I'm just chaos anyway

• ❀･°.･✿ 𝐌𝐞𝐠 | 𝐬𝐡𝐞/𝐡𝐞𝐫 | ❁ | 𝟐𝟑 ✿･°.･ *❀ •

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ・ 𝐟𝐢𝐜-𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐬 ・ 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬+𝐡𝐜𝐬 ・
𝐚𝐨𝟑

𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠’𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧
𝐖𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰
one - the lonely diaries
BuckyBarnes x Female!Reader

summary:The battle with Thanos has left the Avengers

scattered across the world. Y/N is lonely and in her grieve, she

seeks out an old friend.

a/n: Please be aware that this is still a piece of fiction and I did
not adapt all attributes of Westview or the characters into the story.

The timeline is shifted as well but other than that, it should be fine.

Also… the beginning is kinda lengthy but I promise it’s worth it so

don’t give up midway please!

!Divider is mine. Please give credit when using!

word count: 4.9k

chapter warnings: mentions of characters’ deaths,

angst, reader being kinda lonely, a teeeeny bit of
language, and a whole lot of uncertainty

✶ 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 | 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 | 𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒏

𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 ☾

I would be super excited about some feedback or just general

thoughts about it. It would mean and help me as a writer a lot

and I always love interacting with you

Life felt dull ever since Thanos had been defeated.

Like a never-ending kids’ carousel that had no
exciting highs and lows. Just steady, boring
sameness. Every day.

Y/N had grown quite accustomed to this sameness

once she had settled into the normal everyday
escapades of her new non-Avenger life. Of course,
sometimes she wished for some aliens to descend
down to earth and stir up a little trouble. And
sometimes she thought about doing what Peter did,
which was basically strolling around the
neighborhood in hopes of the tiniest robbery to feel
that sense of purpose again, but then she
remembered that it wouldn’t be the same. It would
never be because so many people had been lost on
the journey that lead her to this lonely apartment in
the midst of Brooklyn.

It was intriguing, though. Falling into a normal routine

- as weird as it was for the former superhero. And she
even thought of the silly idea, the future could hold a
lot more than what she had now. She would lose
herself in scenarios that seemed too good to be true,
sometimes too crazy even. And as she stood by the
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kitchen sink, washing up some dishes and looking

𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 ❋ ⼺
out the window into the ever-steady business of New
POSTS ARCHIVE
York City, her mind began to wander again. This time,
to a much calmer place. The Suburbs, and life as the
cliche housewife, she would never be.

Maybe her kids would be coming home from school

around this time, and she would be busy planting
hydrangeas in the front yard of a pristine suburban
family home until her husband would get back from
work in a dark grey company car. Then she would be
serving a home-cooked dinner that she claimed to
have love as the secret ingredient and watch as her
kids were bothered with the same questions about
school she had always wished for when she was a
child herself.

It was weird to think about the life Y/N could have

had if fate had not pushed her into the Red Room
when she was ten years old. But she wasn’t
complaining. She never would. The life she had lived
so far had led her to meet the most amazing people
she had ever known. And even though some of these
people were gone now, she still reveled in the
experiences and wisdom they had brought to her.

Like Natasha, who had taught her how to enjoy a little

joke along the way of a strict and surveilled life. Or
Tony, who made sure to always push her to
excellence by her own choice - something she had
not known before she became a part of the Avengers.
Which was also something she had both of them to
thank for.

Y/N had been lost in the sudden feeling of freedom

when Natasha destroyed the Red Room, a home they
had both grown to despise while still living in it. And
because of that ‘being nobody,’ a person not true to
herself - because she simply didn’t know
who herself truly was - she had found her way to Nat.
Or Nat had found a way to her. It didn’t matter which
way. Important was this: The day Natasha recruited
her, Y/N’s life had changed for the better.

She got to know what friends were. People she was

not obliged to spend time with because there was no
other place to be. And maybe it was the connection
of the Widows that still had her drawn closest to the
redhead, but that was by choice nevertheless.
Natasha understood her deepest darkest fears,
mainly because she shared some of them with her.
And she was a cool, independent version of the
person Y/N strived to be. She wanted that back then
and now she was proud to have fulfilled her dream.

Then Vision died and Y/N got a taste of the grief a

person felt once they started to care. Vision had been
a friend just like everyone else in the group of
superheroes. And it broke her heart to see Wanda fall
apart. She was a friend, too. Maybe even the closets
right after Nat.

When the Blip happened, Y/N was the one staying

with Nat at the compound, growing closer if that was
even possible. Natasha was like a sister to her. And
they helped each other get over the losses Thanos
was to blame for.

Then Natasha died and it was the worst thing that

had ever happened to Y/N. She had thought seeing
Vision die was bad. Well, this was a thousand
quadruple times worse. Because Natasha had been
Y/N’s only friend for a long time. The person that led
her to everything great in life and when she died,
everything felt bland. Like the world had been
stripped of its colors and shapes and sounds and
smells. Life was like a boring sad piece of unsalted
bread that had been laying out for a day too long.
She didn’t want to touch it, to experience it.

And then Tony died and Y/N felt bad because she
was not able to grieve him properly. All her feelings
were drained. There were no tears left for Tony even
though he deserved them all. By that time she had
turned into that plain sad piece of bread for everyone
around her, even though she tried not to be.

It had been a rough time. And when the group slowly

started to disassemble after Steve went to return the
stones and decided to come back as an old man,
Y/N was determined to work herself out of the steady
misery she had gotten lost in ever since. So she
moved out of the ruins and it helped to not be
surrounded by constant reminders of the people
she’d lost. But she still missed them so much that it
hurt and prevented her from everyday life practices.
Then she tried meditation, and well, that was a total
flop because her apartment was squeezed between
noise and business, which made it basically
impossible to calm down. So she decided to try the
opposite to calm. Y/N would start dancing and
jamming out to music, or she would sing on the top
of her lounges - so loud, that a neighbor had come
up to complain. She would go out for runs in hopes
of draining the energy that was otherwise used to
mope. But these things didn’t distract her for long,
and - even though it made her forget for the time
being - the nights that followed felt even worse.
Because she was not only grieving again, she was
also exhausted.

Of course, some things stayed with her still. Y/N

knew that it was impossible to remove such branding
core memories from her mind but it took some time
to realize that was okay. She didn’t need to forget
about the losses she had endured just as much as
she needed to hold onto the good moments that had
made these losses so unbearable.

One thing in particular that had not changed, was the

ever-so-slight crush Y/N had developed on Bucky as
he joined the Avengers. It was only a short timespan
before he too disintegrated from the group after
Thanos. Y/N had been there the day Steve returned
as Grandpa Rogers and when they parted ways that
night, it was the last time she had seen him. She
knew he was still in the city. And she had tried to
contact him after Steve died. To be there, as a friend.
Because she knew he didn’t have a lot of those in
New York. Bucky had called her back and they had
talked for four hours that night. Just recalling
memories and the few fun moments they shared. And
it was as though they were back at the compound
with everyone else, reminiscing the events of the day
as they slowly welcomed the night.

Y/N missed those moments especially. The smug

look on Natasha’s face whenever Bucky talked to
Y/N, or the excited glimmer in Wanda’s eyes
whenever Bucky refilled Y/N’s cup. She had always
been shipping them both, she had told her one night.
And Y/N had wanted to punch Wanda for saying that
in front of Bucky. He had just ignored it as he had
turned away to talk to Steve or Sam but Y/N’s eyes
had lingered on his frame for the remainder of the
night, hoping and wishing for some form of reaction
that told her that there was a slight possibility her
feelings were reciprocated and it wasn’t just a
farfetched dream to finally have him closer.

Maybe she would try to reach out to Bucky again.

Not because she felt like he needed a friend, but
because she did from time to time. And if her life had
taught her anything until now, it was that it was fine
to be a little selfish sometimes. It had only been a
couple of months since everything went down, and
even though Y/N felt like she had handled her
emotions fairly well since then, there were times
when they got the better of her. Like just a minute
ago, when she had thought about a perfect wannabe
life in the suburbs, and now? She was watching her
tears mix with the dishwater in the sink.

She decided to call him again that night. And when

he picked up and told her that it was nice to hear her
voice, her heart felt like exploding. The phone call
wasn’t that long, but it did end up making her feel
better. Bucky had suggested they’d meet the next
day to catch up and Y/N had happily agreed.

So Y/N made her way to the meet-up spot they had

decided on a day prior. And when she spotted Bucky
patiently waiting on the sidewalk, she had to take a
second to catch her breath.

There he stood, adorned in a black leather jacket and

his hands buried in his pants pockets. Bucky had his
head turned to the right, watching as a bike rode past
him on the street. He had a new haircut, it was a lot
shorter, but it looked good. He looked good. Though
there was still a slight hunch in his posture and an
everlasting tension he never seemed to shake.

Y/N approached him, her hand clutching her purse

strap and a tight-lipped smile on her face. Bucky was
already looking at her when she came to a stop in
front of him, mustering her as though he had to
check her for any injuries. He looked gorgeous. The
new haircut made his face brighter as it was not
hiding behind the dark curtain of hair anymore. His
eyes were somehow more piercing than she had
remembered. Y/N wanted to reach out and stroke
over his soft locks until they stood out in every
direction. She couldn’t do that though.

There was a short moment of silence between the

pair until Bucky finally broke a smile and Y/N wasn’t
sure what to do to greet him. Could she hug him?
Smile back? Everything was so uncertain.

“How’ve you been?” He asked then, taking the

contemplation away from her by opening up the
conversation. His voice was different too. A lot
calmer and freer in a way. She liked it.

“Oh, you know…” She trailed off and looked up at

him. There was hurt burning in her eyes. She didn’t
want to hide it from him but still didn’t say it out loud.

Bucky just nodded in response. Then he looked at

the ground again.

“You wanna walk?” Y/N suggested and the weight on

her shoulders lightened once she saw Bucky relieve
the tension in his by her idea.

When they would talk on the phone, everything

seemed so carefree and normal. Like two friends who
frequently did so. Which was what they were. But
having him here, right next to her, brought a long-
forgotten nervousness back to her stomach. Why
was it so different? They were friends, right? Y/N was
sure of that actually. But she couldn’t deny that
something was bothering her about this situation.
She wanted to enjoy this time with him, but
something almost felt as though she was scared to
do so. After all, this meeting served a purpose. An
occasion to get their minds off of the horrible past
they shared. At least Y/N thought that was the
reason. She wanted to see Bucky, too. She had
missed him - missed the heart flutter she
experienced in his presence. And maybe it was
stupid to think that it would be exactly the same as
several months ago, but a part of her still wanted,
maybe even needed to know.

They both walked in silence for 10 minutes. Weaving

their way through crowded New York City streets and
Y/N took that as an excuse to not talk. It was too
loud and they could barely walk next to each other
because of that. But when they reached the walkway
next to the water, everything calmed down around
them. They picked up small talk, a subtle and slow
approach to deeper conversations that seemed to be
only reserved for late-night phone calls between the
pair. But it was nice and Y/N reveled in seeing Bucky
taking charge of his life again. He seemed to have
come a long way from the reserved shell of a man he
used to be at the beginning of their story. And even
though Y/N had noticed changes ever since he was
back with Steve, the years that had passed seemed
to have only done him good.

After a while, Bucky stopped and leaned against the

railing and Y/N did the same. The metal was cool
under her hands.

“Have you been talking to any of the others lately?”

Y/N asked lowly, as her heartbeat skipped. She really
missed the way they would all hang out as a group.
But once the big fight was over, everyone kind of
went their separate ways and Y/N wouldn’t deny, that
not hearing from them definitely hurt like hell. Of
course, she was also concerned about Bucky’s well-
being. She knew he had a tough time adjusting in the
beginning so she just assumed that new situations
were hard on him in general.

“I’m hanging out with Sam,” he said shrugging his

shoulders. “I made a new friend called Zemo.” Was
that a smile crinkling in the corner of his eyes? Y/N
was glad he was happy. She wasn’t sure whether or
not he wanted to get into detail about his
relationships and she didn’t want to push. Though
there was another question on the tip of her tongue.

“What about you? Have you visited Wanda yet?”

“Visited her? I haven’t talked to her in weeks.” Y/N’s

chest tightened at the thought of her best friend. “I
don’t even know where she is.”

There was no particular reason why the girls had not

been in contact, but it did bother Y/N. She had tried
to call Wanda on several occasions in the beginning,
but over time, she gave that up as well. Maybe
Wanda needed some time to herself. Y/N could
understand that now better than ever before. She
was sure, however, that having a friend to talk to
about their losses would benefit them both
tremendously.

Bucky looked at her intently. “She’s in Westview.” A

soft nod accompanied his statement. He had said it
so easily as if that information were not impacting at
all. As if it was a simple fact that everyone knew. Well,
Y/N didn’t know and it made her heart jump once
again.

“Westview,” she repeated in a whisper. Why did that

ring a bell? Y/N was sure she’d never been to
Westview before or heard of it for that matter. Or did
she? “How do you know?” Her eyes swerved to
Bucky with curiosity. She was wearing her thinking
face now, and she knew that it must have looked a
little off-putting because the brunette answered
quickly.

“Uh- Zemo told me about a S.W.O.R.D. file. He gets

his sources… I don’t know from where and I feel like I
don’t wanna know either. But they are always
trustworthy.”

“Why is she in a S.W.O.R.D. file?”

“Apparently she created a town with perfect

neighbors or something.” Again, he said it so
casually. Meanwhile, a tornado broke loose in Y/N’s
mind.

“But how is that even possible?” Her look intensified

with confusion, studying Bucky’s face as he looked at
her with calmness through and through.

“She’s a witch, Y/N. How do you think it’s possible?”

It wasn’t condescending, no. It was simply a
statement, but Y/N did feel kind of offended. As if he
was accusing her of not knowing her friends.

Y/N was silent. Of course, she knew that Wanda was

powerful, but this seemed a little too crazy for her.
She had always known her as this reserved woman,
especially in crowds. She liked to analyze, stay back
and watch - much like Bucky did. When they became
friends, Y/N got to know her cheeky side. She
experienced her teasing and enjoyed their late-night
pillow talks. But most importantly, Y/N got to know
Wanda as a very caring person. She liked to help and
she liked to rule in fairness. Rational and somewhat
normal - well, as normal as someone with mind-
reading abilities could be. So yeah, Y/N didn’t know
how she thought it was possible.

Bucky didn’t say anything, either. He let Y/N collect

herself and she was glad he did so. ‘A town with
perfect neighbors,’ he had said. Y/N chuckled. She
couldn’t imagine Wanda in the suburbs at all. It
seemed as ridiculous as Y/N herself residing as a
housewife and pursuing a perfectly normal life after
everything they went through. Her laugh got caught
in her throat though, as she thought about how unfair
that assumption was. Wanda, just like Y/N, had the
right to dream of that life just as much as everyone
else. And she knew that Wanda wanted it, too. They
had talked about it over late-night teacups in bed
with Natasha, as they spilled their hopes and dreams
of could-bes on the fuzzy blankets beneath them.

Y/N’s chest warmed at the memory. And then her

mind reminded her of how intriguing it was the day
she imagined that life as well. The hydrangeas, the
kids, the husband, the grey company car.

She picked up her smile again and was glad to see it

mirrored on Bucky’s lips.

“I kinda wanna see it now.” It was a silly thought. A

desperate attempt to fulfill that unattainable wish of
hers to forget about everything bad that had
happened. An invite to escape with her to a world
that seemed free of bad and evil. And Bucky
probably knew that, too. His eyes watched over the
sea as he leaned on the railing that separated them
from the water.

“Yeah, it’s intriguing,” he answered absently, and Y/N

wondered if he was revisiting similar dreams. A
chuckle escaped his lips shortly after. “Could you
imagine?” His eyes found their way back to her. “Me
in the suburbs behind a white picket fence and all
that?” There was amusement in his tone, but his eyes
told Y/N that he was looking for an honest answer.
Almost in search of consolation of some sort, they
switched between hers.

“I think it’s definitely an interesting thing to consider.”

That wasn’t a lie. By all means, she couldn’t imagine
Bucky in a suburban environment just as much as
she couldn’t for herself and Wanda, but it sure was a
thought that made her heart skip a beat. Seeing him
happy, all smiley and domestic with a family, maybe a
cat.

“I can see you there,” he interrupted her silent

monologue, and only when Y/N’s eyebrows raised in
question did he explain. “With a family, I mean. You
always care so much. You’d be perfect for that kind
of life.”

Bucky paused to wait for a reaction in her heart, but

Y/N wasn’t able to reply. Bucky had thought about
the suburbs and he had thought about Y/N in the
suburbs. He could have thought about them together
and that possibility alone made her stomach erupt
with butterflies.

“You remind me of Natasha in that sense,” he

continued a little quieter this time and Y/N’s heart
tightened. Natasha always talked about children. She
might have had a hard shell at first, but once you had
cracked through her tough exterior, Natasha revealed
a woman, who had dreams just like any other. But
Natasha never got to experience a life beyond the
superhero world, and because of that, Y/N didn’t
think she would either.

“It would be nice, but it’s never gonna happen,” she

stated grievingly. Her gaze wandered over the water,
focusing on the sun reflecting off the surface.

“Why not?“

“I- I don know. I don’t see it in my future.”

“Y/N,” Bucky spoke insistently as he gently grabbed

her by the shoulders and turned her frame toward
him. “One thing this life has taught me - and take this
from the 106-year-old I am - is that you almost never
see things coming.” He smiled but there was a deep
hurt in his eyes when he fought to keep them steady.

Y/N just held his gaze for three heartbeats and then
she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his
torso and nuzzling her face in his shoulder. Buck
instantly responded, guiding his arms over her
shoulders and pulling her tighter.

That night, Y/N lay in her bed, her eyes wide open as
she stared at the ceiling, revisiting the events of the
day. There was no way she could go to sleep. Her
head was spinning, her thoughts twirling around like
a carousel: Westview. Wanda. Westview and Wanda.
Wanda in Westview.

She had her fingers intertwined and resting on her

stomach. Her pointer finger nervously tapped on the
back of her hand. Wanda was in Westview, living her
dream - her literal dream. And here Y/N was, after a
day that was supposed to bring closure, anxiously
twitching in her bed. Bucky had known about
Westview. He had thought about Westview. Christ, he
had thought about Y/N in Westview. Her heart picked
up its pace again, her stomach indiscreetly bubbling
with excitement. Bucky had thought about it all.

It was weird. Y/N never imagined she would be in this

position. At a point in her life where she didn’t know
what her next move would be. When she was a child,
everything had been calculated for her. There were
only rules to follow, and if she didn’t, there was
punishment. So there really wasn’t an option for
choice. Then she had joined the Avengers, and even
though that life was definitely more deliberating than
the one in the Red Room, she never worried about
the future. She was a hero - an Avenger. And while
she fought alongside the greatest saviors of her time,
she never felt the need to consider what she would
do if it were to end. She had found her forever home
with a family that she learned to love. The hero life
was her destiny, she fell into place when she joined
it.

And then, sudden as lightning and with the force of

thunder, that life had ended. And it had taken
purpose, stability, and safety with it. Y/N had been
stripped bare of all responsibility and it was scary.
The world was open for her, the future laid out as a
blank page she was able to draw on with all the pens
she desired. And yet, she felt lost and without
inspiration.

When Bucky had mentioned Westview, a spark of

hope had flared up in the dark. Westview: It seemed
like the ultimate solution. A new place - new people.
A change of scenery that had somehow helped
Wanda distract from her grief… and her past.

Then her thoughts went back to Bucky. He had

agreed that it was intriguing to see. And that feeling
hadn’t changed on Y/N’s part. He had painted a
picture in her head she had thought about
before. The housewife, the kids…

‘Me behind a white picket fence and all that,’ he had

said. And now, after thinking about the conversation
over and over again, Y/N couldn’t help but wish
herself in those little words. ‘All that’ - a wife, a family.
And slowly, but surely that blurry husband in the gray
company car merged into the shape of a handsome
brunette Super Soldier.

She slid off the bed and reached for the phone on the
nightstand almost mechanically. And before Y/N
knew it, her finger had tapped on Bucky’s name in
the contacts. She held the phone to her ear, her heart
beating like a sledgehammer. Maybe she was
nervous, or maybe it was excitement. She couldn’t
tell. It just felt weird, like a constant tingle in her
stomach that wouldn’t subside.

Beeeeep

She had called him before and it wasn’t weird. She

had called him before and she wasn’t scared. So why
now? Maybe it was the decision she had lingering in
her mind and the intention of pitching it to Bucky.
And maybe it was the fear to hear him laugh about it
or that she didn’t know what she would do if he did.

Beeeeep

For god’s sake, what took him so long? Maybe this

was a bad idea. A really really stupid idea. She
shouldn’t be calling people at 4 in the morning. But
this seemed different for some reason. Because
Bucky was different. He wasn’t ‘people’.

Beeeeep

Ok. This was definitely a sign. He was probably

sleeping and couldn’t care less. Meanwhile, Y/N was
sitting on the bedroom floor with her nerves running a
marathon. She should hang up, she really
should. When she was about to pull the phone from
her ear to hover her thumb above the red button she
hesitated. One more, she thought, and then she