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Helping Children Set Healthy Boundaries

Parenting Boundaries define the space between individuals, reflecting their expectations for
acceptable treatment from others. Teaching children about boundaries is like a roadmap
Exercise
for healthy friendships and connections. This process involves recognizing behaviors and
30 min situations that make them feel comfortable or uncomfortable [1].
Client
It’s crucial to teach children about healthy boundaries from a young age - an early
No understanding of their limits makes it easier to establish boundaries in adulthood.
Children’s sense of personal boundaries is also integral to their social and emotional
development [2]. Indeed, studies demonstrate positive long-term effects of early boundary
setting on interpersonal relationships and personal well-being. In contrast, poorly defined
boundaries in childhood can lead to difficulties in later relationships [3].

Boundaries for children often revolve around what they are comfortable with regarding
physical interactions and emotional exchanges. These boundaries help children understand
and communicate their comfort levels with physical touch and proximity, for example.
Such boundaries are essential for children as they navigate various social interactions,
helping them feel secure and respected [4].

By establishing clear boundaries, children can articulate their needs and assert themselves
appropriately [4]. This exercise will help children understand, set, and express personal
boundaries using a metaphor, conceptualizing personal space and boundaries as a house
with a protective fence.

Author

This tool was created by Lorena Berber.

Goal

The goal of this exercise is to help children understand, set, and express personal
boundaries using a metaphor where personal space and boundaries are conceptualized as
a house with a protective fence.

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Advice

■ Parents should ensure their child feels safe and comfortable to express themselves
openly during the exercise. Choose a calm and safe environment where they can
engage without many distractions. Emphasize that it’s okay to take their time to
identify their feelings about different behaviors.
■ Keep explanations of boundaries clear and straightforward, avoiding complex
terminology. Remember, this activity aims to lay the foundation and introduce the
idea of boundaries that can be built on over time.
■ This exercise can be repeated so children can identify new, important boundaries as
they grow and their experiences evolve.
■ When practicing “I” statements (step 4), parents can engage in role-playing scenarios
to help their child practice using “I” statements in various situations.

References

1. National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2019). Fostering healthy

mental, emotional, and behavioral development in children and youth: A national agenda.
Washington, DC: The National Academies Press.

2. Berk, L. E. (2009). Child development. Pearson.

3. Johnson, S. M. (2010). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating

connection. Routledge.

4. Mackenzie, R. J. (1998). Setting limits: How to raise responsible, independent children by

providing CLEAR boundaries. Harmony.

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Helping Children Set Healthy Boundaries

Personal boundaries reflect what makes your child feel comfortable or uncomfortable, such as certain
behaviors or things people say. They’re like personal rules for how your child wants to be treated.

Understanding how to set and express boundaries is a vital skill for children to learn. It can help them feel
safe, share their preferences, and interact respectfully with others while protecting their personal space.

This exercise will help your child understand, identify, and communicate their boundaries using a house and
fence metaphor to visualize their personal space, preferences, and boundaries.

Step 1: Understanding boundaries

Before helping your child identify and express their boundaries, they should understand what boundaries
are and why they are important. You can use the following text to help discuss personal boundaries with
your child.

Everyone has boundaries - these are things we feel uncomfortable with other people doing. Boundaries are like a
fence that protects a house and keeps it safe. You can choose what behaviors you allow inside the fence (things you
like) or outside the fence (things you don’t like).

Next, ask your child to draw a picture of a house with a fence around it (see Appendix for an example).

Optional: Children can color their drawings to help them engage with the activity and make the process
more enjoyable.

Step 2: Outside the fence (identifying boundaries)

In this step, you will help your child identify specific behaviors and interactions with others that they don’t
like. This could include hitting, biting, hair-pulling, name-calling, bullying, being made fun of, or being asked
to keep a secret, to give a few examples. They may have experienced these behaviors themselves or seen
them happening to someone else.

When your child has identified three boundaries, write the disliked behaviors or situations on their house
drawing outside the fence (see example in Appendix).

To help your child think about actions and behaviors they don’t like, you can ask questions like:

■ Why don’t you like this?

■ How do you feel when this happens?

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Step 3: Inside the fence (identifying preferences)

In this step, you will help your child identify behaviors they feel comfortable with and like. This could
include behaviors like hugs, fist bumps, kindness, caring, sharing, respect, honesty, and high-fives, to give a
few examples. Again, they may have experienced these behaviors themselves or seen them happening to
someone else.

When your child has identified three behaviors they like and feel comfortable with, write them on the house
drawing inside the fence (see example in Appendix).

To help your child think about actions and behaviors they prefer, you can ask questions like:

҄ Why do you like this?

҄ How do you feel when this happens?
҄ Who do you feel comfortable doing this with?

Step 4: Expressing boundaries

This step will help your child communicate their boundaries assertively but respectfully.

Children can learn to share their boundaries calmly but firmly by creating “I” statements. These statements
can be used by your child when they feel a boundary is being crossed (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when…” or
“I don’t like when…). Examples of “I” statements include:

■ I don’t like being tickled; I prefer a high five.

■ I don’t want you to do that; I don’t like it.
■ I want you to ask before borrowing my things.

With these statements in mind, ask your child what they will say if someone does or says something that
crosses their boundaries (identified in step 2). Encourage them to develop their own “I” statements based on
their boundaries and write these down in the space below:

Statement 1:

“I”…

Statement 2:

“I”…

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Statement 3:

“I”…

At this point, encourage your child to practice their “I” statements so they become more familiar with them
and can use them confidently when needed.

Step 5: Responding to crossed boundaries

Your child must know what to do when boundaries are crossed. So, help your child identify trusted adults
they can talk to if this happens (like a parent, teacher, or family friend). You can say, “If someone does
something you don’t like and doesn’t listen to your “I” statement, who will you go to for help?” Write these
names down on the house drawing.

Next, encourage your child to do the following when someone crosses their personal boundaries:

■ Say your “I” statement clearly and calmly, just like we practiced.
■ If the behavior doesn’t stop, tell one of your trusted adults what happened.

Step 6: Reflection

■ After completing this exercise, what have you learned about your child’s preferences and boundaries?
■ Have you noticed any positive changes (in your child’s behavior or confidence) since they learned about
setting boundaries? If so, what changes have you noticed?
■ Have you observed your child using their “I” statements in real-life situations? If so, what happened?
■ Did you encounter any challenges during this exercise? If so, how did you address them?

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Appendix: Example house drawing

In this example, the child’s preferences are clearly labeled within the fence (in green) with boundaries listed
outside the fence (in red).

Hi f rom ad
gh s gs d
Fiv u mp Hu and
Na e tB m
m eC
s
Fis mu
all
ing
ing
sh
Ha Pu
ir Pu
lling

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