Hearts Ablaze

RESOURC

Ditchdigger’s Daughter Reveals God’s Way Is The Only Way

A Science-based Christian Survival Guidebook:

Having the Power to Live Your Life Free from Abuse in
Today’s Human Environment
**********************************

Rita L. Thornton, J.D., Ph.D.

Front & Back COVER Inserts
Dr. Rita Thornton is the youngest daughter
of Donald and Itasker Thornton. She is the
youngest sibling of the “Thornton Sisters”
(an all-girl R&B band that performed at the
famous Apollo Theater and many colleges
along the east coast during the 1960s &
1970s). In 1995, her family story was told by
her sister Dr. Yvonne Thornton, M.D. in her
book entitled “The Ditchdigger’s Daughters,”
which was later made into a T.V. movie by
the same name in 1997.
This is the second book Dr. Thornton has
written. The first book entitled “A Suitcase
Full of Dreams” she co-authored with her
sister Dr. Jeanette Thornton, Ed.D., M.D.
The “Suitcase” book was written about the
Thornton Sisters’ mother; and it has been
referred to as the “rebuttal book” to “The
Ditchdigger’s Daughters book.
Dr. Rita Thornton is currently a Lupus
patient, who is a survivor of ovarian cancer, a
pulmonary embolism and two strokes. She
has stated that having these current and past
life-threatening medical challenges has made
her a stronger Black woman equipped to deal
with the closed doors and ongoing difficulties
of living a Christian life.
Dr. Thornton is the Chief Executive Officer
of the “Thornton Sisters Foundation.” The
Foundation is a faith-based 501(c)3 non-
profit organization; and for the past 31 years,
it has granted college scholarships to New
Jersey public High School females of color,
who are in financial need and will be
attending a 4-year college/university. She has
stated during the Thornton Sisters
Foundation’s Annual Scholarship Award
Banquets that she is forever grateful for each
day God has allowed her to live on this Earth
as He continues to “direct” her steps; and
confirm why she was born the fifth (5th)
daughter…maybe to be a living example of
the wonderful Grace [favor] of God.
After studying many psychological and
neuroscience case studies on abuse, Dr.
Thornton discovered that an abusive
behavior, in most situations, is quietly passed
on from generation to generation. So, doing
this research supported her need to learn the
“science” behind the different ways a person
can be abused; and “How ” do you recover?
Dr. Thornton has her Ph.D. from New Jersey
Institute of Technology (NJIT). She became
the first Black woman at NJIT to earn a Ph.D.
in environmental science. So, she has written
this Christian Survival Guide as a science-based
self-help book. After surviving so many
traumatic experiences in her life, she wanted
to create a learning tool that could be
referenced and used as a Playbook to help
those people, who are currently or have been
in toxic and/or abusive relationships.
In Dr. Thornton’s opinion, if we are ever
going to live a Christian life according to
God’s Plan, then we need to learn and be
skillful in using God’s Spiritual Discernment
to not only identify the abusive tactics being
used by the Abuser, but to also know how to
take a healthy, positive, and Godly approach
to living and recovering from any kind of
abuse that may create a Complex Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).
So, Dr. Thornton wants to personally thank
the following people, who inspired her to
write this Christian Survival Guidebook as a
way to take an active stand against abuse…
the silent killer that seeks to steal, kill, and
destroy the emotional stability and mental
thoughts of safety within any abused person
living in today’s Human Environment:
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D.
Sherman McClendon
Marlene Harper
Ann Zeloof, Esq.
Shevon Peet, LCSW
Pastor Michael Lugones
Pastor Joel Osteen
 Hearts Ablaze
Ditchdigger’s Daughter Reveals God’s Way Is The Only Way

A Science-based Christian Survival Guidebook:

Having the Power to Live Your Life Free from Abuse in
Today’s Human Environment

Rita L. Thornton, J.D., Ph.D.

 Hearts Ablaze
Ditchdigger’s Daughter Reveals God’s Way Is The Only Way

Author’s Note:
They say that musicians and singers don’t retire. They simply
stop when there is no more music in them. Well, as the youngest
member of the Thornton Sisters, I still have a lot of music in me.
So, Hearts Ablaze is my way of singing a new song!
Isaiah 42: 9 -10

i
God said in Isaiah 42:9-10, “The former things have come to pass and
new things I now declare. Sing a new song unto the Lord.” God is
saying the things you’ve been struggling with are coming to an end. The
depression, the disappointment, the hurt, the loneliness, the bad habits,
He’s about to put a stop to it. He’s going to do a new thing. But there’s
one requirement. The last part of this verse is the whole key. If you’re
going to see the negative come to an end and God do a new thing, then
you have to sing a new song.
- Joel Osteen (2017)

ii
 Copyright © 2023 by Dr. Rita Thornton

The reproducing, uploading, scanning, and/or distribution of this Survival Guidebook without
permission is a thief of the author’s intellectual property. However, if you wish to obtain
permission to use material from the Guidebook, then please contact Dr. Thornton at
www.drritathorntonphdspeaks.com. Thank you for acknowledging and respecting her
intellectual property rights.

Self-Publishing

First Edition: January 2023

Library of Congress
Copyright Office
101 Independence Avenue S.E.
Washington, DC 20559-6000
Name: Thornton, Dr. Rita, author
Title: Hearts Ablaze: Ditchdigger’s Daughter Reveals God’s Way Is The Only Way -
A Science-based Christian Survival Guidebook: The Power to Live Your Life Free
from Abuse in Today’s Human Environment/ Dr. Rita Thornton
Description: First Edition
Identifiers: ISBN:979-8-218-13631-4

Printed in the United States of America

iii
 Dedication:
I first dedicate the Spirit of this Survival Guidebook to my Father God
because, I love Him with all of my Heart and all of my soul.

I also dedicate the Voice of this Guidebook to my loving sister, The Late
Dr. Jeanette F. Thornton, Ed.D., M.D., who died March 10, 2020 after
silently fighting her own battle with Ovarian Cancer

iv
 The Voice
of
Hearts Ablaze
The Voice of this Survival Guidebook is not about who did the
abuse or when it happened, but it is about acquiring the knowledge
necessary to know how and when you are being abused. And, then
knowing how to take a Christian stand against the abuse as you
start healing and recovering from that abuse.
Therefore, this Hearts Ablaze Guidebook has a 3-point purpose:

✓ To learn how to skillfully spot or recognize a person who has

personality disorder traits (i.e. the Abuser)

✓ To learn how to assess your daily surroundings so you can

identify an abusive and/or toxic human environment before
you are abused

✓ To offer a healthy Christian approach as a way to begin your

journey of healing and recovering from the abuse

Author’s Opinion: If young girls and women had the teachings and skills that this Survival
Guidebook provides, they may have been able to recognize the cunning and deceitful schemes
created by Abusers and sex offenders such as, Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein.

v
 - Proverbs 4:23

vi
 Langston Hughes
(1907 - 1967)

“Harlem – A Dream Deferred”

(1951)

Application of the Poem:

What happens to a dream deferred? I have personal first-hand
knowledge and experience that
Does it dry up shows… UNtreated Narcissistic
Like a raisin in the sun? Abuse is like what happens to a
Dream deferred...
Or fester like a sore –
And then run? The UNtreated abuse leaves the
Abused person’s Heart hard and
Does it stink like rotten meat? cold as his/her/their feelings about
Or crust and sugar over – the abuse - "dry up like a raisin in
like a syrupy sweet? the Sun"
OR
Maybe it just sags The UNtreated abuse leaves the
like a heavy load. Abused person’s Heart storing up
his/her/their feelings about the
Or does it explode? abuse so it does "fester like a sore"
with pus building up in the body,
which "then” will uncontrollably
“run" out or “explode” during a
Narcissist Rage!

vii
 CONTENTS

Introduction 1

Part 1
Terminology
[Proverbs 15:4; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7]
CHAPTER 1 – Defining Abuse 5
CHAPTER 2 – Different Ways to be Abused 6
CHAPTER 3 – Four Types of Love 7

Part 2
Abuse in the Human Environment
[Proverbs 15:4; 2 Corinthians 10:5]
CHAPTER 4 – The Science Behind Abuse 11
CHAPTER 5– The Abuser’s Life Cycle 12
CHAPTER 6– Three Ecological Interactions or Relationship Styles Between
Abuser and Abused Person 13

viii
Part 3
The Gift of Discernment: A Learned Skill
[1 Corinthians 12:8-10]

CHAPTER 7 - What is the Gift of Discernment? 20

CHAPTER 8 - What has God Given Us to Use that will Help Us with 21
Discernment?
CHAPTER 9 - How Do You Turn God’s Gift into a Skill? 23
CHAPTER 10 - How do you Discern Good Godly behavior? 24
CHAPTER 11- How do you Discern Evil/Bad Ungodly behavior? 25

Part 4
Discernment: Using God’s Gift to Live a Christian Life
[Colossians 1: 9-12]

CHAPTER 12 - How to know God’s Will and His Plan for your Life? 28
CHAPTER 13 - How do you Discern whether or not a person is a good
Christian or whether or not you are in a Bad Human Environment? 30
CHAPTER 14 - How to use your God-given Discernment to Recognize
a Bad person who is not part of God’s Plan? 31
CHAPTER 15 - How to become RESISTANT to Bad people and PROTECT
yourself against the sinful temptations in our worldly Human Environment? 32
CHAPTER 16 - How do you PREPARE yourself to go against the sinful
temptations and adversity you will face in the worldly Human Environment? 33

ix
Part 5
The Core Blockers of Discernment When Identifying Abuse
[Proverbs 18:14]

CHAPTER 17 – What is the Trichotomy, Understanding the science behind the

Trichotomy; and how does it work in Discernment? 36
CHAPTER 18 - The Word of God and its effect on the Trichotomy 38
CHAPTER 19 - Recognizing the five (5) Spiritual Core Blockers of Discernment
and how they cause a crushed Spirit in a person 39

Part 6
Tools & Knowledge Needed to Live a Christian Life
[1 Corinthians 15:33]

CHAPTER 20 - What Tools & Knowledge do you need to live a Christian Life? 46
CHAPTER 21 - What are the ABC’s of Christian Living? 48
CHAPTER 22 - How do you win the daily WAR that’s against Christian Living? 49
CHAPTER 23 - What are the five (5) SIGNS that God wants you to Step Away
from Someone in your Life? 51

x
Part 7
Using Discernment to Recognize & Recover from Abusive
and Toxic Relationships [Ephesians 4:14]

CHAPTER 24 - How do you know and recognize cunning, crafty, toxic, and
abusive people and their deceitful scheming? 59
CHAPTER 25 - Which two (2) personal Interactions or Relationship Styles
would involve cunning and crafty abusive people exercising their
deceitful schemes? 62
CHAPTER 26 - Which personal Interaction/Relationship would involve
people exercising and speaking the Holy Spirit of Truth; and respecting and
valuing each other as they honor God’s Word? 63
CHAPTER 27 - Is there a benefit(s) to having a personal Interaction or
Relationship Style that involves people working together supporting each
other with God’s love in their heart? If yes, then what is/are the benefit(s)? 64
CHAPTER 28 - How do you recover from the cunning and crafty abusive
people and the emotional harm they cause as a result of their deceitful scheming? 65

xi
Part 8
Using Discernment to Finally Break Free from Abuse or
Toxic Relationship Barriers & Trauma Bonds [Ephesians:12 & 14;
Ephesians 6: 11-17]
CHAPTER 29 - Why would God want His people to be spiritually “mature”
and not be spiritual “infants”? [Ephesians 4:12 & 14] 68
CHAPTER 30 - What does the word “Deceitful” mean? [Ephesians 4:14] 71
CHAPTER 31 - Would a “Deceitful” person be considered an “Abuser”? Why? 72
CHAPTER 32 - What is a “Trauma Bond” in an Abusive or Toxic relationship? 73
CHAPTER 33 - How is a “Trauma Bond” formed and strengthened through
Abuse and /or “deceitful scheming”? [Ephesians 4:12 & 14] 74
CHAPTER 34 - How do you use your Discernment to identify Abuse and/or a
“Trauma Bond” that does not allow you to become who God created you to be? 75
CHAPTER 35 - How do you BREAK Free from an Abusive Relationship
and/or a “Trauma Bond” (5 Steps) 76

MY STORY – No Cap on “The Ditchdigger’s Daughters” 78

RESOURCES 82
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 83
EPILOGUE 85

xii
 Introduction

If you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have to do things you’ve
never done. - Jen Sincero (2017)
I was the youngest child in a two-parent family of *pseudomutuality. I
also was the only daughter, who attended medical school, but chose not
to become a “medical” doctor like our father wanted. Based on my birth
order and this decision, I was abused with no freedom to live the
Christian life I wanted to live. So, writing this Hearts Ablaze
Survival Guidebook is my way of doing a thing that I have never done.
The fact is, we all have been hurt somewhere along the way in our
lives, whether it was in the home, at work, or in school. But, no one has
the right to use their negative abusive behavior to pass their hurt and
pain onto another person or other people. However, many neuroscience
articles state that an abusive behavior is a learned behavior with the
abusive tactics being repeated when they are shown to be effective.
I have learned and observed how negative and positive spirits are
transferable. Even the Bible confirms that when it comes to our human
body, there is a transference of spirits. For example, a negative evil
person brings negative things out of the negativity stored up in that
person’s Heart while the positive good person brings positive things
out of the good positivity stored up in that person’s Heart (Luke 6:45).
Here are other bible scriptures supporting this transference of spirits
(Luke 8:27-36; Matthew 12:43-45; Hebrews 4:12).
When looking closer at what negative and positive words do to a
person’s spirit, God wants us to remember a negative deceitful tongue
crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4) while positive gentle words are like
honey– sweet to the soul and healthy for the body (Proverbs 16:24).

*In the APA dictionary, this refers to a family relationship which has the outside superficial appearance of being happy and
cohesive with mutual openness and understanding, when in reality the family relationship is rigid and depersonalizing.

1
One may ask how are we allowing this transference of spirits to occur
in our own human body? To answer that question, I would like to refer
to an African proverb that states ... “Evil enters like a needle and then
spreads like the deep roots of an oak tree.” This proverb explains how a
negative evil spirit is transferred or enters one’s body (i.e. an evil Heart is
initially being masked or wrapped in the hearing of smooth kind words and receiving of
kind gestures). Also, once the evil spirit enters the body like a needle, that
evil spirit spreads like the deep roots of an oak tree, which means any
negative, evil, abusive spirit is repeated and becomes an acceptable
way of life…generation after generation after generation.
I believe in order for any abusive person to change his/her behavior,
that person has to want to change; and even if the person wants to
change, then the person has to acknowledge that the process of
changing is a learning process that is slow and ongoing. If the abused
person wants to change his/her/their response to any abuse, then that
person has to acknowledge the process of changing is going to require
doing things the person has never done. For example, learning about
God’s gift of Spiritual Discernment (i.e. being able to “notice the details” of a
person’s behavior) in order to recognize the abusive tactics being used
while at the same time, practicing Spiritual Discernment each day.
It has been my experience that people do not want to address or openly
discuss the issue of abuse. So, whenever the topic of abuse comes up at
home, work, church, and/or with friends on social media, people tend
to quickly lie and go into denial while choosing to remain with the
abusive person and continue the abusive relationship. For me, it doesn’t
matter what people do because, when it comes to being abused, like an
African proverb states… “The Axe forgets, but the Tree remembers.”
If you are a person who is in denial and chooses to stay in denial, then
this Survival Guidebook is not for you. But, if you are a faithful person
with a good Heart, who wants to live a Christian life FREE from abuse,
then this Hearts Ablaze Survival Guidebook is your Playbook.
2
PSALM 129 : 2 - 4
2
Those who oppressed me during my
youth have not gained victory over me.
3
My back is covered with deep cuts, as
if a farmer had plowed furrows into
the Earth’s soil.
4
But, my righteous Father God is good;
He has cut me FREE from the cords of
the wicked and ungodly.

THE HOLY BIBLE – NEW LIVING TRANSLATION (NLT) - 2022

3
Part 1
 Part 1: Terminology [Proverbs 15:4; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7]
Gentle words are a tree of life, but a negative deceitful tongue
crushes the spirit [Proverbs 15:4]

CHAPTER 1 – Defining Abuse

According to Cornell University – Legal Information Institute, “Abuse”
is a willful action that intentionally causes harm to another person.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “Abuse” is the
corruptive practice and improper behavior that involves mistreatment of
another person.
Whether Abuse is defined as a corruptive practice and improper
behavior or a willful action that intentionally causes harm to another
person, abuse in any form, is still ungodly. So, …
➢ Why do many Christians accept, condone, and/or justify an
abusive behavior in themselves and/or in other people?

➢ Why do some Christians remain in abusive relationships?

➢ Why do some Christians protect the Abuser by “normalizing”

the abuse or “devaluing” the abused person?

➢ Why do we shy away from discussing abuse?

➢ Why do we reluctantly seek professional help or counseling/

therapy to learn how to treat and recover from abuse?

➢ Why is abuse considered a mental health illness?

Note: When you finish reading this Survival Guidebook; and journal what you have
learned at the end of Parts 1-8, you will be able to answer each of the questions above.

5
 CHAPTER 2 – Different Ways to be Abused

There are seven (7) ways a person can be abused (Hammond, C., 2019).
➢ Physically – Harm caused by physical contact
➢ Emotionally – Harm to a person’s emotions
➢ Verbally – Harm caused by hurtful words
➢ Mentally – Harm to a person’s thoughts
➢ Financially – Harm to a person’s finances (i.e. controlling a person’s
money without permission or spending a person’s money without permission)
➢ Sexually – Harm in the form of a sexual assault
➢ Spiritually – Harm to a person’s Holy Spirit

The following are some examples of Mental Abuse:

Cognitive Dissonance in Abused person – An Abused person is mentally
harmed when he/she struggles with having two contradictory thoughts at the
same time. For example, the Abused person thinks that if he/she takes the
abuse from the Abuser now, then that “abuse” can and will be exchanged
later for a few moments of “favor” from the Abuser.
Coercive Control by Abuser– An Abused person is mentally harmed when
he/she is exposed to a pattern of a coercive behavior by the Abuser such as,
isolating Abused person from his/her friends (i.e. demonizing Abused person’s
friends and outside relationships), monitoring the time, money, and activities of
Abused person, controlling when Abused person sleeps, eats and drinks.
Note: In Part 2, Chapter 4, you will learn more about the “science” behind the difference between
Emotional Abuse and Mental Abuse. Also, you will later learn about what actions of the Abuser will
trigger Emotional and Mental Abuse; and how the Abuser’s actions will emotionally and mentally
affect the Abused person to the extent where some parts of the Abused person’s brain are damaged,
which cause changes in mood (Price, J.L. and Drevets, W.C., Neuropsychopharmacology, 2010).
6
 CHAPTER 3 – Four Types of Love

1). “Eros” (Air-us) Romantic Love

Pleasure-based love that is sexual in nature. For example, husband and wife;
girlfriend and boyfriend. The interaction is based on feelings of excitement in
a sexual relationship.

2). “Philia” (Feel-lee-a) Friendship Love

A voluntary non-sexual mutually loving relationship between friends where
they meet the needs and interests of each other.

3). “Storge” (Stor-gay) Family Love

A non-voluntary dependency-based loving relationship that is biological in
nature. For example, a parent and his/her child; a child and his/her parent; and
between biological siblings.
Note: Family love has two risks…a). the risk of extinction, if needs are never met;
and b). the risk of corruption by the forces of jealousy, envy, and/or the need for
coercive control over another family member.

4). “Agape” (A-gop-pay) God’s Love

Unlike the other three types of love, this is a God-directed unconditional love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

According to “Psychology Today” articles, Romantic Love can combine with

Friendship love, but it is UNHEALTHY when…
❖ Romantic and/or Friendship Love are combined with Family Love; or
❖ The Family Love “risks” are seen.

7
LOVE is …
Patient LOVE
Kind
Not envious GOD’s
Not self-seeking
Not easily angered
Not boastful
This
Not arrogant describes
God’s
Not conceited kind of
love
(“Agape” love),
Not delighted in evil which
never fails
Always protecting to lift up
and
Always trusting inspire
others.
Always hoping
Always persevering 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

8
 Part 1

Cast all your anxieties onto God because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

What did you learn from the Part 1 Chapters?

9
Part 2
 Part 2: Abuse in the Human Environment
…but a negative deceitful tongue crushes the spirit [Proverbs 15:4]

CHAPTER 4 – The Science Behind Abuse

Biblical Application:
There is no fear or distrust when we LEARN how to capture
all “thoughts” and make them obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
11
 CHAPTER 5– The Abuser’s Life Cycle – 4 Phases

Phase 1 Phase 2

The Abuser
feels The Abuser
threatened or begins the abuse
insecure (i.e. bullying, negativity,
name-calling, yelling,
(i.e. the Abused person
silent treatment, insults, etc.)
wants personal autonomy
or the Abuser’s superficial
“image” is challenged)

Phase 4

Once the
Abuser receives
the help that
was asked for or Phase 3

the Abuser’s
The Abuser
needs are met,
becomes
the Abuser now
The Victim
feels
(Abuser acts needy,
empowered; becomes helpless &
blames others)
and proceeds to
discard the
Abused person
12
CHAPTER 6– Three Ecological Interactions or Relationship
Styles Between Abuser and Abused Person

13
The Predator-Prey Dominance technique is a learned technique that mainly focuses on
two (2) parts of the brain of the Predator/Abuser. As an angry and/or deceitful
Predator, the Abusive person’s behavior was learned with its memory stored in the
Hippocampus. When angry, the Predator/Abuser’s anger circuits in Amygdala turn on,
while all of the rational circuits in the brain Cortex turn off. This is why bad decisions are
always made when angry.

14
Parasitic Interaction/Relationship Style --- Like a parasite, the goal in this type of
interaction/relationship style is for the Parasite/Abuser to get more than what he/she gives.
Like a parasite isolates an area as it feeds off of its Host, the Parasite/Abuser is deceitful,
negative and toxic as he/she schemes to… a). Socially Isolate its Host/Abused person; and
b). Exploit/Feed off its Host/Abused person by draining the Host/Abused person’s energy and
resources (love, time & money), which over a period of time has an adverse effect on the
Host/Abused person’s physical and mental health (i.e. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder C-PTSD).

15
 *

* Remember, the African proverb that states “Evil enters like a needle…” So, the “Love Bombing”
technique is the needle that’s used by the deceitful Abuser, which allows the evil to enter the body of the
abused person.

16
17
 Part 2
When you have an anxious heart, fear not and be strong in
the Lord because God will come and save you.
Isaiah 35:4

What did you learn from the Part 2 Chapters?

18
Part 3
Part 3: The Gift of Discernment: A Learned Skill
[1 Corinthians 12:8-10]

CHAPTER 7 - What is the Gift of Discernment?

20
 CHAPTER 8 - What has God Given Us to Use that will Help Us with
Discernment?

Body 5-part Soul Spirit

Heart of the Holy Spirit
God’s Unconditional
Love from a
good/faithful Heart
showing The Fruit of
the Holy Spirit

Heart of a Demonic
Spirit
Devil’s Conditional
Love from a
wicked/evil Heart
showing Hatred,
Disorder & Conflict

21
22
CHAPTER 9 - How Do You Turn God’s Gift into a Skill?

23
 CHAPTER 10 - How do you Discern Good Godly behavior?

By using your Body, Soul & Spirit to Practice Discernment on a daily

basis, you will be able to skillfully “Notice the Details” as you begin
to Recognize Good GODLY Behavior vs. Bad UNGODLY Behavior

24
 CHAPTER 11- How do you Discern Evil/Bad Ungodly behavior?

Once you have used your Spiritual Discernment to recognize that you
are interacting with an “ungodly” person or the relationship style of the
other person is a Predator-Prey or Parasite-Host relationship style, you
then have a choice to use your Free Will. Knowing that God has given
each of us a Free Will, we then can use that Free Will to either stay in
the negative abusive relationship and go D.E.E.P. (meaning don’t Defend,
Explain, Engage, or take it Personally) or just remove ourself from that
human environment as quickly as possible (No-contact or Gray Rock); and
go to God in prayer. Unfortunately, the human environment includes
your family, work, and/or school environments as well as social media.
Remember the reason why you must remove yourself from this type of
human environment is because it has proven to cause serious brain
damage in people who have been abused. For example, neuroscience
research shows that the Amygdala and Hippocampus parts of the brain are
damaged as they are much smaller in size causing mood changes in
individuals who have a history of childhood and adult abuse as
compared to individuals who have no history of abuse (Price, J.L. and
Drevets, W.C. - 2010).
25
 Part 3
God said come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I
will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

What did you learn from the Part 3 Chapters?

26
Part 4
 Part 4: Discernment: Using God’s Gift to Live a
Christian Life
Knowing God’s Will for your life will change it [Colossians 1: 9-12]

CHAPTER 12 - How to know God’s Will and His Plan for your Life?

Before knowing God’s Will and Plan for your life, you have to know
that our God has already given you success (Genesis 27:20). So,
remember these two (2) facts: 1). You are a TOOL in the hands of God
designed to bless others; and 2). You are supposed to build a strong
Godly life as a child of God preventing the influence of the world or
the evil works of the devil.
Knowing these two (2) facts; and the fact that you were “created in
the image of God,” [Genesis 1:27], you must check the “actions” of
all people within your Human Environment. When checking people’s
“actions” in your life, use your God-given Spiritual Discernment (i.e.
notice the details) to identify and weed out those people who are not
part of God’s Plan for your life.

28
This Survival Guidebook is all about learning the skill and art of
dancing the This and That 2-Step Christian Dance of life!
First Step – You Do This
Second Step – God will Do That
For example, you must take the First Step and “Do” the five Steps
identified on the previous page, which is the “This.” Once you have
taken the First Step, then God will do His Plan, which is the “That.”
Before you know it, you’ll be doing the This and That 2-Step Dance
each day during your faith walk with God.

29
CHAPTER 13 - How do you Discern whether or not a person is a good Christian
or whether or not you are in a Bad Human Environment?

saying in your ears and notice or discern with your eyes and brain

You have to ask yourself, is the person who says he/she/they are a
Christian really walking the Christian walk by living according to
God’s Word? We all know that anybody can say that he/she is a
Christian, but doing the actual Christian walk is very hard to do
without conforming (in some way) to today’s worldly beliefs. So, we
find ourselves doing what is comfortable by “normalizing” abuse even
though that behavior is wrong. For example, what “bad” behavior will
get an easy acceptance from the masses and social media (i.e. how
many “likes” can I get, how many followers/viewers do I have, or how many
“subscribers” can I get if I intentionally hurt another person).
It was Mark Twain who got to the Heart of the matter when he
stated: “You're never wrong for doing the right thing.” However, in
my opinion, “doing the right thing” when something is wrong is often
met with abuse and hurtful push back, which means both courage and
integrity are required when you decide to do the right thing.
30
CHAPTER 14 - How to use your God-given Discernment to Recognize a Bad
person who is not part of God’s Plan?

The Greek philosopher Aesop once stated several thousands of years

ago, “A man is known by the company that he keeps.” Even though
this statement was made thousands of years ago, it still applies today.
So, since you are known by the company that you keep, you must
recognize/discern that a person would be considered a “Bad” person
in any interaction/relationship with you when…
➢ You are not moving forward as a result of a lack of spiritual
growth and personal development between you and the other
person…This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are receiving negative communication on a daily basis, which
means you have “outgrown” the other person’s level of
communication …This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are not being allowed to learn and apply the Word of God in
your life …This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are not learning anything positive or encouraging from the
other person, which means the other person is not adding any value
to your life …This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are introduced to an ungodly Human environment for which
you can’t speak freely about God…This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are not being allowed to be a good steward and serve others
who are in need …This is not part of God’s Plan
➢ You are constantly being distracted from doing the Will of God
…This is not part of God’s Plan

All of the above will be further discussed in Chapter 23.

31
CHAPTER 15 - How to become RESISTANT to Bad people and PROTECT yourself
against the sinful temptations in our worldly Human Environment?

32
 CHAPTER 16 - How do you PREPARE yourself to go against the sinful
temptations and adversity you will face in the worldly Human Environment?

33
 Part 4
Be anxious about NOTHING because through prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God.
Philippians 4:6

What did you learn from the Part 4 Chapters?

34
Part 5
 Part 5: The Core Blockers of Discernment

The human spirit can endure in sickness, but who can survive
a crushed spirit? [Proverbs 18:14]

CHAPTER 17 – What is the Trichotomy, understanding the science behind the

Trichotomy; and how does it work in Discernment?

36
The “Science” behind The Trichotomy; and how The Trichotomy
works in Spiritual Discernment is as follows:
1st - The components of our physical Body (Head with Eyes, Ears & Mouth;
Arms, Legs & Feet) and our Soul (Mind/thoughts, free Will, Emotions -coming from
the Brain) allow us to practice Spiritual Discernment as we begin to
“notice the details” and move forward to do God’s Will. For example,
three components of our Soul (Mind/thoughts, Will, Emotions) will mainly
focus on two (2) parts of the brain… Amygdala (Emotions) and
Hippocampus (thoughts, memory & Learning).

2nd – Discerning the “Spirit” of any person:

Watch/see/discern the Holy Spirit of the person:
The “Fruit of the Holy Spirit”* [Galatians 5:22-23] is clearly being
shown and practiced, which helps you to notice the details as to whether
or not this person has God’s Heart in them.
* Love, Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness,
Gentleness and Self-Control.
OR
Watch/see/discern the Demonic Spirit of the person:
The Demonic Spirit of the person is being shown and practiced as they
continue to focus on themselves with little to no care about others,
being angry and violent with negative words spoken at you and others,
self-serving, intentionally hurtful words used, having a bullying
behavior, and/or yelling at you and others. This behavior starts with
two (2) parts of the brain… Amygdala (Emotions) and Hippocampus
(thoughts, memory & Learning). The behavior allows you to notice the details
because, these actions are clearly showing you that this person has an
evil/hard Heart. So, God says depart from them [Psalms 34:14-16].

37
CHAPTER 18 - The Word of God and its effect on the Trichotomy

38
 CHAPTER 19 - Recognizing the five (5) Spiritual Core Blockers of
Discernment and how they cause a crushed Spirit in a person

Core Wounds are psychological “injuries” that occurred in our

childhood and/or young adult life, which still hurt today when
triggered by another person or familiar situation.
Some examples of psychological “injuries” are…
➢ Bullying
➢ Neglect
➢ Trauma
➢ Abandonment
➢ Abuse

If we want to heal from abuse and do the Will of God, then we must
learn how to treat these types of wounds. So, like all wounds to the
body, with “psychological injuries,” we “air” them out. To “air” out
psychological injuries, we must expose the injuries to our spiritual light.
Personal Application: After several years traveling on the road performing at college
campuses as the “Thornton Sisters” an all-girl R&B band, my sister Jeanette (without
giving notice) left the band and never returned. Jeanette leaving the band created an
immediate “core wound” (psychological injury) in my father and two of my sisters. So, for
several years, no one could speak Jeanette’s name in the house; and no one could talk
to her. That “core wound” of hurt/anger still exists today in those two sisters.
39
Core Values are the by-product of what you and I were taught during
childhood by family members, teachers, social media; and therefore,
they may shift over time.
Some examples of “values” are…
Faith Integrity Success
Family Responsibility Money
Loyalty Beauty Status
Compassion Truthfulness Power
Community (church/neighborhood) Achievement

Core “values” help guide how we work, relate and interact with one
another while we are discerning God’s Will within our human
environment. So, when you watch/discern (i.e. “notice the details”)
regarding a person’s words versus his/her actions, make sure that the
words and actions line-up or match. For example, a person says
he/she is a person of “integrity,” but you often see that same person
being deceitful and/or lying to you and others.
Ask yourself this Question? Since God gave you a “mind” and free
“will” to make decisions, would God want you to be with a person or
group of people whose actions are not lining up with what they are
saying are their core “values”?
A quick way to confirm any person’s core value is to remember…
The Christian talk must match the Christian walk!
Personal Application: Based on the fact that my father had to work two jobs to make
ends meet; and provide for his family, money was tight. So, during my childhood and
most of my adult life, our father “taught” my sisters and I the following “core values” in
order of importance: “Money,” “Power” and “Status”; and when you actually have these
three values, you then will be viewed as achieving another value…”Success.” These
were Daddy’s core values, which are also the core values of all of my older sisters.

40
Core Beliefs are thoughts in a person’s “mind” that something is true
or false. And, these thoughts are based on and strictly guided by their
core “Values.” Beliefs start during childhood; and therefore, are
influenced by family members, teachers, friends and social media.
Core Beliefs act as an “invisible” compass that guides you through life
as you exercise your free “Will ” while you make decisions.
Personal Application: I was told by White faculty members…”Rita you people don’t do
well in science.” This was said to me even though I had a 4.0 GPA at the time.

Core Fears are unpleasant and uncomfortable “emotions” that are

caused by a “belief ” that someone or something is dangerous, painful,
or threatening in your life
Some examples of “fears” are…
Fear of failure Fear of not being loved
Fear of rejection Fear of not being accepted
Fear of being alone Fear of abandonment
Fear of not making someone happy Fear of losing a relationship
Fear of losing financial stability Fear of change that threatens status quo

When discerning God’s Will, our fears can either show us our
limitations, which will force us to stay stuck, or our fears will teach us
about something that we need to overcome or someone we need to
step away from because they’re not adding value to our life. Whether
it’s something we need to overcome or someone we need to step away
from, fears will also teach us that we need to learn how to get unstuck.
Personal Application: Over the years, one of my main fears was the fear of losing my
biological family if I ever spoke out in public about the abuse. My parents and sisters
would tell me and they still tell me… “we don’t air our dirty laundry out in public.” So, my
own ability to “discern” was BLOCKED because, this statement with hurtful actions put me
into a F.O.G. so I could not notice the details. But I defended their actions instead, while
they continued to ignore my personal boundaries as I suffered the abuse in silence. I now
know that I must sing a new song to the Lord and move forward with the fear because,
otherwise I will not show any spiritual growth or personal development.
41
Core Hopes are about having a state of “mind” that is based on
expectations and desires for a certain thing to happen. In many cases,
core hopes are initially introduced by your family; and therefore, may
be tied to your family core “beliefs.”
Some examples of core “hopes” are…
Hope of being successful Hope of pleasing your parents
Hope of getting married Hope of purchasing a home
Hope of having a family of your own Hope of retiring
Hope of going on vacation
Hope of meeting the “right” person for a healthy loving relationship
Hope of having a loving relationship with parents and siblings
Hope of graduating from college, graduate school, professional school
Hope of having a career as a doctor, lawyer, teacher, nurse, etc.

Core “Hopes” are often driven by what you see during your young
adult life and/or what you do not get during that time. So, core
“Hopes” are important because they give you a purpose in life.
However, core “Hopes” can also act as a spiritual BLOCKER that can
prevent you from accurately discerning God’s Will for you because,
you are too focused on making those core “Hopes” come true.
Personal Application: During my childhood and most of my adult life, I was so focused
on making my biological father’s “Hopes” come true for all of his daughters to the extent
that the focus on his “Hopes” served as a spiritual BLOCKER, which prevented me from
accurately discerning my spiritual Father God’s Will for me.
When it came to my own “Hopes,” they were always devalued or ignored by the family.
When I told my father and sisters that my “Hope” was to one day become a lawyer or
teacher, they responded in an insulting manner with the following statements…”Lawyers
are a dime-a-dozen, but a medical doctor is better.” or “You know Teachers are a
dime-a-dozen, but a medical doctor, now that’s the best.” So, off I went to attend
medical school trying to make Daddy happy and his “Hopes” come true.

42
May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace…by the power of
the Holy Spirit [Romans 15:13]

43
 Part 5
When you live right-in-line with God's Word (righteous), cry out
to Him and He will hear you and deliver you from your troubles.
Psalm 34:17

What did you learn from the Part 5 Chapters?

44
Part 6
 Part 6: Tools & Knowledge Needed to Live a
Christian Life
Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character
[1 Corinthians 15:33]

CHAPTER 20 - What Tools & Knowledge do you need to live a Christian Life?

46
 In order to know the Way to go, the Truth to see, and Life that our
Father God wants us to live, you must sharpen your God-given tools
knowing how to skillfully use The Trichotomy (Body, Soul and Spirit)
each day as you protect yourself putting on God’s Armor while you
are at home (if you are in an abusive home environment); and before you
leave home to go to work and/or school.

47
CHAPTER 21 - What are the ABC’s of Christian Living?

48
CHAPTER 22 - How do you win the daily WAR that’s against Christian Living?

God created us to win the WAR within our minds…

Sinful Flesh vs. Holy Spirit

As practicing Christians, we are to use our Body, Soul & Holy Spirit
(The Trichotomy) to address today’s worldly challenges by exercising
our free Will to choose to do the acts of the Holy Spirit of Truth over
choosing to do the sinful acts of the individual Flesh.
Over the years, I have watched how the worldly Human Environment
is slowly and systematically removing God’s presence. This way, it
makes it easier and more comfortable to do the sinful acts of the
Flesh by condoning or justifying any bad behavior such as, abuse.
49
 God created us to win the WAR within our minds…

Sinful Flesh vs. Holy Spirit

Whether we like it or not, there is a daily WAR going on in our minds

that is fighting against Christian values and any thoughts that support
a Christian lifestyle. For example, those people who choose to value
and believe in a Christian lifestyle are usually viewed as being weak
people. Whereas, people showing acts of entitlement with the belief
in their mind that they are better than others (i.e. non-Christian beliefs) are
viewed by the world as being strong and powerful people. So, our
Christian thoughts become damaged and devalued.
50
CHAPTER 23 - What are the five (5) SIGNS that God wants you to
Remove Yourself or Step Away from Someone in your Life?

Use God’s gift of spiritual Discernment to see the SIGNS …

51
1). YOU’RE NOT MOVING FORWARD
➢ In a relationship, someone can intentionally become the reason
you are not moving forward.

➢ You have been made to stay in one place by someone without

you experiencing any signs of moving forward and being
spiritually “uplifted” by that someone.

➢ The person is satisfied with the way things are regarding your
lack of spiritual growth and personal development.
Personal Application: After being at my job for 10 years, all of my male co-workers, who
had less education and experience than myself were promoted ahead of me while I was
not allowed to move forward. When I was finally promoted, I was given a Black female
assistant who got violent and threw a bulk of mail at me. When I asked to have her
transferred, I was told by my White managers… “Rita, you need to stay her supervisor.” I
later found out the other supervisors (all White males) didn’t want this violent employee.
So, for my safety and personal development, I had to transfer myself to another Bureau.

2). RECEIVING NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION

➢ “Communication” is the free Will in any relationship. So, when
someone is communicating negative words in your life, that is a
sign you’ve outgrown that person’s level of communication.

➢ When someone uses an inappropriate word system of negativity,

this type of communication does not support the kind of healthy
positive relationship God wants for you.

➢ Since “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” [Proverbs
18:21], receiving negative communication will soon cause death
of your Soul (Will, Mind, Intellect, Imagination, Emotions).
Personal Application: Just a few years ago, I found myself being invited to live with a
family member, who constantly provided negative communication. For example, I would
say the glass was clean and half full and they would say the glass was smeared and half
empty with water spots on the outside. So, being exposed to that kind of constant
discontent and negative human environment, made me feel stuck, not spiritually uplifted,
and not safe. So, I had to move out of their house, seek peace, and start living on my own.
52
3). STOPS THE WORD OF GOD IN YOUR LIFE
➢ Someone who does not let you learn and apply the Word of God
in your life.

➢ Someone who finds no problem in exposing you to “wrong

elements” (i.e. groups of people with bad habits).

➢ Someone who is not producing good fruit like the “Fruit of the
Holy Spirit ”* [Galatians 5:22-23] that will help you to live your
“life more abundantly” [John 10:10].
* Love, Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.

➢ Someone who will not let the Will and Word of God spiritually
grow inside of you.

➢ Someone who allows the devil to use them to turn your

blessings into something without value in the lives of others.

Important Note: Every person you allow in your life should be able to stand for
some great importance in your life. Otherwise, that person will stop you from
achieving the plans that God has for your life; and therefore, making you not
fulfill your destiny as a child of God.

Personal Application: During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was living with a family
member, who proclaimed they were a Christian. So, I typed and printed out bible
scriptures such as, Psalm 91; and posted them in the house. I then prayed each day with
this family member asking God to keep us safe; and to protect our other family members
who were dealing with medical challenges. That family member who owned the house
we were living in, stated they were uncomfortable with the bible scriptures I posted so
they took them down. Shortly thereafter, they started using profanity while hitting me as
they yelled out to me…“Get the F__ out of my house you bible-thumbing B__.” In shock, I
removed myself from the home and didn’t return. But, the very next day, that same family
member texted me asking me to come and help them put their dog into their car… totally
forgetting about their abusive behavior the previous day. (The Axe forgets, but the Tree remembers.)
53
4). YOU’RE NOT LEARNING ANYTHING
➢ Having someone of low understanding and knowledge around
you making you become like that person.
Note: We relate better to those people who allow us to develop and come into our best
form. Therefore, people in your life determine the strength of your knowledge.

➢ You are not learning anything positive or encouraging from that

someone or group of people.

For the life ahead of you, you must learn every day of your life. For
example, when something “good” happens to you, you have to learn
something from that good experience. And, when something “bad”
happens to you, you also have to learn something from that bad
experience. This means, everything in life gives you a lesson to learn
so you can live and develop yourself.
Whenever you are not learning from someone’s life, you are losing
knowledge because, when you are not learning or you stop learning
from someone’s life, then you start to die in your knowledge.
Your life is for you to develop as you help to develop others so that
you can equip yourself strongly for the future. When the reverse
becomes the case, this is a sign that God is telling you to Step Away
from that person or group of people when he/she/they are…
† NOT Profitable to You
† NOT Adding any value to Your life
† NOT Contributing (in a positive way) to Your personal
development
Personal Application: I learned the hard way that when a person (including a family
member) is not adding any Value to your life; and not contributing to your spiritual growth
and personal development, God wants you to remove yourself immediately because,
their core “Value System” is not aligned with God’s Word. So, you love them from a far.
54
5). PROVIDES UNGODLY ENVIRONMENT
➢ When someone’s company (i.e. friends, family members – “Human”
Environment) becomes or reveals that the person or group is living
in an ungodly environment.
“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in
the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers.” [Psalms 1:1]

The company you keep will always show how your life will be. You
make the relationship you keep. So, your words and actions; and your
company must follow the Word of God. When someone in your life is
becoming UNgodly; and the things that the person is doing are not
following the Word of God for your life, then it is a sign that God is
telling you to part ways with that person or group of people.
The Word of God says “bad company corrupts good character.”
[1 Corinthians 15:33] So, you cannot continue to have that someone
or group of people pollute your God-loving life.
The person and/or group of people that God is telling you to remove
yourself from will always be distracting you from achieving the
purpose and Will of God for your life. So, you have to put on your
Shoes of Peace and honor God as you Step Away from this person
and/or group of people.

Personal Application: When I recently moved out of a family member’s home because
I was being abused and didn’t feel safe anymore, I initially felt guilty about what had
happened, thinking should I go back into that ungodly abusive environment because,
after all this person was one of the few biological family members that I had left; and I
didn’t want to lose them too. So, I moved into my own home and went to God in prayer
asking Him to please help me with these feelings of depression, fear, and anxiety.
During my prayer time, I picked up my bible and God directed me to Psalm 34:14, which
states…”Depart from evil, do good, seek and pursue peace.” This scripture gave me
the courage and strength to not look back at what was done, but to move forward and
begin my journey of healing and recovering from the abuse.

55
56
 Part 6
God did not create a spirit of fear, but He did create a spirit of
power, love, and sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

What did you learn from the Part 6 Chapters?

57
Part 7
 Part 7: Using Discernment to Recognize & Recover
from Abusive and Toxic Relationships
As a result, we are no longer to be immature children, tossed here and
there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine by the
trickery of people, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; [Ephesians 4:14]

CHAPTER 24 - How do you know and recognize cunning, crafty, toxic, and
abusive people and their deceitful scheming?

How do you know…

Well, I learned the hard way that you cannot “notice the details” if you
don’t know what “details” you are looking for. So, you must be able to
know what you are looking for. To do this, you first need to go back
to Chapters 22 and 23 to fully review what you would be looking for.
A summarized review of those chapters are as follows:
Chapter 22 identifies what deceitful scheming “Acts” of an Abuser
would be considered cunning, crafty, toxic, and/or abusive.
Chapter 23 identifies what “Human Environment” would be
considered abusive and/or toxic enough that God would want you to
Step Away from that type of environment, which has been created by
people based on their worldly “Value System” and not your Christian
“Value System.”

How do you recognize…

You can only recognize the cunning, crafty, toxic, and/or abusive
actions (i.e. “the details”) when you choose to use The Trichotomy
with God’s gift of spiritual Discernment. But, remember, you cannot
use this gift from God until you remove the spiritual core BLOCKERS of
Discernment, which were discussed in Chapter 19.
59
Deceitful Ungodly Acts vs. Good Godly Acts

60
 Frances, A. (2014). Twilight of American Sanity. Harper-Collins

Question:

Yes or No
Answer: No, but Why? …because of a term known as …
“Suspension of Disbelief.” A poet named Samuel Taylor Coleridge
coined this term back in 1817. But, “Suspension of Disbelief ” in the
world of psychology, is a neuroscientific concept that basically means
you hold-off (suspend) not believing the truth about someone or a
situation while your mind/thoughts and emotions are transported into
an “alternative reality” that makes you feel better about that someone
or that situation (Mueller, M. (2014). Scientific American MIND).
Abused women like myself, experience a suspension of disbelief about
their Abuser(s) (i.e. the ungodly fleshy deceitful people). So, our minds go
into an alternative reality not realizing that the abuse has taken away…
Your Individuality, Your Autonomy, Your Identity, and Your Voice!
61
 CHAPTER 25 - Which two (2) personal Interactions or Relationship Styles
would involve cunning, crafty abusive people exercising their deceitful schemes?

Out of the four (4) Ecological Interactions that exist on Earth today,
the Predator-Prey Interaction/Relationship Style and Parasite-Host
Interaction/Relationship Style are the two (2) personal relationship
styles that would involve cunning and crafty abusive people
exercising their deceitful schemes.
Because these two relationship styles have a “Value System” that is
based on worldly beliefs and not Christian beliefs, the interaction
requires that one species/person dominant and take control over
another species/person. As human beings/mankind, we only have
dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, over cattle, and
over all the earth itself and every creature that crawls upon it.
(Genesis 1:26). Nowhere, does it state that mankind or a human being
has dominion/control over another human being. So, any relationship
between two or more human beings that requires one person to have
dominion/control over another human being violates God’s principles
and His Plan for how we as Christians are to live here on Earth.
Note: To understand and review why these two relationship styles would involve abusive people,
go back and review Part 2 Chapter 6 where these relationship styles are discussed in great detail.

62
CHAPTER 26 - Which personal Interaction/Relationship would involve people
exercising and speaking the Holy Spirit of Truth; and respecting and valuing each
other as they honor God’s Word?

The personal interaction/relationship style that would involve people

exercising and speaking the Holy Spirit of Truth while respecting and
valuing each other would be the Mutual Interpersonal Interaction
/Relationship Style.
As a review, remember a Mutual Interpersonal Interaction
/Relationship Style has one person showing/demonstrating the same
bible-based mutually beneficial Christian Value System as yours.
For example, “Value” is placed on having mutual Respect, Honesty,
Safety, Empathy, Compassion, Trust, Kindness, Gentleness (i.e. making
sure each person feels safe enough to be honest and “share” personal information)
When you are in this type of positive human environment, “Value” is
also placed on truth (i.e. based on biblical truths), honor, harmony, peace,
order, unity, integrity, etc. because, any person who shows these good
Godly “character” traits would be viewed as being STRONG.
Therefore, creating a healthy sustainable relationship because each
person in the relationship would be able to consistently make positive
and healthy contributions on a long-term basis.
In this type of relationship, each person is adding “value” to each
other’s Christian life with both people showing spiritual growth and
personal development… as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:7).

63
 CHAPTER 27 - Is there a benefit(s) to having a personal Interaction or
Relationship Style that involves people working together supporting each other
with God’s love in their Heart? If yes, then what is/are the benefit(s)?

Yes, there are many benefits to having a personal interaction or

relationship style that involves people working together supporting
each other (i.e. a Mutual Interaction /Relationship Style). So, let’s
just name a few benefits of a Mutual Relationship Style…
✓ Allows both people in the relationship to “learn and apply” the
Word of God in their lives
✓ Each person in the relationship is being “spiritually uplifted”
✓ Supports a “healthy” and positive communication between all
people in the interaction/relationship
✓ Encourages mutual “learning that challenges and renews the
mind” of both people in the interaction/relationship
✓ Allows for a solid Godly Human Environment that has a clear
bible-based foundation
✓ Builds up “good character” in each person in the relationship
instead of one person trying to corrupt or tear down the good
character of the other person in the relationship

64
CHAPTER 28 - How do you recover from the cunning and crafty abusive people
and the emotional harm they cause as a result of their deceitful scheming?

Once you “notice the details” using God’s gift of Discernment when it
comes to the person’s abusive behavior/actions and the toxic Human
Environment, know that God also has given you free Will to make a
decision. You can choose to stay in that toxic environment or you can
Step Away from that environment…your choice. But, whatever choice
you make, you must make sure that you honor God in that choice…
is the decision a decision that would honor God’s Word?
If you choose to Step Away from the person and/or toxic environment,
then you would use the five (5) Social Tools identified above to help
you start recovering from the abuse.

65
 Part 7
Don't worry, God knows how to make Everything beautiful in
its own time. (Because everything serves His Plan, just give Him some time).
Ecclesiastes 3:11

What did you learn from the Part 7 Chapters?

66
Part 8
 Part 8: Using Discernment to Finally Break Free from
Abuse or Toxic Relationship Barriers & Trauma Bonds
11
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against
the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the
heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when
the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after
you have done everything, to stand. [Ephesians 6: 11-13]

CHAPTER 29 - Why would God want His people to be spiritually “mature” and
not be spiritual “infants”? [Ephesians 4:12 & 14]

When it comes to recognizing the Abuser and/or a toxic Human

Environment, you have to protect yourself by putting on the full
Armor of God so that when the abuse occurs, you will be able to
stand your ground by believing in your own truth; and not waiting
around hoping that other people will believe that you have been
abused. So, in remembering the African proverb, which states...
“The Axe forgets, but the Tree remembers,” you will never forget the
abuse, but like the Palm Tree, you must weather the storm as you
continue to stand your ground and stand strong.

68
 Being spiritually “mature” means you are living a Christian life applying God’s Word being able to
discern good Godly behavior from bad ungodly behavior in yourself and in other people. This means
you are being righteous as you flourish with strong roots like a Palm Tree [Psalm 92:12].

OR

Being spiritual “infants” tossed back and forth means you are living a Christian life not using your gift of
Discernment, but instead you are seeking to be delighted by your own fleshy sinful desires. As a result,
you become a target to be used by the cunning crafty toxic people and their “deceitful scheming.”

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As practicing Christians, we know God sent His son Jesus to die for
our sins. And, we also know Jesus left us His Holy Spirit of Truth (i.e.
Fruit of the Holy Spirit) to help guide us. So, we can use God’s gift of
spiritual Discernment to show those Fruit in us; and to see or
recognize those Fruit in other people.
Remembering what we consider to be the Fruit of the Holy Spirit
would be the following: Love, Peace, Joy, Patience, Faithfulness,
Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, and Self-control. I believe when we
use our gift of Discernment to demonstrate each Fruit, we become
spiritually mature adults and not spiritual infants. Now, the next
question is... Why would God want His people to be spiritually mature
and not spiritual infants?

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 CHAPTER 30 - What does the word “Deceitful” mean? [Ephesians 4:14]

To paraphrase the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (2020),

there are three (3) characteristics/personality traits of a “Deceitful”
person:
✓ Gives a false presentation of God’s love through lies

✓ Intentionally misleads another person by giving an

untruthful account of his/her actions

✓ Is dishonest and sees other people as “pawns” or “tools” to

be used and controlled at all times

Therefore, to discern “Deceitful scheming” means you would see any

of the following:
➢ A person giving a false presentation to people using lies

➢ A person misleading another person giving untruthful accounts

➢ A person using dishonesty to control another person

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CHAPTER 31 - Would a “Deceitful” person be considered an “Abuser”? Why?

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CHAPTER 32 - What is a “Trauma Bond” in an Abusive or Toxic relationship?

A “Trauma Bond” is a Soul (Mind/thoughts, Emotions, Will, Intellect, Imagination) and

Body (Eyes, Ears, Mouth, internal body organs, Arms, Legs, Feet) connection with
another person based on a pattern of continuous abuse* over time.
*Remember the seven (7) ways a person can be abused

Abused Person Abuser

Trauma BOND

created
when
“Abuse”
targets
the
5-part
Soul
of the
Abused
person

In order to form and strengthen a “Trauma Bond ” in an abusive

or toxic interaction/relationship, the five (5) parts of the Soul
[Mind/thoughts –Emotions –Free Will – Imagination – Intellect] are all
damaged due to the Amygdala and Hippocampus parts of the brain
being targeted and damaged by the abuse (Price, J.L. and
Drevets, W.C., 2010).

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CHAPTER 33 - How is a “Trauma Bond” formed and strengthened through
Abuse and /or “deceitful scheming”? [Ephesians 4:12 & 14]

To first form and then strengthen a “Trauma Bond” there is a lot of

“deceitful scheming” that initially involves lies with empty promises
being made; and then intermittent punishment/stress followed by
rewards. So, how do empty promises, intermittent punishment/stress
and rewards work to form and strengthen the “Trauma Bond”?
When empty promises are made by the “deceitful” person, those
empty promises send “good feelings” to abused person, which trigger
the release of Dopamine and Oxytocin in the abused person; and the first
emotional connection of the “Trauma Bond” is now formed. Dopamine
and Oxytocin are hormones and neurotransmitters made in the brain,
which act as chemical messengers that communicate warm feelings of
pleasure, happiness, arousal, empathy, and trust as well as being involved
with movement and memory.
Later on, after the punishment/stress (abuse) is given intermittently by
the “deceitful” abuser, the stress hormone Cortisol is released in the
abused person’s brain. But, when the abused person hears an “apology”
for that abuse and/or “receives gifts” from the “deceitful” abuser, that
cunning and crafty act by the “deceitful” abuser reinforces a quick
“rush of relief” and “good feelings” which once again trigger the release
of Dopamine and Oxytocin in abused person’s brain. The formed
“Trauma Bond” is then further strengthened when the “deceitful”
abusive person puts the abused person into a F.O.G. condition.
Remember what F.O.G. stands for when it comes to discerning an
abusive behavior. It stands for Fear of… – Obligation – Guilt, which
is a trance/Fog that the Abuser puts their Prey or Host into for the
purpose of having control over the Prey or Host. The bonding in the
Trauma Bond is further strengthened based on Fear-Obligation-Guilt.
To review this information in more detail, go back to Chapter 6.
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CHAPTER 34 - How do you use your Discernment to identify Abuse and/or a
“Trauma Bond” that does not allow you to become who God created you to be?

First you have to realize that in order to “notice the details” you must
first ask God to help you remove the spiritual core BLOCKERS of
Discernment, which you have been probably carrying around with you
for years. To review what are those spiritual core BLOCKERS, go back
to Chapter 19. Once this is done, you will be emotionally free and
mentally able to actually “notice the details” so you can begin using
your God’s gift of spiritual Discernment by cleary watching the
actions of the Abuser and asking yourself the following questions:
1. Is the person showing a Godly behavior or ungodly behavior?

2. Are you seeing the five (5) SIGNS that God wants you to remove
yourself or Step Away from this person and the relationship?

3. Is the person showing you that he/she is a toxic or “deceitful”

abusive person?

4. Are the person’s words and/or actions causing your 5-part Soul
to be negatively affected/abused? For example, their “yelling” at
you and/or using negative comments starts you “crying”… or
you don’t feel good when this person talks to you… or you are
thinking about and/or actually doing bad/sinful things that you
would not do without this person being with you.

5. Are you experiencing constant “Highs” and “Lows” that are

causing you to feel like you’re walking on eggshells…watching
what you say and do so you don’t upset the Abuser. For example,
intermittent rewards given by the Abuser (showing you favor or giving
you gifts) causing the release of the happy hormones Dopamine and
Oxytocin hormones followed by punishments/stress (any type of abuse –
any or all 7 types) causing the release of the stress hormone Cortisol.
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CHAPTER 35 - How do you BREAK Free from an Abusive Relationship and/or
a “Trauma Bond” (5 Steps)

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 Part 8
Depart from evil, and do good; seek and pursue peace.
Psalm 34:14

What did you learn from the Part 8 Chapters?

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 MY STORY - No Cap on
The Ditchdigger’s Daughters

I want to give a special shout-out to the millions of people who have

watched the TV movie “The Ditchdigger’s Daughters” (on YouTube)
and/or read the book by the same name!
After the book and movie were released in 1995 and 1997
respectively, I kept being asked what was it like growing up in such a
powerful close-knit family structure of all girls.
Well, I’m the youngest and the 5th daughter in the family. So, how did
I become the youngest daughter; and the only sister who has the most
years between her and her biological siblings.
Let’s start with my story. After already having 4 girls in the family,
my father convinced my mother to have one more child. She agreed, in
hopes that this time the child would finally be a boy…the long-awaited
son, who my mother wanted to give my father. And, the son my father
always wanted to carry on the “Thornton” family name. I was told by
my mother and father that before I was born, my father jokingly told
my mother “if you give me one more girl, I’m coming up to the
hospital with a bucket of water and I’m going to drown it!”
When I was born premature, my father came to the hospital without
the bucket of water, but with feelings of disappointment because I was
not the boy and the son he had always wanted.
Here I was the 5th girl born into a strong family system of
pseudomutuality, and not being the “boy” child my parents always
wanted. When I got older, my mother told me that she had trouble
giving birth to me and that is why I was born premature, weighing
about 5 pounds, and needing to be placed in an incubator for weeks in
the hospital not being held by anyone.
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Those who watched “The Ditchdigger’s Daughters” movie and/or
read the book, know that my father now having 5 girls and No son,
always wanted for his girls to become “medical” doctors so they
would be respected and save lives! But that would take a lot of money,
which he didn’t have. My mother and father thought it would be a
good idea to form an all-girl band playing musical instruments and
singing on the weekends making money for college and medical
school. So, my oldest sister Donna chose the tenor saxophone, my
sister Jeanette chose the electric guitar, Yvonne chose the alto
saxophone, and Linda chose the drums. My sisters were originally
known as the “Thornettes,” and performed on The Ted Mack Amateur
Hour. But, when I was old enough to play an instrument, I was not
allowed to choose my musical instrument like my older sisters because
the band needed a piano/keyboard player to round out the R&B sound.
So, my father “assigned” me the keyboard and gave me piano lessons.
Well, off we went as the “The Thornton Sisters” traveling for the next
17 years, my father, mother, 4 older sisters and myself traveling all
over the country performing at the famous Apollo Theater and college
campuses along the east coast. I loved those weekends because I was
with my parents and sisters! We were publicly seen as one big happy
family…sometimes referred to as the modern version of the famous
“von Trapp” family or the female version of the “Jackson Five.”
Growing up in poverty, coming from the projects in Long Branch,
New Jersey, all of my sisters and I worked very hard trying to please
our father, each of us wanting desperately to make our father’s dream
come true…having all of his daughters become “medical” doctors.
So, growing up focusing on Daddy’s purpose, led to the core family
belief (that still exists today), which is…if you do not become a
“medical” doctor, then you are not smart enough, not good enough;
and therefore, you are a failure and will be treated less than because,
after all …you’re not a “real” doctor if you’re not a “medical” doctor.
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Being the 5th daughter in a family of all girls seeking our father’s
approval, I grew up chasing after my father’s dream…going to
medical school thinking once I became the “medical” doctor, I would
get love and approval from my father and sisters. So, over the years, I
was trained to become a people-pleaser, who looked to my family and
others to get approval, unconditional love, and my happiness.
One question you might be asking right now is “Where is God and
Jesus in this story?”
Answer: Nowhere, because during the early years of my life, I was too
busy focusing on the purpose that my biological father and sisters had
for my life; and not focusing on my spiritual Father’s purpose for my
life until I withdrew from medical school, daddy died, and I started
getting sick with one life-threatening medical problem after another…
✓ Diagnosed with Lupus

✓ Suffered from a pulmonary embolism

✓ Suffered from two strokes

✓ Diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer

During each of these medical problems, I prayed “Psalm 91” asking

God through Jesus, to please help me because, I just couldn’t do this
by myself. So, I added in my prayer a promise…. “God, if you get me
through this, every day you give me to live, I’ll dress every day like
there’s No tomorrow; and on Sundays, I’ll specially dress-up like I’m
coming to see You ...Father God…the King of all Kings!”
Well, here I am, writing this Christian Survival Guidebook, still alive
as a Lupus patient, who survived a pulmonary embolism, two strokes,
and Ovarian Cancer (16 years cancer-free)…Why?

80

.
Why would God bring me through all of those medical problems?
Well, according to my family and some people in this world, I should
be dead because, I am weak with “No Value.” Even though I have a
law degree, and a Ph.D., in their minds and actions, when it comes to
me (Dr. Rita L. Thornton), I’m still weak with “No Value” and
therefore, I should be abused and treated less than others because …
✓ I’m was not born a boy/the son to carry-on the family name
✓ I was not chosen as the golden child in the family
✓ I was assigned the role of being the scapegoat in the family
✓ I’m still not a “real” doctor (quoted by my sisters)
✓ I only suffered “a mild case of Ovarian Cancer” (quoted by my sisters)

✓ I’m not smart enough to earn a Ph.D. degree in any science

✓ I’m pretty for a dark-skinned Black woman
So, why would God save me? I believe He saved me because, now
I’ve been given this opportunity to write this Christian Survival
Guidebook and publicly reach out to all of you who have been abused
(in one way or another) or made to feel “Devalued” or “Not Valued”
in this world just because of “labels” people have placed on you.
However, in my Faith walk with God, I now know that your “Value”
doesn’t come from any “labels” your family or other people place on
you, like you’re not good enough, you’re not the boy your parents
wanted, or you’re not a real doctor. As the 5th Ditchdigger’s daughter
and the 5th sister in the Thornton Sisters band, I learned that the
number “5” in biblical terms means “God’s Grace.” So, being born
with “God’s Grace,” I’m here to let you know that you were created by
God in His image, which means you have the power to live your life
FREE from abuse by changing people’s “labels” into God’s “labels”
because with God through Jesus…You are a Conquer! an Overcomer!
And, I’m alive today to reveal the fact that God’s Way is the Only Way
to truly FREE yourself from abuse.
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 RESOURCES
Listed in Alphabetical Order

American Psychological Association. (2011). Reflecting on Narcissism

Berg, E. (2017). Arthur TruLuv. Random House
Clayton, I. (2022). Believing Me, My Own Voice Publishing
Durvasula, R. (2015). Should I Stay or Should I Go?. Post Hill Press
Durvasula, R. (2020 – 2023). YouTube Videos -Narcissistic Healing Program
Donaldson-Pressman, S., & Pressman, R.M. (1997). The Narcissistic Family:
Diagnosis and Treatment. Jossey-Bass
Gholamipour F., et. al. Prediction of Pathological Narcissism Based on
Family System: The Mediating Role of Narcissistic Wounds and
Perfectionism. J Mazandaran Univ Med Sci. 2017; 27 (151):117-129
Hammond, C. (2019). Twelve (12) Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist
Holy Bible. (2018). Christian Art Publishers
Johnson, E.B. (2021). This is How Narcissistic Families Hide Their Abuse.
Practical Growth. https://medium.com
Jones, K.P. (2020). The Four Types of Love: Some are Healthy, Some are
not. NewsWise. Univ Utah Health
Osteen, J. (2021). Peaceful on Purpose. FaithWorks
Osteen, J. (2022). Your Greater is Coming. FaithWorks
Price, J.L. and Drevets, W.C. (2010). Neurocircuitry of Mood Disorders.
Neuropsychopharmacology
Simon, G. (2010). In Sheep’s Clothing – Revised. Parkhurst Brothers, Inc.
Sincero, J. (2017). You are a Bad Ass. Running Press – Hachette Book Group
Stover, M. (2003). An Overview of Family Systems Approaches to Library
Management. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.cun.edu
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 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my loving parents The Late Donald and Itasker Thornton, who

brought me into this world, I thank you so much for being the best
parents you could be considering what you had to work with in regard to
education and money. Because we were never open and free to discuss
abuse in the home; and we were too poor to afford therapy, you had to
keep hidden your own personal narcissistic core wounds from the past.
But, you brought them into your marriage and unfortunately, those same
core wounds were reinforced in our family system.*
To my Best Friends Forever (BFF) Sherman McClendon, Marlene
Harper, and Ann Zeloof, Esq., who were there for me through the highs
and the lows…especially the lows, I thank you. We can’t choose our
biological family members. So, I consider you my Real Family. Unlike
the biological family, a Real Family comes from the choices we make
about who we want to be bound to; and the ties to such Real family
members live in our Hearts (Berg, E. 2017. p. 200).
Since I was emotionally and mentally abused for so many years at home,
at work, at church, and schools, I learned to “normalize” that abuse just
to be accepted. Always being told to “be the bigger person” in the
abusive relationship, mentally programmed me to go along to get along.
But, as for my BFFs, you showed me another way to live, which aligns
with God’s Word; and how to finally experience God’s peace in my life.
To Pastor Joel Osteen, who I have watched deliver inspirational
messages for the past 15 years, please accept a heartfelt thank you for
those messages and your agape love, which never fails to lift me up
when I am down. You are a beacon of light which gives people like me,
hope for a healthy today with an expectation for a greater tomorrow!
* The family system affects the incidence of unhealthy personality traits such as, pathological narcissism.
The research concluded that the family system is negatively impacted directly and indirectly by way of
reinforced narcissistic wounds and negative perfectionism (Gholamipour, F., et.al., 2017).

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To the overall Christian community of people who have been abused,
please go to God in prayer; and to the Christian licensed mental health
professionals (like Shevon Peet), thank you for believing our stories of
abuse when no one else would. Teaching us when and how to remove
ourselves from abusive environments because, deep down in our Hearts
we know our Father God wants something better for us. So, now that I
have given you His Way, I want you all to live your life being equipped
with the Hearts Ablaze Playbook of knowledge about the different
types of abuse, the “science” behind the abuse, Spiritual Discernment,
and the Christian tools you need to use and practice if you are going to
successfully seek and pursue God’s peace and joy every day!
To my heavenly Father God above, I thank you for carrying me through
the many medical challenges that I experienced over the years as well as
the COVID-19 pandemic; and for giving me the time to grieve the loss of
my sister Jeanette. The many years of silently enduring the narcissistic
abuse at home, at work, at church, and at my schools ended up burning a
huge hole in my Heart, which I now realize can only be filled by You.
Only you know how difficult this is for me, but I will press on putting
my trust in you and making Your High Place my Dwelling. In doing this,
I give you all the honor as I thank you for giving me the strength and
courage to not only speak out against abuse, but to also provide a
Christian tool to help others recognize/discern the abusive tactics that
are being used so they too can take a stand and protect themselves.
So, I hope people remember, if you truly want to FREE yourself from
abuse, then you must have faith knowing in your Heart these four facts...
1). You have a personal and legal right not to be abused
2). You have a God-given right to experience His Joy and Peace in life
3). God has a Plan for You
4). Mirroring God’s Way of seeing You is the Only Way for You to see
yourself
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 Epilogue
God’s Way Is The Only Way because His Word states…

EPHESIANS 4: 22-24

22
You’re taught to put off your old way
of life because, it is being corrupted by
its own deceitful desires;

23-24
and to put on a new way of life
with a new attitude of thinking that’s
right in line with God…true righteousness.

THE HOLY BIBLE - NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (2021)

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