LONG LIVE THE SQUIRRELS

by

Allan Katz
REVISED
9-15-13
BLUE

81613
 “LONG LIVE THE SQUIRRELS”

FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN: REVERSED OUT:

SIX MONTHS AGO...

DISSOLVE TO:

1 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 1

A picture postcard shot of Lawrence University.

STEVE SCHMIDT, a local newscaster, holding a microphone

with an Appleton News station logo and call letters
“ANC” on it, speaks INTO CAMERA.

ASSORTED STUDENTS in the background.

(Throughout all the “ON AIR” broadcasts, we will see the

on-screen STATION ID's, LOCATIONS, REPORTER NAMES, and
“NEWS BULLETIN” NOTICES.)

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

Steve Schmidt, ANC News, here on
the campus of Lawrence University
in Appleton, Wisconsin. This is
where everything began for
Appleton’s own “Bucky and the
Squirrels” the one-hit-wonder-rock
group that, back in the 1960’s,
sky-rocketed to the top with their
gigantic dance hit “Do the
Squirrel.

PHOTO OF BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CIRCA 1968) on the

cover of some fictitious local publication.

The clean-cut group, all in their mid 20’s, is a typical

‘60’s four piece rock band - 3 guitars and drums.
They’re the Midwest's version of the Beatles. *

The group includes: THOMAS “BUCKY” FULLER, the buck-

toothed lead singer - guitarist; RANDY CUNNINGHAM, the
extroverted show-off performer - guitar; PHIL
WESTERBROOK, the handsome dreamboat - guitar; and DOUG *
WILSON, the boyish drummer.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 2

STEVE (INTO CAMERA) (CONT’D)

Tragically, back in the winter of
1968, while on their maiden
European promotional tour, the
small chartered plane that carried
the Squirrels vanished - never to
be seen or heard of again. That
is until today. Here’s Mitchell
Friedman live from Switzerland
with more on this developing
story. Mitchell...

2 EXT. WHITE SCREEN - DAY 2

Nothing beyond the white snow-filled screen is visible -

including MITCHELL. We do however HEAR the VIOLENT WIND
BLOWING and the sounds of Mitchell STRUGGLING VALIANTLY
to keep his composure under these oppressive weather
conditions.

MITCHELL (V.O.)
Thank you, Steve. As you can see -
or maybe not - I’m here in the
middle of a raging blizzard six
kilometers north of the famed
Zermatt Ski resort where only
hours ago the storm uncovered what
has just been positively
identified as the remains of the
plane that took the lives of the
American rock group “Bucky and The
Squirrels.”

LOUD EARTH MOVING EQUIPMENT SFX forces Mitchell to SPEAK

LOUDER.
MITCHELL (V.O.)
I apologize about the noise! What
you hear in the background is snow
removal equipment working to free
the partially buried wreckage -
which, as I understand,
remarkably, is in near pristine
condition. With me is forensic
meteorologist, Dr. Gustav
Kleinmetz.

DR. KLEINMETZ is also TOTALLY WHITED OUT by the storm.

And, as with Mitchell, Dr. Kleinmetz has great trouble
working under these conditions; both he and Mitchell
struggle through the interview.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 3

MITCHELL (V.O.)
Doctor, can you explain your
theory of what happened and how
the plane has been preserved?

DR. KLEINMETZ (V.O.)

Certainly. As you can see on the
chart I have here...
(of course, we can’t
see it)
...judging from the horizontal
position of the fuselage and from
an inspection of the layering and
compactness of the snow strata ---
it would be logical to assume that
the aircraft experienced engine
failure and managed to set down
without incident. However, the
impact of the landing put into
motion an avalanche which covered
the aircraft consequently, and
tragically, burying its occupants
alive. Can I go now? My eyes are
freezing.

MITCHELL (V.O.)
Yes, of course. Back to you,
Steve.

3 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 3

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

Thank you, Mitchell. For Bucky
and the Squirrels, it all began
here in Appleton, Wisconsin.
5 Existing ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE/STOCK SHOTS of APPLETON dating 5
back decades to its historic past.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Appleton, Wisconsin located on the
Fox River, is home to prestigious
Lawrence University which was
founded in 1847 and is our
country’s second oldest
coeducational liberal arts
college. Among Appleton’s claims
to fame were the University and
its being the hometown to Edna
Ferber and Erik Weiss, otherwise
known as Houdini.

IMAGES OF EDNA FERBER AND HOUDINI - PERHAPS FOOTAGE OF A

HOUDINI ESCAPE.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 4

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
However, in the spring of 1968
when the Squirrels burst onto the
scene with their hit single, “Do
the Squirrel” many residents here
believed that The Squirrels might
do for Appleton what the Beatles
did for Liverpool. The Squirrels -
Tommy Fuller, Randy Cunningham, *
Phil Westerbrook and Douglas
Wilson were all born in Appleton
in 1945.

PHOTOS, CIRCA 1940’s, childhood pictures of the foursome.

The most obvious in the pictures is bucktoothed, little
Tommy Fuller. *

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
By age ten these childhood
friends, under the guidance of
their parents, had formed a band -
“The Appletones.”

PHOTO: TIGHT SHOT OF “THE APPLETONES” PASTED ON DOUG’S

DRUMS.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL the 10 year old foursome, CIRCA

1950’s, playing in a garage band playing on
unsophisticated instruments. And, of course, NO SOUND.

We PAN the photograph to show each band member - finally *

landing on a camera shy, young, very buck-toothed Bucky.
Alongside Bucky are Bucky’s parents - both of whom have
pronounced buck teeth.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Virtually every year, while
students at Appleton West High
School, the Appletones entered the
school talent contest. And
virtually every year, they came in
dead last. What you are about to
hear is a tape recording made by
Bucky’s father at one of their
performances which will
demonstrate why.

ESTABLISHING SHOT - APPLETON WEST HIGH SCHOOL: 1959

PHOTOGRAPH OF THE APPLETONES ON HIGH SCHOOL STAGE:

These Appletones have crew cuts, and are in late-50’s

nerdy teen garb. Again, Bucky, on guitar, purposely
takes a far back seat to the others; putting Phil, Randy
and Doug up front.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 5

AUDIO: They kick off a lame performance PLAYING and

SINGING an uninspired, off-tempo, by-the-numbers
rendition of “DARKTOWN STRUTTER’S BALL.”

THE APPLETONES
I’LL BE DOWN TO GET YOU IN A TAXI
HONEY.
YOU’D BETTER BE READY BY HALF PAST
EIGHT.
NOW, BABY DON’T BE LATE.
WE WANT TO GET THERE WHEN THE BAND
STARTS PLAYING.
REMEMBER WHEN WE GET THERE HONEY -
TWO STEPS WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BALL.
WE’RE GONNA DANCE OFF BOTH OUR
SHOES
WHEN THEY PLAY THOSE JELLY ROLL
BLUES
TOMORROW NIGHT AT THE DARKTOWN
STRUTTERS' BALL

6 LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - EARLY 1960’S 6

PHOTOS of THE SQUIRRELS. *

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Less than ordinary as musicians,
but excellent students, the four
young men were accepted into
Lawrence University. However, not
into its world-class prestigious
music conservatory - but into its *
equally esteemed biology
department. Still, their secret *
dream was to be a rock and roll
band. So, they continued to play
their music in and around the
university. And by their senior
year they had succeeded to make
for themselves; unfortunately, the
name was “pathetic.” After
graduation, the group played
around town at various clubs - not
only working for free, but often
even having to pay admission to
their own performances. *

PHOTOS: the Appletones as nerds, posing UNDER MARQUEES OF *

VARIOUS CLUBS IN APPLETON- with their name “THE
APPLETONES” ALWAYS DEAD LAST AFTER AN ARRAY OF REALLY
STRANGE BAND NAMES. “THE BARKING PIGS” “THE BLACK OF
KNIGHT” and “NO ONE AND THE NOBODIES.” *

On one marquee their name IS MISSPELLED AS “THE

APLETONES.”
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 6

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Lost, disillusioned, depressed and
unappreciated, the Appletones were
about to disband when good fortune
struck. They were approached by
Chicago talent scout/manager/agent
Mort Fishbeck.

PHOTO OF MORT

MORT FISHBECK - Broadway Danny Rose in his 30’s -

oversized horn-rimmed glasses, open wide collar pattern
shirt and huge lapelled plaid sport coat. *

WIDEN ON PHOTO to reveal Mort is standing next to the *

geeky Appletones.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Mort had spotted the Appletones at
a local club offered to add them
to his roster. Mort’s
enthusiastic pitch instantly won
over the impressionable group and
they eagerly signed. Little did
they know that by adding them to
his roster, Mort’s client list had
now expanded to one. But Mort was
the best thing that ever happened
to them. Mort’s biggest
brainstorm, rather than play it
down, was to feature the unique
look and sound of bucktoothed
Tommy “Bucky” Fuller. In no time, *
Bucky blossomed from being a shy,
introverted kid in the shadows
into the confident frontman for
the group. Mort changed the
group’s name to Bucky and The
Squirrels, changed their look -
and ultimately gave them the
confidence and permission to break
out from under their parents
restrictive control and grow
creatively. And grow they did -
each member of the group finally
had the freedom to express his own
unique personality.

LOCAL APPLETON CLUB MARQUEE - “BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS” *

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 7

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Under Mort’s “Mortified” label and
direction, Bucky and the Squirrels
wrote and recorded their first
single “Do the Squirrel.” Which
became their one and only hit.
But what a hit it was.

“Mortified” 45 record with “Do the Squirrel.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
While the Squirrels had a
reputation for being squeaky clean
boys next door, there was one hint
of scandal. While performing at a
local club, someone had slipped
LSD into everyone’s drinks. Two *
months later, just as “Do the
Squirrel” rose to the top of the
charts, Phil Westerbrook was
slapped with a paternity suit by
an Anna Russo, one of the club’s *
waitresses. *

FAUX TABLOID MAGAZINE WITH HEADLINE AND PHOTOS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Phil and everyone else at the club
were so, quote, unquote “stoned,”
no one had any recollection of
much of the night - let alone of
the waitress. But rather than
have the incident sully his name *
and along with the name of the
Squirrels, Phil stepped up, did
the honorable thing and married
her. Once the scandal was off the
front pages, Mort managed to book
the group on a local TV teen show
“Rockin’ Roll” hosted by Dave
Madden, originating out of
Appleton.

4 INT. DAVE’S “ROCKIN’ ROLL” SHOW - DAY 4

CIRCA LATE 60’s VIDEO (4:3 aspect ratio) *

The Squirrels are standing in front of a really cheap

set. Oversized plastic musical notes hang from a curtain
behind them. Or maybe not. An equally cheap glitter
enhanced sign with show’s name hangs from the curtain as
well. A FEW TEENS in 60’s attire stand around watching. *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 8

DAVE MADDEN, a Dick Clark wannabee has popped in “Bucky *

Teeth.” He approaches the band - holding note cards with
actual musical notes on the back.

DAVE
Let’s hear it for our guests
today, Bucky and the Squirrels.

Dave mugs into camera then removes his cheap plastic buck
teeth.

DAVE (CONT’D)
(to Bucky)
No offense, but how the heck do
you talk with these?

BUCKY
Those are plastic. *

Dave wipes a little of the spray from Buck’s “plastic” *

off himself, as he continues... *

DAVE
Good point. Now which one of you *
is Bucky? Only kidding.

Dave moves to his next card.

DAVE (CONT’D)
(indicating Bucky)
Bucky, how about introducing the *
rest of the band? *

BUCKY *
Sure. *

Bucky begins introducing the band members to each other. *

BUCKY (CONT’D) *
Randy this is Phil. Phil this is
Doug. *

The rest of the band jumps in and ad libs introducing *

themselves to each other. Dave interrupts. *

DAVE
If you don’t mind I’d like to ask *
you a question. *

PHIL *
I don’t mind. *

DOUG *
I don’t mind. (To Randy) Do you? *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 8A

Again the Squirrels ad lib asking each other if they *

mind. Finally, *

DOUG (CONT’D) *
We don’t mind. *

DAVE *
Now many groups, bands, groups, if *
you will, have members who are
related to each other - brothers,
sisters, cousins; The Beach Boys,
The Everly Brothers, The Shangri-
Las, the Righteous brothers, The
Kinks, Gladys Knight and the Pips.
Are any of you related?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 9

BUCKY
No.

DAVE
Okay...

Dave tosses the card away and moves on to the next card.

DAVE (CONT’D)
I understand one of you just got *
married. Which one of you is *
Phil? *

Phil offers up a little uncomfortable wave. *

DAVE (CONT’D) *
So, who’s the unlucky girl? Only *
kidding. Who’s the lucky girl? *
Don’t be shy. Tell us all about *
it. Well, not “all about it”
because we’re on TV. Let’s start
with how you two met.

Phil is trapped. Bucky leans in and whispers the *

“embarrassing story” into Dave’s ear. Dave wipes his ear *
dry as he uncomfortably smiles into camera. *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 10

Now Dave remembers. He shuffles through the cards as he *

makes up his next question. Through the rest of the
interview Dave never quite gets back on track.

DAVE (CONT’D)
(to Randy)
So... what’s next for Bucky and
the Squirrels, Doug?

DOUG
I’m Doug. He’s Randy.

DAVE
Well, anyone, what’s next?

BUCKY
We’re headed to Europe for a multi-
city tour.

PHIL
We’ll be promoting our hit single,
“Do the Squirrel.”

DAVE
I imagine you’ll be promoting your
hit single “Do the Squirrel”

PHIL
I just said that.

DAVE
That’s where I heard it. Great. *
Well, how about favoring us with a *
performance, Rocky?

BUCKY
(correcting him)
Bucky.

DAVE
Right. I was confusing you with
Rocky the Flying Squirrel. You
know, Rocky and Bullwinkle.
(a la Bullwinkle)
Hey, wanna watch me pull a rabbit
out of a hat?

DOUG
That’s “Bullwinkle.”

DAVE
I believe it’s “Rocky.”

PHIL
Bullwinkle.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 11

BUCKY
Bullwinkle.

RANDY
Bullwinkle.

RANDY (CONT’D)
Bullwinkle.

DAVE
Okay, Bullwinkle. I’m sure a lot
of people confuse the two.

PHIL
I don’t.

BUCKY
I don’t.

RANDY
I don’t.

DOUG
I don’t.

DAVE
(annoyed)
Fine. Everybody, here’s Rocky and
the Squirrels.

BUCKY
(correcting him)
Bucky.

Dave gestures for someone in the booth to start the pre-

recorded music. The PRE-RECORDED MUSIC BEGINS before the
Squirrels can get to their instruments.
Everybody is late jumping in.

The SQUIRRELS, SINGING IN UNISON, LIP SYNCH TO THE SONG. *

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS *

THERE'S A BRAND NEW DANCE THAT'S
MAKIN' NEWS
OOH AHH OOH *
SO COME ON, PUT ON YOUR DANCIN'
SHOES
OOH AHH OOH *
DON'T BE SHY, GIVE IT A WHIRL
GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL,
SHAKE YOUR TAIL -
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 12
BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT'D)
TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT *
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL
*
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
NOW TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL *

GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM

LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
COME DANCE WITH ME
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

LOOKIN' OH SO FINE WHEN WE HIT THE *

FLOOR
OOH AHH OOH *
DO IT ONCE, YOU'LL WANNA DO IT
MORE
OOH AHH OOH *

MOVE YOUR HIPS, TWIST AND TWIRL

GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL
SHAKE YOUR TAIL -
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL

As the others sing and play, Randy breaks out and does
“the Squirrel” dance: sort of a begging, hopping Squirrel
thing.

Bucky invites the kids to join in: they all pop in

plastic “Bucky Teeth” and do “the Squirrel along with
Randy.

TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT *

YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL *

MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH

TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL
*
GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 13
BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT'D)
COME DANCE WITH ME *
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

FROM MAINE TO CALIFORNIA *

THEY'RE SQUIRRELIN' IN THE STREET
SQUIRRELIN' DOWN THE AVENUE
EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
EVERYONE YOU MEET
IS GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL WITH YOU

TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT *

YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH *
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL
*
GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
COME DANCE WITH ME
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

(MUSIC FADE OUT)

CUT TO:

PHOTO OF Squirrels GETTING ON A PLANE - EACH HOLDING A

BOX OF SCREAMING YELLOW ZONKERS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Two days later the Squirrels took
off for their very first concert *
tour - a tour of Europe. *

5 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 5

STEVE
Sadly, as we know, Bucky and the
Squirrels never completed that ill- *
fated tour. With more on the
story, here’s Barbara Harris live
in downtown Appleton. Barbara?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 14

6 EXT. SQUIRRELMANIA - DAY 6

An extremely, small, closet-sized store in Appleton. “Do

the Squirrel” can be heard playing from an outdoor
speaker. BARBARA HARRIS, ACN roving reporter, speaks into
a microphone with the station logo and ID.

BARBARA (INTO CAMERA)

Thank you, Steve. Barbara Harris
here in front of Squirrelmania, a
combination retail store and local
shrine to Bucky and the Squirrels
owned and operated by their former
manager, Mort Fishbeck.

Barbara enters the store. “Do the Squirrel” is blasting.

7 INT. SQUIRRELMANIA - DAY 7

The walls are plastered with multiples of the same

Squirrel poster, t-shirts, a couple of 45 records, and
several of the same 8 x 10 publicity shots - the same
shot that’s on the poster. On the counter is a basket of
plastic buckteeth and squirrel buttons.

Behind the counter, with his back to us, is MORT

FISHBECK, now in his 70’s, dressed like he dressed in the
60’s, but with a recent addition - he’s wearing an ill-
fitting, coal black unconvincing hairpiece. Mort is
straightening a framed poster.

BARBARA
Mr. Fishbeck!

He can’t hear her over the MUSIC. She tries again

louder.
BARBARA (CONT’D)
Mr. Fishbeck!!

Nothing. Barbara taps Mort on the shoulder. He jumps a

mile as he turns around. They both talk over the loud *
music. *

MORT
Hey, you don’t have sneak up
behind somebody and push him and
almost kill him!

BARBARA
I’m sorry!
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 15

MORT
You’re sorry? I practically wet
myself. You know, you coulda just
said, “Excuse me, Mr. Fishbeck”!

BARBARA
I did!

MORT
Oh. So, what can I do for you?

BARBARA
Would you mind turning the music
down?

MORT
Just a second, I’d like to turn
the music down.
(He does so, then)
My hearing’s not so good anymore -
too much loud Rock and Roll. Then
again, if it wasn’t loud, it
wouldn’t be Rock and Roll. I
should have worn earplugs. Hey,
speaking of earplugs - wanna buy
some “Squirrel” earplugs. They’re
in the shape of peanuts. Get it?
Squirrels? Peanuts?

To demonstrate, he sticks the peanut earplugs in his

ears.

MORT (CONT’D)
Half price.

BARBARA
Maybe later.
MORT
What?

BARBARA
Maybe later!

MORT
What?!

Barbara tucks her microphone under her arm and removes

Mort’s earplugs.

BARBARA
Maybe later!!

MORT
Hey, you don’t have to yell.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 16

She tries to hand the earplugs back to him.

MORT (CONT’D)
Keep ‘em. On me.

BARBARA
Mr. Fishbeck, I’m sure you heard
that the airplane that was
carrying Bucky and the Squirrels
was just found.

MORT
Breaks my heart - the thought of
those four sweet kids - fifty
years frozen like Popsicles. If
you don’t count my brothers Harry
and Sid, those boys were the
brothers I never had.

BARBARA
Could you tell me about when you
first heard the Squirrels?

MORT
Could and will. Awful. Beyond
awful. I thought it was a comedy
act. Every song, note for note
right off the sheet music.
Listening to them was like being
trapped in an elevator.

BARBARA
And my understanding was that in *
those days Bucky was in the *
background.

MORT
He was so far in the background he
was in a different zip code.
Embarrassed because of his buck
teeth. Hell, you could open a pop
bottle with them. Pop! I said
“schmuck, those giant teeth make
you sound different. Being
different is a good thing. I said
you don’t want to end up like the
Barlow Brothers.

BARBARA
Who?

MORT
I rest my case.

A message comes in over her EARPHONE.

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 17

BARBARA
Excuse me.
(into camera)
I understand we have to go to
Steve Schmidt with a news
bulletin.

MORT
Oh. Okay. I’ll get my hat.

Mort moves as if he’s going to get his hat, then stop.

MORT (CONT’D)
I was just goofing around. I
don’t even have a hat. Unless you
count this.

Mort straightens his bad hairpiece.

8 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 8

STEVE
Thank you, Barbara. We’ve just
received an update from the crash
site. Here’s Mitchell again with
that report.

9 EXT. WHITE SNOWSTORM SCREEN - STOCK FOOTAGE - DAY 9

Mitchell, again unseen, is still fighting the elements -

and losing.

MITCHELL (V.O.)
Steve, hold on. The construction
crew has just dug the plane out of
the frozen tundra and is prying
the cockpit doors open. My god!
I don’t believe it! Bucky and the
Squirrels are encased in ice in
the cockpit -- and from what it
looks like - yes! This is really
scary. They’re perfectly
preserved - like mummies. There’s
a lot of confusion as paramedics
have joined the workers and are
descending on the crash site.

SFX: SIRENS and HUBBUB.

MITCHELL
I’m not quite sure what’s going
on.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 18

STEVE
While we’re waiting for further
clarification, just a sidebar.
The British captain, Frank Fowler,
who piloted this small commuter
plane taking the Squirrels to
their concert, panicked and
parachuted out and days later was *
rescued by monks at the Monastery
of St. Benedict.

PHOTO OF CAPTAIN FOWLER, 30’S, CIRCA 1960’s. *

PHOTO: MONASTERY *

STEVE (CONT’D)
Out of a deep sense of guilt,
Captain Fowler joined the order,
took a sacred a vow of silence,
and has not spoken a word in the
last 45 years.

PRESENT DAY PHOTO OF FOWLER AS ELDERLY MONK.

STEVE (CONT’D)
Just a second. I understand
Mitchell has a further update.

BACK TO WHITE SCREEN:

MITCHELL (V.O.)
That’s correct, Steve. Experts in
the field of Cryonics have just
been contacted and are unanimous *
in their assessments; if it is at
all possible to revive any of the *
Squirrels, the shock of their
awakening in unfamiliar
surroundings could cause
irreparable psychic damage.
Consequently, it was decided that
they be air-lifted back to a
facility in their hometown of
Appleton, Wisconsin. *

SFX: HELICOPTERS
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 19

MITCHELL
What you hear in the background is
the arrival of four CH-47F Chinook
Cargo Evac Helicopters. The
ground crew has loaded the
entombed, frozen bodies into the
aircrafts ... and they’ve taken
off -- a sight I’m sure many of
your viewers will never forget.

SPINNING NEWSPAPER - THE APPLETONIAN GAZETTE

HEADLINE: “FROZEN SQUIRRELS HEADING HOME.”

CONTEMPORARY AIRPLANE STOCK FOOTAGE.

10 EXT. APPLETON CRYONICS LAB - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY 10

Appleton Cryonics name and logo is prominently featured. *

FISHER (V.O.) *
Here at Appleton Cryonics we are
fortunate to have some of the
world’s most sophisticated,
defrosting equipment...

11 INT. ALBERT FISHER’S OFFICE - DAY 11 *

TIGHT SHOT: MICROWAVE

The MICROWAVE DINGS. A HAND opens the door takes out a

coffee cup. WIDEN TO REVEAL THE OFFICE and ALBERT *
FISHER, Appleton Cryonics’ lab director. *

Fisher takes a sip of coffee, makes a face and sets the *

cup aside.

FISHER *
Ice cold. But what’s the
surprise? Everything in this
place is ice cold.

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

I’m here with Dr. Albert Fisher, *
director of Appleton Cryonics.
I’m sorry, doctor. You were
saying?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 20

FISHER *
Let me see. Oh, right. The
equipment here is the finest
anywhere. Although, I must admit
until now we haven’t had occasion
to actually try any of it out.
Follow me.

As Fisher exits he stops to straighten a picture of Walt *

Disney on the wall. Steve follows him out.

12 INT. CORRIDOR - DAY 12

As Fisher and Steve walk, TECHNICIAN #1 and #2 in hazmat *

suits rush past carrying pick axes. *

FISHER *
Just so we’re clear, we didn’t *
freeze them, so if they don’t pull *
through, you know, end up taking a *
dirt nap, don’t blame us. *

STEVE *
I understand. Dr, do you mind my *
asking what your medical specialty *
is? *

FISHER *
I don’t see why that’s important. *

STEVE *
I’m sure our viewers would *
probably like to know. *

FISHER *
Well, technically, I’m not an *
actual medical doctor. *

STEVE *
Then your training is in... *

FISHER *
Something else. *

STEVE *
And that would be? *

FISHER *
Motel management. *

STEVE *
Oh, I would have thought... *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 20A

FISHER *
It’s okay. I lot of people make *
that mistake. *

TECHNICIANS #3 and #4 in Hazmat suits rush past, each *

carrying a handful of hair dryers. *

As Steve and Fisher pass a science lab... *

STEVE
And what’s going on in there? *

FISHER *
Research. *

STEVE *
On? *

FISHER *
You know, scientific stuff. *

TECHNICIAN #4 and #5 in hazmat suits push past with huge *

chunks of ice on a rolling table - prominent is a worse *
for wear open Screaming Yellow Zonkers box. *

FISHER (CONT’D) *
Just a second. *

Fisher stops the cart, dips his hand inside the box, *
takes out a handful, tastes them and makes a “not bad” *
face. *

Steve and Fisher arrive at a LARGE METAL DOOR with a *

SMALL WINDOW.

Several signs are posted around the doors: “THAWING ROOM”

“DANGER CONTAMINATION CONTROL AREA - “AUTHORIZED PERSONS
ONLY.” Prominent is A FLASHING “DEFROSTING” SIGN. *

AN INTERCOM is mounted alongside the double doors. *

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 21

INTERCOM (V.O.)
More hair dryers! More hair
dryers!

STEVE *
Is that what you call it? A
“thawing room?”

FISHER *
When you come up with a better
name, let me know.

Steve peeks into one of the windows.

STEVE
I’ve never seen such elaborate
equipment. What’s that large *
complex-looking electronic setup
over there in the corner. *

Fisher peeks into the window. *

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 22

FISHER *
That’s our sound system. When
we’re not using the equipment for *
defrosting, the room doubles as a *
tanning salon.

INTERCOM: A HEART MONITOR BEEP! BEEP!

INTERCOM VOICES
Patient three! We’ve got a
heartbeat! Rapid eye movement!
Respiratory function initiated!

FISHER *
Well, I’ll be damned. *

INTERCOM: AN ADDITIONAL HEART MONITOR BEGINS BEEPING.

BEEP! BEEP!

INTERCOM VOICE
Patent two responding. Checking
vital signs.

INTERCOM: THE OTHER MONITORS BEGIN TO BEEP.

INTERCOM VOICE (CONT’D)

They’re all coming to.

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

Ladies and gentlemen, we are
witnessing something truly ground-
breaking - a scientific first.

Suddenly, there’s a loud ALARM throughout the building.

STEVE (CONT’D)
(startled)
What’s that?

FISHER *
(checks his watch) *
Lunch. Let’s see... Wednesday.
Split pea soup. Yuck!

13 INT. SQUIRREL’S ROOM - DAY 13

A room with four beds side by side - maybe some hospital *

equipment.

SUPER: TWO DAYS LATER.

The Squirrels are each sitting up in bed wearing hospital

gowns and bibs. As a result of their ordeal all are
noticeably pale blue.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 23

TWO FEMALE NURSE-STYLE AIDES are assisting the Squirrels *

who are eating pudding, apple sauce, yogurt or baby food. *
Each Squirrels is dribbling food the way a baby does when *
it first learns to eat.

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

I’m here in the recovery room at
Appleton Cryonics where
miraculously all four members of
the Squirrels, who were
resuscitated two days ago, are now
hopefully on a path to recovery.

FISHER ENTERS with DR. LAURA ADAMS, attractive, 30’s. *

FISHER *
Good morning.

The Squirrels look up causing them to dribble food even *

more. *

DR. ADAMS *
Can any of you say ‘Good morning?” *

The Squirrels simply BABBLE and are confused by their own

nonsense.

FISHER *
This is Dr. Adams. *

The Squirrel’s, noticing that she’s attractive, *

enthusiastically BABBLE their approval. *

FISHER (CONT’D) *
Enough of that, okay? Dr. Adams
is our staff psychologist. I’ll
leave you in her capable hands.
The double entendre doesn’t escape the Squirrels. *

Fisher exits. *

DR. ADAMS
Good morning. How are you *
feeling? *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 24

In response, the Squirrels YAMMER on and on.

*

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D) *

I understand. You have a lot of
questions and it’s difficult for
you to articulate them. We’ll get
to that in due time. All you need
to know for now is that you were
on a plane flight, there was an
incident, and you were recently
rescued. We can go over the
details at a later date. But
right now you have a lot of work
to do; learning, or rather,
relearning to talk and to walk.
You’ll also discover that some
processes will be delayed. Things
that used to come easily -
thoughts, words, language and
comprehension - won’t always come
out with the speed or in the way
you intended. But I assure you
that I and our staff will do
everything we can to help you
return to normal. Are you ready
to give it a try?

The Squirrels BABBLE.

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D) *

Great.

13A INT. SQUIRREL’S ROOM - DAY 13A *

The Squirrels are in t-shirts and Depends. The aides try *

to assist the Squirrels as they attempt to dress *
themselves into their Cryonics sweat clothes. *

Again, like toddlers they can’t figure out which *

appendage goes where. As they struggle, they try to help *
each other, which only makes matters worse. *

14 INT. PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM - DAY 14

Basically an exercise room with mats on the floor. Each

of the Squirrels is dressed in their CRYONIC’S SWEAT *
CLOTHES, TENNIS SHOES, BOXING STYLE HEADGEAR AND KNEE *
PADS. A COUPLE OF THE SQUIRRELS’ OUTFITS ARE PUT ON *
INCORRECTLY. *

AN AIDE helps each Squirrel balancing him in place as *

they stand alongside each other and face JOYCE, the
physical therapist, across the room.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 24A

JOYCE
Let’s try it again, okay?
Remember, the first one to “walk”
across the room “without running”
gets a candy bar. Would anybody
like a candy bar?

They all MUTTER enthusiastically and nod.

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 25

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Remember, no running. Okay! And
go!

Joyce blows a WHISTLE.

The Squirrels, like beginning toddlers, try to walk *

across the room - often having to be steered away from
each other. Some COO and BABBLE happily. Some,
frustrated, CRY and sit. Some have to be turned to face
in the right direction. It’s like herding cats.

Randy, the eventual winner, falls into Joyce’s arms and

knocks her over.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Nice job.

Joyce sits Randy up. He proudly snatches the candy bar

from her hand, smiles, and proceeds to try and put it
into his mouth, but misses and gets his forehead. While
Randy sits there confused, Doug takes the candy bar from
Randy and tries to put it in his mouth - but misses and
sticks it in his eye. Phil moves to Doug and licks
Doug’s chocolate covered eye socket.

15 INT. VOICE THERAPY ROOM - DAY 15

Several charts adorn the room; diagrams of the mouth and

throat and letters of the alphabet with pronunciation
guides.

The Squirrels are sitting alongside each other on an

armless couch. Left to right: Phil, Randy, Bucky and
Doug.
Because their balance is still off, TWO AIDES flank the *
couch to help keep them upright.

Joyce is seated at a piano.

JOYCE
(articulating slowly)
Okay, everybody, nod if you’re *
ready.

They all nod like bobbleheads. They all continue to nod

and nod and nod until...

JOYCE (CONT’D)
You can stop now.

They eventually stop nodding.

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 26

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Good. On three. One, two, three.

Joyce begins SINGING and PLAYING “The Alphabet Song.”

The Squirrels BABBLE ALONG - PURE DRIVEL...

JOYCE/SQUIRRELS
(singing)
A, B, C, D - E - F - G - H - I - J
- K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R -
S - T - U and V - W - X - Y and Z
NOW I KNOW MY A - B - C's.
NEXT TIME WON’T YOU SING WITH ME.

A couple of beats after Joyce finishes, the Squirrels

BABBLE - something that doesn’t remotely resemble the
last line ”NEXT TIME WON’T YOU SING WITH ME.”

Phil begins to slide off the couch to a side. While an

Aide catches him, Doug begins to slide off the other side *
of the couch. Another Aide rushes to him. In the
meanwhile, Randy and Bucky slink forward off the couch as
well.

As the Aides rush to them Phil and Doug fall off the *
sides of the couch.

After a long struggle to get everybody back on the couch

and stabilized...

PHIL
(babbling his
nonsense version of)
NEXT TIME WON’T YOU SING WITH ME.”

RANDY
(babbling his
nonsense version of)
SING WITH ME.

16 EXT. CRYONICS CAMPUS - DAY 16

A grassy area within view of the lab building. Joyce has *

the Squirrels tethered to leashes on harnesses. The
Squirrels are walking better, but still moving like
marionettes and wind-up toys.

Soon they get tangled up in each other’s leashes - the

way dog’s often do. Joyce tries to untangle the leashes, *
but the Squirrels continue to aimlessly walk around
making it virtually impossible. We continue recording
this until it’s not funny anymore.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 27

17 INT. VOICE THERAPY ROOM - DAY 17

More speech therapy with Joyce. There’s been some

progress as the Squirrels sing along - sort of. You can
almost, sort of, understand the words, but the cadence is
still really off.

JOYCE AND SQUIRRELS (SINGING)

SHE’LL BE COMIN’ ROUND THE
MOUNTAIN, WHEN SHE COMES.
WHEN SHE COMES.
SHE’LL BE COMIN’ ROUND THE
MOUNTAIN, WHEN SHE COMES.
WHEN SHE COMES.
SHE’LL BE COMIN’ ROUND THE
MOUNTAIN,
SHE’LL BE COMIN’ ROUND THE
MOUNTAIN,
SHE’LL BE COMIN’ ROUND THE
MOUNTAIN, WHEN SHE COMES.
WHEN SHE COMES.

Each time: A SOMEWHAT LATE “WHEN SHE COMES.” After a

couple of beats.

RANDY
NEXT TIME WON’T YOU SING WITH ME.

18 INT. GYM EXERCISE ROOM - DAY 18

Joyce and her aides are monitoring the Squirrels on *

various exercise machines. Three of them are on *
treadmills. *

After a time...
JOYCE
Okay! That’s 25 minutes! You can
stop now!

Taking Joyce literally, the three Squirrels stop walking *

but, of course, the treadmills continue to run.

The Squirrels are moved backwards and fall off the back *
of their treadmills. Joyce rushes over to help everyone *
up.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
My fault. My fault. I should *
have told you -- you’re supposed
to keep walking until the
treadmills stop.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 28

They all nod, and noticing that the treadmills are still
running, they resume walking till they each arrive at a *
wall - and then either march in place or turn and keep
walking - like wind up toys.

Joyce realizes what’s happening. *

JOYCE (CONT’D) *
Look! Look! I’m turning them *
off! I’m turning them off! *

Joyce turns off the treadmills and the Squirrels stop *

walking. *

JOYCE (CONT’D) *
They’re off! They’re off! *

19 INT. DR. ADAMS 0FFICE - DAY 19

Dr. Adams is giving each of the Squirrels “A FREE

ASSOCIATION TEST.” Each Squirrel answers haltingly.

DR. ADAMS
I’m going to say a word and I want
you to say the first word that
comes into your mind.

Dr. Adams refers to her list and begins. With each

strange and inappropriate response, Dr. Adams tries not
to indicate her concern at the disconnect - but she’s
concerned. Dr. Adams speaks slowly and articulates.

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D)

Dog...

RANDY
... underpants.

DR. ADAMS
Cat...

PHIL
... wiener.

DR. ADAMS
Day...

BUCKY
... spoon.

DR. ADAMS
Hot...

DOUG
... monkey.
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 28A

DR. ADAMS
Black...

RANDY
... book.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 29

Dr. Adams thinks... hmmm. “Black book.” She’s

encouraged. *

DR. ADAMS
Light...

PHIL
... bulb.

Another good response. *

DR. ADAMS
Happy...

BUCKY *
Sad. *

DR. ADAMS *
Tall... *

DOUG *
Water *

Dr. Adams tries again - trying to elicit a better

connection.

DR. ADAMS
Tall... *

DOUG
... water.

Dr. Adams gives it one more try.

DR. ADAMS
Tall... *
DOUG
... water.

DOUG (CONT’D) *
Water. Thirsty.

DR. ADAMS
(catching on)
Oh, water. Sorry.

Dr Adams pours Doug a glass of water. He takes a sip -

dribbling some, of course.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 30

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D)

Better?

DOUG
Homes and Gardens.

DR. ADAMS
(pleased with the
connection)
Yes.

RANDY
Terday.

DR. ADAMS
(puzzled)
Terday?

RANDY
Yes... terday.

BUCKY
(talking the words,
haltingly)
All my troubles seemed so far
away.

PHIL *
Beatles. *

Bucky and Phil move to “high five” each other, miss and *
slap each other in the face. *

20 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 20

CHYRON: TWO WEEKS LATER

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)
Dr. Adams is about to enter the
next crucial stage of the
Squirrel’s counseling, when she
reveals to them the full nature of
what has happened to them. I’m
told by one of our producers it’s
just about to happen.
(he nods)
It is. We’re going to cut inside
Dr. Adams office now.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 31

21 INT. DR. ADAMS 0FFICE - DAY 21

Dr. Adams is seated opposite the Squirrels. Their speech

and movements are somewhat improved, but still not
remotely normal. Dr. Adams is looking through folders of
paperwork on their progress.

DR. ADAMS
First of all, you have each done
remarkably well. You have
regained much of your ability walk
and to talk. And your
cognitive/speech relationships and
coordination have improved
greatly. Well done, everybody.

BUCKY
Thank you.

DOUG
Thank you.

PHIL
Thank you.

DR. ADAMS
You’re quite welcome.

RANDY
So are you.

DR. ADAMS
It’s time to explain something to
you - why we’ve kept you separated
from the rest of the outside
world. It was to make certain you
had the tools to comprehend, react
and psychologically deal with what
I’m about to tell you.

BUCKY
Oh oh!

PHIL
Why “oh, oh!”?

DOUG
Bucky’s worried. That’s why “oh
oh!”

RANDY
I’m not worried.
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 32

BUCKY
Well, I am.

RANDY
Well, I’m not.

DR. ADAMS
I caution you that at first this
may be very difficult for you to
understand and accept.

RANDY
Okay, now I’m worried.

DR. ADAMS
When your plane crashed and you
were buried in the snow - it
wasn’t as you believe -- for a
relatively short time. It was
longer.

PHIL
Longer.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, longer.

BUCKY
Longer.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, Bucky. Longer.

DOUG
Longer. You mean like a couple of *
days.
DR. ADAMS
Longer than that.

RANDY
Longer than that?

DR. ADAMS
Much longer.

PHIL
Much longer. How much longer? A
week? Not a week?

DR. ADAMS
Not a week. It was for almost 50
years.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 33

DOUG *
(amused)
No, seriously.

DR ADAMS
Seriously.

PHIL
(amused)
No, seriously.

DR. ADAMS
Really seriously.

DOUG
Seriously?

DR. ADAMS
Seriously.

BUCKY
Seriously? (after a long pause)
Uh, oh.

All four Squirrels sit there side by side stoned-faced in

shock.

22 INT. SQUIRREL’S ROOM - NIGHT 22

Several personal items now decorate the room - crayon

self portraits of the Squirrels, other childish drawings,
Nerf balls, and a few other toys.

The Squirrels, side by side in their beds are still

staring, stone-faced as before, eyes wide open -
thinking, each trying to take it all in and make sense of
it. This goes on much longer than any director has the
courage to let it run. I hope it’s not a mistake.

23 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DR. ADAMS OFFICE - DAY 23

SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

The shock that the Squirrels had
been virtually in a state of
suspended animation for nearly
half a century eventually
registered with them. And Dr.
Adams has spent the past week
giving them a crash course in
cultural history over the last 50
years.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 34

Steve hears something in his earpiece.

STEVE (CONT’D)
This just in. The pilot of the
Squirrel’s downed aircraft, 90
year old Captain Frank Fowler -
now father Fowler, has just
learned that the Squirrels didn’t
perish but were all found alive.
If you recall, Father Fowler, out
of guilt for his parachuting to
safety, joined a monastery, took a
vow of silence and hasn’t spoken
for 47 years. Upon learning the
news, the shock apparently caught
the father off-guard, he blurted
out, “Holy shit” and was promptly
excommunicated.
(then realizing)
I apologize for my language. The
story came right off the wire and
I didn’t have a chance to read it
first otherwise I would have never
said, “holy shit.”
(under his breath)
Shit.

Steve reacts slightly to his repeated blunder and moves

on.

STEVE (CONT’D)
Let’s cut to our camera inside
where I believe Dr. Adams is
wrapping up her presentation.

24 INT. DR. ADAM’S OFFICE - DAY 24

DR. ADAMS
I’m sure you all must have a bunch
of questions. Who would like to
go first?

Doug raises his hand.

DOUG
Tell me again what the Kardashians
are famous for.

This is a tough one. As Dr. Adams struggles to formulate *

an answer there’s a KNOCK at the door.

DR. ADAMS
(calling out)
We’re in session.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 35

ANNA (O.C.)
I wanna see Phil Westerbrook.

Dr. Adams moves to handle the matter.

DR. ADAMS
(to Squirrels)
Excuse me.

Dr. Adams opens the door. Standing there is ANNA RUSSO,

about 70, trying unsuccessfully to look much younger.

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D)

Can you tell me what this is
regarding?

Anna pushes her way in and approaches Phil.

ANNA
(stunned)
Oh, my god! You look exactly the
same. I mean, “exactly.” This is
really freaky.

DR. ADAMS
It’s also very inappropriate. Who
are you?

ANNA
(to Phil)
I’m Anna Russo.

This revelation means absolutely nothing to Phil.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Anna Russo. (To Dr. Adams) His
wife. (to Phil) Your wife. Well,
I “was” your wife, but after your
plane disappeared and you were
dead I took the insurance money
and moved on.

DR. ADAMS
And you’re here because...

ANNA
Because my shrink said I should
apologize to Phil for forcing him
to marry me.

DR. ADAMS
This is not a good time.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 36

ANNA
It is for me, lady. Okay? He’s *
lucky my shrink even talked me
into showing up. Okay? So back
off, okay?
(to Phil)
I’m sorry. There I’ve said it.

PHIL
You have nothing to apologize to
me for, Anna.

ANNA
Yes, I do.
(calling out into
hallway)
Junior, get in here!

JUNIOR ENTERS. He looks like a 50 year-old Bucky -

complete with identical buck teeth.

Everyone’s eyes shift to Bucky. Bucky shrugs. As

everybody reacts, Anna takes out her cell phone and
dials.

ANNA (INTO PHONE) (CONT’D)

Dr. Richmond, I just did it, okay?
Now can I have some Valium? (BEAT) *
No, I don’t want to come in and
talk about it. You know
something? For a psychiatrist,
you’re really an asshole. *

She hangs up and exits - leaving Phil Jr. awkwardly

standing there.

ANNA (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Junior!!!!

Junior shrugs apologetically and exits.

DR. ADAMS
Well... since we’ve had one
unannounced visitor. I might as
well tell you that there’s someone
else here who has been patiently
waiting to see you.
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 37
DR. ADAMS (CONT'D)
Someone who hasn’t seen you in a
very, very long time either.
Someone who I think you’d all like
to see.

PHIL
Elvis?

DR. ADAMS
No, it’s your agent, Mort
Fishbeck.

DOUG
O.M.G.

DR. ADAMS
You don’t say O.M.G. You only
type it.

RANDY
L.O.L! L.O.L!

Dr. Adams calls out into the hallway.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Fishbeck!

They all eagerly wait. It seems to take forever.

Finally, Mort enters. The boys are stunned; the last
time they saw MORT he was in his late 20’s.

BUCKY
Mort?

MORT
(joking, he looks
around)
Where?

Mort moves to the boys and squeezes Bucky’s face, then

does the same face squeeze down the line as he says,
“Look at you” to each one.

MORT (CONT’D)
Look at you. Look at you. Look
at you. Look at you. Look at
you.

The last face he squeezes is Dr. Adams’ face.

MORT (CONT’D)
(to Dr. Adams)
Sorry, I got carried away. I
can’t believe it. They haven’t
changed a bit.
(back to Squirrels)
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 38
MORT (CONT’D)
You haven’t changed a bit. Of
course, I still look pretty good
too, right?

Mort asks “am I right?” to each of them as he moves down

the line and grabs each of their faces.

MORT (CONT’D)
Am I right? Am I right? Am I
right? Am I right?

Dr. Adams pulls back in anticipation of a face squeeze.

MORT (CONT’D)
Nice move. It’s a good thing I
don’t represent the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir - I’d be
squeezing faces all night.
(to the Squirrels)
So... besides the plane crash and
being frozen and buried alive for
50 years, what’s new?

The Squirrels all shake their heads, smile and hug him.
Bucky playfully rubs Mort’s head, totally dislodging
hairpiece. As Mort straightens it...

MORT (CONT’D)
I got this because my landlord
won’t let me have a cat.

25 INT. SQUIRREL’S ROOM - NIGHT 25 *

TIGHT SHOT - TV SET *

On it is a PEAK ANTIFREEZE COMMERCIAL *

The Squirrels and Mort are all lying on the hospital beds *
as if they were one large bed. Half empty pizza boxes, *
and soft drinks cans are scattered about. *

DOUG *
Peak Antifreeze. Maybe we could *
do a commercial for them. *

RANDY *
Peak Antifreeze. Mmmm. Delicious. *

MORT *
You don’t drink it. It’s for *
cars. *

BUCKY *
Yeah, it’s for cars. You silly. *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 38A

RANDY *
I know. I was being silly. *

PHIL *
He was being silly. *

DOUG *
Mort, Randy was being silly? *

MORT *
Tell me about it. *

PHIL *
Well, we were frozen, right? *

BUCKY *
Right. *

PHIL *
And then I saw this commercial for *
antifreeze. *

RANDY *
I saw it too. *

DOUG *
Me too... *

A SERIES OF DISSOLVES: Mort and the Squirrels as they *

enjoy their reunion sharing a pizza - culminating with *
their all being asleep. *

STEVE (V.O.)
The Squirrels and Mort spent the
rest of the day and through much
of the night, talking, laughing
and reminiscing about old times. *
According to Dr. Adams, it was a
powerful and healing reunion -
which paved the way for another
reunion.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 39

26 EXT. APPLETON STREET - CRYONICS VAN - DAY 26

Dr. Adams is driving. The Squirrels are in the van

staring out the windows.

DR. ADAMS
A great deal has changed, hasn’t
it?

They all nod.

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D)

Can anybody say what’s changed?

BUCKY
Cars. Clothes. Streets. Sounds.

Randy, who’s sitting next to Bucky, wipes his face from

Bucky’s bucktooth spritzing.

RANDY
Too many s’s.

BUCKY
Sorry.

RANDY
Right.

DOUG
Randy, he apologized.

PHIL
He did. I heard him too.

BUCKY
See. Everyone says I said I was
sorry.

RANDY *
You know what else has changed? *
We have a black president. *

DOUG *
Randy’s being silly again, aren’t *
you? *

PHIL *
No, Randy’s serious. I saw it on *
TV. *

DOUG *
Really? Wow. I black president. *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 39A

BUCKY *
And you know what? He’s not even *
an American. *

PHIL *
Really? Where did you hear that? *

BUCKY *
Fox News. *

27 EXT. REST HAVEN RETIREMENT HOME - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

27

28 INT. REST HAVEN RETIREMENT HOME - DAY 28

The Squirrels are standing in the main living room.

Several ELDERLY PEOPLE are scattered about reading,
knitting, playing cards, dozing...

Dr. Adams enters from a hallway leading FOUR COUPLES in

their 90’s - the Squirrel’s parents. One couple has buck
teeth.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 40

Without saying a word, the boys, moved by the reunion,

open their arms wide as their equally emotional parents
shuffle over to the boys and hug them.

During this tender moment, Randy motions for Dr. Adams to

come over; he whispers something to her. Dr. Adams nods
knowingly and exchanges the couple hugging Randy with the
couple hugging Doug. Now the parents are each hugging
the correct son.

29 EXT/INT. MAIN STREET - DAY 29

The Squirrels are experiencing the “new world” - a world

that has significantly changed in the last half century.

Checking out the locals; GIRLS in SHORT SKIRTS, some

GOTH, TATTOOS and PIERCINGS, PEOPLE on cell phones.

Dr. Adams demonstrates her cell phone. She takes a

picture of the Squirrels and shows it to them - they’re
amazed.

30 INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR - DAY 30

The Squirrels overwhelmed by the selections.

DR. ADAMS
Ready to order?

BUCKY
So many choices.

Randy gets spritzed by Bucky’s s’s, and shoots Bucky a

warning look.
DR. ADAMS
(indicating that Doug
should order)
Doug?

DOUG
Mint chocolate chip, please.

PHIL
Peppermint, please

RANDY
Bubble Gum, please.

DR. ADAMS
Bucky...
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 41

Randy covers his face in anticipation of Bucky’s

potentially spritz-filled order - and with good reason.

BUCKY
Strawberry Sherbet Swirl, please. *

When Bucky finished ordering, Randy removes his hand from

protecting his face when...

BUCKY (CONT’D)
... two scoops.

Randy’s nailed.

31 EXT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE - DAY 31

The Squirrels stop at the window - finally something they

can relate to. They rush inside.

32 INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE - DAY 32

FLIPS, CUTS AND POSING AS THE CHANGE INTO ONE OUTFIT

AFTER ANOTHER.

33 EXT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE -DAY 33

The Squirrels exit wearing fun retro clothes including *

1960’s designer airbrushed t-shirts, exit with their *
purchases.

34 EXT. APPLETON STREET - COLLEGE AVENUE - DAY 34

They approach the CHILDREN’S MUSEUM and like children *

excitedly rush inside. Dr. Adams shakes her head and *
follows them inside.

35 INT. CHILDREN’S MUSEUM - DAY 35

The Squirrels join the rest of the KIDS with PARENTS

playing in all the interactive exhibits.

A COUPLE OF PEOPLE recognize the Squirrels and we see

them TEXTING on their phones.

36 INT. SQUIRRELMANIA - DAY 36

The Squirrels are signing photographs. The line goes out

the door.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 42

Dr. Adams sticks her head out the front door and looks
down the street.

DR. ADAMS
I don’t believe it. The line *
stretches all the way around the
block.

RANDY
How did everybody know we were
here?

DR. ADAMS
Social media. Facebook. Twitter.

The Squirrels turn to Mort for an explanation.

MORT
Don’t look at me. I still don’t
know how to use the internet
machine thing.

DR. ADAMS
Computer.

MORT
That too.

DOUG
We’re more popular now that we’re
alive again than we were when we
were alive before we were dead.

PHIL
I think your head still needs to
defrost a little more.
Bucky finishes signing an autograph - which takes
forever. Then...

BUCKY
Next.

Next are TWO ATYPICAL FANS - TWO serious-minded MEN in

suits - AGENT HARDY and a PARTNER. They each FLASH A
BADGE.

AGENT HARDY
IRS. You’re under arrest.

They slap handcuffs on our dumbstruck foursome.

37 EXT. IRS HEADQUARTERS - DAY 37

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 43

38 INT. IRS HEADQUARTERS WAITING ROOM - DAY 38

Several chairs. Government placards on the walls. A

desk with an officious/guard type behind it - doing
paperwork.

A door marked “INTERROGATION” is in the background. A

clock hangs overhead.

STEVE (INTO CAMERA)

We’re in IRS headquarters in
Appleton where Bucky and the
Squirrels are being questioned in
the next room. From what little
we’ve been able to learn, the
Squirrels failed to file tax
returns for 1968, the year they *
disappeared. And while the amount *
owed at the time was less than
$300 each, with interest and
penalties over a half century they *
now owe approximately $649,000
each - or $2,596,000 - and are
facing a minimum of five years in
prison.

MORT
Not if I have anything to say
about it.

Mort rushes toward the interrogation area. Dr. Adams

tries to stop him.

DR. ADAMS
Mort, no!

But Mort keeps going. *

The guard chases after Mort into the interrogation room.
After a beat, the Guard, Agent Hardy and his partner
carry a feisty Mort out and set him in a chair. Mort
starts to rise.

AGENT HARDY
Sit! Stay!

As the Guard returns to his desk and Hardy and his

partner move back towards the interrogation room, Mort
sneaks in behind them and closes the door. WE HEAR some
commotion in the interrogation room, the door opens and
Hardy and his partner carry Mort out. This time they are *
all disheveled.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 44

They set Mort down in a chair and handcuff him to the

arm. They shake their heads and walk back into the
interrogation room.

DR. ADAMS
Mort, you’re only going to make
things worse.

MORT
They’re already worse.

Mort picks up his chair and heads back into the

interrogation room. The Guard rushes in after him.

Again, we hear a commotion - louder and longer than

before.

The camera moves up to the clock above the door. The

hands move as an hour and a half passes, then...

The guard, the agents and MORT exit the interrogation

area. They’re all LAUGHING - best buddies.

AGENT HARDY
(laughing, to Mort)
What was the punch line again?

MORT
“He had a hat!”

The agents BREAK UP LAUGHING. Doug, Phil, Randy and

Bucky enter from the back room looking exhausted from the
interrogation.

DR. ADAMS
Are you boys okay?
THE SQUIRRELS
(whining and shaking
their heads like
children)
No.

They rush over to Dr. Adams for a mass comforting hug.

STEVE
(to Agent Hardy)
Steve Schmidt, ANC News. Can you
tell our viewers the status of the
case?

MORT
(to Agent Hardy)
Stand up straight.
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 45
MORT (CONT'D)
Remember, you represent the
federal government and you’re on
television.

Agent Hardy gets serious.

MORT (SOTTO) (CONT’D)

And don’t forget... “He had a
hat.”

Hardy breaks up laughing.

STEVE
(to Agent Hardy)
The status?

AGENT HARDY
Sorry. The status. The case is
resolved. Mr. Fishbeck, the
Squirrel’s manager, has personally
guaranteed to pay all their back
taxes.

MORT
It’s the least I could do.
(sotto, to Hardy)
I won’t forget about the
Springsteen tickets.

Agent Two signals to get Mort’s attention.

MORT (CONT’D)
And Justin Beiber.

Hardy shoots agent two a look. Agent two is embarrassed.

39 INT. APPLETON - CRYOGENICS VAN - DAY 39

As it travels...

DOUG
Mort, we can’t let you use your
savings to pay for us.

MORT
What savings? I just said that to
keep you out of prison. I don’t
have any money. My debit card’s
in debt.

RANDY
(to Phil)
Do you know what a debit card is?
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 46

PHIL
No, what is it?

RANDY
I don’t know. That’s why I was
asking you.

PHIL
Oh. I don’t know either. Sorry,
I wish I could help you.

RANDY
I do too.

DR. ADAMS
So, what do you think’s going to
happen?

MORT
Unless you’ve got an extra couple
million handy, I figure we’ve all
got about twenty-four hours before
the IRS starts talking prison
again.

DR. ADAMS
I think Phil heard that.

PHIL
I think Phil heard that too. And
Phil doesn’t want to go to prison.

RANDY
Who does?

BUCKY
Not me.
DOUG
Not me.

RANDY
Not me.

DOUG
Not me.

RANDY
Not me.

PHIL
That’s all five of us. So none of
us wants to go to prison.
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 47

RANDY
Who would?

PHIL
I don’t know. Maybe someone who
has friends there.

RANDY
Or someone who likes prison food.

DOUG
I bet some people like the
outfits.

RANDY
But I bet some people don’t.

DOUG
So those people probably wouldn’t
like to go to prison, right?

RANDY
Unless they liked the food more
than they didn’t like the outfits.

DOUG
Do you know if they serve
everybody birthday cake in prison
when someone has a birthday?
Because with all the prisoners
there’s probably about six
birthdays a day.

RANDY
That’s a lot of cake.

DOUG
What if you’re allergic to cake?

RANDY
If I was allergic to cake and I
was in prison and they tried to
make me eat it I wouldn’t.

DOUG
Me either. What could they do to
you?

BUCKY
They could give you a time out and
add it to your sentence.

RANDY *
I never thought of that. *
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 47A

BUCKY *
I did. *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 48

40 INT. SQUIRRELS ROOM - NIGHT 40

They’re all sitting up on their beds, worrying. The

lights are on.

DOUG
What are we going to do?

PHIL
About what?

BUCKY
The situation, silly.

RANDY
You don’t want to go to prison, do
you?

PHIL
No. Do you?

RAND
I don’t either.

BUCKY
I don’t either too.

DOUG
Well, what are we going to do
about it?

RANDY
I don’t know, but we have to do
something. Don’t we?

DOUG
We do.
BUCKY
I agree.

PHIL
I agree too.

BUCKY
Me too.

DOUG
You just agreed.

BUCKY
I know. That’s what I was saying.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 49

DOUG
Well, what are we going to do?

PHIL
About what?

The door bursts open and Mort rushes in. He

instinctively hits the light switch - turning the lights
off.

IN THE DARK...

MORT
Everybody wake up!

PHIL
We’re already all awake.

MORT
If you’re all already awake what
are you doing in the dark?

DOUG
The light was on.

MORT
So, if it was on, why is it off
now?

RANDY
You turned it off.

MORT
Why would I turn it off?

DOUG
I don’t know.
BUCKY
I don’t either.

PHIL
You want to turn it back on?

MORT
I would if I could find it.

PHIL
Would it help if someone turned on
a light?

MORT
If someone turned on the light, I
wouldn’t have to.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 50

RANDY
If you hadn’t turned it off,
nobody would have to.

MORT *
Never mind. I found it. *

Mort turns the light back on. *

SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 51

RANDY *
So, Mort, why did you come in
here?

MORT
It was so long ago I almost don’t
remember.

RANDY
Wanna come back later?

MORT
Don’t tempt me cause if I leave
now, I may never come back. I
came over because think I have a
way to save the day.

RANDY
Save it from what?

MORT
It’s an expression.

RANDY
An expression of what?

MORT
Will somebody please explain to
Randy what “save the day” means.

DOUG
Sure. “Save the Day” means to put
the day away for another day.
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 52
DOUG (CONT'D)
(to Mort)
Anything else?

MORT
No, that about does it.

TIGHT SHOT: SPINNING APPLETONIAN NEWSPAPER

HEADLINE:

SQUIRRELS TO HOLD CONCERT AT LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY

SUBHEAD: OWE THREE MILLION DOLLARS IN BACK TAXES.

41 EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 41

STEVE
As many of you know, last week the
IRS filed a case against the
Squirrels for 50 years of back
taxes amounting to over two and a
half million dollars.

41A EXT. LAWRENCE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY 41A

STUDENTS HANDING OUT FLYERS. Other STUDENTS putting

POSTERS around campus.

41B EXT. APPLETON - DAY 41B

POSTERS going up in various stores.

STEVE (V.O.)
In an effort to settle the case,
and keep the Squirrels out of
prison, their manager Mort
Fishbeck has represented that the
Squirrels are capable of
performing and earning substantial
enough money to pay off their
debt. To that end, Fishbeck has
arranged for a test case
performance to be held next week
here at the Squirrel’s Alma Mater
Lawrence University. Several
questions need to be answered.
After having been frozen for
nearly a half century, will the
Squirrels be able to perform?
Will they be any good? Will they *
be headed for stardom or to *
prison? *
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 53
STEVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Well, we’ll all find out in just a *
matter of days.

EXT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE - DAY *

Mort exits carrying four garment bags and walks down the *
street. *

42 INT. REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY 42

Bucky and the Squirrels are poised to rehearse for the

first time in 50 years. Four garment bags hang on a *
clothes rack. Mort and Dr. Adams are there. *

BUCKY
(haltingly, and off
time.)
And one, two.........three...
four...

On four, they let out with the WORST CACOPHONY of sounds.

Out of rhythm, bad chords and slow or no strumming. Doug
drops his drum sticks - the Squirrels couldn’t be more
awful if they tried.

MORT
Stop, stop, stop and stop.

Mort buries his head in his hands. One by one, they each
drop out and stop playing.

BUCKY
Is there a problem?

DOUG
It was my fault. I dropped my
“what-do-you- call-its.”

PHIL
Hitters.

DR. ADAMS
Drumsticks.

DOUG
Right. You’d think I’d remember
what they’re called.

DR. ADAMS
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I
told you that things will take
time before they return to normal.
Remember?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 53A

DOUG
Sort of. But you’d think I’d
remember what these were called
since I use them to play the what-
do-you call it here.

PHIL
It’s okay. I sometimes can’t
remember what this strum thing is
called.

BUCKY
Mort, other than what’s his name
dropping his things, how did we
sound?

RANDY
Yeah, how did we sound?

MORT
You want the truth?

DOUG
I don’t know. Do we?

MORT
Because if you want the truth,
I’ll tell you the truth.

Dr. Adams quickly moves to Mort and takes him aside.

They have a LONG ANIMATED CONVERSATION. Mort is clearly
frustrated as Dr. Adams tries to calm him down - which
she eventually does.

They both walk back to where the Squirrels are waiting.

MORT (CONT’D)
The truth. I can honestly say...
that for you guys to pick up your
instruments and play like that --
after all this time - well... I’m
stunned.

PHIL
That good? I thought we were a
little, you know, not good.

MORT
I’ve never lied to you so I’m
being perfectly honest here. I
think you need to practice. Trust
me, you can only get better.

DOUG
I’ll be better if I don’t drop my
what-do-you-call-its so much.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 53B

MORT
Absolutely. Okay, all let’s try
it again - and this time don’t
stop until I tell you to.

BUCKY
(again, haltingly and
off time.)
And one.....two.....three...
four...

On four, they let out with another CACOPHONY of sounds;

out of rhythm, bad chords, Doug drops his sticks again.

DR. ADAMS
(aside to Mort)
What do you think?

MORT
(aside to Dr. Adams)
I think they’re going to prison.
(as he gets up, to
Squirrels)
Keep going. Practice makes
perfect. I’m just going to go
take a leak -
(to Dr. Adams) *
-- which’ll be a lot more
entertaining than what they’re
doing.

DR. ADAMS
Hold on, I’ll go with you.

Mort shoots her a look.

DR. ADAMS (CONT’D)

You know what I mean.

Mort and Dr. Adams exit to the hallway.

43 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY 43

A sign on the rehearsal room door reads; CLOSED

REHEARSAL. In the B.G, we hear THE DREADFUL REHEARSAL.

As Mort and Dr. Adams exit, Steve approaches them.

During the interview, both Steve struggle not to cringe
at the dissonance.

STEVE
Dr. Adams, how would you assess
the Squirrels’ progress to date?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 56

DR. ADAMS
I’m not qualified to comment on
their performance skills. *

STEVE *
Mr. Fishbeck, from here it seems
as though the group is having a
tough go of it.

MORT
Really? That shows how little you
know. And what little you know -
you know even less. For your
information, they’re saving
themselves for the concert. Now
if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to
take a leak.

DR. ADAMS
Me too.

STEVE
(INTO CAMERA)
Well, from this reporter’s
perspective, if this upcoming
concert proves to be the failure
it seems destined to be - to quote
a Beatles’ lyric - the Squirrels
will be given “a one way ticket to
ride” and that ride is going to
take them straight to prison.

44 INT. STANSBURY THEATRE HALLWAY - NIGHT 44

ON SCREEN: OPENING NIGHT.

In the B.G. are STAGEHANDS, COSTUMERS, the SOUND ENGINEER
and AUDIO PEOPLE. TWO IRS AGENTS, in their typical black
suits, have planted themselves in the wings. One is
checking out his handcuffs. *

STEVE
We’re inside the Stansbury Theatre *
at Lawrence University just
minutes away from the much
anticipated Squirrels’ concert.

Steve moves into the audience and approaches a HUSBAND

AND WIFE in about to take their seats in front. *

STEVE(CONT’D)
Excuse me, Steve Schmidt, Appleton
News. Can you tell me what
brought you here to see the
Squirrels tonight?
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 55

WIFE
I’m giving away my age, but I
dated Bucky back here in college.

HUSBAND
She still has a scar from where he
gave her a hickey. Show ‘em
honey.

His wife playfully pushes him.

HUSBAND (CONT’D)
What?

WIFE
(sotto)
Now that’s going to be on the
news.

Steve moves to a FEMALE STUDENT.

STEVE
And you?

Catching her by surprise.

FEMALE STUDENT
Me?

STEVE
Yes, you. Why did you come to see
the Squirrels?

FEMALE STUDENT
Oh, god! Well, okay, well, I
guess I just kinda thought it’d be
cool to see people up close who’ve
been frozen and brought back to
life. And okay, and I’ve got this
sort of crush on Phil. I mean,
it’s so crazy. I mean, if he
hadn’t been frozen, which he was,
he’d be as old as my grandfather,
which he is. Yay, Lawrence!!
That’s not my grandfather, that’s
the school here. I’m so nervous.
Hi mom! Oh, god!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
If you would kindly turn off your
cell phones and all recording
devices...

THE HOUSE LIGHTS DIM AS LIGHTS FLASH across the audience

and onto the darkened stage. The AUDIENCE CHEERS.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 56

STEVE
Well, here it is. The moment of
truth.

The CHEERS continue through the following announcement.

ANNOUNCER V/O
We are proud to present, for the
first time in half a century, the
Appleton and Lawrence University’s *
own -- Let’s hear it for -- “Bucky
and the Squirrels....”

In the dark, a pool of light reveals Bucky and the

Squirrels.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS *

THERE'S A BRAND NEW DANCE THAT'S
MAKIN' NEWS
OOH AHH OOH *
SO COME ON, PUT ON YOUR DANCIN'
SHOES
OOH AHH OOH *

DON'T BE SHY, GIVE IT A WHIRL

GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL,
SHAKE YOUR TAIL -
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL

And while they’re somewhat stiff, remarkably they sound

as good as they ever did.

However, what the audience doesn’t know is that the

Squirrels are MIMING TO THEIR ORIGINAL HIT TRACK NOW ON A
PRE-RECORDED CD. And although they look awkward, from
several rows back their performance is believable - sort
of.
STEVE - impressed by the Squirrel’s ability to perform.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT’D)

TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT *
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL *
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL

While the song sounds fine, the audience misses the *

performance energy. But the audience is forgiving
considering what the Squirrels have been through.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT’D)

GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 57
BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT’D)
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
COME DANCE WITH ME
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

LOOKIN' OH SO FINE WHEN WE HIT THE *

FLOOR
OOH AHH OOH *
DO IT ONCE, YOU'LL WANNA DO IT
MORE
OOH AHH OOH *
MOVE YOUR HIPS, TWIST AND TWIRL
GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL
SHAKE YOUR TAIL -
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL

It’s time for Randy to break out and do the Squirrel

dance, but instead he continues to play his guitar and
sing.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS (CONT’D)

TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT *
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL
*
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL

The audience impatiently chants. *

AUDIENCE
Do the dance! Do the squirrel! *
C’mon Randy, dance! *

Randy stays put.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS
GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
COME DANCE WITH ME
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

STEVE - IN THE WINGS.

STEVE
I’m not quite sure what’s going
on. Not only has Randy skipped *
doing the Squirrel Dance, from our *
angle it looks like the drummer,
Doug Wilson, has his drumsticks
taped to his hands.
(MORE)
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 58
STEVE (CONT'D)
However, we’re not allowed to get
close enough to confirm this.

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS

FROM MAINE TO CALIFORNIA *
THEY'RE SQUIRRELIN' IN THE STREET
SQUIRRELIN' DOWN THE AVENUE
EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
EVERYONE YOU MEET
IS GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL WITH YOU

The frustrated audience continues to CHANT FOR RANDY TO

DANCE.

AUDIENCE
Do the Squirrel dance! Randy
dance! Randy dance! Randy dance!

The band members shoot each other looks. Randy feels

compelled to get up and dance - which he does. Or tries
to do.

Randy clumsily moves across the stage doing a labored and

uninspired Squirrel dance. The audience BOOS!

BUCKY AND THE SQUIRRELS *

TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT
DO THE SQUIRREL
*
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH
DO THE SQUIRREL

As Randy struggles to do a performance, he accidentally *

KICKS THE POWER CORD to the speakers hidden behind the
instruments and THE MUSIC STOPS. The ruse is exposed.
The audience quickly begins ANGRILY COMPLAINING.

Mort and Dr. Adams rush on stage. *

MORT
We gotta get you guys out of here. *

DR. ADAMS
Mort’s right.

Mort and Dr. Adams try to move the Squirrels off stage,
but Doug’s resistant.

DOUG
No.

MORT
What do you mean, no? C’mon!
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 59

Mort and Dr. Adams drag the Squirrels offstage. The

Audience is furious.

STEVE - IN THE WINGS

STEVE
Unfortunately, I was afraid of
something like this. These young
men weren’t remotely ready to
perform. And to be honest, I’m
not convinced they ever will be.

ANGLE: IN THE WINGS

DOUG
Mort, we can’t just walk out.

MORT
Doug, listen to me. You have no
choice. Look at the audience.
They’re ready to eat you alive.

BUCKY
Can you blame ‘em? They were
expecting a show and we totally
let them down.

RANDY
Doug’s right. We can’t leave. We
promised them a show.

PHIL
Mort, after all we’ve been
through, walking away would be
giving up. And we’ve never given
up, have we? That’s what you
taught us.
DOUG
We’ll never have another chance
like this.

BUCKY
Especially if we’re in prison.

DR. ADAMS
Guys, listen to yourselves.

PHIL
We know what you’re going to say.
But we can’t just walk out.

DR. ADAMS
No, I mean listen to yourselves -
you’re all talking and moving
normally again.
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 60

And they are! The realization strikes everybody.

PHIL
My god, you’re right.
(to others)
She’s right.

MORT
I don’t get it. What’s going on?

DR. ADAMS
I’m guessing that the stress of
everything shocked their systems
and somehow everything fell back
into place.

BUCKY
Well, whatever it is, we’ll figure
it out later. I don’t know about
the rest of you, but I’m going
back out there.

RANDY
Not by yourself, you’re not.

MORT
You guys are going to make me cry
here.

THE SQUIRRELS RUSH BACK ON STAGE. The audience is

pissed. Through the CATCALLS...

Bucky snatches the hand held mike away from the

Announcer...

BUCKY
(into mike)
I’m Bucky. *

He carries the mike over to Randy.

RANDY
And I’m Randy...

Randy strums a chord.

PHIL
I’m Phil.

Phil strums a chord.

DOUG
And I’m Doug...

Doug sits at his drums.

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 61

BUCKY
And we’re...

THE SQUIRRELS
(in unison with
gusto)
Bucky and the Squirrels!

BUCKY
Anybody feel like kicking it up a
notch?

RANDY
I was hoping you’d say that.

PHIL
And I was hoping you’d say that.

DOUG
Turn me loose.

DOUG TEARS THE GAFFER’S TAPE OFF HIS HANDS - and begins
TWIRLING HIS DRUM STICKS. *

Bucky strums his guitar a la Stevie Ray Vaughn and the *

Squirrels launch into an amazingly funky rendition of “Do *
the Squirrel.” It’s like the old days - only better - *
and they know it. And the audience knows it too. *

BUCKY *
WELL THERE'S A BRAND NEW DANCE *
THAT'S MAKIN' NEWS *

THE SQUIRRELS *
OOH AHH OOH *

BUCKY *
SO COME ON, GET YOUR DANCIN' SHOES *

THE SQUIRRELS *
OOH AHH OOH *

RANDY *
DON'T BE SHY, GIVE IT A WHIRL
GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL, *

BUCKY AND RANDY *

SHAY-AY-AKE YOUR TAIL - *

THE SQUIRRELS *
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL *

PHIL *
TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 62

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQUIRREL

PHIL *
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH *
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH *

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQUIRREL

DOUG *
GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
ONE, TWO, THREE
COME DANCE WITH ME

THE SQUIRRELS *
AND DO THE SQUIRREL

BUCKY *
LOOKIN' OH SO FINE WHEN WE HIT THE *
FLOOR *

THE SQUIRRELS *
OOH AHH OOH *

BUCKY *
DO IT ONCE, YOU'LL WANNA TO DO IT *
SOME MORE *

THE SQUIRRELS *
OOH AHH OOH *

RANDY *
MOVE YOUR HIPS, TWIST AND TWIRL
GRAB YOUR GUY, GRAB YOUR GIRL

BUCKY AND RANDY *

SHAY-AY-AKE YOUR TAIL - *

THE SQUIRRELS *
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL

Randy goes into a full on “Squirrel Dance” which drives *

the crowd wild. *

ANGLE: THE AUDIENCE *

They’re doing “the Squirrel” along with Randy. *

 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 63

PHIL *
YEAH-HAH *
TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQUIRREL

PHIL *
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQU-A-A-IRREL *

ANGLE: STEVE *

STEVE *
I wouldn’t believe this if I *
hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. *

Dr. Adams and Mort look over to the two IRS AGENTS who *
are now DANCING THE SQUIRREL. Everybody is out of the
woods. *

Bucky gestures to Mort and Dr. Adams to join them on *

stage to do “The Squirrel.” Mort and Dr. Adams grab the *
IRS agents and pull them on stage with them, as they all *
do “The Squirrel.” *

DOUG *
GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
COME ON DANCE WITH ME *
THE SQUIRRELS *
AND BABY DO THE SQUIRREL *

BUCKY *
FROM MAINE TO CALIFORNIA *
THEY'RE SQUIRRELIN' IN THE STREET
SQUIRRELIN' DOWN THE AVENUE-UE *

RANDY *
EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
EVERYONE YOU MEET
IS GONNA DO THE SQUIRREL WITH YOU *

PHIL *
TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT
YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQUIRREL *
SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 64

PHIL *
MOVE IT BACK, MOVE IT FORTH
TO THE SOUTH, TO THE NORTH

THE SQUIRRELS *
DO THE SQUIRREL
*

DOUG *
A-GROOVE TO THE RHYTHM *
LET YOUR FEET GET TO IT
FEEL THE BEAT
ANYONE CAN DO IT
COME DANCE WITH ME *

THE SQUIRRELS *
AND BABY DO THE SQUIRREL *

BUCKY *
OH, COME ON... *
THEY SQUIRREL IN AUSTIN, *
IN PHILLY, P.A.
FROM UP IN ALASKA
TO MONTERREY

PHIL *
THEY SQUIRREL IN CHICAGO.
IN SANTA FE
FROM OUT IN TACOMA
TO TAMPA BAY

DOUG *
IN DE-TROIT CITY *
BOISE, IDAHO
FROM JERSEY TO SAINT PAUL *
WHEREVER YOU GO
RANDY *
APPLETON, WISCONSIN
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE
EVERYBODY'S SQUIRRELIN'

THE SQUIRRELS *
COME SQUIRREL WITH ME *

BUCKY *
A-COME ON, HEY HEY, *
COME SQUIRREL WITH ME. *

DOUG *
WHOO... *
SQUIRRELIN’ ON THE GROUND *
OR UP IN A TREE *
 SQUIRRELS 9/15/13 - 9PM REVISED BLUE DRAFT 65

RANDY *
EVERYBODY’S SQUIRRELIN’ *
COME SQUIRREL WITH ME *

PHIL *
A-COME SQUIRREL *
YEAH SQUIRREL... *

The Squirrels finish their performance to outright *

PANDEMONIUM.

FADE OUT *

THE END