Intimacy, Subjectivity and Social Integration

4.1In the early 20th century, sociologists highlighted how close personal relationships shape
individuals and their integration into society. Drawing from various traditions like symbolic
interactionism and psychoanalysis, they showed how these relationships influence people from
childhood, grounding them in their social worlds. Giddens emphasized the importance of such
relationships, especially parent-child dynamics, in building confidence and maintaining social
order. He also discussed the concept of ontological security (the need to experience oneself
as a whole, continuous person in time — as being rather than constantly changing — in
order to realize a sense of agency ), developed through early intimate connections, which
protects individuals from anxiety. Bourdieu's framework, influenced by these traditions, focuses
on how close relationships shape an individual's predispositions, impacting their comfort in
different social settings. This concept is key to understanding social inclusion, exclusion, and
inequality reproduction.

4.2 Some newer theories suggest that close relationships might not be as crucial in shaping
who we are and how we fit into society. Michel Foucault's ideas contribute to this shift,
emphasizing how power, knowledge, and discourse in Western cultures influence us more than
family dynamics. Critics argue that this approach doesn't fully explain societal changes, but it
does highlight how much our thoughts and actions are shaped by societal values and
discussions.

According to this perspective, our sense of self is heavily influenced by fields like psychology
and psychiatry, as well as by how governments use their expertise. These ideas and practices
shape how we see ourselves and behave.

However, this doesn't mean that our close relationships are unimportant. Even in a society
where broader ideas have a strong influence, our interactions with friends and family still play a
significant role in how we regulate ourselves and navigate life. So, while societal ideas have a
big impact, our personal relationships remain vital.

4.3 (In simpler terms, a Foucauldian perspective looks at how power, knowledge, and the things
people talk about (discourse) influence who we are and how we fit into society. It's about
understanding how media, communication, and the ideas we're exposed to shape our sense of
self and how we relate to others.)A Foucauldian perspective is relevant in today's digital age,
where interconnectedness and global media are prominent. It emphasizes the impact of
mediated and imagined relationships, as well as disembodied discourse. However, there are
other ways to understand how media and imagined connections shape our identity.
For example, Calhoun expands on Anderson's concept of nationalism as an "imagined
community." This idea suggests that people feel connected to others they've never met,
fostering social unity and shaping personal identities. Essentially, our sense of belonging and
self can be influenced by our imagined connections with others, whether through media or
national identity.

4.4In the late 20th century, thinkers introduced the idea of networks and flows, saying our social
connections are like interconnected networks, blurring the line between close relationships and
connections to others we might not meet. Some see this as a shift from traditional commitments
to more flexible social networks. Others, like Illouz and Bauman, say in a consumption-focused
culture, an emphasis on intimacy can make relationships more detached and practical, less
emotionally connected.

4.5Theorists who stress the importance of discourse often overlook research on everyday
personal interactions. Yet, studies focusing on intimate lives recognize how societal views on
intimacy impact individuals. For instance, portrayals of intimacy in mass media, discussed by
Banaji, Duncombe, Marsden, and Uberoi, are seen as scripts people adapt or challenge, not
accurate depictions. Recognizing the influence of imagined relationships and discourse doesn't
diminish the importance of real, personal intimacy. Both factors shape how people experience
relationships.

4.6 Ignoring the significance of intimate relationships doesn't help us understand how different
forms of discourse shape our sense of self and identity. For instance, stereotypes and
messages from popular culture and mass media can influence how we perceive ourselves and
others. However, it's vital to recognize that children aren't raised solely by discourse; the quality
of intimate relationships during childhood deeply influences our adult functioning across
cultures.

Moreover, since Morley's influential work in 1986 on British families and television, we've
recognized how personal relationships shape our interpretation of media messages. In essence,
our close connections are key to understanding and responding to the information we encounter
through media and discourse.

4.7 Studying the interaction between mass media messages and personal relationships is more
sensible than solely attributing influence to discourse. Many scholars merge ideas from symbolic
interactionism or phenomenology with an understanding of discourse's power. For instance,
social psychologist Hewitt and feminist sociologist Smith offer contrasting perspectives on this
matter.

Expanding on Mead's concept of the 'generalized other,' our internal dialogue influenced by
media interacts with our internalized conversations with loved ones. This means that both media
and personal interactions shape how we perceive ourselves. In environments saturated with
media, its influence on personal interactions is constant, affecting how we view ourselves and
behave in relationships with friends, partners, and family.

Fully grasping how intimate relationships impact individuals and societies requires connecting
them to theories about personal identity development, including gender, sexuality, and
embodiment. It also involves considering the importance of feeling secure in our sense of self,
which is influenced by how others recognize us and our experiences with parenting. However,
any theory about this should acknowledge different cultures and how various social systems,
such as culture, economics, politics, technology, and the environment, interact to shape our
sense of self on both local and global scales.

Practices of Intimacy and Parental Authority

5.1 Over time, parenting styles have shifted from being strict to more intimate and relaxed, both
in the West and in Asia. In Asian discussions about parent-child relationships, there's worry
about Western influence undermining traditional values like respect for elders. In China, the
one-child policy has intensified the power shift from younger to older generations.

5.2 Research in Asia offers a more detailed look at parent-child relationships, recognizing that
there can be a lot of differences. Overall, there's a return to traditional values with parents and
children forming a bond of mutual care. Parents are now not just affectionate but also strategic,
investing in their children to secure future support. This shift includes a move from traditional
authority to more intimate parenting practices, though the focus remains on devotion rather than
Western-style openness. These changes suggest parents are thinking ahead, hoping their
children will care for them in their old age.

5.3Moving towards more intimate parenting doesn't necessarily mean parents lose their
authority. They can still find ways to exert control beyond traditional methods. In their quest to
provide the best for their children and improve their family's prospects, parents might make
significant sacrifices that affect their children's lives. For instance, Huang and Yeoh (2005)
discuss Chinese mothers who relocate with their children to places like Singapore for better
educational opportunities.

This choice often comes with great personal sacrifice. Mothers may leave behind their partners,
job opportunities, and part of their identity, prioritizing their child's education above all else.
Meanwhile, the child must navigate a new and potentially unwelcoming school environment,
relying solely on their mother's support. This joint effort, driven solely by parents, comes with
considerable risks, with practices of intimacy playing a crucial role in its success.

5.4 In Western societies, Giddens's idea that parents and children should have more equal,
friendly relationships has been questioned. Critics say it overlooks the ongoing inequalities
between generations and the authority parents still hold. Research also shows that while
parents may see communication with their children as a way to bond, kids often feel like it's just
another form of surveillance, limiting their freedom.
5.5 The research literature on parent-child relationships in the West also highlights significant
differences in practices of intimacy based on social class and ethnicity. Various parenting styles,
including the use of praise and discipline, have been linked to different social backgrounds.

For instance, working-class experiences often emphasize the importance of children learning
that they can't always get what they want, leading to more straightforward approaches to
discipline. In contrast, middle-class and ruling-class experiences tend to prioritize negotiation
and avoiding ultimatums.

Walkerdine and Lucey (1989) observed middle-class British mothers engaging in negotiations
with very young children, which they described as a form of control tactic resembling a "pretend
democracy." Expanding on this analysis, it can be argued that the communication involved in
negotiation may both encourage and complicate practices of intimacy and self-disclosure in
parent-child relationships.

5.6 Practices of intimacy can sometimes intersect with and reinforce the perpetuation of
generational power dynamics. Similarly, these practices can also play a role in perpetuating
class inequalities.

In the US, and in the UK it has been, demonstrated how parents from more privileged
backgrounds often use praise to instill a sense of entitlement in their children. On the other
hand, parents ifrom less advantaged backgrounds emphasize the importance of being helpful
and fitting in, as standing out may lead to trouble or victimization.

These examples highlight how practices of intimacy can contribute to the reproduction of
inequalities. However, it's important to note that these practices can also be used to challenge
and subvert existing inequalities.

Intimacy and Gender Inequality

6.1 The anthropological literature suggests that intimacy, particularly the form highlighted by
Giddens (1991) focusing on self-disclosure, is increasingly valued across various cultures.
However, it's not clear whether this trend is resulting in the gender equality predicted by
Giddens and Castells.

Padilla, in a survey of anthropological literature, describes this shift towards intimacy as a global
trend, albeit one that varies in its extent. Traditional notions of family, based on social
obligations, are giving way to more modern models emphasizing chosen, deeply felt, and
authentic love. This reflects a broader shift from emphasizing institutions to prioritizing
relationships, a trend observed in Western family life since the 1940s.
Seeking intimacy is often seen as a way to align with modernity and social change, as
individuals aim to incorporate global influences into their personal lives.

6.2 Local and national variations in traditional gender roles within family and personal life, as
well as the degree of institutionalized support for men's authority over women, continue to exist
and are both reinforced and challenged through practices of intimacy.

For instance, among young people from Pakistani families living in Britain, there remains a
pattern of closer supervision of young women compared to young men, despite parental support
for education being equal. However, there is also a desire for intimacy and love in relationships.
Instances of love marriages, sometimes conducted against parental wishes, are observed.
Interestingly, both young British Pakistani men and women often express gratitude for parental
support in finding a suitable partner for a loving and lifelong relationship.

6.3Shaw and Charley (2006) illustrate how emotional needs, such as the desire to nurture and
maintain close relationships between family members, are balanced alongside strategic
considerations in arranging marriages. In Pakistani families in Britain, there have been notable
innovations in the practice of arranged marriages, including the trend of bringing husbands from
Pakistan. This practice challenges the traditional convention where the bride moves to her
husband's family home and instead places men in the position of a 'trailing spouse.' This shift
reduces men's ability to exert control over their wives and represents a departure from
traditional gender roles.

6.4Practices of intimacy do not automatically lead to democratization or the dismantling of

patriarchal structures. It's argued that achieving equality in relationships is more feasible in
same-sex relationships, where intimacy isn't constrained by pre-existing gendered scripts that
often reinforce patriarchal norms and privileges.

The feminist adage from the 1970s, "it starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your
arms in his sink," highlighted how heterosexual love can obscure patriarchal power dynamics.
Evidence on the division of domestic labor in dual-earner heterosexual households suggests
this warning still holds true. Despite widespread acknowledgment of gender equality, women
continue to shoulder a disproportionate share of domestic work.

6.5 Research highlights the intricate relationship between practices of intimacy and the
perpetuation of male privilege. For instance, Hirsch (2003, 2006) documents significant
generational shifts in marital ideals in Mexico, where there's now a greater emphasis on
concepts like confianza, intimacy, and mutually satisfying sexual relationships. However, despite
these changes, traditional gender roles persist, as husbands may still expect their wives to seek
permission to leave the house or respond immediately to their needs, such as bringing them a
glass of water when they whistle. This illustrates how practices of intimacy can coexist with and
even reinforce traditional patriarchal expectations within relationships..

6.6 Practices aimed at maintaining intimacy with children can inadvertently reinforce traditional
gender roles, even in situations where there's a radical departure from conventional gender
norms. Parreñas discusses migrant mothers and fathers from the Philippines and their
relationships with children left behind. In cases where the father is absent, which is considered
more conventional, his financial provision alone is often enough for children to assume his love.
However, when a mother is absent due to earning money for the household, children typically
need to hear expressions of how much they are missed and witness their mother's externalized
grief to feel recognized and appreciated. This is despite the various other ways mothers
maintain intimacy from a distance, such as regular phone calls, coordinating care, contributing
to joint bank accounts, and sending gifts.

Interestingly, fathers who are left behind and provide minimal care, often relying on the oldest
daughter and other female relatives to do most of the housework, do not face questions about
their love for their children. This discrepancy stems from societal conventions regarding
appropriate behavior for men and women. Providing financial support is seen as a practice of
intimacy for men, but not for women. Therefore, migrant mothers must navigate multiple
strategies to maintain intimacy with their children from afar.

6.7 The research literature indicates that a sense of participating in the "modernity" of intimacy
can make relationships more acceptable, even if they might otherwise be considered
inadequate or failed. For instance, non-traditional or unconventional heterosexual relationships
may still reflect traditional gender dynamics. Women in China working as Xiajies (female
entertainers) sometimes express frustration at being labeled as sex workers, emphasizing that
their work involves more than just sex (Yo and Ying, 2008). This suggests that intimate
relationships, even if unconventional, are seen as modern and deserving of celebration rather
than being stigmatized like prostitution.

Ethnographic studies also reveal situations where modernity involves expecting but being
unable to have the intimacy of a traditional heterosexual life partner. Taiwanese women whose
husbands have second wives while working abroad may seek solace in online forums, where
they discuss starting a new life by loving themselves and coping with the loss of their husbands'
love (Shen, 2008). Some women also turn to more traditional methods, such as focusing on
their children or religion, as ways to reclaim their dignity. Overall, these women's efforts to
navigate their relationships reflect complex accommodations of tradition and modernity through
reorienting their practices of intimacy.
Final Comments:

1. **Definition and Analytical Potential of Intimacy:** Intimacy refers to close connections

between people, and its concept is increasingly used in discussions about globalization. I've
aimed to clarify its analytical potential by exploring its definition and empirical research. This
involved addressing its potential ethnocentrism and demonstrating its applicability across
different national contexts.

2. **Relationship Between Love and Intimacy:** Love is closely related to intimacy, with
relationships characterized by mutual recognition and subjective experience often involving
practices of intimacy. However, it's important not to limit our understanding of intimacy to
culturally specific forms celebrated in Western cultures.

3. **Universal Practices of Intimacy:** Practices fostering intimacy, such as active caregiving,

are found across various cultures and historical contexts, even where public rhetoric inhibits
their expression. These practices are fundamental for building and maintaining intimate
relationships.

4. **Interaction Between Intimacy and Discourse:** Intimate relationships interact with global
discourse circulated by mass media, framing their relevance in understanding social change in
the era of globalization. These relationships can both perpetuate and challenge inequalities
such as age, class, and gender.

5. **Challenges to Methodological Nationalism:** There's a need to move beyond

methodological nationalism in studying personal life, acknowledging the global
interconnectedness of social systems and relationships. This involves exploring intersections of
local and global influences without falling into ethnocentrism.

6. **Global Interest in Intimacy:** Understanding how people create and sustain intimate
relationships is of global interest, addressing questions of equality, justice, sustainability,
stability, peace, and order. An evidence-based and nuanced understanding of intimacy is crucial
for addressing these issues effectively.