Marriage and Family Life

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE –
Getting the Best
- Getting
the Best
Pastor W.F. Kumuyi

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE -
Getting the Best
Pastor W.F. Kumuyi
Copyright © 1993
Life Press Limited,
P.M.B. 1004. Yaba. Lagos.
Reg. No. RC. 30268
All Rights Reserved
First Edition 1985
Second Edition 1993
Third Edition 2014
National Library of Nigeria Cataloguing In
Publication Data
KUMUYI, William F.
Marriage And Family Life: Getting The Best.
1. Marriage
2. Family Life, Education.
3. Marriage Counselling.
835.K96 1993
261.8358
ISBN 978-2367-18-14
AACR2
CONTENTS
Preface
1.
The Beginning
2.
Finding, Knowing and Doing
God’s Will
23
3.
Period of Courtship
45
4.
Journey into Marriage
63
5. Help for the Newly Married
79
6.
What Couples Should Know
99
7.
Money in Marriage
115
8.
Child Training - Building for
Tomorrow
131
9.
Guide to Child Training
149
10. Living Together
169
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE
|4
Preface
arriage is the hub of human life. It is the
basic unit and foundation of the church and
the world. Rapid universal deterioration ensues
when marriage is faulty and family life is rusty.
My assertion is drawn from many years of intensive
study, counselling and pastoring. These are my
major sources of material for this book. My priority
is twofold: to prepare those eligible for marriage for
their nuptials and to provide lasting and permanent
solutions to the destructive plagues that eat off the
essence of family life.
The final product is ‘MARRIAGE and FAMILY LIFE:

GETTING THE BEST’. No area of marriage and
family life is left unattended. Life pulsates through
every page. The counsels are comforting and
creative. They are given in the orbits of Scripture
and holiness.
|6
The truths set forth in this book are relevant to all -
non-Christians, Christians, Christian workers,
pastors, parents, husbands, wives, bachelors,
spinsters, widows, widowers, divorcees; the list is
interminable. The underaged might, however, let it
lie till they are of age.
It is my conviction that no marriage is so bad that it
cannot be rebuilt and toned; none so good that it
cannot be improved. No matter how fine the silver,
it can always be polished.
Plunge into these priceless pages. Read them, write
down the chief points, practise them and watch
your marriage and family life take a new shape.

Pastor
astor .F
W.
.F K
. umuyi
December, 2014
THE BEGINNING
arriage is a God-ordained institution
and the bedrock of life. It is central to God’s
plan for man. It is the ring that encircles the
spiritual, social, psychological and physical
aspects of human life. Marriage is a major factor
that determines whether a person would live a
happy or sorrowful life. Teaching in this area,
therefore, is pivotal to the health and well-being of

the Church and the transformation of the world.
It is important to state from the outset that all you
will be reading in this book are to help you get the
best in your marriage and family life. The book is
aimed at revealing the standard of God for marriage
and family. It is to help you reach out to the
neglected promises of God for the family. When
God saves a man from sin, He takes him off all
works of the flesh. As God and Father, He needs to
reveal His mind and will to us so that we can rightly
yield as He helps us plan or replan our marriage in
|8
order to correct whatever might have gone wrong in
the past.
CAUTION
The teachings here might reveal where you went
wrong. Understand that when God reveals where
you went wrong, He does it for your good; to secure
your cooperation so He can repair or supply what is

lacking or needed. When the government sets up a
panel or committee to probe into a given situation,
it does so to determine whom to indict or absolve.
With God, the opposite is the case. When He probes
you, He does so to help you, not to condemn you.
The Lord knows that many church members are
ignorant of the truth. He knows a good number have
just come into the Kingdom and need to learn many
things. They have not, as yet, known all He wants
them to know. You do not have to condemn yourself
if you discover that you have fallen short of God’s
standard of an ideal husband. Do not hate yourself
for falling far below the standard of an ideal wife.
Do not dislike your husband for his dismal failure
as a husband. The same goes for the wife. Do not see
yourself as a failure yet. See yourself as God sees
you – a learner at Jesus’ feet. Appreciate the fact that
He is in the business of making you better. Forget
your ignorance of the past because there is a great
opportunity for you to improve. “Remember ye not

the former things, neither consider the things of
The Beginning
|9
old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall
spring forth; shall ye not know It? I will even
make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the
desert” (Isaiah 43:18,19).
What then should be your attitude?
BE A SAMUEL
“And the LORD came, and stood, and called as at
other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel
answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth” (1
Samuel 3:10). Though you are reading to hear God
now, remember that in the past you were sincerely
ignorant. That ignorance brought suffering.
Sincerity does not shield anyone from suffering
when costly mistakes are made. Think of a situation
at home when the wife used the pressing iron. She
had finished ironing her clothes but forgot to switch
off the current. Her husband unknowingly touched

the iron and was hurt. He assumed his wife had
switched off the current and probably disconnected
the pressing iron. It is obvious that he acted
ignorantly, and sincerely too. But his sincerity did
not prevent his palm and fingers from being hurt.
It is the same with marriage. There are some things
you do ignorantly, innocently and sincerely but you
still reap unpleasant results. “There is a way that
seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are
the ways of death” (Proverbs 16:25).
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE | 10
This means that one can die in one’s sincerity. You
may feel a way is right, a method is tested and
proven, a procedure of marriage is result-oriented,
yet it can lead you into difficulties, despair and
death.
Ecclesiastes 11:9 says, “Rejoice, O young man, in
thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days
of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart,
and in the sight of thine eyes but know thou, that

for all these things God will bring thee into
judgment”. This talks about your sincerity in
plunging into some actions. God, therefore, says
that though you are sincere, He will bring you to
judgment if you do anything wrong. But thank God,
this is not the day of judgment; it is the day of grace
and correction. You can make your life right today.
YOU ARE UNIQUE
I said earlier that marriage is common to all, but one
truth still stands: we are different one from another
as humans. A Nigerian is different from a Ghanaian.
Even within a country the citizens are different one
from the other. There are differences amongst
people within a state, town or village. Among
members of the same family, differences abound.
Just like differences are found in individuals, they
are found in marriages too. One marriage cannot be
approached the same way as another.
The way Peter treads his way through marriage may
The Beginning | 11
be different from the way Paul will tread through
marriage. They are two distinct individuals and
God has different plans for each of them. Samson
and Samuel, Elijah and Elisha, Jacob and Jabez,
Hezekiah and Nehemiah; Rehoboam and Jeroboam,
John and James, Mary and Martha, Matthew and
Matthias are similar pairs of names and some of
them were even relatives. But each of them was
unique and distinctive. God has a plan for everyone
of His Spirit-begotten children – a different but
suitable plan for each one. You must seek to know
what plan He has for you. You cannot have a better
plan for your life.
YE ARE NOT YOUR OWN
I believe you know that believers do not belong to
themselves. You are not your own if you are a
believer. Do not dispute that. It is a fact in the Bible.
“What! know ye not that your body is the temple
of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have
of God, and ye are not your own? ” (1 Corinthians

6:19,20). An amplification of this verse of Scripture
will drive home its meaning. It is saying that your
biological sister might have gone into the sin of
fornication and is pregnant for a man. From her own
point of view, she is married. Or, your cousin might
have run away with a boy for some time and she
eventually came back home to introduce the boy as
her husband.
You cannot marry like any of such people. You must
keep on reminding yourself that “I am no longer my
own”. You are different from the unbeliever –
whether your pal, your parents or your people.
There are reasons God does not want you to live
like the unbeliever, especially in marriage.
First, God has made it clear in His word (the Bible)
that Christians do not belong to themselves. They
are God’s own people. He thinks about them and
has the best plan for their future.
Second, He knows there are problems in the world.

He does not want the problems in the world to tint
His plan for any of His people.
Third, the devil controls the world. The pace of the
systems of the world, including marriage, is set by
the devil. God does not want the devil to have any
influence on His people.
Fourth, the people of the world are ignorant and
foolish. In their ignorance, they make a lot of
mistakes, some of which have tragic consequences.
God knows this and consequently dissuades His
people from copying the people of the world.
Fifth, the people of the world follow the traditions
of the world. In this state, they transgress the
commandment of God. Christians are not to be
bound by the traditions of the world. Therefore,
God would have His people purge their minds of
worldly traditions.
The Beginning | 13
Sixth, the people of the world suffer dearly for their
mistakes. They cry inwardly, saying, “Who shall

deliver us from the errors we have plunged
ourselves into”. If you are going to follow anyone, it
should not be someone who lives in regret. So, God
would have you sever every connection with the
world especially in your marriage and family life.
Finally, God does not want you to imitate the
unbeliever because his values are the opposite of
the believer’s. The unbeliever places a high
premium on riches, beauty and family background.
These have least values to the church. “Trust not in
oppression, and become not vain in robbery: If
riches increase, set not your heart upon them”
(Psalm 62:10). Riches and physical attraction are
what the people of the world give priority to when
they are considering whom to marry. Yet, the word
of God says that the Christian must not set his heart
on riches because they are transient. “He that
loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor
he that loveth abundance with increase: this is
also vanity” (Ecclesiastes 5:10). “For the love of

money is the root of all evil: which while some
coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and
pierced themselves through with many sorrows”
(1 Timothy 6:10). “Favour is deceitful, and beauty
is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she
shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
Thus, what the world esteems in their
consideration of whom to marry are quite different
from what the believer looks for.
MARRIAGE:
LEGITIMATE AND SCRIPTURAL
“Marriage is honourable in all” (Hebrews 13:4).
The word ‘is’ in this Scripture is not in the Greek
version of the Bible. That is why it is written in
italics. In the original Greek version, it reads:
“Marriage honourable in all”. It is an interjectory
and exciting statement. It brings joy.
So, the desire to marry is legitimate, proper and
scriptural. As soon as a male or female child begins

to grow, he unconsciously begins to think about
marriage. That is the normal functioning of the
human mind. But the thought of and desire for
marriage should not drive you into an improper
way of getting married. When you are hungry, there
is a desire in you to eat. That desire does not lead
you to steal but it leads you to want to find food in a
legitimate way. Likewise, when you are thirsty, you
naturally desire water. That desire is legitimate. But
its legitimacy does not lead you to steal except you
have always been a thief. The normal thing is to
look for water in a proper, acceptable and legitimate
way.
Hunger and thirst are comparable to the desire to
get married. As we seek legitimate and proper ways
to satisfy our hunger or thirst, so should we seek
The Beginning | 15
legitimate and scriptural ways to satisfy our desire
to marry. “Marriage is honourable in all, and the
bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers

God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). This Scripture
teaches that though marriage is honourable in all,
the bed must not be defiled. The point here is
unmistakable. It is saying that though marriage is
good and lovely, there is a way to go about it. All
who digress from this way (adulterers and
whoremongers) will suffer the consequences. That
is why it is disastrous to lack the teachings of the
Bible on marriage.
If you think God’s standard is too high, ponder on
the following questions: each time you feel like
eating, do you just go to the roadside and pick up
whatever chewable thing you see? Or, each time
you are thirsty do you just go to a nearby public
drainage and drink till you are filled? If anyone does
that, he would be dead within a short period.
If you obey, everytime, the urge to pounce on and
beat anyone who offends you, you will be cooling
your feet frequently behind the bars of prison. If
you obey your every urge to go into intimate

relationship with the opposite sex, you will get
infected with venereal disease and lose the
kingdom of God. So, if you are that fastidious in
eating and drinking, God should be justified for
setting standards in marriage. It is all for your good.
I have given the above illustrations to show you that
though marriage is legitimate and scriptural, it
should be properly handled. Let this truth be
ingrained in your mind: just as unclean water and
bad food will hurt and make you unhealthy, a
strange woman or man who comes into your life out
of your own whim will strangle and render you
miserable.
But I am persuaded of better things for you. I am
persuaded you will not bring a destroyer (man or
woman) into your house. I know there is something
in you yearning and hankering after the will of God;
something that is making you to seek the proper
way to marry. I believe you will not obey your

whim. I am persuaded you will keep human
opinion and fleshly outcry under subjection.
God has so created you to be able to do whatever
you set your will, mind, emotion and heart to do. He
has put a great degree of self-control in the human
being. As a believer, you must have at one time or
the other turned away from alcoholic drinks. It was
not because you did not feel like drinking but
because you controlled yourself. Grace, coupled
with your own determination, made you to resist it.
How many times have you seen delicious food
while you were waiting upon the Lord (fasting) and
you tuned off your mind from it? If God is able to
control you in those areas, I believe He is able to
control you in the area of marriage too.
Never say, “I am too weak”. Do not say, “I cannot”.
The Beginning | 17
That is wrong. You are not weak. You only think
that you are weak. Once you eat at the right time,
sleep at the right time, wash your clothes at the right

time, you can marry at the right time and follow the
perfect will of God.
MARRIAGE: ELIGIBILITY
You must have noticed that I pointed out in the
introduction that this book is strictly for adults.
This is because the consequences of having
teenagers read it can be grave. After reading, he may
go to pick a girl from Sunday School class and get
married to her. After all, “Marriage is honourable
in all”, he will quote.
Before you contemplate marriage, you must be
mature. You must have grown to an age that you can
think and plan independently. You must be able to
make decisions and own up to your mistakes. You
must be emotionally mature. You need to be able to
guide, lead, comfort and help a woman. Mature
people almost always make mature marriages.
Besides, you need some social and material
preparation. For instance, you need your own
accommodation, bed and other household items.

Over and above all, there should be a steady supply
of money that would keep the prospective family
going. The viability of marriage is usually an
indication of the stability and maturity of marriage
partners.
HOW ABOUT EUNUCHS?
“For there are some eunuchs, which were so born
from their mother’s womb: and there are some
eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and
there be eunuchs, which have made themselves
eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He
that is able to receive it, let him receive it”
(Matthew 19:12). Here, Jesus spoke to His disciples.
He is the Creator. He knows all things. He says that
not all people who are normal on the superficial are
actually wholly normal in all respects.
Christ makes it clear that people could be eunuchs.
While some are congenital eunuchs, others are
man-made eunuchs. With God, it is not

extraordinary or outrageous to be a eunuch. Just
like someone can lose a toe in a fight, an arm in an
accident, a limb in a war, a person can lose his
manhood too. And just as God miraculously
replaces any lost part of the body when we beseech
Him to do so, He restores the eunuch’s manhood
when he asks Him to do so.
A eunuch cannot meet the obligations of a husband
to his wife. If he marries, the marriage will be very
unpleasant for the wife because she will not be
satisfied in one area of her marriage. This is the area
of procreation. If you are a eunuch, don’t delay to
disclose the problem to your partner before
marriage. If you do, you are entertaining two evils.
One, the woman will be disappointed and perhaps
The Beginning | 19
despaired all through life. Two, you will be laying
steels of problems at the foundation of your home.
The story is the same with a woman who has some
major defects in her body. Go to God in prayer and

see your pastor about it before you marry. God can
do all things. This, however, applies only to those
who are contemplating marriage. For those who
have married and discovered the presence of this
problem in their lives, they should know that there
is solution for every problem. With God, all things
are possible.
THE BEST MATCHMAKER
Having made up your mind to get married and
checked up your preparedness, you then think of
who to marry. Who should you marry? Who will
seek her or him out for you? Who is the best
matchmaker - mother, father, friend, pastor or you?
Hear the best Matchmaker: “I am God and there is
none else: I am God, and there is none like me,
Declaring the end from the beginning, and from
ancient times the things that are not yet done,
saying. My counsel shall stand, and I will do all
my pleasure” (Isaiah 46:9,10). That is the peerless

Matchmaker counselling. We cannot compare our
concerned friends and neighbours with the

omniscient God. Our Pastor-counsellor could be
deceived into encouraging you to marry a brother or
a sister based on what you tell him. God cannot be
deceived. He knows all things inside out. You
cannot go to your friends, parents and pastor when
problems arise in your marriage and family life.
God is the only Comforter and Guide in marriage. It
is only reasonable to start with Him. Let Him seek
out a ‘helpmeet’ for you.
There are various problems and responsibilities in
marriage. Roles and life change after marriage.
Hidden, dark and unseen forces know marriage and
actually try to dominate it. The problems of in-laws,
childlessness, squabbles between partners,
infidelity, divorce, frustration, rebellious children,
all threaten marriage. Who will you marry and be
free from all these problems? Only God knows that
person. “Whoso findeth a wife [husband] findeth
a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD”

(Proverbs 18:22). “House and riches are the
inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from
the LORD” (Proverbs 19:14). Before God chooses a
person for you to marry, He considers your life, your
future, your temperament, your disposition and
everything that will make you happy. God knows all
virtuous women. They are in His custody. You
cannot get one outside the counsel of God. You just
go to God in purposeful prayer and ask for the
virtuous woman who fits you. That is the only way
of finding and knowing who to marry. He will not
deny you if you have a relationship with Him. If He
knows you as His child, He will promptly heed and
grant your desire. God will honour the people who
The Beginning | 21
wait on Him. God respects those who respect Him.
He appreciates those who appreciate Him.
This chapter is a foretaste. The remaining part of
this book is devoted to showing you how to find out
that virtuous woman [man] whom God wants you

to marry and how to obtain or give consent. Other
important areas handled are courtship and
wedding, journey into marriage, helps for the
newly married, meaning of partnership and how to
solve problems that arise in the family, handling
financial matters in the family, how to raise good
children and the secret of living happily together.
| 22
FINDING, KNOWING AND
DOING GOD’S WILL
ife is literally composed of decision-making
moments. There is always a cause to make a
decision or cancel one.
Everyone, from the toddler to the aged, makes
decision. Sometimes, the decision borders on the
kind of career you should pursue. At other times, it
is the kind of accommodation you would like to

take up, who to marry, what make of car to buy or
the college/higher institution to attend.
As a husband, you must have had cause to make
decisions. It could be on the number of children
you would like to have; whether to have your wife
be a full-time housewife or get her gainfully
employed on a job; whether you should have your
parents live with you or keep them in the Old
People’s Home; and whether to have a maid or
steward. The point is that, you are always in the
business of making decisions.
We start making decisions early in life. Little
children make decisions: they decide on what to do
on certain occasions. At times, they run into
difficulty and on such occasions, they go to their
parents. They know daddy and mummy are wiser
and their decisions are more dependable. Adults
too are not left out. They also have the same
difficulty. The tragedy is that very few adults are

humble enough to concede their ignorance or
difficulty. Few adults admit that they cannot make
right decisions. It is however surprising to discover
they act and make decisions like children. How do
children make decisions?
Little children go for whatever gives them
temporary satisfaction, no matter how temporal the
satisfaction may be. For instance, a child prefers to
run into a hail just because the doors are open even
if that leads to death to exercising some patience
where doors are temporarily closed but ultimately
leads into the arms of angels. This is the common
characteristic of children.
It is not too different with adults. Many people
follow the open door and just take decisions on
temporal, transient promises. On some other
occasions, it is the ‘majority carries the vote’
method. Majority of the Israelites once said they
were not going to Canaan and the decision of the
nation anchored on that. Christ knew He should go

to the cross. He knew it was the Father’s will. He
Finding, Knowing And Doing God’s Will | 25
stood by what He knew to be God’s will. If He gave
the apostles a chance to vote and allowed the
majority to carry the vote, He would have been
dissuaded from dying on the cross.
Some psychologists, interested in knowing how
decisions are reached, conducted a survey covering
many people from age five and above. Their scope
covered how decisions in marriage, education,
child upbringing and many other areas of life are
made. The result was shocking. They discovered
that with majority of people, the method by which
decisions are made at five years of age is the same
way by which decisions are taken at either twelve,
twenty, thirty or fifty years of age.
They realised that decisions made by adults, like
those of children, are based on the following
considerations:
1. Do I have feelings of temporary satisfaction?

2. Is there any door of circumstance open? If the
answer is ‘Yes’, then I must forge ahead.
3. What do others advise me to do? Majority
carries the vote!
4. If the object or project is attractive, I must have
and keep it.
5. If friends and peer group do it, I must do it
NOW.
6. I want to stem the fear of doing nothing, so I
must do something.
7. If sudden impulse and immediate action is
required and present satisfaction is promised,
it’s alright.
Once you start taking personal decisions, you use
the same system throughout your life except
something happens. This shows that one cannot
make a right decision on his own without God’s
guidance. If men would be humble to accept that
they are ignorant, wisdom and knowledge will

begin to flood their lives. God resists the proud and
gives grace to the humble.
If you can tell God that you do not know how to go
about finding the virtuous woman or man you
desire to marry, He will help you. Turn to God now
and He will help you irrespective of past failures.
The Bible says, “Surely it is meet to be said unto
God, I have borne chastisements, I will not offend
any more: That which I see not teach thou me: If I
have done iniquity, I will do no more” (Job
34:31,32). “But there is a spirit in man: and the
inspiration of the Almighty giveth them
understanding. Great men are not always wise:
neither do the aged understand judgment” (Job
32:8,9).
Old people do not even know how to make right
decisions. I will show you three great men in the
Bible to buttress this point.
KING REHOBOAM
“And king Rehoboam consulted with the old men,
that stood before Solomon his father while he yet
lived, and said, How do ye advise that I may
answer this people?” (1 Kings 12:6). This is a king
who had a major decision to make. Instead of asking
God, he sought the counsel of human beings. To be
specific, he went to old men. This king did not
realise the fact that older men have experienced
more failures than the younger people.
In the race of life, older people have fallen more
often than the younger people. They have gained
experience through their series of failure and they
base their counsel on the failures they have
experienced in the past. True, older people can tell
younger people where they are likely to fall into
error, but we know that there is Somebody older
than the oldest of men in the book of Daniel. He is
called “the Ancient of Days”. Isaiah calls Him the
Father of eternity; “The Everlasting Father”. He is
the One that has been from the beginning. “In the
beginning was the Word, and the Word was with
God, and the Word was God”. He is called Alpha
and Omega, the beginning and the end. He is the
Ancient of Days. Go and talk to Him. He has much
more wisdom than all the old people of this world
put together. Talk to Him in prayer and He will lead
you aright. Rehoboam failed in this point and he
failed in all others. He lost the kingdom which his
grandfather David built.
KING DAVID
“Then they told David, saying. Behold, the
Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the
threshingfloors. Therefore David inquired of the
LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these
Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go,
and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah” (1
Samuel 23:1,2). Here is king David. He had a
problem and he needed to make a decision. He went
to God in prayer. It was a simple, unpretentious

prayer.
There are lessons to learn here. One, when you
desire to know the will of God in marriage or in any
other venture, you go to God in a simple way. David
knew that he should approach God just as a son
goes to his father when he needs something. So, he
went to God with the confidence of a son and said,
“Shall I go and smite these Philistines?” David is
quite unlike some Christians who look for
denominational prayer books. Prayer books are not
helpful when you want to find the will of God. Do
not use them. Go to God in a simple way and use
your natural voice. Do not copy a great man of God
down town. David did it in a natural way and God
answered him.
KING SAUL
“And the Philistines gathered themselves
together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and
Saul gathered all Israel together, and they

pitched in Gilboa. And when Saul saw the host of
the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart
greatly trembled. And when Saul inquired of the
LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by
dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets” (1 Samuel 28:4-

6). Here are three kings: Rehoboam, David and
Saul. These three kings found themselves in similar
situations that require decision making.
Rehoboam sought the counsel of the elders and
failed woefully. David sought the counsel of God
and he heard from Him; God spoke to him. Saul
sought the counsel of God but there was no reply.
This is shocking. Why did God answer one and
there was no word for the other person? I am going
to show you why some people’s prayers are
unanswered.
WHY GOD MIGHT DISREGARD
YOUR PRAYER
“If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not
hear me” (Psalm 66:18). This was the first problem
in Saul’s life. This is also the hindrance to the

ascension of your prayer. If there is sin in your life,
God’s counsel will remain hidden to you. The only
way out of this is to take the sin away. Confess it to
the Lord, repent and forsake it.
Take care of every shade of sin in your life and
heaven will open for you. Your spirit also will easily
receive from the Spirit of God.
The second problem is self-will. God does not
reveal His will when He knows that you are
unwilling to do it. He does not talk to you when He
knows you are self-willed.
The third problem is unbelief. There is the danger
of misunderstanding this point. Generally,
Christians have ups and downs in their prayer life.
Sometimes, they are strong in faith; at other times,
they are weak in it. In Saul’s case, he was not weak
in faith. He was actually backslidden. He turned his
heart away from God. He was in a state of unbelief;
and in that state, he would not be able to hear from

God. It is possible to have a heart of unbelief. If you
have found it difficult to believe God on so many
issues, it will hinder you from receiving from Him.
The fourth problem in Saul’s life was the presence
of idol in his heart. According to Colossians 3:5,
covetousness is idolatry. This problem masks a
seeker from seeing or hearing from God. “Son of
man, these men have set up their idols in their
heart, and put the stumbling block of their
iniquity before their face: should I be inquired of
at all by them? Therefore speak unto them, and
say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Every
man of the house of Israel that setteth up his idols
in his heart, and putteth the stumbling block of
his iniquity before his face, and cometh to the
prophet; I the Lord will answer him that cometh
according to the multitude of his idols” (Ezekiel
14:3,4). So, if you want to know the will of God
concerning your marriage, take away idols from

your heart.
Your idol could be a particular man who is a non-
Christian; that is, he is not born again. It could also
be some human qualities which came from your
carnal mind. For instance, as a lady, you might be
looking out for a man who is well-read for a
husband. If you harbour any of these idols in your
heart when you go to ask God for His will in
marriage, the Lord says He “will answer you
according to the multitude of the idols in your
heart”. Don’t idolise a man or woman. If you bring
an idol in the person of a man or a woman into your
house, your idol will turn out to be a thorn in your
flesh. He or she might come into your house and
become pricks in your eyes. Do not idolise any
person. The idol might turn your heart away from
God. Remove every idol from your heart if you have
any, and God will reveal His will to you.
In summary, four things must be kept away from
your heart in order to know the will of God for you.

The first is sin, the second is self-will, the third is
unbelief and the fourth is the idol in your heart.
Having kept all these away, you can be sure that
God will reveal His will to you, for this is “your
Father’s good pleasure”.
GUIDANCE: GOD’S GOOD PLEASURE
God is interested in your life. He knows you are
liable to make mistakes. He knows you will make a
shipwreck of your life and faith if there is no
guidance. He knows many mistakes leave
unpleasant marks on the lives of people. He is not
oblivious of the consequences of some mistakes. He
does not want you to live a trial-and-error life. He
wants to guide you. His promises cover this area of
your life. I will take you through some scriptures to
ingrain this in your heart. “I will instruct thee and
teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will
guide thee with mine eyes” (Psalm 32:8). God
loves you and He has given you the promise “I will

guide you”. Stand on that promise; hold on to that
promise; believe it and God will perform it. “The
steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and
he delighteth in his way” (Psalm 37:23). And in
Psalm seventy-three, verse eighty-four, we are
assured that God shall guide us with His counsel
and afterward receive us to glory. “Trust in the
LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto
thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and
depart from evil” (Proverbs 3:5-7). “Thus saith the
LORD, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am
the LORD thy God which teacheth thee to profit,
which leadeth thee by the way that thou
shouldest go” (Isaiah 48:17). So, the Lord has
promised to guide you. I believe the time has come
when you will see His guidance and leading in your
choice of a life partner.

PROCEDURE OF GUIDANCE
I will show you four different tools on the
procedure of guidance when you want to take a
major decision. The tools will be of immense
benefit to you if you want to know the will of God in
marriage, or if you are already married and there is a
major family decision to make.
The four tools centre on the prerequisite, pitfalls,
prayer pattern and principles of testing.
PREREQUISITE
Before you can know the will of God, you must be a
child of God. Already, you have seen the difference
between Saul and David. You have seen that God
expressly attends to the voice of His children. The
opposite is true of a seeker who has no relationship
with God. This should not annoy you. The logic is
easy. It is nonsensical to give the children’s precious
privilege to dogs. Jesus says. “It is not meet to take
the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs” . So,
the first prerequisite is that you must be a disciple

of Christ, the sheep of His pasture.
The second prerequisite is that you must act on
what you have already known. If you do not act on
what you know for now, God will not reveal the next
step to you. In the sciences, you do the practicals of
what you learn in theory before you make progress
to a new topic. This is God’s pattern too. He expects
you to live out, act out, perform whatever He has
shown you in the Bible. For instance, after a
teaching on Christian forgiveness, God will like to
see you forgive all those who have offended you
before He goes on to reveal His mind concerning the
pitfalls to avoid to you.
PITFALLS
At this juncture, I have a word for Christian men
and women who made mistakes in the past. That is,
you felt led by God to someone only to realise that
the leading was not quite true. People, not God,
sometimes say that God will no longer guide

anyone who made a mistake in the past. This is
erroneous. Samuel made a mistake when he went to
choose David and God did not reject Samuel. He
simply told him he was mistaken. If you have made
a mistake in the past, cheer up and go back to God.
But you must know and avoid some pitfalls. The
possible pitfalls are:
1.
Making decisions based on prevailing
circumstances only.
2.
Depending on human knowledge.
3. Trying to use God’s will like a wheelbarrow
which you push wherever you want it to go.
4. Tendency to be self-willed. God may give you
your will but with fearful consequences.
5. Doubting God after receiving His will just
because some problems surfaced.
6. Relapsing into the flesh after commencement

in the Spirit. If you began in the Spirit then
continue in the Spirit. Don’t walk after the flesh
or by sight.
7. Don’t put feeling for fact – don’t take a leap in
the dark; let your relationship with the Lord
put you beyond the reach of doubt and
uncertainty.
As you avoid these pitfalls, put your trust and
confidence in God. He will make things better for
you. He is your Father and He cares.
PRAYER PATTERN
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen. But without faith
it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh
to God must believe that he is, and that he is a
rewarder of them that diligently seek him”
(Hebrews 11:1,6). “If any of you lack wisdom, let
him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally,
and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him”

(James 1:5).
Whenever you are praying, you must do so in faith.
Even when doubts creep into your heart while
praying, don’t be swept off your feet. Reassure
yourself of the love of God. Rehearse scripture
verses that assure you of God’s love. Remember that
God is thinking about you. He will neither leave nor
forsake you. You are precious in His sight.
Remember the promises of God and recall His past
answers to your prayers. This will inspire faith in
you as you go back and pray to know the will of God.
There is a way you pray and receive answer to your
prayer. You must not be pretentious. You must be
natural and simple. Strip yourself of every
affectation when going to God in prayer. Don’t read
your prayer from any book. Let your prayer flow
from the depths of your burdened heart. Use your
own words. Pray in the language you understand.
Moreover, you must be prepared to receive what the
Lord gives you. God knows what you need. You do

not need to tell God that “I think a light
complexioned person will match me because I am
dark”. When the Lord makes a provision for you, it
will be alright in every sense. So, tell God to give
you the best He deems fit. Finally, believe that God
will show you His will.
Finding, Knowing And Doing God’s Will |37
When the answer to your prayer comes, how will
you know?
PRINCIPLES OF TESTING
Having fulfilled the prerequisites, prayed and
known what you believe to be the will of God, you
should test your decision. There are four principles
of testing God’s will in marriage. They are: promise
test, purpose test, peace test and pastor’s test.
Thus, your decision would be subjected to some
tests. As to the promise test, you should see
whether your decision is based on faith or
assumption, feeling and presumption. Does the
promise of God cover the revealed will?

Under purpose test, you should ask yourself if your
union with the prospective partner will help you
fulfil the purpose and objective of God for your life.
You need to ask yourself if God will be glorified by
the decision.
Also, picture yourself in the home as the life partner
of the person you are led to and see if you have an
abiding rest and peace. Does the idea of living with
this partner give you freedom from strain, worry,
anxiety and stress? Does the decision give you
peace? This is what is referred to as the peace test.
Finally, you will need to apply the pastor’s test.
Don’t act like an orphan. God has a representative in
the church. He is the pastor. Tell your pastor about
your decision and he will cross-check it for you.
When your decision has passed through the
promise, purpose, peace and pastor’s tests and
come out clean and unshakable, you can then take
the next step. At the end of these scriptural and

proven principles, you would have got rid of all
doubts. You will emerge unshakable in the will of
God. All doubts will disappear. Confusions and
conflicts will be crowded out of your heart.
But there is a big caution here. When a believer
decides to marry an unbeliever and he (the believer)
claims that his decision has passed through the four
tests, does his decision agree with the Scripture?
NEVER AN UNBELIEVER
When God leads a man to a lady, He does so
intelligently. He puts everything necessary into
consideration. Let this truth be indelibly printed on
your mind: When God leads a believer to a life
partner, He will never lead him or her to an
unbeliever. God leads a believer to another believer
of similar precious faith and love for the Lord Jesus
Christ. The leading will be to someone having
similar life goals so that they can share and live
their lives together. God will lead one believer to
another believer of similar spiritual commitment. It

would be to someone with whom you can build a
big, profound and meaningful companionship in
life.
One fact is firmly established – God never allows a
believer (born again Christian) to marry an
unbeliever. God has no interest in such union.
Pastors who bring such couples together in a ‘holy’
matrimony are disobedient to the Bible teaching on
marriage.
In Deuteronomy 7:3, the Bible says: “Neither shalt
thou make marriages with them, thy daughter
thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter
shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn
away thy son from following me, that they may
serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be
kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly”.
Also in Joshua 23:12,13, the Bible says: “Else if ye
do in any wise go back, and cleave unto the
remnant of these nations, even these that remain

among you, and shall make marriages with them,
and go in unto them, and they to you: Know for a
certainty that the LORD your God will no more
drive out any of these nations from before you;
but they shall be snares and traps unto you, and
scourges in your sides, and thorns in your eyes,
until ye perish from off this good land which the
LORD your God hath given you”. “Be ye not
unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2
Corinthians 6:14). This verse is so clear and
straightforward. Don’t do it. Do not allow anything
to lead you into it. There are seven major reasons
why a believer should not make marriage plans,
arrangements or covenant with an unbeliever.
Believers walk by faith and unbelievers walk by
sight. Therefore, you will never be able to get along
together. He who walks by sight is easily tired. He
who walks by faith affirms he will get anywhere
Christ leads him to go. “Can two walk together,

except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3). Believers
have complete allegiance to God, to the Church and
to the Word of God. Unbelievers have their own
allegiance to the world, their families and the
traditions of men. If these two – a believer and an
unbeliever – come together in marriage, there will
be divided loyalty in the home. While the believing
partner is loyal to God, the unbelieving partner is
loyal to the world. While the believing partner is
interested and delighted in the family of God, the
unbelieving partner is interested in the affairs and
lifestyle of the world. While the word of God guides
the believing partner, the traditions of the world
guides the unbelieving partner. Consequently,
there will be sharp disagreement, bitterness and
division in everything. That home will be in chaos.
There will be bad blood between both partners.
That is why God said, “they shall be snares and
traps unto you, and scourges in your sides, and
thorns in your eyes”.

The third reason a believer should not marry an
unbeliever is that there would be conflict in making
decisions. While the word of God provides the
believing partner solution, the unbeliever’s carnal
mind gives him his own solution. They have
different sources of information. The believing
partner gets his information from above. The
unbelieving partner gets his information from
below. So, the two cannot walk together.
The fourth reason a believer should not marry an
unbeliever is that they both have different goals,
pursuits and ambitions in life. So, they would be,
literally, tearing the family apart if they come
together in marriage.
The fifth reason is that both are possessed by
different spirits. The unbeliever walks according to
dictate of the spirit of the power of the air. The
believer is controlled by the Holy Spirit. When a
believer marries an unbeliever, two different

spirits, diametrically opposed to each other in
nature and works, begin a long struggle.
The sixth reason is the nature in both of them. The
unbeliever has a stony heart whereas the believer
has a heart of flesh. When a person who has a soft,
gentle and tender heart lives with a person who has
a stony heart, life becomes very difficult.
A further examination of the names, titles and
symbols used for believers and unbelievers in the
Bible shows why they must not come together in
marriage. Believers, according to Matthew 25:32,
are sheep while unbelievers, in the same passage,
are referred to as stubborn ‘goats’. It is very difficult
for a sheep and a goat to come together in marriage.
In Jeremiah 13:23, the unbeliever is referred to as
leopard, and in John 21:15, the believer is referred
to as lamb. You can imagine what will happen if a
harmless and helpless lamb is housed in the same
cage with a wild and terrible leopard. The leopard is

by nature a devourer, while the lamb is gentle. They
cannot live together. Jesus calls unbelievers
poisonous and harmful vipers while he calls the
believers ‘doves, harmless and gentle’ in Matthew
10:15. That is why Jesus warned His followers that
unbelievers are wolves in sheep’s clothing.
They are deceptive and destructive.
FAITH-INSPIRING CHALLENGES
“The road should be accident-free when I am in the
will of God”, someone may say. Yes, to a large
extent. Challenges and problems that arise when
you are in the will of God are stepping stones to
greater heights. After knowing the will of God in
marriage, problems could arise in getting the
consent of the parents. The person you are led to
might get ill. You can discover during courtship that
she is sickly or he is out of job. Friends could
aggravate ill-feeling at this juncture. Their counsel
might inject doubts and fears into your heart. You
will begin to doubt God’s leading.

We know that God called Abraham. It was the will
of God for Abraham to come out of his kindred. On
coming out in obedience to His will, the first
experience he had was a problem – great famine.
What was that meant to do? Of course, to challenge
his faith. Problems do not come because you are
wrong or weak but to develop and strengthen your
faith.
| 44
PERIOD OF COURTSHIP
n all ventures, there is usually a waiting
and planning time. A successful candidate in
Ipost-primary school entrance examination does not
rush to the school he has been admitted into. He
waits until the day of resumption. The period
between the time he got the notice of his admission
and the actual date of resumption is meant for

planning, waiting and preparation. During this
period, the successful candidate does not use the
school library or go to the dining hall to eat. He does
not enjoy the privileges of a student.
The story is the same with a job seeker. He does not
necessarily resume work the very day he receives
the letter of appointment. He will be given a date of
resumption. The period between the time he got the
letter of appointment and the actual date he
assumes duty is for waiting and planning and
perhaps praying. During this period, the
prospective worker does not go to claim the
company’s luncheon voucher or use the company’s
car. He does not enjoy the privileges of a member of
staff of the company.
The story is not too different in marriage. Having
known the will of God in marriage, and received the
lady’s consent to your proposal, you do not get
married immediately. There is a waiting, praying,

and planning time. That time is called the period of
courtship. Courtship is a period given to planning
and praying together. You must plan for your
prospective home during courtship. Remember
that if you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.
During this period, you cannot enjoy the benefits of
marriage. This is your waiting time. What do you do
during courtship? This is what we will be looking
into in this chapter.
GOAL HARMONISATION
Every right-thinking person, especially a Christian,
must have a propelling goal. Note that when two
people come together in courtship, they still have
their individual goals in mind. The man has his
goals and the lady has hers too. The time of
courtship is the period in which both of them will
come together and share these goals. The goals
might be spiritual, social, academic or physical.
You bring the goals of the two of you together and
harmonise them so much so that they will become

family goals.
Period Of Courtship | 47
This harmonisation of goals will take some time.
There are rules to observe as you harmonise your
different goals. “And the LORD God said, it is not
good that the man should be alone; I will make
him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). This
verse of scripture must be our focus in planning.
This scripture makes it clear that the person you
want to marry is a partner not a piece of property.
Secondly, you are coming together as companions,
not competitors.
The period of courtship is the time you discuss as
partners and companions; it is a time of discussion,
sharing and examination of how best you can both
fulfil your goals and ideals in life. You examine how
both of you can tread the same path with the least
friction. You look into how you will be literal
helpmeet for each other. This is the first goal you
will harmonise. “That our sons may be as plants

grown up in their youth; that our daughters may
be as corner stones, polished after the similitude
of a palace” (Psalm 144:12). This spells out a
second goal. You should aim at building a home
where the children that will come through you will
develop and live a fulfilled life. “That our garners
may be full, affording all manner of store: that
our sheep may bring forth thousands and ten
thousands in our streets” (Psalm 144:13). This
talks about the harmonisation of your different
professions. If the woman works in a different town
from where the man works, during courtship, they
are both to decide on how to harmonise the
locations of their places of work. If either of them is
engaged in a profession that will not help in
fulfilling the purpose of God in marriage and family
goals, both of them will discuss what to do during
courtship. “That our oxen may be strong to
labour; that there be no breaking in, nor going

out; that there be no complaining in our streets”
(Psalm 144:14). This scripture clinches the thought
of the overall fulfilment of all marriage goals. “I
have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished
the work which thou gavest me to do” (John 17:4).
Your purpose in life is to glorify God. Your plan and
goal must therefore include how to glorify God in
your marriage.
Also, you must know that marriage is for pleasure;
you must think about this in your courtship. God
wants you to enjoy your marriage. Marriage is not a
curse. In Hebrews 13:4, we are told that “Marriage
is honourable in all”. In Proverbs 5:18, “Let thy
fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of
thy youth”. You must harmonise this purpose
during courtship too.
Another marriage goal you should harmonise
during courtship is provision. Marriage is for
provision of care, love, security, and the needs of
each partner. “So ought men to love their wives as

their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth
himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh;
but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord
the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and
the wife see that she reverence her husband”
(Ephesians 5:28,29,33). Think and discuss during
courtship how you can provide love and care for
your partner.
In Genesis chapter one verse twenty-eight, the Bible
says: “And God blessed them, and God said unto
them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the
earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the
fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and
over every living thing that moveth upon the
earth”. Another marriage goal you will harmonise
during courtship is procreation. God wants you to
have children. During courtship, you are to discuss
the number of children you should have and how

they will have fulfilled lives. This point is re-
echoed in Psalm 127:3-5, “Lo, children are the
heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is
his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty
man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the
man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall
not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the
enemies in the gate”.
Finally, purity is another marriage goal you should
harmonise during courtship. “Nevertheless, to
avoid fornication, let every man have his own
wife, and let every woman have her own
husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). This is part of the
purpose of marriage. Your marriage must enhance
purity. You must plan on how you will be purer in
thought and action, free from all entanglements
with other women or men outside your
matrimonial home and be closer to God. In
Ecclesiastes 4:9, we learn that “Two are better than

one; because they have a good reward for their
labour”. And in 1 Timothy 5:22, we see an express
injunction “...keep thyself pure”. You must both
harmonise how you will help in keeping yourselves
pure.
There seems to be a big question in the hearts of
many believers on how to ‘keep thyself pure’ during
courtship. Christians of all leanings – evangelical,
conservative, Pentecostal, orthodox, holiness,
liberal – have problems in varying degrees in this
area. Here are seven scriptural helps on how to keep
yourself pure during courtship.
THE PLACE
The place of meeting must not engender or
encourage any evil. It must neither be a secret place
or behind locked doors. Your choice of the place of
meeting should, preferably, be an open place where
other people can see you. Why so much care about
the choice of place?
Understand that the devil is not asleep. Apostle

Paul in Ephesians 4:27 counsels that we should
“Neither give place to the devil”. If you seek any
dark or secret place to meet, you are giving place to
the devil. If you give the devil an inch, he will go a
mile. “Lest Satan should get an advantage of us:
for we are not ignorant of his devices” (2
Corinthians 2:11). If you meet in dark places, your
mind will be prone to think of the things done in
darkness.
THE POSTURE
The posture of the man and the woman when they
meet for courtship is important. During your
meeting, your posture must not be one that can play
on your partner’s emotion. You are not supposed to
sit or recline in a way that will cause your partner’s
heart to stray from purity and holiness. The
dressing of the woman especially, should be
modest; “For after this manner in the old time the
holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned

themselves”. If these hints on posture are
neglected, you might become a stumbling block to
your partner. “Let us therefore not judge one
another any more: but judge this rather, that no
man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall
in his brother’s way” (Romans 14:13). Some
Christians who are not thoroughly schooled in the
teaching on marriage put on a mast and fly a flag of
liberty during courtship. Some contend that since
they have known the will of God, there should be no
constraint to their show of appreciation because the
Bible says, “where the Spirit of God is there is
liberty”. Let such people read 1 Corinthians 8:9
which says, “But take heed lest by any means this
liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them
that are weak”.
THE PLAN AND PRIORITY
“Let all things be done decently and in order” (1
Corinthians 14:40). Your discussion and meeting

will be unfruitful if there is no deliberate and well-
planned scheme of how things should go. During
courtship, plan and prepare for the things you
would like to discuss in your meeting. It is good to
be meticulous at this point. It is advisable to write
out the plan of all you would like to discuss. As you
do this, think of your priorities and the areas you
will like to emphasize. If this is properly done, you
can be sure of an orderly, meaningful and fulfilling
meeting.
You must, however, be realistic in your planning.
Do not be idealistic. Do not fly too high in your
planning. Patience is profitable. “Also, that the soul
be without knowledge, it is not good; and he that
hasteth with his feet sinneth” (Proverbs 19:2).
THE PURITY
In your meeting, you must “Abstain from all
appearance of evil” . Let the air of purity wrap up
your conduct. Avoid every questionable act.
Whatever you cannot do if God were physically
present in your midst, avoid doing during your
meeting. Whatever you cannot do in the name of
Jesus, avoid it during your meeting. If you cannot
kiss your partner if God were physically present, do
not kiss her during your meeting. A kiss is
questionable during courtship. If you do that you
are yielding to the flesh and swallowing the bait of
the devil. It will stir up unholy desires in your
emotions. And a simple bait like a kiss during
courtship drains Christians of all fruit of the Spirit.
The next step might be to sup into the deeds of the
flesh. During your courtship, no other counsel can
be as helpful as “Abstain from all appearance of
evil”.
THE PRAYER
All problems must be brought to God in prayer
during courtship. There are diverse problems that
could arise from both ends. The parents of either
the man or the woman, or both, might delay in

giving consent. The man or the woman might have
had a child or children in the days of sinful living.
There could be financial difficulties in building the
new home of your dream. You could be
apprehensive of the demands of your would-be
parents in-law. You might like to pray about the
wedding day. You want to tell God to rebuke all
unseen forces that wreck new families on your
behalf. You need all the promises of God for the
budding family. You should ask for guidance and
wisdom in planning your home. You should ask
God to grant you favour before members of your
extended families. You should ask God to keep you
throughout your time of courtship, that you might
not fall from the faith. You must constantly take all
these to the Lord in prayer. As you do this,
remember the word of God that, “If any of you lack
wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men
liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be

given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing
wavering...” (James 1:5,6). So, be free to ask God
what you desire for your new home.
THE PRESENCE
During your meeting, the presence of God will help
in keeping you pure. The compelling presence of
God is all you need to keep you in the track of
holiness. If you recognise the presence of God, there
will be no conflict, no disagreement, no backbiting
and no questionable act will transpire between you.
The abiding presence of God is a great asset to
success in courtship. “And he said, My presence
shall go with thee, and I will give you rest. And he
said unto him, If thy presence go not with me,
carry us not up hence” (Exodus 33:14,15). The
presence of God is indispensable in your meetings
during courtship. You had better not meet if God’s
presence is lacking. The reason is obvious. If the
presence of God is found wanting, the devil, with
his host, will be present to make it a ‘blood-and-
thunder’ meeting.
THE PRAISE
How should meetings during courtship end? If
things have gone on well and both of you have had a
nice time, it is befitting to lift up holy hands and
praise the Lord. Perhaps knotty issues have been
raised and solutions were very evasive, it is still
good to lift up holy hands and praise the Lord. Even
if the woman came to the meeting only to repeat her
parents’ objection to the marriage, there is still
reason for both to give praises to the Lord. If you
have spent a couple of hours in the meeting and the
choice of place was ideal, the posture was edifying,
the prayer was powerful, the presence of God was
obvious, the purity was transparent and the plan
was really helpful, how should you end the
meeting? It is certainly with praise to the Lord. “In
every thing give thanks: for this is the will of
God”. “Let every thing that has breath praise the

LORD...” (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Psalm 150:6).
PROBLEMS OF CONFLICT
This is a major and broad area of examination in the
teaching on courtship. Courtship is not altogether a
friction-free time. Though your partner is the will of
God for you, and there is assurance and peace in
your heart that he or she is the will of God, conflicts
may arise between the two of you. This does not
mean that you are not consecrated or that your
partner is not sanctified. You need to know that the
more spiritual you are, the more problems and
conflicts you are likely to have during courtship.
Even if an angel, in his perfect state, marries a
human being, problems and heartaches will pester
that person out of his normal mind. The angel will
be too perfect for the human being. And the
human’s best conduct will be a horrible sight for the
angel. Corrections will come in quick successions.
They will be incompatible. Yet, he is an angel and

the other person is a Christian, washed in the blood
of the Lamb. The truth is that, you are different one
from the other.
It is the same in courtship between two Christians.
Two people from different family backgrounds,
with different educational attainments, life goals
and ideals, and different levels of Christian
commitment, have come together in obedience to
know God’s will, and want to share the remaining of
their lifetime together. It cannot be that easy.
Sometimes, the partners in courtship are torn
between the ideas of their parents and their own
ideas. It is, as if one is assembling parts of a car and
an aircraft together. They are not quite congruous.
There certainly, will be problems.
The expected problem of conflict in courtship can,
however, be complicated. This happens when one
of the partners, or both of them are selfish, proud,
harsh or impatient. This fact might trouble some

minds. Can a Christian be selfish, proud, harsh or
impatient? Yes.
This kind of selfishness however is stirred up by
over-excitement and enthusiasm. When they meet
for discussion, each came armed with a catalogue of
questions. Out of excitement, each wants the other
to keep quiet and listen to his or her own questions.
This is selfishness. It will cause conflict.
Sometimes, it is pride that causes conflict. The man
does not want the woman to know that he is
ignorant of some issues. He therefore explains off
every issue that appears strange to him as
unimportant.
At other times, it is the problem of harshness,
impatience and insensitivity to the need of the
other partner that cause conflict. Unwholesome
criticism from either partner also is enough to
cause conflict. Cold comments on coming late to
your meetings could cause conflicts too.
CONFLICTS CRUSHED
These problems of conflict are to be faced squarely
and resolved. There are lots of proven ways of
resolving conflicts.
The prerequisite for resolving conflict in your
courtship is the possession of a meek, lowly and
humble spirit. Be very honest with yourself and
your partner. Let your sincerity be transparent. You
must be willing to admit it when you are at fault. In
all humility, ask for forgiveness from your partner
when you are wrong. As much as possible, never
hurt your partner’s feeling or take revenge on your
partner. Respect, trust and admiration must reign in
the midst of both of you. “Recompense to no man
evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of
all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you,
live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:17,18).
When an offence is fresh and the desire to strike
back comes to you, STOP! Gracefully and carefully
withdraw all statements and attitude that will

aggravate the offence. Then, go to pray and allow
Jesus Christ to help you regain your perspective and
restore your self-control.
Whenever there is a conflict, whoever may be
wrong between both of you, whether you like to say
it or not, whether it is convenient or inconvenient,
you must both learn to say, ‘I forgive you’. And you
must say this with proper decorum. Do not say it
with a coarse and roaring voice. Say it with all the
gentleness and love that Jesus Christ displayed
when He told Peter, “Feed my sheep”.
Avoid impossible and unreasonable demands. This
leans towards selfishness. Such demands
overstretch the patience of your partner and
eventually cause irritation.
GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION
In evading conflicts, you could ask yourself some
questions before offering some major and decisive

statements. Some possible questions for such
occasions are:
1. Is what I am saying really true? (Ephesians
4:25; Proverbs 18:13).
2. Is what I would like to say profitable to my
partner? Will it help or hurt him or her?
(Proverbs 20:15; Romans 15:12).
3. Is this the right time to say what I have to say?
Or do I wait for a more opportuned time?
(Proverbs 15:23,28a; 25:11).
4. Is my attitude right? (1 Corinthians 16:14:
Ephesians 4:15).
5. Is my choice of words the best in putting the
ideas I have across? (Proverbs 15:l,2;16:23).
6. Have I prayed about the matter and am I
trusting God to help me in my communi-
cation? (Proverbs 35.6; Psalm 19:14).
You will find these questions rewarding if they are
asked and rightly answered before going into
sensitive areas of discussion during courtship.

Besides these areas of general conflicts, there is the
problem of getting into the hearts of women during
courtship. Women are usually reticent during
courtship. Why is this so?
A WORD FOR MEN
Men, generally, are ignorant in courtship whereas
women are very intelligent, observant and sharp.
Women in courtship have seven unspoken
questions. They do not ask these questions. They
ask other questions which look irrelevant and at
times nonsensical. These spoken questions are
intended to trigger the man’s mind into giving
answers to the unspoken questions.
The first of the unspoken questions is, in what way
does he respect me? The woman, in her search for
answer to this question, would do all kinds of
things to see your response. She might deliberately
come late to your meetings for discussion. She
might disagree on your choice of a tentative date of

wedding. Your response and reaction are the
answers to the unspoken question: “In what way
does he respect me?”
Other questions are:
(b) How does he esteem my parents?
(c) How will he treat me after we are married?
(d) Does he have any habit that irritates me? Is he
willing to change?
(e) How decided is he to wait until marriage before
asking for close marital intimacy?
(f) Is he totally committed to God, His work, and
His people?
(g) Why am I afraid to tell him who I am? Is he able
to handle my personal private affairs
gracefully?
When these unspoken questions receive observable
answers, the woman becomes happy, frank and
cooperative. Certainly, you cannot know
everything about a woman in courtship. All you do

during courtship is to soften the ground of her
heart. How do you then get the best in your
courtship?
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean
not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path”.
The going might not be too good in your courtship
but if you trust the Lord, all will be well.
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JOURNEY INTO MARRIAGE
arriage can be likened to a journey. You begin
to think about a journey when the desire first
comes into your heart. That is why this book begins
with an overview of marriage as a God-ordained
institution. We have also been taken through some
of the milestones along the road to marriage. You
now know how to find, know and do the will of God

in marriage. The preceding chapter concentrates on
courtship. This new chapter will focus on the
consummation of your courtship.
By now, you know that marriage is for life.
Consequently, there is every reason for you to know
the perfect will of God with regard to the person you
should marry. Having done this, you will now go
through the following stages: parents’ consent,
price of marriage and pattern of marriage.
PARENTS’ CONSENT
Christians must follow a principle of respect for
parents in their marriage plans. You cannot just
pick a woman in church and drag her to the altar.
When a believer does that, he is courting problem
from the woman’s parents. The law of the land does
not support such method of marriage and it should
not be done by believers. We are told in 1
Corinthians 14:40 that, “Let all things be done
decently and in order”.

The next thing a man does (after testing the will of
God with all the principles of testing, getting the
pastor’s approval, telling the woman and receiving
her consent) is to tell his parents about this virtuous
woman which God has given him. The woman does
the same thing also. The man and the woman must
talk to their individual parents with enthusiasm,
confidence and persuasion. Tell them lovingly and
assuringly, not with shaky voice that is devoid of
conviction. Anything short of assurance and self-
confidence will attract criticism. Paint the picture
of the partner in the best and most sincere way you
can. Assure them of his or her love. Tell them God
has a hand in it. Make them see that they need to see
him or her as soon as possible. Heighten their
expectation and do this with all love, respect and
honour.
Sometimes, parents may not accept the God-given
partner. Their objections sometimes border on
Journey Into Marriage

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tribal sentiments. Most mothers desire that their
daughters remain within their reach. Some parents
like their daughters or sons to marry someone from
their tribe. At other times, parents talk about the
social status or parental background of the partner.
Though some parents go as far as threatening not to
have hand in the marriage, such threats are always
meant to elicit our conviction and proofs that the
acclaimed partner is credible. Such threats and
resistance don’t last but give way to the heat of joint
fervent prayer of faith.
This stage is transitional in the journey towards
marriage. The question is, how does one handle this
stage? First, never get frightened or weep when you
get to this stage. And do not resort to doubt and
unbelief. Do not think that, perhaps, God’s hand is
not in it. Learn from Jesus’ experience.
JESUS’ EXPERIENCE
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about

him, he gave commandment to depart unto the
other side. And when he was entered into a ship,
his disciples followed him. And, behold, there
arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that
the ship was covered with the waves: but he was
asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke
him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he
saith unto them, Why are ye fearful. O ye of little
faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and
the sea; and there was a great calm” (Matthew
8:18,23-26). Jesus “gave commandment to depart
unto the other side”. The disciples did not get to
the other side in verse nineteen, not even in verse
twenty but in verse twenty-eight. Between the time
Christ gave the go-ahead and the fulfilment of the
commandment were a chain of traumatic
experiences.
There was a great tempest in the sea “and the ship
was covered with waves”. There were thoughts of

doom, destruction and death. There was a rebuke
from the Master, “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little
faith?” There was the stilling of the tempest and
finally, they came “to the other side”. It might be
the same in your courtship. So, you should stand
firm in the will of God. Observe that in the tempest
and trial, Jesus did not say: ‘perhaps, it is not the
will of God that I go to the other side’. Take a leaf
from Jesus. Never doubt after the will of God has
been revealed to you. The parents’ objections are
like a tempest, trial or threat of doom. If you stand
your ground, you will get to the other side. “The
king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the
rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he
will” (Proverbs 21:1). This is true of Pharaoh’s heart
and it will be the same with the hearts of your
parents too.
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MOSES’ EXPERIENCE
“And afterward Moses and Aaron went in, and
told Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel,
Let my people go, that they may hold a feast unto
me in the wilderness. And Pharaoh said, Who is
the LORD, that I should obey his voice to let Israel
go? I know not the LORD, neither will I let Israel
go” (Exodus 5:1,2). Before the Lord gave you His

will in marriage, He knew your parents may go
against it, and He has prepared for that battle.
Before God revealed to Moses His perfect will (to
lead the children of Israel out of Egypt), He knew
that Pharaoh would resist it and He was ready for
the battle.
So, from the moment Pharaoh objected to the divine
will, God began to work. In Exodus 8:19: “Then the
magicians said unto Pharaoh, This is the finger of
God”. In spite of all this, Pharaoh did not accept
immediately. “And Moses and Aaron were
brought again unto Pharaoh: and he said unto
them, Go, serve the LORD your God: but who are
they that shall go?” (Exodus 10:8). Pharaoh began

to yield and surrender. But that was a partial and
halfhearted concession. The Lord neither goes for
halfhearted concession nor would He concede
anything to those who object to His will.
Your prospective in-laws might agree to give their
son or daughter in marriage but demand that you
leave the Bible-believing church that you attend.
They might request that you begin to worship in
their own church. They might even demand that
you come to perform some rituals at the family
shrine. You must resist them vehemently. Be a
Moses. Take a cue from him. “And Pharaoh called
unto Moses, and said, Go ye, serve the LORD; only
let your flocks and your herds be stayed: let your
little ones also go with you. And Moses said, Thou
must give us also sacrifices and burnt offerings,
that we may sacrifice unto the LORD our God.
Our cattle also shall go with us; there shall not an
hoof be left behind...” (Exodus 10:24-26). But in

Exodus 12:31,32, “And he called for Moses and
Aaron by night, and said, Rise up, and get you
forth from among my people, both ye and the
children of Israel; and go, serve the LORD, as ye
have said, and be gone; and bless me also”.
So, Pharaoh agreed eventually to let the children of
Israel go because Moses and Aaron held on to their
faith. Hold on to your faith. If you believe, all things
are possible. The Bible says: “...What things soever
ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive
them, and ye shall have them” (Mark 11:24). Also,
“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which
hath great recompense of reward. For ye have
need of patience, that, after ye have done the will
of God, ye might receive the promise. Now the
just shall live by faith” (Hebrews 10:35,36,38).
While processing your marriage, remain in the
| 69
faith. Though parents may be difficult, remain in

the faith. “The just shall live by faith: but if any
man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in
him” (Hebrews 10:38).
If you go back and begin to murmur: ‘I didn’t know
that it would be so difficult’, God says He is not
happy with you. If that person is the will of God for
you, things will turn out right. Depend on God.
PRICE OF MARRIAGE
As a man, after you have got the parents’ consent,
they (the bride’s parents) will want you to pay
something. The Bible calls it ‘dowry’. The custom of
paying dowry is as old as the world. You must be
prepared to pay the bride-price or dowry.
Sometimes, they may ask for money and at other
times they may ask for other things that are not
monetary. Dowry varies from culture to culture.
“And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve
thee seven years for Rachel thy younger
daughter” (Genesis 29:18).
Here is Jacob’s dowry –seven years of hard labour. It

would have been easier if they told him to pay
money. But he had to pay in a non-monetary form.
“And Shechem said unto her father and unto her
brethren, Let me find grace in your eyes, and
what ye shall say unto me I will give. Ask me
never so much dowry and gift, and I will give
according as ye shall say unto me: but give me the
damsel to wife” (Genesis 34:11.12). Here is a man
who really wanted to get married. He said he would
pay whatever the bride price was. You should
prepare to pay whatever is demanded of you as
dowry, provided it is scriptural and reasonable.
Do not allow the demand of the bride’s parents
discourage you. David wanted to get married and
Saul demanded for dowry. “And Michal Saul’s
daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and
the thing pleased him. And Saul commanded his
servants, saying, Commune with David secretly,
and say, Behold, the king hath delight in thee,

and all his servants love thee: now therefore be
the king’s son-in-law. And Saul said, Thus shall ye
say to David, The king desireth not any dowry,
but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be
avenged of the king’s enemies” (1 Samuel 18:20-
25a). This was a great price! But David went out and
brought what Saul demanded.
Dowry may be in cash or in kind. It is clear the
parents of the woman are going to ask for dowry and
you must pay it. If it is too high, you can negotiate
for it to be reduced with persistent prayer and
pressure. But do not be scared.
If they ask for something that will cause them harm
(physically or spiritually), you should not give that.
You cannot give what would do them harm because
of your obedience to God and His word. The
principle in 1 Corinthians 10:31-33 will be helpful
| 71
here: “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or

whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. Give
none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the
Gentiles, nor to the church of God: Even as I
please all men in all things, not seeking mine own
profit, but the profit of many, that they may be
saved”.
We have three groups of people referred to in this
scripture. They are: the Church, the Gentiles and
the Jews. As a Christian in the Church, you are
either a Jew or a Gentile. You must not deliberately
offend your people, your partner’s relatives or the
Church. A man or woman who wants to marry is
dealing with these three groups of people. But,
much as you must not deliberately offend any of
these three, you must obey God. You must not
compromise your faith in God at such a time. You
must assert that “...We ought to obey God rather
than men” (Acts 5:29). If you run into any difficulty,
go back to your pastor for counsel and help.
After settling your dowry, you do not need to waste

time delaying the marriage ceremony. In most cases
in the Bible, dowry and wedding closely go
together. Unnecessary delay may cause problems.
Samson’s experience in Judges 14:10-20 shows this.
Samson paid the dowry of a Philistine lady but
delayed in taking the lady in as his wife. And in
Judges 14:20, we read that ‘Samson’s wife was
given to his companion, whom he had used as his
friend’.
PATTERN OF MARRIAGE
Let us end up this chapter with the pattern of
marriage and wedding. You have known the will of
God, and you have already spoken to the woman.
Both of you are in agreement and have discussed
with the parents on both sides who in turn have
given their consent. In most countries, you are
expected to go to the Marriage Registry. You inform
the public through the Registry that you want to get
married. The Registry will put up a notice on their

Notice Board informing the public of your intention
and requesting that if anybody has anything against
the intending couple, they should come and lodge
their complaint(s). After some time, they will call
you and join you together or tell you to go to the
Church so that the Church can finalise the
ceremony. There might be slight variations in this
from country to country. “And Jacob said unto
Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled,
that I may go in unto her. And Laban gathered
together all the men of the place, and made a
feast. And it came to pass in the evening, that he
took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him;
and he went in unto her” (Genesis 29:21-23). “And
Boaz said unto the elders, and unto all the people.
Ye are witnesses this day, that I have bought all...
Ruth the Moabitess... to be my wife.... So Boaz
took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he
went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception,
and she bare a son” (Ruth 4:9-13). “The kingdom

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of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made
a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants
to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and
they would not come. Again, he sent forth other
servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden,
Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and
my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready:
come unto the marriage. But they made light of
it,... Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is
ready, but they which were bidden were not
worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as
many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage.... And
when the king came in to see the guests, he saw
there a man which had not on a wedding
garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how
camest thou in hither not having a wedding
garment?” (Matthew 22:2-12).
A study of the marriage ceremonies in the Old and

New Testaments of the Bible reveal that today’s way
of conducting marriage is different. Bible days’
wedding ceremonies were done at home, not in the
synagogues or temples. The weddings were
arranged by the parents of the man, not by the
Church. The wedding ceremonies were done at
night, and dinner was served. Also, there would be
a feast and ceremony performed at the house of the
bride’s parents. Wedding garments were sometimes
provided for even the invitees who came for the
marriage and sometimes there were some virgins
who would follow the bridegroom, like the ten
virgins we read about in Matthew 25:1-12. There
was also a lot of eating and drinking. Jesus alluded
to this when He said that in the last days, people
will be “marrying and giving in marriage,
drinking and eating”.
Let us see some guides which are scriptural and will
be profitable to you as you plan your marriage.

Many Christians are wrong in their attitude to
marriage ceremonies and the Lord wants all of us to
go back to scriptural standards. There are no rules
as to the pattern marriage ceremony should take.
Rules are not needed in the New Testament because
we are under grace. But then, there are five biblical
principles which you can apply to your wedding:
1. The wedding day should be a joyful one.
Therefore, rejoice with your friends. Generally,
you cannot wed twice in a life time – it is only
one day of your life span. The Bible makes this
clear In Isaiah 62:5, “For as a young man
marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry
thee: and as the bridegroom rejoiceth over
the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee” .
And in John 3:29, “He that hath the bride is
the bridegroom: but the friend of the
bridegroom, which standeth and heareth
him, rejoiceth greatly because of the
bridegroom’s voice: this my joy therefore is

fulfilled”. So, the wedding day is a day to
rejoice. Do not come to the wedding ceremony
| 75
as if you are unhappy. Do not wear a long face
on your wedding day. Everybody expects you
to be happy and God expects you to rejoice on
your wedding day. “Which is as a bridegroom
coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a
strong man to run a race” (Psalm 19:5).
2. This second principle is close to the first. As
you rejoice, be careful that you do not fall or
cause others to stumble. In Psalm 2:11, we are
told to “Serve the LORD with fear, and
rejoice with trembling”.
3. Spend money on your wedding day but do not
spend all that you have. It is impossible for you
to do your wedding without spending money.
You might need to cook food, but do not spend
all the money you have on feeding your guests.

There is no commandment that you must feed
everybody but there is a commandment that
you must feed your wife. So, watch how you
spend money on your wedding.
4. Do not begin the foundation of your marriage,
home and family with borrowing. Do not give
more than you have. Remember that “The rich
ruleth over the poor, and the borrower is
servant to the lender” (Proverbs 22:7).
5. Pray in faith but plan with thoughtfulness. You
should not plan to spend the money you do not
have. Do not strive to compete with the Joneses
in your wedding plan. Rather, strive at all times
to bring glory to God. Avoid vanities and
remember 2 Corinthians 10:12, “For we dare
not make ourselves of the number, or
compare ourselves with some that commend
themselves: but they, measuring themselves
by themselves, and comparing themselves

among themselves, are not wise”.
6. Avoid useless traditions of men and do not be
bound by the unwritten law of your society.
7. Do not try to impress people through lavish
spending. If a woman wants to marry and she
goes to borrow all the fad, fancies and fashions
of a relative who married recently, the wedding
will be an aberration from scriptural standard.
The point here is that you should cut your coat
according to your cloth. Do not impress people
by spending lavishly only to bring suffering on
the new family. “And be not conformed to this
world...” (Romans 12:2).
8. Be modest in your dressing. Do all things to the
glory of God (Colossians 3:17; Philippians
4:5.6; 1 Timothy 2:9).
“When a man hath taken a new wife he shall not
go out to war, neither shall he be charged with
any business: but he shall be free at home one
year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath

taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). In the sight of God,
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wedding is a joyful thing; marriage is a beautiful
thing. In Israel, the newly-wed stays indoor for a
period of twelve months. That implies they have
their sustenance and all necessary things ready for
that period. Today, God does not expect you to stay
indoors for twelve months. The Lord, however,
expects that after wedding you would spend time
with your partner. When you are newly married,
live together. Do not start globetrotting in search of
fortune. Do not go on a study leave in a foreign
country. Live together to know each other, and get
adjusted to each other. The period immediately
after the wedding is for adjustment. The standard of
God is high and beautiful. If you stand by it, joy and
blessings will flow unceasingly in your marriage.
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5
HELP FOR THE
NEWLY MARRIED
arriage is beautiful and family life is also
wonderful. When scripturally guided, there
will be systematic progress from one stage to
another. Marriage and family life are not supposed
to be composed of a clumsy, jumbled string of trial-
and-error experiences. Marriage is a growth
experience characterised by progression in the
knowledge of a new life. The transition from the
single life to the married life is a leap from one step
to another. This transition brings about a turning
point in the life of a man or woman.
The beginning of every worthwhile venture is very
important. The beginning of a new home is most
important. It requires all the skill, talent, effort and
prayer that you can muster. The beginning of
marriage is likened to a foundation and its

importance is underscored in Psalm 11:3: “If the
foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous
do?” You would need all the help that the Bible can
offer at the beginning of your married life. The Bible
has sound and proven counsel for you as you get
married. “Hear counsel, and receive instruction,
that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end”
(Proverbs 19:20). This scripture is saying that you
will have lasting and permanent rest, joy and peace
in your new family if you hear instruction and
receive counsel from the Bible. Here are some solid
scriptural counsels for the newly married:
LEAVING AND CLEAVING
“And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall
upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his
ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And
the rib, which the LORD God had taken from
man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the
man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my

bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they
shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:21-24). This is the
first stage in the progression of the newly married’s
life. You leave one group of people for another
person. You will have to be separated from some
people in order to be joined to another person. The
tendency, though, is for the woman to remain
attached to her mother, and for the man to remain
close to his pals and pastor. But this is wrong. After
you are married, God expects you to quit intimate
Help For The Newly Married | 81
friendship and sharing with all those who hitherto
enjoyed such relationships with you. There are
scriptural examples and injunctions to support
this. “And Isaac brought her into his mother
Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became
his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was

comforted after his mother’s death” (Genesis
24:67).
As soon as Isaac got married to Rebekah, he had to
leave his father’s tent. Sarah died before Isaac’s
marriage, so he (Isaac) used Sarah’s tent,
independent of Abraham’s authority. Any other
person besides the two of you in your new home is
regarded as a stranger. “Drink waters out of thine
own cistern, and running waters out of thine own
well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and
rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only
thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy
fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of
thy youth” (Proverbs 5:15-18). In plain modern
language, this verse is saying that a married man
must cleave to his wife. The word of God says in
Song of Solomon 2:14, “O my dove, that art in the
cleft of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs,
let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice;
for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is

comely.” This calls for total cleaving.
But note that before you can cleave, you must leave
all those you will be tempted to give yourself to.
There are three categories of people you must leave:
caring parents, concerned people, and counselling
pastors.
CARING PARENTS
As you plan to go into marriage, remember that your
parents who have been caring for you still have
their hearts on you. They still think about you and
would like to oversee or monitor your life, even
after marriage. They have interest in your marriage
and will nuzzle every little detail of it. They see it as
their exclusive duty to care for you and your
spouse. They expect feedback from your
experiences in your new home.
But you should not have anything to tell them yet.
You have just entered the marriage and everything
is new. You are learning. You need to deliberately

plan on how to make the marriage successful. This
is a singular task which must be singularly done. So
do not run to give your caring parents report about
your new home. Tell everything you find new to
God and discuss it with your newly married wife or
husband.
CONCERNED PEOPLE
The concerned people are your friends and well-
wishers. The people in this category are close and
free with either of you or both of you. They will ask
questions varying from minute, insignificant
matters to weighty marital ones. They might be
concerned about how you are doing in your home
or how you are making ends meet with your meagre
income. At times, they may even want to know if
your wife is submissive at home. Some concerned
friends would like to know how spiritual your
spouse is. What do you do as the questions of
concerned people cascade? Your response should

be a simple one. Ask the concerned people whether
they have anything at stake if your wife or husband
performs below their expectation. The concerned
friends cannot nurture, care for and train your wife
for you. They cannot help you in understanding
your husband. So, the best bet is to leave them and
cleave to your spouse.
COUNSELLING PASTORS
It sounds queer that you have to leave your
counselling pastor. Without any doubt, you would
have got used to your pastor before your wedding.
Your series of visits to him for counselling might
have encouraged you to repose a lot of confidence
in him. He knows almost every detail of your life.
This is alright as a spinster or bachelor.
After you are married however, you cannot
continue with the counselling pastor. His counsel
might make a woman a domestic misfit. He might
still counsel you to spend the greater portion of
your time praying like he used to counsel you as a

spinster. He might not have come to the full
realisation of your new life and responsibility. By
oversight, he might forget that you need to cook,
wash and do other chores.
The husband is the head of the home and every
matter should be reported to him, not to the pastor.
He is to spell out how the home should be built. The
husband is closer to the wife’s heart. The wife
should take all discouragements, disappointments
and distress to him. You must leave your
counselling pastor and cleave to your loving
husband or wife.
EXCEPTIONAL CASES OF
PASTOR’S COUNSEL
There are, however, difficult areas where you need
to see your pastor for counselling. I will draw an
analogy here. A student in the college or university
does not need to go to the university teaching
hospital for a slight headache or a minor bruise. But

when there is a major accident and the student
sustains a serious injury, he cannot take care of that
all by himself in the hall of residence. He has to visit
the hospital for adequate treatment.
It is the same in the day-to-day handling of marital
problems. There are innumerable minor problems
and misunderstandings which the newly married
couple should sit together to talk over. But if there is
a major problem that seems beyond their control,
they should mutually consider seeing the pastor or
wherever help can be sought scripturally.
MARRIAGE: A LIFETIME
MUTUAL COMMITMENT
“And said, for this cause shall a man leave father
and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they
twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no
more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God
hath joined together, let not man put asunder”
(Matthew 19:5,6). The word “cleave” means to have

a bond that cannot be broken. The most effective
type of gum is called “glue”. And in Hebrew,
“cleave” means one is glued together in a covenant
relationship with another person. It is the total
commitment of two hearts one to the other. It is not
a joining together to be seen on the outside only.
The two who cleave together must be joined in the
will, emotion, spirit, heart, ambition, desire,
thought and life of each other. The Hebrew word for
marriage is ‘‘kiddushin’’ which also means
“consecration” or “state of being set apart”.
Marriage, then, is a consecration of two people to
each other. This is made clear in 1 Corinthians
7:3,4: “Let the husband render unto the wife due
benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the
husband. The wife hath not power of her own
body, but the husband: and likewise also the
husband hath not power of his own body, but the
wife”. In marriage, you become totally yielded and

submitted to each other. Even your bodies will be
yielded and submitted to each other.
This relationship is a mutual one. Many people, in
their ignorance, say that the wife must be
committed and yielded, while the husband can
remain indifferent. But this is wrong. The scripture
makes us know that it is very wrong. Commitment
between a couple is a reciprocal affair. “But he that
is married careth for the things that are of the
world, how he may please his wife” (1 Corinthians
7:33). It is scriptural for the husband to please his
wife. It is not a sign of weakness as many who lack
understanding say. Always remember that the wife
is not a servant. “... but she that is married careth
for the things of the world, how she may please
her husband”. The wife, in reciprocation, must be
diligent and careful to please her husband. She
must please him in all things. If the advice of
friends and parents go contrary to the injunction
that wives should please their husbands, such

advice is wrong and unprofitable.
BE A LEARNER
Marriage is a growth experience characterised by
progression in the knowledge of a new life. In
marriage, the couple learn and study. The husband
needs to learn many things about the wife. The wife
also must patiently study the lifestyle, conduct,
taste, habit and culture of the husband. The success
of the marriage is pivotal on the learning process.
Some husbands allow their hobbies to take more of
their time than their wives do. Some spend more
hours with their cars or their business partners than
they spend with their wives. This stifles a couple’s
relationship and the wife may feel emotionally
drained.
Husband and wife have many things to learn about
each other. The wife is not like any other woman
you meet at college, a higher institution or in the
office. She is unique in every sense. She has her

individual traits which must not be mistaken for
any other woman’s: you therefore need to take time
off to learn and know her. The husband is also
different from every other man on the face of the
earth. He has soft spots. His taste might be queer
and that makes him stand out from other men. Both
of you have a lot to learn. But there is something
significant about this learning.
DISCOVER BUT CONCEAL
As you learn, cover up your knowledge. You must
never share the knowledge you have of your wife or
husband with any other person, no matter how
close the person is to you. Do not expose your
partner to the world. You may learn that your wife is
lazy, selfish, dirty, lacking proper decorum or
wasteful in spending. Cover it up! See yourself as
the teacher and what you do during your learning
process is compilation of a syllabus of family
fellowship. All you learn about your wife forms the

body of that syllabus. You are the only person
competent enough to handle your wife and take her
through the syllabus successfully.
In this process of learning and trying to compile a
syllabus, you might discover staggering things.
Some of your discoveries might be outrageous. Do
not be irritated or over-excited to the point of going
to share it with a friend. Do not wonder whether
this is how all women look like. You should
understand that every man does this in his home
but they never bring it to you. Do not take yours to
them.
The same principle goes for the wife. As you learn
and acquire knowledge of who your husband is, do
not go to expose him. Cover him up! Your parents
and friends may ask questions about your husband.
Answer their questions but never tell them the
faults you see in your husband. When you expose
his faults, you bring shame upon your husband and
household. Do not wash your dirty linen in the

open.
What does God say about this in the Bible? “Hatred
stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins”
(Proverbs 10:12). “A fool’s wrath is presently
known: but a prudent man covereth shame”
(Proverbs 12:16). “He that covereth a
transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth
a matter separateth very friends” (Proverbs 17:9).
As you wade through the early years of marriage –
leaving, cleaving, loving, caring and going into a
lifetime mutual commitment, the ultimate goal is
how to make of your spouse a husband or wife who
is worth his or her salt. The motivating factor is to
make you the wife or husband of your dream. You
want your life, not your lips to tell your husband
and neighbours that you are an accomplished wife.
Who is an accomplished wife? Simply put, it is a
woman whose life spells the word “wife” in the
form of this acrostic:

Wise in communication
Industrious in caring, innocent in character
Faithful in companionship, forgiving in conflict
Excellent in counsel and comfort.
If your life spells this, you are an accomplished
wife.
WISE IN COMMUNICATION
Wisdom in communication is needed in building a
home. Many women wreck their homes because of
evil communication. A wife needs wisdom to
communicate with her husband. “Every wise
woman buildeth her house: but the foolish
plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1).
“The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright:
but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness”. A
wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs
15:2,4).
If you want your husband to enjoy the tree of life,
your communication will show it. “She openeth

her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the
law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26).
An accomplished wife should allow wisdom to
guide her communication with her husband.
INDUSTRIOUS IN CARING,
INNOCENT IN CHARACTER
The wife must be above reproach in her attitude to
domestic chores. Cleanliness contributes to
happiness at home. The wife who is industrious in
caring will be careful in housekeeping. “She
looketh well to the ways of her household, and
eateth not the bread of idleness” (Proverbs
31:27).That is the blessing of the wife who is
industrious in caring.
The wife is not only expected to be industrious and
caring, she must be innocent in character. The
innocent wife exclusively belongs and keeps
herself for her husband no matter how strong the
temptations from neighbours and colleagues are.
She must not conduct herself in a way to stir up

suspicion in the heart of her husband. The innocent
wife does not keep letters, text messages and social
media addresses away from her husband because of
the filthy messages they contain. “Who can find a
virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her,
so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do
him good and not evil all the days of her life”
(Proverbs 31:10-12).
FAITHFUL IN COMPANIONSHIP,
FORGIVING IN CONFLICT
A wife should strive to be her husband’s burden-
sharer. In her role as wife, she should support,
comfort, and care for her husband. Things might be
rough in the office, yet the wife should be a faithful
companion in such trying moments. When he has
problems with the in-laws, the wife must be close
enough to comfort him. Any time the husband
comes home, the wife should make the home

homely for him. It is helpful to be sensitive to your
husband’s emotional feelings.
When there is conflict, let there be forgiveness from
your end. Whenever you have conflict, remember
Ephesians 4:32: “And be ye kind one to another,
tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as
God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you”.
EXCELLENT IN COUNSEL AND COMFORT
Journeying through the married life can be
chequered. Fluctuations of joy, dread, and
sometimes fear characterise the married life. When
the heart is heavy on this journey, a wife, excellent
in counsel and comfort, is of great price. David
exemplifies a burdened husband without a
counselling and comforting wife. “Reproach hath
broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness; and I
looked for some to take pity, but there was none;
and for comforters, but I found none” (Psalm
69:20). This is the husband’s lot when there is no

comforting wife. And if you are the kind of wife you
should be, your husband should not have this
problem.
HUSBAND
How about the husband? The accomplished
husband must also be able to live a life that will
spell the word “husband” in this acrostic:
Holy in conscience
Understanding in conversation, criticism and
correction
Strong in caring and compassion
Blameless at home and abroad
Abiding in the covenant of marriage
Noble in courage and
Dependable in contributing to family needs.
The newly married man will spend time learning
how his life will say and demonstrate what is
contained in this acrostic.
HOLY IN CONSCIENCE
After you are married, God wants you to stay with
your wife alone. A worthy husband does not go into
extramarital affair. You must not think upon a maid
after you are married. “I MADE a covenant with
mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?”
(Job 31:1). If you do, you can neither be innocent
nor holy in conscience. “So he that goeth in to his
neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall
not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:29).
UNDERSTANDING IN CONVERSATION,
CRITICISM AND CORRECTION
Conversation, criticism and correction are
lubricants in the wheel of marriage. They help to
build the couple and the home. But they work like a
two-edged sword. If used properly, they will build
and make your home what it should be. If crudely
applied, they will make a mess of your marriage.
The husband stands in the position to use these
three factors to the benefit of the home. A husband,
who is worth his sort, must understand the art of

conversation, correction and criticism. What you
say in conversation, correction and criticism go a
long way in shaping your wife and winning her
confidence. “The heart of the wise teacheth his
mouth, and addeth learning to his lips” (Proverbs
16:23). “A man hath joy by the answer of his
mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how
good is it!” (Proverbs 15:23).
Many husbands become dumbfounded when they
are counselled to change their mode of
conversation, correction and criticism. They
believe they are at their best. But this is false. There
are crucial points to consider before you criticise
your wife:
1. When something goes wrong at home, don’t
assume you know who is at fault.
2. Get all facts right before you say a word in
condemnation or commendation.
3. Don’t bring past offences into the present

situation. Treat every situation as isolated case,
except where they evolve from the past.
4. Manifest love and self-control in your temper
while you are correcting your wife. Don’t
criticise in pride.
5. When correcting or criticising, do it in private.
Don’t allow a third party hear the correction or
criticism. Never correct your wife openly.
6. Criticism and correction should be like an
operation in which anaesthetic is first applied
to the diseased part. Your correction will be
very bitter and painful if anaesthetic is not
applied. Love her, commend her good points
and show genuine interest in her welfare.
Having done all this, you gently and lovingly
criticise and correct.
7. Own up where you are wrong and do so
sincerely.
8. Create a good atmosphere for her to talk. Listen

to her part of the story and defend her if this is
necessary.
9. Protect her dignity and personality.
10. Suggest specific steps to prevent the recurrence
of the mistake.
11. Pray for and with her in faith.
12. Forgive and forget. Bear no grudge with her. Let
love continue.
STRONG IN CALLING AND
COMPANIONSHIP
Care compels love to flow from the heart. A loving
husband makes himself lovable. “So ought men to
love their wives as their own bodies. He that
loveth his wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:28).
BLAMELESS AT HOME AND ABROAD
In all things and in all places (home or abroad), the
husband must be blameless. His conduct must be
above reproach and worthy of emulation. The
husband must “Do all things without murmurings
and disputings: That ye may be blameless and

harmless...” (Philippians 2:14.15).
ABIDING IN THE COVENANT
OF MARRIAGE
Christ reminds every husband what the covenant of
marriage entails: “And he answered and said unto
them, Have ye not read, that he which made them
at the beginning made them male and female,
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father
and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they
twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no
more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God
hath joined together, let not man put asunder”
(Matthew 19:4-6). The Bible equation for the
marriage union is 1+1=1. The husband must abide
in the covenant of this union.
NOBLE IN COURAGE
Courage is a virtue which must be found in
husbands. David’s show of courage as a shepherd
was exemplary. “And David said unto Saul, Thy

servant kept his father’s sheep, and there came a
lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:
And I went out after him, and smote him, and
delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose
against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote
him, and slew him” (1 Samuel 17:34,35).
If David protected animals so courageously, how
well should you protect your wife? You are
supposed to protect her against all nagging and
gossips of neighbours and in-laws.
DEPENDABLE IN CONTRIBUTING
TO FAMILY NEEDS
This is required of all faithful husbands. “But if any
provide not for his own, and specially for those of
his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is
worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8).
The husband must provide for every member of the
household.
LOVING AND CARING

Love is the most essential ingredient in marriage.
This is as profitable and priceless for the newly
married as it is for old couples.
1 Corinthians chapter 13 must be a mirror for both
partners as you relate with each other day after day.
You must see yourself in it and observe if you fall
below its precepts. Fluency in speaking, prophetic
and positive utterances, knowledge, faith in
provision of material needs are not sufficient in the
family. LOVE is the one indispensable ingredient: it
must be practical. Love must be evident in action
and attitude in the home as we endeavour to please
and edify one another. Forgiveness must be a daily
experience. Confession of each other’s fault must be
practised daily. There must be a conscious effort to
love and care one for another. “And be ye kind one
to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one
another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath
forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). “Bear ye one

another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ”
(Galatians 6:2).
BACK TO YOUR FIRST LOVE
If you are an old couple, Christ has some word for
you: “Nevertheless I have somewhat against
thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
Remember therefore from whence thou art
fallen, and repent, and do the first work; or else I
will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy
candlestick out of his place, except thou repent”
(Revelation 2:4.5). The light of the fainting goes out
when LOVE is absent. Everybody in the family will
begin to walk in darkness and stumble, offend and
take offence, when LOVE (the light) goes out. Let
love come into the family again and light will also
come in. Love is the principal thing in marriage.
Marriage cannot thrive without love.

THE TASK OF THE NEWLY MARRIED
As a newly married husband or wife you must
ensure that you contribute to your marriage
ingredients that will make it a success. You must
possess all these qualities at the beginning of your
married life. Begin on a good note. Put your best into
your marriage. There is another important task that
you have to perform: keep the ingredients there all
through your marital life – never let them slip.
WHAT COUPLES
SHOULD KNOW
arriage is a partnership and it takes the grace
of God for two people to make marriage
work. It is an exhilarating experience to get married.
Thus, marriage is usually entered into with high
expectations. Excitement of the marriage ceremony
takes on a new turn as the couple begins to
fellowship together, love, learn and appreciate each

other with every passing day. But they soon
discover that the journey through marriage is full of
ups and downs, high and low spirits, delight and
despair, darkness and daylight.
This chequered marital experience works for good.
God permits this in His wisdom so that the marriage
bond will be strengthened. On the other hand,
variegated marital experiences can weaken and
destroy the couple and their marriage. To guard
against this marriage misfortune, let us discuss
some vital points in this chapter.
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It is good to re-emphasise the fact that the success of
a marriage depends on the two partners. The wife
must be willing to give her best to meet the needs of
her husband and make their marriage work. The
husband must also give his all – his utmost – to
make the marriage work. This expressly cancels
selfishness out of the couple’s life. When you are

self-centred and demanding, you are not working
towards the success of your marriage. Neither the
husband nor the wife should be self-centred. Self-
centredness is, however, just one of the factors
which couples should be careful of. Each partner
must know his/her individual role. Both of you
should know the areas where problems arise and
the mature and scriptural approach to solve them.
Let us first focus on what the husband should know
in order to fulfil his own part in making the
marriage work.
WIFE: THE WEAKER BUT
PRECIOUS PARTNER
The number one task of the husband is to
understand and appreciate his wife. The Bible calls
her the ‘weaker vessel’. What does this mean?
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them
according to knowledge, giving honour unto the
wife, as unto the weaker vessel... ” (1 Peter 3:7). A
“weaker vessel” does not mean a useless and

unprofitable vessel. It means a “tender” vessel. The
What Couples Should Know | 101
parallel can be drawn of the breakable and
unbreakable plates used in homes. Breakable plates
are weaker and fragile but by no means useless.
Breakable plates are precious and serviceable. It is
the same with the wife. She is precious, tender and
weak.
If the wife is therefore precious and tender, what are
the things the husband should bear in mind in
relating with her?
1. Tenderness: The husband must be tender
toward his wife. He must not display his physical
strength but spiritual strength. Do not demand from
your wife what you are not willing to give. The
Bible says you should treat her as a “weaker vessel”.
This demands that you avoid a domineering
attitude.
2. Politeness: A marriage will be successful if the
husband is polite towards his wife. When you meet

a stranger, what do you do? You will welcome him
with a smile. You will want to entertain and help the
person. Husbands need to show this kind of
common politeness to their wives. Be considerate
towards her.
3. Sociability: You must be sociable, cheerful and
inviting at home. The cheerful disposition you
show toward your colleagues in the office and your
friends on the street must be seen in you at home.
When you get to the office as a man, you greet
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everybody with cheerfulness. You are humorous
and make everybody happy outside. When you
come home, bring that happiness, cheerfulness and
humour with you. A lighthearted word here and a
chat there must characterise your relationship with
your wife. This is real companionship. Bring this
sanctified entertainment into your home.
4. Understanding: As a husband, strive to

understand the fluctuations in the mood of your
wife. Her temperament and feelings change. She
has peculiarities that are unique to her. Different
women have different reactions to the same
problem. You must know your wife’s reactions to
certain things.
Sometimes, your wife might be moody. She might
appear sullen and incommunicable. This is not
necessarily because something went wrong with
her spiritually or morally. The problem could be a
physical one. She might be having her monthly
menstrual cycle. So, you must understand your
wife’s temperaments and peculiarities and be
observant, patient and understanding.
5. Fairness in Financial Matters: You must be fair
in financial matters. You must be realistic in
domestic budget. Do not give her less than she
requires. If you give her anything less than she
requires, the likelihood is that you will receive less
than you are worth. Moreover, do not expect too

much out of what you give her.
6. Private Correction and Public Commendation:
Never rebuke your wife openly. When you want to
correct her, do it in private. If you do not want your
children to disrespect their mother, do not correct
her while they (the children) are around. Do not
correct her in the presence of your parents either,
lest they make derogatory remarks about her. If you
want to correct your wife, make sure no other ear is
listening. As you correct your wife in private, you
need to commend her in the public. Do not run your
wife down before anyone. No matter how low she
falls below your expectation, bring her good aspects
out and highlight them in the public – before your
children, parents, friends, pastor and neighbours.
There is blessing in doing this. First, she will be
hopeful of some improvement and there will be
better understanding between both of you. She will
be confident of herself in the public and she will

respect you for the role you are playing in making
her the wife she dreamt to be.
7. Honesty And Truthfulness: A husband should
not be deceitful or diplomatic. If a wife cannot trust
her husband, she will find it difficult to love him. A
woman needs to feel secured in her husband’s
home. The husband should show honour and
courtesy to the wife under every conceivable
circumstance.
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CHRIST-LIKE LOVE COMMANDED
In Ephesians chapter 5, the Holy Spirit, through the
pen of Paul the apostle tells Christian husbands
how to love their wives: “For the husband is the
head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the
church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so
let the wives be to their own husbands in every
thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ

also loved the church, and gave himself for it”
(Ephesians 5:23-25) . “So ought men to love their
wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife
loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own
flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as
the Lord the church” (Ephesians 5:28,29). “For this
cause shall a man leave his father and mother,
and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two
shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I
speak concerning Christ and the church”
(Ephesians 5:31,32).
In the above Scriptures, we see that the husband-
wife relationship should be patterned after that of
Christ and His Church. In other words, the husband
should be to the wife what Christ is to the Church.
The question is: what kind of relationship exists
between Christ and the Church?
(a) Christ loves the church REALISTICALLY.
Christ’s love for the church is neither fake nor
feigned. Consequent upon this realistic love,

He never withholds anything from the Church.
The love of Christ for the Church never
diminishes even when the Church is not worth
His love. So, the husband is expected to love
his wife realistically too. Whatever the
condition of the wife, the husband is expected
to love her.
(b) Christ loves the Church SACRIFICIALLY. In
the manifestation of His love to the Church,
Christ gave up great glory. He sacrificed eternal
glory for the sake of the Church. How
sacrificial should the love of the husband for
the wife be? The husband must be willing to
give up everything to love his wife. He must
give up interest, time, pleasure, hobbies,
friends and parents to love and care for his
wife.
(c) Christ loves the Church PURPOSEFULLY. We
are told that Christ loves the Church that He

“might sanctify and cleanse it with the
washing of Water by the word”. This is Christ’s
purpose for loving the Church. Your love for
your wife must have a purpose, and the
purpose must not be selfish.
(d) Christ loves the Church WILLINGLY. Have you
ever realised that there was no motivating force
in the Church to compel the love of Christ? All
the motivation of loving the Church came from
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Christ. He decided, determined and purposed
to love.
Where there is the will to love, there will be
affection and feeling to love. Your love for your
wife must be willing love. You must determine
and purposefully love your wife. You must
always tell yourself: “I have no alternative;
this is my wife. I must love her”.
(e) Christ loves the Church ABSOLUTELY. This, in

its simple form, means that Christ neither has
limits nor reservation in His love for the
Church. The husband should love his wife
without any reservation, limit or condition.
Your love for her must be absolute. Do not
submit to people’s derision that you are too
fond of your wife.
WHAT THE WIFE SHOULD KNOW
The wife generally feels she should be understood.
If her husband does not understand her, she
becomes unhappy. She feels neglected and empty if
her husband does not give her attention. She
becomes demanding and critical because her need
for love and affection is not met. This situation is
ironical.
The wife, in the right perspective, needs to be
understanding rather than demanding. Women are
taught to “be in subjection to your own husbands;
...For after this manner in the old time the holy

women also, who trusted in God, adorned
themselves, being in subjection unto their own
husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord...” (1 Peter 3:1-6). In Ephesians chapter 5,
the wife is told to “see that she reverence her
husband”. These Scriptures make it clear that the
wife should be understanding.
You should, however, note that love between
husband and wife is more than smiling or grinning;
it includes patience with your husband, tolerating
his shortcomings, meeting his needs in every way
possible and avoiding criticisms at home.
A good wife is known by her discrete relationship
with her parents and in-laws. You should,
therefore, stop dependence on your own parents
and discountenance all criticism of your in-laws.
Your husband may sometimes show resentment
against your own parents. Your attitude should be a
meek and quiet one.
As much as possible, do not sputter domestic

problems at your husband as soon as he comes in.
You should not tell him news which will upset him
while he is just arriving home and tired. Reserve
every unpleasant news till he has had his meal.
Give praise and show appreciation for his effort
hitherto before saying whatever you have to say. Be
courteous, careful and compassionate when you
are telling him what you have to say.
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As a wife, you need a radical change. If you really
want to be loved, you must make yourself lovable.
Learn the real meaning of love. Do not let a day go
by without showing love to your husband. Rejoice,
be patient and tolerate all his problems. Neither
criticise, complain, condemn nor attempt to control
him.
AREAS OF PROBLEMS
Types and forms of family problems which tend to
threaten marriages and wreck homes are quite

inexhaustible. They include:
1. Infidelity in the home: The wife or the husband
may resent Christianity and teach the children
to do so.
2. Idolatry: Either of the partners may have the desire to worship

idols and motivate the other
partner to join him.
3. Infirmity: This borders on physical or mental
sicknesses and diseases.
4. Immorality: One of the partners may be living
in sin with other people secretly.
5. In-laws’ problem: The in-laws, at times, put up
a show of hostility.
6. Insecurity: One or both partners could feel
insecure in the home.
7. Impotence: One of the partners might be
incapable of having intimate relationship.
SOLVING THE PROBLEMS
Although we cannot give a single mathematical
solution to these problems one after another,

patience, prayer, tenacity of purpose, faith and
confidence in God are imperative requirements for
solving these problems. Besides, we need to apply
the ABC to Z of solving problems.
1. Announcing the problems or attacking the
partner will either lead to the destruction of
your home or marriage. Do not absorb them
either. Approach God and present your
challenges to Him.
2. Blaming others will not solve the problem.
Burying the problems will not help you either
because they will grow as a planted seed
naturally does. Brave them with God’s help
and you will see the end of them.
3. Create a conducive atmosphere to solve your
problems. If you give anger a place, you cannot
do this; so, refrain from angry outbursts.
4. Defending yourself will compound issues.
Own up where you are wrong and talk it over
with your partner.

5. Examine the problem and yourselves and the
problem will decrease and disappear.
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6. Face the problem squarely and you will
successfully handle it. When you discard self-
pity and apologise where you are wrong, you
are handling the issue with maturity.
7. Good fighting is a fight of faith; and like every
other fight, it has its aim, weapon, rules and
place. You have a noble aim for ‘fighting’ – to
deepen your understanding of love. The
weapon of this ‘fight’ is spiritual – the word of
God and verbal, cordial discourse. The rule is
to lower your voices. This leads to the next
point which is the place of the fight. You
should remember that it is a private ‘fight’ that
the public must not know about.
8. Hostility is bred as problems are allowed to
accumulate. If last week’s conflicts and

misunderstanding are left to incubate,
hostility and bitterness will arise. So, make a
habit of solving your problems before the day
runs out. Make sure you solve the problems as
they arise.
9. Identify your problems. When there are
problems, do not just generalise them. Identify
and pinpoint the problems as well as the
cause(s).
10. Jealousy must be avoided in the home.
Jealousy is as cruel as the grave. It affects a
couple’s relationship and colours the situation
negatively. If it is given a place in your home,
the result will be anger, cruelty and malice.
11. Kneel down and pray together after resolving
your conflicts, otherwise, shame and guilt will
remain in your heart. If you pray together after
solving the problem, Christ will give you the
grace to forgive, forget and forge ahead in your

plans.
12. Learn from the challenges you have been
through. Such lessons will help you to
improve relationship in marriage.
13. Meditate on the positive qualities of your
partner rather than on the problems you have
settled. Do not magnify your problem beyond
the actual size.
14. Negligence in handling problems will
empower the problems to bind and enslave
you without your permission or recognition.
15. Open the problems to each other and there will
be the possibility of solving them.
16. Prayer, patience and perseverance will always
overcome problems. Exercise yourself in these
virtues.
17. Quietness is the quality you must manifest
while your partner is talking about the
problem at home. Listen, learn and love your

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partner. Quietness helps you understand how
far the problem has eaten deep into your
partner. This puts you in a position to really
help.
18. Recognise that Satan has an interest in seeing
your problems grow worse if you are not
careful. So, be watchful.
19. Study the problems and think of a permanent
solution. Do not act under pressure without
the promise of God lest you find it difficult to
come out of it.
20. Take away the problems between you
otherwise they will form a barrier or a wall
which will hinder your prayers.
21. Understand your partner. Always put a
positive construction on your partner’s
actions. Ask yourself “why does he/she, do
what he/she does?”
22. Vacating the house whenever there is a

problem is cowardice. If you vacate the house,
the problem will remain right in your home.
So, do not leave the house when problems
arise. Stay put. Face the problem in the power
of the Spirit and you will overcome.
23. Worrying about problems will double the
poisonous effects of the problems on you.
Never worry about problems; pray them away
with the promises of God.
24. X is formed with two antithetical lines which
implies a crossroad. Crossroads will occur in
your life when you refuse to face the same
direction with your husband or wife. You must
bring Jesus, the Prince of peace, into such a
situation.
25. Yesterday’s problems can spoil the prospect,
privileges and pleasures of today. So, do not
concentrate on yesterday’s problems.
Concentrate on today’s pleasures and

privileges.
26. Zealously bring your tongue under control
while thinking through on your problems.
These are possible methods of solving problems
which arise among couples. “If ye know these
things, happy are ye if ye do them” (John 13:17).
You now have the solution in your hands. The
promises of God are accessible. The word of God is
still true today. If you desire to solve your marital
problems, you know how to do it; you know how to
handle the challenges bedevilling your marriage.
God will give you the grace to solve them and He
will be glorified in your marriage and family.
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MONEY IN
MARRIAGE
rom the beginning of this book, we have
been poring over marriage and family life. You

Fmust have seen that God has made great provision
in the Bible to make your marriage glorious. God
created it to be glorious though many marriages fall
short of this divine design. Instead of claiming and
enjoying promises concerning marriage, many
couples unconsciously court the problems
associated with it. How to handle money is one
problem that often crop up in the family.
This chapter dwells on the issue of money in the
family. It reveals family finance as the springboard
of many problems in the family, how to assess your
family’s financial performance, steps to financial
freedom and how faith can fund your family.
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MONEY: ROOT OF FAMILY PROBLEMS
Money occupies a crucial position in the family. It is
one of the strongest lubricating factors of a radiant
marriage.
Experience confirms the scriptural stand that

money assumes a great importance in marriage. Its
primary and pivotal position has unfortunately
diverted many husbands and wives from their
marriage covenants. Apostle Paul makes it more
exquisite in 1 Timothy 6:9,10 that; “They that will
be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into
many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men
in destruction and perdition. For the love of
money is the root of all evil... ”.
The message here is simple: that the love of money
causes problems. Below are some ways the love of
money could cause problems in the family.
1.
The ambition to accumulate wealth keeps the
man or woman outside the home. He/she
consequently robs the family of the love, time
and care they cherish and share together. This
causes dissatisfaction and dryness among
members of the family.
2.
Envy – the desire to be like the Joneses leads to
irrational spending, thus draining the family
purse. When you try to measure your standard
of living with your neighbour’s, you will
Money In Marriage | 117
import their problems into your home. You
need to desist from that. Learn from David who
said, “But as for me, my feet were almost gone;
my steps had well nigh slipped. For I was
envious at the foolish, when I saw the
prosperity of the wicked” (Psalm 73:2,3).
3.
Pride also causes problems in the family.
Solomon hit the nail on the head when he said,
“Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty
spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).
4.
Couples’ fear of old age generally plunges them
into endless hours of labour in the early years
of their marriage.
5.
Disagreement between husband and wife on
the use of fund also creates problem in the
family. Each member has a different
perspective, different set of priorities and
different interests. Therefore, there is a split in
deciding how family fund should be
disbursed.
6.
Selfishness in the handling of money creates
problems in the family. The desire of the
husband or wife to care for himself or herself at
the expense of the family drains the home of
needed care.
7.
Over-indulgence and covetousness lead to
poverty in the family. “He that loveth pleasure
shall be a poor man” (Proverbs 2 1:17). Poverty
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arises as a result of the husband or wife’s desire
to satisfy every want. When the husband tries
to impress others before impressing his wife
and children, problems arise in the family.
8.
Shaky and shady investment also causes
problems in the family. Investments made on
the spur of the moment almost always lead to
loss of money. “A faithful man shall abound
with blessings: but he that maketh haste to
be rich shall not be innocent” and “He that
hasteth to be rich hath an evil eye, and
considereth not that poverty shall come
upon him” (Proverbs 28:20,22). These verses of
Scripture, in present-day English, means that
crave to get-rich-quick leads to dubious
practices and poverty.
9. Love of materialism is unprofitable to the
family and it causes problems in the home.
10. Unwise purchases make family financial plans

to fail. Purchases based on a couple’s whims,
spurred by advertisers’ method and message
are unwise and they end up crippling the
family financially.
11. At the other extreme of unwise purchase is the
preference to save and suffer. This also poses
some problems. Bulky bank accounts at the
expense of lack of basic conveniences at home
is undesirable.
12. When a husband loves money more than his
family, there is no joy in that home. It is unwise
to keep money nearer your heart than your
wife. It is disgusting to have fat bank account
while family members are lean. That implies
that you rate money above your family.
13. Carnal, sinful spending on women outside the
home is a canker on the family finance. It eats
deep into the family purse and creates
problems in the home.

14. The idea of operating, habitually, a credit
system and borrowing makes the family
perpetually imbalanced financially. This is a
problem to the family.
15. Problems will also arise if the partners fail to
discuss family financial undertakings
mutually, learn from the Bible and from past
mistakes.
16. The absence of a family budget leads to
uncontrolled spending, unplanned
expenditure and squandering.
17. Pressure from parents and friends that drives a
partner into living a possessive life creates
problems in the family.
A panoramic view of family financial problems has
been given for you to identify the ones peculiar to
your family and get them solved. God desires to
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solve all financial problems in the family. You are

not supposed to walk on the waters of austerity,
bankruptcy and debt. Whatever your income is,
you and your family can live well.
The irony is that many couples cannot see a speck
of truth in this assertion. Most couples lack the
ability to handle money wisely.
FAMILY FINANCE TEST
Here is a test to help you see how you have been
spending money. Check each statement and circle T
or F as it applies to you.
1. T F: I owe for small day-to-day expenditures
such as groceries because I don’t have money to
pay for them.
2. T F: I have to borrow money to pay fixed
expenses such as house rent, water supply and
electricity bills.
3. T F: I am unable to say how much money I
need for my monthly regular expenses.
4. T F: I shuffle funds around, using cash
originally set aside for other purposes.

5. T F: I now borrow money to buy items which I
used to buy with cash
6. T F: I take new loans to settle old loans.
7. T F: I find it necessary to rely on extra income
to make ends meet.
8. T F: I have been repeatedly unsuccessful in
saving for future needs.
9. T F: I have been having frequent arguments
arising from money with my partner.
10. T F: I engage in suspicious or dishonest money
dealings in order to provide for myself and the
family.
11. T F: My list of “things-I’ve-just-got-to-have”
keeps growing, no matter how many of the
items I have bought.
12. T F: I find myself hesitant and unwilling to
tithe my income or give to someone in need.
Having completed the test, sum up the number of Ts
and the number of Fs you have and enter it under: T

and F. If the answers for T are more than the answers
for F, you have problems in family spending. You
need, with every sense of urgency, to do something
about learning more concerning financial
management in the family. Increased pay is not
necessarily the solution. More money has a way of
generating more spending if wisdom is not applied.
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STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM
God desires that every family is free from the
anxieties, worry and heartaches which spring from
money. He wants you to know the wise way of
spending whatever you earn. God wants you to see
money as a blessing, not a problem. Let us discuss
four steps to freedom from family financial
problems.
1. DISCUSS IT: The husband and his wife must sit
down to discuss financial matters together. Poor
communication about family spending leads to

financial foolishness. Discussion should address:
(a) Priorities in the family; things to spend money
on and how to save.
(b) Pinpoint any areas where you have recently
spent foolishly.
(c) Agree on some rules you will both follow for
better family budgeting.
If you never sat down with your partner to discuss
the family budget, that may be why there are
problems in financial matters in your family. You
can begin today. If there is no money, you can sit
down and talk about it. Be frank, open and down-to-
earth in your discussion.
2. EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT MONEY
MANAGEMENT: You should study the principles
of spending money. Materials for such study
abound in the Bible. Two-third of the parables of
Jesus Christ talk about money, the book of Proverbs
offers much to study on money.

You need to know about BUDGETING. Budgeting,
in its simplest form, is the analysis of needs before
embarking on expenditure. So, the couple must do
some analysis of family needs before spending.
You need to know about TAX RELIEF MEASURES.
The government of each country has devised means
and measures of relieving financially burdened
families. You need to know how to fill the Tax Relief
Form. It is your right and you should make the best
use of it.
3. AVOID DEBT LIKE A PLAGUE: When the sum
total of what you owe is more than the sum total of
what you have, you are in debt. Debts must be
avoided. If you are in debt, you should sit down to
plan how you will pay back. If the debt is so much
that you cannot pay at a time, you can reach an
agreement with the creditor to pay the money on
monthly instalments. Based on your income, self-
denial and self-control, you could set aside a sum of
money every month to defray part of the debt. In

this way, you will settle all your debts.
Debt is likened to bondage in Scripture. It makes
you feel uneasy at the approach of your creditor-
friends. Debt drains a Christian of joy. Strive to
settle your debts and live a free and joyful life.
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Having settled your debts, begin to spend with
prudence. Agree on a family priority list and stick to
it. Make a comprehensive list of items that are
needed at home. From the comprehensive list,
determine the most urgent and indispensable
items. Use “list shopping” to resist the impulse
items. Target “sale seasons”. Avoid browsing in
stores with a large sum of money in your wallet.
Avoid borrowing heavily on depreciating and
consumable items.
HOW TO MAKE A FAMILY BUDGET
Budgeting provides for current needs and surplus
funds for the future. You must make a budget for

your family. Four questions are helpful as you
weigh the facts and figures of making your family
budget.
(a) What do we have as the take-home pay, gifts,
bonuses, commissions, etc.?
(b) What are our fixed expenses? This includes
tithes and offerings, house rent, meal
allowance, car maintenance, transportation,
tax and savings.
(c) What are your variable expenses? This is your
monthly take-home pay minus the total
monthly fixed expenditure. In a simple
equation:
Variable expenses = Monthly take-home pay – total
monthly fixed expenditure.
(d) How can you most wisely spend the money left
for your variable expenses?
TAX, TITHE, PAYMENT OF DEBT AND SAVING
The Tax Authorities/Personnel usually deduct taxes

from the gross salary before we are paid the net. You
should know the amount you pay as tax every
month.
Tithes and offerings are your obligatory but
personal commitment to God. You should make
provision for this too. “Honour the Lord with thy
substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine
increase” (Proverbs 3:9). If you owed any debts,

you should settle all at once or a part of it every
month. You should also save for the future. Your
savings are the funds for the future. Every family
needs one. But I am sure you will begin to wonder
how to do all these within your meagre income.
The answer is simple: you can do it. The first thing
you must know and get ingrained in your mind is
that you can live a good, settled and promising life.
A financial counsellor has devised a system of
doing all you need to do within the limits of your
income. Under this system, you first deduct your
tax and tithe from your salary. You are at freedom to
spend the remaining but do this wisely. The best

income disbursement system you can adopt is the
10-20-70 system.
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10% of your income goes into your savings
20% of your income goes for the
settlement of debt
70% of your income goes for variable
spending – normal regular living
expenses.
TITHE, OFFERING AND TAX
Savings
10%
Debt Elimination 20%
Living Expenses 70%
TITHE, OFFERING AND TAX
r
Savings 10%
Debt Elimination 20%
Living Expenses
70%
FAITH FOR FUND
“I have been young, and now am old; yet have I
not seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed
begging bread” (Psalm 37:25). God has a grand

plan for the provision of your family if you depend
upon Him. God has promised that He will provide
for you. “Every man also to whom God hath given
riches and wealth, and hath given him power to
eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice

in his labour; this is the gift of God” (Ecclesiastes
5:19). There is a salient point here. God has given
power to every man to rejoice in his LABOUR. This
talks about faithful service.
FAITHFULNESS IN SERVICE
Every Christian must be fervent in his work. There
is a blessing for this. “He becometh poor that
dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the
diligent maketh rich. He that gathereth in
summer is a wise son: but he that sleepeth in
harvest is a son that causeth shame” (Proverbs
10:4,5).
God esteems labour, especially among His children.
“A man shall be satisfied with good by the fruit of
his mouth: and the recompense of a man’s hands
shall be rendered unto him”. “Wealth gotten by
vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathereth
by labour shall increase” (Proverbs 12:14; 13:11).
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God is willing to provide a job for any earnest seeker
because He has commanded that “...if any would
not work, neither should he eat” (2 Thessalonians
3:10).
God also provides funds for the family through
PRAYER. “But my God shall supply all your need
according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”
(Philippians 4:19). His riches are inexhaustible and
dependable. If you pray in faith about your family
needs, God will surely answer.
Finally, God provides for family needs through the
HOSPITALITY OF OTHERS AND CARE OF THE
CHURCH. God made this very obvious and
practicable in Bible days. “And thou say in thine
heart, My power and the might of mine hand hath
gotten me this wealth. But thou shalt remember the
LORD thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to
get wealth, that he may establish his covenant
which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day”
(Deuteronomy 8:17,18). God gives riches; He has

the power, knowledge and provision to supply our
need.
When you have got the money, remember it is
simply a tool with which to meet needs, share and
care for family members and others, serve God and
enjoy life. It will be unwise to allow money to get
into your head and heart that it begins to control
you. Money is precious but do not love it. Whatever
you have, manage it with care and prudence. God
will help you and your family to attain financial
freedom.
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CHILD TRAINING:
BUILDING FOR TOMORROW
hild-training is another milestone in the
Clandscape of marriage and family life. This
chapter and the next will examine the various

facets of child training in the family. The central
thought of this chapter is simply this: a child who is
well trained today will be an asset for the Church,
the nation and the family tomorrow. The seeds of
tomorrow’s joy are sown today as the sweat of
yesterday is serving as the source of provision for
today. What parents do for the children will be the
platform of living tomorrow and in the next
generation. The importance of child-training in the
family cannot be overemphasized.
Six different areas of child-upbringing are
expounded in this chapter and the next. This
chapter deals with the first four areas namely, gift of
children, goals for children, grief of neglect and the
gain of child-training.
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GIFT OF CHILDREN
The Bible makes it clear that children are gifts from
the Lord. The first child the earth knew, Cain, was a
gift from the Lord. At his birth, his mother said, “I
have gotten a man from the Lord” (Genesis 4:1). On
another occasion, Eve had a child and said: “For
God, ... hath appointed me another seed instead of
Abel, whom Cain slew” (Genesis 4:25).
Rachel also saw Bilha’s child as a gift from God.
“And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath
also heard my voice, and hath given me a son:
therefore called she his name Dan” (Genesis 30:6).
Joseph said the same thing concerning his children
when his father met him in Egypt. “And Joseph said
unto his father, They are my sons, whom God hath
given me in this place. And he said, Bring them, I
pray thee, unto me, and I will bless them” (Genesis
48:9).
And David, during rendition of his songs of praise,
echoed that God gives children to all. “He maketh
the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful
mother of children. Praise ye the LORD” (Psalm
113:9).
We have seen from the Scriptures that children are
gifts from God. He is always willing to take away the
reproach of barrenness and give children to
everyone.
Child Training: Building For Tomorrow | 133
CHILDREN FOR THE BARREN
A diligent study of Scripture reveals that there are
only seven women referred to as barren in the Bible.
Though once barren, God gave all of them children
miraculously. Note that the figure “seven” is
symbolic. It symbolises completeness, totality and
wholeness. The seven barren women cured of their
barrenness in the Bible typifies the totality of all
barren women in the world. Let us take a look at
these seven women:
ONE: SARAH was the first woman with the
problem of barrenness. God took away the
reproach, gave her a child and made her “mother of
nations”.
TWO: REBECCA was the second barren woman

we read about in the Old Testament. God took away
her reproach and blessed her with a child who grew
to become the nation of Israel.
THREE: RACHEL was dejected and her soul was
cast down because of the problem of barrenness. At
a time in her life, she turned to her husband, Jacob,
and said, “Give me children, or else I die”. God
visited her and she was blessed with the fruit of the
womb. She gave birth to Joseph, a man of great
honour.
FOUR: Manoah’s wife, the mother of Samson, was
also barren for some years. But the Lord sent His
angel to comfort her. A child was promised and
later she bare a son. The son was Samson, the
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scourge of the Philistines and deliverer of the
Israelites.
FIVE: HANNAH was also barren for some years.
She called unto the Lord and He heard her. She

begat Samuel, one of the greatest prophets the
world ever knew.
SIX:
The Shunammite woman was another
barren woman whom God gave a child through the
ministry of the great prophet, Elisha.
SEVEN: ELIZABETH, in the New Testament, was
also without child for many years. The Bible says
she was “well-stricken in years”. But God visited
her, promised her a child and fulfilled the promise.
She brought forth John, the forerunner of Jesus
Christ.
God attended to all these women. He proved His
might, love and mercy on behalf of these seven
barren women in the Bible. If He heard the cries of
these women in Bible days, He will hear yours
today.
Children are gifts from God. If you look up to Him,
He will give you that gift. You need to know that
when God offers a gift, it is free. You do not need to

pay for it. You do not invest time or energy in trying
to get God’s gift. Reach out in simple faith by
believing what He has said concerning you.
Remember that there is nothing impossible with
God.
HOW ABOUT STERILIZATION?
“Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and
the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are
in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the
youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full
of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall
speak with the enemies in the gate” (Psalm 127:3-
5). The fifth verse reveals that sterilization is
contrary to God’s perfect will for the family.
Families in the United States, Africa, Asia and many
other parts of the world could rationalise it but it is
crystal clear from the plan of God for the family, that
sterilization is contrary to His will. This idea is
driven home in a more forceful tone in another

passage of the Bible: “Blessed is every one that
feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways. For
thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy
shall thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy
wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine
house: thy children like olive plants round about
thy table... Yea, thou shall see thy children’s
children, and peace upon Israel” (Psalm 128:1-
3,6). This seems difficult for some people to receive.
But you need to pore over it and meditate on it.
It is obvious that children are gifts from God and
that impotence is contrary to His will in
childbearing. The nature of these gifts we receive
from God requires careful handling. Graciously
received, parents must possess attributes of love,
care, comfort, security and confidence in handling
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their children. This is not to say that you, as
parents, must indulge your children. Caring is not

killing.
There are seven reasons you should care well for
your children. First, you must take care of your
children to show appreciation to God who has
given them to you. Just as you take care of gifts –
clothes, shoes, books and flowers - in appreciation
of the care and love of the person who gave them to
you, so you must take care of your children who are
the gifts of God.
Second, you should take care of your children
because of their value. The value and potentials of
children for the gospel of Christ, the society and
humanity as a whole is simply great. It is by taking
care of them that their potentials are developed and
they become useful in life to themselves, the
church and the entire society.
Third, the pains and heartaches of losing them to
devourers and deceivers is another reason you
should take care of them. Do not stop at taking care
of them but take good care of them.

The fourth reason you must take care of your
children lies in the judgment which will befall you
if you neglect them. Eli was punished because of his
neglect of his children. Anyone who does the same
will be punished too. In order to escape this
punishment and judgment, you need to take care of
your children.
The fifth reason you should take good care of your
children is highlighted in Proverbs 23:24,25: “The
father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and
he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of
him. Thy father and thy mother shall be glad, and
she that bare thee shall rejoice”. This Scripture
talks about the father’s REWARD. The parents will
be happy and joyful.
Sixth, as you take care of your children, you are
providing precious and unforgettable gifts for your
family, the church and the nation. Your children
may become university lecturers and in that

capacity influence many people. They may become
church leaders and pastors of thousands of people
in future. The truth is that the gifts of God (your
children) to you might be gifts to the world in
future. For instance, John Wesley, Martin Luther
and Moses are their parents’ gifts to the world. Your
children can be gifts to the world too but you owe it
a duty to bring them up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord.
Seventh, the ultimate purpose of spending eternity
in joy and glory with the children whom God has
given you should compel you to take good care of
them. God does not want any of your children to
perish. “Even so it is not the will of your Father
which is in heaven, that one of these little ones
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should perish” (Matthew 18:14). With these seven
reasons in mind, you must take very good care of
your children. If you have been neglecting your

children, repent and turn a new leaf.
GOALS FOR CHILDREN
There must be clearly defined goals for your
children. Lack of defined goals makes child
upbringing a jumbled, haphazard and undirected
affair. Remember that a child cannot set goals for
himself. As a baby, the child is perfectly selfish and
self-centred. If you deny him his desires, he
becomes angry and aggressive. If he is not
restrained, he will become extremely destructive. If
the child is permitted to continue in the self-
centred world of infancy, he will grow up to become
a social misfit. That is why God wants you to set
goals for your children. God also has goals for
children. God, in the Bible, talks about the goals,
aims and objectives in child-training. He stated this
explicitly when talking about Abraham. “For I
know him, that he will command his children and
his household after him, and they shall keep the
way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that

the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which
he hath spoken of him” (Genesis 18:19). This is the
singular purpose or goal of child training. You
should bring up your children with an eye on their
Christian life, devotion and love for justice and
judgment. This is your spiritual goal for your
children. “Rid me, and deliver me from the hand
of strange children, whose mouth speaketh
vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of
falsehood: That our sons may be as plants grown
up in their youth; that our daughters may be as
corner stones, polished after the similitude of a
palace” (Psalm 144:11,12). Children are seen as

plants here. Plants do not move towards where they
will receive nourishment. They get nourishment
wherever they are. The case is the same when we
talk about children. God has sent them into your
family. They must find nourishment there. They
must be led and directed there.
Also, they must fare well socially and physically.

Your children must be as cornerstones (brilliant,
reliable and promising) polished after the
similitude of a palace. They must be fully
developed in every sense. This should be part of
your goal for your children. God wants your
children to be as steady, established and shining as
cornerstones. It is for this reason that parents have
been told to: “Train up a child in the way he should
go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it”
(Proverbs 22:6).
In training your children, ensure that they are
mentally stable and mature. You also need to bring
them up to make right decisions as they grow into
adulthood.
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Jesus had a balanced, all-round growth from
childhood that believing parents should learn from.
“And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit,
filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon

him. And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature,
and in favour with God and man” (Luke 2:40,52).
Christ “waxed strong in spirit”; He grew spiritually.
This should be your spiritual goal for your children.
Your children should wax strong in spirit.
Jesus also grew mentally as He was “filled with
wisdom”. This is the mental goal we should set for
our children.
Christ’s spiritual and mental growth did not hinder
his social life. He “Increased in favour with God
and man”. That is the fulfilment of a social goal.
Your children must be trained with the purpose of
making them fit into the social structure of the
community. Your children should be loved and
lovable. These are biblical goals parents should set
in training their children. It will be good to allow
the Bible to guide and aid you in fulfilling them.
“And that from a child thou hast known the holy
scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto
salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (2

Timothy 3:15). Children brought up in the way of
God always live for His glory.
GRIEF OF CHILD NEGLECT
Every child is full of himself. It is the responsibility
of the family to reform the child. Untold sorrow and
grief will weigh down the heart of parents who
neglect their children. Parents must wake up to this
responsibility to avoid shame and sorrow that will
result from neglect of children. The parents of a
neglected child will know no joy. The writer of the
book of Proverbs tells mothers the consequence of
neglecting their children. “The rod and reproof
give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth
his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). The
emphasis here is that child neglect causes sorrow
for the mother. We learn from Proverbs 17:25 that,
“A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness
to her that bare him”. In verse twenty-one of the
same chapter, we read that “He that begetteth a fool

doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath
no joy”. And still on the grief that comes with an
unruly child, the Scripture affirms that: “A foolish
son is the calamity of his father: and the
contentions of a wife are a continual dropping”
(Proverbs 19:13).
It is clear from the foregoing that a spoilt child
grows to become foolish and cause pain, sorrow
and grief for the parents. The reasonable course
therefore is to keep an eye on the children God has
given you. You must not leave your children to
themselves. Experience, observations and
revelation from Scripture all agree to the fact that
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children must not be left to themselves.
There are several ways in which parents can leave
the children to themselves. Some of them are:
ONE:
To begin from infancy to satisfy every

want of the child.
TWO:
To avoid correcting the child when
he picks up bad words from friends
because, “he”, according to the
parents, ‘is a nice, little innocent
boy’.
THREE:
To protect the child from the father
and all teachers who may want to
discipline him from time to time.
FOUR:
To take all decisions for him so that
he will not make mistakes.
FIVE:
To blame others for his misdemeanor
and always bailing him out of
trouble. Never letting him suffer the
consequences of his own mistakes.
SIX:
To criticise his father or mother
openly so that he will have no
respect for him or her or any elderly
person.
SEVEN:
To indulge him with food.
EIGHT:
To give him too much for weekly
allowance and excuse him from
gainful employment through which
he will learn how to earn money.
This will give him a false impression
that he does not need to work for a
living.
NINE:
To pick up everything the child drops
carelessly around the home: never
allowing him to shoulder
responsibilities or bother him with

household chores.
TEN:
To disallow him from getting
involved with other children in
outdoor games so that he does not
hurt himself.
ELEVEN:
To allow him express himself to you
and neighbours the way he chooses.
TWELVE:
To always praise the child for his
looks but never for his character.
To put a mirror on every wall of
your apartment so that he can
continually admire himself.
THIRTEEN:
To b e c r i t i c a l , s n o b b i s h ,
domineering and harsh with
everybody around you. If you do
this, you indirectly teach him by

example.
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FOURTEEN:
To give in always when he throws a
temper tantrum and becomes
angry. This gives the child room to
rule you by his temper, control and
get what he wants by his cries.
FIFTEEN:
To believe his lies and never bother
to find out the truth on your own.
SIXTEEN:
Not to enforce household rules. Be
sure that when he grows up he will
break the laws of the society
without fear of consequences.
SEVENTEEN: To spare the rod and not
discipline him/her even when he/
she errs.
These are ways parents leave their children to
themselves with grave consequences. Usually,
parents who leave their children to themselves
loose the children. The experiences of Eli (a priest),
Samuel (a prophet) and David (a king) exemplify
the unpleasant consequences of leaving children to
themselves. Eli, the priest, failed to discipline or
rebuke his children for their faults. The
consequences were terrible. Samuel, the prophet,
failed to instruct his children and they grew to live a
corrupt life. “And it came to pass, when Samuel
was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.
Now the name of his first born was Joel; and the
name of his second, Abiah: they were judges in
Beer-sheba. And his sons walked not in his ways
but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and
perverted judgment” (1 Samuel 8:1-3).
David strove to please his children in all things.
“Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself,

saying, I will be king: and he prepared him
chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before
him. And his father had not displeased him at any
time in saying, Why hast thou done so? (1 Kings
1:5-7). The consequences of David’s neglect were
grief, sorrow and calamity. If these could happen to
David, a man after God’s heart, you should take
heed and learn from his experience.
GAIN IN CHILD TRAINING
If there is grief for neglecting your children, there
must be gain for nurturing and caring for them. The
Scripture unmistakably points out the blessings
which accrue to parents who train their children.
The first gain in child training is that parents will
have peace of mind and joy over their children.
“The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice:
and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of
him. Thy father and thy mother shall be glad, and
she that bare thee shall rejoice” (Proverbs
23:24,25).
Secondly, well-groomed children will fetch the
parents a good name. This is certainly the desire of
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every family because “A good name is rather to be
chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather
than silver and gold” (Proverbs 22:1).
The third gain parents have when their children are
properly brought up is that the children will respect
them. Love, respect and unity will permeate the
home. That is why we are told that “Her children
arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also,
and he praiseth her” (Proverbs 31:28).
Over and above the respect the children and society
has for the caring parents is the reward and blessing
from God. God did not mince words when He
conferred blessings on parents who are diligent in
training their children. “Therefore shall ye lay up
these my words in your heart and in your soul,
and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that

they may be as frontlets between your eyes. And
ye shall teach them your children.... And thou
shalt write them upon the door posts of thine
house, and upon thy gates: That your days may be
multiplied, and the days of your children, in the
land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to
give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth
(Deuteronomy 11:18-21).
Another gain in child training is that a solid
foundation is laid for the next generation. In His
dealing with the children of Israel, the Lord spells
out why He wants children to be taught in His law:
“For he established a testimony in Jacob, and
appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded
our fathers, that they should make them known
to their children: THAT THE GENERATION TO
COME MIGHT KNOW THEM, EVEN THE
CHILDREN WHICH SHOULD BE BORN; WHO
SHOULD ARISE AND DECLARE THEM TO

THEIR CHILDREN” (Psalm 78:5-7).
Children also have something to gain when they are
well-trained. The Bible makes it clear that children
who are nurtured in the fear and admonition of the
Lord will live long. When they are trained and live
obedient lifestyle, they will be blessed. “Hear, O my
son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy
life shall be many” (Proverbs 4:10). “Children,
obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; which is the first
commandment with promise; That it may be well
with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth”
(Ephesians 6:1-3).
Finally, there is eternal inheritance for a child who
is well-trained. We see a classic example in the
person of Timothy. “And that from a child thou hast
known the holy scriptures, which are able to make
thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in
Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 3:15).

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GUIDE TO
CHILD TRAINING
ocus on training of children continues
in this chapter. Many parents are at a loss as to
Fhow to train their children. They have failed in this
all-important area of marriage and family life. The
result is that, the world, today, is filled with
delinquents.
Child training is very important. Its neglect is
always catastrophic – lives are ruined and
heartaches are suffered by many parents.
Neglecting child training has present and eternal
consequences.
Any parent reading this book will do well to
meditate and act on all the guidelines that will be
given on child training in this chapter. The reason
for this guidelines is that most parents have little or
no understanding of how to train children. If you

really give attention to your children in the seven
areas outlined in this chapter, they will turn out to
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be happy, successful, godly and useful children.
You will be sure of experiencing what the Bible
promises in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the
way he should go: and when he is old, he will not
depart from it”. The seven areas of training are:
parental example, persuasive exhortation, positive
encouragement, prompt explanation, pleasant
experiences, profitable exercise and practical
education.
PARENTAL EXAMPLE
“Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use
this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother,
so is her daughter” (Ezekiel 16:44). The first step in
child training is parental example. “Like father, like
son”, goes a popular adage. The power of parental
example should not be undermined. Children learn

from the example of their parents’ lives. The point
overlooked by parents but which you will do well to
note is this: your child will begin to learn from your
actions before he begins to learn from your words. If
a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If
he lives in an atmosphere of hostility, he learns to
fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be
shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel
guilty.
On the other hand, if the atmosphere is changed
and the child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he
Guide To Child Training | 151
learns to be confident. If a child lives with
appreciation, he learns to appreciate things and
people. If a child lives with fairness, he learns
justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to
have faith. If a child lives with acceptance and
friendship, he learns to radiate love everywhere he
goes when he becomes older.

PERSUASIVE EXHORTATION
“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and
forsake not the law of thy mother” (Proverbs 1:8).
The child should not be left untaught. Give the
child exhortation, instruction and teaching. But
this must be done persuasively. When should this
start?
We start teaching, exhorting, instructing and
helping children to understand the word of God
when they are still babes. You must teach the child
the difference between right and wrong. Teach him,
“Precept upon precept, line upon line, here a
little... ” As we give the child persuasive
exhortation, we must follow up by positive
encouragement.
POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to
wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). You
should not deliberately discourage your children

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with criticism, bitter words, cruel physical
punishment or refusal to show love. A perfect
example in this area is God, our Father. He never
discourages us. Many parents have discouraged
their children and these children have been
embittered rather than encouraged.
When children are confined to the house and are
never given opportunity to play, they become
discouraged. The attitude of comparing a particular
child with another child is also wrong. Many
parents never say anything positive, they are
always negative. Someone might say ‘I never tell my
child that there is something good about him. If I do
so, I will spoil that child’. Some may even add: “if I
tell the child ‘I love you, I appreciate you, aren’t you
lucky that I am your father?’ that will spoil him”. So,
they do not encourage their children.
As a parent, you should know that children thrive

on positive encouragement. They are not spoilt by
it. Even Jesus Christ, the Son of God, received a
positive encouragement while He was here on
earth. When He was coming out of the water after
His baptism, God the Father spoke to encourage
Him. Your children also need encouragement when
they are making progress in their spiritual,
academic, social and every other aspects of their
lives. God did not mince words about His
appreciation and love for His Son. He said “This is
my beloved son... ” As a parent, cultivate the habit
of encouraging your children.
PROMPT EXPLANATION
“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and
scourgeth every son whom he receiveth” (Hebrews
12:6). It is wrong to correct or discipline a child
without explaining to him what is wrong with his
action. Neglecting your child or withdrawing your
love from him after correction could be disastrous.

We should learn from God. He takes the pain to
explain to us whenever we are wrong and He
chastises us.
When you correct or punish a child, do not leave
him/her without explanation. Sacrifice the time
and take the pain to explain the reason for
punishing him/her. This will make the child not to
look at you as being wicked.
PLEASANT EXPERIENCES
“And when be came to himself, he said, How many
hired servants of my father’s have bread enough
and to spare, and I perish with hunger! ” (Luke
15:17). Genuine parental love for children leave
unforgettable pleasant experiences in their memory
when they grow older or when they go away from
the home. Do you know why the prodigal son came
back from where he went? It was because he
remembered the pleasant experiences he had while
at home.

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A child whose life has been filled with pleasant
experiences will grow up to find fulfilment in life.
Planting little flowers of pleasant experiences in the
lives of our children is part of the training which we
are supposed to give them. They will never forget
these experiences when they grow older.
It is your duty as a Christian parent to create in the
home a proper context for the development of your
children. The home should be, to the children, the
most attractive place in the world, and the mother’s
presence, the greatest attraction.
PROFITABLE EXERCISE
“For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness
is profitable unto all things, having promise of the
life that now is, and of that which is to come” (1
Timothy 4:8). Children need to exercise both the
body and the mind. To do this profitably, they need
parental guidance and supervision. With parental
direction, supervision and sometimes

participation, they can become strong and well
coordinated as well as develop team spirit and
important social values.
They also learn to be creative through purposeful,
profitable and guided exercise. If we deny our
children the opportunity to train bodily and
mentally, we are denying them the opportunity of
growing up properly. We should allow our children
to participate in activities that can build them up
physically and mentally. It is profitable to them.
PRACTICAL EDUCATION
There is an acronym for the two words ‘Practical
Education’. This can be seen below:
P -
Provision, Protection
R -
Restriction, Replacement
A -
Authority
C -
Consistency
T -
Tenderness, Thankfulness
I -
Involvement
C -
Communication
A -
Acceptance
L -
Love
E -
Example
D -
Devotion
U -
Understanding
C -
Correction
A -
Attitude development
T -
Tactfulness (wisdom)
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I-
Instruction
O -
Obedience
N -
Nationalism
In the final analysis, you need to put all the
ingredients contained in the acronym into training
your children. You surely need God’s grace to do
this effectively. Let’s examine each of the points
above.
PROVISION AND PROTECTION
As Christian parents, we must provide food,
clothing, housing and other material and physical

needs for our children (1 Timothy 5:8). We have the
responsibility of protecting them from corrupting
influences, moral impurity and worldliness. We
protect most what we value most. Children are
valuable assets; we must protect them.
RESTRICTION AND REPLACEMENT
Closely connected with our responsibility of
protecting our children is the task of restricting
them from any involvement that is dangerous and
harmful to them. We should restrict our children
from any contact that can expose them to abuse,
corrupting influences, evil association and sinful
attitudes. Joining bad gangs and watching blue
films or other forms of porn are some examples.
However, when we restrict children from harmful
involvement there should be some form of
replacement. And the replacement should be a
positive alternative. Make that which is helpful
available in order to divert their attention from

what is harmful to a harmless one.
AUTHORITY
Parental authority over the child should start early
in life. It is for the development, not for the
destruction, of the child. Parents must exercise
authority with caution. Our exercise of authority
must not deny the child of things that are
legitimate. Christian parents have the
responsibility of helping their children cultivate
respect for authority – parental, church and civil.
CONSISTENCY
In exercising authority over children, we need to be
consistent. As parents, we have to say “No”
sometimes to our children.
“How to say “No”
1. Say ‘No’ unitedly. If there is division between
parents, the child will take advantage of it.
2. Say ‘No’ consistently. Children are confused
when parents say ‘no’ today and ‘yes’ tomorrow in
the same situation and on the same matter. Let there

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be no inconsistencies in your dealings with your
children.
3. Say ‘No’ reasonably. Regardless of the age of
your child, you should be very careful about saying
no or criticising him sharply in the presence of
others.
4. Say ‘No’ expectantly. God expects you to object
to somethings that are contrary to His word. As you
do, expect that your child will emulate your
example.
5. Say ‘No’ firmly. Your child must know that you
mean what you say. If you say ‘no’ thoughtlessly
and forget it, and never check on it, you are
encouraging your child to disobey you the next time
you say ‘no’.
6. Say ‘No’ lovingly. Love must be the basis of all
our dealings with our children. When you say ‘no’,
say it in such a way as to make the child know that

you love him.
TENDERNESS AND THANKFULNESS
We must be tender with our children. We must
remember that they are fragile and helpless. We
must not drive them too hard.
We should teach them, early in life, how to be
thankful, show appreciation or gratitude for help
received from either man or God. Children should
be taught to say “thank you, daddy”, “thank you,
mummy”. They should also be taught to give
praises to God for blessings and mercies received.
INVOLVEMENT
Parents need to be involved in their children’s lives
to know the effect different influences are having
upon them. We need to be able to sense when the
children are in danger. This also helps us to discern
problems before they develop. Whether it is work,
play, household chores or recreation, your children
will enjoy doing it with you and will be open to

learn through your involvement.
COMMUNICATION
Communication is basic and essential in every
relationship. When communication breaks down,
the result is chaos. The components of
communication are interest, talking, listening and
understanding.
Interest: The interest and desire to communicate
cannot be overemphasised in child training.
Interest makes communication a pleasant
experience. When this is lacking among parents
and children, withdrawal, distance, rejection,
silence and passivity ensue.
Talking: For talking to be effective, the tone of your
voice and your facial expression matter much.
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Adjust them appropriately in line with the subject
matter.
Listening: Listening is an essential aspect of

communication. Listening to children is not an easy
thing. Yet, the habit must be cultivated. Show
willingness and readiness to listen. Listening may
be casual, friendly, intense, random or
sympathetic. When listening to your child, listen to
the words as well as the feeling or emotion behind
what he/she says.
Understanding: This is another important aspect of
communication. When you instruct your children,
don’t just assume that they understand what you
mean. And when a child talks to you, seek to really
understand what the child means. The meaning
you attribute to what is said may be totally different
from what the child really means.
ACCEPTANCE
Let your children feel accepted and loved. Let each
child know that he belongs to the family and is
wanted there. When a child knows that he is not a
stranger but an accepted member of the family, he
becomes confident and fulfilled.

LOVE
Parental love is as needful to the spiritual and
emotional growth of the child as food is to the body.
When a child knows that he is loved, he gains a
sense of security which makes him grow up in a
wholesome atmosphere.
EXAMPLE
Children are imitators. The lifestyle and habits of
parents get easily transmitted to their children.
Parent’s bad habits will induce waywardness in the
child while avoidance of evil deeds and wrong
habits will teach the child to live a morally clean
life. You owe it a duty to children to be a perfect
example before them.
DEVOTION
The family altar or the family worship time must be
the backbone that supports family activities. Every
family ought to create time, daily, for the family
altar. The family altar should be centred on praying,

Bible reading, sharing/admonition.
Family Prayer: It is a time for praying together as a
family unit. The prayer could be personal or
intercessory; it could be a prayer of submission, a
prayer of petition or even a prayer of praise.
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Family Bible Reading: The family is enriched as the
Bible is read, meditated upon and memorised.
Story-telling is also exciting as well as edifying for
all the members of the family, especially the
children.
Family Sharing: The family can take time to share
testimonies of God’s goodness and miracles
together. Children should be encouraged,
admonished and allowed to share their testimonies
with the family. Singing together and learning of
new songs is another profitable activity the family
can share together.
EXCUSES
However, people generally give excuses. Below are
some of the excuses generally given:
1.
“I don’t have time”. No matter how busy you
are, you have no excuse for neglecting the
family altar. As a parent, you must realise that
you are leading your family astray if you don’t
create time for family worship.
2.
“It is not convenient to get the family together”.
In life, some things are not easy or convenient;
yet, we do them because we realise the
importance of such things. Worship and
service must cost you something (2 Samuel
24:24).
3.
“I don’t know how to do it”. This is another
common excuse. You will discover that the
family altar is very simple when you see it as a

time for prayer, Bible reading and sharing/
admonition.
4.
“We are alright without it”. You cannot afford
to feel satisfied without apportioning time for
family altar. It is such an invaluable activity
that your family cannot afford to miss, even for
a day.
If for any of the above reasons you have been
neglecting the family altar or the family worship
time, there is need for a change. Start immediately,
be regular and be brief. Let there be variety to make
it interesting to the children. At the beginning, you
may not be able to conduct it perfectly, but with
time, your family will grow to love, enjoy and profit
from it.
UNDERSTANDING
We must help our children to understand and have
a strong sense of right and wrong. Through our
meticulous attention and training, they should be

able to demonstrate good understanding as well as
practise upright behaviour.
CORRECTION
Correction is as necessary as love. You must correct
your children. However, you need to know how to
correct them in an effective and wholesome
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manner. Note the following guidelines as you
correct or discipline your children.
1. Do not wait until a child’s behaviour is wrong
before you teach him correct behaviour. Teach
correct behaviour even where the child is
doing what is right.
2. Be in agreement with your spouse before you
discipline.
3. Never use humiliation or bad name as a means
of punishment, correction or discipline.
4. The time to discipline is at the time of
misbehaviour. The mother should not wait

until the father comes home to enforce
discipline. This makes the child dread his
father’s homecoming.
5. Discipline should fit the misdeed and the age
of the child involved.
6. It is horrifying and dangerous to use God in
threatening your child. Don’t scare your
children with Bible verses or God’s name.
Such a procedure creates resentment toward
God and His Word.
7. Don’t threaten your children, especially with
things you have no intention of fulfilling.
Threatening your children with words like “I
will break your head”, “I will keep you outside
for the whole night”, will make your child to
lose confidence in your words when he
discovers that they are mere threats.
8. Do not ask your child “why did you do that?”
You will encourage him to find an excuse. Ask,

“what did you do that was wrong?
9. Never correct with your hand. Use a rod
(Proverbs 23:13). Use your hands to show love.
Never raise your voice when you correct.
10. Never use the “eye for eye” method (biting,
pulling the hair, scratching, etc.).
11. Avoid injury. Never slap the face or any part of
the body susceptible to injury.
12. When you discipline the child, be firm. Do not
let his crying stop you. Let the child associate
wrongdoing with pain. Show love without
nullifying discipline. Remember, discipline is
love in action (Hebrews 12:6).
13. After correction, pray with your child and lead
him to pray for forgiveness.
14. If there is a need for restitution, let him do it in
an attitude of penitence and humility.
15. Never restrict the child from participating in
church activities as a means of discipline.
16. After correcting the child, explain again to the

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child the reason for the discipline. Lack of
explanation does not allow the child to profit
from discipline.
ATTITUDE DEVELOPMENT
It is the duty of every parent to help his child to
develop positive attitudes. The child should be
taught how to respond to problems, people, peers
and parents, positively. The parents should also
help the child to develop right attitude and regard
for others to avoid growing up self-centred. Let each
parent inculcate in his child, early in life, principles
of relationships – how to love, appreciate, serve and
forgive others; how to be hospitable, kind and
considerate and how to put others first. Also, let the
child learn habits of healthy living early in life.
TACTFULNESS
Children know nothing at birth. It is the
responsibility of parents to guide their children in

life. As a parent, aid your children in decision-
making processes by contributing your wisdom and
experience. However, you need to exercise caution
as you do this. Do it tactfully – at the right time, in
the right measure, and with the right approach.
INSTRUCTION
A child’s mind is like a clean piece of paper; the
parents have a responsibility to supervise and be
involved in what is written on it. Equip your child
to take up a vocation and be successful at whatever
he chooses to do later in life. Help your child to
develop work habits and ensure that he is given
proper vocational training for the job in which he
has the greatest aptitude.
OBEDIENCE
As you train up your child, you need to inculcate in
him/her obedience and submission to authority.
The child should be trained to be obedient and
submissive to the authority of God, his parents and

that of his pastor. He should also learn obedience
and submission to the rulers, the government and
his boss later in life. The child should be helped to
cultivate this habit early in life. Any effort
expended will surely be rewarded.
NATIONALISM
Parents should instil nationalism in their children.
The child should be taught about his dual
citizenship. It will be the joy of your life as a parent
to see your children grow up to be loyal, useful,
submissive and dependable members of two
nationalities – the earthly nation and the heavenly.
As a parent, you will do well to help your child
strike a balance and develop a healthy allegiance to
both nations.
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PAY THE PRICE
All these require time, sacrifice, thoughtfulness
and attention. If you will resolve to pay the price of

training your children today, you will reap a
bountiful harvest tomorrow.
Children are gifts from God and we should lavish
our concern, care, love on them so that they can
follow our godly example and instruction. If we do
this according to the guidelines provided in the
Bible, through the support of the Holy Spirit and by
the grace of God from Calvary, our children will be
well trained and they will grow up to become godly,
healthy, useful and good children. We will enjoy
them on earth and in heaven and they will be with
us all through eternity. “If ye know these things,
happy are ye if ye do them” (John 13:17).
10
LIVING TOGETHER
arriage is God’s making. He designed it
to be enjoyed. But its joys and bliss cannot be
realised without our active participation as
explained in the preceding chapters. In this

chapter, we shall consider another important
aspect of marriage and family life which is ‘staying
together’.
MARRIAGE ANCHORAGE
In Psalm chapter 133, the Lord shows the beauty of
unity, affection, love and harmony in the home.
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for
brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the
precious ointment upon the head, that ran down
upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went
down to the skirts of his garments: As the dew of
Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the
mountains of Zion: for there the LORD
commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.”
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ATTRIBUTES OF UNITY
In this short Psalm, the Lord reveals ten different
things about unity – unity in the family:
First, it tells us that unity (in the family) is good:

“how good... it is for brethren (husband, wife and
their children) to dwell together in unity”. Family
oneness and harmony is good. It is good for the
husband, wife and their children; it is good for the
Church and profitable to the nation.
Dwelling together implies that those involved are
united in purpose. They are not mere tenants living
in the same house. The husband and wife are not
just two business partners running a business
enterprise. They are not caretakers taking care of a
set of little kids together: neither are they two co-
workers working in the business of life production
(procreation).
The husband and wife are people who are united in
heart, aim and objectives. They share mutual
comfort and true fellowship in an atmosphere that
is totally free – free from conflict, strife and
division. So, the first thing you must know about
unity in the home is that it is a very good thing!
The word “good” appears in the first chapter of

Genesis. It occurred at the end of each day’s work to
compliment the creation. After completing each
day’s creation, it is recorded that “God saw that it
Living Together | 171
was good.” It is the same word, ‘good’ the Scripture
used for unity.
The second thing revealed in the Psalm is that unity
and harmony in the home is pleasant. It gives
pleasure and enjoyment. The psalmist says:
brethren to dwell together in unity. ” You can then
know that you are missing a lot of pleasure when
you miss unity and harmony in your home.
Verse 2 reads: “It is like the precious ointment... ”.
This shows that unity is precious. If a good,
pleasant and precious thing is within your reach,
prudence dictates you seek after it. This is the third
attribute of unity.
Again, we can see that from the reference, unity is
not only good, pleasant and precious, it is also holy.

It is holy because it is likened to the ointment that
was used to anoint the first high priest. This
ointment was poured upon the first high priest to
ordain him and to consecrate him for the holy
service of God.
It was a strict law in Israel that the oil used to anoint
the high priest must not be applied on a stranger or
ordinary person. It was supposed to be holy and
sacred. That shows that the unity and harmony in
the family is so holy that you cannot pour that type
of affection upon a stranger or any ordinary person.
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There is a precious and holy type of unity and
togetherness that can only be found in marriage. It
is good, pleasant and holy only within the bonds of
marriage; outside marriage, it is unholy. You must
not give it to a stranger. If this type of unity is given
to a stranger, it becomes bad, evil and unpleasant.
The unity in marriage diffuses. The ointment

poured upon Aaron during his anointing flowed
down to his beard, his garment – even the very
fringe of it, so the unity in marriage should flow and
diffuse through the family.
This affection, when manifested in the home,
affects everybody in the family. Let the husband
and the wife start it (love one another, live together,
pray together, eat together, plan together, go out
together, come in together); and that good and
pleasant unity and fellowship will soon spread to
all the children. The partners will benefit and the
children under the influence of such unity and
harmony will be blessed. Everybody will be happy.
This unity is also special. The anointing oil to
which it is likened is that which separated Aaron
from others for his special services unto God. So the
psalmist is implying that the unity he is talking
about is so special that the only thing it can be
likened to is the ointment that sets Aaron apart for
special services.
He tells us also that it is flowing: once it is set in
motion, it will never stop. This type of unity and
love starts from the wedding day and it goes on till
death parts the partners. The longer you are in that
marriage, the sweeter it is. It becomes richer and
better, as the days go by. If you have missed this type
of unity in your marriage, you have to rediscover it
as quickly as possible.
It is flowing because once it is set in motion, it will
neither stop nor cease until it reaches everybody in
the family. The effect of unity in the home has no
limit. It flows naturally to all the members of the
family without partiality or favouritism.
Let us go through that Psalm again to discover the
picture of the ideal marriage yours should be, if you
are married. If you are not married yet, develop a
mental picture of how your marriage would be.
Envision that you are living together with a man or
with a woman in such blessed unity. It will be

heaven on earth for you!
brethren (husband and wife) to dwell together in
unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the
head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s
beard: that went down to the skirts of his
garments.” This psalm opens with the word
“Behold”. The Psalmist alerts you to look up and see
an uncommon sight. If you are looking for
something which will give you enjoyment and
pleasure, something that will leave an
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unforgettable memory in you, cast your eye on
unity.
“As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that
descended upon the mountains of Zion…” Here,
the Psalmist tells us that the wonderful attribute of
unity is that it is descending. This gives the
impression that it goes from the top to the bottom;

from the strong to the weak; from the highest to the
lowest. The strongest member of the family is the
husband. This means, therefore, that unity
descends from him to the wife, and from the wife to
the children, including the newly-born babe and
the least lovable among the children.
When dew falls upon plants, it refreshes them and
supplies them with water in good measure. This
then means that unity is refreshing. In its course, it
comes upon the members of the family and
refreshes them. It relaxes the tension of life which
they face outside. It contributes to their physical,
emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual growth.
To cap it all, the second part of verse three reads: “...
for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even
life evermore”. This is the great attribute of unity:
God blesses it. It imparts blessing from God. How
beautiful a sight to see families dwell together in
unity! Unity has such a force that among whichever
set of people it is found, such cannot be separated

by sword, famine, misunderstanding or any offence
whatsoever. The husband and wife who are united
never have time to think of separation or divorce
because nothing ever prompts such an action.
Instead, they just live together and love each other.
No wonder the Psalmist exclaims: “how good and
how pleasant it is ... to dwell together in unity”!
As we consider “Living Together”, we shall look at it
from two angles: Divine Presentation and Human
Realization. Marriage is a divine institution, and so
there is a divine presentation of it.
THE PLAN OF GOD
“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken
from man, made he a woman, and brought her
unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of
my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be
called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they

shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:22-24).
The plan of God from the beginning of the world
(and which will remain till the end of the world) is
seen in the above passage. In His wisdom, God
instituted marriage. In His power, He made Adam
and Eve. In His programme, He joined both of them
together and put them in the garden of Eden.
Through Thick and Thin
When Adam was in Eden, Eve was with him. The
day Adam changed accommodation – left Eden, the
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next place he went, Eve was also there. When things
were better in Eden, they were together. When the
curse came and it was worse, they were together.
When family problems came and Cain killed Abel,
they stayed together. When they were young (as
they were created) they were together. When they
were old, they stayed together. This example
manifestly reveals God’s plan in marriage from the

beginning of the world. And His plan from the
beginning is the same through all human
dispensations to the very end of the world. He is the
eternal, unchanging God.
No Spare Part
If God had contemplated or planned for any
incidence of “divorce” between Adam and Eve, He
would have created another female who would be
waiting in the line while Eve experiments with
Adam. God would have christened the person
Esther or Elizabeth. God would have also told
Adam: “If you have any problem with Eve, push her
out, Esther or Elizabeth is an alternative”. He could
also have created a man, possibly Albert, and told
Eve: “Should you have any difficulty relating with
Adam, quit; just tell him ‘Sorry, I’ll now go to
Albert”. But God never did anything like that,
revealing that they must live together. We can infer
God was telling them that they should remain
together throughout their lifetime.

When God created Adam and Eve, and joined them
together, He meant they were to CLEAVE together in
marriage. It was to be a strong bond. They became
one flesh and had an indissoluble union. This
shows that marriage is indissoluble.
Plan immutable
“For I am the Lord, I change not... ” (Malachi 3:6). To
the children of Israel, God affirms that though
human laws may change, His plan concerning
marriage has not changed. God is wise and His laws
are products of His ageless wisdom. Suffice it to say
that His laws never change. So, as He told the
children of Israel in the passage, He is telling us
now: “I am the Lord, I change not. My initial plan,
decision and condition for marriage are still the
same today.”
Hypocrisy Rejected
“And this have ye done again, covering the altar
of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with

crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the
offering any more, or receiveth it with good will
at your hand” (Malachi 2:13). These Israelites,
having changed the plan of God for marriage, would
go to the altar of God and cry, weep, shout and
make a number of requests from God. But His reply
is: “I will not answer you. I will not even do so much
as throw a glance at you until you do the right thing
concerning marriage”.
But they did not understand God. “Yet ye say,
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Wherefore (What have we done)? Because the
LORD hath been witness between thee and the
wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt
treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the
wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one?
Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And
wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.
Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none

deal treacherously... ” (Malachi 2:14-16). This
passage is very clear and straightforward. God says
He hates separation. He loathes divorce.
It is obvious from verse fourteen that they had
already trespassed. While some had already
separated from their wives, others had divorced
their wives. But God made it known that even
though they thought they had separated, their first
wives (“wives of thy youth”) were still their
companions as long as those women remained
alive. God calls every woman who is rightly
married to a husband: “The wife of thy covenant”
and “the wife of thy youth”. Therefore God was
saying that husbands and wives must live together.
And if they have separated, they must come
together. “Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to
them that know the law), how that the law hath
dominion over a man as long as he liveth? For the
woman which hath an husband is bound by the
law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the

husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of
her husband” (Romans 7:1,2). This passage is
saying as long as the man you first married (never
married anyone else before you) remains alive, you
cannot be separated from him. He is the husband of
thy youth, the husband of thy covenant. As long as
he remains alive, you two have to live together. The
woman (wife) is released or loosed only if her
husband dies. Whether the husband is sick, weak,
poor or physically handicapped, as long as he is
alive, the wife must live together with him. “So
then if, while her husband liveth, she be married
to another man, she shall be called an adulteress:
but if her husband be dead, she is free from that
law... ” (Romans 7:3). This is the clear and perfect
plan of God.
THE PREACHING OF CHRIST
“The Pharisees also came unto him... saying unto
him, is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for

every cause? ” These people asked Jesus a question
concerning marriage. They might have thought He
was going to teach them something contradictory to
God’s plan. But we know that Jesus and His Father
are one. He was not going to, at any time, make a
fool of His Father by perverting His word. God said,
‘I hate putting away’. So we can presume the Son’s
answer will not, by any means, contradict the
Father’s plan.
Back to the Scriptures
“And he answered and said unto them, Have ye
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not read, that he which made them at the
beginning made them male and female, And said,
For this cause shall a man leave father and
mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they
twain shall be one flesh? ” (Matthew 19:4,5). Jesus
confirmed the plan and provision of God for
marriage. He, by His answer, confirmed that as long

as the world stands, the plan of the Father
concerning marriage will never be changed. He
confirmed the plan of one man to one woman
relationship in marriage. He confirmed the fact that
marriage is an indissoluble relationship.
Since God is the Source of marriage, He warned the
Pharisees that no one had the right to tamper with
it: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one
flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let
not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6).
Reconcile
“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but
the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or
be reconciled to her husband: and let not the
husband put away his wife” (1 Corinthians
7:10,11). Here, Paul reminds us of the preaching of
Christ. He said, “unto the married I command, yet
not I, BUT THE LORD…”. We have to note
something in this reference: “... unto the married I

COMMAND”. This is a straightforward command
scarcely giving room to any option. He further
stated that if any of the married should separate
from the other, such should stay single for as long as
the other partner remains alive, otherwise, he or she
should be reconciled to the other partner.
You have tried separation as a husband and you
find it more difficult than forgiving your wife, be
reconciled. As a wife, you have tried separation and
you find it tougher than forgiving and overlooking
your husband’s faults, get reconciled. It is a
command.
Wonder of God’s Plan
This issue of marriage is one thing that
differentiates human beings from animals.
Monkeys, dogs, cows, horse, etc., do not get
married. Anytime they feel like mating, they do that
anywhere and afterwards go their separate ways. In
many places today, people just behave like animals.

They do not follow the plan of God. No wonder
scientists say human beings are just higher animals.
The fact that they put on clothes, drive cars, and do
some thinking only upgraded them for the title:
“Higher Animals”. Some human beings are not
different from animals.
THE PICTURE FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also
loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he
might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of
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water by the word. That he might present it to
himself a glorious church, not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be
holy and without blemish. So ought men to love
their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his
wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his
own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even
as the Lord the church. For we are members of his

body, of his flesh, and of his bones” (Ephesians 5:25-30).
Oneness of married couple is affirmed by the Holy
Spirit. This is exactly what Adam said concerning
Eve: “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my
flesh”). For this cause shall a man leave his father
and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and
they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). This
is the picture of marriage presented by the Holy
Spirit.
Agreement of the Trinity
According to God the Father, when a man and his
wife come together, they become one flesh. The
Son, Jesus Christ, confirmed it. The Holy Spirit
emphasized it. It is clear that the plan of God is an
indivisible and indissoluble marital union. Jesus
preached on one-man-one-woman marriage
relationship, and said that it is only death that can
separate the married couple. The Holy Spirit
compared this one-man-one-woman relationship
in marriage to what exists between Christ and the

Church.
The picture given by the Holy Spirit is also clear. As
long as Christ and the Church are alive, they remain
together; and as long as the husband and his wife
are alive, they must live together. When the Church
was weak, Jesus was the head of that Church. When
the Church was (and is) being persecuted, Jesus did
(and does) not separate from her.
In all conditions and circumstances, the Church
stays together with Christ. The Holy Spirit’s picture
of marriage implies that in all circumstances and
situations in life, the wife and her husband must
remain in union.
Mystery!
“This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning
Christ and the Church.” It is such a mystery that an
ordinary human, carnal mind cannot understand
the indissoluble nature of the union. It remains a
mystery.
In our understanding, one plus one equals two. But
in marriage, one added to one equals one! This is
also a mystery that mathematicians cannot solve.
God does not see one plus one as two in marriage.
Rather, He sees one plus one as one. You say, “I don’t
understand”, God answers, “it is a mystery. You
don’t need to understand, you just practise it”. This
is the divine presentation of marriage.
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HUMAN REALISATION
The Bible’s command that a man and a woman
joined together in marriage must live together as
long as the world lasts, must be obeyed. Human
realization of this divine imperative requires that
we do away with all hindrances in order to
experience the peace of God in the home.
Destroyers of Marriage
Below are some things that mar marriages. “Now
the works of the flesh are manifest, which are

these: adultery, fornication, uncleanness,
lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred,
variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions,
heresies, Envyings, murder, drunkenness,
revellings... ” (Galatians 5:19-21). Of what
relevance are these? you may ask. These things
keep you away from achieving God’s best in your
marriage. If you, as a married man or woman, get
into any of these, you miss God’s best for your
marriage. If you get into adultery, you lose your
peace, dignity, self-respect, and of course, God’s
blessing.
The things listed above are veritable destroyers of
marriage. Uncleanness breaks the home; idolatry
rips the family of unity; sorcery is a hindrance to the
manifestation of God’s glory in marriage; self-
centredness removes love from the family;
drunkenness ruins the home. There are many more
consequences of the vices listed above. Ultimately,

they keep the evildoers away from God’s kingdom.
Getting The Best
What then can be done about these destructive evils
that stand in the way of having God’s best realised
in marriage? “Flee also youthful lusts... ” (2 Timothy
2:22). Whether or not you are married, the Bible
expressly commands that you must keep away from
lusts of the eyes and of the flesh. How do you flee
youthful lusts? Get saved. The moment you do this,
your life, home and everything will be changed.
“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace,
longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
meekness, temperance: against such there is no
law” (Galatians 5:22,23). You need the fruit of the
Spirit to make your marriage a grand success.
When you have love, your family will stand. The
joy of the Lord will be the strength of your marriage.
The peace of God in your heart will not be disturbed
by any circumstance (austerity, unemployment,
etc.). Longsuffering paves way for being patient

with members of the family. Gentleness is centred
on the husband’s kindness to his wife and the wife’s
ability to tolerate her husband’s weaknesses.
Goodness calls for mutual caring and sharing in
love. Faith in God brings fidelity into the hearts of
partners in marriage and faithfulness towards each
other. Marriage becomes interesting when the fruits
of the Spirit are manifested.
| 186
The Bible is very clear in its teachings. If you
possess the fruit of the Spirit, you will not need to
go to any law court to settle quarrels or even
dissolve your marriage. The fact that you cannot
live peaceably and harmoniously with your wife is
an indication that the fruit of the Spirit is lacking in
your life. If you are meek and temperate, you will
avoid fighting and warring with your wife.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as
Christ is the head of the church: and he is the

Saviour of the body”. What makes Jesus the Head of
the Church is love. He is an embodiment of true
love – sacrificial love; the type of love that made
Him to shed His blood for the redemption of the
Church. The love of Jesus for the Church is unique.
The Church was dirty and filthy; yet, the Lord so
much loved her that He went to the cross at Calvary
and shed His blood in order to purify her. In the
same way, you become the successful head of your
family through love.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also
loved the church, and gave himself for it.” This is a
good commandment. You do not need any other
thing. Love will not do anything evil. Love is not
selfish or self-centred. Love is caring, kind, good
and charitable.
The standard with which the love of a husband for
his wife must be measured is given: “... even as
Christ also loved the church”. Husbands therefore

need to know that when the Church was unholy,
Christ was holy. When the Church was weak, Christ
was strong. When the Church was prayerless,
Christ was prayerful. When Christ was in agony on
the cross, the Church was hiding away behind
closed doors. When Christ was dying for the
Church, the Church was denying Christ. Yet, when
He rose on the third day, He went to the fearful,
faithless Church and greeted her, “peace be unto
you”.
Your wife may close and lock the door of her heart
against you. But when you manifest this Christ-like
love, the door will be opened. When Christ loved
the Church, He did not give her something
perishable – He gave Himself for her! You too can
give yourself to your wife and be committed to it.
That means you give her all that you possess
(energy, money, clothes etc.). Then, you can wait
and see whether your wife will be transformed by
your action or not.

“So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself”
(Ephesians 5:28). Here, the Scripture enjoins every
husband to love his wife. By keeping to this
scriptural injunction, the man will do himself a lot
of favour.
As God Has Forgiven You
“And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted,
| 188
forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s
sake hath forgiven you” . (Ephesians 4:32). Know
that since both of you are human beings, there are
bound to be minor offences against each other as a
married couple. You do not need to start keeping a
register of offences committed against you by your
spouse.
Supposing since you came to the Lord Jesus, He
keeps record of your mistakes: the time you did not
pray enough; the time you did not read the Bible
enough; the time you did not witness as you ought
to – and things like that, and on account of those
offences, any time you go to God with a regret as you
kneel down to pray, He reminds you of your mistake
and says, “remember you did not witness to that
man I told you of five months ago”. You go to
worship on Sunday and as you want to start
singing, He tells you: “not yet, remember what you
said two weeks ago”. How would you feel? Would
you have remained a Christian if God had treated
you that way? Since God has graciously forgiven
you, forgive your partner also.
Joseph
Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers.
They were jealous of him. And when he took food to
them to care for them, they said, “Let us slay him”.
But one of them persuaded the others that they
should not do so. Eventually, he was sold into
slavery. To cover up their wicked deed, they

slaughtered an animal and poured its blood on his
garment. They got home and lied to their father “we
saw this on the road. Look at it and see whether or
not it is your child’s”. That was how Joseph, the
beloved of his father, was sold into slavery. He
became a servant in a strange land. While in slavery,
his master’s wife wanted to commit sin with him
but he refused. As a result, he was thrown into
prison. He suffered for years but was eventually
exalted by God.
Reunion with his family came through the
incidence of famine. His brothers went to his
domain to buy food. Immediately he saw them, he
recognised them. He gave them food to eat. He put
all their money back into their sacks together with
the food they bought. He asked them of the welfare
of their father. But he did not disclose his identity to
them. When his brothers got back home, they told
their father how they were well-received in Egypt.
They went back again to buy food. This time,

Joseph told all visitors except his brothers to leave
his presence and he shed love-motivated tears. He
told them he was their brother whom they had sold
into slavery. He did not retain their offence. He just
told them God has sent him ahead of them to Egypt.
He further told them to go and bring their families
that they may all be together. He spoke to calm their
fears.
| 190
Supposing your wife had fought and deserted you
because of your state of penury and now things
have changed. You now have a house, a car and
even servants. On hearing that you are now well-
off, she comes back to you. If you are told that she is
at the gate of your house, won’t you command your
servants to beat her up? But remember Joseph.
David
How about David, a young boy who killed Goliath
and delivered Israel from fear and defeat? He was

the person who, anytime he played on his musical
instrument, the evil spirit that tormented Saul
departed from him. But Saul became jealous of him
and hated him with passion. David had to run into
the wilderness for his dear life . Even there, Saul
sought to kill him.
But there was a day David and his men ran into Saul
when he was asleep. Joab told David, “Let me kill
this your enemy who all this while has been
pestering your life”. But David refused. He said,
“no, I must not touch the anointed of the Lord.” All
he did was to cut part of his garment. He said
“Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy
robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy
robe, and killed thee not... yet thou huntest my
soul to take it” (1 Samuel 24:11). Saul answered:
“...Is this thy voice, my son David?... ” (1 Samuel
24:16).
Eventually, Saul died in a battle. When David heard

about it, he took his garment and tore it. He cried
bitterly. The king of Israel who was his greatest
enemy had died; yet, he began to cry. When he
ascended the throne, he asked his servants to
search for any relative of Saul so that he will do him
good. This happened in the Old Testament – the
time when the grace of Christ was not fully
manifest.
Our Lord
How about Jesus Christ? He healed the sick and
cleansed the leper. He was good to virtually all men.
Yet, the people condemned and nailed Him to the
cross. While in the throes of death, He said: “Father,
forgive them; for they know not what they do”.
Are you not going to forgive your wife even though
she has pestered your life? Will you not forgive your
husband though he has troubled you? Are you
separated already? Come together again. Are you
divorced? Be reconciled. Obtain the grace of God
and be reconciled.
Why can’t you forgive? If Joseph could forgive his
brothers; if David could forgive Saul; if Jesus could
forgive those who crucified Him, you ought to do
likewise. The Holy Ghost through Apostle Paul
said, “forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ’s sake hath forgiven you”. Jesus Himself told
us to forgive those who offend us seventy times
seven, daily.
| 192
Do you find it hard to forgive like Christ? Ask for the
grace of God to fill your heart. Erase the offences
you have recorded in your diary against your
spouse. Forgive. Begin, henceforth, to live together
and love each other. As long as you live, stay with
your spouse. Stick to your marriage covenant till
death part both of you.

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Marriage and Family Life - Pastor DR William .F. Kumuyi

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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE –

Getting the Best

Pastor W.F. Kumuyi

Getting the Best

Pastor W.F. Kumuyi

Life Press Limited,

P.M.B. 1004. Yaba. Lagos.

Reg. No. RC. 30268

All Rights Reserved

First Edition 1985

Second Edition 1993

Third Edition 2014

National Library of Nigeria Cataloguing In

Marriage And Family Life: Getting The Best.

2. Family Life, Education.

Finding, Knowing and Doing

Journey into Marriage

5. Help for the Newly Married

What Couples Should Know

Child Training - Building for

Guide to Child Training

10. Living Together

arriage is the hub of human life. It is the

basic unit and foundation of the church and

the world. Rapid universal deterioration ensues

when marriage is faulty and family life is rusty.

My assertion is drawn from many years of intensive

study, counselling and pastoring. These are my

major sources of material for this book. My priority

is twofold: to prepare those eligible for marriage for

their nuptials and to provide lasting and permanent

solutions to the destructive plagues that eat off the

essence of family life.

The final product is ‘MARRIAGE and FAMILY LIFE:

family life is left unattended. Life pulsates through

every page. The counsels are comforting and

creative. They are given in the orbits of Scripture

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE

The truths set forth in this book are relevant to all -

non-Christians, Christians, Christian workers,

pastors, parents, husbands, wives, bachelors,

spinsters, widows, widowers, divorcees; the list is

interminable. The underaged might, however, let it

lie till they are of age.

It is my conviction that no marriage is so bad that it

cannot be rebuilt and toned; none so good that it

cannot be improved. No matter how fine the silver,

it can always be polished.

Plunge into these priceless pages. Read them, write

down the chief points, practise them and watch

your marriage and family life take a new shape.

arriage is a God-ordained institution

and the bedrock of life. It is central to God’s

plan for man. It is the ring that encircles the

spiritual, social, psychological and physical

aspects of human life. Marriage is a major factor

that determines whether a person would live a