Batman The Yaoi Knight

BATMAN: THE YAOI KNIGHT
Written by
Jason Steele
EXT. ROOFTOP OF WAYNE ENTERPRISES - NIGHT
It is a cloudy, wet night in Gotham City. The sounds of CITY

TRAFFIC echo from every direction.
The tallest, most imposing building in the city is the

headquarters of WAYNE ENTERPRISES. Standing atop this
menacing spire of concrete and glass is BATMAN, a vigilante
who has made it his personal mission to protect the weak and
powerless. He is outfitted head-to-toe in form-fitting
gunmetal kevlar, with a long black cape and a cowl that
resembles a bat’s face.
Batman hears POLICE CHATTER through an earpiece under his

cowl, and his head makes a quick jerking movement to the
west. Crime is happening, at this very moment. Batman jumps
off the roof, using his cape as a hang glider. It is a very
dangerous way of getting about.
EXT. STREETS OF GOTHAM - MOMENTS LATER
The streets of Gotham are slick with new rain and old grime.
Various citizens are going about their business, heads down,
hearts empty.
A woman runs through the crowd, violently pushing people out

of her way. She is a CRIMINAL, having recently committed a
robbery. In one hand she holds a large briefcase, and in the
other hand she holds a self-defense baton.
There are a few shouts of protest from those she pushes

through, but no one wants more trouble than they’ve already
got. The criminal easily makes her way down the street, and
then turns into a dark alley.
EXT. DARK ALLEY
Out of breath, the criminal pauses for a moment to collect

herself. She looks around to make sure no one has followed
her, then begins to open the briefcase.
Directly above the criminal a shape comes into focus. It is

Batman, dropping from the sky like a meteor, his huge body
colliding with the woman and sending her sprawling to the
ground.
The woman has dropped her briefcase, but she still holds her
baton. In an awkward attempt to fight back she swings the
baton around, seeking to hit at her attacker, but Batman
easily kicks it from her hand.
2.
The woman scurries back, a look of both fear and contempt in

her eyes.
CRIMINAL
Who the hell are you?
Batman towers over the criminal, and responds in a deep voice

that sounds like it’s echoing from an endless cavern.
BATMAN
I am the night, I am the darkness,
I am the thing in the shadows
keeping this city safe from the
likes of you.
Batman’s cape flows behind him as if riding an ocean current.
CRIMINAL
Cool, great. Well I think you broke
one of my ribs when you landed on
me.
Batman walks over to the briefcase the criminal had dropped.

It lay open, with various manga spilling out of it. Batman
kneels down for a closer look.
Every manga has a similar cover: two, sometimes three young

men, in various romantic embraces. Some awkward, some
passionate, all extremely sexual.
BATMAN
What the hell is this?
The criminal COUGHS and spits up a bit of blood.
CRIMINAL
It’s yaoi.
BATMAN
Yowie?
CRIMINAL
You know. Boys’ love. It’s a genre
of Japanese media featuring erotic
relationships between young men.
Batman picks up one of the manga. The cover depicts a well

built, slightly sinister looking man with black hair. His
arms are suggestively embracing a much smaller, slightly
frightened looking man with blonde hair.
Batman begins flipping through the manga, but he’s reading it

the wrong way.
3.
CRIMINAL (CONT’D)
You have to read it the other way
round. That’s how they do it in
Japan.
BATMAN
Oh. I see.
Batman flips to the other side of the manga, then stands up

and slowly paces around while reading it.
The criminal attempts to reach for her baton, but Batman -

without taking his eyes off the page - kicks it further away.
Still reading the manga, Batman addresses the criminal.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
Why do you have these?
CRIMINAL
Why do you think?
BATMAN
Is this why the police are after
you?
CRIMINAL
Yeah, because I stole ‘em. And I’d
do it again. It’s the only way
yaoi’s gonna survive what is to
come.
Batman looks up from the manga, his eyes focused on the

criminal’s face, studying it.
BATMAN
What does that mean? What’s coming?
What do you know?
CRIMINAL
Eh, what do you care?
The criminal spits up more blood. Batman approaches her with

a heavy, aggressive step, waving the yaoi in front of him.
BATMAN
I care about all injustice! Now
answer the question.
CRIMINAL
It’s Joe Biden. He’s getting
congress to ban the stuff.
4.
BATMAN
Why would he do that?
CRIMINAL
Hell if I know. Maybe it’s a
scapegoat, maybe he’s just
homophobic. All I know is it’s
happening.
BATMAN
I haven’t heard anything about
this. Why isn’t it in the news?
CRIMINAL
It’s being done in secret. Behind-
doors meetings and all that. No
one’s even going to realize it’s
happening until all the yaoi is
gone.
Batman looks down at the yaoi in his hands, at the obvious

sexual tension between the two beautiful men on the cover.
BATMAN
No. I don’t believe you.
CRIMINAL
You can believe it or not, but it’s
happening.
The criminal turns away from Batman and once again begins
crawling for her baton.
CRIMINAL (CONT’D)
The only thing a small fry like me
can do about it is save as much
yaoi as possible before it all gets
burned.
The criminal successfully grabs her baton and quickly spins

her body around, but Batman has vanished.
The criminal lowers her baton and looks down at her

briefcase, which is now empty. All of the yaoi is gone.
INT. BATCAVE - LATER THAT NIGHT
Batman’s headquarters is an underground command center built

inside a gigantic cavern. Metal walkways connect various
points of interest, and in the center of it all is a COMPUTER
SYSTEM with twelve different monitors.
5.
Batman is seated in front of the computer system, his eyes

darting from screen to screen. On half of the screens there
are various yaoi panels scrolling quickly by. On the other
half there are various legal and government documents.
The computer BEEPS. Some sort of calculation has just

completed.
BATMAN
Hmmm...
An old man in a suit carrying a tray of food walks up to

Batman. It is ALFRED, who works as Batman’s butler but
functions equally as a father figure.
ALFRED
Dinner, master Batman.
BATMAN
You can set it on the desk.
ALFRED
Very good, sir.
Alfred sets the tray on the desk under one of the computer
monitors.
BATMAN
Alfred...
Batman hesitates for a moment.
ALFRED
Yes, Batman?
BATMAN
What do you know about yaoi?
ALFRED
That’s a very heavy question.
BATMAN
You don’t have to answer.
ALFRED
I know quite a lot, sir.
BATMAN
Oh?
ALFRED
Quite a lot indeed.
6.
BATMAN
I see.
ALFRED
As it happens, I have one of the
largest collections of yaoi manga
in the United States.
Batman swivels in his chair to face Alfred.
BATMAN
Really?
ALFRED
I’ve been collecting for nearly 50
years.
BATMAN
That’s... impressive.
ALFRED
Thousands upon thousands of
releases. Tankōbon, bunkōbon,
waidoban...
BATMAN
Are those...
ALFRED
They’re different ways of releasing
manga or novels, similar to the
ways books here might get multiple
releases with varying levels of
printing quality or different
binding.
BATMAN
There is so much about yaoi I don’t
know.
ALFRED
Everyone starts somewhere, sir.
BATMAN
Alfred, your collection...
ALFRED
Yes?
BATMAN
... can I see it?
7.
INT. ALFRED’S YAOI LIBRARY - LATER
A electric chandelier comes to life, lighting an extensive

array of old but well maintained oak bookcases. Each bookcase
is filled, top to bottom, with yaoi.
Alfred stands at the doorway to the library, as Batman slowly

walks inside, taking all the yaoi in.
BATMAN
This is incredible.
ALFRED
I am quite proud of it.
Batman takes a volume off the shelf and looks at the cover. A
young, nerdy man has a shocked expression on his face as his
shirt is being unbuttoned by a second, much taller man.
BATMAN
I’m sorry, Alfred. I feel like I
should have known this about you.
ALFRED
My love of yaoi has never been a
secret, but it’s not something I
bring up casually either.
BATMAN
Still.
Batman carefully puts the yaoi back on the shelf.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
Today someone told me that Joe
Biden is working to ban yaoi.
Alfred sighs.
ALFRED
That sort of thing has always been
a possibility.
Batman looks over at Alfred.
BATMAN
So you think it could be true?
ALFRED
When something brings people joy,
real joy, there are always those
who will stop at nothing to snuff
that joy out.
8.
BATMAN
I ran some calculations. If a vote
is brought before congress, there’s
a 95% certainty they’ll vote to ban
it.
ALFRED
Quite distressing to think about.
BATMAN
I’ve got to do something, Alfred.
ALFRED
Perhaps this is a job better suited
for Bruce Wayne?
BATMAN
No. If President Joe Biden is
trying to ban yaoi, he’s doing it
from the shadows. So he needs to be
fought in the shadows.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT
The towering brutalist concrete of the Gotham City Police

Department looms over the residents of Gotham City like a
watchful vulture.
A short man in his fifties with a deep frown on his face and
tufts of gray hair on his head exits the building. He walks
briskly down the building’s many front steps and onto the
busy sidewalk. This man is JAMES GORDON, Gotham’s
commissioner of police.
After a block or so, James turns onto a dimly lit, empty side
street and looks around, seeking something that he isn’t
finding.
BATMAN
Commissioner.
Batman has appeared as if from thin air directly behind the

commissioner. The commissioner instinctively takes his gun
out and unloads seven rounds at Batman before realizing who
he’s shooting at. Batman’s body armor has thankfully
protected him from the bullets.
JAMES GORDON
Jesus, Batman. Don’t sneak up on me
like that, I thought you were a big
dog.
9.
BATMAN
Dogs don’t talk, commissioner.
JAMES GORDON
When you’re under the sort of
pressure I’m under, sometimes they
do.
BATMAN
I’m onto something big.
JAMES GORDON
That’s good. That’s very good.
James waves his finger around in acknowledgment of that being

good, and begins to holster his weapon.
A man walking a dog enters the side street and James Gordon
immediately yanks his gun back up and shoots numerous times
at the dog. His various shots all miss, and the man and dog
run away.
BATMAN
Commissioner...
JAMES GORDON
Sorry, sorry, it’s been a tough
week.
BATMAN
I need to see the police files on
an ex-inmate of Arkham Asylum.
JAMES GORDON
Sure, whatever files you want are
yours. I still owe you for helping
out on that PR thing when I
accidentally killed the Taco Bell
dog.
BATMAN
It’s every citizen’s duty to help
the police. Besides, that was over
a decade ago.
JAMES GORDON
Jeez, has it been that long? Time
flies, huh?
James takes out a cigarette and lights it, then takes a

nervous drag.
10.
JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)

We gotta speed this up, I’m meeting
my dealer here and you’re going to
scare him off.
BATMAN
Are you on a sting operation?
James takes another drag of his cigarette.
JAMES GORDON
Sure, I’m on a sting.
BATMAN
Where can I find the files I need?
JAMES GORDON
If you just need something on an
Arkham inmate, I can...
There is a CLANKING sound from down the street. A stray dog

is trying to get into a metal trash can.
The cigarette falls out of James Gordon’s mouth as he drops

to the ground, does a tactical roll, and then fires wildly at
the dog. One of the bullets ricochets off the trash can, and
hits James Gordon in the arm. The dog scuttles away,
unharmed.

I’m hit!
James rolls around on the ground, bleeding.
BATMAN
I’ve got you, sir.
Batman kneels by the commissioner’s side, tearing a strip of

his cape off and using it to wrap the bleeding wound.
JAMES GORDON
The dog shot me!
BATMAN
I think it was a ricochet.
JAMES GORDON
It’s revenge for killing Gidget.
That was the name of the Taco Bell
chihuahua. Gidget.
BATMAN
That’s old history, sir. No dog
alive today remembers it.
11.
JAMES GORDON
If this is it, Batman... if this is
the end...
BATMAN
You’ll be fine, commissioner, I
just need to get you to a hospital.
JAMES GORDON
If this is my last moment on this
god forsaken planet, I need you to
know... I need someone to know...
BATMAN
It didn’t hit an artery, you’re
going to make it.
JAMES GORDON
I did it on purpose.
BATMAN
Did what, commissioner?
JAMES GORDON
I killed Gidget on purpose. It was
murder, Batman.
BATMAN
You don’t know what you’re saying,
commissioner.
JAMES GORDON
I know damn well what I’m saying.
I’ve killed other dogs too, ones
you’d recognize. Famous dogs. Dogs
beloved by nations.
BATMAN
You’ve lost a lot of blood.
JAMES GORDON
Don’t let me die in this alley,
Batman.
BATMAN
I won’t, commissioner.
JAMES GORDON
Don’t let me die like Gidget.
BATMAN
No one’s dying on my watch.
12.
A door opens from a building next to Batman and James, and a

woman walking a small dog comes out.
James, in a sudden burst of energy wiggles around trying to

reach for his gun.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
Commissioner! It’s a civilian,
stand down! Stand down!
INT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL - LATER
The hospital room is spacious and well furnished. It’s the

sort of room only ever given to truly VIP hospital patients.
James Gordon, his arm wrapped in gauze, lies awake in his

hospital bed hooked up to an IV and various monitoring
devices. Batman sits in a large wooden chair next to him.
JAMES GORDON
Thanks for sticking with me,
Batman.
BATMAN
Of course, commissioner.
Batman puts a comforting hand on the commissioner’s uninjured

arm.
JAMES GORDON
You’re a good man. A good friend.
James pats Batman’s hand, and then coughs a few times.

I gotta stop smoking. It’s just
such a stressful line of work.
BATMAN
It is.
JAMES GORDON
I’m on edge twenty four hours a
day.
BATMAN
It’s a tough job, keeping Gotham
safe.
JAMES GORDON
I’ll get a medal for this, you
know. Can you believe it? A medal
for getting shot by a dog.
13.
Batman remains silent.

I’ll accept it of course. Great PR.
Gotta take those wins where you can
get them.
BATMAN
Sir, about...
JAMES GORDON
That wasn’t true, what I said about
the Taco Bell dog. I was just outta
my mind. You know that, right?
BATMAN
Of course.
James looks at Batman for a while, then nods.
JAMES GORDON
You’re a good guy. A solid guy.
BATMAN
Earlier, before you were shot, you
were going to tell me where to find
those Arkham files.
JAMES GORDON
Oh, yeah. Grab my phone.
Batman grabs James Gordon’s phone from a table next to the

bed. He holds it out to James, but James gives a ‘no’ nod
with his head and waves his hand dismissively.

Unlock it. There’s no passcode.
Batman unlocks the phone.
BATMAN
Where can I access the files?
JAMES GORDON
They’re all in my e-mail.
BATMAN
In your e-mail?
JAMES GORDON
I don’t know how to use the
official database or whatever so I
have my assistant e-mail me
everything.
14.
BATMAN
Your assistant e-mails you every
file?
JAMES GORDON
If it’s not an e-mail, I don’t know
how to use it.
BATMAN
Isn’t there a security risk doing
things that way?
JAMES GORDON
Nah. I’ve always gone my phone with
me.
Batman looks uncertain, but doesn’t want to press it. He

types something into the phone and scrolls through a number
of results before finding what he’s looking for.
BATMAN
Got it. Thank you, commissioner.
JAMES GORDON
Don’t mention it. And Batman...
BATMAN
Yes?
JAMES GORDON
What happened tonight... it’s
between friends, right?
BATMAN
Of course.
JAMES GORDON
If you see a story on the news with
different details or whatever, it’s
just PR. Helps the police do their
job.
BATMAN
I... think I understand.
JAMES GORDON
Good, good. Oh, and if you run into
the nurse on your way out tell her
I want more percocet. They keep
giving me rookie stuff but I want
percocet.
15.
EXT. STREETS OF GOTHAM - AS LATE AS IT GETS
In spite of the extremely late hour, the streets of Gotham

continue to buzz with activity.
A taxi driver dressed in jeans, t-shirt, and a zip-up

sweater, GARY, pulls up to the curb to let a passenger in.
That passenger is Batman.
BATMAN
Take me downtown.
GARY
You got it.
Gary puts the car into drive and re-enters traffic. As he

drives, he occasionally looks in the rear-view mirror back at
Batman. Batman watches him, unblinking.
GARY (CONT’D)
Alright, you found me, big deal.
Batman’s voice goes lower than it has ever gone before.
BATMAN
Joker.
JOKER
It’s ‘Gary’ while I’m on the clock.
Taxi regulation stuff.
Batman’s voice maintains its extra low pitch.
BATMAN
Gary.
JOKER
So, what, are you gonna beat me up
again? Have I not suffered enough?
BATMAN
That depends on if you’ve done any
recent crimes.
JOKER
The law is just a tool capital uses
to maintain its power. What’s legal
isn’t what’s moral, Batman.
BATMAN
I’m not here for your commie
propaganda, Gary.
16.
JOKER
I’m an anarchist.
BATMAN
What’s the difference?
JOKER
Do you really want to know?
BATMAN
No.
The Joker sighs.
JOKER
Where do you get your money,
Batman?
BATMAN
That’s none of your business.
JOKER
I’ve seen some of the tech you use.
That stuff ain’t cheap.
BATMAN
So what?
JOKER
I’ve got a theory.
BATMAN
Of course you do.
JOKER
I think you get it from that Bruce
Wayne guy.
BATMAN
Nice theory, but you’re wrong.
JOKER
I think he does it as some sort of
feel-good philanthropic project.
BATMAN
Bruce Wayne wouldn’t give me a red
cent.
JOKER
Uh huh. Then where’s your money
come from, Batman?
17.
BATMAN
My parents left me a legacy when
they were murdered, which happened
right in front of me.
JOKER
Damn.
BATMAN
I watched them bleed out.
JOKER
Sorry, man.
BATMAN
It happened outside a movie
theater. They got stabbed. Do you
know what movie we were there to
see?
JOKER
I do not.
BATMAN
A Goofy Movie.
JOKER
Oof. Good movie, but oof.
BATMAN
Yeah. Oof. Are you happy?
JOKER
Of course not. That’s rough.
BATMAN
I don’t want your sympathy, Gary.
JOKER
Alright, well what DO you want? Why
are you here in my cab?
Batman looks out the window at the passing Gotham nightlife.
BATMAN
I need your help for a project.
JOKER
Ha! Unbelievable.
BATMAN
It’s important.
18.
JOKER
Do you know how many years of my
life I’ve lost, thanks to your
authoritarian vigilante act?
Batman turns away from the window and looks at the Joker
again.
BATMAN
It’s important.
JOKER
Yeah, there’s a lot of important
stuff goin’ around.
BATMAN
I might be making moves against the
United States government.
The Joker is silent for a moment.
JOKER
Uh, this isn’t a January 6th sort
of thing is it?
BATMAN
I’m not an insurrectionist, Gary.
JOKER
You kind of give me that vibe.
BATMAN
I respect the law, Gary.
JOKER
Alright then, what is this all
about?
BATMAN
What do you know about yaoi?
JOKER
That’s... alright, you’ve got my
attention.
BATMAN
President Joe Biden might be
working to ban it. If he is, I’m
going to stop him.
JOKER
Batman, I can’t imagine Joe Biden
even knows what yaoi is.
19.
BATMAN
If my information is wrong, and Joe
Biden has no such plans, the
mission’s done. But I can’t rest
until I find out.
JOKER
What’s uh... what’s your interest
in this exactly?
Batman looks out the window again.
BATMAN
I care about artistic freedom. I
care about a persons’ right to self-
determination.
JOKER
Alright, alright, I won’t press.
And why do you want my help?
BATMAN
You’re the only person I know who
hates the government enough to take
the risks we’re going to take.
JOKER
I swear, if I end up on the news
referred to as a Proud Boy...
BATMAN
This isn’t a January 6th situation,
Joker. I swear on my parents’
grave.
JOKER
Fair enough. So where do we begin?
EXT. THE PENGUIN’S NIGHTCLUB - LATER
The Joker parks his taxi across the street from NOOT NOOT, a
nightclub run by the PENGUIN. The jet black building is
adorned with purple neon lights and stylish penguin
iconography.
There is a long line to get in, and a BOUNCER by the door.
JOKER
What are we doing here? I don’t
think Penguin’s going to be too
sympathetic to your cause.
20.
BATMAN
There’s a Senator meeting with him
tonight. It could be nothing, but
Penguin is one of Joe’s biggest
donors.
JOKER
So you think they’re discussing the
yaoi ban?
BATMAN
All I know is I want to hear what
they’re saying at that meeting.
JOKER
Alright, and what do you want me to
do?
BATMAN
I want you to distract the bouncer.
JOKER
You don’t want to just... pay the
cover fee?
BATMAN
I don’t bring my wallet on
missions.
The Joker thinks about this for a moment.
JOKER
Wait, how are you planning on
paying your cab fare?
BATMAN
...
JOKER
If you don’t pay me by the end of
the night I’m charging you
interest.
BATMAN
That’s illegal.
JOKER
Uh huh.
BATMAN
I’m good for it. You’ll get your
money.
21.
JOKER
How much is the cover anyway?
BATMAN
It’s one twenty.
JOKER
A hundred and twenty dollars?
BATMAN
Yeah.
JOKER
Alright, I was gonna offer to just
pay but screw that. A hundred and
twenty dollars, good grief.
BATMAN
So you’ll distract the bouncer?
JOKER
Yeah, let me just put some of my
clown makeup on.
The Joker opens the glove box, removes a makeup kit, and
starts applying his Joker face.
BATMAN
Good. You’ll be in disguise.
JOKER
I’m the one guy who does crimes
dressed like a clown, I think it’s
the opposite of a disguise at this
point.
BATMAN
Hmm.
JOKER
Hey, there’s a wig back there, can
you grab it?
BATMAN
Which one?
JOKER
There’s more than one?
BATMAN
Yeah. A green one and a blonde one.
22.
JOKER
Oh, damn, that’s Jerry’s. And he’s
got a show tomorrow. Hey on the way
back I gotta stop by Jerry’s.
BATMAN
Ok.
Batman hands Joker the green wig. The Joker clumsily puts it
on with one hand, his other hand still applying makeup to his
face.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
I’m going to lurk in the shadows
until your distraction is complete.
JOKER
Yeah, go lurk. I’ll just be a
minute.
Batman gets out of the car, and makes his way to a

particularly shadowy spot on the left side of the building.
The Joker finishes applying his makeup, then gets out of the
cab and pops the trunk. He has a unicycle stashed in there.
He removes the unicycle, then deftly hops on top of it and
unicycles his way over to the bouncer.
JOKER (CONT’D)
Honk honk and well met, I’m the one
and only royal rube, the imperial
buffoon, the clown prince himself,
the Joker!
The bouncer, suddenly finding himself face-to-face with a

unicycle riding clown, seems bemused.
BOUNCER
Get out of here, bozo.
JOKER
Tell me good friend, have you heard
the joke about the coffin?
BOUNCER
What?
JOKER
So this guy’s on his way to work.
He drives a Lincoln Town Car, can
you believe it? He’s 30 years old,
works at a publishing company, and
drives a Lincoln Town Car of all
things.
23.
BOUNCER
Either get in line or get lost.
JOKER
He’s stuck in morning traffic,
which is worse than usual thanks to
a lane closure, and the car ahead
of him... is a hearse. A hearse!
What a grim way to start the day,
right?
Batman sneaks out of the shadows and inches along the

building’s wall towards the door while the bouncer
concentrates on the Joker.
BOUNCER
Alright, alright, get to the
punchline.
JOKER
As he’s waiting in traffic, not
moving an inch, he becomes aware of
a thumping sound. Thump thump.
Thump thump.
BOUNCER
Thump thump.
JOKER
That’s right, thump thump.
One of the LINE WAITERS is getting agitated.
LINE WAITER
Hey, I wanna get in, I wanna party.
BOUNCER
Hold up, I wanna hear what the
thumping is.
JOKER
Believe it or not, the thumping is
coming from the hearse!
BOUNCER
No way. Wait, is this a buried
alive situation? Those always freak
me out.
JOKER
The thumping is getting louder and
louder, quicker and quicker,
until... BANG!
24.
The bouncer and some of the people in line jump a little at

the Joker’s loud exclamation. Batman pauses in his movement.
JOKER (CONT’D)
The back door of the hearse swings
open and a dang coffin comes
sliding out.
BOUNCER
I knew it. They’re burying someone
alive.
JOKER
The coffin is now right in front of
our hero’s Lincoln Town Car. In a
flash the coffin springs up into
the air, and then with a deafening
crunch lands directly on the hood
of the man’s car.
BOUNCER
A jumping coffin, damn. That’s
gonna do some damage.
Batman continues his way towards the door.
JOKER
It certainly did do some damage.
Almost two grand to fix it.
BOUNCER
And I can’t imagine insurance would
cover that.
JOKER
Depends on the company and the
adjuster.
Batman has made his way to the door, and swiftly darts
inside, unnoticed by the bouncer.
BOUNCER
What insurance company did this guy
use anyway?
JOKER
Travelers.
BOUNCER
Eh, he might be alright.
25.
INT. NOOT NOOT - MOMENTS LATER
Inside the Penguin’s club we hear loud DRILL MUSIC, and see a
number of people dancing amidst the flashing lights. Batman
deftly moves between the dancers, making his way to the back
of the building.
Arriving at a far wall, Batman finds a locked door and

quickly unlocks it using a bat-themed LOCKPICK GUN.
INT. BACK ROOMS OF NOOT NOOT
The music becomes muffled as Batman closes the door behind

him. The door has led him to a staircase, which he ascends to
find a small hallway with a number of other doors, most of
which are closed. One of the doors is slightly ajar, and a
dim light pours out of it.
Batman reaches the door and looks through the small gap. At
the other side of the room, facing away from him, sits two
figures. One of the figures is the Penguin, a short, greasy
looking man in his fifties, and a SENATOR, a tall and angular
woman of around the same age. The Penguin is dressed in a
floor-length smoking coat, and has a GLASS filled with some
sort of blue liquid in his right hand. The Senator is dressed
in a black suit, and is drinking WHISKEY.
PENGUIN
Sounds like quite the serious
matter.
SENATOR
There’s going to be push-back, but
it needs to be done.
PENGUIN
And this is my concern, because...?
The Penguin takes a sip of his blue liquid.
SENATOR
The Biden administration’s already
lost a lot of support. The border
wall, for instance...
PENGUIN
Wasn’t that his predecessors?
SENATOR
Yes, but he’s continued building
it. Then there’s the children in
internment camps...
26.
PENGUIN
Ah, yes, Biden continued that as
well...
SENATOR
He did. And the oil drilling, and
military spending...
PENGUIN
Not to mention the war crimes.
SENATOR
The United States doesn’t do war
crimes.
PENGUIN
Of course.
SENATOR
For something to be a crime, there
needs to be an authority capable of
prosecuting it.
PENGUIN
Aha.
The Penguin gives a throaty, phlem-filled laugh.
PENGUIN (CONT’D)
See, this is why I like working
with the government.
SENATOR
Indeed.
The senator takes a sip of her whiskey.
PENGUIN
And you’re worried this new thing
might be some sort of tipping
point?
SENATOR
Exactly. To put it bluntly, Joe’s
going to need a lot of campaign
money to give him a chance at
reelection.
PENGUIN
More than usual?
27.
SENATOR
Our internal polling shows the old
“lesser of two evils” argument
isn’t going to bear quite as much
fruit this time.
The Penguin raises his glass a little and swishes the blue
liquid around. It sparkles.
PENGUIN
Noot noot! Well, money I can
certainly provide. But I’m not one
to give simply out of the goodness
of my heart.
SENATOR
You’ve been having legal trouble
with that new District Attorney,
correct?
PENGUIN
Harvey Dent. He’s not a man who can
be reasoned with.
SENATOR
The United States Government is
very good at dealing with
unreasonable men.
PENGUIN
Are you offering what I think
you’re offering?
SENATOR
Harvey Dent has an unfortunate
accident, Joe Biden wins
reelection, and the world keeps on
spinning in the right direction.
The Penguin gets up from his seat and begins pacing the room.
Batman steps back a little so as not to be seen.
PENGUIN
My financial resources are
extensive, but you’re going to need
more than just my help to win
reelection.
SENATOR
We’ve got other logs in the fire.
PENGUIN
Have you talked to Bruce Wayne? He
might be sympathetic to the cause.
28.
Batman’s head does a dog-like tilt, and a sour expression

comes over his face.
The Senator takes another sip of her whiskey.
SENATOR
We’re... not so sure about Mr.
Wayne. It’s been hard to get a yes
or no from him on anything.
PENGUIN
He doesn’t like to commit himself
fully if he doesn’t have to, but he
understands the ways of money and
power. I wouldn’t overlook him,
noot noot.
The senator raises her whiskey glass.
SENATOR
I’ll take that under advisement.
Batman moves away from the door and walks back down the dark
hallway.
EXT. THE PENGUIN'S NIGHTCLUB - LATER
The Joker is still telling his joke to the bouncer. A number

of would-be club goers are now standing around in rapt
attention.
JOKER
The guy makes it back to his house
and slams the front door behind
him. He can hear the thump-thump of
the coffin following him up the
driveway, so he pushes a sofa in
front of the door to block it.
BOUNCER
What about the windows?!
The Joker points at the bouncer in acknowledgment.
JOKER
You’re exactly right, he should
have been thinking about the
windows. Because wouldn’t you know
it, the coffin comes crashing right
through.
29.
BOUNCER
And now he can’t even get back
outside cause the front door is
blocked!
JOKER
He’s stuck! And the coffin is
really hoppin’ after him now, thump
thump, thump thump...
Batman leaves the club and slinks back into the shadows.
BOUNCER
I don’t think he’s getting away
this time. And after all that stuff
with the hot air balloons.
JOKER
How does a coffin even fly one of
those? Nobody knows!
BOUNCER
Nobody knows!
JOKER
Well the guy’s runnin’ through his
house, with the coffin tearin’
after him like a wild animal,
knocking over vases and picture
frames, just making a huge mess.
BOUNCER
You hate to see it.
JOKER
There’s only one place left to go.
The bathroom. The guy sprints
inside and slams the door behind
him, just as the coffin rams into
it.
BOUNCER
That door’s not gonna hold.
JOKER
It’s not. Already it’s splintering,
and the coffin just keeps ramming.
Thump thump.
BOUNCER
Thump thump.
30.
JOKER
The guy looks around the bathroom,
trying to find anything that might
help him escape the terrible power
of the coffin. He opens the
drawers, he opens the medicine
cabinet, and all the while the door
is just breaking apart.
The bouncer makes the sign of the cross.
BOUNCER
Jesus Mary and Joseph, save this
man.
JOKER
The door finally gives way, bits of
wood shooting in every direction,
just as the man reaches into the
medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle
of cough syrup, which stops the
coffin.
There is a momentary silence, and then a great chorus of

moans and boos from the various onlookers.
JOKER (CONT’D)
This night you have found
yourselves victims of the great and
terrible Joker, good day to you!
The Joker unicycles away.
INT. OLD-FASHIONED DINER - VERY EARLY MORNING
The sun has begun to rise on Gotham City. In a small diner on

the outskirts of town Batman and the Joker are having coffee
and pancakes.
BATMAN
That’s all I heard.
Batman carefully cuts a perfect triangle out of his five-

stack of pancakes.
JOKER
They could have been talking about
anything.
BATMAN
They could have. But my gut tells
me it was about yaoi.
31.
JOKER
That thief you were talking about,
the one who set you off on this
mission to begin with...
BATMAN
What about her?
JOKER
How would she even know about the
secret inner workings of the Biden
administration?
BATMAN
These sorts of things have a way of
getting out.
JOKER
I... don’t think that they do.
BATMAN
Well, this one did. And we have a
chance to stop it.
JOKER
Are you going to warn Harvey Dent?
BATMAN
What?
JOKER
About the threat to his life and
safety?
BATMAN
Oh. I forgot about that. I’ll send
him a text.
Batman takes a big bite out of his triangular pancake stack.
JOKER
Do you have your phone with you?
BATMAN
I’ll do it when I get home.
JOKER
It’s with your wallet, huh?
Batman begins cutting another triangle of pancakes. The Joker

has barely touched his own stack.
BATMAN
What’s with the attitude, Joker?
32.
The Joker puts his fork down.
JOKER
When I look at you I see so much
wasted potential.
BATMAN
Well, when I look at you I see a
sad clown.
The Joker leans forward.
JOKER
With your resources and, frankly,
absurd levels of dedication, you
could accomplish so much.
BATMAN
I already do.
JOKER
You’ve been at this vigilante thing
what, ten, fifteen years?
BATMAN
Fourteen and a half.
JOKER
Things are getting worse, they’re
not getting better.
BATMAN
There’s only so many criminals I
can catch in a day.
JOKER
Why do you think criminals exist?
BATMAN
Why does air exist?
JOKER
You think criminals are some sort
of naturally occurring phenomenon?
BATMAN
... yes?
JOKER
You’re a criminal yourself.
BATMAN
False.
33.
JOKER
Is vigilantism legal?
BATMAN
That doesn’t count.
JOKER
Why not?
BATMAN
Because I’m the good guy.
The Joker sighs.
JOKER
Do you know what the Federal
Reserve does?
BATMAN
I gotta go, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Batman stands up from the table.
JOKER
Alright, alright. Baby steps.
Batman takes a paper card out of one of the pouches on his

belt and puts it on the table.
BATMAN
Call this number, they’ll get you
paid for the cab fare. And the
pancakes.
JOKER
Great.
BATMAN
Meet me at Gotham Park tonight at
midnight, near the fountains.
JOKER
Sure. What are you up to in the
meantime?
BATMAN
There’s someone I gotta talk to.
34.
INT. WAYNE MANOR - DAY
In an elegant reading room filled with classical paintings,

flowing drapery, and ornate furniture, sits BRUCE WAYNE,
billionaire. He is wearing dark slacks and a well fitting
dress shirt and blazer.
Alfred walks a few steps into the room and then stops, facing
Bruce.
ALFRED
Master Bruce, your guest has
arrived. Shall I show him in?
BRUCE
Please do.
ALFRED
Very good, sir.
Alfred bows slightly and then leaves the room. A few moments
later, Batman walks in.
BRUCE
Batman. It’s been a while.
Bruce gets up from his chair to greet his guest, but Batman
keeps an awkward distance.
BATMAN
It has.
BRUCE
I was surprised to hear from you,
given...
BATMAN
How’re your parents?
BRUCE
Good, good. Dad’s enjoying
retirement. Mom’s... well, it’s
always hard to know with mom. How
about you?
BATMAN
Both still dead.
BRUCE
I meant how have you been?
BATMAN
Busy.
35.
BRUCE
Ah.
Bruce walks over to a CABINET at the far end of the room,

opening it to reveal a number of bottles and a mini fridge.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Drink?
Batman hesitates a moment before answering.
BATMAN
Do you still have those juices with
the twist tops?
Bruce smiles, opens the fridge and takes a red plastic bottle
out. He throws it to Batman, who catches it with one hand.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
Thanks.
Bruce, having poured himself a cognac, sits back down. Batman

twists the cap off his drink and takes a swig.
BRUCE
Not that I mind seeing you, I’m
glad you’re here, but...
BATMAN
Joe Biden is going to ban yaoi.
Bruce looks blankly at Batman.
BRUCE
I don’t know what that is.
BATMAN
It’s... a type of Japanese art.
Bruce leans forward.
BRUCE
Pornographic?
Batman turns his head away.
BATMAN
Not... exclusively, no.
BRUCE
Hah!
Batman turns an angry look on Bruce.

36.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Sorry, sorry. So this... “yaoi”,
does it feature...
BATMAN
It’s young men.
BRUCE
Aha. So you’re still...
BATMAN
I’m doing this to protect an art
form that all sorts of people
enjoy.
Bruce spreads out his hands in a placatory gesture, almost

spilling his cognac.
BRUCE
Of course. I’m a great lover of art
myself.
BATMAN
Hmph.
BRUCE
And you want me to petition the
President to stop it? Is that what
you’re here for? You know I don’t
go in for that political stuff.
BATMAN
No, nothing like that. I just don’t
want you to lend your support to
the ban, if asked.
BRUCE
Consider it done! Or rather, not
done. Not doing things is something
I excel at.
Bruce raises his cognac in a ‘cheers’ gesture.
BATMAN
Thank you.
BRUCE
Care to stick around? I’ve got some
friends coming over for tennis
later.
BATMAN
One more thing...
37.
BRUCE
Shoot.
Batman puts his juice down on a table and takes a camera out
of one of his pouches.
BATMAN
Do you mind if... I take a picture
with you?
Bruce lets out a guffaw.
BRUCE
What, do you have an Instagram page
or something now? Can I follow you?
BATMAN
I just want a picture.
BRUCE
Sure, why the hell not.
Bruce puts his cognac down and walks over to where Batman is
awkwardly standing with his camera. Bruce puts his arm around
Batman’s shoulder and, with his other hand, makes the ‘peace’
sign.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Cheesecake!
Batman snaps the photo.
BATMAN
Got it.
Bruce removes his arm from Batman’s shoulder.
BRUCE
Batman, really. Don’t be a
stranger.
BATMAN
It’s hard not to be.
Batman begins to walk off. Then he remembers his juice and

comes back for it, taking the juice with him as he leaves.
EXT. BATCAVE - LATER
Batman is at his huge central computer, and on one of the

screens we see the photo he took with Bruce. Various points
appear on Bruce’s face, which quickly transform into a 3D
mesh.
38.
A 3D version of Bruce’s face is extracted from this mesh, and

then a progress bar appears over it. When the progress bar is
finished, a machine to the right of the computer begins
buzzing. It’s an advanced 3D printer, and it’s printing a
mask of Bruce’s face.
BATMAN
Perfect.
EXT. GOTHAM PARK - MIDNIGHT
The Joker, sans-makeup, wearing colorful plaid pants, a black

shirt, and a colorful plaid jacket, is waiting by a giant
fountain in the center of the park. His hands are in his
pockets, as the night is chilly.
A man looking exactly like Bruce Wayne in a well-fitting

black suit causally walks up to the Joker.
BRUCE
Hello, Joker.
JOKER
Uh...
The Joker looks at Bruce with a sense of dim recollection.
JOKER (CONT’D)
Are you...
BRUCE
Bruce Wayne?
JOKER
God, it is you. Gross. What do you
want with me?
Bruce leans very close to the Joker.
BRUCE
Actually, it’s me. It’s Batman. I’m
wearing a mask.
The Joker looks closer at Bruce and his eyes get a little
wider.
JOKER
Yaoi zowie. What in the world have
you been up to, Bats?
BATMAN
We’re going to the White House.
39.
JOKER
Are we?
BATMAN
I’m going to meet the President,
disguised as Bruce Wayne.
JOKER
And the president’s going to tell
you about his big yaoi plan?
BATMAN
I find that people tend to tell me
what I want to hear.
JOKER
I bet they do.
BATMAN
Once we expose the truth, the court
of public opinion will set things
right.
JOKER
You’ve got this all figured out,
huh?
A large hovercraft shaped like a Bat descends from the sky.

It’s making a tremendous amount of noise.
BATMAN
Let’s go save yaoi.
INT. BAT HOVERCRAFT - LATER
Batman, still in disguise as Bruce Wayne, sits at the

controls of the hovercraft. The Joker sits in the co-pilot
seat next to him.
JOKER
How’d you get such a high-quality
Bruce Wayne mask made?
BATMAN
I took a 3D scan of his face.
JOKER
So you DO know the guy.
BATMAN
I... technically live under his
house. We have the same butler.
40.
JOKER
Wait, I was right about the source
of your money?
BATMAN
No. I’ve got my own wealth. He
doesn’t give me anything.
JOKER
You sound kind of bitter.
BATMAN
I don’t want his money. I just...
Batman is silent for a moment.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
We grew up together. We got close
after my parents died. We used to
be best friends, and then...
Batman is finding it difficult to turn memories into words.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
I told him something, the most
important thing I’ve ever told
anyone, and he laughed at me.
JOKER
Ah.
BATMAN
What’s “ah.”
JOKER
You told him you loved him and he
was a douche about it.
BATMAN
Don’t call him a douche.
JOKER
Am I right?
BATMAN
Maybe.
JOKER
Eh, it happens to all of us at some
point.
BATMAN
... does it?
41.
JOKER
Remember Calendar Man?
BATMAN
Dimly.
JOKER
I always fall for the smart bald
guys. But they don’t often fall for
me.
BATMAN
Calendar Man.
JOKER
Calendar Man. I don’t even remember
his civilian name.
BATMAN
Me neither.
JOKER
The worst part was, right after he
shot me down my Google calendar
dates got deleted. All of them.
BATMAN
Terrible.
JOKER
They still don’t work right to this
very day. I schedule something, the
next day it’s gone.
BATMAN
Calendar Man did that?
JOKER
I can’t prove it, but the timing
was suspicious.
BATMAN
Does he have... power over
calendars?
JOKER
I think my passwords are just super
easy to guess.
BATMAN
Hmm.
The Joker sighs.

42.
JOKER
He was so smart... and so bald...
There is a pause in the conversation. The sun begins to rise

over the horizon.
BATMAN
Why the clown stuff?
JOKER
I like jokes.
BATMAN
Clowns don’t usually tell jokes.
JOKER
They do, it’s just through physical
performance instead of words.
BATMAN
But you tell word jokes.
JOKER
Sometimes things don’t have a
dramatic point of origin. Sometimes
you just like telling jokes and
dressing like a clown.
BATMAN
And doing crimes.
JOKER
What I do shouldn’t be a crime.
BATMAN
You rob banks.
JOKER
I infiltrate banks, I don’t rob
them.
BATMAN
What’s the difference?
JOKER
I don’t want money, I want money to
disappear.
BATMAN
Hmph.
There is another pause in the conversation.

43.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
I think we’re here.
JOKER
Washington D.C.?
BATMAN
The White House.
JOKER
We... can’t just land at the White
House.
BATMAN
We can and we are.
JOKER
We’re going to get shot down...
BATMAN
This hover-ship can’t be targeted.
Special tech. We’ll be fine.
JOKER
What about after we land?
BATMAN
That’s where you come in.
JOKER
How could that possibly be where I
come in?
BATMAN
I need you to cause a distraction.
JOKER
Batman... we’re talking about the
secret service.
BATMAN
I need you to distract them while I
sneak into the White House.
JOKER
They’re going to shoot me, Batman.
BATMAN
I don’t think they will.
JOKER
This plan sucks eggs.
44.
BATMAN
I disagree.
The Joker throws his hands up in the air in frustration.
JOKER
Well, if we’re going to do this let
me at least put my clown makeup on.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - MOMENTS LATER
The Bat Hovercraft lands gently on the White House lawn in

front of a large fountain. Immediately there are two dozen
SECRET SERVICE agents rushing the craft, guns drawn.
The door of the hovercraft opens up and the Joker, now

wearing full makeup, stumbles out.
JOKER
Anyone heard the joke about the two
horses?
Various secret service agents tackle the Joker, who tumbles

to the ground.
JOKER (CONT’D)
One of them... is named sugar. The
other... spice...
Batman, disguised as Bruce Wayne and looking like a secret

service agent in his black suit, subtly blends himself into
the group and then vanishes in the chaos.
The Joker is roughly dragged away.
JOKER (CONT’D)
These horses, they love to race...
INT. WHITE HOUSE HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The White House is in a frenzy as various secret service

members quickly move from place to place. Assorted white
house staff look around confused and worried.
Batman confidently makes his way down the hallway and takes a
right into a meeting room.
45.
INT. WHITE HOUSE MEETING ROOM
The room contains a long oval table and numerous chairs. The
walls are full of small decorative recesses in which various
statues stand.
On one of the chairs sits President JOE BIDEN, as well as one

of his ADVISORS and a secret service member.
Batman steps up to the table.
BATMAN
Mr. President.
JOE BIDEN
By god, it’s Bruce Wayne. Bruce,
good to see you.
Batman moves to shake Biden’s hand. The secret service member

darts forward to intercept, but Biden waves him away.
JOE BIDEN (CONT’D)

None of that, this is Bruce Wayne.
If you can’t trust a billionaire
who can you trust.
Joe Biden shakes Batman’s hand and then gestures to a seat.

Sit down, sit down. Sorry about the
welcome, everyone’s rilled up like
a rooster in a fox’s den about some
clown on the front lawn.
The advisor gets up, nods at Batman, and then leaves the
room.
BATMAN
Thank you, Mr. President.
JOE BIDEN
Please, I’ve told you, call me Joe.
BATMAN
Of course. Joe.
JOE BIDEN
It’s great you’re here, I’ve been
meaning to pick your brain about a
couple things.
BATMAN
I’m all ears.
46.
Joe looks over at the secret service agent.
JOE BIDEN
Give us some privacy for a minute,
will you?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT

Sir, there’s been an incident
outside...
JOE BIDEN
Then go outside for heaven’s sake,
just give me and Bruce here some
elbow room.

Sir.
The agent reluctantly leaves the room and shuts the door
behind him.
Joe Biden points to a briefcase in the center of the oval

table.
JOE BIDEN
Hey Bruce, can you slide that puppy
over to me?
Batman slides the briefcase over to Joe Biden. Joe undoes the
latches and opens the case, revealing various wrapped bundles
of human hair.
After some deliberation he takes out a brunette bundle and

takes a huge whiff of it. He looks over at Batman.

You want in on this?
BATMAN
Not my particular vice.
JOE BIDEN
Not enough people appreciate hair.
Wondrous stuff.
Joe takes another whiff and then puts the hair back into the
briefcase before closing it.
BATMAN
How’s the family?
47.
JOE BIDEN
I think that’s enough dilly-
dallyin, let’s cut to the chase,
Batman.
BATMAN
I...
JOE BIDEN
Bruce gave me a ring me and said
you might be up to some monkey
business. Or bat business, as it
may be.
BATMAN
Damn it, Bruce...
Batman takes the Bruce Wayne mask off, revealing his Batman
cowl underneath.
JOE BIDEN
Now, now, he was just looking out
for you. Worried you’d get yourself
in a whole mess of hot water.
BATMAN
So you know why I’m here?
JOE BIDEN
You’re here to keep all those
pretty little cartoon boys away
from the long arm of the
government, right?
BATMAN
Those aren’t the words I would use
to describe it, but yes.
JOE BIDEN
Listen, buddy, you know I don’t
have a single crow to pick with
that kind of thing. Barack and I
made all that legal to begin with.
BATMAN
So it isn’t true? You aren’t going
to ban yaoi?
JOE BIDEN
I’m saying it’s more complicated
than you think. There are things
about yaoi you don’t fully
understand.
48.
BATMAN
Well then, educate me.
JOE BIDEN
Let’s go on a little field trip.
Joe stands up and walks over to one of the small statues

sitting in a recessed area of the wall. The statue is a bust
of President Taft. Biden pulls the statue’s head back,
revealing a button. As he presses the button, a large area of
wall next to the recess opens up to reveal a secret elevator.
INT. SECRET WHITE HOUSE ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
Joe Biden and Batman are riding the secret elevator downward.
A soft MECHANICAL HUM can be heard.
BATMAN
How far down are we going?
JOE BIDEN
It’s a ways. You’ll see why.
EXT. SECRET UNDERGROUND HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
There is a ding from the elevator, and the doors open upon a
strange white hallway. Adorning the walls of the hallway are
various yaoi prints and paintings. There are pedestals
displaying yaoi anime DVDs, and various other yaoi artifacts.
Batman cautiously steps out of the elevator and looks around,

stunned. Joe Biden follows him.
BATMAN
I don’t understand...
JOE BIDEN
The United States Government has
been keepin’ an eye on the yaoi
situation since the 70s, although
all of this...
Joe waves around at everything.

... didn’t come about until the
great yaoi boom of the 90s.
BATMAN
Why does the government care so
much about yaoi?
49.
Batman walks from exhibit to exhibit, taking in all the yaoi.
JOE BIDEN
At first it was a moral panic sort
of thing, raisin’ a ruckus over
what Japanese art was gonna do to
American children.
BATMAN
And then?
JOE BIDEN
Al Gore became fixated on yaoi like
a dog with a bone, and set up a
research center in the White
House’s fallout shelter. That’s
where we’re at now. Bill had a
tizzy fit when he found out, let me
tell you.
BATMAN
And where does your own interest
lie?
JOE BIDEN
Me? I don’t care two licks for the
stuff. But as for U.S. interests...
there was a yaoi event that really
shook things up in the early 2000s.
Batman turns sharply to Joe Biden.
BATMAN
Do you mean...
Joe looks confused for a second, then laughs.
JOE BIDEN
No, I’m not about to tell you that
yaoi did 9/11. What I’m referring
to happened a few months before,
9/11 just delayed the government’s
response to it.
BATMAN
So what was the event?
By this point Batman and Joe Biden have reached the end of
the hallway. They are standing in front of a large electronic
door.
Joe punches in a code on the keypad, which BEEPS, and then

the door begins to open.
50.
JOE BIDEN
See for yourself.
The electronic door lifts with a loud METALLIC STRAINING

sound, revealing a circular room with a large containment
chamber in the center made out of some sort of transparent
plastic.
INT. CONTAINMENT CHAMBER
Batman steps inside this new room, and walks up to the edge
of the containment chamber. Inside the chamber there are,
huddled together, TWO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL CARTOON MEN.
BATMAN
This is...
JOE BIDEN
I told you it was complicated.
BATMAN
What am I looking at?
JOE BIDEN
Yaoi is real, Batman.
One of the yaoi, the taller of the two, looks up, an

expression of deep longing and sadness on his beautiful face.
Batman puts one of his hands on the glass.
BATMAN
Is this a projection? Some sort of
hologram?
JOE BIDEN
They’re as real as a pine tree in
Kansas, and they can interact with
the physical world.
The taller yaoi gracefully stands up, and then walks over to
the inner edge of the enclosure. He puts his hand on the
transparent plastic, lining his fingers up with Batman’s.
BATMAN
Why do you keep them locked up?
JOE BIDEN
In spite of their appearance, they
ain’t human. These two have been
here for twenty years and neither
has aged a day. Both are still as
handsome and young as a spring
sunrise.
51.
Batman turns to look at Joe Biden.
BATMAN
What crime have they committed?
Joe Biden smirks.
JOE BIDEN
Come on now, you know how this
works.
BATMAN
Do I?
JOE BIDEN
These two are illegal aliens. They
don’t have rights, they don’t even
have a country.
BATMAN
Everyone has rights.
JOE BIDEN
With respect, I’m the President,
and I say yaoi do not have rights.
BATMAN
Everyone is equal under the law.
JOE BIDEN
Buddy, you’ve gotta understand.
Joe Biden leans close to Batman.

That just ain’t true.
Batman slams his fist against the plastic enclosure, causing

the tall yaoi to scuttle away. Joe Biden leans back away from
Batman, seemingly undisturbed by the outburst.
BATMAN
How many more are there?
JOE BIDEN
You gotta calm down, bub.
BATMAN
Answer the question.
JOE BIDEN
Dozens. Hundred maybe. Nobody
really knows.
52.
BATMAN
How has this remained so quiet?
JOE BIDEN
We’ve been very good at recovery
and containment, so far. But
listen, Batman.
Joe Biden puts his hand on Batman’s shoulder.

This is becoming a crisis faster
than a squirrel can run up a tree.
And not the good kind of crisis we
can find an angle on to strengthen
the economy. This is something that
threatens the very system itself.
Batman looks Joe Biden dead in the eyes.
BATMAN
If the system can’t survive yaoi,
maybe it doesn’t deserve to
survive.
Joe Biden takes his hand off of Batman’s shoulder.
JOE BIDEN
I’m sorry to hear you say that. I
was really hoping we could hitch
our wagons together on this.
Taser darts suddenly fly into Batman, shot from a secret

service agent appearing from a previously unseen panel in the
wall. Batman howls with rage and falls to his knees.
Utilizing an almost supernatural strength, Batman fights the

tasering and begins to stand up again. Joe Biden looks
panicked for a moment.

Come on, get him. Get him!
A second set of taser darts hits Batman from another secret

service agent. Batman falls onto his hands and knees. Still,
he inches forward, a look of utter rage on his face, towards
Joe Biden.

What in the Sam Hill has Bruce been
feeding this guy?
A third and fourth set of taser darts hit Batman, causing him
to fully collapse onto the floor.
53.
Both the tall and short yaoi are now kneeling at the edge of
the enclosure, their hands pressed against the glass, looking
at Batman with tears in their big beautiful eyes. It is the
last thing Batman sees before he blacks out.
INT. WHITE HOUSE SECRET PRISON - LATER
Batman awakes to find himself in a large, secret prison. The

walls are made of white stone, and there are numerous holding
areas protected by steel bars.
The Joker, looking rather worse for wear with rips in his
clothes and a black eye, is in the same cell.
On the other side of the room, in another cell, there are a

number of LONG HAIRED WOMEN.
Batman sits up and looks over at the Joker, who is staring

off into space.
BATMAN
Yaoi is real.
JOKER
What?
BATMAN
It’s real.
JOKER
Like, the ban?
BATMAN
No. I mean, that too. But I saw two
yaois.
JOKER
What does that even mean?
BATMAN
Yaoi is real.
JOKER
Yeah, I got a couple owie yowie’s
myself.
The Joker points at his black eye.
Batman lies back down.
BATMAN
This is so much bigger than I
initially thought.
54.
JOKER
Well, our part in the business is
decidedly done. I don’t think we’re
in the sort of prison they let you
out of.
BATMAN
What do you mean?
JOKER
You see those women?
The Joker points at the women in the cell across the room.
Batman sits up again to look at them.
BATMAN
Yeah?
JOKER
Apparently they’ve been here for
years. Their hair grows like
crazy... some experimental growth
accelerant. Twice a week someone
shaves their heads and takes the
hair away for who knows what.
BATMAN
It’s for Biden. He sniffs it. I’ve
seen him do it.
JOKER
Damn. Yeah, we’re never getting out
of here.
They sit in silence for a moment.
BATMAN
Tell me what the difference is.
JOKER
The difference?
BATMAN
Between communism and anarchy.
JOKER
What, now?
BATMAN
We’ve got time.
55.
JOKER
That depends a lot on what kind of
communism you’re talking about and
what kind of anarchy.
Batman groans and slides himself back against a wall.
BATMAN
What do you want, Joker? Lets say
you’re right about the government,
about the whole system, what’s the
alternative?
JOKER
The abandonment of hierarchy.
Liberty through social equality.
The removal of large concentrations
of power.
BATMAN
How do you even do that?
JOKER
Massive social revolution.
BATMAN
And you’re going to achieve that by
telling long, unfunny jokes and
robbing banks?
JOKER
Infiltrating. Look, I don’t think
any of this is going to happen in
my lifetime. It might never happen.
But nothing changes without people
trying to change it. Sometimes all
you can be is a rolling stone, and
then hope you’re actually the start
of an avalanche.
A faint PITTER PATTER sound can be heard coming from the

ceiling of the prison.
BATMAN
What is that?
The sound gets louder.
JOKER
I’m not sure. Rats?
There is a much louder scratching sound, and bits of ceiling

begin to fall to the floor.
56.
BATMAN
Not rats. Cats.
A huge chunk of ceiling above the empty space between the

cells breaks away, and about a dozen mechanized cats pour
through, followed by CATWOMAN - a woman in a full-body black
furry cat suit. She has a large duffel bag with her.
CATWOMAN
What? In the world?
Batman gets up and stumbles over to the cell bars.
BATMAN
Catwoman.
JOKER
Oh my god, it is.
The Joker also makes his way over to the cell bars.
JOKER (CONT’D)
I haven’t seen you in ages! I
didn’t even know you were still
alive.
CATWOMAN
One sec...
Catwoman rifles through her duffel bag and takes out two sets
of sharp looking metal teeth. She fits each set into a
different mechanized cat, and then sends them off to start
chewing on the bars which imprison the long-haired women.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
Still alive, just depressed. And
off the grid. And also I hate your
jokes.
JOKER
They’re... generally not crowd
pleasers, no.
BATMAN
What are you doing here?
CATWOMAN
Are you going to snitch on me to
the cops?
BATMAN
I’m locked in a black site prison.
57.
CATWOMAN
Oh. Alright. There are yaoi trapped
here, I’m trying to set them free.
JOKER
Wait, yaoi is real?
CATWOMAN
Yaoi is real, and they need help.
Which is why I started NYAN: the
New Yaoi Assistance Network.
JOKER
What happened to the old one?
CATWOMAN
My girlfriend dumped me.
Batman shakes the bars.
BATMAN
I want to join NYAN.
Catwoman walks up to the bars.
CATWOMAN
Right now I’m the only member. And
I don’t know if I want Batman to be
the second.
BATMAN
Please. I want to help the yaoi.
The mechanized cats finish their chewing, and the long-haired

women step out of their cells. The two cats walk back to
Catwoman and stand on either side of her.
CATWOMAN
You’re more of a “law and order”
guy, are you sure you’ve got the
stomach for truly radical action?
BATMAN
These last few days my world has
been turned upside-down. Whatever
it’s going to take to save yaoi,
I’m in.
CATWOMAN
Well then, welcome to NYAN.
The two mechanized cats begin eating away at the bars.

58.
INT. TUNNELS UNDER THE WHITE HOUSE - LATER
Batman, Catwoman, the Joker, the women with the fast-growing

hair, and various mechanized cats are regrouping in a big
tunnel.
CATWOMAN
I’ve been searching for weeks, but
I never found any yaoi. Now I know
why.
BATMAN
How far down are we here?
CATWOMAN
Around forty feet or so.
BATMAN
If I had to guess, the two yaoi I
saw are 400 meters lower.
Catwoman makes a hissing sound.
CATWOMAN
There’s no way to get that far down
without taking the direct route.
BATMAN
The Joker could cause a
distraction.
The Joker throws his hands in the air.
JOKER
I have other skills!
Batman looks at him critically.
BATMAN
Like what?
JOKER
Political theory.
BATMAN
Do you think political theory will
help us break into the bunker?
JOKER
Sometimes implications can be far-
reaching!
Catwoman gestures towards the long-haired women.

59.
CATWOMAN
We need to get them out of here and
come back when we have a better
plan, and the right tools for the
job.
JOKER
As the person here with the most
experience getting arrested, let me
remind you all that there’s going
to be a lot of heat on us. We know
about the yaoi, and Biden’s hair
thing. The government’s not going
to want any of that getting out.
CATWOMAN
We’ll be safe for a few days at
least. I’ve got a place. It’s where
I’ve been hiding yaoi.
Batman turns to Catwoman, a look of yearning on his face.
BATMAN
You’ve found other yaoi?
EXT. CATWOMAN’S YAOI SANCTUARY - DAY
Catwoman’s yaoi sanctuary is Glen Echo Park, an abandoned

theme park about 8 miles outside of Washington D.C.
Batman, Catwoman, and the Joker walk through the art-deco

entrance, which is made up of two red and yellow spires with
the words GLEN ECHO PARK suspended between them. Through this
entrance is a world of abandoned rides, buildings, and candy
stands.
And yaoi. Beautiful, young cartoon men can be seen in every

direction, frolicking, laughing, dancing, and in some
instances having extremely explicit sex.
At the center of the park sits a beautiful carousel from

1921, still in operation, on which a number of yaoi are
cheerfully riding. Some of these yaoi are also having sex.
Batman looks around in wonder.
BATMAN
This... this is...
CATWOMAN
Beautiful, right?
60.
BATMAN
It is.
CATWOMAN
Sometimes seeing them is the only
thing that gets me through the day.
The Joker stares at a small orgy of voracious, limb-tangled

yaoi. Then he shakes his gaze away and takes in the rest of
the park.
JOKER
This place is abandoned? It looks
pretty well maintained.
CATWOMAN
Yeah, but at the moment I’m the one
who maintains it.
JOKER
Does no one else ever stumble
onto... all this?
CATWOMAN
They do. But there’s something
about the yaoi, something about
their beauty... most people just
don’t want to ruin it.
Batman has slow tears running down his face.
BATMAN
Thank you for bringing me here.
CATWOMAN
There’s a building I’ve been
squatting in at the end of the
path. Follow me.
INT. GLEN ECHO PARK MACHINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Catwoman leads Batman and the Joker into a building that was
once a candy shop, but which now functions as Catwoman’s home
and robotics assembly area.
Trays that once held gummy drops now hold gears and screws,
and every corner of the room is home to some hacked-together
piece of machinery.
Catwoman sets her duffel bag down on the floor. It CRUNCHES

on top of various mechanical bits and pieces which litter the
ground.
61.
CATWOMAN
You... might need to sleep outside.
I forgot how much junk I’ve got in
here.
JOKER
You’ve gotten really into robotics,
huh?
CATWOMAN
Yeah. My cat died.
JOKER
Oh. I’m sorry.
CATWOMAN
So I’ve been making lots of robot
cats, and saving yaoi.
JOKER
Uh huh.
BATMAN
Makes sense to me.
CATWOMAN
If you get hungry I’ve got...
Catwoman knocks a few stray items off the lid of a small

chest freezer, then opens it. It’s full of frozen burritos.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
Frozen bean burritos. Because
that’s what was on the delivery
truck I broke into.
She takes out three burritos and leaves them on top of the
freezer.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
You’ll need to let them sit for a
while. I don’t have a microwave.
JOKER
I’ve got a joke about a burrito.
CATWOMAN
I will peel off your face...
JOKER
I’m not...
62.
CATWOMAN
... if you tell me your burrito
joke.
JOKER
Okay.
CATWOMAN
I gotta go for a bit.
Catwoman walks around the room, stuffing a few items into her
duffel bag.
BATMAN
Do you need any help?
CATWOMAN
Batman can come, the Joker cannot.
Catwoman leaves the building, duffel bag in hand. Batman

follows her, and the Joker shrugs and grabs a burrito from
the top of the freezer.
EXT. SHRINE TO NYA NYA - LATER
In a small grassy clearing, under the shade of a large

American Sycamore tree, there is a shrine to Nya Nya, a black
Bombay cat.
A laminated picture of Nya Nya sits in a weather-worn frame

tacked to the tree, and below it there is a covered wooden
tray filled with knick-knacks and cat toys. To the sides of
the tray are small vases filled with long-extinguished
incense.
Catwoman sits herself down in front of the picture of Nya

Nya, and takes fresh incense from her duffel bag. She lights
them, and then sets them unevenly in the vases - most of them
get placed in the left vase, one of them in the right.
Batman stands to the side, observing the ritual with solemn

respect.
Catwoman opens the wooden tray and takes out a ribbon, a

small fuzzy ball, and a grody felt pepper, then places all
three objects on top of the tray.
She sits in silence for a minute.
CATWOMAN
This is Nya Nya. She died a year
ago today.
63.
Batman remains silent.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
She was the last of my cats, from
the day I became Catwoman. The last
who was there for me during my
journey.
A gentle breeze picks up, catching in the sycamore’s leaves.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
She loved to catch huge, terrible
bugs and bring them to me. She
loved to ride around on my
shoulder. She loved to hiss and
scratch at anyone I brought to my
apartment. She loved to sleep
inside my cat suit when I wasn’t
wearing it.
Catwoman is silent for a moment.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
She was always waiting at the
window when I came back from a
night’s prowl. Her eyes shining
bright, even in the darkness. Her
gaze let me know I was home.
Catwoman takes the one lit incense from the right vase, and
moves it to the left.
CATWOMAN (CONT’D)
She was my best friend, and I will
never see those eyes again.
There is a long silence. Smoke from the incense gently

journeys away on the breeze.
BATMAN
Thank you, for letting me come.
CATWOMAN
You understand the abyss that is
death, if nothing else.
Batman looks into the faded eyes of Nya Nya, and Nya Nya
seems to look back.
One of the yaoi, a small young man named Ren with short red
hair and sparkling yellow eyes, walks across the grassy
clearing and approaches Batman. He does so carefully, like
one approaches a startled animal.
64.
Batman doesn’t resist as the yaoi gently takes his hand and
leads him away.
EXT. GLEN ECHO PARK FLOWER BED
Batman is led to a resting area on the edge of the park,

which is covered in red, purple, and yellow tulips. They sit
together in the grass and the flowers.
REN
I’m Ren.
BATMAN
I’m Batman.
REN
What brings you to Glen Echo Park?
Batman looks at Ren for a moment.
BATMAN
I suppose... you. You’re what
brings me here.
Ren blushes. Batman blushes as well, and turns away.
REN
Well, whatever brought you here,
I’m glad you came.
BATMAN
What is it that you want?
REN
I don’t understand.
BATMAN
You and the others.
Batman gestures to the other yaoi.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
What is it you all want?
REN
Just to love. To find love, and to
give it. Is there ever anything
else?
Batman sighs long and hard.
BATMAN
Maybe there isn’t.
65.
Ren reaches out and squeezes Batman’s hand. Batman squeezes

back.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
How did you get here? Where did you
come from?
REN
We’ve been here for as long as
there’s been love. It just takes a
while for people to see us. It
takes a while for us to wake up.
Batman thinks hard about what he’s just been told.
BATMAN
Are there many more of you?
REN
Oh yes. There are as many of us as
there are flowers, or rainclouds,
or summer breezes.
BATMAN
I wish I had known sooner.
Ren smiles at Batman.
REN
You know now. And that’s all that
matters.
Batman looks solemnly off into the distance.
BATMAN
I think I know what I need to do.
INT. ALFRED'S YAOI ROOM - NIGHT
Alfred, sitting in an old but elegant arm chair, is reading

yaoi by candlelight.
It is storming outside. A flash of lightning briefly

illuminates the rest of the room, revealing Batman lurking
behind Alfred.
Alfred, without looking up from his yaoi, addresses Batman.
ALFRED
Is there something you needed, sir?
BATMAN
Yaoi is real, Alfred.
66.
Alfred puts his manga down on a little wooden side table.
ALFRED
Of course it’s real.
BATMAN
No, I mean...
Batman steps out of the shadows and into the candlelight.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
There are yaoi walking the Earth.
ALFRED
We’re on the same page, sir.
BATMAN
You... can see them?
ALFRED
I’ve been seeing yaoi since 1982. I
see them in the garden, I see them
in the market, I see them at
church. Once yaoi finds its way
into your heart, you realize
they’ve been there all along.
BATMAN
The yaoi are in trouble, Alfred.
ALFRED
What is it that can be done, and
how can I help?
BATMAN
I know this is asking a lot, but...
I need your yaoi collection.
Alfred looks around at the collection he has spent the last

fifty years gathering.
ALFRED
Yaoi has added so much to the
texture of my life. If all I need
to sacrifice in order to repay that
kindness is my manga collection, I
will consider that a tremendous
bargain.
BATMAN
Thank you, Alfred.
67.
ALFRED
Think nothing of it. Now, let’s get
packing.
INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - NIGHT
Bruce Wayne, wearing a dark suit with the tie loosened, sits
at his desk in front of a large window overlooking Gotham
City. He is reading financial reports on a tablet.
Bruce hears a small THUD at the other end of his office and
gets up from his desk to investigate, setting the tablet down
as he does so.
Near the far wall of his office he stops, noticing something

strange on the floor. He stoops down to pick the object up.
It’s an empty squeeze-top juice bottle.
Bruce Wayne’s eyes have a quick flash of understanding before

Batman appears from overhead, swooping down and tackling him
to the ground before he can react.
INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES SERVER ROOM - LATER
Various computers beep and boop in a large server room in one

of the basement levels of Wayne Enterprises. Bruce Wayne is
tied up on a chair pressed against the far wall.
Catwoman is at a computer terminal typing ferociously, while

Batman and the Joker scan various yaoi into an industrial
scanner, digitizing the pages.
BRUCE
I know you’ve had your share of
problems, but I never though I’d
see the day you became a villain.
BATMAN
I’m doing what’s right. That
doesn’t make me a villain.
BRUCE
You don’t get to decide what’s
right. The government decides that.
BATMAN
Joe Biden was keeping kidnapped
women in a White House dungeon so
he could sniff their hair.
BRUCE
I... huh. Really?
68.
JOKER
He absolutely was.
CATWOMAN
And that wasn’t even the worst
thing he’s done.
BRUCE
Well, uh, nevertheless...
Batman steps away from the scanner and towards Bruce.
BATMAN
Why’d you warn Biden? Even after
everything, I thought we were still
friends.
BRUCE
I was worried you were getting in
over your head.
BATMAN
You almost got me killed. And now
I’m almost certainly on a CIA hit-
list because I know about Biden’s
hair thing.
BRUCE
I didn’t know it would turn out
this way! I’m not a politics guy!
BATMAN
You’re Bruce Wayne. You’re a
politics guy whether you like it or
not.
BRUCE
What are you even doing here? Why
is a furry and a clown messing with
the Wayne Enterprise servers?
Batman grabs one of the yaoi manga, and trusts it in front of

Bruce’s face.
BATMAN
This is why we’re here.
BRUCE
You’re here for... pornography?
BATMAN
It’s yaoi, and it’s art.
69.
BRUCE
And what are you...
Bruce goes still for a moment, and then his eyes widen,
focusing on something behind Batman. He jumps back in his
seat and tries to get out of his bonds, to no avail.
Batman looks behind him, in the direction of Bruce’s gaze. An

impossibly tall and beautiful young cartoon man is leaning
against one of the servers, his long silver hair blowing in
non-existent wind.
Batman, with a look of interest and the beginnings of a smile

on his face, turns back to Bruce.
BATMAN
You can see the yaoi.
BRUCE
What? I can’t see anything.
BATMAN
You can see the beautiful silver-
haired man over there.
Bruce’s head snaps to Batman’s.
BRUCE
It’s... yaoi is real?
BATMAN
Yaoi is real, and we’re going to
help people around the world to see
that.
Bruce looks at the Joker, who is still scanning the pages of

yaoi, and then at Catwoman, typing away at a computer
terminal.
BRUCE
You’re using the Wayne
Communications Network to send yaoi
out to every computer in the
world...
BATMAN
We are.
Bruce looks over at the tall beautiful yaoi, then at

Catwoman.
BRUCE
Uh, Ms. Catwoman?
70.
Catwoman’s head doesn’t leave the computer screen.
CATWOMAN
What’s up, Brucy?
BRUCE
Would it help if you had my
administrator password?
Catwoman looks over at Bruce.
CATWOMAN
That would speed things up, yeah.
Bruce’s eyes dart to Batman for a second, and then away

again.
BRUCE
It’s “batman69420”.
Catwoman gives a small, irritated sigh.
CATWOMAN
Thanks.
Batman looks at Bruce, whose face is still turned away.
BRUCE
I’m still a bit of a schoolboy,
what can I say.
BATMAN
I... have a similar password on the
Bat Computer.
Bruce smiles a mournful smile, then his smile turns into a

sudden frown.
BRUCE
Oh, damn. I set off a silent alarm
with my watch. There will be guards
on their way. They know it’s a
hostage situation, and they won’t
accept a stand-down order.
Batman turns to the Joker.
BATMAN
Joker...
The Joker gives a big grunt and puts down the yaoi he was
scanning.
71.
JOKER
Distraction, got it.
BATMAN
Wait...
The Joker halts, mid stride.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
Let’s do this one together.
INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES LOBBY - MINUTES LATER
The lobby of Wayne Enterprises is a vast expanse of

elaborately decorated wood, marble, and glass, a masterpiece
of Art Nouveau design.
Thirty or so GUARDS are gathered, getting ready to deploy.
The lights in the lobby suddenly go dark, just as the lobby’s

speakers CRACKLE to life. The voice of the Joker can be heard
booming from the speakers.
JOKER (O.S.)
So, a man goes to a magic show.
The guards raise their guns and look in a panic around the
dark room.
JOKER (O.S.) (CONT’D)

The magician is one of the most
renowned performers in his field. A
true genius at slight of hand...
the Joker.
A bat-a-rang flies from out of the shadows and knocks one of

the guard’s guns to the ground.

The show starts, and the man is
spellbound. The Joker more than
lives up to his reputation.
The guard who lost his gun is yanked by a grapple gun back
into the darkness.

Halfway through the act, the Joker
calls for a volunteer from the
audience. The man, truly in the
spirit of the night, volunteers,
and he’s brought up on stage.
72.
The two guards nearest the one who had been yanked begin
following the lost guard into the shadows. There are brief
SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE and then the TWUMP TWUMP of two bodies
hitting the floor.

The Joker asks the man for a
personal object, his wrist-watch,
which he promises to return. The
watch is an old family heirloom,
but the man, trusting the Joker and
the spirit of the performance,
hands it over.
A grapple flies down from the ceiling and wraps itself around
a guard who is holding a shotgun. The guard is yanked up into
the air, firing his gun once before dropping it.

Smash! The Joker hits the man’s
watch with a huge wooden mallet,
shattering it into smithereens!
Three guards lose their guns, one by one, to bat-a-rangs.

The man is filled with rage, and is
just about to strangle the Joker,
when that trickiest of magicians
points to the man’s pocket.
A guard fires randomly into the air in a panic. A bat-a-rang

hits him square in the face, knocking him to the ground.

The man reaches into his pocket and
discovers something quite
unexpected. Can you guess what is
inside his pocket? Can you guess
what the man finds? He finds his
watch, good as new. The audience
erupts with applause.
One of the guards is attempting to radio for backup, when

Batman himself appears from the darkness and punches him
unconscious.

As the show continues, the man
keeps looking down at his watch. A
cold realization hits him... it’s
not the same watch. The scratches,
the fading, all signs of wear are
gone.
73.
Batman ducks under the baton of an attacking guard and then

punches the guard in the side, just as another guard runs up
with a shotgun.

The man, furious at having a
treasured family heirloom destroyed
for the sake of a magic act,
decides to confront the Joker
backstage after the show.
Batman rushes the man with the shotgun, forcing the gun
upward so that when it fires its blast hits nothing. Then
Batman head-butts the guard while yanking the gun away,
tossing the weapon across the room.

The Joker, hearing the man’s
grievances, apologizes for the
deception, and promises to
compensate him for the loss of such
a precious family keepsake.
Two more guards attack Batman at once, getting one hit in

each before Batman grabs the arm of one and swings him into
the other, sending both guards toppling to the ground.

The man, placated by the Joker’s
charming manner, agrees to stay for
some coffee and cake in the Joker’s
dressing room.
There aren’t many guards left. One of the remaining guards

approaches Batman carefully but steadily, obviously looking
for an opening.

The man sips at his coffee, and
chooses a delightful looking sweet
roll from the tray of baked goods
the Joker offers.
The guard lunges at Batman, but Batman is too quick, deftly

maneuvering around the strike and elbowing the guard in the
back of the head. The guard stumbles for a second before
Batman kicks him to the ground.

Taking a bite of the sweet roll,
the man discovers something quite
unexpected. Can you guess what is
inside that roll? Can you guess
what the man finds?
74.
The two remaining guards attempt to attack Batman with a

pincer movement, but Batman tosses two bat-a-rangs from
either hand and hits both guards in the face, knocking them
both out. All of the guards are now down.

Strawberry jam.
INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES SERVER ROOM - MINUTES LATER
The computer Catwoman is working on gives a happy little

beep, just as Batman and the Joker re-enter the room.
CATWOMAN
We’re ready for transmission.
BATMAN
Do it. Send out the yaoi.
The computer beeps again.
CATWOMAN
It’s done. The world is being
yaoi’d.
All of the computer screens in the room fill with yaoi.
Batman turns to leave.
JOKER
Where are you going?
BATMAN
I’m going to have a chat with the
President.
INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The oval office is dimly lit, and the night sky is clearly
visible through the windows behind the Resolute desk.
A sleepy Joe Biden wearing a cashmere night robe walks over

to the Resolute desk and leans against it. In front of him is
one of his advisors and a secret service agent.
JOE BIDEN
Alright, what’s the hullabaloo?
ADVISOR
This is, Mr. President.
75.
The advisor hands a tablet to Joe Biden. On the tablet there

are scrolling panels of yaoi manga.
JOE BIDEN
This is just yaoi.
ADVISOR
It’s everywhere, sir.
JOE BIDEN
What do you mean everywhere?
ADVISOR
Check your phone.
Joe Biden digs his cell phone out of his robe’s pocket.
JOE BIDEN
Well, I’ll be jiggered. Is that
even possible?
ADVISOR
At the moment we don’t know how
they’re transmitting it.
JOE BIDEN
No, I mean this.
Joe turns his phone to the advisor. There is an explicit yaoi

panel on it.

I didn’t know you could fit so much
back there.
The power in the oval office goes out. The secret service
agent immediately moves to Biden’s side.

Don’t move sir, there’s been a
power outage.
JOE BIDEN
Thanks for the update, pal. Why
haven’t the generators gone on?

I don’t know sir. I...
The agent stops mid sentence, a look of confusion on his

face.
JOE BIDEN
What is it?
76.

Yaoi, sir. I’ve just been told
there’s yaoi in the building.
JOE BIDEN
How many?

I don’t know. Possibly a lot.
The power comes back on. There are now at least a dozen yaoi
in the room. Some of them are staring at Joe Biden, some of
them are making out. One of them is posing sensually on a
sofa. One of them is on a horse, bareback.
JOE BIDEN
By god, they’re in the room...

We need to get you to a secure
location.
The secret service agent begins shuffling Joe Biden towards

the door. The advisor has moved to the window behind the
Resolute desk and is looking out onto the White House lawn.
ADVISOR
They’re everywhere...
JOE BIDEN
What?
Joe wrestles free of the agent and walks towards the window.
Sure enough, there are yaoi all over the lawn, dancing in the
moonlight.

Remind me, did you say yaoi had
been sent to every phone?
ADVISOR
Every phone, tablet, television,
and computer screen.
Joe’s eyes dart from yaoi to yaoi.
JOE BIDEN
People are waking up. People are
waking up to yaoi, and the yaoi are
waking up with them.
Two yaoi slam against the window of the oval office. They are
half naked and kissing, seemingly unaware of Joe Biden or his
advisor.
77.
Joe backs away from the window and bumps into the Resolute
desk. One of the drawers opens and a yaoi stretches out of
it, laughing as if he were running through a field of flowers
on a warm spring day. Joe recoils and stumbles back.
Another yaoi peels away from the wall like a painting come to
life, then lights a cigarette and leans back against the same
wall, blowing smoke rings towards the president.
Yet another yaoi, shirtless and lithe, stretches down from

the ceiling with a rose in his mouth. He walks towards the
president.
The secret service agent fires at the yaoi, but the bullets
simply bounce off. The yaoi takes the rose from his mouth,
breaks off the stem, and then places the rose in Joe Biden’s
hair.
The yaoi on the horse rides by and lifts up the rose-giving

yaoi. The rose-giving yaoi sits himself down on the horse
behind the first rider, wrapping his arms around him.
There is a TWUMP sound, and Joe Biden looks over to see that
his secret service agent has been knocked out, and Batman is
standing over the body.

Batman...
Batman looks at Joe Biden’s advisor.
BATMAN
Get out.
The advisor nods in understanding and runs out of the room.

The two yaoi on the horse give chase.
JOE BIDEN
You realize you’ve gone and opened
up Pandora’s Box.
BATMAN
In the original myth, Zeus made two
jars. One was filled with trouble
and evil, the other with blessings
and gifts.
Batman steps towards Joe Biden. A few of the yaoi place their
hands on his arms and shoulders, hanging upon and gathering
around him like a harem.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
It’ll take time to discover which
jar I’ve opened.
78.
Batman, now within arm’s reach of Biden, plucks the flower

out of the old man’s hair and sniffs it. He hands it to an
appreciative yaoi on his left.
JOE BIDEN
I never took you for a traitor,
Batman.
BATMAN
And who is it I’ve betrayed?
JOE BIDEN
The government. Your president. The
human race.
BATMAN
That’s where you’ve gone wrong,
Joe. Yaoi is just as much a part of
the human experience as you...
Batman raises one hand up to his bat cowl, and slowly peels
if off. Long luxurious black hair comes out, flowing from a
beautiful and sensitive cartoon face.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
... and me.
Joe Biden steps back in shock and alarm, violently hitting

the Resolute desk behind him.
JOE BIDEN
No... no!!
The yaoi hanging off of Batman begin to merge into him.
BATMAN
Goodbye, Joe.
All of the yaoi in the room melt into Batman, who grows
bigger and bigger. Furniture scrapes across the floor as it’s
pushed away by the growing yaoi Batman, and Biden falls back
on the Resolute desk just as the desk itself tips over.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE
The White House breaks apart as Batman, now a huge beautiful

yaoi, emerges from its center. The walls completely crumble
away and debris and rubble fall from Batman’s body.
Various secret service agents attempt to shoot at Batman, but

they are gently dragged to the ground by smaller yaoi.
79.
Batman continues growing until he absolutely towers over the

spot where the White House once stood.
As the moon shines down on his beautiful face, Batman stoops

down and plummets his muscular arm into the ground. A few
moments later he pulls it back up, and in his hand are the
two imprisoned yaoi, now free.
Batman holds the yaoi up to the moonlight. The two young men
kiss in the moon’s silver glow, their silhouette evoking the
bat symbol.
EXT. THE GARDENS OF WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT, TWO MONTHS LATER
It has been two months since the mass yaoi awakening.
The elaborate and well-tended gardens of Wayne Manor are

still and quiet in the cold night air. A lone figure walks
amongst the flowers and plants. It is Bruce Wayne, who
strolls the grounds every night like a lonely ghost.
Bruce kneels down next to a tulip, its yellow color barely

visible in the light of the night. He touches it gently, then
stands up and walks away.
Bruce continues along a stepped path, his hands in his

pockets, a look of well-accustomed isolation in his eyes.
He stops when he notices a figure in the dark ahead of him,

lurking in the shadows.
BRUCE
I wasn’t sure I’d see you again.
Batman, his face still beautiful and yaoi, steps out of the
shadows.
BATMAN
You can join us, you know.
BRUCE
I know. I’m... not ready.
There is a silence between them, but not an uncomfortable

one.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Are you happy?
Batman looks up at the sky.

80.
BATMAN
I feel more now than I ever did.
Happiness, sorrow, hope. It’s like
I had been seeing life through a
veil, and now that veil is lifted.
Bruce looks up at the sky as well, and then back at Batman.
BRUCE
I’m sorry. For everything I did and
didn’t do. I don’t know if that’s
worth anything, but I’m sorry.
There is another moment of silence between them.
BATMAN
Take care, Bruce.
Batman turns, his hair momentarily caught in a breeze that

only hair can feel, and disappears into the shadows.
BRUCE
Take care, Batman.
Bruce continues his lonely walk in the moonlight.
EXT. STREETS OF GOTHAM - DAY, POST CREDITS SEQUENCE
The streets of Gotham bustle with life, human and yaoi alike.
The Joker, dressed in his full clown getup and riding his
unicycle, cycles past a few shop windows. One of the windows
catches his attention and he stops, stumbling a little as he
hops off his unicycle. He walks over to the window and peers
inside.
There is a television near the window, displaying a news

broadcast. An ANCHOR WOMAN is giving a report in front of a
hospital.
ANCHOR WOMAN
Gotham’s ex-attorney general Harvey
Dent is being released from Gotham
General today after a two month
long recovery following the
horrific accident that left half
his body and face covered in third
degree burns. In a statement to...
The Joker steps away from the window, sighing.
JOKER
He forgot to text Harvey.

Batman The Yaoi Knight

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Batman The Yaoi Knight

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BATMAN: THE YAOI KNIGHT

It is a cloudy, wet night in Gotham City. The sounds of CITY

The tallest, most imposing building in the city is the

Batman hears POLICE CHATTER through an earpiece under his

EXT. STREETS OF GOTHAM - MOMENTS LATER

A woman runs through the crowd, violently pushing people out

There are a few shouts of protest from those she pushes

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Out of breath, the criminal pauses for a moment to collect

Directly above the criminal a shape comes into focus. It is

The woman scurries back, a look of both fear and contempt in

Batman towers over the criminal, and responds in a deep voice

Batman’s cape flows behind him as if riding an ocean current.

Batman walks over to the briefcase the criminal had dropped.

Every manga has a similar cover: two, sometimes three young

The criminal COUGHS and spits up a bit of blood.

Batman picks up one of the manga. The cover depicts a well

Batman begins flipping through the manga, but he’s reading it

Batman flips to the other side of the manga, then stands up

The criminal attempts to reach for her baton, but Batman -

Still reading the manga, Batman addresses the criminal.

Batman looks up from the manga, his eyes focused on the

The criminal spits up more blood. Batman approaches her with

Batman looks down at the yaoi in his hands, at the obvious

The criminal successfully grabs her baton and quickly spins

The criminal lowers her baton and looks down at her

INT. BATCAVE - LATER THAT NIGHT

Batman’s headquarters is an underground command center built

Batman is seated in front of the computer system, his eyes

The computer BEEPS. Some sort of calculation has just

An old man in a suit carrying a tray of food walks up to

Batman hesitates for a moment.

Batman swivels in his chair to face Alfred.

INT. ALFRED’S YAOI LIBRARY - LATER

A electric chandelier comes to life, lighting an extensive

Alfred stands at the doorway to the library, as Batman slowly

Batman carefully puts the yaoi back on the shelf.

Batman looks over at Alfred.

EXT. GOTHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT

The towering brutalist concrete of the Gotham City Police

Batman has appeared as if from thin air directly behind the

James waves his finger around in acknowledgment of that being

James takes out a cigarette and lights it, then takes a

JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)

James takes another drag of his cigarette.

There is a CLANKING sound from down the street. A stray dog

The cigarette falls out of James Gordon’s mouth as he drops

JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)

James rolls around on the ground, bleeding.

Batman kneels by the commissioner’s side, tearing a strip of

A door opens from a building next to Batman and James, and a

James, in a sudden burst of energy wiggles around trying to

INT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL - LATER

The hospital room is spacious and well furnished. It’s the

James Gordon, his arm wrapped in gauze, lies awake in his

Batman puts a comforting hand on the commissioner’s uninjured

James pats Batman’s hand, and then coughs a few times.

JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)

Batman remains silent.

JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)

James looks at Batman for a while, then nods.

Batman grabs James Gordon’s phone from a table next to the

JAMES GORDON (CONT’D)