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Toxic Positivity—Why It's Harmful and What to Say Instead

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people
should maintain a positive mindset. While there are benefits to being optimistic and
engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a
cheerful and often falsely-positive façade.

Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is
that life isn't always positive. We all have painful emotions and experiences. Those
emotions, while often unpleasant, need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly
to achieve acceptance and greater psychological health.

Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude

doesn't just stress the importance of optimism—it also minimizes and even denies
any trace of human emotions not strictly happy or positive.

Toxic positivity means having a "good vibes only" approach to life and discarding any
seemingly negative emotions. It denies people the authentic support they need to
cope with what they are facing.
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Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take a wide variety of forms. Some examples you may have
encountered in your own life include:

​ When something bad happens, such as losing your job, people may say to
“just stay positive” or “look on the bright side.” While such comments are often
meant to be sympathetic, they can shut down anything the other person might
want to say about what they are experiencing.
​ After experiencing some type of loss, people might say that “everything
happens for a reason.” While people will make such statements because they
believe they are comforting, this is also a way of avoiding the other person's
pain.
​ Upon expressing disappointment or sadness, someone may respond that
“happiness is a choice.” This suggests that if someone is feeling negative
emotions, it’s their own fault for not “choosing” to be happy.

Such statements are often well-intentioned, or people just don't know what else to
say and don't know how to be empathetic. Still, it is important to recognize that toxic
positivity can be harmful.

Toxic Positivity vs. Optimism

It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult experiences and challenges. But

people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they
are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.

Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful

Too much positivity is toxic because it can harm people who are going through
difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain
unconditional support, people who are faced with toxic positivity find their feelings
dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated.

​ It's shaming: Receiving toxic positivity can lead to feelings of shame. It tells
people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable. When someone is
suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid and that they can
find relief and love in their friends and family.
​ It causes guilt: Being toxically positive can also cause feelings of guilt.3 It
sends a message that if you aren't finding a way to feel positive—even in the
face of tragedy—you are doing something wrong.
​ It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an
avoidance mechanism. When people engage in this type of behavior, it allows
them to sidestep emotional situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
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Sometimes we turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing them. When

we feel difficult emotions, we then discount, dismiss, and deny them.
​ It prevents growth: Toxic positivity allows us to avoid feeling things that
might be painful. But this denies us the ability to face challenging feelings that
can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.

The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during times of intense
personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles,
job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the
bright side can seem downright cruel.

Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting. This is because it creates a
false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel.

In some cases, toxic positivity may even be abusive. An abusive person might use it
to devalue, dismiss, and minimize another person's emotions and experiences. They
might even use it as a way to downplay the seriousness of their own abusive actions.

At their best, toxic positivity statements come off as trite platitudes that let a person
off the hook for dealing with other people’s feelings. At their worst, these comments
end up causing feelings of shame and blame in people who are often dealing with
incredibly difficult situations.

Signs of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can often be subtle. Learning to recognize the signs can help you
better identify this type of behavior. Signs that you might be toxically positive include:

​ Brushing off problems rather than facing them

​ Hiding your true feelings behind feel-good quotes that seem socially
acceptable
​ Minimizing other people's feelings because they make you uncomfortable
​ Shaming other people when they don't have a positive attitude

It's equally important to know when someone else may be acting toxically positive
with you, potentially hurting your mental well-being. Signs that you may be on the
receiving end of toxic positivity include:

​ Feeling guilty about being sad, angry, or disappointed

​ Hiding or disguising how you really feel
​ Trying to be stoic or "get over" painful emotions

Sometimes, this type of behavior may serve as a coping mechanism to help people
reduce or avoid stress. Rather than face a difficult emotion, people try to avoid it by
putting a positive spin on a bad situation. While this might seem like an effective way
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of coping, denying or dismissing negative emotions can make it more difficult to

actually cope effectively with such emotions.

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

If you recognize toxically positive behaviors in yourself, there are things that you can
do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach. Some ideas include:

​ Develop an attitude that "it's okay to not be okay." Instead of having a

viewpoint that it's wrong to have negative feelings, accept that it isn't realistic
to be okay all the time. Remind yourself that if someone doesn't feel okay,
that's perfectly acceptable.
​ Manage your negative emotions, but don't deny them. Negative emotions
can cause stress when unchecked. But they can also provide important
information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.
​ Focus on listening to others and showing support. When someone
expresses a difficult emotion, don’t shut them down with toxic positivity.
Instead, let them know that what they are feeling is normal and you are there
to listen.

Toxic statements Non-toxic alternatives

Just stay positive! I’m listening

Good vibes only! I’m here no matter what

It could be worse That must be really hard

Things happen for a reason Sometimes bad things happen. How

can I help?

Failure isn’t an option Failure is sometimes part of life

Happiness is a choice Your feelings are valid

Coping With Toxic Positivity

If someone you know has a tendency to respond to your negative feelings with
statements that aren't supportive or emotionally validating, some ways you can
respond to toxic positivity include:

​ Be realistic about what you feel. When facing a difficult situation, it’s normal
to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself.
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Practice self-care and work on taking steps that can help improve your
situation.
​ Don't be afraid to challenge the person being toxically positive. While
challenging this type of response can be uncomfortable, confronting the
person's approach provides them the opportunity to grow. This can be
especially helpful if facing toxic positivity at work, helping leaders evaluate the
impact of their statements and actions.
​ Know that it’s okay to feel more than one thing. If you are facing a
challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and, at the same time,
hopeful that you will succeed. Your emotions can be as complex as the
situation itself.
​ Look for meaning behind what you're going through. "Tragic optimism," or
searching for the meaning behind difficult situations, is the opposite of toxic
positivity and, according to some, is considered the antidote to this type of
response.
​ Notice how you feel. Following “positive” social media accounts can
sometimes serve as a source of inspiration but pay attention to how you feel
after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of
shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, it might be due to toxic positivity.
In such cases, consider limiting your social media consumption.
​ Put your feelings into words. When going through something hard, think
about ways to give voice to your emotions in a way that is productive. Write in
a journal or talk to a friend. Research suggests that just putting what you are
feeling into words can help lower the intensity of negative feelings.

In the end, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. These feelings are real,
valid, and important. They can also provide information and help you see things
about a situation that you need to work to change.

This doesn't necessarily mean that you should act on every emotion that you feel.
Sometimes it is important to sit with your feelings and give yourself the time and
space to process the situation and accept your emotions before you take action.

Reference:
Adopted from: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958
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USEFUL VOCABULARY:

1. Dire Situation - Extremely serious or urgent circumstances.

2. False façade - An artificial or deceptive front.
3. Painful Emotions - Strong negative feelings that cause distress.
4. Psychological Health - Mental and emotional well-being.
5. Overgeneralized Extreme - Exaggerating something to a very large and often
unreasonable degree.
6. Human Emotions - Feelings experienced by humans, such as happiness, sadness, anger,
etc.
7. Authentic Support - Genuine help or encouragement.
8. Sympathetic Comments - Remarks that show you understand and care about someone's
problems.
9. Type of Loss - A specific kind of misfortune, such as the loss of a job or a loved one.
10. Emotional Validity - The acknowledgment that someone's feelings are legitimate and
reasonable.
11. Avoidance Mechanism - A method used to evade confronting something unpleasant.
12. Tragic Optimism - The ability to remain hopeful in the face of life’s unavoidable
tragedies.
13. Emotional Situations - Scenarios that strongly affect one's feelings.
14. Grating Mantra - An annoying or irritatingly repeated phrase or idea.
15. Gaslighting - Manipulative behavior used to make someone question their reality.
16. Abusive Actions - Harmful behaviors that negatively impact others.
17. Feelings of Shame - Emotions of humiliation or distress caused by awareness of
wrongdoing.
18. Stoic Acceptance - Enduring hardship without showing feelings or complaining.
19. Coping Mechanism - Strategies or behaviors used to manage stressful situations.