THE BIG BANG THEORY

"The Dramatization Culmination"

written by

Dan Maltbie

8010 Pleasant Grove Rd DRAFT NAME

Albertville, AL 35950 04/29/2017
256-388-9675
 COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

(Penny, Bernadette)

A DISHEVELED PENNY ENTERS FROM HER CAR WITH A SAMPLE CASE AND
A STACK OF BOXES. AN ODD SHAPED BOX ON THE TOP WOBBLES
PRECARIOUSLY. BERNADETTE ENTERS FROM THE ELEVATOR CARRYING
HER SATCHEL.

BERNADETTE

Penny, do you need a break? You look

exhausted.

PENNY

I can’t take a break now. I chugged

three five hour energies, so I’m good

for the next... Fifteen hours.

BERNADETTE

You must be alert, that was right. Why

don’t you go home? Leonard said you

had canceled dinner with him three

times this week.

PENNY

He must be so upset with me. I could

go for some Netflix and a bottle.

BERNADETTE

Just a bottle?

PENNY

No, not really. Wine and Five-Hour

Energy drinks don’t mix well.

(MORE)
"Episode Title" 2.

PENNY (CONT'D)

It’s hard to pass out with your heart

beating out of your chest.

PENNY MOVES THE CASE AND THE BOXES TUMBLE TO THE GROUND. SHE
STOMPS ONE OF THE BOXES BEFORE PLACING IT ON THE STACK.

BERNADETTE

Would it help if I told you Serial

Apeist was trending on Reddit?

PENNY

The dumb monkey movie I was in?

BERNADETTE

It’s found a niche, and you know how

these fanboys are.

PENNY

Great. Now a whole new generation of

geeks gets to see my rack.

BERNADETTE TAKES HER TABLET FROM HER SATCHEL AND SHOWS IT TO

PENNY.

BERNADETTE

This is pretty serious. There’s even a

page dedicated to it.

PENNY

A misunderstood masterpiece. A cult

classic? It was me in a gorilla suit

yelling OOGA-BOOGA!

BERNADETTE

It’s creating quite a buzz. Have you

thought about acting on the side?

"Episode Title" 3.

PENNY

I make good money here. That would be

a step back. Oh my god! I sound just

like Leonard!

FADE OUT.
"Episode Title" 4.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APT. - NIGHT

(Leonard, Sheldon, Koothrapali, Wolowitz, Bernadette, Penny
and Amy)

LEONARD HANDS TAKEOUT BOXES OF CHINESE FOOD TO THE GROUP.

SHELDON SITS IN HIS SPOT BY AMY. BERNADETTE SITS ON THE EDGE
OF THE SOFA PEEKING INSIDE THE STROLLER. WOLOWITZ LOUNGES ON
THE FLOOR NEXT TO KOOTHRAPALI.

SHELDON

Did you know that Chopsticks

originated in China during the Shang

dynasty around fifteen hundred AD?

WOLOWITZ

Hooray! Another one of Sheldon’s

‘gather round and I’ll bore you to

death’ speeches.

AMY

I enjoy his dinner small talk. It’s

whimsical and enlightening, like NPR.

SHELDON

Thank you, Amy. FYI, that’s also how I

describe our first sexual encounter.

HOWARD

Oh! I’m gonna vomit.

HOWARD BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS SLEEVE.

BERNADETTE

Leonard, when will Penny be home?

"Episode Title" 5.

LEONARD

She had some late appointments and

wasn’t sure when she’d be home.

SHELDON

When Amy and I left for work this

morning, she was punching boxes in the

trunk of her car.

BERNADETTE

When I saw her today, she was pretty

frazzled.

PENNY ENTERS DRAGGING THE SAMPLE CASE, MINUS ONE WHEEL. SHE
CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN IN SILENCE, REMOVES THE CORK FROM THE
WINE AND POURS HALF A GLASS. SHE SETS THE BOTTLE ON THE
ISLAND AND DRINKS.

LEONARD

Are you OK?

PENNY

I’ll be fine. Once I finish this

glass... Bottle.

PENNY TAKES A LONG DRINK FROM THE GLASS. PENNY’S CELLPHONE

RINGS AND SHE REMOVES II FROM HER PURSE.

PENNY (CONT’D)

It’s my agent!

KOOTHRAPALI

Answer it!

PENNY EXITS TO THE BEDROOMS.

"Episode Title" 6.

SHELDON

Who knows what poor character will

have the displeasure of being played

by the worst waitress in the history

of the Cheesecake Factory.

KOOTHRAPALI

Apparently, she has some heat from her

work on Apeist.

AMY

I think it’s good for Penny to have a

dream. She’s working too hard.

SHELDON

What do you think Leonard? Does Penny

have any shot at making it in

Hollywood, or is she such a bad

actress that you want to gouge your

eyes out and set your ears on fire?

PENNY ENTERS CARRYING THE BOTTLE AND HER CELL PHONE.

LEONARD

I don’t think it’s the best idea to

divide up her time. With her company

downsizing, it’s important that she

makes herself an invaluable asset.

PENNY

What about what I think?

LEONARD PLACES HIS FOOD ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND MEETS PENNY
IN THE KITCHEN.
"Episode Title" 7.

PENNY (CONT’D)

It isn’t some life-altering job. It’s

a weekend shoot down at the beach.

LEONARD

Your work is so hectic right now, are

you sure it’s the best time to do

this? Besides, how long did it take to

get over your last rejection? Do you

want to go through that again.

PENNY

Leonard, I moved out here to be an

actress. I’ve lived with rejection. It

was important to me.

LEONARD

Why don’t we just sleep on this?

PENNY

You can sleep on it. I’m going.

PENNY EXITS.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 8.

SCENE B

INT. STEWART’S COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

(Sheldon, Leonard, Koothrapali, Wolowitz and Stuart)

SHELDON AND LEONARD BROWSE LONG BOXES OF COMICS. KOOTHRAPALI

AND WOLOWITZ INSPECT A ROW OF ACTION FIGURES. STUART BUSIES
HIMSELF BEHIND THE COUNTER STACKING AND PRICING ISSUES.

KOOTHRAPALI

Just think about it. Batman. Superman.

Captain Marvel. The Atom. I could go

on for days.

SHELDON

I find this totally unacceptable.

WOLOWITZ

It’s not like it’s their favorite past

time.

SHELDON

It’s an abomination is what it is.

LEONARD

Come on, you can’t seriously believe

that all our heroes are underwear

fetishists.

KOOTHRAPALI

Give me one good reason why their

uniforms always have the underwear on

the outside!
"Episode Title" 9.

WOLOWITZ

It’s a fashion thing. Like shoulder

pads on jackets or jeans with holes

already in them.

KOOTHRAPALI

If I’m a superhero, I think I would

have enough decency to cover up my

sweaty crotch.

WOLOWITZ

Decency? Have you seen some of their

outfits? It’s hard to tell if they’re

heroes or Chippendales.

LEONARD

Imagine the courage it took to be the

first hero to do it.

LEONARD PUTS HIS FISTS ON HIS HIPS IN A SUPERHERO POSE.

LEONARD (CONT’D)

I was in such a hurry to distribute

justice I put my whitey tighties on

the outside.

SHELDON

Wrong as usual. They are ‘trunks’ not

‘underwear’. Can’t you three realize

how important that piece of clothing

is?

(MORE)
"Episode Title" 10.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

The trunks not only break up the

monotonous color scheme, but they also

provide a means for a belt and all the

gadgets it provides. Without those

trunks, you have no cool hero gadgets.

Without that they’re just some nut

jumping around in a solid colored

unitard.

KOOTHRAPALI, WOLOWITZ AND LEONARD NOD IN AGREEMENT.

KOOTHRAPALI

I’m still not displaying my family

jewels in a skin tight costume.

WOLOWITZ

Maybe that’s your super power! Scaring

away criminals with your sweaty

jewels.

STUART PASSES BY CARRYING A BOX.

STUART

Hey guys! You heading out to the Alta

Dena-Con this weekend?

WOLOWITZ

Yes!

LEONARD

Got my passes today.

KOOTHRAPALI

I can’t afford it.

"Episode Title" 11.

SHELDON

No, Amy and I are bound by the

relationship agreement to have one

outdoor activity a year.

WOLOWITZ

How romantic. Mandated outings.

SHELDON ROLLS HIS EYES.

SHELDON

You’re telling me. You have coitus

with a woman a few times, and she

thinks she has ownership.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 12.

SCENE C

INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APT. - BATHROOM - MORNING

(Leonard, Penny)

LEONARD AND PENNY BRUSH THEIR TEETH IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.

LEONARD

Busy day today?

PENNY

I have fourteen appointments booked

and only eight hours to do them in.

So, I’m in a hurry.

LEONARD

Listen, about last night. Are you

still considering going to the

audition?

PENNY

I am.

PENNY VIGOROUSLY BRUSHES HER TEETH.

PENNY (CONT’D)

What, is it going to ‘ruin our lives’?

PENNY EXITS.

LEONARD

Penny, that’s not what I meant.

INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APT. - KITCHEN

(Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy)

LEONARD ENTERS DRYING HIS HANDS WITH A TOWEL. PENNY LOOKS IN

THE REFRIGERATOR AND PULLS OUT EGGS AND MILK.

LEONARD

Penny, it seems like this is something

that you are....

"Episode Title" 13.

PENNY SMASHES EGGS IN A PAN.

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Intense about. I just want you to

understand me. I think these chances

make you feel bad. To go back to the

Cheesecake factory would be something

you might not recover from.

PENNY

Might not recover from? You’re

treating this like it’s an incurable

disease. It’s a weekend acting job,

not hepatitis.

LEONARD

Penny, why are you doing this? What am

I not giving you?

PENNY CROSSES THE ROOM AND HUGS LEONARD.

PENNY

Since I was young, I’ve always wanted

to be an actress. I used to stand on

my parents coffee table with a

hairbrush and sing all the words in

Grease.

PENNY RELEASES LEONARD.

PENNY (CONT’D)

I still have that dream. If I turn

this down, I might be like I’m turning

down my chance at my dream.

"Episode Title" 14.

LEONARD

I wondered who had been leaving

footprints on the coffee table!

PENNY

I have to make this one last attempt.

Just to see if I can.

LEONARD

Penny, have you thought about how you

would feel if you got rejected again?

If you do this, I’m not sure you’ll

make it back.

PENNY

Leonard, you’re my husband. You should

support me.

SHELDON

(THREE KNOCKS) Leonard and Penny...

(THREE KNOCKS) Leonard and Penny...

(THREE KNOCKS) Leonard and Penny...

LEONARD OPENS THE DOOR, SHELDON AND AMY ENTER. SHELDON HAS ON
A BLAZE ORANGE PONCHO AND CARRIES A HEFTY STACK OF PAPERS.
AMY IS DRESSED READY FOR A SAFARI, COMPLETE WITH PITH HELMET.

PENNY

Looking good, Amy!

SHELDON

Oh please! Don’t encourage her.

SHELDON HANDS THE STACK OF PAPERS AND A THUMB DRIVE TO

LEONARD.

LEONARD

What’s this?
"Episode Title" 15.

SHELDON

This? Is my last will and testament,

and some segments from my journal, for

when you produce my memoirs.

LEONARD

Your memoirs?

SHELDON

Yes. Amy found a loophole in the

relationship agreement forcing me to

spend the night in some moldy cabin in

the woods.

PENNY

Sounds romantic.

SHELDON

Sounds like a horror movie to me. Next

thing you know I’ll be covered in a

blanket giving my statement to the

authorities.

AMY

What makes you think you’d survive and

I wouldn’t?

SHELDON SNICKERS AND BUMPS AMY ON THE SHOULDER.

SHELDON

Oh! We both know the dumb characters

go first.
"Episode Title" 16.

AMY

Keep that up and they may find your

body by the highway.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 17.

SCENE D

INT. DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY

(Penny, Doctor)

PENNY STANDS WITH HER SAMPLES CASE IN AN UPSCALE DOCTOR’S

OFFICE. STAR WARS COLLECTIBLES COVER THE OFFICE WALLS.

THE DOCTOR ENTERS DRESSED IN SCRUBS ADORNED TO LOOK LIKE AN

IMPERIAL UNIFORM. HE MOVES TO THE DESK ACKNOWLEDGING PENNY
AND SHUFFLES PAPERS.

PENNY

Nice scrubs, Doc. Or should I say,

Commander?

THE DOCTOR STOPS AND STARES TOWARD PENNY.

DOCTOR

You know Star Wars?

PENNY

Oh, no. My husband, he has costumes

and everything.

DOCTOR

Is he a collector?

PENNY

If you ask him, yes. If you ask me, we

are one sequel movie away from an

episode of Hoarders.

DOCTOR

What can I do for you today?

PENNY

I’m here today to talk with you about

our new products.

"Episode Title" 18.

PENNY PULLS SAMPLES FROM HER STACK AND PLACES THEM ON HIS
DESK.

DOCTOR

Wow.

PENNY

I know, impressive, right?

THE DOCTOR RESUMES SHUFFLING PAPERS BEFORE MAKING EYE CONTACT

WITH PENNY.

DOCTOR

Is there something going on outside of

work? Your appearance is...

HE TAKES A QUICK GLANCE AT PENNY BEFORE RUMMAGING AROUND IN

HIS DESK.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

Less than optimal.

PENNY

Well, I’ve been going through so much

at work, and I got an audition for a

low budget short film.

DOCTOR

So you’re an actress?

PENNY

That’s why I moved out here years ago.

DOCTOR

But you’re here selling drugs...

PENNY

I took this job when all my acting

prospects were gone.

"Episode Title" 19.

DOCTOR

When I moved out here, I was a mold

maker. I made the plastic molds that

produced some of the characters you

see on these walls.

PENNY

What happened?

DOCTOR

I met an amazing woman. She pushed me

to become a doctor. Or I would be

selling action figures at the swap

meet. Now we have a life I never knew

I wanted.

PENNY

Give it to me straight, Doc. What the

hell are you trying to say?

DOCTOR

I had dreams of designing toys and

models, but I ended up here. I keep

these on my wall to remind me. New

dreams are built on the foundations of

old dreams.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 20.

SCENE E

EXT. CAMPGROUND - MORNING

(Sheldon, Amy)

AMY ENTERS WEARING LARGE HIKING BOOTS AND RUCKSACK. SHE

SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AS SHE STRIDES ONTO THE MANICURED LAWN.

AMY

Oh, Sheldon! Isn’t it beautiful.

A TINY HOUSE WITH AN OFF WHITE PORCH AND A TIN ROOF OCCUPIES
THE OPEN AREA. IN FRONT, A PAIR OF ADIRONDACK CHAIRS FLANK A
SHINY FIRE PIT. A LARGE BLANKET RESTS UNDER A SKYWARD
POINTING TELESCOPE.

SHELDON ENTERS HEAVING AND PUFFING WITH EXASPERATION. ON HIS

HEAD AN OVERLARGE HAT OBSCURES A BREATHING MASK AND GOGGLES.
HE ATTEMPTS SEVERAL TIMES TO STAND UPRIGHT BUT EACH TIME
DOUBLES OVER.

AMY GRABS SHELDON BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM TOWARDS THE HOUSE.

SHELDON

Where has this Bataan death march lead

us?

AMY

Oh, suck it up you big baby!

SHELDON COLLAPSES INTO A CHAIR. HE REMOVES THE HAT, GOGGLES,

AND MASK BEFORE SPRAYING THE AIR WITH AN IMMENSE CAN OF BUG
SPRAY

SHELDON

The bugs, Amy. I’m like a filet mignon

to a mosquito. They’ll drink me dry

out here.

AMY PULLS A RED BRACELET FROM HER PACK AND WRAPS IT AROUND
SHELDON’S WRIST.
"Episode Title" 21.

AMY

That wrist band has high deposits of

citronella in it. The mosquitoes won’t

come near you now.

SHELDON ASSUMES A REGULAR SEATED POSITION.

SHELDON

How am I supposed to stream the new

season of Iron Fist, Amy?

AMY REMOVES HER IPAD AND TAPS THE SCREEN A FEW TIMES BEFORE
HANDING IT TO SHELDON.

AMY

The entire campground has wifi and

electricity powered by solar panels.

AMY STANDS AND FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE FIRE PIT, WHICH

PRODUCES A TINY FLAME FROM IT’S CENTER.

SHELDON SITS UP AND SMILES BROADLY. BEFORE SLOUCHING BACK

DOWN IN EXASPERATION.

SHELDON

You thought of everything, very well.

AMY

Just give it a chance Sheldon. Tonight

we can use the telescope and look at

the stars.

SHELDON

I’ll never understand your need to get

out into the pollen filled wilds and

poke nature with a stick.

"Episode Title" 22.

AMY

Some neurobiology studies show that

spending time in the wild resets your

internal clock.

SHELDON

Nothing resets the old internal

timepiece like wiping your hind parts

with poison ivy.

AMY OPENS HER RUCKSACK AND WORKS WITH HER BACK TO SHELDON.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 23.

SCENE F
INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APT. - NIGHT
(LEONARD, PENNY, KOOTHRAPALI)

PENNY ENTERS CARRYING A BOTTLE OF WINE AND HER SAMPLE CASE.

LEONARD WORKS ON A PROBLEM AT HIS WHITE BOARD. KOOTHRAPALI IS
PLAYING A GAME ON AN XBOX.

LEONARD

Penny, how was work?

PENNY

It wasn’t as bad today. I gave away a

butt load of medication to a Star Wars

geek today.

LEONARD

That’s great!

KOOTHRAPALI

Good for you!

PENNY

Yeah, I can snatch those geeks money

like their childhood bullies used to.

LEONARD CLOSES HIS MARKER AND PLACES IT ON THE LIP OF THE

WHITEBOARD. BEFORE MOVING TO THE KITCHEN TO SNAG A WATER.

LEONARD

What were you thinking about dinner

tonight?

PENNY

Well, I was thinking that Raj and I

could go over my lines.

KOOTHRAPALI SWITCHES OFF THE XBOX, PLACES THE CONTROLLER ON

THE DESK AND RETURNS WITH A NOTEBOOK.
"Episode Title" 24.

KOOTHRAPALI

I have them here whenever you are

ready.

LEONARD TURNS TO PENNY.

LEONARD

Are you still one hundred percent sure

that you want to do this?

PENNY SWIGS FROM HER WINE GLASS.

PENNY

What do you think?

PENNY MOVES TO THE COUCH WITH KOOTHRAPALI. THEY BEGIN TO RUN

OVER LINES FOR THE MOVIE. LEONARD GRABS HIS KEYS AND LOOKS
BACK LONGINGLY BEFORE HE EXITS THE APARTMENT.

END ACT ONE

FADE OUT:
"Episode Title" 25.

ACT TWO

SCENE G

FADE IN:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE LOBBY - DAY

(Penny, Alicia, Nurse)

PENNY ENTERS TOWING HER SAMPLE CASE. ALICIA, EARLY 30’S SITS
WITH HER BACK TO THE WALL.

ALICIA

Penny? Is that you?

PENNY

Alicia? Oh my god, how are you? I

haven’t seen you since...

ALICIA

I moved out of your building.

PENNY

That’s right. How are things going.

ALICIA

Fabulous! I just landed a recurring

role as a prostitute on Westworld.

PENNY RECOILS AND TAKES THE SEAT NEXT TO ALICIA.

PENNY

Oh wow! That’s... accurate.

ALICIA

So, what’s going on with you? I see

you have ring on your finger.

ALICIA REACHES OUT AND GRABS PENNY’S HAND TO TAKE A LOOK AT

THE RING.
"Episode Title" 26.

PENNY

Yeah, I’ve been married for a year

now.

ALICIA

I’m so happy for you...

ALICIA BREAKS DOWN INTO HEAVING SOBS.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

I’m sorry! I lied. Everything is

horrible!

ALICIA WAILS. PENNY LOOKS AROUND THE LOBBY FOR ONLOOKERS.

PENNY PULLS TWO TISSUES FROM A NEARBY BOX AND HANDS THEM TO
ALICIA. ALICIA BLOWS HER NOSE LOUDLY.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

My boyfriend cheated on me! He shacked

up with a serving wench from Game of

Thrones!

ALICIA BELLOWS BEFORE BLOWING HER NOSE INTO THE TISSUE. PENNY
LOOKS AGHAST.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

And I read some nerd on Reddit thought

I was the worst actress he’d ever

seen!

PENNY

Is that so?

ALICIA

What do those losers on Reddit think

they know about acting?

"Episode Title" 27.

PENNY

They have good insight sometimes.

ALICIA

Insight? Ninety percent of the

comments are about my boobs. How’s

that for insight.

ALICIA STRAIGHTENS HERSELF AND FORCES A SMILE.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

In this business even when you are up

you are down. I wished I would have

gotten out when you did.

A NURSE STICKS HER HEAD THROUGH THE DOOR.

NURSE

Mrs. Hoffstader? The doctor will see

you now.

PENNY STANDS AND GRABS HER CASE BEFORE WHEELING IT TOWARDS

THE DOORWAY.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 28.

SCENE H

INT. WOLOWITZ AND BERNADETTE’S HOUSE - DAY

BERNADETTE ENTERS DRESSED IN A SUPERGIRL OUTFIT. SHE ADJUSTS

HER CAPE AND HAIR IN THE MIRROR

BERNADETTE

Howie! We’re going to be late. What’s

taking you so long.

WOLOWITZ ENTERS WEARING A SOLID ORANGE BODYSUIT WITH A PAIR

OF BERNADETTE’S PANTIES ON THE OUTSIDE.

BERNADETTE (CONT’D)

What in the hell has gotten in to you?

WOLOWITZ

It’s an inside joke. Raj was saying

all superheroes are underwear

fetishists, and I think this is a

great costume.

WOLOWITZ NUDGES BERNADETTE AWAY FROM THE MIRROR AND CHECKS

OUT HIS BUTT IN THE MIRROR.

BERNADETTE

I don’t think this is a good idea.

People won’t get the joke. You’ll just

be some weirdo in his wife’s panties

WOLOWITZ

These aren’t your panties. Yours were

too big.

HOWARD CONTINUES TO POSE AND CHECK HIMSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR.

BERNADETTE GRABS HOWARD BY THE ARM.

"Episode Title" 29.

BERNADETTE

What do you mean, too big?

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 30.

SCENE K

EXT. CAMPGROUND - NIGHT

(Amy, Sheldon)

AMY ROASTS MARSHMALLOWS OVER THE FIRE WHILE SHELDON LOOKS

THROUGH THE TELESCOPE.

AMY

Aren’t the stars fantastic, Sheldon?

SHELDON

A night like this kind of makes you

forget that we’re surrounded by enough

wildlife and disease to kill us in

seconds.

AMY HANDS SHELDON A MARSHMALLOW ON A STICK. SHELDON PLACES

THE MARSHMALLOW OVER THE FIRE AND EXHALES SHARPLY.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

I’ll have to admit; I was skeptical

about this outing. But, you seem to

have provided the answer to all my

problems.

AMY

There’s no signs of wildlife, Sheldon.

Much less something that would kill

us.

THE BUSHES TO THE LEFT SHIVER AND SHAKE. SHELDON JUMPS FROM
HIS CHAIR ONTO AMY’S LAP.

SHELDON

Ahhhh!

A RACCOON ENTERS THROUGH THE OPENING IN THE BUSHES.

"Episode Title" 31.

AMY AND SHELDON SPRING FROM THE CHAIR AND DASH INTO THE TINY
HOUSE, SLAMMING THE DOOR. THEY BOTH PEEK OUT FROM BEHIND THE
WINDOW.

THE RACCOON CLIMBS ONTO SHELDON’S SEAT AND MUNCHES ON THE

MARSHMALLOW.

INT. TINY HOUSE - NIGHT

SHELDON

Hey! He’s in my spot.

END ACT TWO

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 32.

SCENE M

EXT. CAMPGROUND - LATER

(Sheldon, Amy)

SHELDON PEEKS OUT OF THE WINDOW INTO THE OPEN AREA WHERE THE
RACCOON MUNCHES ON MARSHMALLOWS.

AMY ENTERS FROM THE TINY HOUSE. SHE IS COVERED IN A SHEET

WITH SHELDON’S GOGGLES COVERING HER EYES, THE BREATH MASK ON
HER FACE. CARRIES A BROOM WITH A FLASHLIGHT ATTACHED TO ONE
END.

SHELDON

Amy! Be careful... those goggles were

a gift from MeeMaw.

AMY SHUSHES SHELDON AND CREEPS TOWARDS THE DOCILE RACCOON.

SHE CROUCHES LOW TO THE GROUND, MOVING AS QUIETLY AS
POSSIBLE. SHE PRODS THE RACCOON WITH THE BROOM AND IT DOESN’T
RESPOND.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

You call that a poke! Really goose

that thing, Amy. I’d like to not spend

the last hours of my brilliant life

under siege by a rodent.

AMY

Sheldon, he isn’t going to...

AS AMY POKES THE RACCOON IT SPRINGS INTO ACTION. AMY RUNS

AROUND THE CAMPSITE, SWATTING THE BROOM AT THE RACCOON.

SHELDON

Amy! Run for your life! Just stay away

from me!

AMY AND THE RACCOON DISAPPEAR INTO THE BUSHES.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 33.

SCENE N

INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

(Penny, Leonard, Koothrapali)

LEONARD, DRESSED IN A KARATE KID COSTUME, WORKS THROUGH A TAE

BO VIDEO. HE SWEATS PROFUSELY AS HE PUNCHES, KICKS, AND JUMPS
TO THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC. PENNY ENTERS CARRYING GROCERY BAGS.
AS SHE TURNS AND THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT LEONARD SNATCHES THE
HEADBAND FROM HIS HEAD AND ATTEMPTS TO COVER UP.

LEONARD

Hey, I wasn’t expecting you for a few

more hours.

PENNY

What is this? An audition for Karate

Kid Junior Edition?

PENNY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND REMOVES ITEMS FROM THE BAGS.
LEONARD TURNS OFF THE TV BEFORE JOINING HER.

LEONARD

Penny, I’ve been thinking and if you

want to take on some acting, then you

do that. Make yourself happy.

PENNY CLOSES THE FRIDGE DOOR HEAVILY AND SIGHS.

PENNY

Leonard, I talked to the director and,

uh... they went in another direction.

LEONARD HUGS PENNY.

LEONARD

I’m so sorry. Let me get out of these

clothes and I’ll cook. You just have a

drink and seat on the couch.

"Episode Title" 34.

LEONARD ESCORTS PENNY TO THE COUCH, OPENS HER DRINK AND EXITS
TOWARD THE BEDROOM.

KOOTHRAPALI ENTERS WITH WINE AND A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

KOOTHRAPALI

There’s my famous movie star.

HE HANDS THE CHOCOLATES TO PENNY AND PLACES THE WINE ON THE

ISLAND.

KOOTHRAPALI (CONT’D)

Keep those away from me. When we go on

the red carpet I want my cheekbones to

be razor sharp.

PENNY STANDS AND PLACES THE BOX ON THE TABLE BEFORE DRAGGING
KOOTHRAPALI TO THE FRIDGE.

PENNY

Listen, you! Be quiet. I told Leonard

I didn’t get the part.

KOOTHRAPALI

What? Why?

PENNY

I saw an... old friend. She never got

out of acting and her life was a mess.

It reminded me of the bad times.

KOOTHRAPALI

Bad times, how?

PENNY RELEASES KOOTHRAPALI AND PLACES HER HANDS ON THE

ISLAND.
"Episode Title" 35.

PENNY

Every time I put my all into a part

and didn’t get it, Leonard has always

been there for me. I can’t make myself

hurt like that anymore. Or him.

KOOTHRAPALI

You aren’t going to tell him you got

the part?

PENNY

No. I called the director and told him

I wasn’t interested.

LEONARD ENTERS WEARING A NEBRASKA FOOTBALL JERSEY AND

MATCHING CORN COB HAT.

KOOTHRAPALI

Dude, what the hell?

LEONARD

It’s my ‘make Penny feel at home

outfit.’

KOOTHRAPALI CASTS A SUSPICIOUS GLANCE AT PENNY.

PENNY

What can I say? He knows me.

CUT TO:
"Episode Title" 36.

SCENE P

EXT. CAMPGROUND - NIGHT

(Amy, Sheldon)

AMY ENTERS DRESSED IN A NOW RAGGED SHEET, OBSCURED GOGGLES,

AND THE BROOM OVER HER SHOULDER.

SHELDON ENTERS FROM THE TINY HOUSE AND RUNS TOWARDS AMY. HE
REACHES TO HUG HER BUT RECOILS WHEN SHE GETS CLOSE.

SHELDON

Did it bite you?

AMY

No.

SHELDON EMBRACES AMY. HE POINTS BACK TOWARDS THE TINY HOUSE

WITH ALARM.

SHELDON

We must get back inside before it

comes back. Next time we might not be

so lucky.

AMY

Sheldon! He was a harmless beast who

was just provoked by a crazy lady in a

bed sheet.

SHELDON TAKES AMY BY THE HAND LOOKS HER IN THE EYE.

SHELDON

What you did out here tonight proves

that we are perfect for each other.

AMY

Making tinkle in a briar bush, while a

raccoon tries to rip my eyes out

proves that?
"Episode Title" 37.

SHELDON

No. It proves that, even though I am

not the most manly of gentlemen, you

have the ability to pick up that

slack. Thus, making you an essential

part of my life, and I an essential

part of yours.

AMY RETURNS SHELDON’S HUG WITH EXTRA VIGOR.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

Ow, you can’t hurt the brains of this

operation. Without me you’d just be a

common rodent wrangler.

FADE OUT:
"Episode Title" 38.

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD AND PENNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

(Penny, Koothrapali, Leonard, Wolowitz, Bernadette)

WOLOWITZ AND BERNADETTE ENTER DRESSED IN COSTUMES. WOLOWITZ

IS WEARING A BRIGHT YELLOW BODYSUIT WITH A PAIR OF FRILLY
WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE. HE FURIOUSLY SLAMS THE DOOR
BEFORE ADDRESSING A SHOCKED LEONARD, PENNY, AND KOOTHRAPALI.

WOLOWITZ

What the hell guys? Where were you

today?

PENNY

For what? The sale at Victoria Secret?

WOLOWITZ NERVOUSLY TUGS AT THE SMALL PANTIES.

WOLOWITZ

It was going to be a joke, but you

guys never showed.

KOOTHRAPALI

Why didn’t you just change? Or take

the panties off at least?

BERNADETTE

Believe me; I tried to talk him out of

it.

LEONARD

I guess he thought it would make a

good joke...

HOWARD CROSSES THE ROOM TAKING VARYING SIZED STEPS TO REMOVE

THE TIGHT UNDERWEAR FROM HIS NETHER REGIONS.
"Episode Title" 39.

PENNY

He wasn’t wrong.

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW