WO R K B O O K

BOUNDARIES &
FAMILY OF ORIGIN
 Do you ever have difficulty drawing boundaries with the humans who
raised you (or your parental impactors, as I like to call them)?

There’s no doubt that plenty of you are nodding your head yes. No
matter your age, it can be incredibly challenging to make the transition
from your parental impactors as the authority in your life to you as the
authority.

Have you ever gone home for a visit and suddenly you feel like you’ve
stepped into a time machine and you find yourself reacting as your
younger self?

What I’ve found over many years in my psychotherapy practice is that

even though we might be pretty confident setting boundaries and being
self-determined in other areas of our lives, we can still struggle with
exercising our boundary rights within our family of origin.

Your job as a grownup is to set boundaries that work for you and your
adult life, and often, our family of origin and our parental impactors, in
particular, are like the final boundary frontier to master.

Why is it so hard to draw boundaries with your childhood caregivers

when you’re obviously already way grown-up?

Parents have their own limitations and relationships to boundaries.

They are human just like the rest of us. If they aren’t respecting your
boundaries, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have bad intentions. They
might be simply oblivious or so identified with their role as a parent that
they cannot see clearly.

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 Just like you and me, our parents each have their own boundary
blueprints. That is, the collection of past experiences, family and cultural
expectations, beliefs, and stories that shape their behavior in relation to
boundaries in the present.

While it is not your job to teach your parents how to navigate their
own boundaries, it IS your responsibility to learn how to effectively
communicate and assert your boundaries with them.

Disordered boundaries between adult children and parents are caused

by an array of circumstances and experiences and they can be altered
and improved.

Let’s take a look at some of the causes of disordered parent/child

boundaries.

Some parents’ identities are too dependent on parenting and they don’t
know how to move to the next phase of development in their own life.

In a healthy family dynamic, parents transition as their children grow up

and can relate differently at each stage of development, from baby to
child, from teenager to adult.

Perennial parents don’t make the transition. If your parents are constantly
judging you, are intrusive, interfering, or have unrealistic expectations,
you might have a perennial parenting situation. There is a high price to
pay for both parent and adult child in a stunted parent/child dynamic.

When a parent centers themselves in their adult child’s life, resentment builds.

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 Instead of fostering love, it fosters obligation and fear. If you are the adult
child in this situation, gently and lovingly setting boundaries with your
parent one small step at a time IS possible.

Here are some other examples of disordered boundaries:

The parent as “your best friend” scenario.

Your parents aren’t your friends. From a therapeutic point of view, the
mutuality inside of a friendship isn’t the appropriate dynamic for a
parent/adult-child relationship.

Saying and acting out some version of, “I’m your mother (or father), and I
can do what I want.”
This could look like not letting you know before they come over or
showing up to events you didn’t invite them to or buying your kid
something you explicitly told them you didn’t approve of.
You get the idea.

Having unrealistic expectations and violating your personal boundaries.

Calling and expecting you to pick up no matter what (and getting pissed
off if you don’t), even if you’ve asked them not to while you are at work
for example. Expecting you will spend every single holiday with them
because it’s what “you’ve always done.”

Auto-advice giving.
They literally are ready to give you their 2 cents on everything. They feel
like they have a right to weigh in on every decision you make in your life.
This is especially painful because it can put you in a situation where you
feel like you are constantly having to defend yourself and explain why
you’re doing what you’re doing.

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 Extreme judgment.
Your parents might judge you for your career choice, sexuality or how
you’re living your life. Being judgemental about your body, your career,
your relationships or anything else isn’t ok.

Interfering in your personal life.

This could look like revealing something to your friend or partner they
shouldn’t have, texting or calling your friends, or asking others to keep
secrets from you.

Some Boundary Language You Can Use to Stop the Auto Advice-Giver

• “I have something I’d like to share, but before I do, I want you to know
that I am working on trusting my intuition. I’d really love it if you could
listen with kindness and refrain from offering up solutions. I’ll get
there.”

• “Please stop giving me unsolicited advice and criticism. I would love it

if you could just be happy for me.”

• “I’m actually not looking for input right now.”

Whether your parental impactors are toxic, oblivious, or just regularly

flawed humans, asserting your right to privacy and to make your own
choices may be challenging but it is worth your effort.

It’s not uncommon for families to have blurred boundaries. Often due to
a level of familiarity and comfort, we may find the limits we put in place
frequently crossed – especially when it comes to our parents, extended
family, and siblings. Which means you may need to calmly repeat your
boundary or limit...more than a few times.

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 The upside is that setting healthy boundaries can lead to a decrease in
anxiety, resentment, improved ability to manage conflict, and better self-
esteem.

Top of Mind: How do you feel?

For the next 48 hours, pay attention to how you feel while interacting
with impactors, siblings, etc, and write it down - (If you don’t talk to them
write down how you felt last time you interacted with them).

Go Deeper: Current Violations

Write down everything that feels like a boundary violation, an
expectation, an entitlement, or an attempt to covertly or overtly control
you with money or guilt.

• Where are you harboring resentment?

• Are there things you are doing right now you don’t want to be doing...
but you don’t want to disappoint, anger, or upset one or both of your
parental impactors?

• What are those things?

• List any things you know you need to do for yourself, even if your
impactors will disapprove.

• List topics that feel unsafe to discuss with your parents.

Getting clarity around your personal pain points is the first step to
making a change. Once you are clear you can figure out where you can
compromise and where you must stick to your boundaries.

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 Remember, it takes time to establish new boundary interaction with the
people we have been dancing with the longest (family of origin) but it
can be done!

Take Action: Get Clarity

Use the go deeper to start to get clear on your preferences, desires,
and deal-breakers, and then slowly start to shift your boundary
behavior so that you are acting more within your own integrity when
it comes to family.

Preferences.
Having a preference means being partial to one option over another. Do
you like coffee or tea? Yoga or CrossFit?

Desires.
Desires are a step-up from preferences, in that they reveal more
important wishes. For example, you may have a desire that your partner
or best friend understand you emotionally—or at least care enough to try.
Hearing that you are “too sensitive” is counter to your closely held wish to
be seen, known, and heard. If your desire to be understood continues to
go unfulfilled, well, that’s most likely going to graduate to a deal-breaker
at some point.

Deal-Breakers.
Deal-breakers are non-negotiable boundaries. Since the external
boundaries you create are driven by your internal preferences, deal-
breakers are unique to each person. You’re the only one who knows what
your deal-breakers are, so you need to get comfortable with having a
deal-breaker that your loved ones may not understand.

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 Try to look at your family and yourself with fresh eyes and just imagine
that you have the power and capability to create it from here.

If you could create anything...how would you want it to be?

What kind of relationships do you want to have with your parents or your
siblings?

TAKE SOME TIME AND SPACE AND WRITE OUT THE

POSSIBILITIES AND WHAT YOU WANT.

Step #1 Write down three desires, preferences, and deal-breakers

involving your family of origin.

Step #2 Decide How You Want it To Be NOW.

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 Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global
leading expert on boundaries.
For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most
well known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune
500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological
concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and
students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She
empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social
media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution™ and
Boundary Bootcamp™ + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.
She is also the author of Boundary Boss - The Essential Guide to
Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021).

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