Secrete de familie si tabuuri

Family Secrets and Taboos

Partea 1. Secretele de familie

Part 1: The conceptualization of family secrets

Cati dintre dumneavoastra aveti secrete ??? Secrete ascunse care

va macina ? Cati dintre dvs stiti ca parintii v-au ascuns ceva important legat de familie ,
bunici , matusi ?
How many of you have secrets? Hidden and dark secrets that consume you to the point of exha
ustion? How many of you know whether your parents did hide important things from you to keep secr
et around facts and information about your family, grandparents, aunts?
Nu vi s-a intamplat sa fiti foarte atenti la soaptele parintilor , sa fiti intrigati de faptul ca in
anumite momente cand se intreba ceva despre un membru al familiei, despre un eveniment sa se
schimbe subiectul, sa se discute in soapta ? Nu ati surprins reactii ciudate pe care nu vi
le explicati ale parintilor, bunicilor la auzul unui sunet, unui cantec, unui anumit zgomot sau miros ??
Didn't it happen to you to become suddenly intrigued when your parents whisper in their conve
rsations and you want to hear what they have to say? Didn’t happen to you to witness a change in subj
ect or
more whispering exactly when you could hear questions or comments made about a family member?
Didn't it happen to you to capture strange and unexplainable reactions of your parents, grandparents
when they heard a sound, a song, a certain noise or felt a smell?
Secretele de familie sunt subiecte fierbinti . Sunt precum "cartofii incinsi " de care ne
debarasam cat mai repede si pe care ii trecem din mana in mana , fiecare mana arzandu-se in treacat ,
din generatie in generatie . Intr-o oarecare masura ele creaza un clivaj al personalitatii : o parte
care stie si o parte care nu vrea sau nu poate sa stie nimi . Este ca o trauma care
se intoarce si izbeste violent, ca o rana deschisa care are nevoie sa fie scoasa la lumina si lasata libera,
o tanguire care se vrea auzita, inteleasa si vazuta, luata in seama, ba chiar tratata, sprijinita
si continuta printr-un adevarat ajutor terapeutic de sustinere.
The family secrets are hot topics. They are like "hot potatoes" that people want to get rid
of because they are burning and want to pass them as quick as possible from one to another. Similarly,
people may want to pass from one to another, fro generation to generation the darkest family secrets r
ooted in the shame or broken rules. To some extent this reaction creates a cleavage of personality: a
part who knows versus a part who does not want or is not able of knowing anything.
It is similarly to those situations when people re- experience past traumas which strikes
violently (retraumatization), like an open wound that needs to be brought to light, healed, and freed-
up, like a wailing waiting to be heard, understood and taken into account, healed and contained
through a sustainable therapeutic plan that makes a real difference.

Secretele de familie nu se opun adevarului, ci comunicarii.

Family secrets do not obstruct the truth, but undermine communication.

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Secretele familiale se transmit prin intermediul inconştientului familial şi participă împreună cu
miturile şi poveştile familiale la crearea unor scenarii de viaţă care se repetă din generaţie în generaţie.
Împreună alcătuiesc ceea ce poartă numele de „transmisie psihică transgeneraţională” .
Family secrets are transmitted through the familial unconscious and in conjunction with
myths and family stories are creating life scenarios that repeat from generation to generation.
Together they form what is called “transgenerational psychic transmission”.

Secretul nu este simbolizat doar prin cuvinte, ci şi prin alte canale de comunicare:
mimica, intenţiile, posturile corporale, susţine Serge Tisseron. Acest tip de comunicare
între părinţi îşi pune amprenta asupra modului de a gândi, de a simţi şi de a imagina al copilului. De
multe ori, perturbările pe care le implică modul de comunicare al părinţilor activează zona imaginativă
a copilului. Ceea ce nu poate fi spus, poate fi reprezentat.
According to Serge Tisseron, the secret is not only symbolized by words, but also by other
communication channels: facial expressions, intentions, and body postures. This type of
communication between parents puts its mark on the child's way of thinking, feeling, and imagining.
Often, the disturbances involved in the parents’ communication activate the child's imaginative area.
What cannot be said, can be represented.

Un secret de familie inglobeaza doua aspecte:

1.evenimentul in sine
2.modul in care el este perceput (legat cel mai adesea de morala unei epoci ).

A family secret comprises of two main aspects:

1. the event itself, and
2. the way it is perceived (most often related to the morals of an era).

Secretul nu este ceva ce nu trebuie spus, pur şi simplu, ci este ceva care trebuie ascuns, pentru
că altfel ar leza pe cineva. Secretul este ceva care trebuie să rămână ascuns pentru a proteja pe cineva
de ruşine (S. Tisseron, 1992). Unul dintre membrii familiei a fost psihotic şi s-a sinucis, altcineva este un
copil din flori, altul a făcut închisoare. Acestea pot funcţiona ca secrete familiale, necesare prezervării
mitului familiei.
The secret is not something that should not be simply said, but it is something that should be hidden
because otherwise it would hurt someone. The secret is something that must remain hidden to protect
someone from shame (S. Tisseron, 1992). One of the family members was psychiatric affected and
committed suicide, someone else is a child from flowers, another was imprisoned. All these situations
can function as family secrets, and are necessary to preserve the myth of the family.

Serge Tisseron face o clasificare a secretelor în cartea sa Les transmission familliale de la honte.
El foloseşte trei criterii în acest sens:
Serge Tisseron makes a classification of secrets in his book, titled “Les transmission family from
Monte”. He uses three criteria as follows:
1. secrete legate de un eveniment ce ţine de viaţa privată şi secrete legate de un eveniment colectiv;
1. secrets related to an event originating in the private life and secrets related to a collective event.

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 Anumite secrete vizează un viol, o naştere ilegitimă, un incest, aspecte ce ţin de viaţa privată.,
afaceri ilicite, furturi , vieti double. Alte secrete se situează într-un context colectiv, cum ar fi
deportarea evreilor. (*** secretul mamei mele legate de "incest - un secret ce m-
a urmrit si dupa moartea ei ....)
Certain secrets relate to a rape, an illegitimate birth, incest, aspects related to privacy, illicit affairs,
theft, double lives. Others are related to a collective context such as the deportation of Jews. (*** the
secret of my mother about "incest” a secret that followed me after her death)

2. secrete privind conţinutul unui eveniment şi secrete privind existenţa însăşi a secretului;
2. secrets regarding the content of an event and secrets regarding the very existence of the secret;
In acest caz Tisseron se referă la acele familii al căror discurs sugerează existenţa unui secret al
cărui conţinut rămâne, însă, necunoscut. Ceea ce se transmite generaţiilor următoare este faptul că
există un secret, dar acest secret trebuie să rămână necunoscut. În mod paradoxal existenţa secretului
este declarată, dar conţinutul rămâne secret. În alte familii secretul nu este nici măcar amintit. Aceste
familii se confruntă, de obicei, cu probleme de patologie psihică.
In this case, Tisseron refers to those families whose story telling suggests the existence of a secret, but
its content remains unknown. What is being passed on to the next generations is that there is a secret,
but the core of the secret remains unknown. Paradoxically, the existence of secrecy is declared, but the
content remains secret. In other families, the secret is not even mentioned. These families usually face
psychiatric pathologies.

3. secrete legate de un eveniment care poate fi gândit, dar nu poate fi rostit şi secrete legate de un
eveniment la care nu dorim sa ne mai gandim sau sa il rostim
3. secrets related to an event that can be thought but cannot be told and secretes related to an
event that we no longer want to think about or say anything about.
Există secrete ştiute şi gândite, secrete împărtăşite de mai mulţi membri ai familiei, dar
nerostite. Ele pot fi îngropate odată cu dispariţia celor care împărtăşesc acest secret. Există, însă,
secrete asociate cu evenimente care au fost atât de traumatizante pentru cei implicaţi, încât ceea ce au
trăit devine de negândit. Tisseron preia observaţiile lui Primo Lévi, care susţine că o parte dintre
victimele lagărelor de concentrare, întrebate fiind de către nepoţii lor în legătură cu atrocităţile pe care
le-au suportat, au negat trăirea unor asemenea evenimente. Trăirea a fost atât de traumatizantă, încât
acel eveniment nu poate fi nici măcar gândit. Este vorba despre o formă extremă de clivaj,
spune Tisseron, care împiedică atât gândirea, cât şi simbolizarea evenimentului.
(**** Inchisorile comuniste, imi amintesc de parintele Arsenie Papacioc si de unchiul Petre, lagarele de
munca )
There are secrets known and well- thought about and silent secrets shared by
several family members, but which remain unspoken. They can be burried once those who share these
secrets disappear. However, there are secrets associated with events that have been so traumatizing
to those involved that what they have experienced becomes unimaginable and undeniably.
Tisseron builds
on the observations of Primo Lévi who claims that some of the victims of concentration camps when
asked by their grandchildren about the atrocities they suffered, they
denied the experience of such events. The intensity of their life experience was so traumatizing,
so that that event cannot even be imagined, believed and reproduced. According to Tisseron,

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this is anextreme form of clavation which prevents both thinking of and symbolizing the event.
(****The Communist prisons and labor camps bring back memories about Father Arsenie
Papacioc and Uncle Petre)

4. Secretele legate de relatii erotic afective

4. Secrets pertaining to emotional erotic relationships
Secretele legate de relaţiile erotic-afective din familie pot afecta scenariul prezent de alegere
partenerială. Persoanele afectate de astfel de secrete se prezintă în terapie reclamând
depresii şi anxietate legate de dificultăţi în găsirea unui partener/ partenere sau
în menţinerea unei relaţii. Refacerea memoriei afective transgeneraţionale cu
ajutorul genogramei aduce în prim plan secrete, care ies la iveală cu această ocazie şi care
privesc relaţii erotic-afective neconfirmate de membrii familiei, neacceptate de aceştia, în virtutea unor
mituri şi ritualuri familiale. Relaţiile cu parteneri deja căsătoriţi, „copiii din flori”, morţile dureroase sau
misterioase ale unor parteneri sau partenere sunt secrete care împiedică
disponibilitatea descendenţilor pentru relaţii parteneriale. Aceşti descendenţi sunt în incapacitatea de
a elabora psihic o relaţie partenerială din cauza „nespusului” din familie. Ei sunt prinşi în scenarii-
capcană şi în relaţii-capcană care întreţin pattern-ul de eşec partenerial.
Secrets pertaining to erotic-emotional relationships in the family can affect
the current scenario of choosing a partner. Persons affected by such secrets present themselves in
therapy by complaining of depression and anxiety stemming from difficulties in finding a partner or
maintaining a relationship. The restoration of transgenerational emotional memory by considering the
genogram brings to the foreground the secrets which come out to light with this occasion and prove to
be related to erotic- emotional relations not confirmed by family members, not accepted by them
by virtue of family myths and rituals. Romantic relationships with partners already married, “children
from flowers”, painful or mysterious death of love partners, are all secrets
that prevent descendants for having their own romantic relations. They are unable to mentally process
a romantic relationship because of a history of “untold secrets” in the family. They are stuck in trap
scenarios which feed into a pattern of failures in any romantic experience.

Exemplu : Situatia unei matusi care a fost parasita in ziua nuntii, s-a recasatorit, nimeni nu a vorbit
despre asta , era considerat o rusine , mai tarziu secretul ricoseaza in destinul fetei cele mici care are
o casatorie esuata, ramane insarcinata cu un alt barbat si este parasita inainte de a naste - de cate
ori in familie se aducea vorba despre Lilica se asternea tacerea, acelasi lucru s-a intamplat si cu
Ileana in ceea ce priveste paternitatea copilului sau , nimeni nu vorbea despre tata ... care pur si
simplu disparuse sau in familie se vorbea ca a fost chiar alungat .

Exemple: The situation of an aunt who was abandoned on the wedding day, remarried, no one talked
about it, was considered a shame, bounced back into the destiny of the little girl who has a failed
marriage, becomes pregnant with another man and is abandoned before giving birth - Every time the
family talked about Lilica, there was silence, the same thing happened with Ileana regarding the
paternity of her child, nobody talked about the father ... who had simply disappeared or in the family it
was said that he was even driven away.

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5. Secretele esentiale au drept obiect cuplul.
5. The essential secrets are about the couple.

Elisabeth Horowitz: "Relatia de cuplu sta la baza tututor celorlalte secrete legate de problemele
de filiatie, munca, bani, sanatate. Cuplu este radacina intregii creatii.Toate secretele provin mai ales
de la cele 4 cupluri fondatoare ale istoriei noastre familiale, cele patru cupluri formate
de strabunicii nostri. "
Elisabeth Horowitz: "The couple 's relationship is the basis of all the other secrets related to the
problems of family relationships, work, money, health. The couple is the root of the whole creation. All
the secrets come especially from the 4 founding couples of our family history, the four couples formed
by our great-grandparents."
Eliberarea de suferinta este posibila numai incepand sa se vada, sa se inteleaga, sa se dezgroape si sa
se "lucreze " secretul. Pentru aceasta este nevoie de un terapeut cu o mare putere de ascultare , care
sa depisteze fineturi .

The release of suffering is only possible when the secret is unveiled, understood, unhidden, and
"worked out". This process requires a highly skilled therapist, who demonstrate capacity to listen and
detect subtleties.

Cateva tipuri frecvente de secrete:

Common types of secrets:
Secretele asupra filiatiei (aproape toate familiile au genul acesta de secrete)
Cazuri de secrete legate de filiatie:
Secrets of filiation (almost all families have this kind of secrets)
Cases of secrets related to filiation:
1.Adultul nu stie ca este copilul unui amant al mamei , desi este recunoscut de tatal sau .
1. An adult does not know that is the child of a mother's lover, although is recognized by his/ her
father.
2.Adultul nu stie ca este copilul fratelui sau ( mama are o relatie cu cumnatul ....) este dificil de
demonstrat deoarece mostenirea genetica este aceeasi
2. An adult does not know that is the child of brother or (the mother has a relationship with the
brother-in-law ...) is difficult to prove because the genetic heritage is the same
3. Adultul nu stie ca este copilul bunicului ( matern cel mai adesea ), mama care se poate casatori
imediat , copilul este "adoptat" de sotul legitim si astfel se trece totul sub tacere .
3. An adult does not know that is the child of the grandfather (most often maternal), the mother
who can marry immediately, the child is "adopted" by the legitimate husband, and everything is
kept silent.
4. Adultul nu este copilul celei pe care o stie de mama sa, care de obicei este bunica pe linia materna.
Ca in cazul actorului Jack Nicholson care a aflat foarte tarziu ca cea pe care o considera sora era de fapt
mama sa.

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 4. An adult is not the child of the one he/her knows as mother, who is usually the maternal
grandmother. As in the case of actor Jack Nicholson who found out very late that the one he
considered his sister was in fact his mother.
5. Adevarata mama poate fi cineva din familie ( o matusa , o cumnata , uneori poate fi amanta sotului),
dar copilul este adoptat de sotia legitima si fotografiile de familie facute in ziua venirii pe lume par sa
confirme acest lucru.
5. The real mother can be someone in the family (an aunt, a sister-in-law, sometimes she can be
the husband's mistress), but the child is adopted by the legitimate wife and the family photos taken
on the day of birth seem to confirm it.
6. Adultul este copilul mamei sale, care a ramas insarcinata cu fratele sau. Incestul stim ca nu
este atat de rar intalnit. Avem situatia in care tatal biologic devine nasul copilului si astfel se incearca sa
se ascunda parentalitate biologica sub umbrela parentalitatii spirituale .
6. An adult is the child of his mother, who became pregnant with his brother. We know that incest
is not so rare. We have a situation where the biological father becomes the child's God Father thus
attempting to hide paternity under the umbrella of spiritual parenting.
7. Cazul in care copilul considera ca este unic la parinti, dar tatal sau are nenumarate aventuri si din
care rezulta copii .

7. The case in which the child considers that he is a single child to his parents, but the father has
countless adventures from which there are also other children.
In toate aceste situatii pot apare decompensari psihice, ba chiar a unei boli,
atunci cand copilul implineste varsta pe care parintele lui o avea in perioada in care l-a conceput.
In all these situations, multiple decompensations occur when mental-health or psychiatric disorder
deteriorates, and even disease can occur when the child reaches the age of his parent at the time the
child was conceived.
Secretele referitoare la bani si influenta lor asupra vietii corporale – constatam ca discutia despre
bani este considerata adesea tabu in marea majoritate a familiilor.
Secrets pertaining to money and their influence on body life – we find that talking about money is
often considered taboo in the vast majority of families.

Aceste tipuri de secrete au urmatoarele aspecte:

These types of secrets have the following characteristics:
1. Parintii isi lasa copiii sa creada ca sunt saraci, cand de fapt ei sunt zgarciti. Uneori parintii de acest tip
refuza sa isi ajute copiii punandu-i sa munceasca pentru a-si plati studiile, blocandu-le in acest caz
copiilor posibilitatea de a se implini (probabil copil in acea perioada este in plina efervescenta creativa
si este impiedicat datorita zgarceniei sa isi urmeze visul). De multe ori acesti bani se cheltuiesc aiurea
sau apar la moartea parintilor starnind cele mai diverse reactii.
1. Parents mislead their children to think they are poor, when in fact they are greedy.
Sometimes, this type of parents refuses to help their children and ask them to work and pay
for their studies, in this case blocking the children's ability to fulfill themselves (probably the
child at that time who exceeds in creativity and effervescence is inhibited to reach their full

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 potential and follow their dreams because of their parents’ greediness). Often, money are
being spend unwisely or become subject of tensions and fights when parents die.

2. Copilul crede ca familia sa este instarita, cand de fapt familia incearca sa mentina un standard care
nu corespunde situatiei lor financiare. Este ceea ce numim nevroza de clasa. Cel mai grav este
atunci cand familia are datorii si copilul nu stie acest lucru.
Desi constientul nu stie nimic, inconstientul percepe aceste lucruri si se ajunge la probleme
de sanatate (digestive, hepatice, insomnii tulburari de atentie).
2. The child believes that his family is wealthy, when, in fact, the family tries to maintain a
standard that does not correspond to their financial situation. This is what we call ‘class
neuroses’. The worst is when the family has debts, and the child does not know about that.
Although the consciousness knows nothing, the unconscious perceives these things and
somatize them leading to health problems (Gastrointestinal (GI), liver desease, hepatic,
insomnia, attention deficit).
3. Parintii si-au ajutat unul din copii in detrimentul altuia, gravitatea acestui lucru consta in faptul ca
este ascuns. Mai ales daca unul din copii este ajutat in mod inutil sau arbitrar.

3. The parents helped one of their children to the detriment of another, the severity of this
approaching being the fact that help is hidden. Especially, if the help provided to one of the
children is not worth-it or meaningless.
Ceea ce nu se exprima in cuvinte lasa urme si se exprima prin suferinte: limbajul trupului, trupul se
exprima prin gesturi sau suferinte, lasand sa se vada suferintele care nu pot fi redate in cuvinte sau
despre care nu se poate sau nu se stie sa se vorbeasca - traire corporala, memoria trupului, limbajul
trupului, expresie vizibila, dar in alt fel, adeseori tacita, imperativa, si inteleasa in mod confuz
(cateodata cu o interdictie de exprimare verbala clara).
What is not expressed in words leaves marks and is expressed through suffering: body language, the
body expresses itself through gestures or sufferings, revealing the sufferings that cannot be put into
words or that cannot be or cannot be talked about - bodily experience, body memory, body language,
visible expression, but otherwise, often tacit, imperative, and confusing (stemming from a prohibition
clearly articulated verbally).
Detinatorii secretului:
The Holders of a Secret:
O persoana se simte vulnerabila sau chiar in pericol atunci cand stie un secret pe care a jurat sa
nu-l dezvaluie. Cateva situatii in care detinatorul este pus intr-o situatie delicata:
A person feels vulnerable or even in danger when the person knows a secret and sworn not to
disclose. Some situations where the holder of the secret is placed in a delicate situation:
1. Parintele se afla pe patul de moarte si dezvaluie unuia dintre copii sau unei rude apropiate un
secret familial, insotind aceasta destainuire cu rugamintea de a
nu il spune celorlalti. Situatia devine foarte dificila pentru detinatorul secretului, mai ales daca
este un secret care afecteaza intreaga familie, daca este vorba de filiatie. Intr-un fel, aceasta
persoana se disociaza de restul familiei - mai ales atunci cand se angajeaza sa
nu dezvaluie secretul, iar acest angajament il iei, mai ales, in fata unui muribund.

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 1. The parent who is on his deathbed and reveals a family secret to one of the children or to a
close relative asking that this confession is kept secret from the others. The situation becomes
very difficult for the secret holder, especially if it is a secret that affects the whole family, if it is
a question of filiation. In a way, this person dissociates from the rest of the family since the
person promised not to reveal the secret, a commitment made in front of a dying person.

2. O persoana detine un secret legat de viata sentimentala sau de filiatie si il dezvaluie cuiva din
familie (frate, sora). Desi relatia dintre cele doua persoane devine mult mai apropiata, cel
care detine secretul are o responsabilitate foarte mare.
2. A person has a secret related to the sentimental life or filiation and reveals it to someone in
the family (brother, sister). Although the relationship between the two people becomes much
closer, the one who holds the secret has a great responsibility.
3. Toti membrii familiei stiu secretul, crezand, in acelasi timp, ca membrii familiei nu stiu nimic. Acestea
sunt legate de evenimente din istoria familial.
3. All family members know the secret, believing, at the same time, that family members know
nothing. These are related to events in family history.
4. Pacientul, copil fiind, asista la o scena al carei secret ar trebui sa il pastreze (incest, viol, sinucidere,
crima etc). Secretul ii garanteaza siguranta vietii, nu stim daca nu va impartasi acest lucru cu altii, dar
trauma este serioasa si va avea consecinta asupra sa.
4. The patient, has been exposed during the childhood to a scene involving a secret that should
be kept for life (incest, rape, suicide, murder, etc.). The secret guarantees safety, we do not
know if this person will not share it with others, but trauma is serious and will have an effect on
this individual.
5. Secretul este descoperit o generatie mai tarziu. Cu cat secretul este dezvaluit mai repede,
cu atat consecintele sale se diminueaza.
5. The secret is discovered a generation later. The sooner the secret is revealed, its
consequences diminish.

Greselile care se fac in privinta secretelor

Mistakes made about the secrets
1. Prima greseala este de a crede ca un copil caruia i se ascunde ceva ar putea ghici despre ce este
vorba. Copiii intuiesc, in general existenta unui secret, ei sunt atenti la modul in care vorbesc parintii, la
mimici, la gestica lor si acestea ii raman intiparite ...
1. The first mistake is to think that a child for whom something is hiding from him, can guess what
all about is. Children sense, in general, the existence of a secret, they pay attention to the way
their parents talk, to their facial expressions, to their gestures and all these remain imprinted in
their mind.
2. Cea de-a doua greseala pe care o facem e sa credem ca enuntarea adevarului va inlatura toate
problemele legate de secrete. Este important sa stim ca pentru a scoate la lumina secertul trebuie sa ii
ajutam pe membrii familiei sa faca fata schimbarilor psihice pe care
le antreneaza inevitabizl dezvaluirea secretului .

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 2. The second mistake we make is to believe that stating the truth will remove all problems related
to secrets. It is important to know that in order to bring the secret to light, we must help the family
members to cope with the mental challenges triggered inevitably by the disclosure of a secret.
3. Cea de-a treia greseala ar fi sa credem ca secretele de familie corespund unor
acte condamnanbile de care stramosii nostri s-ar fi facut vinovati. Realitatea e cat se poate de diferita:
majoritatea secretelor sunt legate de traume insuficient elaborate, adica nu suntem suficient
de pregatiti sa acceptam sa ne modificam credintele in urma unei noi experiente.
Avem experiente anterioare, acestea intrand in contact credintele si constrangerile societatii pot
deveni un obstacol in asimilarea unor "secrete".
3. The third mistake would be to believe that family secrets correspond to some incriminating
actions of our ancestors who have been guilty of. The reality is quite different: majority of the
secrets are linked to traumas that have not been properly discussed and addressed, meaning that
we are not sufficiently prepared to accept any change to our beliefs resulting from a new
experience. We have previous experiences and when these are interacting with the social norms
and society’s expectations can become an obstacle in assimilating some "secrets".
Orice transmitem la nivelul familiei implica o parte de adaptare si prin urmare de transformare. In
primul rand, urmasii au intotdeauna libertatea sa aleaga ce vor dintr-o mostenire: se poate
sa respinga anumite valori pe care parintii le-au considerat superioare. In al
doilea rand parintii descopera ca au transmis fara sa isi dea seama lucruri pe care ar dori sa
le pastreze secrete; ex: alcoolism, frici, stari agresive etc. Sa tinem cont ca in procesul transmiterii,
secretele au un statut aparte. Regula este transformarea.

Anything we pass on to our family involves some adaptation and therefore transformation. First, the
descendants always have the freedom to choose what they want from an inheritance: it is possible to
reject certain values that the parents considered superior. Secondly, the parents discover that they
have transmitted without realizing things that they would have liked to keep secret; ex: alcoholism,
fears, aggressive behaviors, etc. Let's keep in mind that in the process of disclosure, secrets have a
special status. The rule is transformation.
Inflitrarile secretului
Infiltrations of secrecy
1. cand trecutul si prezentul se amesteca. Ne referim la cazurile in care victima are o "rana "de care
nu a putut sa se distanteze suficient si s-a transformat intr-un Secret. (exemple: un baietel este
incantat sa ii cante tatalui sau poezia invatata la scoala: "Am tabac in tabachera, am tabac in tabachera
si tie nu iti voi da."
1. Mixing the past and the present. We refer to that cases when the victim has a "wound" from
which one could not be able to get distant enough and instead it was turned into a Secret.
(Example: a boy is happy to sing to his father a poem that he learned at school: "I have tobacco
in a cigar case, I have tobacco in a cigar case, and I will not give it to you."
Moment in care tatal incepe sa planga si il roaga pe copil sa taca - este asociat cu perioada in
care tatal a fost deportat si il aude pe gardian cantand acelasi cantecel pe care il canta copilul.
Aceste situatii au in comun faptul ca nu exista o granita intre trecut si prezent (un eveniment

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 din trecut isi face aparitia in prezent. Trecutul apare brusc in prezent fara ca nimic sa arate
caracterul incheiat al acestuia.
The moment when the father begins to cry and asks the child to keep silent is associated with
the time when the father was deported and hears the guard playing the same song the child
was singing. These situations have in common the fact that there is no distinction between the
past and the present (a past event is now coming up into the present). The past suddenly
appears in the present without any evidence of closure.

Copiii asista de multe ori uimiti la emotiile si comportamentele de neinteles ale parintilor.
Uimirea lor este cu atat mai mare cu cat elementul ce declanseaza aceste bizarerii trece cel mai adesea
neobservat: e vorba de un zgomot, de un miros, de o culoare sau chiar de o lumina care are puterea sa
a-l face pe cel ce poarta durerosul Secret sa plonjeze in drama sa din trecut, fara ca cineva din anturajul
sau sa-i inteleaga motivele .
Children often witness traumatized the emotions and incomprehensible behaviors of their
parents. Their astonishment gets greater as triggers of these inexplicable things remain most often
unnoticed: it is about a noise, a smell, a color or even a light that has the power to make the holder of
the painful Secret plunge into his past drama, without anyone from their entourage being able to
understand the motives behind it.

2. Uneori, comportamentele ciudate sunt cele care ocupa primul plan. Ele pot sa aiba legatura cu
evenimente iesite din comun (cazul copilului care canta: Am tabac in tabachera si tie nu iti dau ...)
. Comportamentele ciudate, uneori, nu sunt foarte sesizabile, dar copii sunt atenti si le identifica
imediat. De exemplu in cazul unui copil adoptat - daca se discuta despre acest lucru, parintii schimba
subiectul, intorc privirea, plang, se enerveaza, parasesc camera, schimba priviri complice ....
Acest comportament il face pe copil sa invete ca anumite subiecte, locuri, anumite persoane,
anumite ganduri, anumite emotii sau anumite actiuni sunt domenii " interzise”, periculoase si nu
trebuie sa fie niciodata abordate.
2. Sometimes strange behaviors are the ones in the hot spot. They can be linked to unusual events
(the case of the child singing: I have tobacco in a cigar case, and I don't give it to you ...). Strange
behaviors are sometimes not very noticeable, but children are sensible and identify them immediately.
For example, in the case of an adopted child - if it is discussed about adoption, the parents change the
subject, look back, cry, get angry, leave the room crossing eyes .... This behavior makes the child learn
that certain topics, places, people, thoughts, emotions, or actions are "forbidden", dangerous and
should never be approached/touched on.
3. emotiile dezadaptative - acestea sunt alte infiltrari ale secretului. In filmul sau, Clint
Eastwood, Mystic Rivers - ne arata un barbat de 40 de ani care in timp ce se uita la televizor si vede o
scena in care un copil fuge de un monstru, brusc intonatia, mimica acelui tata se schimba pentru
ca isi aminteste, cum intr-o familie in urma cu 20 de ani fusese rapit si abuzat si incercase sa fuga .....

1. Disadaptive emotions - these are other infiltrations of secrecy. In his film, Mystic Rivers,
Clint Eastwood shows a 40-year-old man who while watching TV and sees a scene in which a
child runs away from a monster, suddenly experience changes in the intonation, gesture

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 because he remembered an incident happened 20 years ago in a family, when he was
kidnapped and abused and tried to run away ....

Secretele sunt constituite din emotii refulate, generate despre situatii despre care persoana in
cauza prefera sa nu vorbeasca. Aceste situatii sunt foarte bulversante pentru psihic; adeseori, ele au
drept punct de plecare o ruptura, o schimbare radicala a meseriei sau amodului de viata. (Avem in
acest caz nenumarate exemple ale marilor familii boieresti care alungate si saracite de comunisti sunt
nevoite sa isi schimbe viata, transmit copiilor anumite temeri, angoase, nemultumiri ....secrete legate
de parinti legionari, preoti cu scopul de a proteja copiii, famili).
Secrets are made up of repressed emotions, generated by situations that are not easy to talk
about by the person directly involved with. These situations are very upheaval for the psychic; they
often have as their starting point a rupture, a radical change in the profession or lifestyle. (We have in
this case countless examples of the great noble families who, banished and impoverished by the
communists were forced to change their lives, transfer to their children certain fears, anxieties,
dissatisfactions ... secrets relating to the legionary parents, priests to protect children, families).

Intr-o familie se pastreaza secrete cu scopul de a nu perturba sistemul, ceea ce uneori se explica
prin faptul ca sunt protejati membrii vulnerabili ai familiei, cum ar fi copiii, bunicii.
De exemplu, despre fertilizarea in vitro - nu le poti spune parintilor, bunicilor despre
conceperea acelui copil pentru ca probabil nu vor intelege si nu vor accepta. Protejarea persoanelor
vulnerabile din familie e o functie importanta a secretului. Din pacate se ajunge la situatia, in cele mai
multe cazuri, ca aceste secrete care au rolul de a proteja sistemul, risca sa strice intreg echilibrul si
sa il puna in pericol. Fiecare secret sta sub amenintarea divulgarii. (aici imi amintesc
despre situatia aceasta a divorturilor din familia sotului, matusa, unchiul si o verisoara. Toata
lumea stie, dar nimeni nu vorbeste, toata lumea are o poveste si o varianta) - regula in
familia noastra este: NU se divorteaza, noi respectam familia.

Secrets are kept in a family not to disrupt the system, which is sometimes is explained by the
fact that vulnerable family members, such as children, grandparents, are protected. For example, for in
vitro fertilization - you cannot tell parents, grandparents about the conception of a child using this
method because they will probably not understand and accept. Protecting the vulnerable people in the
family is an important function of secrecy. Unfortunately, in most cases, these secrets, which have the
role of protecting the system, risk to ruining the its balance and endanger it. Every secret is under
threat of disclosure. (I remember this situation of divorces in the family of my husband, aunt, uncle and
a cousin. Everyone knows, but no one speaks, everyone has a story and an option) - the rule in our
family is: do NOT divorce, we do respect the family life.

Din acest motiv familia, grupul instaureaza o serie de reguli care va obliga membrii sa
respecte interdictia. Nu vorbim despre bunicii (daca bunicul s-a sinucis), nu vorbim despre avort, nu
vorbim despre divortul verisoarei. Multe din aceste interdictii, ascund alte reguli mult mai generale.

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Secretul pune sub interdictie tot mai multe aspecte ale comunicarii. Interactiunile se diminueaza, iar
familia devine inflexibila. In paralel, in incercarea de a pastra secretul, ia nastere mitul familial. Mitul
familiei fericite, in care nu exista divort, dar toata lumea este nefericita ....(vezi exemplul de mai sus).
In acest cazuri: Mitul reflecta imaginea pe care familia vrea sa o arate despre ea insasi.
For this reason, the family or the group establishes a series of rules that will oblige the
members to respect the interdictions. We are not talking about grandparents (if the grandfather
committed suicide), we are not talking about abortion, we are not talking about the cousin's divorce.
Many of these prohibitions hide more general rules. Secrecy bans more and more aspects of
communication. Interactions diminish, and the family becomes inflexible. In parallel, in the attempt to
keep the secret, the family myth is born. The myth of the happy family, in which there is no divorce,
but everyone is unhappy… (see the above example). In these cases: The myth reflects an image that the
family wants to create and show about itself.
Intr-un final, unul dintre membrii familiei -in general, un copil - incepe sa prezinte simptome ce nu pot
fi intelese , care atrag atentia familiei asupra lui si o distrag deci de la secrete. Acesta este "pacientul
desemnat". In realitate, simptomele sale au legatura cu secretul pe care
familia doreste sa il ascunda. Simptomele reprezinta paradoxulsecretului: se doreste tainuirea lui, insa i
n acelasi timp, el este atat de important pentru familie incat este reamintit, comemorat prin
doua modalitati complementare: mitul familial si "pacientul desemnat ".

Finally, one of the family members-in general, a child- begins to show incomprehensible symptoms,
which draw the attention of the family on him and therefore distract their focus from the secrets. This
is the "designated patient". In fact, the symptoms are related to the secret that the family wants to
hide. The symptoms represent the paradox of secrecy: it is desirable that the secret is not disclosed,
but at the same time it is so important for the family that it is recalled, commemorated by two
complementary ways: the „family myth” and the „designated patient”.

From the perspective of the individual and the family, secrets can certainly be both oppressive and
destructive. In some situations, they can amount to a doubling of violence as, for instance, in families,
where the abuse is not recognised as such, and the victim is perhaps even forced to live with the
perpetrator.

This is brilliantly illustrated in Tara Westover’s memoir Educated (2018). She describes growing up with
radical survivalist Mormon parents in rural Idaho, isolated and at odds with mainstream society.
When she was a teenager, her elder brother started to become abusive toward her, subjecting her to p
hysical as well as psychological violence. He pulled her around by the hair, flushed her head in the
toilet, called her a slut, and threatened to kill her. For years,
Tara kept the abuse secret, not only from others,
but even from herself, accepting her brother’s gloss that it was just game they played. When she
finally
summoned the courage to tell her parents, they refused to acknowledge the violence and tried to conv
ince her that she was being delusional, which again made her question her own memory and sanity.

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Eventually, her parents’ unwillingness to deal with the uncomfortable truth led to their alienation.
As Westover said in an interview with The Guardian: ‘In families like mine, there is no crime worse than
telling the truth”.

Abordarea terapeutica a secretelor permite redarea flexibilitatii mecanismelor vietii familiale. Regulile
sistemului evolueaza suficient de mult pentru ca fiecare membru sa poata sa isi renegocieze locul.
Terapia efectuata de unii membrii ai acestor familii contribuie astfel indirect la facilitarea
noilor inceputuri sau a despartirilor care ar putea fi percepute ca esentiale, dar pe care
inflexibilitatea sistemuli familial le facea pana in acel moment, absolut imposibile .
The therapeutic approach to secrets allows to restore the flexibility of the mechanisms of family life.
The rules of the system evolve long enough for each member to be able to renegotiate their place. The
therapy applied to some members of these families contributes indirectly to the facilitation of new
beginnings or separations that could be perceived as essential, but the inflexibility of the family system
made these impossible until then.
Care ar fi intrebarile "potrivite " pe care ar trebui sa ni le punem ?
What would be the "right" questions we should ask ourselves?
If you are holding a family secret and wondering how to manage it,
it can be helpful to think through the likely things that could happen if you disclose it
in any way. These are just a few questions that can be useful to think through.
 Who would be most affected?
 What would the gains be of sharing this secret?
 What would the losses be?
 Is the reason for holding it, still a good reason?
 Are sleeping dogs best kept lying down?
 Is anyone in danger or could be harmed by not knowing this secret?

1. In ce context s-au nascut ascendentii (stramosii) mei ?

2. De ce au existat nasteri apropiate sau dimpotriva, foarte distantate unele de altele ?
3. Datele de casatorie? Varstele sotilor la casatorie (casatorii tardive, precoce)? Casatorii
repetate? Datele de deces ? Meseriile practicate in familie, deoarece ele determina modul deviata - aici
ne referim la ritmul vietii, tipul de munca (manual, intelectual, etc ), salariu, viata economica.
4. Pierderi de averi, dezmosteniri, decesele premature, sinucideri.
5. In afara de secretele legate de filiatie, decese, incest, avem si secrete legate de traiectoria
sociala, de falimente trecute sub tacere, pierderi de avere ?
6. Exista goluri in arborele genealogic, persoane excluse, episoade despre care nu
se vorbeste niciodata?
7. Observ o indispozitie cand evoc anumite subiecte in prezenta parintilor, a bunicilor mei etc ?
Exista intrebari interzise ?
8. Istoria familiei mele s-a intersectat cu Istoria Lumii pe parcursul unor episoade deosebit de
sensibile sau dramatice (razboi, exiluri, dezradacinari ...)?
1. In what context were my ascendants (ancestors) born?
2. Why there have been very often births or, by contrary, quite apart from each other?

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 3. What are the main marriage details? The age of the spouses at marriage (late marriage, early
marriage)? Repeated marriages? Death data? Family jobs, because they determine the life style
- here we refer to the rhythm of life, the type of work (manual, intellectual, etc.), the salary, the
economic life.
4. Loss of wealth, disinheritance, premature death, suicides?
5. Apart from the secrets connected with filiation, death, incest, do we also have secrets related
to the social pathways, bankruptcies under silence, losses of wealth?
6. Are there gaps in the genealogical tree, persons who were excluded, episodes never spoken of?
7. Do I see a discomfort when I raise certain subjects in the presence of my parents, my
grandparents, etc.? Are there any forbidden questions?
8. Did the history of my family intersect with the history of the world during particularly sensitive
or dramatic episodes (war, exiles, uprooting ...)?
Hellinger:
"Exista secrete de familie care trebuie pazite. Acestea nu ii privesc pe copii. Ele pot avea legatura cu
intimitatea parintilor sau cu vinovatia individuala a parintilor, iar acestea nu ii privesc pe copii. Copii, de
exemplu nu au voie sa puna la indoiala actiunile parintilor. Daca s-ar duce la parinti si le-ar spune: Cum
ai putut sa faci acest lucru ?? Atunci ar fi adulti care ar avea dreptul sa intrebe. Ca terapeuti nu trebuie
sa dezvaluim astfel de secrete si nici sa nu intram in vreo discutie cu ele.
Apoi, exista secretele de familie care au nevoie sa iasa la lumina, de exemplu
persoane apartinand sistemului de familie, dar care nu au fost recunoscute ca apartinand sau au fost
uitate precum fratii care au murit timpuriu sau cei "considerati oaia neagra' - fiind tabu sa vorbim
despre ei. Cand astfel de secrete ies la iveala, atunci se produce un efect vindecator.
Putem evalua gravitatea unui secret ?
Raspunsul este nu. Secretul de familie nu este o „boala” care i-ar afecta pe unii sau pe altii si in mod
special pe cei mai neajutorati, pe cei mai fragili. Efectele lui asupra istoriei fiecaruia sunt imposibil
de prevazut si, ca intotdeauna atunci cand e vorb despre transgenerational, este bine sa ne ferim
de interpretari pripiite.

Hellinger:
"There are family secrets that must be safeguarded. They do not concern children. They can be related
to the privacy or to the individual guilt of their parents, and they do not concern the children. Children,
for example, are not allowed to question parents' actions. If they went to their parents and told them:
How could you do that? Then, adults would have the right to ask. As therapists we must not reveal
such secrets or enter in any discussion about them. Furthermore, there are family secrets that need to
come out, for example, people from the family system, but who have not been recognized as belonging
to or forgotten like brothers who died early or "considered the black sheep" - being taboo to talk about
them. When such secrets come to light, then a healing effect occurs. Can we assess the severity of a
secret? The answer is no. Family secrecy is not a "disease" that would affect some or others, and
especially the most helpless, the most fragile. Its effects on each other's history are impossible to
predict and, as always when there is a transgenerational matter, it is good to avoid superficial and
impulsive interpretations.

Care sunt factorii implicati:

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What are the factors involved:
 Locul detinatorului secretului in arborele genealogic; este o persoana influenta, care are
un rol strategic si a carei parere este unanim ascultata? Sau este, dimpotriva, un copil care
indura o situatie violenta sau umilitoare, fara a o putea niciodata denunta?
 The place of the holder of the secrecy in the family tree; is he an influential person who
has a strategic role and whose opinion is unanimously approved? Or by contrary, is a
child who endures a violent or humiliating situation, without ever being able to
denounce it?
 Obiectul disimularii: ceea ce incalca legea celor vii va avea desigur consecintele mai
grele decat ceea ce ascundem pentru a fi „cum trebuie” in ochii societatii.
 The object of concealment: what violates the law of the living will have more serious
consequences than what we hide to ensure "the right" in the eyes of society.
 Legatura dintre protagonistii secretului si varstele lor respective: faptul de a impune un
secret unui copil nu va avea acelasi impact cu acela de a-l impartasi cu un adult, care are
posibilitatea de a reactiona si de a alege ce va face cu el.
 The relationship between the protagonists of the secret and their respective ages:
Imposing a secret on a child will not have the same impact as sharing it with an adult,
who has the possibility to react and choose what he will do with him.
 Obligatiile, constrangerile si interdictiile generate de secret, astfel spus efectele lui
secundare asupra vietii relationale a unora si altora si modul lor de a comunica.
 The obligations, constraints and prohibitions generated by the secret, its secondary effects
on the relationships and communication (styles, channels, content).
Fiecare va reactiona la secret in felul sau. Chiar daca urmarile lui sunt uneori dramatice, vom vedea
ca, in cazul anumitor persoane, el poate duce, de asemenea, la solutii extrem de creative, sau/si la
o abilitate de a cobori in profunzimile fiintei umane, care transforma suferintele trrecutului in
talente si resurse inestimabile. Nimic nu este intepenit pentru totdeauna intr-un determinism
glacial, care ar lasa loc doar nenorocirii.
Everyone will react to secrecy in its own way. Even if the consequences are sometimes dramatic,
we will see that, in the case of some people, it can lead to extremely creative solutions, and/or to
an ability to descend into the depth of the human being, which can transform the suffering of the
past into inestimable talents and resources. Nothing is ever stuck in a glacial determinism that
would leave room only for misfortunes.
Concluzie:
Atunci cand tot ce stie cineva despre istoria familiala poate fi rezumat in cateva enunturi generale,
acea persoana se expune pericolului de a repeta detalii ale evenimentelor din trecut.
Faradelegile comise in secret se intorc, mai devreme sau
mai tarziu, impotriva descendentilor. Generatia urmatoare ajunsa la aceeasi varsta, devine victima
secretului. Orice nedreptate comisa de un individ impotriva celorlalti este comisa, in
realitate, impotriva lui insusi, cu late cuvinte impotriva propriei descendente.

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Este important de subliniat ca acei copii ai caror parinti detin secrete sunt deseori afectati de
o inhibitie intelectuala Aceasta inhibite este consecinta unei interdictii implicite de a gandi.
Imi place foarte mult cum Elizabeth Horowitz spune despre secret:
Secretul inseamna negarea vorbirii si cum Cuvantul este creator, se produce o oprire a vietii.
Conclusion:
When someone knows about family history something that can be summarized in some general
statements, that person is at risk of repeating details of past events. The offenses committed in secret
are bounced back, sooner or later, against the descendants. The next generation when they reach the
milestone age becomes a victim of secrecy. Every injustice committed by an individual against others is
committed against himself, in broader words against his own descendants. It is important to stress that
children whose parents have secrets are often affected by an intellectual inhibition. This inhibition is
the consequence of an implicit prohibition of freedom of speech and thinking. I really like how
Elizabeth Horowitz says about the secret: The secret means the denial of speech and as the Word is
creative, there is a stopping of life.

Partea 2 . Tabuuri
Part 2. Taboos
A taboo is an implicit prohibition on something (usually against an utterance or behavior) based on a
cultural sense that it is excessively repulsive or, perhaps, too sacred for ordinary people. Such
prohibitions are present in virtually all societies.

On a comparative basis, taboos, for example related to food items, seem to make no sense at all,
as what may be declared unfit for one group by custom or religion may be perfectly acceptable to anot
her. Taboos are often meant to protect the human individual, but there are numerous other reasons
for their existence. An ecological or medical background is apparent in many, including some that are
seen as religious or spiritual in origin. Taboos can help use a resource more efficiently, but when
applied to only a subsection of the community they can also serve to suppress said subsection of the
community.
A taboo acknowledged by a particular group or tribe as part of their ways aids in the cohesion of the
group, helps that group to stand out and maintain its identity in the face of others and therefore
creates a feeling of "belonging". The meaning of the word "taboo" has been somewhat expanded in
the social sciences to strong prohibitions relating to any area of human activity or custom that is sacred
or forbidden based on moral judgment, religious beliefs, or cultural norms.

"Breaking a taboo" is usually considered objectionable by society in general, not merely a subset of
a culture.
Avem tabuuri legate de familie, legate de comportamentul in societate, despre cum mancam , vorbim.
In multe societati ele devin un lucru foarte serios si se tine cont de ele. Tabuurile sunt menite să
reglementeze desfășurarea vieții.
****Daca luam ca exemplu modul de viata al evreilor ultraortodocsi -- vom vedea ca viata lor este
condusa de reguli / tabuuri impuse de asa zis superioritate religioasa - cartea sfanta -Tora
We have taboos related to the family, behavior in society, about how we eat, and how we talk. In many
societies, they become a very serious things that are taken into account. Taboos are intended to
regulate the course of life. **** If we take as an example the lifestyle of the ultra-Orthodox Jews - we

Page 16 of 18
will see that their life is governed by rules / taboos imposed by the so-called religious superiority - the
Holy Scripture Torah

Tabuurile tin foarte mult de contextul social, religios in care traim.

Taboos are very much related to the social, religious context in which we live.
Tabuuri:
Main Taboos:
1. Avortul, dependente. adulter. Homosexualitatea, rasism (cel putin in aceste zile devine o
problema ca suntem albi ), Consumul de droguri, gestica , casatoriile intereligioase, femeile
nu merg singure in orassau fetele sa fie vazute de alti barbati decat barbatii lor (culturile
islamice) , masturbarea, suicid, in cazul religiei islamice este tabuu sau interzis,
considerat pacat sa incerci sa cauti figura lui Dumnezeu sau a lui Mahomed
 Abortion, addictions, adultery, homosexuality, racism (at least these days it becomes
a problem that we are white), Drug use, gestures, interreligious marriages, women do
not go alone in town or girls to be seen by men other than their men (Islamic
cultures), masturbation, suicide, in the case of Islamic religion is taboo or prohibited
to look for the face of God or Mahomed

2. Tabuuri legate de familie: autoritatea tatalui nu se discuta, nu ai voie incaltata in casa,

duminica se mananca in familie, nu vorbim despre necazurile sau problemele noastre cu
nimeni etc, in aceasta familie nu se divorteaza ( - consecinta - si transformam casnicia intr-
o inchisoare ...)

1. Family taboos: the father's authority is not questioned, you are not allowed to wear
shoes at home, on Sundays you eat in the family, we do not talk about our troubles or
problems with anyone, etc., in this family we do not divorce (- consequence - and in
turn marriage becomes a prison ...)
Traim intr-o societate in care nu prea mai exista tabuuri , in care este permis aproape orice.
We live in a society where there are not many taboos, where almost anything is allowed.

We Need To Talk About What We Aren’t Talking About

The things we don’t talk about are crushing us.
For instance,toxic masculinity can hold some poor men back from expressing their fears and feelings. T
hen they keep it bottled up their whole lives.
In some ways, men can be viewed as the most scared creatures on the planet.
They’re scared of how they will be seen should they let their feelings out. I know I am
at times. Maybe everybody is, but the amount of heart-to-
hearts I’ve had in my life with women is considerably larger than the amount of heart-to-hearts I’ve ha
d with men.
The truth is, what we aren’t saying is killing us. Talking about taboo subjects needs to be looked at
as less, well, taboo.

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Traim intr-o societate in care vorbitul in soapta sau tacerea nu marcheaza discretia , ci de cele mai
multe ori marcheaza o vina . Ex . Este tabuu (secret) sa vorbesti despre fiica care a facut un copil in
afara casatoriei sau care a ales sa se faca actrita ( refuzand sa pastreze traditia familiala de a deveni
medic, profesor etc. In societatile care au la baza fundamentalismul religios ( islamic,
mormon, ultraortodox etc ) femeile au foarte putine drepturi , ele trebuie sa se supuna barbatilor.
Femeilor musulmane le este interzis sa isi arate chipul altui barbat care nu face parte din familie .
atunci cand aceste reguli impus nu sunt respectate avem de a face cu excluderea persoanelor din
sistem ( familie , trib , societate ) , toate acestea conducand catre perturbarea sistemului
si aparitia incurcaturilor sistemice.
We are living in a society where whispering or silence does not mean discretion, but rather a quilt. For
example, it is taboo to talk about your daughter who gave birth to a child outside the marriage or who
wanted to become an actress by refusing to preserve the family tradition of becoming a doctor,
teacher, etc. In the society profoundly governed by the religious fundamentalist believes (Islamic,
Mormon, ultra-Orthodox) women have very few rights and they need to obey the men. Islamic women
are not allowed to show their face to other men who are not part of the family. When these imposed
rules are not respected, then people disobeying rules are excluded from the system (family, tribe,
society) resulting in crisis and terrible perturbations of the system.

Orice tabu oglindește, de fapt, natura duală a omului, permanent scindat între contrarii, niciodată
stăpâni pe antinomii, pentru că detestăm monotonia, fie ea provenită din fericire sau din suferință.
Tabuurile sunt, prin urmare, un fel de extensii ale ființei noastre, menite să se caute și să se
oglindească în conștiința noastră. Sunt un fel de a ne impune limite și de a testa, cu ajutorul lor,
limitele existente apriori în tiparul nostru biologic, sufletesc sau spiritual.
Any taboo reflect in fact the duality of mankind, struggling permanently with societal divides stemming
from social dilemmas and contradictions; it shows the vulnerability of the mankind in the face of
antinomies as the humanity detest monotony whether or not it originates in happiness or pain. Taboos
are therefore extensions of human being aspects, intended to uncover and mark the consciousness.
They provide a framework for setting out self-limits and test the existing limits which come with our
genetic material, in soul and spirit.

Secrecy might be suffocating, but it can also save lives.

And although lifting a taboo might be unburdening, as the philosopher Michel
Foucault has taught us, there is nothing innocent about the push to confess our innermost secrets. Wh
at looks like a
final battle against oppressive social norms could in fact help to enable the operations of power in less
tangible ways. Instead of shunning family secrets, we might therefore use them as
a lens through which to take a closer look
at the family and its complicated relationships to wider society.
In our engagement with the contemporary public, we might need to think harder about which secrets a
re worth keeping and which ones are not, and perhaps most importantly who is entitled to reveal whic
h secrets and under what circumstances.

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