Internal Conflict: An Understanding

The battle between the head (logic) and the heart (emotion) is one that we
have seen right from the day we gained an understanding of the world
around us. The victory between logical understanding and emotional
reasoning often forms the basis of any challenging decisions we make in life.
Sometimes even the easiest decisions require us to pitch our knowledge
against our feelings. How do we decide between our favourite double
cheese pizza with extra toppings v/s a saltless salad without any sauces? It
all comes down to the winner between the head and the heart. We make
many decisions subconsciously as well; these decisions are based on
experiences of the outcomes of past internal conflicts.
So, what exactly is internal conflict and can we actually quantify or
understand why certain situations cause us great anxiety and stress while
others cause us inner peace and satisfaction?
Internal conflict is the experience of having opposing psychological beliefs,
desires, impulses or feelings. In the field of psychology, internal conflict is
often referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” which is a term that refers to
holding conflicting and inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. This
mental struggle can occur at any point in life over any topic such as
relationships, work commitments, religious beliefs, moral standpoints, and
social ideologies. When we experience any kind of internal conflict, what is
really happening is that there is a disagreement between our heart (logical
thinking) and head (emotional reasoning).
So why does this happen? Well, it is mainly because we lack equanimity and
are unsuccessful in striking a perfect balance between the heart and head.
Our emotional reasoning says one thing, but our logical understanding says
another: and both shout at the same intensity. When our actions don’t
match our values, the inevitable result is a feeling of discomfort, even
shame. Thus, there is a constant need to find the “right” outcome or make
the “correct” decision.
We experience internal conflict for a number of reasons. Often, there is no
one “single cause” or origin, but there are a number of factors which
include:
The beliefs and rules we inherited from our parents.
The religious beliefs, dogmas or creeds we were indoctrinated to believe.
The societal values and ideals we adopted growing up.
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Quite simply, the more conflicting beliefs, ideals, expectations, and desires
we have, the more likely we are to suffer from internal conflict. The more we
see the world and explore, the more we are likely to question what we
know. If we have grown up believing that wearing our shoes at home is
normal, we will be at conflict and feel offended if asked to remove our shoes
outside the house when visiting a friend.

8 Types of Internal Conflict

There are different types of internal conflict, and each one can be
categorized in multiple types. However, for the sake of better understanding
we can broadly classify these conflicts into the following categories:
1. Moral Conflict
Moral conflict arises when we hold conflicting beliefs about something to
do with our personal ethics. For example, moral conflict could occur when
a person believes in human rights but doesn’t believe in euthanasia. Or a
person could value telling the truth, but lie to save another person’s life.
2. Sexual Conflict
Sexual conflict often overlaps with other types of internal conflict such as
religious or moral conflict. For example, a person might be a faithful
Christian but they discover they’re homosexual. Or a person might value
monogamous relationships when sexually they are better suited to
polygamous relationships.
3. Religious Conflict
Religious conflict is quite common because it revolves around belief and
beliefs are very mind-orientated, making them particularly fragile.
Examples of religious conflict could be believing in a loving God, but
finding it hard to accept that this “loving” being sends people to hell for
eternity. Or a person who is religiously faithful, but also believes in the use
of medical marijuana (which is still classified as a drug).

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4. Political Conflict
Political conflict arises when a person feels split between their own beliefs
and their political party’s beliefs. For example, a person may believe in
America but doesn’t believe in paying taxes. A person may align with one
party but disagree with their treatment of the healthcare system. Or a
person may believe in the political philosophy but struggle to support the
politician propagating it.
5. Love Conflict
Love conflict is what happens when we love someone, yet we want to do
something that hurts them. For example, we may love our children, but
believe we have to smack them to make them obedient, which causes us
to feel guilty, or sometimes even wish we didn’t have children at all. We
may love our partners, but find their habits to be intolerable which causes
us to act out. We may also love a person and wish to keep them, but
realize we have to let them go.
6. Self-Image Conflict
Your self-image is the mental idea you have about yourself, e.g. “My name
is Karen. I’m a patient, loving, and compassionate person. I’m a
disorganized artist who supports the rights of animals … etc.” Internal
conflict arises when we are met with evidence that contradicts our beliefs
about ourselves. For example, a person who believes they’re honest might
lie on their resume to get their dream job. Someone who takes pride in
eating healthy might not want to give up smoking.
7. Social Conflict
Social conflict overlaps with other types of internal conflict such as self-
image and love conflict. This type of conflict occurs in social situations
when you want to be one way, but find yourself acting in another way. For
example, Sally hates talking about sports, but she finds herself faking
interest in what her co-workers talk about. An introvert doesn’t have
much energy but creates a high-energy facade to fit in with others. Or
someone is offended by a friend but says nothing even though they want
to.

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 8. Existential Conflict
Existential conflict involves feelings of discomfort and confusion about
life, particularly when two opposing beliefs or desires arise. For instance,
hating life but loving life at the same time. Or wanting to live life to the
fullest, but not wanting to make any changes or get out of your comfort
zone. Existential conflict can also be directed towards the world, for
example, wanting to save our planet, but at the same time believing that
it’s doomed.
How we have been taught to approach problems in our personal lives plays
an important role in how we try to deal with these conflicts. Many of us have
in the past taken a relaxed approach and let someone else make a decision
for us, others have gone on the attack and tried to power through and
enforce their decision on the situation. We will look at the different
approaches to conflict resolution in companies and organisations a little bit
later in the course. But here are some ways we can overcome internal
conflict without letting stress and our past experiences get the better of us:
1. Think Long Term: - When our heart dominates, we tend to make
rash, poorly thought-out decisions. This is where the head comes in:
foresight. Foresight is wisdom. With the limited knowledge you have
right now, what would appear to be the wisest decision in the long-
term?

2. Weigh up the pros and cons: - If you’re struggling to find clarity,

divide a page into two sides. List all the pros of your decision on one
side and the cons on the other.

3. Get clarity on your priority: - Internal conflict often appears when we

have no clear priority. What is your biggest priority at the moment?
What do you value the most? The priority maybe long term or short
term, but more often than not it is better to have a longer-term
approach to the problem rather than just seeing things for the
present moment which may lead to regrets in the future.

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4. Identify your misleading beliefs: - What false, misleading, limiting or
second-hand beliefs are causing the conflict within you? Write down
your problem on a page and next to it ask “Why?” For example, you
may have grown up with a stay-at-home mother and you find that
you want to keep your job and are able to balance work and home
responsibilities. Asking why relentlessly, you might discover that you
believe that working rather than staying at home with your kids
makes you appear a more irresponsible mother which is not really
the case, and you’ve adopted this belief from society.

5. Overcome Inherited Fears: - Fear of the unknown can be a

contributing factor to your internal conflict. You have grown up
believing certain things to be risky and unsafe. Merely because your
growing up you were taught that talking to a stranger is scary or
harmful, you cannot live your life in fear that leads to social anxiety.
Thus, identifying and overcoming your underlying fears helps you to
gain more clarity and direction.

6. The Perceived Lesser of Two Evils: - When making a decision

between two unfavourable situations, sometimes the only way is to
choose the one that would be less unfavourable. If you had to lie to
your friends or your parents, you might decide to lie to the ones
whom you think will be more understanding and empathetic with
your current situation. Or you may perceive it as easier to lie to your
friends as compared to your parents because you perceive it the
lesser of the two wrongs.

7. Identify and Face Unresolved Issues: - Sometimes internal conflict

actually hides deeper issues that need to be explored to find a
resolution, such as negative self-beliefs, unresolved shame or
childhood wounds. You may be in constant conflict with something
as simple as food in general because while growing up you were
made to believe that you are constantly overweight and unfit. This
could lead to you being underweight and malnourished.

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 8. Relax the Mind: - It is very good to take a moment away from the
problem and just let go of our current state of restlessness. It leads
to us focussing on the most important part of our lives, the present.
During difficult decisions it is best to remain calm and be a little more
in control of our actions and thoughts than we normally assume to
be. Relaxing your mind is also a great way to develop new
perspectives. Try meditating, listening to soothing music or practicing
mindfulness. Often the best answers come when we aren’t looking
for them.

Internal conflict is one of the most difficult types of conflict to overcome.

Simply because no one can understand your mind better than you, and yet
you are the one at conflict with yourself. This creates a situation where you
are fighting yourself and the mediation also must be done by you! It can all
get a little confusing at times and that is when we are the peak of our
growth phase.
Accepting ourselves for who we are is a major hurdle that many of us find
difficult to cross. But it is the most important if we are to lead a harmonious
life. After we have grown into accepting ourselves, the next challenge is to
identify our limiting behaviours and patterns and understand why we have
them and what we can do to overcome them. For in understanding and
creating harmony within the self, we can understand and create harmony in
our surroundings.

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