage.
He thought that the Sister he is attracted to and who have
been frequenting his house every morning will be the one.
Unfortunately for him the next day, he heard a knock
at the door and rushed to open the door, but it was a cripple
Sister of their church – and he became cast bitter, cast down
and confused. It is self-deceit to say, if it rains today, then it
is the will of God, knowing that it is rainy season now.
Nevertheless, Jesus said it is a “wicked and adulterous
generation” that seeks after a sign (Matt. 12:42; 16:4).
Bible Roulette
This refers to a small box with cards that have scripture
verses written on them and used mostly in the United States.
Someone seeking God prays over them and flipping his/her
fingers through will pick any Card he/she is led believing that
the scripture written in the card is God’s will for the moment.
A young man seeking God’s will felt led to select three
cards that made him confused. The first card chosen said
“And Judas went and hanged himself” (Matt. 27:5). He
prayed again and selected the second card which says “Go,
and do thou likewise” (Luke 10: 37) and on the third card was
written, “That thou doest, do quickly” (John 13:27).

Personal Standards and Misapplication of Scriptures.

Let me mention the error of personal standard and
misapplication of the Bible, by which many have never been
able to find God’s will for their lives. Some youths fall into the
error of drawing up a standard for the man or woman they
will consider God’s will for their lives.
For example, a brother or sister sits down and makes
a list (personal standard) of the type of person he or she will
desire to marry. He or she must be handsome or beautiful,
educated at a certain level/field, well dressed, have a good
and well paid job, gapped teeth, influential and popular in
the church or society, have a good house and a car or more,
etc.
Many do this on the belief that they have scriptural
support for their actions. One of the most misapplied verses
of the Bible in this regard is Psalms 37:4 and it says:

“Delight yourself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires
of your heart”
 The problem here is that any brother or sister who did
not meet this requirements is considered as never the will of
God for marriage. The foolishness also is that those who
make such lists never consider whether or not they
themselves are equal to the standard. Who wrote the list in
the first place, you or God?
If you wrote them as what you want (personal will),
how on earth did it become God’s will? It is sad that by this
personal standards and misapplication, some have missed
the will of God for their lives and others are at the verge of
doing so.
 Chapter Ten

Finding God’s Will in Marriage

Let me begin by stating that God’s will and plan for

your marriage is not hidden or difficult to find. It is ignorance
that leads to the many errors, regrets and confusion that
many have today. God’s will for us about every aspect of life
is clearly and boldly written in the Bible - God’s word.
Therefore, whoever will discover God’s will must
consult his Word – the Bible. Here is what God says you
should do with regards to Marriage.’

What the Bible Teaches

1. No Pre-marital Sex. God’s will is that you keep

yourself pure, abstain, flee and avoid sexual
immorality (I Tim. 4:3-5).

2. The man should search for a Wife. God’s will is

that the Man, not the woman, should look for,
search and find a wife. It is unbiblical and abnormal for
a woman to do so (Prov. 18:22; Gen. 21: 1-4).

3. Marry a Christian. God’s will is that you marry a

Christian. This position is clear in both the Old
and New Testament (Gen. 21: 1-4; 34: 13-16; 2
Cor. 6: 15, 16).

4. Live Joyfully with your Wife. God’s plan is for

you to live in harmony and joyfully with your
spouse (Eccl. 9: 9).
Influencing Factors
There are so many factors influencing our choices for
whom to marry that are not proper, biblical and do not make
for a successful marriage. These factors include the
environmental, social, economic, physical and spiritual
factors. Let’s take a look at each of these factors.

Environmental Factor
A person’s tribe or where he/she comes form or lives (urban
or rural) is never a god basis for choosing a life partner. When
you chose a life partner based on his/her ethnicity, family,
ancestral descent or clan, never confused it with the will of
God.
There is no guarantee that you will make a happy
family because you speak the same language, or live in the
urban city or town – if he/she is not born again and of good
Christian character.

Social Factor
Some consider their choices for marriage based on
community, societal, public issues like firm, popularity, and
social status of a man or woman they intend to marry. I once
had a member who rejected a sister for another on grounds
that the other sister was popular.
The popularity of your spouse is not a guarantee for
success in Marriage. You may not find your popular wife or
husband around always because he/she must be moving
around the globe from one function to another in his/her
popularity or firm.
Economic Factor
This is when we decide to marry someone for financial,
monetary and trade reasons or benefits. Here, people think
that wealth and riches is all that is needed for a happy
marriage, which is not true. Riches have wings and can fly any
day, where will the marriage survive? What if the business
crumbles? Wealth and riches are never a good basis for
choosing whom to marry.

Physical Factor
The physical factor speaks of the person’s physics – a
person’s body shape, face, nose, smile, height, weight, color,
breast shape, ugly or beautiful, etc. it is true that one must
have a physical attraction to the one he/she intends to
marry, which may differ from one person to another.
The physical factor is never a solid ground to build our
love for marriage. Sickness or natural disaster can alter the
physical beauty or color and we will have no place for our
love to survive.

Spiritual Factor.
The spiritual factor refers to the person’s Christian
experience. Is he or she born again? What about
Christlikeness and holy living? How is he/she devoted to the
church and Christian activities? What about his/her
character?
Among all factors above and more, the Later is the first
thing every Christian girl/boy should consider. The spiritual
factor is a solid foundation for a successful and lasting
marriage. Any other considerations should be built upon a
persons’ Christian life and experience.
 It is essential to understand that two born again
Christians can harmoniously live together in the bond of
marriage.

Steps in Finding God’s Will

1. Pray. Prayer is the first step. “Commit your way

unto the Lord, trust him and He will bring it to
pass” (Ps. 37:5 / Gen. 21: 1-4). As a young man,
prayer should come first when you decide to
look for whom to marry rather than bringing
your choices to God to confirm.

2. Find. The man should not only pray and remain in

prayer. Look up to see the one God is bringing
your way. It is biblical and traditional for the
man to seek for and find a wife. It’s indeed a
disgrace and an ungodly lifestyle for a woman to go
in search of a husband, or to dare to ask the man for
marriage.

3. Consider Christian Character. Abraham’s servant knew

this well (Gen. 24: 12, 13). Three basic Christian
qualities he stood for were kindness, willingness to
serve and that the girl is hardworking. The truth is
that there is no way you will ever find a completely
perfect man or woman in life. Other character traits
can be learned, built and acquired. Does he/she have
the basic Christian character/ do you yourself possess
the same character traits you expect from your
spouse?
4. Go to the right Place to find. For instance, Abraham to
Eleazar to go to his people (not his tribe as many
assume), of like faith and beliefs. They have the
knowledge of the true God which the Canaanites do
not. Eleazar on the other hand positioned himself at
the Well, not a party (Gen. 24:13). Find a partner from
those of like faith and practice.
For instance, Eleazar stood at the Well in the
evening where only Girls with a good upbringing and
of cordial relationship will definitely come. Find out
how Christian the brother or sister is outside the
church walls or social gathering. How much do you
know him/her in his or her personal life or conduct?
It is a shame today that Pentecostal Church
members now find who to marry from anywhere, even
among the Orthodox churches and non-believers.
Some even go headlong to marry a Catholic without
caring if the church attends or not.

5. Let your Pastor/Church know. Having seen and are

convinced of God’s leading, inform your Pastor that
God is leading you to that sister. It is a dangerous
game to approach a Girl and agree for Marriage
without the knowledge of your Pastor or Church.
Many have destroyed their lives and marriages
through this ignorance.

7. Let your approach be Christian. No matter how

convinced you think you are, let God confirm it
with a positive response by the opposite sex.
Warning: never pressure anyone to marry you,
otherwise, you will be developing a time Bomb for your
disgrace tomorrow. Dear Sister, when you say “let me pray
about it”, it should be prayer and not seeking the opinion of
your friends.

“Don’t develop another knew way God should speak to

you; instead, listen to him by the same medium he
usually speaks to you as his Child”
Above all, remember that God’s plan for you is good
and your obedience and determination to do it his way,
according to his Word, is necessary for that plan to become
a reality in your marriage and every other aspect of your Life
on earth.
Therefore, shun every new age principle that violate
these Biblical principles and stick to the true, godly principles
provided here for your breakthrough. It’s my earnest
expectation and faith that God will give you his perfect will.
By this light and anointing, I take away ignorance from
you today and remove every limitations or inhibitions from
you today in Jesus Name. By the anointing of the Prophets, I
release you to your God-given husband/wife in the name of
Jesus. Receive your breakthrough now! Receive the light you
need for a miracle now! Receive your Husband / Wife now in
Jesus Name!
 ENDNOTES

Chapter One
1. Houdman (www.getquestions.org/difference-
dat...)

Chapter Two
2. The American Heritage Dictionary of English
Language (Houghton, Mufflin Company, 2000)

3. Brown Tom, (www.tbn.org/dating-verses-

courting.htm)

4. Ibid

5. Merriam Webster Online

(www.meriamwebster.com /.../courtship)

6. Young Lies,
(www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/index...)

7. Ibid

8. Urban Dictionary
(www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%...)

9. Brown, Ibid

Chapter Three
10. Young, Ibid
Chapter Four
11. Collins English Dictionary (Complete and
Unabridged: Harper Collins Publishers, 2000).

12. Shellenberger & Gowler, 56

13. The Watchtower, 3

14. Wikipedia (en.wiki.org/wiki/pornography)

15. The Watchtower, Ibid

16. Ibid

17. Wikipedia, Ibid

18. Shellenberger & Gowler, Ibid

19. Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/phoneses)

20. Shellenberger & Gowler, 73

21. Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/cybersex)

Chapter Six
22. Sharma; Mind Publications
(www.mindpublications.com/art.124.htm)

23. Shellenberger & Gowler, 65

Chapter Seven
24. I John 1: 9
Bibliography

1. Brown Tom, Courtship and Dating:

(www.tbn.org/dating-verses-courting.htm).

2. Collins English Dictionary, Unabridged; (Harper

Collins Publishers, 2000)

3. Houdmann, What is the difference between

Courting and Dating?
(www.getquestions.org/difference-dat...)

4. Merriam Webster
(www.merriamwebster.com/.../courtship).

5. Shellenberger Susie & Gowler Kathy; What your

Daughter Isn’t telling you (Lagos, Nigeria: Jetmove
Publishing Limited, 2007) 56,65,72,73.

6. Sharma (www.mindpublications.com/art.124.htm)

7. The American Heritage Dictionary of English

Language, 4th Ed, (Houghton, Mufflin Company,
2000)

8. The Watch Tower (New York: Watchtower Bible and

Tract Society, August 1, 2013).

9. Urban Dictionary
(www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%...)

10. Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/pornography)

11. Wikipedia (http://en.wiki.org/wiki/phonesex)

12. Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/cybersex0

13. Lies Young

(www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/index...)
About the Book

The Book, “A Christian Guide to Courtship, dating and Marriage” is a

stitch in time that is focused towards helping young Christians avoid
modern, worldly approach to courtship and dating and to live lives that
are honoring to God and in consonant to His will. It is a timely piece and
comprehensive Christian approach to the issue of Courtship and dating.

This Book will help singles to lay for themselves a solid foundation for
marriage and to live above satanic strategies and immoral influences of
our day. It provides answers to the many questions singles often ask as
to courtship and dating proffering solutions that makes for a marriage
that will glorify God. This Book is a must read for every young Christian.

About the Author

Rev. Evang. Eleazar Otuson is a seasoned, anointed,
experienced and dynamic servant of God whose true
Christian integrity and ministry stands out in the Crowd.
He is a rare gem, a teacher and preacher of the Word
with signs following; a writer, renowned conference
speaker, evangelist and revivalist with glaring evidence
of a God-called ministry.

He is an Ordained Minister of Assemblies of God Nigeria

and has served the Church for over 27 years of unbroken ministry. He
holds a B.A. Degree in Missions and Communications from AGDSN
Assemblies of God Divinity School of Nigeria) Umuahia, Abia State – in
affiliation with the Federal University of Uyo, Akwa Ibom State, Nigeria.
He is married and bless with Children.