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Home is Where the Meltdowns Are:
How to Address After-School Restraint Collapse
by Dani Kinsley, M.S., OTR/L
“My son’s kindergarten teacher said he did great at
school today, but he completely lost it as soon as we got
home! He was practically bouncing off the walls, clinging
to me while I was trying to cook, and then he had a giant
meltdown at dinnertime. What gives?” If this scenario
sounds relatable, then I have some comforting news—
parents of the world, you are not alone!
Counselor Andrea Loewen Nair calls this phenomenon
“after-school restraint collapse,” but she’s quick to
point out that it’s not just an issue for grade-school kids.
Grown-ups who need to “blow off some steam” after
work, teenagers who shut down and refuse to answer
their parents’ questions at the end of a long day, and
preschoolers who immediately fall asleep in the car after
getting picked up from daycare may all be experiencing
this “collapse.” Let’s learn more about how to address it.
What is After-School
Restraint Collapse?
After-school restraint collapse (“ASRC”) happens
when an individual has reached his or her personal
capacity for dealing with stress, frustration, unfamiliar
situations, or the need to suppress natural behaviors.
For young children, the world is full of rules to follow,
and their brains are not yet developed enough to
automatically control their impulses.
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School can be particularly challenging: kids are
expected to sit quietly in their seats, avoid wiggling,
only eat and use the bathroom quickly and at
convenient or scheduled times, walk quietly in
straight lines, raise their hands and wait to speak, pay
attention, and learn a lot of new information every
day. Recess may be short or non-existent (especially
for older students), and lunch times can be rushed and
chaotic. There may be very few opportunities for free
play, socialization, movement, or child-led choices. The
demands of this level of structure can be challenging
for all kids, but it can especially affect the following
groups:
• Younger children: lack impulse
control and the ability to easily keep
their emotions “in check” (these skills
come with age, guided practice, and
experience)
• Children dealing with big
transitions: the start of a new
academic year or school; parents going
through a divorce; coping with grief,
loss, or family instability
• Those experiencing
burn-out: individuals who are
stressed from hectic schedules or classes
that are too challenging
• Children who are neurodivergent
(autism, ADHD) or highly sensitive (see
Handy Handout #661); those who have
learning disabilities or have issues with
sensory processing, anxiety, or emotional
regulation
• Kids or adolescents going through
growth spurts, developmental “leaps,”
or hormonal changes

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What are some signs of ASRC?
—Active behaviors:
• Having a tantrum or meltdown/neuro-
crash (see Handy Handout #668 for more
information)
• Refusing to participate in scheduled
activities, chores, or homework
• Appearing moody, irritable, clingy, or
whiny
—Passive behaviors:
• “Shutting down” or retreating to avoid
others
• Feeling extremely tired or falling asleep
• Zoning out
How to help:
• Meet basic needs: Kids who are
hungry, thirsty, hot/cold, tired, wearing
uncomfortable clothes, or not feeling well
are more likely to “lose it.” Provide an
afternoon snack, eat dinner earlier, or let
them change into a preferred outfit when
they get home from school. Make sure kids
are getting enough sleep at night by sticking
to a bedtime routine and making bedrooms
a “screen-free” zone.
• Decompression time: Plan for daily
relaxation or free time after school to give
kids a chance to unwind with the activities
of their choice. Some kids—especially
introverts—may need quiet alone time.
Others may want to play with siblings or
friends.
• Quality one-on-one time:
Sometimes, kids act out when what they
really need is connection and attention.
Set aside daily time to “unplug” and spend
one-on-one time together: play with them,
cook and eat dinner together, or wind down
together before bed by reading a story or
talking about the day’s highs and lows.
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• Routines: Establish and stick to a
predictable schedule when possible,
especially during the school week. Try not to
over-schedule kids with too many structured
after-school activities by building in time for
rest and free play.
• Get moving: Provide time for
unstructured, sensory, or gross motor (large
movement) play in the afternoons. Kids need
to move their bodies to release pent-up
energy.
• Go outside: Playing outside or exploring
nature often provides a calming and
regulating effect. See Handy Handouts #650
and 651 for more information.
• Statements v. questions: Some
kids become anxious and overwhelmed if
they are peppered with questions about
their day right after school. Instead, try
making statements that invite more
conversation if and when the child is ready.
You can try saying things like, “I know you
had music class today—maybe you can show
me what you learned on the drums later,” or,
“You worked so hard on that presentation
for ELA today. I hope it went well!”
• Offer structured and limited
choices: Providing choices gives kids a
sense of agency and independence, but
sometimes having too many options is
overwhelming. You can try limiting options
such as providing two healthy snacks to
choose from or asking your child if he’d
rather go to the playground or go for a
neighborhood walk at home.
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(page 3 of 3)

• Partner with and educate your

child: Teach your children to recognize • Recognize that home is their
what is going on with their emotions and safe zone: Part of the reason that some
energy levels. This increases self-awareness kids often hold it together all day and then
and interoception, or the ability to sense “lose it” once they get home is because
and understand what is happening inside home ideally represents safety and is a place
our bodies. You can do things like point out, where they can just let it all out. Children
“I can tell you’re getting frustrated because need to know that they will still be safe and
you’re tired and hungry. Should we take a will receive unconditional love, even if their
break and have a snack?” Also, work with external behaviors are not ideal.
your child to come up with strategies for • Stay calm: It’s not uncommon for
how to unwind after school during a time parents to be triggered by their child’s
when he or she is well-rested and focused. seemingly irrational behavior, but it’s
Finally, help neurodivergent kids build self- important to avoid joining your child’s
confidence and avoid masking, which can chaos. Promote coregulation by modeling
cause additional stress and tension to build calming strategies and providing comfort
up throughout the day (see Handy Handouts measures for your child. Try to stay in
#658 and 659 for more information). close proximity to your child as he or she
works through their feelings so that they
Can’t stop the meltdown? don’t feel abandoned and ashamed. You
Coregulate! can provide non-verbal comfort such as
a hug if the child likes physical touch.
Just know that sometimes you won’t be able to stop Model appropriate behaviors like taking
ASRC before it results in a meltdown. Remember that deep breaths or doing physical exercise
self-regulation, impulse control, and learning to respond to “blow off steam” when you’re starting
appropriately to big emotions are all learned skills that to get frustrated and angry. Learn to
come with guided practice and age/brain development. recognize your own triggers and know
when you might need to step away if your
child continues to escalate in a way that is
becoming dangerous for either of you.
• Don’t take it personally:
Remember that your child is probably not
trying to cause you any stress. For example,
you can reframe the thought, “She’s really
giving me a hard time,” to something more
like, “She’s really having a hard time.”
• Wait to talk it out: Don’t try to
have big discussions or rationalize with kids
when they are in the middle of a “collapse.”
Wait until they are calm, regulated, rested,
and well-fed to discuss what happened and
strategies for preventing future meltdowns.

Resources:
Big Little Feelings. Facebook. September 6, 2023. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=599875445647201&set=a.553674070267339&type=3&mibextid=WiMSqg.
Fabian-Weber, Nicole. “After-School Restraint Collapse: Why Kids Fall Apart at Home and What to Do About It.” Care.com. August 25, 2023.
https://www.care.com/c/after-school-restraint-collapse-why-kids-fall-apart/.
The Occuplaytional Therapist. “Questions Aren’t Connections.” Facebook. September 6, 2023. https://www.facebook.com/photo.
php?fbid=623590836600602&set=a.423429526616735&type=3&mibextid=WiMSqg.

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