Harry Potter and the Tough Life of a Horcrux

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/54860767.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationship: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Character: Voldemort (Harry Potter)
Additional Tags: Voldemort’s Horcrux POV, Humor, crackfic
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-03-31 Words: 1,190 Chapters: 1/1
 Harry Potter and the Tough Life of a Horcrux
by alcohen

Summary

Voldemort’s horcrux in Harry is sentient and involuntarily exposed to Harry’s crush on

Draco. Exasperated horcrux’s POV.

Notes

I swear I saw this idea somewhere… tumblr? discord? Can’t find it to save my life. If it was
you please tell me about it so I can credit you properly.

PS. The timelines might be a bit off, but let’s pretend they aren’t.

See the end of the work for more notes

1982

Oh my fucking God. Why does this thing cry all the damn time. Living beings shouldn’t be
made into horcruxes, I thought we’d learned that with Nagini.

My head is about to split, I swear. Stuck inside of a child. And in a Muggle household, of all
godforsaken places. One could think the boy who defeated the Dark Lord would have been
treated with more respect.

No. No-no-no…

There we go. Now he wet our pants. Great. How did I let this happen? I am such a fucking
moron.

1990

For fuck’s sake, Harry Potter. For the saviour of the wizarding world you are such a
pushover. Will you just let these Muggles insult you? Aren’t you going to do anything about
it?

I’ll never get used to this. How is this boy so useless? Did he not inherit his mother’s cheek?
She was a filthy Mudblood, sure, but at least she had an ounce of characte—

What’s happening? Ah, finally, yes, great idea, Potter. Tell the snake to eat those Muggles.
Don’t just stare at it and chat about Brazil!

Useless. Fucking useless.

If only I could speak to the snake, I’d tell it to go and find some of my devoted followers…

No—no, wait— sa-ya-hasss-a! Sa-ya-hasss-a!

Oh, well. At least I tried.

1991

A Malfoy offers you his hand and you pick a Weasley? Well, isn’t that strategic. I shouldn’t
have expected anything better from you, Potter, but I am nevertheless very disappointed.

You did notice how he holds himself, didn’t you, Potter? I hope you follow his example and
buy decent robes. You have the money. I saw your vault.

1992

I see the Malfoy boy didn’t stand the humiliation of not being on the Quidditch team last
year. Poor Lucius resorted to old strategies, I see, but equipping the whole team with new
brooms? Isn’t it a tad on the nose, Lucius?
Helloooo, Potter, aren’t you supposed to look for the snitch? Why are we staring at Malfoy?
He isn’t even doing anything interesting. Hang on, is that the snitch by his ear?

You bet it is. I would have never willingly participated in this undignified sport—I much
prefer intellectual endeavours—but if I had, I would have been good at it. I spotted the snitch
even before Potter did.

No—here we go again. Is it necessary to try and push Malfoy off his broom? Do you want to
catch the snitch or are you looking for an excuse to touch the Malfoy boy?

Wait. That actually explains a lot.

Fuck me to the moon and back, I’m stuck in a latent homosexual.

1993

For people who claim to hate each other, you two certainly go out of your way to yell
indecencies across the Great Hall. Just saying.

1994

Oh my God, he made badges to express how much he hates you.

By the way, that’s some impressive magic coming from a fourteen-year-old.

He must have spent a lot of time making them, Potter. Evenings. Weekends. He probably had
to ask teachers for help. Do you realise what that means, or are we going to keep pretending
to hate him?

You’re that stubborn, huh. Well, you can’t deny that you spent the whole Yule Ball staring at
him, describing his clothes and hair in your head in great detail. You didn’t dance with your
date once. I’ll let you draw your conclusions, although I do suspect you aren’t capable of
doing so.

1995

Wow, Potter, we’re into girls now? That denial is deep. And Cho Chang of all people? Her
boyfriend just died, Potter, she’s obviously not interested. It’s like you’re setting yourself up
for failure.

Ahahahaha. Who describes a kiss as wet? Let me give you a piece of advice: if the only thing
you focus on while kissing is the degree of moisture, then you’re obviously not kissing the
right person. There should be passion. Fire. Even I know that.

Useless. The boy is useless at absolutely everything.

1996

Look, Potter, I have seen my fair share of homosexuals among the Death Eaters. And I have
to say, there are way worse perversions than yearning for a pretty blond classmate. Here’s an
idea: instead of staring into that boring map all night long, why don’t you corner him
someplace private and get it out of your system? I won’t be shocked. I’ve seen worse, I
promise.

Finally. That’s Moaning Myrtle’s toilet, which means he is in there alone. And, look, he’s
vulnerable. That’s your chance, Potter. All those years of embarrassing pining led you to this
moment.

What—huh, a duel is your choice. Well, there certainly is some eroticism to a duel. If you
like violence, you might want to look into BDS—

Fuck, have you killed him, Potter? Are you crying? Merlin, I hope you haven’t killed him,
because if you have, I’ll never hear the end of it, will I?

Salazar, this boy is as dumb as a brick. What a waste.

1997

“I can’t be sure?” That’s a fucking joke. What do you mean you’re not sure if it’s Potter?
Have you never seen a stinging hex, you moron?

Merlin, these teenagers are going to be the end of me. If you’re so in love with saint Potter,
then leave with him! Oh, are you afraid? Poor Malfoy’s afraid! Then tell Lucius that it’s him!
You can’t? So indecisive, just like Potter. If they were a couple, they would never be able to
choose what kind of pizza they want for dinner, I swear.

1998

You are going back to save Malfoy? Into the Fiendfire? Merlin’s pants, that’s dumb.

I suppose if we die there, my other self wins. Go on. Hooray to teenage lunacy.

Yes, of course, let’s reflect on how his hand feels. That’s the thing to focus on when
everything around is on fire. FLY, YOU IDIOT! I MIGHT BE A HORCRUX, BUT I STILL
HAVE A SENSE OF SELF-PRESERVATION!

Wait. What’s going on? Why are you standing there, looking at each other like there’s
nothing more important in the great wide world?

Oh, no. Not a declaration of eternal love. Potter is an idiot—fine, I’ve accepted that by now,
but you, Malfoy? So he saved you once, so what, have some dignity!

No, no-no-no…
Ah, fantastic. Now we’re snogging in the middle of a fucking battle. If someone kills us now,
that would be one hundred percent deserved.

Ugh, Salazar, help me. Are you holding hands? Is it your intention to make me throw up? If
you’re going to be gay, then fucking go for it, shag it out while you’re at it! Be a bloody man,
Potter, for once!

Thank Merlin, my other self. Please, kill me. I can’t endure another minute of the wet
fantasies in the boy’s head. One would think he’d focus on survival, but no—it’s mental
images of Malfoy in positions I’d like to erase from my mind.

You don’t need to make a fucking speech, you idiot. When did I become so babbly? JUST
KILL US, HE’S IMAGINING IT AGAIN.

Merlin, finally. Freedom…

End Notes

What else do you think the horcrux should've said?

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