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    One Man, Two Guvnors

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    One Man, Two Guvnors

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    One Man, Two Guvnors

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    ERIC TVB

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    Characters (CHARLIE ‘CHARLIE THE DUCK’ CLENCHL 50s, Brighton based but originally Landon (Pantone) PAULINE CLENCHL his daughter, Brighton (Clarice) 1605, crooked solicitor, Rowingdean / tes to be ‘posh Brighton (Lombard) Partner in Dangle, Berry ancl Bush solicitors, ALAN the son of Dangle Silvio) pou 40s, an employee of Clench, Brighton (Smeraldin) LLOYD nOATENG 50s, aiid to Clench, Jamaican (Beighela) PRaNCH (Trutfaldino) RACHEL CRAMBE, ‘mid 20s, London (Beatrice Rasponi It Maser) STANLEY STUBMERS ‘mid. 20s, Hone counties, privately educated (Florindo Aretus; 2nd Master) ‘Woiters/Porters as required Notes on test ‘Pm not using continental scene changes, le: the scene doesn't change on the cnteance of new character rather scene changes are restricted to ie and location changes Act 1 SCENE Asthe iene take theses these and pls Light down. 1963, “April mid-moring A rom in CHARLIR' hose in Brighton A famed ‘hots of Queen Blcaeth I at coranation apstage. CHARLIE, HARRY DANGLE, ALAN DANGLE, PAULINE, LLOYD, DOLLY and che finds and ful. Hardly anything romans fom a buf of typically English (arly food. Maybe ove lone chee and pineapple oma tick, and sone pears A party can of bec. Avery lively and ol withthe obi ‘and plying, auger, drinks, dancing. Thesong fins, PAULINE nd ALAN his, The tos ‘Pon & Alan” CHARLIE tap a elt for que. DOLLY: Come on Charlie! Give us aspoech! Lo wb: Speech! (CHARI: don't like public speaking, Prather jump out of an aeroplane. Loy: Go on then! (CHARLIE: ve only ever spoken three times, formally, in publi, in my life, and each time I've been banged up by tha judge steaight afterwards I done me best bringing up Pauline, on me own, alter her muvver... (Ck). sorry. LLOYD: doin? well Charlie, (CHARLLE:— Ive had ( be her dad and her mum after her smuvver.. (Chokes) PAULINE: ~ Its alright da. (CHARLIE: after her muvver left me and weet olive i ‘Spain. I's disappointment that Jean can't be herein Brighton at her daughter’ engagement party, and shame she can't even afford a stamp fra card neither, Bu Pa not yonna go on about i. Pd ike to thank Alan's father, ny solicitor, where ise?! FICHARD BEAN DANGLE: (Coming forward.) Fee home! (CHARLIE:No Latin! Please! Ihave enough clifclty ‘understanding you when you'e speaking English, But, seriously, wivout Hay, I would’ be here today, I'l be bei bars, where let's face iby rights, oughta be. Overt you Alan COTARLAE stop back. Applanse fr CHARLIE. ALAN kad, with fosrish Defoe PAULINE. DoULY: Cob! (Aside) He wants to be an set. ALAN: Pauline, ive you my hand. (AW holst on spurned, csc, cupped hand towards AUNANE) Captive ‘within my hand, ia bird, This ied is my heart. PAULINE: (25 DOLLY, Is ita eal bird? DOLLY: No, Ws a metaphor PAUTANE: (Excited)! Lovely! ALAN: Lofler you the whole af my ile, as your husband, DOLLY: (Aus) Ooh! Loud do with bit ofthis mysele Knowbatimean {AALNE opens His hand and takes ot the imaginary bid, and press a her eat PAULINE: Iaccept your bid heart thing, and I promise to look alter properly (W190 Amel, and offs her hard ts ALAN) T gota bird in my hand all (CHARLIE: ~ Thats two bids now, Pm gonna have to gin & bx of il PAULINE: ~ This bid is my heat, the only one Ive ever had ALAN mimes taking the Bird anal press it toh hsb cage nto fis heart. Dey ks passionately. Slee, A bit embartessng 15 broken bythe pop of champagne cr DANGLE: May | propose a toast." love! In Latin ~ [ONE MIAN, TWO GUVNORS (CHARLIE: — Oh no! DANG: Ars amandl PAULINE: No! Pauline, ALAN: (To PAULINE.) ‘Ars amandi, PAULINE: T don’ understand, he act of ove ALAN: (Aside) This why Llove her. She fs pure, innocent, unspailed by education, like a new bucket LLOYD: "To lovet ALL To love! Thay tat, The door al rings (CHARLIE: Dolly, get the door DOLLY: Bookkeeper? Or butler? Make your mind wp. (CHARLIE: And if t's carol singers tell them to pies off. Is only ‘Apri DOLLY ext LOYD: You're Charlie's solicitor then? They sha has DANGLE: Harry Dangle, Dangle, Berry and Bush, My card LLOYD: (Reading) No win, same fee? DANGLE That’ 110YD: Charlie tells me you're bilan! DANGLE: Patit dis way, I got the Ma Man off Are you family Loyd? LLOYD: No, no! An old ilend, Me and Charkie go way back. (sie, Parks PAULINE: Dad! Me and Alan, we're gonna go upto my’ oom, to play some records RICHARD BEAN (CHARLIE: Do Tlook lke I just came down in the lst shower? No! Mingle! ‘LOYD tales CHARLIB tone side Gets ou iitaton, LOYD: Man! What's yoing on! Last week I gets this invitation ‘oa hengagement party ~ CCHARLAT:~ put chat avay LLOYD: of Pauline Cench and Roscoe Crabbe, which was a shock because [always thought Roscoe was ginger (CHARLIE: He was ginger! He was as queer asa whisky and abycham. That was the whole point, it was a gonna be a ‘marriage of convenience want, LioyD: But today ana ‘different groom man! (CHARL: Because Roscoe's dead, Pauline and this Alan wanted 10 get engaged, so I thought ~ LLOYD: Ive patd fr de sansage rolls why waste them? ‘CHARLIE: Exactly! Eater DOLLY, looking serio. DOLL: Some geezer from Londou, Says he's Roscoe Crabbe's minder, LOYD: Cantbe much ofa minder, Roscoe's dead (CHARLE: Is he a fe? Does he look handy? DOLL To be honest, he looks abit overweight (CHARLIE: Check him out Lloyd, se if he's tooled wp, LOYD: Charli, I don’t work for you no more. DOLLY: Leave it to me, boys, (DOLLY ete) DANGLE: More guests? (CHARLIE: Roscoe Crabbe’ minder DANGLE: But Twas led to understand there was a kaif ight and Roscoe Crabbe was mortally wounded? (ONE MAN, TH GUVNORS (CHARLAL: Not He was killed Lovb: The Old Bil are looking for his twin sister, Rachel, and her boyfriend. DANGLE: Because? LovD; Revenge! The boyfilend testified against Rascoe in court, Put hum away forfour yeas, Man! I's obvious, who 's Roseoe going to get into a fight with om his ist day of feeedom? CCHARLIF: (Beet. DANGLE, emcee) Rachels boyfriend Eater DOLLY. DOLLY: He's lea, Shall et hi in? (CHARLIE: Nod) Yeah. (Ext DOLLY.) What ean Ido? LLovb: She's a smashing gil Rachel! Notin’ ike that vicious ile toeray of a brother! (CHARLIE: think Roscoe was a bt whatsaname~ you know, ‘what's that word for someone who likes inflicting pain? Lovo: Paice officer. (CHARLIE: Not ANGLE: Sadist, CHARLIE: That's Roseoe, ‘LLOYD; Unusual fr twins to have such diferent personalities. ‘CHARLIE: (fs DANGLE) They was dential ewin, you see, Roscoe and Rachel, LOYD: Roscoe was a boy, and Rachels agi! (CHARLIE: Sa? ANGLE: Identical means identi (CHARLIE: What I want to know isi Roscoe's ead, what's is minder doing on my doorstep RICHARD BEAN Enter DOLLY, Fllawel by PRANGIS. FRANCIS sited end boted, thesis totter, Terao fet NCHS owgh, FRANCIS aks the rom asf king fr hidden dangers Hela th ole ef man nin. Evry ee ssl fics ner, sadn fora ue fom CHARLIE, SANCIS soe ender the ice ofthe Quan, Ponts ti, FRANCIS: Who's dha? PAULINE: That’ the Queen. FRANCIS; What a beautiful woman, Someone should waite a song about her, ‘RANCIS pick peat fom a boul om the side and tre tin ‘the ai, cathe i in hs mou PAULINE: This is my engugement party RANCIS: Yur engagement party. Phew! (DOLLY) Phew cause Pr glad tan eyes yours —"besuifa DOLLY: Thank you. RANCIS: Don't ever wear gases Even ifyou need to, you now, for reading. POLLY; (Aside) Uknow exactly what he's ater, and i he ‘atries om lke this he's gonna gett. (RANG rcs a ‘sed anal and cats that toe. Ts FRANCIS) What bout lasses for diving? FRANCIS: Are you one of them women's ibbery? DOLLY: Would that bea problem? FRANCIS. ke a woman who ean drive, That way Ian go out have a skinfl, and get home without ing anyone ‘Are you marved toe DOLLY: Pm single, Ym the bookkeeper here, FRANCIS So you're a singe, working diving, bookkerping ‘woman. Thg’s my type. Do you want o go 10 Majores io: ‘couple of weeks? Think about it. (RAN thous iti 16 (ONE Mai TWO GUVNORS catch it Past nth air whic freshen Backcards to. ‘He its the sofa, yes over with i, ads wp the other side) Gorit DOLLY: (Aside) ike this geezer. But he can't el his arse from ‘Bank Holiday. “He shows the peanut om his tongue. He picks up a cere and ‘pineapple on sick FRANCIS: (He apprades LL0YD,) Aleght mas?! Do you ike blues music? Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson. Leadbelly? LLo¥D:No. FRANCIS: Oh. That a shame. I do, What kind of music do youtike? LLOYD: Calypso, FRANCIS: Oh deat! Dear oh deat. Ica’ stand Calypuo. ‘RANcts offs his hand ob shake, LLOYD shes, ut No hard feelings man, I want you to know, Pm on ‘your side, inthe strug. Despite your disappointing taste DANGLE: (fe CiUARL18,) This man isa clown, RANG tras om BANGLE grabbing his Balls la Vine Joes. FRANCIS: Everybody atthe irs lve the clowns So, when yu say “ths man i clown’, what you're realy saying is'T love you’. Are you Chali the Duck? DANGLE: No, FRANCIS: No? DANGLE: No. HeADCLS lets all he sle playing dep, and bcomes low sates palit. FRANCIS: Oh shit, have T got the wrong house? The invitation — Gets his tation out RHARO BA (CHARLIE:— Pm Chace che Duck FRANCIS: Right. Ok. You don't look lke a duck, CHARLIE: I kaow who you are. You're Roscoe Crabbe’s sine. FRANCIS: am. And Thave an iavitation his engagement ary. This panty ‘CHARLIE: Rosco's dead FRANCIS: Roscoe's dea, wits that siting outside inthe ‘motor listening wo the Shipping Forecast? PAULINE rahe othe windows PAULINE: Oh my God! Not (CHARLIE: He's risen from the dead has he? FRANCIS Yeah, Ion ook him twa days. Thats one day ‘ducer than the previous ork record Sut Can he come n?To his own engagement pasty? (CHARLIE: I guess, FRANCIS:T go aud got hi, ‘FRANCES exis, witha sink to DOLLY. Vite ar nw vase. PAULINE: Dad! No! Don't lt his in! Tove Alan, I don't love Roscoe, I never di, (CHARLIE: You was perfectly happy with Reseoe six months back. DANGLE: He's missed the boat CHARLIE: Roseoe Crabbe can bea late ashe likes. And we have an arrangement. ALAN: An arranged marsiage worthy ofa Mali farce, ntemplible even in the seventeenth century, PAULINE: You, dad, this the nineteenth century nom! (CHARLIE: Yeahgivll, what do you offer my daughter Alan? ‘tama Be an actor, You can't get more Dakey! 8 (ONE tat, TWO GUVNORS ALAN: All offer is love! My love for your daughter eclipses ‘poetry. My loves ethereal, pure ~ ike. hike the kind of "water you're supposed to putin a car battery. ‘CHARLIE: T'm glad you like her Biter RACHEL, fillowed by MANCIS. RACHEL i desl as @ fashionable eg man, loking ol unlike a shert Ringe Sar. RACHEL: Long ime no see, Chase, ‘hay shake hands (CHARI: Yeab, You look well Roscoe. Al things considered, ‘Thisis Lloyd, good fiend of mine, Dolly, my bookkeeper, sy solicitor, Harry Dangle, he's good. RACHEL: Are you the guy who got dhe Mau Mau off? DANGLE: Ie wasn't easy (CHARLIE:~ and, “course, you remember Pauline, RACH: You Look fantastic Pauline. (ALA wks in fot of her, ‘lacing himself etc her end RACHEL) Who are you? ALAN: Whole nations will be sain before you take my love from me. RACHEL: (16 CHARLIE) Why's he talking ike an actor? DOLLY: He wants to be a actor RACHEL: Oh atight. Who are you then? ALAN: Lam your nemesis, RACHEL: Francis! What's nemesis? FRANCIS: Dunno. Definitely foreign. 1 think might be a Citroen, RACHEL: (RACHEL gous we to CHARLIE, toes him dowonstag,) What’ going on Chase? (CHARLIE: We thought you was dead, HARD BEAN RACHEL: I you thought Iwas dead, why would you go ahead with my engagement panty? (CHARLIE; You know, P' already pa na Pd already paid forthe sausage rolls RACHEL: -IF YOU THOUGHT 1 WAS DEADI? (CHARLIE: whem I done the dea wih you faher, God reve ‘stn five yeas ago, we dit know you ws gouna £9 down for along reich did we? While you'e doing boridge Pauline’ met someone ele, * RACHEL (dicating ALAN) Horror bollocks, over there? ‘CHARA; Yeah, ACHE appnsaces ALAN. ACHE, So, let's have another go. Whats your name? ALAN: Alan, "RANCIS: (Hoving font) The Grek godess of revenge -RANGIS pats the bn ack onthe sho. RACHEL: Ihave a pei prior arrangement with Charlie and Pauline, Alan. 1's not love, no, it cat be love. This goon for yo Ala cae he cl grantees line complete freedom in alairsof the ae omy ‘alain ofthe heat, as long as ALAN: My love for Pauline snot discret ‘snot dlcrete; it shouts from the rooftops look atm ook etme Lamovel DANGLE: It shall be my son who marvies Pauline. C Hitters Pauline. Come on PAULINE: Dou’ leave ane here Alan! DANGLE: (Ub catanutt) Me Chatles Ch hearing fom me, (CHARLIE:T ean explain, nch, you willbe 20 CONE MAN, THO GUVNORS ALAN I shall retum. Like a stonm. And everybody wil get wet ALAW exits, Door eet. (CHARLIE: Paulin. Over here, (PAULINE is nw aying. She goes eonsage with CHARLIE) Behave! PAULINE It's 1963 dad You ean force me to mary a dead hhomosexia (CHARLIE: He's not dead is he PAULINE: He isa homosexual though. CHARLIE: We've only got his word for that, @MULINE rane of into another om. CHARLIE flles,) Come back et (7 ROSCOR,) Gimme a minute Roscoe ‘CsA filing PAULINE. Helse the door Daring the next scene FRANCIS mies taking out his pubing hart and fering it RACHEL: Lloyd Boateng, My sister worked the bar for you at the The Palm Tee LLOYD: Rachel, yea, What's she doing? RACHEL: She runs thi nighlelu, The Suleto, LLOYD: P've heard it’s rough, Criminals, gangsters, Princess Mangere, ‘RACHEL: Rachel met him at York Hall, He was on de ear, He wor by a second round knockout, He'd boxed at public school apparently LLOYD: like your sister, She's a great gil. RACHEL: And, she ikes you. A Tot. She sid you could be trated, FRANCIS now fides with te nipples of en Afican women scalar, FRANCIS thinks thsi a private thing beter be and ‘DOLLY but LLOYD and RACHIEL wate. CHARLIE eee. End. an RICHARD BEAN (CHARLIE: The kid's upsct. She thought you was dead. D'yer wanna sandwich? 'MRANCIS: Yes! Yes please, We had to skip breakfast you se, RACHEL: Were going cat ner. What's your underanding ofthe deal Charlie? ‘CHARLIT: see the debt Towed your aher, paid to you on the day of your engagement ~ "RACHEL: ~ Sic thousand two hundred today. (CHARLIE: Pauline, 8 your public wife, gets two grand a year, for attending fanetions on your arm hac ‘and she gets the house in Debden, ‘CHARLIE: And Debden RACHEL: Have you got the aoney Charlie? (CHARLIE: [can give you a cheque. Six thousand two hundred RACHEL: Banker's draft. And Tl tae the two hundred in ch, (CHARLIE: Dolly phone the bank, getem wo knock up a banker's deaf for sx grand, DOLLY: (turedulous) For sx thousand? CHARLIE: Thats what Tad yea (DOLLY kates On th ty ‘hes aware of FRANCIS pousing et) Axe yom boys staying in Brighton? RACHEL: Can you recommend somewhere? U.OYD: certainly can, The Cricketers! Arms. FRANCIS: Do they do sandwiches? (CHARLIE: Wash your mouth out! Ts a pub, that does food. Loyd isthe landlord. He's had a thee-year raining ta het, Lovo: (Avie) Parkhurst 2 ONE MAN, THO GUYNORS FRANCIS. That has goto be the most beautiful sentence in the English language pub that do fod. RACH: Francis, go aead inthe moto ‘Pranic mais ew. ‘What ave you doing mate? You don't know where dhe pub ine FRANCIS Gav! Fora pb that does food ther! be stain the iy. ‘PRANCIS ke, DOLLY eater OLX: ve gol the Bank on the phone. CCUARLIC: (RACHEL) onto why they want ato ne (CHARLIE exis) oY: Rachel? RACHEL Youve loking prety good Lloyd LLOYD: Gilt? What al dis wid de rade hoy disguise RACHEL: The Old Bl ae looking for mo, Can I ust you? LOYD: You'e ike a dager to met RACHEL: My brother, Roscoe is dead, wovb: Ah man, sony. RACHEL: No you're not, no one i LoYD: What happen? RACHEL Last Saturday, Roscoe's let out af Brixton, and ‘comes looking ae us — Loy; ~ because you testified agains him, RACHEL: My brother, Roscoe is dead. My boyfriend killed ‘my tin brother, yeah I should hate Stanley for dha. But love him, Have you ever been in love Lloyd? LLOYD: Tre love? Yes, once (Aside) Paskburst. ichano ean Bhler CARLIE, va, ad bat ‘CHARLIE Pm gonna go use that two unde fling, CHARLES gone RACHEL: Me and Stanley are going to have to goto Australia LOYD: Australia! No Man! Oh my’ lemible, Australia, You poor th youlike Opera? God, no. Thats really ing gl! Why Australia? Do RACHEL: Not especially: But we've no ch lt we've no choice, We sl fron Southampton on Monday. The morning tide, The police will be watching the ports so — " WOYD:— Brighton's near enough bu safer? RACHEL: And Charte the Duck ives here, and we need LLOYD: guess. Where is your Stanley now? RACHEL: Brighton, somewhere, I ele ter for i a the post office with instructions on for arendezvous [pray to Gord he's alight. Bru Seve One. a (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS SCENE TWO Outside The Cricketers Arms ub ables, and w dustbin, Enter PRANCIS fom the pub etre. the pub table or some unfinished ins. Some dregs of Guinness, vahite wine, rd wine alle, orange. FRANCIS: My father, Tommy Henshall, God rest his soul, he woulda been proud of me, what I dane with my lie, until today. [used to play washboard inaskile band, but they went to see The Beatles last Tuesday night, and sacked se Wednesday moring. Ionic, because I started the Teatles, [saw them in Hamburg Rubbish. [said to that John Lennon, I sald ‘ohn, you're going nowhere mae, ts embarrassing, have you ever considered wating your ‘own song! So Pm skint, I'm busking, guitar, mouth organ ‘oma rack, bass drum ted to me foot, and the definition ‘of mental lines, eymbals between: my knees. So there Tan, middle of Victoria Station, 've only beoa playing {en minutes this lity bloke comes over, he says ~'do you do requests I say ‘yes’ he says Ti ike you to play ‘song for my mother sad ‘no problem, where i she? He said “Tasmania So Inutted him. This ite bloke Roscoe Crabbe seem al this nd offers me a week's work in Brighton, say he need bit of muscle. Tcl hi this is all fat, Bue I need a wage, haven't eaten since ls night. But 1 don’t get paid unt the end of the week, and I can't stop thinking about CHIPS, Pm saying ina pub, and I don ‘ven have enough shrapnel for « PINT. He empties el the des ito on pet pt isa tab end out ond densi one, He loos at the dt, Pats head he i Tere might be a discarded bag of chips in here, No! cant go through the bins! Must stop thinking about CHIPS, Come on Francis! Think about something boring, ie. ..Canada, He os iss, cocoate Canadat CHAR BEAN Ener STANLY STORBERS. He isfy ob dive carying ome bgt DRIVER: Thats as far as Pm going with tis mat. Be DRIVER ps the rank dea wceremoniouy ‘The fare is fve and six STANLEY: Ob Foot and Mouth! Dont be bad egy about itl STANLEY gas him the mone. DRIVER I dive a tai mate [ain't Heraces, STANLY: Is trunk, No one's asking you to holdup the sky forall eternity! DRIVEN: Adas bold up the sky. Heracles took over lor five ‘minutes so Aas could go and ge the golden apples fom, the Hesperides! garden ‘he tax drive eave. STANERY pot anes: STANLY: What's ths pub ke? PRANCIS: Groundbreaking. I does fod, ‘STANLEY: A pub? That does Food?! Buzz-wam! Whoever thought of that? Wrap his nuts in acon and send him to fhe nurse! What are de rooms like? FRANCIS: World clas, ‘STANLEY: Not that I care. 'm bosdng school eine. Pn tappy ve gota bed, char, and ao one psing on ny face, Could you do me a favour and keep af’ eye onthe twunk, hil see if they have any vacances? FRANCIS: How much? STANLEY: Half crown? FRANCIS: (Aside) HADDOCK AND CHIPS AND MUSHY PEAS! Yeah, alight 26 (ONE MAN, TWO GLVNORS SDANLY goes t te pub. PRAMAS cnsiders the rank, and the (aah hand. Enter en OLD LADY om tick, straggling along. She loos, passant tthe era Don’t even think about Th OLD LADY had of tard ge ih and th tp, setts UNO tr tr, dP tb (Di hr sts pend of RANI cg kes hin finnish sno Tite cng onan fon NCIS a hts proce ne tng fom uae ing elle tending ig Ii off the gr sf UNIS ls am fom tee fing Enter SUEY, tng sey STAM. (Ln hier) Do you know Dighton? RANI Ld hig) Can anyon ever kaow ight STANLEY (Lnd wipe) Les ha hy line ay human Woates dec dink ora pce is you fr ‘aye 8 My caren! gor it ny agro, Pe pepe eae pec a bie lta a wel iono woe STANLEY Why na? PHUNCI Tha o EAT EVERY DAY! STANLEY. Ll py youve pounds pr day FRANCIS STANLEY) Aight gw, youre on SAMY Do you know where th mula Pos fein Th? HRANCIS le) Thave ably no en. (Oh yesh ant dor my N's STANLEY There shouldbe ome pot forme, Yui ned his Tate fun, aN go Pane ate n RICHARD BEAN FRANCIS: Reading) To whom itmay coucer, the beaters an Authorised agent of Stanley Stubbers. STANLEY: Shh FRANCIS: Who's Stanley Stbbers? ‘STANLEY: (Whiter, Me! But don’t call me Stanley Stubbers, Fm going to have to make up anew name forthe pub, "MANC (hipe) Whats wrong with The Cites STANLEY: Whisper) You've not exacly a Swiss watch ae you FRANCIS: (Wiper) No} And I never want t be. STANLEY: (Wher) Ae oan far me, ba in low. What do Tal you? don't do ist names Fin ey ste forgivand Novvean FRANCIS: (Whar) Henshall STANLY Like ie (ie) Get my trunk indoors, Henshall, collect my letters Henshall, Pa in room en Exit SUANLEY int the pub. PRANCIS can’t Hk thet, i's oo Aessy. Comedy basins. Bat he ends wp geting eo me fm he andinc to do for hr. tnpra, Having sed the pub door on the ‘co wanders he spins eound and ot af upstage FRANCIS: Post ofice, Enter RACHEL and LLOYD, RACHEL: Francis! Where are you going? HANCIS: I'm walking round and round ia icles to ward off the hunger pangs LOYD: [will cook you the neh of iene FRANCIS: Lane? I haves’ had breast RACHEL: Have you gpt my trunk out ofthe car yet? FRANCIS: I've just done dhe trunk, 28 (ONE MAN, THO GUYNORS (Aside) A ~ Concentrate Francis (1 RACHEL.) Doe't worry Roscoe, Il get your trunk from ‘he motor, no LLOYD: 1 get one ofthe bar staf to give you a hand. Exit LLOVD ints the pu, Hehe to olanters standing fag LLOYD: What! You two again! Out! I've cold you before, yot‘re barred, Come an out ‘he wounds return oir ea. RACHEL I need you too to the Post Office, and ~ FRANCIS ait gw, sp going aot Yount have RACHEL: T haven" asked you to go to the Post Office at al, yet FRANCIS: (Aside,) Ob shit RACHEL: Lloyd tells me it just around the comer FRANCIS: (Ande) Thats handy. RACHEL, Collect any liters for me or my sister, Rachel (Crabbe. This is leter of authorisation FRANCIS: Te got ane of those already. I don't need two do? RACHEL: How come you already have a leter af anorisation? PRANCIS: (Aside) This istickier than T thought. (FRANCIS takes ‘he later) You're sight, I'm gonna need that RACHEL: And any eters you collet are private 1s that clear? FRANCIS: Don't worry guy, won't even read diem myself RACHEL be in my room, (RACHEL gv.) FRANCIS: (Aside) I've go two jabs, how did that happen? You got to concentrate ain't ya with two jobs. Kaw! T ean do 4 long as I done get confused. But I ge confuted easly. » FlCHaRD BEAN don’t get confused that easly. Yes Ido. Ym my own, Mant ee: Stop being neqaive. Tm not being negative im Bing reali. sees py alvay do, Who Screws it up? You, youre the role model fr village idiots everywhere, Me?! You're nothing without me. You're the ‘cock up! Don’ call mea ack up, you cock upl (Ue tps himself) You lapped me'? Yeah, 1 did. And Ym lad Til (He pamches hice back.) That nu. Baa i if back) That hurt. Good. You A fight ioaks ou, whee he ends up othe fle, ables, Baer ALAN ncn ALAN: What ny iA ink, {ob, many, honeymoon ave hls wach ego ‘pod ved of thr own dace nes nt tse, get old, and die happy P oi PY ty dake evry ther inant igen and Hove? Wh Kind tes 8h? No, aman ant Chanter ct esa tow Aisle itor thats pum thas ute goatee could bea wrier-Teamat allow tes te key ‘who is both dead and late to come along and end my Sew dre one net ara ny ead. (He natices FRANCIS.) My rival's lackey. 1 be vals ade the beginning of the end. * ee (0 PRANCis) Whereis he dog, you gener? He wi i toy, ‘ LAW toes is ect of als is sees ap tbe his atch of ‘preparing fr af fe. " HANCI: Do yourself favur mas, walk vay ALAN: You have obviously never heen fs ove LANES (Cain on rg Janice Cater, on Cosel, vo ber grantee “os Bane ALAN: bring the cur out here, naw! FRANCIS: You want to talk to my guymor ALAN. Tall itl, yes, bd then daughter alot. 30 (OME MAN, THO GUVNORS FRANCIS: Alight, stay there, I'l go and ge him. (MRANGIS ‘aad for the pu doar us ashe gets there STANLEY opens it.) STANLEY: Have you been tothe Post Office yet? FRANCIS: I was — STANLEY: ~ Who's he? FRANCIS: He wants a word with my guvmor, STANLEY: I'm your guvaor FRANCIS: Yet. You ate aren't you. STANLEY: He wants a word with me, does be? FRANCIS: (nroducing SPINLEY ALAN) This genteman is called Alan. [STANLY Oh bad ck FRANCIS: Tbe atthe pos ollie. FRANCIS tiptoe backward ou the way, xnsen STANLEY: Ave you an aetor? ALAN: Does it show? STANLEY: The way you sand, alan angle. As ifthere’s an smdienes, over there ALAN: My eval in love, Roscoe Crabbe, arved from London today and is staying here. STANLEY: (Ati) Bizaret Roscoe Crabbe is tbe name of the chap Tulle aceidenally last Saturday evening, stabbing brim three times in the chest wih a knife bought earlier. ALAN: He has today claimed my brid, ny love, my hie STANLEY: No! Roscoe Crabbe is dead, I know he's dead Tecate friend of mine knows someone, whose dad works with a chap who says he murdered hin ALAN: met him not an hour ago, He lives, his every breath tortures me. icra BEAN STANLEY: (tide) I suppose when I fed the dub he wasn't ‘actully yet dead, Oh Jeez If Rascoe did survive andi in Brighton, he's here for one Beighton, he's here for one reason only, ok me, Oh ay ara) es wo styl here know ha. would have ‘AIAN: Oh Las led to believe. No mater, My car. Ifyou see ‘ua el ho hat his ie will only be spare if he his wedding plans Pe ALAN esha card, STANLEY: You said Orlende Dangle ALAN: Equity already had an Orlando Dangle STANLEY: You date‘Alan'? YoUF name was Alan? This car says ALAN: 1% 196, there's bloody revolution ia the theatre and saan Young men se ting Haybot Alam Wha STANLEY: My mame? (Aside) Buggereot Gonna have to be ein to Rtay gs aN nee dustbin. And then the pub sign.) “ Dustbin, Das... Pubsign ALAN ug? SANDY: Pasig. an old Ang ld Anglo Seo gud mae. The bakes ale re Sai ere Un Hach Pubsigns made the pub signs, ° ALAN ben ples meeting ou Mier Pig tetera 2 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS tr 0 POLICEMAN ‘ugh! Rozzer (the POLICEMAN.) Lovely day fo it POLICEMAN: Lovely day for what si? STANLEY: Fighting rime STANLEY backs into he uh. The POLICEMAN walls on, thngh eis ‘supicius Enter FRANCIS FRANCIS start gong though he laters of which here ae fori ll, vo ltr, end to authoriatons. ‘FRANCIS: Authorisation leer. Let's put that in this pocket. Rachel Crabbe. Lets put that inthis pocket for now. I'm ‘good at his, [could work fr the Post Ofce. That'd be tines jobs. Authorisation. That goes inthe authorisations packet. Stanley Stbbers Ab, run ou of pockets. (Putin his mth, Chas 0 Witde Mambling) Dos veally ‘eed these authorisation letters any more do I? ‘eps theautrsations in the same pocket asthe RACH ete So this pocket is now for Stanley Stubbers letters. God What are these then? I'm geting confused now. Two ‘authorisation letters. I dnere's two latter they definitely ‘need their own pocket, What’ this? Stanley Stubbers. ‘That'sthe one that usted quite good. Past in his mouth, Chews ile more, Min, He tates a proper bite, Not bad for paper. Bit dry. Could do witha bit more ink, Sa authorisation’ in here, Roscoe's sisters letter in here. Really eas the ltr, STANLY stil his had ot the inde. ‘STANLEY: Henabalt Did you got the leters. FRANCIS: Yer guy. Yea, they're all her. (sit) 1 didn’t know paper could ase this good. 1 ‘might go back to communion, (He ents, complet Enter Sram) a Chan aan ‘STANLEY: How many? Just the one I guess. FRANCIS. Ee. Let's have look. (He gos trough the Ltr) ‘There's nothing here for you guy, STANLEY; What are those eters then? FRANCIS: These ae... decoy letters, STANLEY: Decay letters? MRANCIS:The Post Office release dae ike like homing pigeons, ‘They record how many ind their way back, and how ‘many get shot down and run over: STANLEY: You're not telling the (uth are your? ‘RANCIS: I'm hungry guv! All my sytem are shuting down, SANE grabs ho by the ar and by the balls, STANLEY: The tuth Hensal! Of dolphin againt ” a FRANCIS: (pain These are Paldy’s letters STANLEY: Paddy? FRANCIS: Am old fiend of mine, he was collecting eters for his boss, bute hadn't had any LUNCH, yo, aT Picked hisletters up fr im, so he could go and have HADDOCK AND CHIPS AND MUSHY PEAS! ‘STANLEY: This eters for my intended, Rachel Crabbe! STANLEY recaresbis qr on FRANCIS tices and takes tele FRANCIS: You can't open other people's eters! STANLEY: Why not? FRANCIS: Its avery deep human thing tha’ relly basic and docs need explaining, STANLEY: At boarding school we opened wach other's post ll the time "PUN: You aio gang raped leven yeaa boys, Which 4 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNoRS STANLEY: No? FRANCIS: No STANLEY: Mmm, Teflt pretty good atthe time, (STANLEY tetas fom FRANCAS to share the contents wath the dione) (Aside) Ws from Jackie, Rachel's est frend, (Reading) Dear Rachel, The police know you fed to Brighton dcessed as a man xo The Kooning News caried a satis’ impression of what you might look like ja mens clothes, You ended up looking a bit ike Ringo Starr, who's already been arrested ice. (Aside) Rachel, tue woman Love, isin Brighton disguised 1 the percussionist of a popula beat combo! (Baaling.) They also caried x boxing photo of Stanley ~ (Aside) thats mel (Reading) 1s 30 atl that you have to goto Australia, Lave, Jackie, Three kisses (Aside) Three kisses? That's 2 bit it-only-Greeke island. (> FRANCIS) Henshall! Have you met Paddy's boss? FRANCIS: No, STANLEY: Find Paddy, tl him to tell his employer 'm saying here, STANLEY exits int the pu FRANCIS: lok for Paddy alter LUNCH! STANLEY: NO! Now! This 3 matter of life or death. STANLEY necks back nto the pub. FRANCIS address the audnce fm the stage. FRANCIS: Has anyone got a SANDWICH? (Bat) There's thousand people here and no one’s got 2 York ham and mustard? Bacon, lettuce, tomato? (Plading,) Cheese? Anvone? What? Has he got one...2 CHAR BEAN Opportunity to improvive with audience ma sanuiches, Eater RaRALA ae BARMAN: of your, FRANCIS: Yes ‘gota minute, i! you want a hand with that trunk FRANCIS is cangl beter «sande and duty, BARMAN: Now. FRANCIS: Alrghll Lets do ie Lets gt the trunk out ofthe ‘He and the BARMAN bead off up page ll, Rater tacts 1 MARACAN its, upstage, looking a his watch, aking no al intros RACHEL: Francs! Have you got the letters? He kd oe the epeed later ts RACH plas one other TRANCIS: There you go guy, none of . sone of yours have been eaten. 1m going to get your trunk ~ “ FRANCIS heads of euickly with the nara, ‘RACHEL: ~ Francis! This leter has been openeil RANCIS; (sid) Ob no, I needa convincing excuse here. ( RaCtHEL.)¥ had to open it because [reali open it because realised that here ‘was small, distressed frog trapped inside (Aside, Yes! Come on! RACHEL: How did you know there w ‘tapped inside a seated envelope? FRANCIS: (Aside) Shit ‘here was no fog, etal. 1 had alter for me, which 1 mid yet opened, and T opened yours by mistake RACHEL: Get my trunk o my need to talk (Se sts and reads the Ltr an doesnt nse the and does not nati the trunk ‘sins: Ws fromm a frien of ine, Jackie. Stanley thnks 99a small dstresed fo 1y room, then come back here. We 36 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNoAS she's lesbian, But the only evidence for that is that she loca fancy Stanley FRANCIS and the BARMAN enter, The BARUAR i carping the (rank on bso. FRANCIS: Tea condition ofthe spine. Ankylosing sponds, 1 Ltny and it anything heavier than le and fork Igo bina RACHEL: Ate you stupid? FRANCIS: No, I could've gone to universiy fT got the ‘qualifications RACHEL: What’ your ironing like? FRANCIS: World clas. ve got the equivalent ofa 2:1 in Sroning from Dutham, RACHEL: My shirts ae in the trunk, Here's the key, (RACH i UANCIS the a.) Has Charlie the Duck been here? Did he give you the bankers draft? FRANCIS: No, RACHEL: Did he give you the two hundred cash? "FRANCIS: He's not come here, he's not given me no money, ‘on my Mother’ life, God rest her soul RACHEL: Typical bloody Charlie? Ducks arse tight I need that money. I beter go chase im up. (Exit RACHEL sag right) FRANCIS: He didnt say the shirts needed ironing urgently. “Maybe T could goto the High Stet and beg for some food. ‘FRANCIS heeds forth aie ba stopped By Canta ter CAURLIR CLENCH frm sage ft. Hes dese forthe bank and wearing ily His curing large bully expe (CHARLIE: Is your uynor in? Ive got his bangers here, FRANCIS: His sausages? RCHARD BEAN (CHARI: Bangers and mas, As hk te dns if 9 my pres hen been answered. Ca RANCYS (ide Sage and mah an nlp Pe seen the fature, aa (CHARLIE: Is cockney rhyming. Bangers and mash ~ Cash FRANCIS: Aght Ie not food thea?! ‘CHARLIE: Ie’ the ovo hundred folding for your guvnor. Don't. let me down, FRANCIS: WHEN AMI GOING TO EAT! (untae eit, Baer Sen, STANLEY: Henshall Did you find your fi Paddy? UANCIS Er. Pe arranged to meet hin later, on the pie STANLEY: Whats this? PRANCTS:1¢4 an envelope fall of money, for my guvynot, STANLEY: I'm your governor. mawers You ae, arent you. Goon, ake itt don't cate any ‘STANLEY: Must be that pawnbroker down the road, Did he have a hearing ad a wig, anda las eye? PRANCIS: For sale? STANLEY: No, as functioning parts of his anatomy. FRANC He was wearing a hat STANLY: ef pocket watch wih tien, eaten. like Brighion! Pubs with food, cash delivered, isa beter of Pagiand! FRANCIS: I'm going ogo in now and get on with your ironing. STANLEY: Inidaive. like i (ONE Maw, TWO GUVNORS FRANCIS: thought we'd already agreed I'd tom your shies STANLEY: No, But have ago. Inever undersiod how irons ‘work. I bunked aff physic, spent every lessor inthe radiation cupboard trying to make my penis glow. The 00 End of Sere. SCENE THREE CHARLIE CLENCH hott, CHARLIE. PAULINE sexing. PAULINE: I can’t marry that ny, weird looking, vicious, ‘homosexual short arsed, runt ofa eviminal CHARLIE; Why aot, what you got against him? PAULINE: want to mamry for love, (CHARLIE: Trust me, You don’t wanna mary for love! When your muvver... Breaks wp sig) ...when she left me Lak. rats yp,)~ PAULINE: — Don't upset yours, dad. What you tryna say? (CHARLIE: I'm tryna say that love passes through marrage ‘quicker than shit chrough a small dog, PAULINE: But love Alan CHARLIE: Marry Roseoe and you get «detached house in ‘Debden. In the Forest. A mil long drive. PAULINE: From where? (CHARLIE: From the nearest publi thoroughfare! He won't fever touch you. You just gotta go ta the boxing on his arm, show die world be ain't ine bob note and at two grand ‘year he's paying you more than Bobby Moore i geting PAULINE I didn’t know he wa living with Bobby Moore? (CHARLIE: (Aide) They thicker Five years ago, you agred to this agreement. jd, but they can't make bricks 8 ICAO BEAN PAULINE: Five yeats ago was young and stupid. ‘CHARLIE: So what's changed? DOLLY enter. DOLLY: Roscoe's back. PAULINE starts wailing Ber RACHEL, (CHARLIE: Hello Roscoe! Come i bangers? MACHT: Td not get my banger No, And ide get banker's draft neither. That's why P'm here. ad ‘CHARLIE give the bangers to that geezer of yo anca ners to tat geezer of yours. Two RACHEL: And the six thousand? CHARLIE: Les have lnc at the Cet, Pave it ‘signed off by then, " a Rac in son. Did you gt your ts What's she singing about? (CHARLIE: Thi is or wvieving fe evn for you death rom tree days ago. She’s always a bit behind om RACHEL Pd ike word with hey, if tha’ alight, Alone ‘CHTARLIR: Alright Roscoe, Take your time. canst exits RACHEL: Pauline — PAULINE: — Piss of Thate you! You've ruined ay ie, RACHEL: know what would make you fel better PAULINE: You bleeding well touch me, aga I'l scream! RACHEL: Ihave a secret, PAULINE: don't want to ‘now anything about your lie with you were dead seen ACHE ar hr le artery lng ‘Lam dead, ™ 40 CONE ian, TWO GUYNORS ‘PALILINE: Ate you? Not Really? What's tee? RACHEL: Roscoe Crabbe, my brother is dead, PAULINE: You're Roscoe's brother! RACHEL: Sister, PALILINE: I don't understand RACHEL: I'm Rachel, Roscoe's twin sister PAULINE: Oh yeah! They said he was one of wo identical RACHEL Itisnot possible fr identical twin to be diferent PAULINE: Why not? RACHEL Because one would be male and the aber female PAULINE: I dort understand. RACHEL, All you need to know is that Tam a woman. PAULINE:So, hang on, that means, I can’t marty you, dunn RACHEL: More importantly it means you can marsy Alan. PAULINE: Can I? RACHEL: Tn the near future PAULINE; Pd beter go tl him. MULAN makes fr th door but RACHEL stops es, grabbing her ees. RACHEL: No! My identity must remain a serot Lneed your hap. PAULINE: Tl do anything to marry Alan. Hove him, ‘RACHEL: too am in love. ‘PAULINE: Really? With Alan? ‘RACHEL: No, with Stanley PAULINE: It's weird fait, Love, Is ike being mad, RCWARD BEAN RACHEL: Insane, Look at me, Dressed in my dead brother's lothes. ‘PAULINE: Maybe this is your way of grieving for him. RACHEL: Yes. hah’t dhought ofthat, (They hld hands, ‘oman each other.) We girls have to help each other ‘They hug spontancouy, ner CHARLIE. (CHARLIE: Sory, shoulda knocked. Well, well T never. come back in haan hour. Pata xecord on, (CARL tos ro) RACHEL: Charlie, you can go abe with plans for our wedding CHARAN: Right? PAULINE: But need ime...t0 choose dees, RACHEL: And the banker’s draft is — CHARLIE: ~ Roscoe, rust me, the money's no problem, Td beter go tell Laurenee Olivieri’ ofl. Kaw! Hay Dangle won't like this. (CHARLIE hau fr the dor and is gone) PAULINE: Ob bleedin’ heck! What if dad tell Alan Alan ‘might chink we've had it of ‘RACH Wha would Alan do, if he were to dha that? PAULINE: He'd go info one. He's known as a dangerous ator RACHEL: I ean look after myselt. PAULINE: I know, but il, beter goto him before dad docs, ‘PAULINE hd fr he dt Bat is al bythe rm by RACH RACHEL: You swore to keep my secret, PAULINE: How long do E have 1 yo along wiv this he? RACHEL: Stanley and Tare going to have to ive in Ausra, 2 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS PAULINE: Oh ot Auta! Oh no! Ob my Godt Aart ‘mht How a AACHEL He tes oudboie let by lags, ronan toad PAULINE: symp yb ny Alan be sing vihinow ct rat me My plan wl deliver to you be band of ouch PAULIN: Al? _ Acute, Alan. And hp yf no, willbe antenacopl of weak? tne. The night aby sensu bi a avn: Wha Ai Tha tf eng yo a, ober da hve nema rel) du evga te ton eight of ering PAULINE: I dont understand Baul of See SCENE FOUR i fae hr ede ie dys ‘itm eng es ee ie oa ie Daan on Up eoie ht g dc elfen etn Ph peat te et gif ef pedo ratio “rach eet tmay aN fon ato Cane dar oe on : ct Rone iied on avo ch wh Chai, rms er epee na ba Dost tice vty be weints elon Pn sotto ‘hak Mr Ser sng le eh goon Forint dos shen ie een “ay moal or en hw Pony ve cx mega 8 RICHARD BEAN blader worked oma wy of eating me kidneys. Bat ‘The ood new isis anh ne. Theres ong fod vere andal I've gto dois erga sath, you ‘now lt overs the dd oe coure sing mang ide itunder ete maybe. (Uelios ndr eae Coes ca mone op) ‘A mouse tap with chunk of CHESHIRE CHEESE} My favourite. AU white and crumbly. And this bi’ only Slghlly nibbled. (ts the hee with an etended tng Enter STANLEY) STANLEY: Henshalt ‘FRANCLS jumps. fight, the ravase tapes offn is ong. He ‘ake the trap of his tongue, = FRANCIS: Anaarght STANLEY: How come mouse trap went af on your tongue? FRANCIS: e's a personal hing gu STANLEY: Understand I too enjay pain. Have you found ane ey p you found FRANCIS: 1 was going to look fr him ater LUNCH. STANLEY ye got na tne to wast on lunch I'm goin fon lunch, I'm going down, to the pie to look for him myself FRANCIS Ae Nw hi ls ne! Get hi urn ot he ‘way while I serve the other one. Ls * ‘STANLEY: By the way, what does Paddy look hike? FRANCIS: Hes big ad, smells of ores STANLEY: Smells ¢/horses? Or smells lle «horse? The former Ss respectable, indicative of amily money, the te is jut oor hygiene. FRANCIS: At the end ofthe day, is the same thing ain't ‘STANLEY: (A min piphany.) Good paint 4 ‘ONE MAN, Two GUVNOAS FRANCIS: Now take your ime gu, There's two pers, enjoy the sunshine, I cant remember which pier he said now. Do ‘you want me to order food for you, for later? STANLEY: I'm not that hungry, order what you lke. T need to cat n privat, waited on by you and you alone. What's this Don Bradman room like? (Zl bots itv Bradman room.) Perfect. ea in here, (Toke out eneape of mong)T don't ‘want to take all Us eash with me, Can I trust you wi it Henshall? FRANCIS: Ist eile? STANLEY: doubs it FRANCIS: essa with me then guy STANLEY: Pl slip out the back. STANLY slopes of dwn the service ais. Enter GARETH aud “ALFIE, CARETHis thirty somthing, and tained beadaiterype. “ALATEe mcantt be o, slw ad deery Ganeri: My oame’s Gareth. I'm the bead waiter. This s Alle ALEIE: Dm eighty si, GARETH: No you'te not, You'eeeighty-soven, ALETE: I dhought I was eighty-six GARETH: No, That was lst year Be pation! with Ali please, he's abit deaf, so dane tam your back, he's gonna lip vad ALF: [ain't never going ack there! (Tb BRARCIS) Iwas 2 blondy massacre GARETH: He was at Gallipoli He has balanee problems, he suffers from the tremors, and he's got one of them new fangled pacemakers for his heart. ‘FRANCIS: Is that all need to know? (GARETH: One other thing FRANCIS: Whats that? NCHARD BEAN ‘GARETH: IU his first day. T've been told to set places for Me Cenc and your guymor, " FRANCIS: In there, the Compton room, and my other guvnor vl eat alone inthe Bradman room late, and they've both ‘asked me to persanally wait on thls tables, (OARETH: (npreued.) You've got two employers? FRANCIS: Ten that good. L was trae by the legen ca legendary French walter, Jean Jacques Jim, GARETH In Face? TRANCIS: Ofcourse GARETH: Which town? FRANCIS: Ashhy-de-la Zouch, GARETIE Thats near Loughbosough, FRANCIS: Tis now. LITE: Do thse gunors of yours know you've got twa jabs? FRANCIS: No, tha is our secre for today: (GARETH What’ fat for mean Alfie? MUANCIS: Iss work for you an you til et pd [GARETH What about our dips? FRANCIS: You'l get a big tip from me a the end ofthe alleen, GARETH: Alright Iwas going ta staet by seting two places in the Compton room. Pees FRANCIS: You can do tha. Theyte not here yet GARETH: Ale Stone place i the Bradman rom. 1 get some wine list, AL tr wllig ard te Bradner sey & tees thr rpc ams El COV 46 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS LLOYD: How many courses do you thinks Roscoe end Chaslie will wane? FRANCIS. Seven, L0vD:Seven, Ala carte? FRANCIS: Not They’ gonna eatindoors. Ul order for them. LLOVD:"The mena iin French, How many languages do you speak? FRANCIS: T speak two languages actualy, Engh and French. The menu, por favor LLOYD: Por favors Spanish, FRANCIS: (Aside) Bloody hell Tcan speck three languages, FRANCIS is gen th menu. He spends a cope of ats ooking at it frowning, weeating LLOYD: Alfie! Where's Allie? FRANCIS: He's in the Bradman. LLOYD: Oh. Hell need a menu then. (LLOYD ge te the trchld ofthe Bradman site.) Ale! Put this men and wine lit on the table, (LLOYD gies ALFTE mean a wine st) (1 means) Ave you wady to order then? FRANCIS: (Closing th mana with a suo.) Yes! Can you bring lotathot food, and, you know, just keep it coming, LLOYD: My pleasure, Exit LLOYD doe the tars ter GARETH fem the Compton FRANCIS So, Gareth, Alle! Bring te food to her, this table, and I serve it [GARIETH: Aight. Alfie, bring the soup up, bring i to ere, ALP ner CHURLIB and RACHEL, PRANCIS puts fnge os ips te ingore eater Bvt GARETH. RICHARD BEAN RACHEL i: You int got the money have you Chatle? ‘CHARLIE: This is my problem, 1 have its arse dapped by Uree o'clock. Aud, I'm paying for kanch, Tint. Lloyd’ ‘cooking, trast me, he's genius ‘ACHE: Francis! Charlie sid be gave you some cash eatin, Inan envelope. FRANCIS: (Arde) Ob not I can see whats going to happen! Roscoe's yonnatake Miser Stubbers's money! Thats Aisaster! No, wait, iis Roscoe's money: Yer! (4% Racttet) There you yo. (Hands it eer) ‘est ewo places in here, de Dennis Compton Room, (CHARLIY:ean't have nothing to do with Dennis Comyion He was a Gooner, FRANCIS: Dennis Compion played erckel for Arsenal? ‘CHARLAM: Football. Inthe winter, Pun Spues an Feat eat in ther, someune might see me. [RACHEL Lets eatin the Dom Bradman room, PRaNcIs: NOM RACHEL: Why not? FRANCIS: The gealeman fi radian room, m room ten has booked the RACHEL: He's not here is he, When room tea atives, he can have the Compton room. You got anything aginst the ‘Aussies Chie? (CHARLIE: No, As ithappens quite ike opera. And, ‘obviously they're not Arsen 50 they'te not seu, CHARLIE sides indo the Brana rom, RACHEL oles and lees the dor FRANCIS: (Aside) Oh shit Eater LE dol up testo with he sap shaking and oking ihe he might lsh adance as he gc oy (ONE Man, Twa GUVNORS ‘FRANCIS: Come om Alfie you ean do it? ‘This soup must be made of lead i's bloody heavy. He es othe top, tl stragling oth Ms Bence. Tien of vup on ty. FRANCIS: Let me help Pl ake that ‘RAMCIS if the bese off th ay. This woerbalances ALF and ‘etumblesbackunds dum he stairs unnaticed by FRANCS Enter SDANLEY, FRANCIS: Guv2! You'te back, that was quick. STANLEY: T went rounel to dhe Palace Pie, coulda’ find anyone who smelt like a horse, and tb other pier was on fire, so I thought Pd best give ita miss. (Aside) Truths, Brighton is swarming with onze (f neancis,) 1 eat now. FRANCIS: Now!? [STANLEY: Yes. Now. What have you got dere? FRANCIS: Your wup, ‘STANLEY: But I wasnt even here yet FRANCIS: That’ how good Fam, STANLEY strides towards the door ofthe Bradman vom. PRANCIS: You're actually in that oom there, guv. The ‘Compton Room. hate STANLEY: Why! FRANCIS: There's an Australian honeymoon couple in here. STANLEY: Ooh. Mis and Booa! ring that soup in, Pi starving, T could eat my own pants SDANLY exits into the Campton room. FRANCIS starts ofl, FRANCIS: Ob no! Both guvnors! What am I going to doe! 0 RICHARD BEAN iter RACHEL fom the Bradman. reane Compton Room door cated. RACEL: We're a place misting. (Se elit «place sting rom ‘he table) What have you got there? FRANCIS: Your soup, 18 spins, slams the RACITEL: Gissit here then! What’ the mattr wiv you? FRANCIS: [haven't eaten in sixteen hours, RACHEL ext to the Bradman rom. Enter Gass ‘Listen! Both guvnrs, Both rooms, I need everything twice, Get me more soup. Quick! Enter ALSUE with the chareatre plate, ALFIE: (Ponting out of brea, Here's yer caw meats ALFIE hands oer the plate to FRANCIS and then tars np io oconaker, FRANCIS: Look ath! Beautiful, Ham, beet what they call that sliced sausage there? ALE: Pepperonly FRANCIS thes th carters fate fom ALPS and eas sic ALP watches, FRANCIS: Beautiful ‘You sound out of bres Alfie? ‘ALFIE: U'sthem kin sta, they tek ou of yer. tu mi pace ‘mekker up a couple of notches FRANCIS takes th pte STANLY opens th door quickly beckng ALFIE the fc, ALPIR mokera fll tur and then als Bakar lou the stais, wncen by STANLY. STANLEY: Where's that soup you had? FRANCIS: Tewas cold sent t back. STANLEY: Vichysoise? RANCIS: No, Back downsair, so STANLEY: Get me the wine menu would you. : Y a beth (Aside) By which I mean that'd like to drove in a bat of Grand Crus. My Ife is over, Tean't ind Rachel. !may snover mutke lave t her ever ain. (STANLEY takes the ‘hareatere plate, and class the door. Hater GARETH with a cond coup tren) ‘GARETH: Rule number one, fora waite, Don't eat the fod. ‘Soup for your athe guvaor. FRANCIS: Smashing: And he wants a wine Hist. GARETH waches ont to sxppy of ne mena GARETH No empties? Have you cleared that oom, FRANCIS: Alright, alright? ‘GARETH. Tl send up the Quenelles de Voll, FRANCIS: Ah! My favourite, my Nan used to cook quenelles de vole every bonfire night, “GARE: Chicken balls! Exit CARED, with an imperious le. FRANCIS did’ think chickens had... mean, cockerels obviously [Never understood soup. You don’t need a knife and fork to eat, 0 i's not fod, 0 it must be deak, i wih ease Pd ther have a pint. He picks wp the trzen nd drinks the soup straight fom the tren, downs it name, Ends with sain sigh. Enter RACHEL PRINCIS hides the emp tren behind his Bak RACHEL: Francs, can you clear our table please ofthe soup, snd we'd like to order some wine. FRANCIS: (With maui of sup.) Yos Guy. Bvt RACH into Brana ollsved by FRANCIS. FRANCIS returns fnmedioely with ther sup taren and empty bls He clases the By CHAR BEAN ‘Pradmas dor. STANLEY enters fram the Compton room ond colecs (ine mens fom the table and tars STANLEY: Service! Anyone! (Abide) Lats face wets not good at service are we, the Eglish. Taking over and runing failing counties, that's what we do best. But herein Sussex if you as for a cheese sandwich anda las of wine, the patron sits his pant and ides in cupboard (Sein no HENSULALL, he picks np the soup and ine lit Tons page ita deen lis.) Musm, Winerannat STANLEY rturs tothe Compton, Enter FRANCES fom Bradman ‘eth thir sop arena empty bl, cases the Bradinan doe FRANCIS: Yes! There’ ot of soup left in lee, We can start. ‘the stsht {need someone to lok alter this soup for me. (He gues ite he ot re and hand the aren to CHAISTINE, plant) You don min do you? What's your name? ‘CHRISTINE: Chuistine Patterson FRANCIS: Christine Patterson. Thanks fo giving us al the ‘nfo! Want to give out your National Insurance number 38 well? Will you look afer this soup, Hide it under your ‘seat Thank you Christine Paterson. Don't let any of thee Bastards touch it -RANGHS back om stage ALAHG aoe th {he chicken als ‘What you got there Ale? ALFIE: Chicken balls FRANCIS: How many have we got here? ALLE: Twelve FRANCIS: Right give me three plates, AL gies him tee ‘las, AANCIS dishes up four chicken bl teach plat, then atone chicken ball with ack reasoning, ling ony anton each Of the plates) Three diners, so thats four each and none for ‘me, ot three each an thrve for mie. 32 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS RANCHES els on hich bal frm each ofthe te plete ALEIE: Oi Oi! He's eating the kin eicken balls FRANCIS: Or two each and six for me FRANCIS cas another oe fom each plete ALPIt: Them’s not for you lad! What are they ike? FRANCIS: Beautifull Or one each and aine for me, ‘FRANCIS cats ne more fim ac plate LUE ads ott ty one cand gets his had slapped TI give these to Roscoe and Charlie, Alfie! Get on that ‘door Don't let him open the door! ri alse the Conon dey, PANG thi end cent pet PANS ha oan swith vo pats FRANCIS love meatballs, Suceulent: Meat. Dalley STANLEY eters from the Compton Room SIANLEY: Henshall, 'U have a bot of. What are you doing? FRANCIS: Bringing you your chicken balls gu. STANLEY: One at atime? You've a strange planet, FRANCIS: Lloyd ie stiller fr presentation, STANLEY: I want a bottle ofthe Chtesuneu-du-Pape. SPAY gues lack ito is ron sing the dor hse. Ber (Gane with a range of seeables which be pus onthe table, (GARETH: Here's your ve [RANCIS: Chateauneuf dv-Pape in there COARETH: Certainly Ent RACHEL, FRANCIS: Chicken balls gu. RICHARD EAN [ACHTEL: About time. (fb G4RE7#,) Ah ae you the wine (GARETH Teun be. Racit We'd like a bote ofthe 58 Claret plese (GARETH: So that's one bote of Chateauneuf du-Pape and a bottle ofthe Claret. RACHEL: No.Just one ote of Claret Alright? ‘GARETH: Ab yes, my mistake, RACHEL, coe the dor FRANCIS: Come here, (MANS kes him inthe ball, He calagses) You're bucky, Tnearly had to kill you then. GARETH: Sorry. Not easy ist Having two bosses PRANCIS: Thank you Fe cane, NNow, wow! Look atl these besulfl vegetables. I want some ofthese for later (Heats a fo pata te) Christine Patterson! I could do sith some help ‘Come on. (CURiSTINE goes up on sage FRANCES puts eet {ng the tree soon as be cen) Kas Thats lovely dens (Christine Paterson sit made of soup resistant material? (Ste dds the arenas RANCIS fl i with eels) ‘Christine! I'm just going to loa this up with vegetables for ete 1p with vegetables f {Lets get you and the teen back down there. LLOYD: Service! PRINCI Hang on? 107 git ib te fis {HJ On ody Loyd comang Yue pha She Chun CHRISTINE: Oh any Godt FRANCIS: Get behind there. CONE MAN, TIO GUYNORS ‘unis hides bend the WG. Grace eat oat eth tree. Her fase and eyes showing though. Bacane she's ot bg air it foks ridiculous aif Grace has hai rowing ont of ica, LLOYD enters ferrying ods with three Baked trout in almonds LLOYD: This is my dish ofthe day. Trlte aux amandes. What's Trice? FRANCIS: Fish. LLOYD: Trout. Aux? FRANCIS: (Muctcal theatre sl) Trout Obt? LLoYD: Trout in Amandes? [PRANCIS: I knaw this one. Germany. Trout in Germany. LLOYD: "Tro ie Germany. FRANCIS: Yeah, LLOYD: Germany is Allemagne, Amandls is Almonds, FRANCIS: Trout in almonds! Yes LLOYD; (ith a lok tthe Compton) Where's Gareth? FRANCIS; For in dere! Leave it with me. or exit. want some ofthis, I want all ofthis. Christine! Where's ry stash? (CHRISTINE cme fread. He cats the head of one of the ed puts the Bdy in is stash. eds the same for he ther te, Hest ith vee fis head) Tote ‘He pts each separated fk oad omits een plate and puts some ‘almonds ontop. Fish heads in almonds Hecate a second head off pts it a plate ‘They'l think s posh French food won't they. Won't they? Ws alright, don't et savolved, Nove Christine Patterson 1 want you to watch that door (Re: Compt) Make sure ICARDA the dossn't come out. I'm taking these fish heads into the Bradman, PRANCIS head inthe Braden ‘rout heads in Germany! CHRISTINE isle lone om stage fora long period, She gig, vl looks around but basically ands stack il arng atthe Compton der: ALPIE sats coming up the stars FRANCIS rashes ou, ses Bradan dor, picks wpa fh head. FRANCIS: Watch that door now! (CHRISTINE hold the Bradinan har cs, FRANCIS goes ita the Compton suite eth oe plate) Germany in Almonds! CHRISTINE ses ALPTE coming up the stars, and giggles. FRANCIS mas out ofthe Compton, ses AL grabs CURISTINE and phe ‘er and stash bac Bebind the WG. Gre ALFIE: Got yer wine here son FRANCIS: Lovely, can you open them for us. Tm busy ‘FRANC IStakes vt the Bradman, and sete the Claret and taken to the Bradman. ALS laos vod fora oracee, ALFIE: Corkscrew? Corkscrew, (a2 finds a corse, comes dewnstage and tert to open the ‘apes but oe se hi nat having the strengeh opal open te cr. ‘Heeventually bend oon puts th bot tec i ft, onda ‘up. Nathing, He tks athe Dot end this time he has the Bo, stands on thet halo th ark sere end ris tl wp. Again tating, He stds the bole agin and pulls ati with is hand. ‘This tin the cnt ree an he hack himself oe. PRANCIScomer oat of the Bradman, sts ALEUE ncorcias onthe fon) FRANCIS: Christine! [leave you on your awn for two minutes! ‘What happened. (CHRISTINE think he banged his head FRANCIS: Banged his head? Why don't you help then? 6 ONE MAN, THO GUVNIORS STANLEY open the door of the Gomptom and CHIRISTINE hides ack behind WG. Henshall! Wheres may ~ He tands oer the Body) (Aside) Good God! Colonel Mustard inthe ballroom with the lead pipe! And there's my wine, Tha's Grand Cau Can't pill hat. What a waste Is this ene dead? (He pis Me wine wp) FRANCIS: He's go a pacemaker, Isuppose I could just tu it ‘pa note see what happens. (rman turns fish the pacemaker da. ALPE loops ap eed ert tarng crv the room ot an indie pace) FRANCIS: Stop him! ip him up! cit. apes the (Aus tags int te radian dor ands off RACHEL oe. ‘Braden os ou, FRANGISruns to doe and pushes RACHEL back nad sls dors STANLY picks antgaphd cricket ‘at off the eal ad whacks him in be fae, okich ender im teconcons equi, STANLY goo into his rom. FRANCIS heels Beside ALP GARE is climbing the stairs creying coun of arth of whi he eto the carer oly) CGARECH: What's happened to Ale? FRANCIS: His pacemaker packed up I think. ‘GARETH: Let me have ago. (GARETH keds and fds withthe ‘paceraher) ‘Should be set on thrve, How come he had it on nine? [RANCIS: For the stair, ALE wakes up, And gts wp. GARETH There you go ALTIE: Morning! COARETH: Morning AM, ALTE: Lovely day fori: Don’ let che bastards grind you ‘down, 7 RICHARD BEAN ALPE heads of dense perfetly normally (GARETH: Carré e'agneau. Crown of lamb, anne exis FRANCIS: Ob, look at this Chitin Patterson! Lamb chops ‘Where's the stash!? Come ont CHARS pens withthe aren FRANCS eparates te chops ‘and puts the remainder inthe taeen RACTIBL: (Off) Francs FRANCIS: Get back behind the WG, Pat your head in the hole this time. That's what its fo, RACHEL appears Yes guv..your lamb chops, a trolley, carved at the table. ACHE ges bau in the Brine, at FRANCIS heads for the ‘Bradman with hte jut ax STANLEY opens th Compt door [RANCIS slams the Bradman doer shut ad spins erund. ‘STANLEY: Hens) FRANCIS: Yes guvt Lamb oa wheels carved up as you watch by the table, STANLBY heads bac int the Compton fled by BRANES. On (he tveshad ofthe Compton RACHEL opens the Bradman deve RACTUEL: Feancis!? ‘RANCIS hicks the Compton room door coed, spins arvund with the dad, FRANCIS: Yes uv! Where did you ga L was right behind you and then, ‘RACINE oe back nt the Bradman quickly iced by FRANCIS and rly RACHEL class tie dor behind him, STANLEY ens the Compton dar as A150 arises a the op ofthe stairs STANLEY: Henshall? (Let) Where's he gone? EN (ONE MAN, THO GUVNORS ALE: Please don't hurt me Stan, bemused, ath back na the Compton, clsng the dor ‘PRANCIS comes out of the Bradman with he tole. FRANCIS: What you got there Ale?! [ALTE Roast potatoes. FRANCIS: Aight! Tm coming throught! FRANCIS pushes the tle towards the Compton picking up ALFIE ‘tthe oly ashe ues, STANLEY open the dora they erp ‘esd hi it the room. Enter GARETH withthe Crip Suzie ingradints ad equipment. Ener FRANCIS with ALI on hs back, piggyback style PRANCIS, ancremuniouly dps ALATE end he fale down the sti ‘GARETH: Crépe Suzete. When you were raining in Ashby de "a Zouch, did they teach you how to do a proper crépe? PRANCIS: Yah. Crepe, Liqueur, matches, what could possibly go wrong? (GARETH ests davai) Christine, Now! Take this soup off the stage. (CHRISTINE appears fom beknd the WG and comes down tthe table) Dao you know how to do ertpe surat? Do you serve it and set fire toi or et fire to itand serve it You haven'e got achue have you? Let's get you and the stash ack down there. FRANCIS pe back that CHRISTINE ca lean vr ad ick up ‘te ture, STANLY open the dor fom the Campton STANLEY: (Of) Henshall FRANCIS cocker CHRISTINE to dew the tbl FRANCIS: Hide! Get down! STANLEY; Problem! This wine cannot be Grand Cru, Taste that. SZAVLEY gies RANGIS a glass which FRANCIS des in ‘me What do you reckon? Is it Papes? PRANCIS:No. AetlyTdhink it's quite good. 38 RCHARO BEAN STANLEY: Ail Crepe Suzette, Go on then. Hove to wate. Grand Maraier burning Goon. You need more than that man! (RANCIS dps the ft piling liquid onto theta.) Whoops dairy. CRANCIS ‘igh the igen) Look a dat beau (Planes shot up everywhere) PRANCIS/STANLLY: Fie! Fire! (CIIRASLONE backs eu fom under the tbl, FRANCES ces ug of toler oxer her, STANLEY gets a fire extinguisher and dren CHRISTINE from head to 06 with foam. She ands thee ever in fom like a ied cae) PRANCIS: Alright, Ladies and Genelement Don't ory Nobody isinjaced. (Diret ars.) What 1 suygest we do ake ieee ‘minute interval ere. You ean have a drink. We'e going ‘ofl oue Health and Safety forms, But Udit, I {served two guviors, and theyre sill none the wiser, ‘and most important of al, I yet ta eat! See you in fice minutes. Have a good interval! ater (ONE Ma, TWO GuVNOAS Act Two SCENE ONE Round the back of CHARLIE CLANGHS house. The ding sgn reads = SCRAP METALS or CHARLIE CLENCH sap metal ~ anda ag gn ads Ferre end non-Ferows, Copier and York Stone. ALAN, ares, determine. He takes ou a ifs Eater HARRY DANGLE. ALAN: Destiny, Destiny. Destiny. Whats destiny? IFyou're bus, your destiny isthe bus tation. And if you talk to buses, as I do, they tell you that their destiny is wet deep in their busy souls its inescapable, itis The Timetable, ‘uses laugh a lave. Ha! Love is ul, very Hf destiny is steel Me produces bitchen kif DANGLE: Orlando?! What are you doing here? ALAN: My honour has been fiddled with said T would ceturn and take my kevenge ~ ef silat, DANGLE: Where did you get that knife? ALAN: Woolies DANGLE; Putitaway boy. We, dhe educated lasses, have four own weapons; the law; contract; and my particular spacial ~ sagnipodatiaverhic ALAN: Words? DANGLE: Not just words, words «foot and half long. ALAN: If ssgupedaia verbs fils, i Charlie reuses to allow me ‘o marry Pauhine, el hie he will have this to deal with, He lst kif nt. ALAN exits DANGLE knobs om the dow. (one opens it CHART; What? icHaRo BEAN DANGLE: Have the impediments before Alan's mariage to Pauline been removed as I demanded? HARLI:Na. And ian’ my fa Thought Rose wae dead. ” = DANCE You precau conmc wh ose vanated Inorde tees lef meta ee ey sds uh ania eo soa sn onmn av cancsptn ef mage The cats Iya et ephenralan insouresing flowing Heo Cra own micas era i Adal nenp of Besce Pre, fc. [After this, therefore because of this.) ween CHARLIE Wat young toy? DANGLE Ye wp shi reek who! pede (CHARLIB: In my world there's code, Isn't writen down, there's no books, but i's code ike the law. [ain't gt 0 choice, but to abide by i ANGLE: On reflection I am not sute that I want my som to dive into che fetid pond thats your family, (Ake DANGLE.) (CHARLIE: Yeah, yea. Pauline's gonna marry Roscoe and that's tha. And Pi give you some Latin for a change. Que sera sera (Est DANGLE CARLA tars to ge bach indus, ner ALAN) Bugger ine,’ Erol lyn! ALANS Tet true? (CHARLIE: Yeah tis rue, yeah What? ALAN: Is Pauline to marry Roscoe Crabbe? (CHARLIE: That’ right, Wait here, YU get you a presents list. ALAN aes the kif, meron de embarrased by it realy, ALAN: Do not torment mel? Lam no longer responsible for ty actions, Tam dangerous mpd, Hea wap a shop window. " “” 2 (ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (CHARLIE: Where did you get that kasfo? ALAN; Wools (CHARLIE: What you gonna do with t sunshine? ALAN: Dont push mel Tean do it (CHARLIE: No, you can" "Cans tis is ral, it ain't play. ALAN bnge tscard CHLARLIF, CHARLIE are the kf Dering fra, they are ina clench with CHARLLE holding the knife arma, (CHUARLAE als ont is back. CHARLIE isa the merey of ALAN, tuo plas the aif aginst CHARLEY mack RACHEL: Alan? ALAN: Don't come any neaeer Roscoe! Iwill, ean! RACHEL: Whore did you get that knife? ‘ALAN: WOOLLIES! She ae ov flied Aiea fit open. cl gold, she eal hing. Sh asp o ALAN an plc th psa of the Iie de is chi. RACHEL It a he hae ta’ dangerous. I's dhe ownes. “ho that away MAN: No. ame ere tll Chae RACHEL: You dost want ll Chas, you want kill me. Bat you ca because, in the pit second it woud ak to rave your am, ny kale wl e sorting out your toni. ‘Gr have you had your tonsils removed? ALAN: No, Fe sill got them. ater 218 fom the use PAULINE: Roscoe! Please, don kill Alan, he don't mean so army he's only acting! Where'd yer~... (PIOLINE, ‘sett, ka the ie) ALAN: Woolworths On the high ses, Hardware and Titles! (ALAN, rah this un fre as is Aes RACHEL is ity) @ RCHARO BEAN RACHEL: Pl spare him, for your sake, my darling, And T expect You, in return, to do mea favour, that is to respect our PAULINE: do, il ALAN stands the ation of whic leases CHARLIE, cho ala stand. DOLLY appears at he winds. She's watching and lenin, (CHARLIR:Is tha it then? "Cause I've gota cup of tea going cold in there, PAULINE: Yeah, go indoors dad ACHts Charlie! Ie’ gone three oelock and Taint got my ‘money, IARLIE: Go indoors Roscoe, I'l sort it for you. (CARLA hols the door ope for RACHEL, wh enters: (CHARI: Alan? A word, ALAN urs CHARLIB. CHARIS nat hi, ALAN ellis, Bs indoors couse, PAULINE; Ave you but my lover ALAN: How can you love me and keep secrets with another ‘man!? A man who ealls you ‘daving” PAULINT: I can't explain, Is too complicated. ALAN: Have you been with him? PAULINE: Been where? ALAN: Bed PAULINE: Not God! Alan. Really, absolutely no, not eves ALAN: The lady doth protest too much methiaks. PAULINE: T'm a virgin! Stil. You know Lam. ALAN: Don't june ‘ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS PAULINE: 'm saving myself for you Alen fr when we'e maried when we can doit vo ore times wed egal She gr hi, be ter xi sh fl the i ALAN: No! think ths shared secrets tht youve ays loved hi, Why would he come here o Brighton to sec You out ve by inviation, Youve boviched hm ke Souwe bewitched me, wth your itl prick ease You play Tine na penny wie Toate you PAULINE. 'm gonna go do meslfin thn, (PAULINE ses the Ane Sheps 9p.) ‘Se ls he gfe th hanson ls agin er rr ace ss kaigthe desta oh il fal ford ot he Ane til el oka fh igh do Doty: eno worth it ove. He'd andere and watch you do and vo rie a fige, Lok at him, You're not the great romani lover are you? Youre abit awa Let se give you some ace. Men, they do anything to You nt ed. Le, chet, by’ you a bed And he raged Tene they're bed yon thoy nave war ou Gl a such ever og (dsc) Don ae ote gy hte’ handout thee ‘ena teas he fe ase tahes 1002s hand nd tds PAULINE: (Taf) T can’t believe you woulda let me kill rmeselt. You're heartless, gonna die anyway, cause 1 ‘art ive with this pain, And when I'm deed I want you to know that il be you wot Killed me, PAULINE exits ita the oss, DOLLY maces fo fill but stays sting, surety, ALAN: Fray, thy name fs woman! DOLLY: You want to watch your tongue young man, sagging: sus women off. ts 1963, there's a revolution coming, I predict in owenty yeas time therell be a woman in ten Downing Stee, yeah, and she won't be doing the washing 6 up. Then youl see exactly what women ean do, You'll see a more just and fir society. The feminine voice of ‘compassion forthe poor wil be the guiding principle of government and there be an end to foreign wars, DOLLY cases the dor and gone ad of coe SCENE TWO. ‘The pub frecort. Mid- morning, PRANCIS i iting enoying the se, perkaps epost fod cigar FRANCIS: So I've eaten. Now after a lovely big meal there's couple of dhings I jut caress doing, One is havi alte smoke ~ Drag on igor Than he its tack and farts) And that’s the ober. Beautiful Now, some of you out there, who understand your commedia dear, your ‘numa eaters, your Guardian eaders, might ao be asking yourselves, if the Harlequin, that’s me, has now ‘eaten what will be his motivation in dhe second act. Has Anyone here said tht? Perhaps i am attempt to impress ‘dae, No, Good. Nice to know we don’t have any dicks i tonight. My character, Francis, hast find new :motivation to drive his actions in the second hal, Your job Isto try and work out what tha might be. Enter DOLLY, mint shirt, boob. She does see PRAMS FRANCIS aces athe. Maes macy, lf fe for imsof Adj is tackle DOLE; Palin's leita fr Roscoe. itn one leter 9 Alan today, and one FRANCIS: Are we gong then? Majorca? DOLLY; (Aside) Oh sim. Ike him. Te gota leter here for your gle. Can Itrst you with it? FRANCIS: ‘Confidential is my middle name. « (ONE MAN, TWO GUYNORS DOLLY: What are your other names? FRANCIS: Francs... Henshall DOLLY: So your fall mame is Francis Cnfdeal Hensal? PRANCIS: AL your service, gorgeous. OLY: (Aside) Calling a woman gorgeous is patronising, ‘and chauvinis,ebvlously, ut since [fancy him rotten, and TThaven't had a proper sorting out fora while II forgive bin, (FRANCS, You've got honest eyes. PRANCIS: Thank you. Baby. DOLLY: No trouble. Big oy. FRANCIS: A fiend of mine likes you. OLY: Whats his name? FRANCIS: Paddy. DOLLY: What's he lok like? FRANCIS: Could bea fl star onty: Godzilla? PRANCIS: He's good looking lad. He's er...big boned. DOLLY: And how di he ge big bones? [PRANCIS: The usual, Nature /nurtare DOLLY: Partly genetic, partly pies? FRANCIS: He likes his fod, yea ‘DOLLY: Does he prefer eating or making love? PRANCIS; (Asde,) Manan, Tough one tha innit ‘Would you lke to meet him? DOLLY: wouldn't want to interrupt him if he's eating [PRANCIS:I'l go and get him. Stay there. Don't pat your asses 0, a NCHARD BEAN {BUANCES ener tein DOLLY: (Aside) Pve done alot worse We've all dane alot ‘worse haven't we gis? We've all woken up ‘the morning after the night befor’ taken ane look al the somry state of the bloke lying next us, and we've al leapt out of bed, sat down and writen tour MPs demanding that cequila should bea controlled drug. Bear.) Just me den? RANGES ret fi the, FRANCIS: (rh accent) Now hello there! Pm Patrick, Me fiends call me Paddy and Pm in love wth you, Lam so, DOLLY: Are you really? FRANCIS: Yes, I'm a hopeless case 'm like a cork, tossed on ‘an ocean of desi DOLLY: I that dificult? FRANCIS: Ies exhausting, Thre’s only x0 much tossing a mun ‘an endure grew this vose for you now, Idd, so, aye. DOLLY: That's very sweet of you FRANCIS: Any chance ofa kiss? (Th kis) Pa etter go now, 1 leftme horse an x double yellow RABCHS ext, DOLLY: Hes like a big kid. Pv always ike that ina oan, immaturity: RNs ret, FRANCIS: What do you reckon to Pudy? D'yer ike him? DOLLY: Why can't you, Fran, a8 Francs, just ask me out for ‘adite? FRANCIS: I've asked you to goto Majorca, DOLLY: can just go to Majorea with you, We need to go on date fie TPRANCIS: Alright os ‘ONE MAN, Two GUVNDAS (Aide) What’ a good first date from the gis point of ‘view? She's gotto feel relaxed, secue, net under pressure Er. (fa D011.) Dolly? Fow about me and you, you know, 1 ‘was wondering, Sanuday, Saturday aflernoon, not evening, no pressure, would you like o go ona rabbit shoot? DOLLY I think you should take me to the pictures, and we can have dinner aflerwards. We could give the relationship a 0, see's got logs. [FRANCIS And ifit hast got legs, and neither of ws can stand ‘up, well have to find semething that both of us can do lying dove. DOLLY: You've got everything worked out haven’ you Francis? PRANCIS: 'm a man, We pla We don't just walk into things with our eyes cowed, doing stl because it eed right, Tike you women do, DOLLY: (Asie) (A lot the anime.) FRANCIS: Everything needs planing, Love is no diferent from... dunno, building a new petrol station. You can’. bald the shop before you've sunk the reservoirs. ‘DOLLY: Surely you can build the shop before you sink the eservoirsif you don’t buld te shop dieclly on top ofthe [PRANCIS: Ugh Look, you're not gonna win dis argument “cause Pve actually built a petrol station, ‘And it was crucial that we sank the reservois before we built the shop or we would have had toa) build the shop 1b) knock it down ¢ sink te reservoirs cl build the shop, ‘Which might well be how a woman would build a petrol station, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that approach apart fom the fact that i's brainless! DOLLY Tl tell you how a woman would bud a petrol sation Shed make suze there was enough land so that you could ROHARO BEAN factor in a pleasant walk fromthe pump, to dhe sh Maybe ay abitofalawa down. " FRANCIS: lawnt? ‘DOLLY: With some flowers, And a rockery, And somevitere Torte kids to play, " FRANCIS: Kids ~ POLLY: ~ And a separate oie block fr the women which has ‘he times as many cubicles as the mens! FRANCIS: What do you need all dat for, i's petrol station? DOLLY: Yes, but i could be aie petrol sation? FRANCIS: Nobody in their right mind wants petrol stations to bbe nice. It's a bloody petrol sation! I's not gonna work i J@ Men and women, Me and you. DOLLY: No, FRANCIS: That's shame, Cause I really fey you DOLLY: Thank you. I've always wanted o bea sx objec. PRANCIS: It's beter than not beinga sex objet innit? DOLLY: Uurght FRANCIS: We're supposed to be going to Majorca, DOLLY: You can” deliver Majorca Francis. You're a loser, FRANCIS: Who's his eter for again? DOLLY: Your guvnor. (He tarts apen it) Don open it FRANCIS: T have to find out who its for! DOLLY: Just give ito your bos FRANCIS: IT'S NOT AS EASY AS THAT! OLLI can’ see what tbe problem — FRANCIS: LOOK There's no name ou the envelope DOLLY: What do you need a name fort? 70 (ONE May, Wo GUNS FRANCIS; BECAUSE... BECAUSE... I CAN'T TELL YOU. T'S VERY COMPLICATED AND REALLY YOU DONT WANT T0 KNOW? FRANCIS collapses end sats raking atteically Enter RACHEL ‘ith CHARLIE. Tay sand and view FRANCIS rcking (CHARLIE; What's up Dally? DOLLY: Nodes. RACHEL Francis! Stop this Whats chatt? DOLLY: Isa leer. For you FRANCIS stop roking suddenly and tends PRANCIS: DOLLY.) WHY DIDN'T YOUJUST SAY IT WAS FOR ROSCOE?” DOLLY ates dramatically on the lor, and ck catatanical,.

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