Chapter 1

Laughter, especially his, especially of my dearest mothers, has made me feel loose,
disconnected, and so out of order. I hate it. If I listen hard enough and silence the music
ringing in my ears, I can hear their grating voices, their laughter. I despise it. My scent has
never been so engulfed of alcohol as it does now, my memory of this night’s a blur, and it
certainly doesn’t help that the wind is much stronger up here. Right now, I feel so light and so
high, dangling my legs and swaying my body along the music. The sight here is magical, and
so lovely. The clouds are so near, I feel as though if I reach far enough, I would be able to
touch them, hold them.
I, sometimes, in moments like this, think of death, what would happen if I died? Would I
simply become non-existent? Is heaven or hell real? If then, where would I go? I had helped
people as I can, using my privileges and my knowledge. although this may be true, I believe I
don’t have such a pure heart. I have done no sins, had made no ill actions towards others, but
even so, even then, I still couldn’t have it in myself to think of being deserving of heaven.
Maybe thinking about death isn’t the best idea as I am currently sitting on the railings of
my balcony, at the highest floor of this apartment building. But I couldn’t help it as my life
has never been so out of order. For the past five years, it has been like tangled strings, making
it impossible to untangle, deemed unusable. I loathe it. I hate feeling this way, but I am, and I
don’t even know what to do about it, I didn’t know what to do about it for the past years. My
family was never known to be affectionate.
“Ahh, seriously… I never really cared about them for most of my life. I only really care about
their money and the privileges they gave me”.
Breathing out, everything seems clearer now that I’m sober, the music is louder than I
remembered, violin being played, accompanied with piano. though I started with a more slow
and relaxing music, the one playing now is much more intense, erratic, almost chaotic.
Maybe I should get down from here, I have work to do early in the morning. But I must’ve
placed my hands incorrectly, or maybe I must have been still a bit too drunk. Before I know
it, the wind is going against my face as I was falling rather quickly, the music fading the
farther I fall. It’s hard to keep my eyes open, and seconds later I could see the city. It was
night time but it was bright and lively. A much more enchanting and phenomenal sight, I
can’t help but closing my eyes, it’s as if looking straight to the sun, so bright yet too much to
handle. Perhaps, right now, my questions are being answered…
suddenly, I was no longer falling, coldness engulfs my entirety, I feel as though I’m
floating, like I’m underwater. Am I underwater? The sound of the wind is no longer there, in
fact, I can’t hear anything, and so I open my eyes. bubbles coming out as I tried to breath.
why? How? I was falling and now I’m drowning. Is this heaven, perhaps? I mean, I’m not
surrounded by flames, surely. Being underwater made me more sober and my survival
instinct is stronger than ever. I tried to swim up, hold my breath and not to panic, but my
body is still sore from partying the entire night, it didn’t take long for my limbs to get tired.
Panic seeps into my bones as every second spent, I feel myself losing consciousness. But
before I could think any longer, someone grabbed me, and my body gets lunge upward into
the surface. Being able to breathe again, coughing out water. The sudden light blinded me,
and it was hard to see, squinting my eyes I could make up a shadow Infront of me, standing
over me.