Last updated December 25, 2019

Lines
1. What’s the deal with ____?
2. Did you ever notice ____?
3. Location, location, location
4. It’s an oxymoron, like Military Intelligence
5. Rubber chickens
6. Banana peels
7. Groucho glasses
8. Sorry (Not sorry).
9. ____? More like ____.
10. Can you not?
11. Shhhush! (finger to mouth)
12. Let’s not and say we did.
13. Va-jay-jay
14. Assclown
15. Ridonkulous
16. Wait for it...
17. Just threw up in my mouth
18. I just peed a little
19. Really?
20. Good talk.
21. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk
22. In the following essay I will...
23. Bag of dicks
24. And by ____ I mean ____.
25. Check please!
26. That’s gonna leave a mark
27. Awkward!
28. Soooooo, that just happened.
29. That’s a thing.
30. ____ on steroids/crack.
31. Lady boner
32. Ruh-roh!
33. Note to self
34. I think that came out wrong
35. Did I say that out loud?
36. Swipe right
37. Hashtag ____
38. Define ____
39. White people problems
40. No? Just me?
41. He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?
42. Why are we whispering?
43. That went well
44. I’m kind of a big deal
45. A hot mess
46. Who are you and what have you done with ____?
47. That’s not a thing
48. It’s science
49. And... scene
50. Cray-cray
51. Can’t unsee that
52. Real talk
53. #Nailed it
54. Random!
55. You had one job.
56. Here’s the line. Here’s you.
57. Awesome sauce
58. Thanks... I guess.
59. Little help?
60. That. Just. Happened.
61. Laughy McLaugherson
62. ____ dot com.
63. I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you
64. I love lamp
65. Oh hell naw!
66. Epic fail
67. See what I did there?
68. Did I just say that out loud?
69. I’ll show myself out
70. Food baby
71. Douche (nozzle)
72. Too soon?
73. Spoiler alert
74. Um... in English please.
75. Life hack
76. Best/Worst. ____. Ever.
77. It’s giving me all the feels
78. Garbage people
79. That happened one time!
80. Tou ché
81. Well played
82. I’m right here!
83. Dumpster fire
84. Hard pass
85. Are you having a stroke?
86. We have fun
87. Who hurt you?
88. I absorbed my twin in the womb
89. I’ll take ____ for $500, Alex
90. Thanks, Obama [or Trump, or Science]
91. This is why we can’t have nice things
92. I think we’re done here
93. Wait, what?
94. Shots fired
95. That’s what she said
96. …in my parents’ basement
97. but you’re 37
98. but Ma, I’m 37.
99. but you have to . . . you’re the principal.
100. But Wait. There’s more.
101. Did you hear about [some ridiculous concept/idea]? I’d
love to see that pitch meeting.” [Acts out imagined pitch
meeting]
102. Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.
103. Too soon?
104. Everyday we stray farther from God’s light
105. Weird flex but okay
106. This ain’t it chief
107. guac costs extra
108. I, for one, welcome our _____ overlords.
109. I must go, my people need me.
110. Clapback
111. Triggered
112. I feel personally attacked
113. Might delete soon but thought I look cute
114. Any meme
115. Trump has small hands
116. Go home [inanimate object], you’re drunk
117. That’d make a great band name
118. I feel seen
119. This.
120. ____splaining
121. My other _______s a _________
122. Jesus is my co-______
123. Big fake laugh that devolves into an unimpressed groan.
124. You should see the other guy
125. Making the sound of a game show buzzer or winning bell
126. The taint
127. zip, zero, nada.
128. Wow. Just. Wow.
129. I’m not a ______, but I play one on TV.
130. Bueller? Bueller??
131. Still a better love story than Twilight
132. Have we tried turning ______ off and then on again?
133. doesnt spark joy/sparks joy
134. Swimming in pussy
135. Nickelback
136. It’s [current year]
137. Ah, yes, the two genders.
138. The Internets
139. The Tubes
140. Mispronouncing Benedict Cumberbatch’s name
141. Mispronouncing M Night Shyamalan’s name
142. Kids, don’t try this at home.
143. In English, doctor.
144. Don’t drop the soap.
145. It’s not you, it’s me.
146. Welcome to (or Thank you for coming to) my TED talk
147. Sorry not sorry
148. Well, it’s not wrong.
149. Making a joke about diabetes every time someone
mentions sugar, orders dessert, etc.
150. Turning to camera and saying “oh sorry, didn’t see you
there”
151. Do a reach-around.
152. No one: [something] / Me: [something]
153. Nobody: / Group/Person/Persons: Something that’s
specific to that group of people that would come off as
strange to anybody not in whatever specified group.
154. If _______, the terrorists have won
155. Resting bitch face (or variations thereof).
156. I’m not trying to be a bitch...
157. Response to single clap: “Thanks, Mom.”
158. Response to glass breaking: “Put that anywhere.”
159. Response to riding the bus/playing a small town: “Because
my career is on FIRE.”
160. Rando
161. Audio cliché: record scratch
162. This does not spark joy
163. The false TV flashback: a character sets up what seems
to be an imminent flashback sequence, but it’s instantly
scrapped and no flashback occurs.
164. The real [insert topic] was the friends we all made along
the way.
165. “OK, I’ll bite.”
166. Kale tastes bad
167. California “Surfer dude” character
168. Response to a statement: “Fight me.”
169. Response to a statement: “Don’t @ me.”
170. When non-sports fans say stuff like “Sports Ball” and “Did
the Sports do the Sports?”
171. Come at me bro
172. It must be true – I read it on the internet.
173. Making fun of Wikipedia as a source
174. Calling the internet “Interwebs”
175. Claiming young people are eating Tide pods.
176. Millennials liking avocado toast
177. A comedy that has one or more non-threatening people
walking into a place in slow motion with a rap song
playing.
178. I remember my first [beer, etc.].
179. Oh we are though!
180. Jokes about being ass-raped in prison.
181. I was today years old when I learned this.
182. This is why we can’t have nice things.
183. The fat/pudgy/not traditionally attractive character who’s
made to be hyper sexual and confident for laughs.
184. Cool story, bro.
185. I want to go to there.
186. Character slamming into glass, sticking there for a
moment, and then slowly sliding down with a squeaking
sfx.
187. I’ve waited my whole life to say this...
188. Get fit for an orange jumpsuit
189. My body is ready
190. When people ask a question on Facebook and say “Hey
hive mind/Faceplace/Bookface.”
191. Asshat
192. I just peed a little
193. “Bruce” Jenner
194. Referencing a common thing/behavior and immediately
going into a bit in which the use of a specific, random
name seems to be the whole joke. Something like: “[x]
 is like that guy in your office who always takes the last
donut. WE KNOW YOU TOOK THE DONUT, GLENN!
PUT IT DOWN, GLENN!”
195. Wins the Internet.
196. That’s like, your opinion, man.
197. Happy Wife, Happy Life.
198. So, I did a thing.
199. Hangry.
200. Sooooo...yeah.
201. Anything cargo shorts
202. _____ , _____ and _____, oh my!
203. What the fresh hell?
204. What the absolute fuck?
205. You go, girl!
206. I shit you not.
207. Serial killers wearing ‘skin suits’.
208. “Said no one ever.” / short twitter script in which a
response line is “Nobody.”
209. Bye, Felicia!
210. Not today, Satan!
211. Dear (someone)..<insert rant> / That is all.
212. When I was your age...
213. Your not funny, you’re just the loudest one in the room.
214. There’s no such thing as climate change.
215. Any reference to God being on drugs and making a
platypus.
216. There’s (however many minutes) I’ll never get back.
217. Not so much
218. “The frogs are turning people gay” whenever you embark
on an Alex Jones impression
219. Celebrity impressions where you replace cast members of
Wizard of Oz with different celebrities. Or any show.
220. Who hurt you?
221. Pictures or it didn’t happen.
222. Story checks out.
223. Step 3: profit.
224. Senior moment
225. Shut up and take my money!
226. “Are you on the drugs?” Or “you’re on the drugs aren’t
you?” Or “are you taking the pot.”
227. When I was a kid my dad caught me smoking he made me
smoke the whole pack to punish me. I wish he’d do that
when he caught me with a girl.
228. Done and done.
229. I’d like to thank the Academy
230. Starting a sentence with “When” and then trying explain
something relatable.
231. “At press time....”
232. People from middle-class backgrounds acting like they
survived a war-zone of a childhood, “My parents didn’t
even put seat belts on us when we were kids.”
233. Referencing well known things from your childhood and
saying if you don’t know such and such “then you’re too
young for me.”
234. This is why aliens don’t visit us.
235. “You get a [thing], and you get a [thing], everybody gets a
[thing]” à la Oprah’s car give away.
236. In other news, water is wet.
237. In other news...
238. “Meanwhile in [location]” + funny picture.
239. Can you not?
240. All the things
241. What in Gay Hell....?
242. Got the T-shirt.
243. Am I right?
244. I miss us.
245. Dumpster fire
246. _______ is cancelled.
247. Not the Onion.
248. Try the veal.
249. I’ll be here all week.
250. The new normal.
251. Caption Obvious
252. give a shout out too _____________
253. My family...me and my cat.
254. I’m single...I know you can’t believe that/shocker I know.
255. I did a DNA test and I’m __ percent ______
256. Roommate actually my parent
257. I have a particular set of skills.
258. People who eat ____ before they eat ___ are lunatics.
259. Who knew?
260. I did a thing.
261. [Hand gesture of shooting yourself with a gun]
262. True story.
263. I just got an HBO deal. Three months for $9.99
264. Punch [him or her] in the throat.
265. The sruggle is real.
266. Adulting
267. White people want to speak to the manager.
268. Describing a gig for a couple of consecutive nights as a
“residency.”
269. meh
270. Asking for a friend.
271. That was just a test.
272. I’m so broke.
273. That’s not how this works.
274. Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever ______?
275. I know, right? (ikr)
276. You’re welcome [after sharing something]
277. Go [do this thing]. I’ll wait.
278. [title] 2: Electric Boogaloo
279. Boom.
280. Dadbod
281. [Tap mic] Is this thing on?
282. At the end of the day ... comes the night.
283. ...but not on purpose.
284. Evidently [Walmarts/Home Depot/Olive Garden/etc.]
has a policy against that.
 285. Because I’m dead inside.
286. No pressure
287. My time is up / that’s the end of my time. (at the end of a
standup act)
288. OK boomer
289. Let’s give it up for _____.
290. Let’s not pull that thread.
291. Check and mate.
292. Word on the street is...
293. Not all heroes wear capes.
294. What’s your sign? (Hers was the middle finger.)
295. I know what you’re thinking [Insert self-deprecating
comment, or obvious look-alike]

Topics
296. The poor quality of airline food
297. White people do ______, black people do ______
298. Explaining the difference between men and women
299. White people doing white-people things (yoga class, kale
smoothies, etc.)
300. People of races other than Black using Ebonics to conjure
a different persona on stage.
301. Parodies of animal shelter videos with the Sarah
Mc:Lachlan song
302. Vegans/vegetarians
303. My ex-wife
304. Anything that’s been a meme
305. Making fun of Ringo
306. Comparing an obnoxious girlfriend to Yoko.

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