The

Five Keys to
Deeper
Dating

Ken Page, LCSW

Author of the best selling book Deeper Dating®
Host of the Deeper Dating® Podcast
 Finding real
love is a miracle
in our lives.
Love’s arrival feels like magic - and it is. You can
invite that miracle into your life by focusing on each
of these five specific keys! And you won’t just speed
your path to love: You’ll become happier, stronger
and more self-loving!

Ken Page, LCSW

 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 3

Key #01

Discover Your Core

Intimacy Gifts – and
Let Them Guide Your
Search for Love
In my decades of practice as a psychotherapist,
this is the insight that has inspired me most:
Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts.
I’ve found that the very qualities we’re most
ashamed of, the ones we keep trying to reshape
or hide, are, in fact, the key to finding real love.
Here’s how to discover your Core Gifts:
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 4

Discover Your Core Intimacy Gifts – and

Let Them Guide Your Search for Love
How Your Deepest Insecurities Reveal Your Deepest Gifts

In my decades of practice as a psychotherapist, this is the insight that has

inspired me most:
Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts.
I’ve found that the very qualities we’re most ashamed of, the ones we keep
trying to reshape or hide, are, in fact, the key to finding real love. I call them
“Core Gifts,” and I explore them in great detail in my book Deeper Dating: How
to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.
It’s so easy to get lost in the quest for self-improvement. Every billboard
seduces us with the vision of a happier, more successful life. I’m suggesting the
opposite road to happiness. If we can name our own awkward, ardent gifts and
extricate them from the shame and wounds that keep them buried, we’ll find
ourselves on a bullet train to deep, surprising, life-changing intimacy.
Over the years, I realized that the characteristics of my clients, which I found
most inspiring, most essentially them, were the ones that frequently caused
them the most suffering.
Some clients would complain of feeling like they were “too much”: too intense,
too angry, or too demanding. From my therapist’s chair, I would see a passion
so powerful that it frightened people away.
Other clients said they felt that they felt like they were “not enough”: too weak,
too quiet, too ineffective. I would find a quality of humility and grace in them,
which would not let them assert themselves as others did.
Clients would describe lives devastated by codependency, and I would see an
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 5

immense generosity with no healthy limits.

Again and again, where my clients saw their greatest wounds, I also saw their
most defining gifts!
Cervantes said that reading a translation is like viewing a tapestry from the
back. That’s what it’s like when we try to understand our deepest struggles
without honoring the gifts that fuel them.
When we understand our lives through the lens of our gifts, it’s as if we step
out from behind the tapestry and really see it for the first time. All of a sudden,
things make sense. We see the real picture, the moving, human story of what
matters most to us. We begin to understand that our biggest mistakes, our
most self-sabotaging behaviors, were simply convulsive, unskilled attempts to
express the deepest parts of ourselves.
Susan came to therapy after her boyfriend of two years left her. She had put
the whole of her heart and all her energies into her relationship, and when it
ended, she felt utterly destroyed. “Why can’t I let go and move on like he did, or
like my friends tell me I should?” she asked me on her first visit.
As she described her relationship history, I saw a consistent quality of kindness
in her, a soft-heartedness that people kept taking advantage of. Susan
appreciated these qualities in herself, but she also felt like they were a curse.
(That very ambivalence is one of the main indicators of a core gift.) I sensed
that a key to her healing lay precisely there. Again and again, we worked at
helping her reframe her sensitivity not as a weakness, but as a gift that she—as
well as her former partners—didn’t know how to honor.
It sounds simple, but seeing these qualities as a gift was the foundation of a
new dating life for her. By seeing their worth, she could learn to understand,
honor, and even treasure them.
When Susan looked at her life through the lens of her gift, she felt triumphant.
“I was right all along!” she said. “Those things that bothered me about my
boyfriends bothered me for a reason. I wasn’t crazy. I just didn’t honor my gift,
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 6

and I found men who were all too happy to agree with me.”
I’ve named the approach I used with Susan “Gift Theory.” The easiest way to
explain Gift Theory is by starting with the image of a target. Every ring inward
toward the center moves us closer to our most authentic self. In the center of
the target, where the bull’s-eye is, lie our Core Gifts.
Core Gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand
them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses or as parts of ourselves too
vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone
marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy
and authentic self-expression.
But gifts aren’t hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and
again. We become most defensive—or most naïve—around them. They
challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want
to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected.
Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by
moving further out from the center. Each ring outward represents a more
airbrushed version of ourselves. Each makes us feel safer, puts us at less risk
of embarrassment, failure, and rejection.
Yet, each ring outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our
authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our Core
Gifts, we feel more and more isolated. When we get too far, we experience a
terrible sense of emptiness.
So, most of us set up shop at a point where we are close enough to be
warmed by our gifts, but far enough away that we do not get burned by their
fire. We create safer versions of ourselves to enable us to get through our lives
without having to face the existential risk of our core.
The Gift Theory model invites us to discover what our Core Gifts are (most of
us don’t really know), to extricate these gifts from the wounds that keep them
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 7

buried, and to express them with bravery, generosity, and discrimination in our
dating life. When we do this, we find healthy love moving closer.
If you’re looking for love, try to discover your own gifts. They shine in your joys
and strengths, but they also live—and hide—right in the heart of your greatest
insecurities and heartbreaks. If you learn to lead with them in your dating
life, you will find—almost without trying—that you’re experiencing mutual
attractions with people who love and treasure the very gifts you’re discovering.
I invite you to take two or three minutes to reflect on the following question:
Are there essential qualities in you that have sometimes felt more like a
curse than a gift? Perhaps you haven’t known how to handle them, or maybe
you’ve had the painful experience of other people misunderstanding or taking
advantage of them. Take a minute to begin to put words to these qualities.
As you name them, you’ll learn to honor them, and you’ll come to understand
your struggles, your intimacy journey, and your life story in a new way.

© Ken Page, LCSW 2023 Originally Published on PsychologyToday.com

 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 8

Key #02

Lose Your Taste

For “Attractions Of
Deprivation”…And ONLY
Pursue Your “Attractions
of Inspiration”
These are the ideas Oprah.com excerpted from my
book Deeper Dating. It’s easy to become attracted
to people who can almost commit; who almost
cherish you for who you are. So, you try playing
hard to get. Or you hover. You give more. You set
boundaries. And none of it works. When you lose
your taste for these relationships, a dead-end era
of your dating life is finally over! Now you can learn
to pursue the only attractions that lead to lasting
intimacy: your Attractions of Inspiration.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 9

If I could only share one insight with my readers, it would be this: Learn to
distinguish between your “attractions of deprivation” and your “attractions of
inspiration.” Then, only follow your attractions of inspiration. I believe that’s the
wisest path to love.
But, as I explain in my book Deeper Dating, wisest doesn’t mean easy.
Attractions of deprivation can be wildly compelling, while inspiring relationships
hold challenges that few of us are trained to meet. Let’s explore both types of
attractions and discover how we can chart a path toward love that lasts.

Attractions of Deprivation
Attractions of deprivation draw us in like an undertow and almost always
get us hurt. We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner’s
love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time worrying about what
we’ve done wrong, or what we can do differently to make things right. These
relationships can trigger a need and longing that robs us of our sense of
balance. In some essential way, they leave us feeling inadequate.
If they cause so much pain, then why are they so hard to break free from?
Because they activate one of the most primordial human emotions: fear of
abandonment. There are other reasons why these relationships keep trapping
us, and we’ll explore them in future posts.
For now, it’s worthwhile to note that many attractions of deprivation are what
behavioral theorists call “intermittent reward systems.” In these systems, you
get rewarded only sporadically, and you can’t control when the reward comes.
They are the most compelling system of reinforcement—and the hardest to
break free from. Gambling is a perfect example of intermittent reward—and
the parallels are obvious!
• Have you ever been crazy about someone who wasn’t available, or wasn’t
good for you?
• Have you ever invested way too much time trying to teach someone to
treat you right?
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 10

• Have you ever felt desperate for the affection of someone who sometimes
treated you wonderfully, and other times badly?
If you haven’t, come introduce yourself; I don’t think we’ve met yet. Because
these are the most sneaky, seductive attractions of all.

Attractions of Inspiration
A great secret to finding love lies in choosing and cultivating only attractions
of inspiration. It’s such a simple insight, yet it takes decades for most of us to
arrive at this truth, if we ever do at all.
Attractions of inspiration have a warmth and an easiness. In these
relationships, our challenge is to accept our partner’s caring, not win it. Our
partners might challenge us to be better, but at the bottom, they love us for
who we are.
Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the real sense of well-being that the
relationship creates in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that’s
denied us. These attractions often unfold slowly. They get richer as time goes
on.
They may take lots of work—but such relationships allow the work of intimacy.
They make us feel love, not desperation. These are the only relationships to
build a life around, the only ones that deserve the gift of our most intimate self.
We can measure the quality of our lives by the relationships of mutual
inspiration we’ve cultivated. Without such inspiration, any love will wither.
And without these relationships, we too will wither, reverting to smaller, more
defensive, and wounded versions of ourselves.
Humans are a lot like rubber bands: We shrink to a small, comfortable
size unless we’re held to greater expansion by forces outside ourselves.
Relationships of inspiration expand us to a size we could never achieve alone.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 11

Here are some rules for identifying your attractions of inspiration:

• Are you inspired by your partner’s (mostly) consistent caring and
acceptance?
• Are you inspired by your partner’s goodness and decency?
• Is your love fueled by respect for the kind of person your partner is?
• Are you and your partner willing to do the hard work of healing the
relationship’s areas of weakness?
If so, celebrate. You have found an attraction of inspiration, and you should
treasure it. It’s the type that can sustain a future of love.

Choosing Happiness
Many of us believe that the attractions of deprivation are real love because
they draw us in so powerfully. When these attractions let us down, we believe
it’s because of a lack in us, not because of a fatal flaw embedded in the
attractions themselves.
A person I know who suffered from a string of deprivational relationships
had an epiphany one day in therapy. True, her most intense attractions were
toward unavailable men. But she was also able to fall in love with qualities of
kindness, decency—and availability. The problem was that she was looking for
turn-on first, and inspiration later.
Simply put, her order was off. Quick turn-on is simple; it takes care of itself.
Noticing inspiration requires time and a conscious decision to look for it. Of
course, she had to be physically attracted to someone, but she was sure that
there were men out there who both attracted and inspired her!
She realized, with a new sense of hope, that she had two totally different
systems of wiring—and that she could choose which to follow. She could follow
the compelling, scratch-the-itch attractions of deprivation, or she could follow
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 12

the attractions that fed the best parts of her. And that’s when her dating life
really began to change.
Most of us are wired to want the hard-to-get. People who devalue us make us
want to convince them of our worth. These are our circuitries of deprivation.
And as compelling as they are, they rarely lead to happiness or lasting love.
But—and here’s the all-important part—most of us also have the hardwiring
to desire people who inspire us, value us, and are available. Even if we have
a hair-trigger attraction to negative relationships, that doesn’t mean we can’t
be deeply attracted to inspiring ones! We’ve just never been taught how to
distinguish between these attractions. Or that we can choose the healthier
love, and then consciously cultivate its passion and sexual heat.
Attractions of inspiration come with their own unique challenges. Whereas
attractions of deprivation trigger fear of abandonment, attractions of
inspiration trigger our fear of intimacy. We’ll explore the work of love in
attractions of inspiration in future posts.
As empowering as this tool of discrimination seems, readers might worry
that it leads to grandiosity, a judgmental attitude, or an inability to remain in
relationships in times of conflict. All of these are real concerns, and we’ll look at
them with care in future posts.
In my experience, however, the reverse is much more likely to apply. In
relationships of deprivation, we are prone to both self-judgment and disdain of
our partner. In relationships of inspiration, we discover a capacity for patience;
for humility, which allows us to lean on and value our partners’ deepest gifts.
Try this approach for a few months, and watch what happens. My guess is that
you’ll develop a sharper “eye for inspiration,” which will help you choose real
love, and not new repetitions of old heartache. You are warmly invited to write
in to let us know your thoughts and experiences as you make these concepts a
central organizing principle in your dating life.
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Key #03

Learn To Cultivate The

Self-Love That Leads
to True Love
How to Love Yourself First
Everyone’s heard this self-help platitude: We need
to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.
This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth.
If we want to experience true intimacy, we need
to be taught to love aspects of ourselves—again
and again—by the people around us. As much as
we want to control our own destiny, the humbling
truth is that sometimes the only way to learn
self-love is by being loved—precisely in the places
where we feel most unsure and most tender.
Self-love is learned best through relationships with
people who truly value us
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 14

Everyone’s heard this self-help platitude: We need to love ourselves before

we can love anyone else. This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth. If
we want to experience true intimacy, we need to be taught to love aspects of
ourselves—again and again—by the people around us.
As much as we want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that
sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved—precisely in the
places where we feel most unsure and most tender. When that happens, we
feel freedom and relief and permission to love in a deeper way. No amount
of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of
willpower.
Yet if our vulnerability is met with derision or disinterest, something tender
shrivels and retracts within us, and we may think twice about ever sharing that
part again. In my favorite Chipmunks episode, Simon falls head over heels in
love, but has no idea how to win the (chip)girl’s heart. Dave exhorts him, “Just
be yourself.” In response, Simon wails, “I tried that already!” When our authentic
self doesn’t work in the world, we create a false self which lets us feel safe and
accepted—but at significant cost. The great psychoanalytic theorist Donald
Winnicott said, “Only the true self can be creative, and only the true self can feel
real.” I would add that only the true self can bear the risk of deep intimacy.
Every time we face the choice to share our deeper self, we stand at a precipice.
Often, it’s just too scary to take the step forward.
Imagine taking a pet you love and putting it in a yard with an invisible
electric fence. When it moves outside its allowed space, it gets stunned by
an unexpected shock. It will only take a few jolts before your pet gets the
message: If it goes too far, punishment will be instantaneous. In a short period
of time, your pet won’t act as if the borders even exist; it will simply avoid them.
If pushed closer to the danger zone, it will exhibit increasing signs of anxiety.
The world outside the fence just isn’t worth the pain.
Now imagine turning off the charge from the invisible fence and then placing
a bowl of food outside its perimeter. Your pet might be starving, but it will still
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 15

be terrified to enter into the newly free space. And when it finally crosses the
line, it does so tremblingly, anticipating the pain of new shocks. It is the same
with us; even though we yearn for the freedom of our true self, some deep,
reflexive instinct still tries to protect us from being hurt again.
We can each learn more about our true and false selves by answering these
two questions:
What parts of your authentic self did you have to hide or camouflage in your
childhood?
In your current relationships, where are you confined to too small of a space?
What parts of yourself are you not expressing?
In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve found that we tend to be ashamed of our
most unique, passionate, and iconoclastic parts. These aspects of ourselves
threaten our safety, but as I explain in my book Deeper Dating, they are the
direct path to love and, not incidentally, to personal greatness. When we
suppress these challenging gifts, we’re left with a sense of emptiness and
loneliness.
This shame around our most vulnerable attributes is almost universal. And
even our best thinking will barely budge it.
So, how do we free ourselves from the thrall of learned shame and fear around
our gifts? The best—sometimes the only—way out is through relationships,
relationships which instruct us in the worth of our most vulnerable self.
Who, of the people you know, sees and relishes your true self? Who isn’t too
afraid of your passion or too envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of
spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are gold.
Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them. They are, quite
simply, the way out. They are what I call relationships of inspiration, and we
usually need to build these relationships into our non-romantic lives before
we find them in our romantic partners. When you date someone like this,
recognize what progress you’ve made to let them in, and celebrate that.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 16

Key #4

Know Your “Flight

Patterns”- And Work
On Them
There are so many ways to flee the risks of true
intimacy: Pushing good people away. Staying
home. Wasting time on attractions of deprivation.
Not being authentic. Looking for hookups instead
of dates. Do you know how you flee intimacy--and
are you consciously trying new behaviors? If so,
your whole dating future will improve. Really.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 17

Fear of intimacy isn’t a character flaw rendering us unfit for intimacy; it is part
of being human. If we’re breathing, we have a fear of intimacy.
The real question is: How do we keep love at arm’s length, and what can we do
to change that? Addressing this two-part question is perhaps the most direct
path to greater happiness.
The Harvard Grant Study provides an extraordinary vantage point from
which to explore these issues. This study is one of the most comprehensive
longitudinal studies of human development ever undertaken. Although limited
in its participant pool (all of its subjects are male Harvard graduates), its
findings are stunning in their clarity and simplicity. George Vaillant, director
of the study, sums up the results of 75 years of research in two sentences:
“Happiness is love. Full stop.”
The findings of the Harvard Grant Study continue to guide us on our journey.
The study describes the personality characteristic that is most important for
finding this happiness. It is “a mature coping style that does not push love away.”
I think it’s safe to assume that we all need some help with that one.
Whether we’re single or coupled, it’s natural to flee the very love we wish
to embrace. As I explain in my book, Deeper Dating, all of us have a fear of
intimacy. What we do with that fear determines who we become in the world.
Fear of intimacy is no more a “flaw” than fear of dying is a flaw. Love is the most
valuable thing in the world; hence, the fear of losing it or being hurt by it is
completely rational.
Clearly, some of us experience more debilitating fears of intimacy than others.
Yet, by pathologizing this universal trait, we avoid the deeper work of intimacy
confronting each of us. In the old binary model, either we have “intimacy
issues,” or we’re essentially just fine.
It is much more useful to assume that we all have significant gaps in our ability
to love. Once we accept this, we can move on to the real work—acknowledging
which parts of love scare us most, and exploring the patterns we’ve created to
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 18

avoid that love. This is the place to start, the core curriculum for any serious
“student of intimacy.”

How we keep intimacy at arm’s length

We can’t correct all the ways we flee intimacy—it would take until the end of
time. However, if we find one prime way in which we push love away—and if
we then tackle that particular defensive pattern, the chances are great that we
will see the love in our life increase and deepen. That choice is a small act of
personal greatness—and it is within all of our reaches.
Most of us, if we are really honest with ourselves, have some idea of how we
keep deeper love at bay. Here are just a few examples:
• I keep focusing on relationships with people who can’t meet my needs. I often
find myself in the position of having to teach friends and girlfriends how to
behave appropriately in a relationship.
• I have a few people in my life who are very precious to me, but I never seem to
find the opportunity to spend much quality time with them. My life is just too
busy.
• I love my daughter—and she’ll be leaving for college next year. But when we
have time together, I keep getting annoyed at her for little things. Then, when
she goes into her room to talk to her friends, I kick myself for losing another
chance for us to get closer.
• I really want a relationship, but when I get home from work, I just make myself
dinner and watch TV—and then, as the evening goes on, I spend a few hours
watching pornography. I know that’s not going to get me anywhere, but it’s
hard to stop.
• I know my drinking gets in the way of my life. I keep trying to stop, but after a
few weeks or months, I’m back out with my drinking friends.
Take a moment to reflect on your own patterns. What rings most true for
you as a way that you consciously or unconsciously orchestrate a degree of
distance in your life?
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Not sure? Try this: Think of one or two people who are close to you and are
both kind and highly perceptive—and ask them what patterns they see in you.
Most friends will be able to tell you instantly and accurately. If you’re in an
intimate relationship, your husband, wife, or partner is also sure to have some
thoughts on the subject.
One other point: If you have an active addiction, compulsive behavior, or
untreated and significant mental health condition, be sure to start right
there—as hard as it might be. Without addressing such underlying issues, it will
be almost impossible to succeed in deepening intimacy in your life.
When you have found the pattern you want to focus on and commit to
addressing it, you’ve earned the right to congratulate yourself. Most people
never get that far. Now, let’s briefly explore what to do when you’ve identified
your pattern.

The best antidote to fear of intimacy

The single greatest antidote to fear of intimacy is intimacy itself. Through our
relationships with people who we value and who are consistently authentic and
caring toward us, we can learn the skills to navigate the personal minefields we
all have.
Positive self-talk is great, and so are affirmations, but when it comes to
changing entrenched intimacy-sabotaging patterns, relationships are where
the real work takes place.
In his inspiring book Change or Die, Alan Deutschman identifies three
research-backed keys to lasting change. Each relies upon the power of
relationships.
1. Relate: You form a new, emotional relationship with a person or community
that inspires and sustains hope.
2. Repeat: The new relationship helps you learn, practice, and master the new
habits and skills you need.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 20

3. Reframe: The new relationship helps you learn new ways of thinking about
your situation and your life.
Which relationships in your life feel like antidotes to your fear of intimacy?
These are the people to lean on and with whom you should schedule as much
quality time as possible. You can enlist their help and support in changing the
patterns you use to keep love at a distance. You may also choose to get help
through a 12-step program, or psychotherapy, or any of a number of other
supports.
Lil and Joe, an extraordinary couple I’ve known for decades, can shed light on
how we can move past the fear of intimacy. I’ve always been impressed by how
good Lil and Joe are as a couple. As a teenager, Joe was in an accident that
paralyzed him from the waist down. Lil went on a date with him a few years
later, and they both felt a strong sense of connection. They started as friends,
and over the course of a few years, fell in love.
When Joe found a good job, he screwed his courage up and asked Lil to
marry him. Lil said yes—and they’ve been together for almost 60 years.
Recently, I asked them how they managed to get past the fears they must
have confronted in their decision to build a life together. Their answer was
transcendent in its simplicity:
“We just kept spending time together because we wanted to. We didn’t think of
marriage at first. That would have been way too scary. We just let the closeness
build. And at a certain point, we realized that our love had simply become bigger
than our fear. After that, it was just a matter of putting one foot in front of the
other.”
We do not have to rid ourselves of our fear of intimacy before we can have
deeper love. It’s the practice of intimacy that gets us past our fear of intimacy.
As Ray Bradbury said, “If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love
affair. We’d never have a friendship… You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time
and build your wings on the way down.”
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Key #05

Your Brave Shortcut

To Love
How to Discover and Follow
Your Guiding Insights

Buried in all the nagging “shoulds” of self-

improvement lie what I call “guiding insights”;
insights that carry a real ring of truth for you about
what’s next in your search for love. Embrace yours,
and you’ll feel the excitement and the challenge of
your own authentic journey.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 22

No matter what you’ve been told, no matter what you’ve feared to be true, the
search for love is essentially neither a race against time nor a hunt for a needle
in the haystack. It’s a journey toward intimacy, and we shape that journey by
the roads we choose. In this post, I want to suggest a shortcut for the brave of
heart.
Buried in all the nagging “shoulds” of self-improvement lie what I call “guiding
insights”; insights that carry a real ring of truth for you about what’s next in
your search for love. Embrace yours, and you’ll feel the excitement and the
challenge of your own authentic journey.
These insights often arise in your most undefended moments. Their call carries
a sense of urgency and truth that you feel deep inside. You know they matter.
They may make your heart ache (that ache is usually a sign of their veracity).
They may feel comforting, or they may scare the hell out of you. They may be
undefined, inchoate, forming even while you’re feeling your way into them.
But if they don’t chime for you, then they’re not core insights--no matter how
practical they are.
Don’t worry about finding your core lessons. They’ll find you. If you’re on the
lookout, and if you’re willing to say yes to the challenges they hold, they will
come more and more frequently.
About a decade ago, I saw Almodovar’s brilliant movie, All About My Mother.
After the movie, I felt an odd sensation inside. I walked to a quiet part of
the theatre lobby and closed my eyes. What was I feeling? After a minute,
it became clear. I wanted to be a dad. I was a single gay man, and I wasn’t
sure my finances could handle it, but I felt it in my gut--I was being called to
fatherhood. About one year later, I brought my son home, and we became a
family. It’s been the greatest gift of my life.
Core insights can be smaller in scale; a bittersweet realization that there’s been
too much distance between you and a loved one. Deciding to ask your friend
to introduce you to someone whose presence moves you. Taking the plunge to
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 23

get a pet.
It’s not that most of us don’t get core insights: it’s that we chronically ignore
them. Countless magazines rely on the fact that we minimize our own inner
authority and crave the comfort of expert advice!
Why do we fool ourselves like this?
Because following our own insights means carving a path that’s uniquely ours.
Somehow, we sense that this will bring us straight to the wild and risky truths
of our life--and we’d prefer to avoid that jungle if at all possible. Most of us
prefer comfort to risk, even if that comfort turns into loneliness. The issue isn’t
that we lack wisdom, it’s that our wisdom asks more of us than we’d rather
give.
I worried that the demands of being a single dad would keep me from finding
love. In fact, the opposite happened. I met my wonderful partner, also a dad,
through an event for our children. If you follow your own core insights, love will
move closer--and you’ll feel it happening.
In world of to-do lists that never stop growing, the feeling of knowing what
matters is a treasure. Dive into the five minute process below to learn more
about your own core insights. And please share your experiences and
comments.
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 24

Exercise: A Five-Minute Introduction

to Your Guiding Insights
Take a paper and pencil. On the top of the paper, write: WHERE IS LOVE
CALLING ME?
Now take a few minutes to write—straight from your feelings. Where in your
life is love calling you? Maybe it’s the longing to play an instrument you gave up
years ago. Or the desire to spend more time in nature, or with friends. What
you write may surprise you, and that’s good. After you write something, let a
moment pass and silently ask yourself the question again. Once again, write
whatever hits you, even if it’s only one word, or lines from a song. Try not to
second guess. You’re learning a new language.
Take a moment to look at what you wrote. Notice any tendency you have to
diminish it, ignore it or flee from it. Instead, try to simply allow its effects to
ripple through you. The simple act of appreciating these messages allows them
to seep into our circuitry, somehow changing us.
If this exercise confronted you with something too hard to act upon, please
don’t turn it into an oppressive “should.” Instead, simply cherish the worth
of your insight, feel your fear—and don’t do anything more. Just feeling the
humanity in both sides of yourself is an act of empowerment. The aching
friction it creates will generate the very heat you need to take the next step.
Get to know the flavor, the feel of your own deeper streams of insight. Then,
instead of simply seeking love, you’ll be building it in your life. And that’s how
real, healthy love comes to us.

©Ken Page, LCSW 2023 Each of the above sections appeared first in PsychologyToday.com
 5 KEYS TO DEEPER DATING 25

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