5 Attitude Traps That Destroy Relationships, And How To Avoid Them.

 As a little girl I heard and fantasized about fairy tales that ended in
"happily ever after."
 Then life happens along with seasons of busting through illusions.
For some us, adult relationships are much like the merry-go-round
we played as children. We go around in circles and can't get off.
 Although we grow out of childhood stories and ways of thinking,
many of us unknowingly keep attitudes that contribute to
destroying relationships. Marriages deteriorate and adult children
become estranged.
 In the next few posts, I'll focus on one attitude trap at a time and
give examples. I'll include how to be aware and avoid it along with
suggestions for ways to begin repair in relationships that matter.
 Here's 5 attitude traps that destroy relationships.
1. Attitude of entitlement
2. Attitude of being the only truth-bearer
3. Attitude of disregard
4. Attitude of control
5. Attitude of being the victim

I. Attitude of Entitlement
 Attitudes of entitlement come in different forms and
relationships. Here's a few extreme examples.
 "I have every right to tell you what to do because I'm your
mother," a 90 year-old woman says to her 70 year-old son.
 "I deserve to have sex with you. It's been three days!" an angry
husband says to his wife.
 "I'm work hard for an income. I don't have to tell you I'm buying a
new car," a spouse tells her husband.
 "If they were my children, I would. . ." a mother-in-law says to her
daughter-in-law.
 These may be severe illustrations for some and common for
others. The point is this. Attitudes of entitlement are the opposite
of loving relationships.
 Entitlement means one has rights to certain benefits.
 As American citizens, we are all aware of having certain and
unalienable rights living in the United States. With other roles like
employment, we have rights to receive a paycheck. When
entering into an agreement such as marriage, we have rights to
love, honor, and cherish our spouse.
 Continual attitudes of entitlement through personal relationship
interactions tear down and disregard the humanity of a spouse. It
disrespects the ability of a young mom. It crushes the confidence
of an adult child.
 Replace the attitude of entitlement with attitude of gratitude.
 Even as a US citizen or an employee or a spouse, being grateful for
the privilege of these roles makes life easier. It draws others into
partnership. It invites connection.
 An attitude of belief in another, and thankfulness may look like
this:
 For the elderly mother toward her son. "I respect your decisions. I
believe in you. I'm proud of the man you are. You have what it
takes."
 For the sexually frustrated husband toward his wife, "Honey, what
do you need from me? How can I be a more loving husband to
you?" (By the way, I've never known a woman to be drawn to
making love with an angry husband.)
 For the spouse who wants a new car, "I value your opinion. The
money I earn is ours. You're just as important in this decision as I
am."
 For the mother-in-law toward her daughter-in-law, "You're a great
mom. My grandchildren are so blessed to have you as their
mother. You're doing a great job."
 Attitude of gratitude makes life full and nurtures relationships.
 To avoid a "Polyanna" way of thinking, we recognize those in
extremely difficult situations. Attitudes of gratitude may seem
artificial and unrealistic.
 Recognize that change is a process. Ways of thinking and believing
are challenging. It may take years of practice toward gratitude to
begin making a difference toward healing in a relationship.
 Be encouraged that relationships are always changing. Growing
out of an entitlement attitude can get us off the merry-go-round
of the "happily ever after" fantasy.
 I'm reminded of the truth of Scripture "in everything give
thanks. . ." (I Thessalonians 5:18)

II. Attitude of Being the Only Truth-Bearer

 Some may be surprised that truth-bearing is the second among 5
attitude traps that destroy relationships. Anyone with the natural
gift of teaching will recognize truth-bearing as part of their
character. Many of us who are moms of adult children can
identify. Spouses can relate.
 Truth-bearing attitude is a problem when it interferes with
personal relationships. A person’s perspective of “right” trumps
life-long “relationship.”
 Here’s an example:
 I had an epiphany a few years ago during a lunch date with one of
my grown children. I became aware of an attitude I had that
contributed to my young adult child’s irritation toward me. The
relationship seemed to deteriorate and I couldn’t figure out why.
 I saw myself as the only one who could teach truth. I was looking
for things that needed my “wisdom” rather than appreciating the
individuality of my child.
 Many of us unknowingly objectify our loved ones. We see them as
projects to be fixed. We miss out on their uniqueness. We miss
out on their beauty and their giftedness. We choose “right” over
“relationship.”
 Another example observed:
 A mom and college-age son were in a social setting in which an
older adult attempted to make conversation with the son. The
mom, standing right beside the son answered for him. She
unknowingly gave messages of: He can’t answer for himself. I am
the one who knows him. I’m his mediator.
 He is conditioned to be quiet and allow girlfriends to speak for
him. Later, he may seek to marry a woman who speaks for him,
feels for him, and does for him. He has learned not to do for
himself. He will likely be criticized by his wife for not speaking up
about his feelings.
 Marriage Vows: You and I are One. . . and I’m the One
 Some of us choose spouses we can fix. Like a knight in shining
armor, a man may be drawn to a needy woman. He lives in the
illusion of “I’m right. . . she’s wrong.” Christian couples getting
married may unknowingly adopt the attitude of, “we are one. . .
and I’m the one.”
 The danger of the I’m-right-and-you’re-wrong-truth-bearing
attitude is that it devalues the other person.
 Illusions of Being the Only Truth-bearer
 We adopt illusions that we are the only ones who can teach truth
to our adult children, or wayward spouse, or young adult
grandchildren. We believe our loved one’s life will fall apart if we
don’t tell them how to live. If we make another’s decision that
rightfully belongs to them, we set ourselves up for being blamed
and controlling.
 Trust God’s Design for Our Humanity
 Most of us strive to do what we know to be right. We have a
sense of right and wrong deep within the fabric of our souls. It’s
part of our humanity to live meaningful lives that influence our
loved ones in positive ways.
 To avoid the attitude of being the only truth bearer is to trust in
God’s design for each of us in our humanity. We are not the Holy
Spirit. We cannot control the thoughts of our children no matter
what age they are. We cannot turn the hearts of our spouse
toward doing right. Each person is responsible for their own
choices. God Himself honors our free will.
 Replace the attitude of being the only truth-bearer with an
attitude of listening.
 To avoid the truth-bearing trap, learn to listen with an attitude of
curiosity. Respect the differences of those you love. Be willing to
learn from them. Align with the reality that none of us have a
corner on all truth. We can pray with openness for God’s
perspective in our own lives as well as our concerns for others.
 We can trust the Holy Spirit to move in the hearts of our family
members.

III. Attitude of Disregard

 Most of us have known what it’s like to wait in line at the
customer service counter and be ignored by the retail worker.
Even if she or he was busy putting boxes away, or changing out
cash drawers, or taking inventory, we at least wanted a glance of
acknowledgement in our direction with a courteous,”I’ll-be-right-
with-you-in-a-moment.”
 We may have known what it’s like to sit in a restaurant and be
forgotten. Other patrons who came in after us had ordered and
been served their meals. We felt invisible. We were disregarded.
 Such encounters are minor irritations that cause inconveniences.
Yet, when an attitude of disregard characterizes a significant
relationship, it’s not so minor.
 In our significant relationships, we get into patterns of familiarity.
I call it a dance. Perhaps we get used to being disregarded. Or we
are not aware of disregarding the other. Over time, the dance
pattern tears down the dignity of the relationship.
 Most attitudes of disregard begins in childhood. For some, we
were groomed to believe children are to be seen and not heard.
The generational pattern gets repeated in our childrearing
attitudes.
 In parenting, disregard sounds like this. . .
 “Do what I say, just because I said so” without regard to the
child’s internal or external experiences.
 “Tell your brother you’re sorry” without taking time to
understand the child’s perspective.
 In marriage, disregard may look like this. . .
- Complaining about a meal the other prepared
- Focusing on the spouse’s flaws
- Saying sarcastic statements at the other’s expense
- Trying to fix the spouse’s problem rather than listening
- Avoiding eye contact
 In leadership ministry or business, disregard may look like this . . .
- Not returning phone calls or emails
- Having unrealistic expectations of employees or workers
- Refusing to hear concerns or ideas of others
 Whether a child, or spouse, or employee, each person is worthy.
Each one deserves to be listened to, and regarded as significant.
 Replace attitude of disregard with an attitude of honoring others.
 Ongoing disregard of another’s point of view, their beliefs, their
feelings, and their experiences damages relationships. All of us
long to be heard, seen, understood, and valued.
 As patrons, we desire prompt service. How much more our
significant relationships need continual nurturing of honor and
respect!

IV. Attitude of Control

 Some who naturally have strong leadership skills also have
difficulty with control issues within their own families. For others
who are people pleasers, it’s easy to be “victims” of control. The
power/control pattern out of balance is damaging in the long-run.
 Recently, I didn’t think twice to do exactly what my mom told me
to do as I was driving both of us to an event. Although, I would
have chosen the highway for efficiency and directness, she told
 me to go the back way. I did what she said. We found ourselves
inching along in heavy traffic.
I finally asked, “why did you want me to go this route?”
She said, “because I don’t like driving on the highway.”
“Oh,” I said.
I then realized, I’m the driver! She’s the passenger! She wanted
me to go the back way because she didn’t like driving on the
highway.
When I pointed that out, we both started laughing. As her grown
daughter, I automatically took her orders unquestioningly! The
reason it was so funny is because she experiences the same thing
with her mom: takes her orders unquestioningly. . . until she
figures it out a moment later.
 I’ve been accused of coming from a family of matriarchs, meaning
we have strong leadership among the women. I saw it in my great
grandmother who led Adult Bible studies in her church at a time
when women weren’t supposed to teach men!
 Power/Control Patterns
 The damaging part of control is when the people-pleaser of the
pair develops self-doubt, worry, fear, and insecurity.
 The controller of the pair gets stuck in an illusion of power and
false security. The relationship is not reciprocal or equal.
 In my work with couples I’ve seen another side of the pattern.
Controllers marry people-pleasers. If neither one recognizes it,
one or both partners loose their sense of self while the other
remains stuck in the illusion.
 I’m glad my mom and I both recognized this dynamic. I told her
I’m going to be assertive and go the way I want next time! We
belly-laughed over it because it was so familiar!
 We were able to respect the otherness of the other.
 Replace the attitude of control with attitude of respect for others.

V. Attitude of Being the Victim

 Years ago, getting my four children up and ready for school was a
daily stressor. Sleeping until the last minute added to the pressure
and chaos. In some cases I pulled out a bag of frozen marbles
from the freezer. On the count of three, those marbles were
released in the warm comfortable beds of my young ones along
with a jolt of adrenaline and anger. It got them up! At least we got
moving.
More often than not, we’d rush out of the house forgetting
something. It wasn’t unusual to get a call, “Mom, I forgot my
lunch” or “I need you to bring my homework.”
Motivated by self blame and guilt for my impatience, the family
fell into familiar relationship patterns. I took them their lunches,
or their forgotten homework.
I eventually forgave myself for being an imperfect parent. I grew
out of guilt-ridden motivation to cover for them. Since those days
they’ve all grown to be responsible adults with children of their
own. The “Mom-I-forgot-my-lunch” mentality has long passed
from our relationships.
 “Guilty-parent” Role Breeds Victim Attitudes
 Some don’t grow out of this relationship template with their
children. Over-giving to one’s offspring to compensate for guilt
 breeds victim attitudes. They become familiar patterns affecting
future relationships.
 Those with victim attitudes are attracted to partners who are
overly empathic and have difficulty saying, “no.” They seek out
others who will take the blame and cover for them. In a marriage,
one takes the role of “guilty parent” while the other personifies
the victim role. Taken to an extreme, the victim mentality
contributes to destroying the relationship.
 Those caught up in the victim mentality have difficulty seeing their
personal need for self growth. They continue to blame others for
their own forgetfulness, misfortunes, or poor judgement. The
relationship keeps the victim from facing reality. It keeps the
overly sensitive partner in a state of self-blame. Common
accusatory phrases sound like:
 “It’s all your fault”
“You make me so mad.”
“If it were’t for you, I’d . . . “
“You’ve ruined my life.”
 Grow Toward Honoring Resiliency of Others
 Replace the attitude of being the victim with an attitude of
responsibility.
 God designed for us all to grow beyond our adolescent ways of
thinking and relating. We are each responsible for our own
decisions, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Beyond normal child-
rearing stages of life, none of us are designed to take on
obligations that rightfully belong to the other.
 In my years of mothering four children, I’m learning to trust in
their resiliency and growth. We are designed for struggle and
 facing our own consequences as adults. Neither we, nor our
children, nor our spouses are perfect. Embracing our
imperfections as a gift from God sets the stage for acceptance,
love, forgiveness, and responsibility.
 I’m reminded of I Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked
like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I
became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

Here’s the No. 1 thing that ‘destroys’ relationships, say researchers who
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PSYCHOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS
Here’s the No. 1 thing that ‘destroys’ relationships, say researchers who
studied couples for 50 years

As a psychologist and sexologist, we’ve been studying relationships for

more than 50 years combined, and we’ve found that no matter how
you slice it, most of them fail because of poor communication.

In his book “What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologist Dr. John Gottman

identifies the four most problematic types of communication in
relationships, based on his studies of 40,000 couples:

Contempt: Expressing a lack of respect for our partners (e.g., name-

calling, eye-rolling, ridiculing).
Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character.
Defensiveness: Protecting from criticism by using excuses or shifting
blame.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from communication by ignoring, zoning
out or acting busy.
Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest predictor of a failed
relationship is contempt.

What does contempt look like?

Contempt is more than criticism or saying something negative. It’s
when one partner asserts that they are smarter, have better morals, or
are simply a better human being than the other.
The partner on the receiving end feels unworthy and unloved.

For example, continually interrupting the other person is disrespectful.

But it turns into contempt when the interruption is not an overeager
desire to talk, but rather a statement that the partner has nothing
interesting or important to say.

It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, “Oh, he’s not worth listening

to. He couldn’t tell a story to save his life.”

When this type of behavior becomes more than rare — and when it is
either unrecognized or delivered with intent — any relationship, much
less a marriage, is in trouble.

How contempt destroys relationships

Contempt makes it impossible for partners to feel like they have each
other’s back. Instead of “it’s you and me against the problem,” partners
are now the opponents. They never know when they might be attacked
or undermined.

This often stems from individuals feeling that they are standing up for
themselves, which is usually a healthy thing to do. But the problem is
that they are standing up for themselves against their partner, trying to
raise themselves up while tearing their partner down.
Contempt isn’t just bad for relationships — it’s also bad for our health.
We need one another to survive. Contempt cuts off or threatens those
ties to other people.

Research has shown that individuals who use contempt in their

communication have higher rates of disease, including cancer, heart
disease, and other illnesses such as colds or the flu.

How to eliminate contempt in your relationship

1. Identify and share negative feelings.
When we don’t know how to name or talk about negative feelings, it’s
tempting to take them out on others.

For example: “I can’t believe you are canceling our date night to meet
with your friends. You’re a selfish jerk. You never think about my
feelings!”

To avoid contemptuous communication, use this formula instead:

State what you’re feeling: “I feel annoyed and sad because I was
looking forward to spending time together.”
Add a request: “I’d like to avoid this happening in the future by talking
about it first before changing plans.”
Invite your partner to the conversation: “Do you think we can do that?”
2. Create a culture of appreciation.
Expressing appreciation helps us notice more of our partner’s positive
qualities rather than the negatives.
Ideally, we want our positive statements and gestures to outweigh the
negative ones — the magic ratio is at least five positive statements or
feelings to one negative one.

Track your communication patterns over a week. How often are you
engaging in negative interactions (e.g., nagging, criticizing, ignoring,
eye-rolling) versus positive ones (e.g., praising, complementing, doing
something nice for the other partner)?

The following week, interact with your partner using the magic ratio.
Do you feel differently?

You can also try each making a list of 20 things you love about each
other. Read them out loud, and challenge yourselves by adding to the
list over time.