00. Don’t fuck up your kids.

01. Don’t write down your crimes.

02. Don’t tell other people about your crimes.
03. Don’t boast about your crimes.
04. Don’t take souvenirs of your crimes.
05. Hide the evidence of your crimes.
06. Don’t involve other people in your crimes.
07. Your family are less likely to screw you over.
08. Keep your story straight.
09. Paying people to back up your story increases your odds of getting screwed over.
10. It’s a mistake not to pay people you said you’d pay.
11. Don’t commit crime at the school where you studied.
12. Don’t drive a red sports car.
13. If you’re changing your identity, don’t use the same alias you got busted under last time.
14. If you’re making a secret identity, don’t go for something interesting.
15. If you’re just making up a career, go with advertising executive.
16. Don’t make a screenplay out of your crimes.
17. If you’re deleting stu , empty the recycling bin, use a shredder program.
18. Don’t get drunk when disposing of a body.
19. Bad idea to google your crimes.
20. Don’t wrap the body in your own pyjamas.
21. Don’t dispose of the body in the cellar - put it in the attic.
22. If the car has blood in it, don’t clean it, just set it on re.
23. If you want to get away with murder, being a billionaire is helpful.
24. It’s best to be a thief in a rich country.
25. Don’t try to kill an Irishman with whiskey.
26. If you try to kill someone and they don’t die, why not nish the job since you were already
going to be a murderer?
27. Don’t drop your glove. Robbers and surgeons shouldn’t leave gloves behind.
28. If you want to ask someone about whether you should be committing crimes, de nitely
pretend it’s a joke.
29. If you’re risking going to prison for a really long time, let’s do it for more than 190,000 RAND.
30. Don’t be out saying, “I kill police o cers”.
31. Destroying evidence is pretty smart. Clean up after your crime.
32. If you’re gonna go out murdering, don’t murder the mother of a famous criminologist.
33. Don’t go on TV. What are you doing going on TV? What are you up to?
34. Don’t tell your crimes to someone who’s writing them down.
35. Leave the scene of the crime. You can’t stay there. You have to go.
36. Don’t return to the scene of the crime.
37. Don’t take any photos.
38. Don’t take records of your own crimes.
39. Always bend to the will of the mob.
40. Leaving intentional clues for the police is not a good idea. Bro, trust me, you’re leaving clues
anyway.
41. If you fail to do two abductions in two days, maybe take a break, work on your technique.
42. If you’re going to be burned at the stake, take deep breaths because then you’ll die of smoke
inhalation before the ames reach you.
43. Do your crimes better. You can at least try.
44. Again: Don't write down your crimes.
45. Don’t fuck with Big Syrup.
46. Hold up the bus, lock the bus so no one can escape, and then set it on re. I don't want to
give the terrorists ideas, but I guess that one's for free.
47. Dude, you gotta get some duck tape.
48. Chainsaw’s gonna be way too messy - just use a big knife.
49. Don’t review your crimes.
50. There’s a reason that people go to ten di erent hardware stores to buy all their murder
equipment... because if you bought all that in one place people are gonna be like, "What's up my
dude? Let me call the police."
51. Don't admit your crimes.
52. Burning things is nice.
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 53. If you're gonna go do some murdering, bring the weapon with you and have a plan to dispose
of it afterwards.
54. If you're murdering at night, how about bringing your own form of illumination?
55. You've got to burn your clothes in a barrel somewhere.
56. Don't write down how much you hate your husband. That's weird.
57. If you're cooking crystal meth in the city, what's wrong with you? Check yourself before you
wreck yourself.
58. If your crime business isn't super high pro t, what are you up to?
59. Get on to that South American sherman lifestyle and maybe get your face changed by some
sketchy mob doctor south of the border.
60. If you have glasses, get contacts or laser surgery. If you're bald, get a wig or a hair transplant.
If you have a beard, shave it o .
61. Don't get involved in a documentary about your crimes.
62. If you've committed a crime and it's reported in the paper, don't clip it out and keep it.
63. You do not take trophies or in the very least you don't keep them in plain view at your house
or in the houses of your relatives.
64. You don't tell other people about your crimes, even your brother.
65. Don't make soap out of your victims. Not a good idea.
66. Don't deal drugs with your family. Don't deal heroin, but if you want to deal heroin, do it
yourself.
67. Everyone knows you should charge 100K minimum for a hit job.
68. If you google how to commit your crime, use a VPN.
69. Don't involve your friends or your family in your crimes.
70. Too many cooks/assassins spoil the broth/murder.
71. If someone is paying you 9 million dollars to kill someone and all you have to do is provide
evidence of it, you should do it yourself and it should be someone you de nitely don't know.
72. Just get a fake phone number! Just get a burner phone!
73. If an online creep ever asks you to commit a crime for money, please do the right thing:
Demand to see half the cash up front with the rest after the job.
74. Don't commit crimes in your own town... go to the next town.
75. Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer... where is your lawyer?
76. Don't lm your crimes.
77. Don't rob the gun store.
78. Yo, if you're gonna do crimes, make sure the crimes make you loads of money.
79. If you have hidden a body in a camera case and then months go by and you haven't disposed
of the camera case and/or cleaned it extremely thoroughly - well, you're just a bad criminal, aren't
you?
80. If you're committing crimes, don't - while you're committing crimes - commit smaller
accidental crimes. Focus on the task at hand.
81. Think through just a little bit before you do crimes.
82. Getting drunk while you're committing crimes - don't do it. You're not going to be better at
crime if you're drunk.
83. Disposing of the body should be on your list of things to do before going on vacation.
84. Yo, if you're gonna do a big robbery and there's gonna be a big pay day, invest some time into
getting it right.
85. Being used to danger doesn't mean it's not dangerous anymore.
86. Firing AK-47s automatically renders them rather inaccurate because the rst round will go
where you want and the rest will go where they want.
87. Commit well-paying robberies early in your career so you can retire when you're old.
88. Dude, you used your own car with your own plates as a get-away car? Are you stupid?
89. Guys, DNA gets everywhere very easily. Take some proper precautions. Google "how to not
leave DNA behind."
90. If you've murdered 10 people, you have to run away. You have to run away to, like, Chinese
Alaska or wherever.
91. You can't just walk in and take over someone's life and business... Something is gonna come
up.
92. Yo, if your crime is worse than the punishment for destroying evidence, maybe you should
destroy that evidence.
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 93. If you're extremely likeable and good-looking, it's probably gonna help you in your conning
career. If you're not charming and likeable, and you're ugly, it's gonna be more di cult to be a con
man, isn't it?
94. Why are you pouring concrete? ...If the police go digging in your backyard for bodies, an inch
of concrete is not gonna be like, "Oh... well, that's impenetrable. I guess we better stop. Nothing
buried down there. Just concrete."
95. If you're a wanted criminal, the only hope you could have of evading capture is to live a
squeaky clean life, never breaking any laws.
96. If you're gonna lie, make it simple.
97. If you've killed someone, don't nd someone else and hire them to help you dispose of the
body. That's just not smart.
98. What are you doing hanging out at a motel for 4 days and then going to get shit-faced in the
middle of the day with strangers when you're on the run?
99. Rule #2 applies even if you haven't committed your crimes yet.
100. Don't write down your crimes even if it's past the statute of limitations.
101. There's no statute of limitations for murder.
102. Just dress as a super old man. Put some old man mask on or some shit, just go there, buy
some booze, no one's gonna question you because you don't ID someone who looks like they're
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103. If you're doing crimes, don't continue doing the same crimes in another state.
104. Don't tell your cellmate about your crimes.
105. How do you NOT practice with the gun before you try and assassinate a president?
106. Don’t add your victims to your social media friend’s list.
107. Don’t tattoo your crimes on your body.
106. For all you budding criminals out there, it's worth noting that the drug receptivity of
individuals can vary widely across relatively small sample sizes, and if you want to get uniform
e ect across, let's say 60 people of di erent ages, weights, genders and states of health, carefully
calibrated dosages need to be applied.
107. Don't smuggle drugs to Malaysia or anywhere in Asia - they'll probably kill you.
108. Maybe you can blackmail someone into being with you for life, but it's gonna be really
awkward.
109. Really? You're using a stolen credit card to get delivery food to your house?
110. Don't podcast your crimes.
111. The statute of limitations for robbery lasts only 10 years in Germany.
112. Get a balaclava or something. It's like three dollars.
113. Just wear a mask, dickheads!
114. Why would you take their wallets? Just take the money out of the wallets and fucking leave
them there.
115. They say crime doesn't pay. It absolutely does or there would be no crime.
116. The best criminals are the ones we don't know about.
117. Yo, if there's a guy who knows all of your criminal activities, he's immensely valuable to the
police. If you've thought about killing him, keep your mouth shut until you've actually killed him
because otherwise, he's going to go to the police.
118. Don't commit crimes in China. Goddamn.
119. Don't try to hide a body in a sand pit.
120. You're a serial killer. If you want to terrify people, kill people... what's the reason for not
killing?
121. Is slashing the best tactic with a knife? That's just going to injure someone.
122. What are you doing? If you're a criminal and you're committing crimes, are you really going
to wear something so identi able?
123. If your crimes are going to end in a suicide, please write down everything in great detail
because it makes our jobs a lot easier.
124. She saw your face. She saw you commit a murder. You murdered someone and now you're
just going to let her go? That's insane.
125. If you've been robbing and you've got money and guns in your car, how about you go just a
couple of miles an hour below the speed limit? Not suspiciously slow, but also so there isn't any
chance of getting pulled over.
126. Don't write a novel about your crimes.
127. Don't blog about your crimes.
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 128. Why wouldn't you make sure your bombs work well before you mail them anywhere? You
can't even observe the results directly. If you're going to make bombs, make some bombs, and
set them o in the garden rst.
129. Don't leave a badge bearing the name of your organization at the crime scene.
130. You know what's great for getting rid of DNA evidence? Fucking re.
131. If you're an excellent bank robber in a country which punishes bank robbery heavily, just go
to a country with more money and less punishment. You're welcome.
132. Yes, it's a serious crime to set someone's car on re.
133. If you're signing up for some dark website, use a di erent user name, c'mon.
134. You can't use your burner phone to call your mum and wish her happy birthday.
135. Burn the receipt. If you're unsure, burn, burn, burn. Fire is your friend.
136. Burn properly. Use accelerant.
137. If you're making a fake bomb, do it with gloves on.
138. Buy multiple burner phones at separate shops.
139. Assume you're always being wire-tapped.
140. Conduct your meeting somewhere private.
141. Don't trust pre-paid phones.
142. Always wear gloves from preparation to execution.
143. If you've burned a body and there's little bits left over, don't bury them in your backyard, you
idiot.
144. If you're gonna murder someone, don't rush. Think about it.
145. If you're in prison forever, go ahead and write down your crimes. Why not?
146. If you're going to get revenge, don't write about getting revenge. Just quietly get revenge. Or
at least be quiet about it until after the revenge is done.
147. Don't subtly hint at your crimes.
148. Don't work or do crimes with a psychopath. Because they're a psychopath. They're gonna
betray you.
149. If you've been collecting people's drivers licenses as some trophy and you bring someone
round to clean out your garage, is that really a good idea to have those there?
150. When disposing of bodies, smell is everything. Exert all your chemical research on that issue.
151. Throwing evidence down an embankment does not count as disposing of evidence. You
have to burn it with re.
152. Don't lie to the police about easily veri able information.
153. Shut the fuck up until your lawyer arrives.
154. Don't draw diagrams of your crimes.
155. Don't admit to your future crimes.
156. Don't hand-write a ransom note.
157. Don't blog about felony theft.
158. Why are you giving your name and contact info to a sex worker?
159. If you're a murderer, don't go on ride-alongs with the police.
160. Don't act suspicious.
161. If you're providing an alibi that you know is fake, how about you provide an alibi that's less
fake?
162. Don't text potential victims.
163. Don't steal victims' phones.
164. If you fake your own death, you have to leave town.
165. If you want to kill someone, hiring a hit man isn't helpful. Do it properly yourself.
166. If you've done crimes, don't stick around at the scene and don't come back.
167. You're not a spy if you keep telling everyone about it.
168. If you're using the same gun over and over again, that's all the evidence the police need.
169. You're not guilty of murder if you're tricked into murdering someone.
170. You have to destroy the weapon.
171. Don't get sloppy.
172. Don't get greedy.
173. Shoe boxes full of money? Suspicious.
174. If you escape the statute of limitations, feel free to gloat.
175. If you murder a former celebrity who was well-known in town, people are gonna start to talk.
176. Impersonating a police o cer is a major crime.
177. Don't brag about your crimes to prominent journalists.
178. Don't get paid in crack.
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 179. If your home becomes a potential crime scene, literally burying all the evidence is the last
thing you should do.
180. Don't kidnap people just for practice.
181. You shouldn't run o with a gang's money, but if you do, you better run far.
182. Poisoning someone counts as assault and that's a form of violence.
183. Don't take out life insurance policies on people you're going to murder. It looks suspicious.
184. Don't be murdering the police o cers.
185. Lye decomposes bodies, but it also has other uses.
186. If you're selling crystal meth, you're probably a bad dude.
187. When your legitimate business is strip club, we know your illegitimate business is pimp.
188. Bisecting someone at the torso on a train track is probably an e ective way to murder your
worst enemy - but not suicide.
189. Don't commit crimes on Youtube. What are you up to?
190. You get a lot of enemies if you routinely kill gang members and steal their stu .
191. Especially don't commit crimes in Brazil.
192. Don't ll a body with stones.
193. Don't have a calling card as a murderer.
194. Sni er dog escape - You've got to get in a car or maybe a lake.
195. You can't just ip over a mattress and hope that blood is going to disappear. It's gonna start
to smell.
196. Your mum's body is in the closet, her head is in the kitchen, her vocal cords are in the
garbage disposal. You've got to do something about that. Good lord, man.
197. If you want to be a criminal - wilderness survival.
198. Only steal from good people. They probably won't send assassins to kill you, but bad people
might.
199. Set your get-away cars on re. Use accelerant.
200. Who rents a car using their own name to commit a crime?
201. Keep you crimes small.
202. Work with a small team. Don't get your mates involved.
203. Don't do crimes in France.
204. Don't earmark pages in a book of poisons.
205. Don't take notes about how you're killing people.
206. Don't leave your murder manual at your ex-husband's house. You want to go back and get
that shit.
207. Don't mark down your crimes on a map.
208. How have you not got a better eeing plan? If you're a criminal, have some shit ready to go,
have a plan of action to get out of town.
209. Don't get photos of your serial killings developed at a drugstore.
210. If you really want to take your own murder photos, you've gotta get your own darkroom.
211. Yeah, a multi-camera angle of you dissecting a body in your bedroom oor, um, that's a lock.
Boom, guilty.
212. Blackmailing the rich crime king pin is not the way to go. They'll kill you.
213. Yeah, look... If you're going on trial for murder and the way you're going to get out of it is by
murder... well, they're already going to put you away for murder, so kind of worthwhile in a way,
isn't it?
214. Go to one of those non-extradition countries.
215. Don't combine your crimes.
216. Don't leave the murder weapon at the scene.
217. Murder's not always going to be 100% sel sh.
218. Just use a gun. Guns are really e ective.
219. Genius killers don't get caught.
220. If you've got somebody you really want to pop o , and there's a serial killer around, you've
gotta be like, "Now is the perfect time. Ok, let's just kill them like this other guy kills them and
they'll think it's him and lump your murder in with his.
221. Don't collect wombs. What the fuck?
222. If you're around the police, don't be like, "Oh my god, killing is awesome."
223. If you're going out murdering, be prepared. A little bit of preparation would be a good idea.
224. You've got to get rid of your murder weapons. You can't just chuck 'em over a fence.
225. Being in prison is a good alibi.
226. Don't kill people you're trying to extort money from. It makes no sense.
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227. Bury your evidence really deep.
228. If you're a serial killer, don't get famous.
229. If you're a wanted murderer, don't go on TV and give clues to your next murder.
230. Bro, if you've gone to rob someone and it's gone wrong because you've murdered them,
don't steal their shit because that's what you call 'evidence'.
231. Don't take photos of your victims.
232. There's no honor among thieves.
233. Things you don't want to be when you're out killing: distinctive.
234. Drug cartels are intense. They'll kill you.
235. If you're gonna murder someone on a busy London street, don't do it in the middle of the
day.
236. If your husband is overly protective of his man-cave, maybe just sneak down there
sometimes and make sure there are no circular saws, blood staining the walls, and bodies in the
freezer. Just in case, you know?
237. Selling the victim's phone is not the brightest.
238. Obstruction of justice and interfering in a police investigation are crimes.
239. Sharks are not an e ective means of disposing of a body. If you really want to make sure
your victims disappear, you've got to use pigs. #notlegaladvice

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OFFICIAL TITLES:

DENIZ: Subterranean Syllabus Scribe Specialist Extraordinaire in the Exquisite Educational

Emanations Emanating from an Enigmatically Endearing Underground Abode

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Guidance: Contains Themes, Homosexuality, Erotic Thesbians, and Piratical Alternate Universes)

ME: Editing Bitch

SIMON: He, Whose Head Shines in The Light Of Wisdom

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