F RAI Ri ‘The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman: This shy passive man should not be selling vacuums. He is not very good at it. He wears glasses, dresses like a failure and looks rather meek. ‘Tiger: A thirty-ish fellow who is either a stereo-typical jerk ora sensitive, mixed up man searching for meaning. Probably the former, though. ‘Susan: Tiger's wife, she is every bit his equal in her capac- ity for deceit. But she’s better at covering her tracks and is more calculatingly cool. Does she have a soft center? jusan’s unmarried sister, a loyal, honest, decent, lying, cheating woman with an extra ingredient—cayenne. Rudolpho: A UPS delivery man who is good-looking, charm- ing, suave, slimy and chicken. He pretends to be in control, but usually generally just jumps in his truck and drives away. ‘Kate: A UPS delivery woman, she’s loveable, spacey and maybe just a little scary. If aliens landed in her yard, she would probably abduct one of them. Brian: A volatile, desperate, slightly feminine man who is tottering on the proverbial edge. He can have two or three extreme mood changes in a single sentence. NOTE: These characters are like a box of filled candies; hard on the outside, and soft on the inside. Of course some of them might be nuts. The Marriage Counselor's office The presentACTI Scene 1 (SETTING: The marriage counselor's office. There are three chairs upstage, There is a small table by the center chair, with a stapler, a pen, and some paper on it.) (MUSIC CUE: Act I Intro.) (AT RISE: The stage is empty.) (THE VACUUM GUY enters, looks around sheepishly, disap- pears, The VACUUM GUY re-enters hauling vacuum equip- ‘ment, He does a tiny bit of setup, then takes out « ziplock bag with dirt, drops some nonchalantly on the floor. He waits. Intro music finishes. Looks at his watch. He waits some more. Finally he sits in the center chair. Suddenly TIGER and SUSAN enter, both are furious. TIGER and SUSAN storm over to THE VACUUM GUY, stand on ei- ther side of him, glaring at each other viciously and breath- ing heavily. THE VACUUM GUY is uncertain, Finally, he stands. He looks from one to the other. They both look at him, He sits They continue glaring. THE VACUUM GUY stands again.) ‘THE VACUUM GUY. I think— TIGER and SUSAN. (Together.) 78 THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TIGER. She is impossible, totally, totally impossible. I can’t stand living with her for another hour, another minute. I'm losing my hair I'm so upset. It's coming out in big hunks. I'm getting constipated, And it’s all her fault. SUSAN. I can’t take anymore of this. He is an insensitive, self-centered jerk. I've tried, believe me,’ ve ried, my mother says don’t give up, don’t give up, but of course she’s already divorced. I’ve had enough. I have. It’s all his fault. TIGER and SUSAN. (Together.) See what I mean? ‘TIGER. She shaves her legs with my razor, my razor, the one I use on my face! SUSAN. He shaves his face with my razor, my razor, the one I use on my legs! TIGER and SUSAN. (Together.) It’s unsanitary. TIGER, She leaves her dirty underwear ail over the house! SUSAN. He clips his fingernails in the living room! ‘TIGER. She eats potato chips in bed. And she won’t share. SUSAN. That's because you're getting fat. TIGER. Me? I’m getting fat? SUSAN. I'm glad you agree. ‘TIGER and SUSAN. (Together) TIGER. Do you see? Do you see? SUSAN. He is totally unreasonable! SUSAN. Maybe we should try to speak one at a time. TIGER. Na nana na na nana. SUSAN. Don’t be such a child. TIGER. Don’t be such a ... virus. SUSAN. Virus? I'm a virus? Athlete’s foot. TIGER. You can’t call me athlete’s foot. SUSAN. Athlete's foot. TIGER. You take that back! SUSAN. Did that hurt your feelings? TIGER. A little. SUSAN. I take it back, Hemorrhoid. TIGER. You can’t call me hemorrhoid. SUSAN. Hemorrhoid.‘THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 9 TIGER. Look, do you want to do this, or what? I could just walk out of here! You wanted to come to a marriage counse- lor, I agreed, as usual I gave in— SUSAN. (Interrupts.) Ho ho ho! You gave in! You never give in! Your stubbornness is the cause of every problem we have. TIGER. My stubbornness? I’m stubborn? SUSAN. I’m glad you finally admit it. TIGER. Do you see the way she twists things? SUSAN. I didn’t twist anything. TIGER. She does it all the time. It's like living with a giant squid. Did that hurt your feelings? SUSAN. No. TIGER. Squid. Squid! (SUSAN shrugs.) Do you see, do you see what she does? SUSAN. It’s not my fault you're not as smart as I am. TIGER. Oh, I am, I am. It's just that you're cold and I’m sensitive. SUSAN. You mean stupid. TIGER. No I mean sensitive. SUSAN. No, you mean sensitive. TIGER. No, I mean stupid. You're the sensitive one. I’m the stupid one. (TIGER realizes what he’s said. SUSAN smiles at him.) SUSAN. Why don’t we start at the beginning? TIGER. We don’t have time to start at the beginning. We're paying this bozo, aren’t we? (To the VACUUM GUY.) Sorry. SUSAN. Two hundred dollars an hour. ‘TIGER. I take that sorry back. SUSAN. I'll go first. TIGER. Why do you get to go first? And don’t pull that “if you were a gentleman” garbage. You want equal rights, I'll give you equal rights. I’m going first. SUSAN. Fine.10 ‘THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TIGER, Wait a minute. You manipulated this whole thing so I'd go first. (SUSAN smiles.) I'm not going first. SUSAN. Fine, [ will. TIGER. Do you see, do you see what she does? She wanted to go first all along but she wanted me to suffer first. SUSAN. Somebody has to go first. TIGER. Not me. SUSAN. Then I will TIGER. No I want to. SUSAN. Me. TIGER. Me. SUSAN. Me. TIGER. Me. SUSAN. Me. TIGER. Me. Do you see how childish she is? SUSAN. Me? TIGER. Yes you. SUSAN. What about you? TIGER. How about me. SUSAN. Alll right, you go first. TIGER. Ob ho, no way, not now. You're only doing this to try and make me look bad. SUSAN. You don’t need any help. TIGER. You go first. SUSAN. Alright. TIGER. See how she twists things? She always gets what she wants. SUSAN. You just told me to go first. TIGER. You made me. SUSAN. How? TIGER. How what? SUSAN. How? TIGER. Now she's pretending she can’t speak English. SUSAN. This is costing two hundred dollars an hour. TIGER. I'll go first. SUSAN. We've never—THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR i TIGER. (Continuing.) Been to a marriage counselor— SUSAN. (Continuing.) Before— TIGER. (Continuing.) But— SUSAN. (Continuing.) We thought we should try it. TIGER. We've tried everything else. SUSAN. We really have. TIGER. Role playing. SUSAN. Self-help books. TIGER. Self-help videos. SUSAN. Self-help seminars. TIGER. Acupuncture. SUSAN. Talking to friends. TIGER. Hypnosis. SUSAN. Talking to psychics. TIGER. Prostitutes. (Silence.) TIGER. Did I say prostitutes? | meant to say Protestants. Protestants. Talking to Protestants. SUSAN. Relatives. TIGER. Talking to Catholics. SUSAN. Clergymen. TIGER. Going to the houses of Jehovah's Witnesses. SUSAN. My doctor. ‘TIGER. The garbage man. SUSAN. Lawyers. (Silence.) Did I say lawyers? TIGER. I, I think you did, Have you been to a lawyer? SUSAN. Have you been to a prostitute? TIGER. Don’t be silly! What would I go to a prostitute for? I mean I know what I go to a prostitute for, I mean, I haven't been to one, but I’ve seen pictures. I mean I haven’t seen pictures, I just heard about it from a friend of mine, who Thaven’t seen in seventeen years, and I haven't had! any con- tact with since. It was before I even met you. Have you been toa lawyer?12 THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR SUSAN. Yes. TIGER. (Screaming.) Ahhh! SUSAN, But.... he was a small lawyer. He only came up to here. TIGER. What does that have to do with anything? SUSAN. Nothing. TIGER. Don’t you dare! SUSAN. Don’t I dare what? TIGER. You know what I'm talking about. SUSAN. No I don’t. TIGER. Sure, sure, as soon as we get in front of another ‘man you have to bring it up. SUSAN. Bring what up? TIGER. You know! SUSAN. No I don’t. TIGER. The size of my lawyer. SUSAN. What? TIGER. Ho ho ho ho ho. Briefs. Legal briefs. Lawyers. SUSAN. You brought it up. TIGER. You made me. She twists everything! Makes me say all sorts of outrageous things! SUSAN. I don’t make you say anything. TIGER. Oh yes you do. We need help. SUSAN. Desperately. TIGER. Were you in the middle of cleaning or something? SUSAN. Maybe we should start at the beginning. TIGER. All the way back to the beginning? At four dollars a minute? This is more expensive than phone sex. Not that T've ever done it. I had a friend, 1 haven't spoken to him in years, he used to do, and no I didn’t watch. He just told me about it. Not on the phone. It was seventeen years ago, before Teven met you. SUSAN. So that’s what those calls on the phone bill were. TIGER. What calls? SUSAN. All those thirty second ones. TIGER. I have no idea what you're talking about.THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 13 SUSAN. (To the VACUUM GUY.) Are we hopel2ss? What do you think? TIGER. I think I want to go home. SUSAN. Afier we fought all day, after we fought all the way here in the car, and all through our nice lunch, you want to just walk home and waste all that we've accomplished to- day? TIGER. Did you say walk home? SUSAN. We're finally here, at a marriage counselor's. We've been talking about coming since our honeymoon. TIGER. You did say walk home, didn’t you? SUSAN. This is a major accomplishment for us. We're here, actually in the marriage counselor's office. We just have to reach out and touch him, (SUSAN does. The VACUUM GUY reacts.) TIGER. Stop that! (Removing SUSAN’s hands from VACUUM GUY.) That’s sexism! Why couldn't we have a fe- male counselor? SUSAN. You know why! TIGER. No I don’t! SUSAN. Because you wouldn't listen to anything she'd say. You'd just stare at her body, like you do to every other ‘woman. TIGER. You did say walk home, don’t deny it now! SUSAN. I took the car keys out of your pocket in the el- evator on the way up. TIGER. I wondered what that tingling was. Why did you take them? SUSAN. Just in case this doesn’t turn out. Just in case he turns out to be just another stupid man. I know the way you men hang together. ‘TIGER. Give him a chance. He hasn't even said anything yet. And what did you mean, just another stupid man? SUSAN. What do you think?14 THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TIGER. I have no idea. SUSAN. And I am giving him a chance. And I'm giving you this last chance. And then I’m keeping the car. TIGER. Well, as long as you’re being open-minded about it SUSAN. Can we get on with this? TIGER. Hey, I’m not the one holding things up. SUSAN, Oh, it’s all my fault. TIGER. Okay. SUSAN. Can we start at the beginning? TIGER. Alright. Do you want to go first? See, see, I'm trying, I’m trying to be polite, I’m trying to make this work. I'm trying. I'll go first. Unless you want to go first. SUSAN. Go ahead. TIGER. One night a long time ago, when my mother was really drunk, my father lured her behind the tool shed— SUSAN. (Interrupts.) Not that beginning! You don’t have to start at conception. TIGER. I think it explains a lot. SUSAN. Tiger, I'll go first. TIGER. Are you sure? SUSAN. Yes, I'm sure. TIGER. Alright. But don’t start with the barbecue. SUSAN. I won't. TIGER. Don't. SUSAN. I said I wouldn't. You see, my sister Jeanine is like my best friend, and she said you don’t get out enough, you don’t date enough, and so she took me to this barbecue— TIGER. (Interrupting.) She’s starting with the barbecue! SUSAN. I have to start with the barbecue! TIGER. You said you wouldn't! SUSAN. How can I not start with the barbecue? TIGER. I wasn’t going to start with the barbecue. SUSAN. I have to! TIGER. No you don’t! You don’t have to do anything. That's what you always tell me. I don't have to listen to you.‘THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 15 I don’t have to do the dishes. I don’t have to dress up like a nurse. Oh, I guess that’s getting kind of personal. SUSAN. But the barbecue is the beginning of us. ‘TIGER. You don’t have to start at the beginning. If you really wanted to work things out you wouldn’t be starting at the beginning. SUSAN. Where do you want me to start then? TIGER. How about after the barbecue? Never mind. Just never mind. I'll go first. She's having an affair! SUSAN. Tiger! TIGER. What? You don’t want me to tell strangers? You want me to lie to him? What's the point in coming here and paying two hundred dollars an hour if we're going; to lie to him? (To the VACUUM GUY.) Do you take credit cards? SUSAN. I'm not having an affair. TIGER.. That’s what she says. Well, let me tell you— SUSAN. (Interrupts. Tiger! TIGER. Quiet woman! It’s my turn, it's my turn and for once in my life I'm going to take my twrn and talk when it’s my turn to talk! I forgot what I was going to say. SUSAN. Maybe we'd better go back to your mother and father behind the shed. TIGER. Now I remember! I remember. Let me ask you, how many times a week does UPS come to your house? I mean your office? Once maybe? Twice? They come every- day, everyday to my house, when I’m at work and she's, she’s home alone in her bathrobe. Five days a week! SUSAN. I order a lot of books. TIGER, She's sleeping with every UPS man in the coun- try! They're probably taking tums and fighting over who gets to come to my house. People are dying because the medicines they need are sitting in my driveway, getting cold. The whole UPS company is going to fold. Fold. And then no one will be able to communicate and the whole country will fall apart. ‘The South will secede again, and the North will join up with Canada, and the center part will sink into the very bowels of16 ‘THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR the earth. Oh, the politicians will be happy, they'll be with their friends, but the rest of us, the rest of us ... It’l] be civil war! All because she likes men in ugly uniforms. SUSAN. Wait a minute— TIGER. (Inierrupts.) No! No! No! No! No! No! I don’t want to listen to your lies. What’s the point in parading them through here? I told the truth. That is the whole true story, and that’s why I didn’t want to come here. There is no point. We have no future. How can we have one? SUSAN, May I speak? It’s true that I have thought about other men, but I think that’s normal. TIGER. I’ve never thought about other men. SUSAN, I've been faithful. It’s true that I find a man in uniform irrestible, but I have been faithful. I’ve just been or- dering a lot of books. TIGER. Do you believe that? Do you? Tell him, you tell him what these books of yours are about! SUSAN. Romances. TIGER. Exactly! Exactly! Romances! About men in uni- form! And about men out of their uniforms! SUSAN. I wouldn't be fantasizing about other men if you loved me! TIGER. | did love you! SUSAN. He never wanted me. He wanted my sister. TIGER. Oh, we're back to the barbecue again! Can’t we leave the barbecue behind us? I love you, but I'm going to strangle you if you don’t stop talking about that barbecue! SUSAN. We went to a barbecue— ‘TIGER. (Interrupts.) She doesn’t ever listen, do you see, do you see, never listens to me. Is it any wonder that I... SUSAN. Is it any wonder that you ... what? TIGER. Is itany wonder that ... Ican't finish my sentences? SUSAN. I went to the barbecue with my sister Jeanine. TIGER. Ah! Ah! Ah! Abbhhhhh! SUSAN. Are you finished yet? ‘TIGER. One more. Ah!THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 17 SUSAN. Jeanine and I are like best friends, or we were then. TIGER. I don’t want to hear about the barbecue! SUSAN. Plug your ears. (TIGER plugs his ears, SUSAN turns to TIGER.) We have to talk about it. The fact that you don’t want to talk about it shows that we need to talk about it. TIGER. What? (He unplugs his ears.) No we don't. SUSAN. Tiger was already at the barbecue. He started talk- ing to us, my sister and I, we were standing side by side. Tiger said will you go out with me? I couldn’t believe it. I said yes. But he wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to Jeanine. He was asking Jeanine. TIGER. It’s not true, it’s not true. Look at me, ‘would you? T’'m anormal, ugly, boring, stupid, repulsive man. I was ask- ing both of them. I was asking everybody. I asked trees and mailboxes. I asked my mother once but she got my Dad after me. SUSAN. He was asking Jeanine. He didn’t want to go out with me. TIGER. Okay, okay, it's true I was more attrected to her sister, but I was a little drunk, and Jeanine kept laughing at everything I said and she wasn’t wearing a Tee-shirt that said, “T hate everything”. SUSAN. You said you liked that tee-shirt! TIGER. I do, I do, it’s just so ... unbeer-commercialish, SUSAN. So Tiger took me out on a date. TIGER. I took her someplace nice. SUSAN. He took me fishing. TIGER. It was a nice boat. SUSAN. I fell in the water. TIGER. Never touched her! SUSAN. He nudged me a little bit but I thought he was being romantic, not trying to push me out of the boat. TIGER. Do we have to talk about this? SUSAN. What would you rather talk about? The barbe- cue? You pushed me out of the boat.Ha 1B THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TIGER, Alright, alright, the truth is I was passing a little bit of gas and I was moving around to try {o hid it, you know, everybody does it. I guess maybe I could have nudged her a Tittle bit. SUSAN. I can’t swim. TIGER. I saved her though, I saved her! I could have let her drown. Who would have known? SUSAN. All those people watching. And laughing. There must have been thirty or forty of them. TIGER. Besides them. SUSAN. He scooped me out with his big fish landing net. TIGER. She bent the frame too. I had to buy a new net. Those nets aren’t cheap. SUSAN. He tried to give mouth to mouth, But I wasn’t having trouble breathing. TIGER. Can't blame a guy for trying. SUSAN. He chipped my tooth with his tooth. TIGER, I was nervous. SUSAN. He chipped my front tooth, this one right here. (SUSAN shows THE VACUUM GUY) TIGER. It hurt me too, it hurt me too! (TIGER shows THE VACUUM GUY.) SUSAN. Did you chip your tooth? TIGER. Not exactly. SUSAN. You mean “no”. TIGER. Yes I mean no. SUSAN. He felt so guilty, he asked me out again. TIGER. How do you know I felt guilty, you're inventing feelings and putting them into my mouth. SUSAN. Did you feel guilty? TIGER. Of course I felt guilty. I pushed her into sewer water, hit her over the head with a landing net and chipped herTHE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 19 tooth. The least I could do was to ask her out again, SUSAN. Guilt dates. TIGER. There was more to it than that. SUSAN. What? TIGER. ... stuff. SUSAN. He took me pheasant hunting. TIGER. (Uneasy.) I’m an outdoorsy kind of guy. SUSAN, He shot me in the rear end. TIGER. I said I was sorry! It was a light load. She only got a couple of shotgun pellets. SUSAN. Forty-two! The doctor counted as he dug each one out. I should’ ve known then. TIGER. She bent over— SUSAN. (Interrupis.) To tie my shoe— TIGER. (Interrupts.) And something that looked like a pheasant landed on her butt. I mean her rear end. SUSAN. We never did find the bird. TIGER. I think it got trampled into the dirt when you were Jumping up and down screaming and calling me vile names. SUSAN. I don’t think there ever was a bird. TIGER. Lust go around shooting women in the butt, right? SUSAN. Ithink you were staring at me. TIGER, I was not staring at you. SUSAN. I think you were staring at me rear end and then you got excited and accidentally shot your load. TIGER. That bird could have attacked you! SUSAN. So you shot me to protect me! TIGER. Okay! SUSAN. He felt really guilty after that. TIGER. Of course I felt guilty! I shot her. I'd be a horrible person if I didn’t feel guilty for shooting someone! SUSAN. So he asked me to go away with him to a cabin. TIGER. Can’t we talk about something else? SUSAN. We were cutting firewood. TIGER. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about the barbecue,20 THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR SUSAN. He cut three of my toes off. TIGER. It was a bad axe, it wasn't my fault, there was something wrong with the axe! SUSAN. I can’t wear open-toed shoes anymore. TIGER. | said I was sorry. SUSAN. So he proposed to me. ‘TIGER. I cut her toes off, what was I supposed to do? Sorry about your toes, see you later? SUSAN. We got married. You probably think I’m stupid, but I didn’t see then that he was motivated by guilt. I thought he really liked me for who I was. TIGER. And I did. SUSAN. And what did you like about me? TIGER. ... stuff! SUSAN. He really wanted me sister Jeanine. TIGER. It’s not true, it’s not true! SUSAN. But he never did anything to her. And she knew he wanted her. I think she wanted him too. TIGER. That's ridiculous! SUSAN. After we got married she stopped phoning me. She never comes for visits. No Christmas cards. And she just lives a few blocks away. TIGER. She hates me. Isn’t it obvious that her sister hates me? Can't stand the sight of me! Any person in their right mind avoids me. SUSAN. My sister loves me and she doesn’t want to ruin my marriage. So she’s stayed away these past six years. Afraid that just the sight of her would tempt him inti TIGER. Into what? SUSAN. Adultery. TIGER. That’s ridiculous! That’s insane! What's adultery? SUSAN. You never wanted me. Only Jeanine, ‘TIGER. No, I’m a jerk and Jeanine knows it, That’s why she stays away. Just like your mother. SUSAN. You punched mother. TIGER. It was an accident. She hit me first!Hungry for More? Buy the full script and explore other titles www.samuelfrench.com www.samuelfrench-london.co.uk Find us.on Facebook Tiles are subject to svalbility depending on your territory.