*Anything not marked with “From - AB” is my own feedback

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I made How this change
WP submission: question I received to what I initially impacts my paper:
(Note which WP) (from whom/where?) wrote:

WP1: The two What is the difference For this writing I explain the
disciplines I’ve between the two project, I’ve chosen difference between
chosen, Psychology disciplines? - From the disciplines of my disciplines
and Government, AB Psychology and instead of trying to
have different ways Government, as they explain it in a general
of analyzing the topic have distinct writing sense. I expand more
of education. styles, formats, and on my explanation of
Language, tone, organization styles what Psychology
questions, evidence, that cater to their discusses as a
and even the way an discourse discipline as well in
argument is phrased communities and terms of what is does
are all impacted those who are in my article.
simply because of knowledgeable about
how different the the disciplines.
chosen disciplines Psychology tends to
are. Psychology provide background
focuses on collecting information on their
direct information research while also
from the group that is collecting direct
being researched. information from the
person or group of
people that are being
studied or researched.

WP1: On the other What is the difference In terms of the Similarly to

hand, the government between the two discipline of Psychology, I go into
collects data through disciplines? - From Government, research more depth about
public information, AB is collected through Government
and in the article public information specifically instead of
chosen for this that is available trying to generalize it.
discipline, the through mediums
researchers used such as census data
Census data to and population
analyze their chosen records. For my
topic. While the two article about this
disciplines go about discipline, the
conducting research researchers used
and reporting their Census data to
findings in different analyze their chosen
ways through topic.
different methods,
they both aim to
analyze education as
well as to figure out
how education
directly affects
students.

WP1: While the two The thesis tries to While my chosen Instead of just saying
disciplines go about answer the prompt - it disciplines share the “different ways
conducting research says what the topic of education, through different
and reporting their different genre they conduct research methods,” I offer
findings in different conventions are and and report their actual methods that
ways through tries to posit a findings in different would be used in
different methods, difference between ways as they use these articles by the
they both aim to the two disciplines jargon, evidence, and researchers/authors.
analyze education as but doesn’t fully get subheadings to
well as to figure out there. analyze their topic
how education and discover how
directly affects education affects
students. students.

WP1: In the Throws the reader Kirsten Petrie and This offers the reader
introduction of straight into a quote Jeanette Clarkin an introduction to
‘Physical education’ from the journal Phillips discuss and what the body
in early childhood article instead of focus their article on paragraph will be
education: starting the paragraph the topic of physical discussing instead of
Implications for with a topic sentence. education for young starting the section
primary school children provided with a quote or
curricula, authors through early reading title.
Kirsten Petrie and childhood education
Jeanette centers. I decided to still keep
Clarkin-Phillips focus the original sentence
on physical education in the paragraph, and
from a “broader reworked it to “In the
perspective” introduction of
(Petrie-Clarikin-Philli ‘Physical Education’
ps, 503) as children in Early Childhood
learn about physical Education:
education in different Implications for
settings. primary school
curricula, the authors
focus on physical
education from a
“broader perspective”
 (Petrie-Clarikin-Philli
ps, 503) as children
learn about physical
education in different
settings”

WP#1: The abstract As mentioned before, The abstract of The Now, this is a proper
of The Effect of this paragraph suffers Effect of Education topic sentence that
Education on Crime: from the same on Crime: Evidence should engage the
Evidence from Prison mistake: starting a from Prison Inmates, reader. I also decided
Inmates, Arrests, and body paragraph with Arrests, and to move this to my
Self-Reports claims a quote. While it tells Self-Reports claims first body paragraph,
that “...the effect of the reader exactly that “...the effect of as it was originally in
high school what they’ll be high school the third one.
graduation on reading about, it graduation on
participation in doesn’t offer any sort participation in
criminal activity of topic sentence that criminal activity
accounting for would actually accounting for
endogeneity of compel the reader to endogeneity of
schooling.”1 The keep reading. schooling.”2 The
authors Lance authors Lance
Lochner and Enrico Lochner and Enrico
Moretti state that they Moretti state that they
have used Census have used Census
data to analyze how data to analyze how
high school high school
graduation rates can graduation rates can
affect incarceration. affect incarceration.

WP#1: Petrie and As mentioned before, While psychology I thought it would be

Clarkin-Phillips do an I feel like my body and governemt share better to focus on
excellent job of not paragraphs were too the common comparisons right
only citing their summary-like, and influences of away, instead of
sources but also only tended to focus understanding human trying to give so
providing further on one article at a behavior and much background
context for terms that time. influence, and are information about
may be lost in also identified as both of the articles.
translation. For social sciences, the
example, Aotearoa is two disciplines go
the name of New about presenting their
Zealand, used by the findings and data in
Māori people. They unique ways.
also explain that Government focuses

1
2
Waikato and Bay of heavily on public
Plenty are two policy and public
provinces in the administration, with
North Island of researchers typically
Aotearoa. The utilizing public data
clarification of these such as censuses and
terms also helps surveys to gather
readers to understand information on
the full context of the population,
research that is being demographics, which
done, especially if can be used to create
they are not from policy decisions. On
New Zealand. By the other hand,
explaining these psychology makes
cultural terms, as well use of qualitative
as how early research methods
childhood education when looking into a
operates in the study being
authors’ country, conducted, likely
readers can through something
understand why the such as an interview
research matters in or a “focus group.”
the first place. The Since a psychology
article is also study may not have
organized extremely the information they
well, with sections need publicly or
being bolded, and any readily available,
subsections falling researchers need to
within it being get creative and
italicized, making this figure out how they
article easy to will get their data in
navigate. While the order to contribute to
authors intend to their findings.
understand how Another difference
children are impacted between government
by physical education and psychology is
in their early that because the data
childhood, there collected in order to
seems to be little to report findings is
no research done to accrued in different
uplift this claim. ways, this leads to a
While the difference in the
questionnaire does amount of citations
provide information and/or reference
about activity centers page(s). While Petrie
and programs, as well and Clarkin-Phillips
as what resources have
they provide for acknowledgements,
children and their funding, notes, and
families, there seem references, Lochner
to be no studies done and Moretti seem to
on how children are only have a single
affected by the references page (with
structure of physical Petrie/Clarkin-Phillip
education, especially s having 54 while
not psychologically. Lochner/Moretti have
Therefore, the 36).
discussion of
changing primary
schools’ physical
education
curriculums seems
redundant, as the
readers aren’t given
sufficient information
as to why it should be
changed in the first
place, nor is there
evidence of the
resources provided by
these programs
benefitting the
children. The tone of
the paper aims to be
informative,
especially when
discussing the
questionnaire, but it
falls flat despite the
evidence,
organization, and
claim.

WP#1: The abstract This paragraph Both articles seem to I decided to talk
of The Effect of originally only utilize a sort of about both articles at
Education on Crime: discusses one of the heading/subheading the beginning of the
Evidence from Prison articles, and while it style of organization. paragraph, and start
Inmates, Arrests, and mentions the abstract The articles start with off with Lochner and
Self-Reports claims at the beginning of an abstract section, Moretti before
that “...the effect of the paragraph, it then make their ways moving on to Petrie
high school doesn’t discuss the over to an and Clark-Phillips.
 graduation on organization of the introduction. Lochner
participation in paragraph until the and Moretti utilize
criminal activity end. their article structure
accounting for in a way that has all
endogeneity of of their headings not
schooling.”3 The only bolded, but also
authors Lance numbered (as seen
Lochner and Enrico with 1 Introduction,
Moretti state that they 2 An Economic
have used Census Framework, etc…).
data to analyze how
high school
graduation rates can
affect incarceration.

WP#1: Petrie and Does a good job of There are major Discusses jargon in a
Clarkin-Phillips do an bringing up the idea differences between way that has both
excellent job of not of jargon, but keeps the two articles when articles being
only citing their the comparison to one it comes to the compared together as
sources but also article at a time again. readers having any opposed to separately
providing further sort of prior (until the key
context for terms that knowledge on either differences are
may be lost in one of the articles’ discussed).
translation. For subjects before
example, Aotearoa is actually reading the
the name of New authors’ works.
Zealand, used by the
Māori people.

WP#2: No use of Also doesn't Dr. *Pictures shown in I did not consider
pictures! Seuss usually include final portfolio adding drawings to
pictures? Maybe submission my original
something to consider submission draft fro
for the portfolio - WP #2, so I thought
From AB this would a great
suggestion!

WP#2: When You could expand When I thought about I decided to expand a
translating my article more on your how I wanted to bit more on my
into a children’s translation process - rhyme, the first thing translation process,
poem, I found myself what rhyme scheme that came to mind and added a few more
gravitating towards a did you use? How did was having all the details to what I was
specific convention you decide on the words at the end of thinking while

3
Lochner, Lance, and Enrico Moretti.“The effect of education on crime: Evidence from prison
inmates, arrests and self-reports.” (Abstract)
that Dr. Seuss structure of the sentence rhyme, originally was writing
typically uses in his sentences? etc. - which is called an the reflection, but
work. I always found From AB “end rhyme!” As I ended up removing.
it interesting as a worked on my
child that his stories translation, I found
would rhyme the myself saying or
entirety of the book, singing the lines of
and I thought that I my story in my head..
could never create I also didn’t just want
a story that rhymed the translation to
at the end of every rhyme and use
sentence. language that kids
could understand, I
wanted kids to
connect with the
story. This is
ultimately why I also
decided to include
pictures/drawings.
That way, I not only
have an illustration
depicting the story
being told, but I
would also have
something to show
and get kids to
interact with if I were
to ever read this in
front of a group of
them..

WP#2: “Two authors I think using “Two scholars had a Not too difficult of a
had a question” “authors” is a bit question” word for kids to
bland, I think I can understand, definitely
use a more interesting more interesting than
word! authors!

WP#2: “Kids don’t Seems a bit too “Kids don’t think Uses a bit of slang to
put much thought into proper for children. bout’ it,” sound a bit more
it,” natural, instead of
sounding too serious!

WP#2: “If families go This whole rhyme “Active program I think this does a
to activity programs, seems too wordy too centers good job at
They’ll have a great me, may be better if it Can give parents simplifying the
ol’ time!” was simplified. peace of mind!” rhyme while still
 keeping its original
meaning.

WP#2: “Lots of Did not realize that “Lots of people Getting rid of the
people answer their having “answer” answer their survey! second “answer”
survey! twice would be Fifty-one to be definitely helped the
Fifty-one answers to redundant! exact.” phrase flow better.
be exact.”

WP#2: “They teach Rhyme also seems a “Get to learn some This flows much
so many different bit wordy; doesn’t different skills” better than the
skills” flow nicely previous rhyme!