Professional Documents
Culture Documents
4 Rules For Mediated Romance A Digital Exploration 2021
4 Rules For Mediated Romance A Digital Exploration 2021
4 Rules For Mediated Romance A Digital Exploration 2021
Framed by expectancy violation theory, this study used joint interviews to explore why couples
create communication rules for their technology use and what happens if the expectation is vio-
lated. Participants’ (n ¼ 36) narratives were analyzed through four coding cycles: in vivo, initial,
value, and focused coding. Interviews with romantic couples resulted in three themes: rules are
performative, rules reduce conflict, and rules guide modality weaving. During an expectation vio-
lation, findings revealed that the magnitude of the violation is first determined by the violator
defending their behavior. Then, based on the appraisal process, the couple reframes the rule to
better work for their future interactions. Key findings conclude that rules are not rigid; they are
fluid and develop naturally over time. This research adds to the literature about how mediated
communication transforms the dynamics of romantic relationships as couples explicitly and im-
plicitly create communication rules to help maintain their partnership.
Lay Summary
This qualitative investigation examines how couples create and negotiate their communication
rules for technology use. Through interviews with 18 couples in committed romantic relation-
ships, this study found that communication rules serve three central purposes: (a) rules become
part of the couple’s relational performance. (b) Rules offer a strategy for conflict management. (c)
Rules help navigate modality weaving as couples explore how to best incorporate technology into
their daily interactions. Additionally, when one member breaks an established communication
rule, the couple often reframes the rule to better work for their future interactions. This study dis-
covered that communication rules come and go as the individuals in the relationship change and
evolve their communication practices. Individuals are constantly navigating social norms, and
this requires negotiation. Mobile technologies make the rules process tangible and remind us that
communication rules are flexible, contextual, and help couples reduce conflict.
Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication 00 (2022) 1–26 V C The Author(s) 2022. Published by Oxford University Press 1
on behalf of International Communication Association. This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons
Attribution License (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/), which permits unrestricted reuse, distribution, and reproduction in any
medium, provided the original work is properly cited.
Communication Rules J. Foster Campbell
https://doi.org/10.1093/jcmc/zmac007
It is now commonplace for committed romantic partners to navigate their relational communica-
tion through a mediated world. Many couples communicate with each other during the day
romantic partners’ use of communication rules and how the pair negotiates perceived expectation
violations as they consider technology’s place in their relationship.
in certain situations to maintain a positive status within their relationship and to mitigate potential
conflict. Lastly, communicator reward value is conceptualized as the total positive and negative attrib-
utes (e.g., relational satisfaction, partner knowledge, perceived similarity, and the type of feedback
they have received in the past) plus the potential for positive or negative actions in the future
(Burgoon, 1978, 2015). The reward value an individual assigns to their conversational partner will af-
fect their expectations for that person and how they will judge a violation (Burgoon, 1978, 2015;
Johnson et al., 2019; Miller-Ott & Kelly, 2015).
Pe~na, 2010; McEwan & Horn, 2016; Pettigrew, 2009) and it can be a useful administrative tool (e.g.,
used for reminders, arranging travel details, coordinating social plans, etc.; Harrison et al., 2015;
Hertlein & Chan, 2020; McEwan & Horn, 2016; Murray & Campbell, 2015).
Furthermore, text messages increasingly include photographs, emojis, and other graphics that
may heighten interpersonal connection and add to a couple’s relational satisfaction (Caughlin &
Sharabi, 2013; Duran et al., 2011; Hampton et al., 2017; McEwan & Horn, 2016; Pettigrew, 2009).
Pettigrew (2009) discovered that over 50% of messages sent through mobile phones served primarily
to maintain the relationship and promote feelings of connectedness between the pair. Pettigrew’s par-
to the social findings of EVT in two primary ways. First, by uncovering how couples negotiate their
expectations for mediated communication. Second, by exploring how norm violations may impact
the communication rules couples deem essential for their relationship. So, to add to this existing
scholarship, the following research questions are advanced:
RQ1: What types of rules (explicit or implicit) do couples develop for their mediated
communication?
RQ2: Why do couples create communication rules for their technology use?
Methods
Semi-Structured Interviews
The goal of the semi-structured joint interview was to encourage the couple to tell stories about their
use of technology in their relationship and discuss how they negotiate their expectations for mediated
communication. Sample interview questions included: (Q1) What expectations, if any, do you and
your partner have about your use of technology in your relationship? (Q2) Are there specific topics
you cannot discuss over digital communication channels? (Q3) Can you tell me a story about a time
your digital communication made you feel more connected (or supported) in your relationship?
Additionally, the interview guide included probe questions after each initial question to inquire about
the different aspects of the discussion. Sample probe questions included: (Probe Q1) Can you tell me
a story about how you expect to use technology (e.g., smartphone devices, computers, social media
platforms, text messaging, etc.) when you are both physically together? Can you give me an example
of how you expect to communicate through technology when you are apart? How have these expecta-
tions evolved as your relationship developed? (Probe Q2) How do these expectations of ‘off limit’
Data Analysis
Audio recordings from the joint interviews were transcribed with Otter.ai after each interview. Then
transcripts were imported into MAXQDA, a qualitative software program, for coding and analysis.
Data analysis included four steps. The first step involved repeatedly reading each interview transcript
and creating codes from the participant’s words (In vivo Coding; Salda~ na, 2013). After each interview
transcript was imported into MAXQDA, the author reviewed each transcript and applied in vivo cod-
ing to create initial categories in the data. In vivo coding was used as a descriptive form of coding to
become familiar with each participant’s language and perspectives about their digital communication
practices.
Second, the author used initial coding to start thinking about the data from a higher theoretical
perspective (Salda~ na, 2013). During this second phase, initial codes were divided into distinct parts
derived from a larger interpretation of participants’ narratives and closely examined based on past in-
terpersonal scholarship. The author used MAXQDA to organize the data and create thematic folders
to store interview segments and field notes. This process enabled the author to begin to reflect on the
nuances of the data by breaking the data down into distinct categories based on similarities and differ-
ences (Salda~ na, 2013).
Third, the author utilized value coding to reflect on participants’ beliefs and attitudes surrounding
their digital communication practices (Salda~ na, 2013). During this analysis stage, the author relied on
MAXQDA to help develop a thematic, conceptual, and theoretical organization of the first cycle codes
(Salda~na, 2013). Finally, the author adopted focused coding to “search for the most frequent and sig-
nificant initial codes” (Salda~ na, 2013, p. 155). During this data analysis stage, the author used
MAXQDA to create boundaries around the coded segments, which helped label and categorize final
thematic codes. This second-level coding method provided the major themes for this study and
revealed data that “crystallized participant’s experiences” (Charmaz, 2006, p. 54).
Lastly, the author used respondent validation to increase the rigor of this qualitative investigation
and add to the validity of this study (Birt et al., 2016); specifically, each participant was individually e-
mailed copies of their final interview transcript as a form of member-checking. The author asked each
respondent to check and confirm the accuracy of their accounts to ensure the interview data used for
coding resonated with the participant’s relational experiences and opinions—a procedure frequently
adopted in previous research to combat potential researcher bias (see Birt et al., 2016; Carlson, 2010;
Maxwell, 1992). Member checking occurred after all interview data were collected and transcribed,
and initial themes emerged (a procedure similar to Carlson, 2010). In the end, the author’s interpreta-
Results
The purpose of this study was to understand how couples create and negotiate their communication
rules for technology use. Interviews with 18 couples revealed that all dyads identified rules that evolve
through direct communication (i.e., explicit rules) and observations of each other’s communication
styles (i.e., implicit rules). Thus, the first contribution of this research is an explication of explicit and
implicit rules when it comes to mediated communication.
communication. It appears that this explicit dialogue helps maintain the relationship day-to-day but
is also never finished.
The participants in this study who are in LDRs compared to geographically close partnerships
discuss technology’s role in their relationship differently since long-distance couples have less oppor-
tunity for in-person interaction; technology plays a more prominent role in their everyday communi-
cation. As a result, LDR couples rely more heavily on technology to perform their relational actions.
Therefore, they appeared to discuss the creation of explicit communication rules more often than
other participants who live nearby (or with) their romantic partner.
Justin: Yeah I don’t think so. Part of that is because it’s rude, you don’t want to do
that but I try and keep . . . I try to minimize how much I use my phone when
we’re together
Katherine: Right, we try to minimize being elsewhere because I feel like we . . .. It’s just
like a boundary I have personally and I think Justin too
Justin: Yeah, it’s a general thing like if I’m out with friends I would try not to have
my phone out, it’s just rude.
Katherine: Exactly, so I guess that is a rule. But we haven’t had to say anything about it
Grace: Yeah, so that is now a rule ((laughs)) for the time being. It seems silly, but it
has stopped the miscommunication and annoyed feelings, for the most part
((laughs))
This example demonstrates what is common for many couples interviewed for this study. Due to
feeling annoyed or frustrated by a pre-established behavior, the couple creates an explicit rule to miti-
gate potential conflict in the future. Based on the findings for RQ1, it appears that explicit rules are
circumstantial. However, if explicit rules are violated (as demonstrated in the analysis of RQ3), indi-
viduals reframe the rule to better fit the couple’s dynamics at that moment. In the end, valence judg-
Justin: Right, and now I have my own bitmoji character in this thing I didn’t even
know existed before
Katherine: ((laughing)) and it looks just like you.
For Couple # 1 and Couple # 11, a bitmoji is now part of their expectations for their text message
content because of an explicit conversation around this practice. When placed into their text-based
communication, it becomes a performance of humor and relational connection.
Similarly, part of relational performance surrounding technology use speaks to the idea of an
always-available culture created by mobile devices. Previous research discovered a culturally driven
Charles: When we get home we’re both always on our phones, we’re bad about it, there
has been a couple nights where we’re like ‘alright we are taking both of our
phones and putting them upstairs’ because we’re just constantly, one of us is
doing it and the other one just gets on.
Jennifer: Right, so now we have a rule that after the kids go to bed the phones stay
upstairs.
On the other hand, many couples also implicitly mentioned expectations surrounding mindless
technology practices. For instance, Daniel and Mia (Couple # 10) demonstrate the implicit nature of
that this is a rule they created based on past conversations about digital communication practices and
how to navigate a multi-modal relationship. For instance, Couple # 14 defines ‘real conversations’ in
the transcript below:
Melissa: One rule we set up is if it’s a real conversation then it needs to be had in-per-
son to some extent.
Interviewer What do you mean by “real conversation”?
George: Like if it has any bearing on us actually as a couple we need to have that in-
person because I just won’t be able, I will end up being short and I just won’t
throughout different channels. In other words, each platform (e.g., text message, e-mail, instant mes-
sage, social media posts, etc.) comes with different motivations for exchanging messages, and partners
weave together a multitude of communication channels to support their various relational functions.
Particularly, modality weaving is common and provides an accurate understanding of the multi-
layered dialogue couples engage in throughout their relationship.
Results revealed that dyads create implicit rules about moving from one channel to another. For
instance, Couple # 16 uses text messages in the morning to send a “good morning” text, and then
they move on to Snapchat to share videos and images from their day. Finally, they coordinate when
conflict escalation, adjusting to partner preferences, managing emotions, or even clearing up a misun-
derstanding. For example, Penelope (Couple # 4) states:
Penelope: Even if we started arguing over text and one of us feels like it’s escalating or the
other person is completely misreading the tone then we will just be like ‘can we
talk about this over the phone?’
Sometimes text-based methods do not provide the same clarity as a voice-based message.
However, for other couples, modality weaving is less about the specific topic that requires a change in
Edward: But now you follow me on Find Friends so I don’t need to text
Marie: That’s true, but that’s a recent thing.
Edward: Right, yeah. . . I’m sorry I make you worry babe
Marie: You could be dead on the side of the road for all I know ((laughs))
Edward: If I was I wouldn’t be able to text anyway ((laughs))
Marie: Well that’s dark
Edward: You love me
Marie: I do ((laughs))
Charlotte: He wasn’t very good about responding or anything, so I now expect a two-
hour wait once I send him a text message
Brandon: Yeah ((laughs))
Charlotte: It’s like I better get one in now because I’ll be waiting all night to hear from
you ((laughs))
Brandon: Yeah, but I feel like I’ve definitely gotten quite a bit better at it ((laughs)) I
mean I get to work and I put my phone down so it’s like I disappear for a cou-
ple hours at a time and then I’m like oh shit I haven’t had my phone on me
apart for a person to just understand, I mean I know he doesn’t like it but he
kind of gets the idea that I have a deadline and I’m just not in the mind space
to talk to him.
The participant reflects on a time when she had to break an explicit rule she and Samuel created
when they started their LDR. Contrary to what EVT proposes, this violation is not viewed negatively
and does not cause conflict in their relationship because Samuel “understands” the shifting nature of
their communication rules. Upon examining mediated communication through the lens of EVT, con-
text and an individual’s reason for technology use are significant predictors of the expectations cou-
Discussion
To review, the purpose of this study was to explore why couples create communication rules for their tech-
nology use and what happens if the expectation is violated. First, key findings reveal that communication
rules serve three central purposes: (a) rules become part of the couple’s relational performance. (b) Rules
offer a strategy for conflict management. (c) Rules help navigate modality weaving as couples explore how
to best incorporate technology into their daily interactions. Second, this study concludes that when expect-
ations are not met, the magnitude of the violation is first determined by the violator defending their be-
havior. Then, couples either move on from the violation, and the defender claims they will avoid violating
that behavior again in the future, or the couple reframes the rule to better work for their future interac-
tions; thus, concluding that communication rules are fluid and change with the relationship. Finally, this
study found that although couples create explicit rules surrounding their technology use, many of them
rely more heavily on implicit rules to help navigate their multi-modal relationship. This discovery is simi-
lar to past research that determined implicit rules were the predominant way expectations were con-
structed in close relationships (Hertlein & Twist, 2019; Pickens & Whiting, 2020).
Ultimately, two fundamental results surfaced when coding for an explicit mention of communica-
tion rules. First, it was hard for couples to identify specific rules or expectations for digital communi-
cation in their relationships. Since it takes communication to uncover relational expectations, it is
unusual for individuals to reflect on their communicative behaviors, which is why the couples inter-
viewed mentioned more implicit rules. Shimanoff (1980) explains that people often do not notice that
communication rules have been established in their relationships until one is violated. Breaking a rule
draws attention to the fact that there was a previously held expectation. Second, couples in a LDR had
the most frequent examples of explicit communication rules during their interviews. Burgoon (2015)
argues that dyads constantly renegotiate their relational expectations, especially during shifting rela-
tional milestones (i.e., beginning a LDR when the couple is used to living in the same location); there-
fore, this study adds to this finding from previous research.
Furthermore, this study declares that implicit rules are recognized as invisible forms of expecta-
tions that evolve during relationships. Even if the individual does not call them “rules,” all couples dis-
cussed expectations that were created implicitly (i.e., through observed personal behavior and general
social norms). Overall, communication rules come and go as individuals evolve their unique commu-
nication practices and the couple shifts through different relational milestones. Sometimes implicit
rules are never acknowledged in the relationship and simply reflect an individual’s unique communi-
cation preferences or underlying wishes for using technology in their romantic relationship. Other
times an implicit rule may morph into an explicit rule when asked about it from a third party. This
discussion forces the couple to reflect on their communication practices and why they may prioritize
certain expected behaviors over others.
The findings from this study build upon the theoretical contribution of EVT by further expanding
the framework outside the field of nonverbal communication and into the study of mediated commu-
nication. Also, this study’s theoretical contribution adds to the literature about people’s response to
unexpected violations of communication rules when it comes to their mediated practices. The idea of
modality weaving present in contemporary relational communication, along with the fluidity of com-
Future Research
To continue and expand the social findings of EVT, future researchers should consider exploring violations
in more detail to better understand why some rules cause negative violations while others do not. Perhaps
questions for future investigations should be: What predicts the weight of a rule violation (in other words, if
it will cause conflict or be ignored)? When does the severity of the violation lead to more considerable rela-
tional consequences? How do individuals negotiate communication rules in ways that support their partner
and the health of their relationship while also honoring their expectations in the process?
Additional research is also needed to investigate how the creation of communication rules, and
potential violation of these relational expectations, impact feelings of relational closeness and rela-
tional satisfaction. Incorporating a longitudinal study design can help uncover the impact of expecta-
tion violations on the communication reward value, which can provide a more nuanced
understanding of EVT in romantic relationships, further exposing how violation valence may influ-
ence relational closeness and satisfaction over time. Likewise, a longitudinal research design is also
necessary to fully capture the potential effects of modality weaving for relational partners. Finally,
Hertlein and Twist (2019) explain that relational roles relate to the structure of the relationship and
power dynamics that emerge, all of which influence current and future behaviors. Therefore, future
investigations can continue to bridge the study of relational communication with media studies by ex-
ploring how relationship roles influence the creation and negotiation of communication rules sur-
rounding technology use in romantic relationships.
To end, this study adds to the scholarship that communication rules come and go as the individu-
als in the relationship change and evolve their communication practices. Individuals are constantly
navigating social norms, and this requires negotiation. Rules are not rigid; they are fluid and develop
naturally over time, just like close relationships. The rules co-constructed by the dyad appear in the
everyday situations they experience throughout their courtship. Mobile technologies make the rules
process tangible and remind us that explicit and implicit rules are flexible, contextual, and help cou-
ples reduce conflict.
Data Availability
The data underlying this article are available in the article as participant quotes. The rest of the data
(e.g., full transcripts) are not publicly available due to their containing information that could com-
promise the privacy of research participants.
Funding
Conflict of Interest
The author has no conflicts of interest to declare.
Note
1. Throughout this article, couple numbers and pseudonyms are used to maintain the confidential-
ity of the participants; these correspond to demographic information presented in the Appendix.
References
Adams, J. M., & Jones, W. H. (1997). The conceptualization of marital commitment: An integrative
analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(5), 1177–1196. https://doi.org/10.1037/
0022-3514.72.5.1177
Baxter, L. A., Dun, T., & Sahlstein, E. (2001). Rules for relating communicated among social network
members. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(2), 173–199. https://doi.org/10.1177/
0265407501182002
Bevan, J. L., Ang, P., & Fearns, J. B. (2014). Being unfriended on Facebook: An application of expec-
tancy violation theory. Computers in Human Behavior, 33, 171–178. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.
2014.01.029
Billedo, C. J., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). The use of social networking sites for relationship
maintenance in long-distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Cyberpsychology,
Behavior, and Social Networking, 18(3), 152–157. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0469
Birt, L., Scott, S., Cavers, D., Campbell, C., & Walter, F. (2016). Member checking: A tool to enhance
trustworthiness or merely a nod to validation? Qualitative Health Research, 26(13), 1802–1811.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732316654870
Bryant, E. M., & Marmo, J. (2012). The rules of Facebook friendship: A two-stage examination of inter-
action rules in close, casual, and acquaintance friendships. Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 29(8), 1013–1035. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512443616
Burgoon, J. K. (1978). A communication model of personal space violations: Explication and an initial
test. Human Communication Research, 4(2), 130–131. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1978.
tb00603.x
Burgoon, J. K. (2015). Expectancy violations theory. In C. R. Berger & M. E. Roloff (Eds.), The
International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication (pp. 1–9). John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic102
Burgoon, J. K., & Hale, J. L. (1988). Nonverbal expectancy violations: Model elaboration and applica-
tion to immediacy behaviors. Communications Monographs, 55(1), 58–79. https://doi.org/10.1080/
03637758809376158
Burgoon, J. K., & Jones, S. B. (1976). Toward a theory of personal space expectations and their viola-
tions. Human Communication Research, 2(2), 131–146. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1976.
tb00706.x
Carlson, J. A. (2010). Avoiding traps in member checking. The Qualitative Report, 15, 1102–1113.
https://doi.org/10.46743/2160-3715/2010.1332
Jin, B., & Pe~na, J. F. (2010). Mobile communication in romantic relationships: Mobile phone use, rela-
tional uncertainty, love, commitment, and attachment style. Communication Reports, 23(1), 39–51.
https://doi.org/10.1080/08934211003598742
Johnson, T. J., Kaiser, M. Y., & Swan, A. B. (2019). Social and cognitive effects of smartphone use in
face-to-face verbal interactions. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 24(4), 265–273. https://
doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.JN24.4.265
Katz, J. E., & Aakhus, M. (2002). Conclusion: Meaning making of mobiles - A theory of Apparatgeist. In J.
E. Katz & M. Aakhus (Eds.), Perpetual contact: Mobile communication, private talk, public performance
Pettegrew, L. S., & Day, C. (2015). Smart phones and mediated relationships: The changing face of rela-
tional communication. Review of Communication, 15(2), 122–139. https://doi.org/10.1080/
15358593.2015.1044018
Pettigrew, J. (2009). Text messaging and connectedness within close interpersonal relationships.
Marriage and Family Review, 45(6–8), 697–716. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494920903224269
Pickens, J. C., & Whiting, J. B. (2020). Tech talk: Analyzing the negotiations and rules around technol-
ogy use in intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 42, 175–189. https://doi.org/10.
1007/s10591-019-09522-9
Appendix
Participant Demographics