It’s Real

by Mariel C. Pablo

It all happened 3 years ago. The wounds I received are not even scars yet. Three years is not enough
and I’m not sure if I will be able to be free from everything that causes me to be like this. I am Ciandra
Asteria, a 3rd year college student taking Bachelor of Science in Business Administration in one of the
most famous school here in Manila. A lot of people are telling me that I’m quite pretty but a lot of them
are also asking me why I don’t talk to guys. It’s not that I hate men, it’s not like I want to ignore every
guy who wants to communicate with me. Even if I want to, I just can’t. I can’t even look at their eyes.
I’ve been like this for 3 years already. People in our campus are already used to it. The boys at our
school are doing their best to avoid getting involved with me because they don’t want me to feel
uncomfortable, I really appreciate it actually. Until one day, a guy beside me suddenly poked me and
asked, “hi, I’m Dwayne Carillo, it’s my first day here at school. Can I know what is our first subject for
today? I forgot the class schedule.” While saying that, he was staring straight at me with a bright
smile. I froze in shock! That caring and sweet look in his eyes made me back to reality. I stand up
very quickly, I look around the classroom and they are all staring at me. Do they think that I’m crazy?
Is that happening again? “Stop looking at me, please”, I said to my mind. Before saying anything, I
quickly run away without even realizing. No, this can’t be happening. I know this feeling, it feels the
same way as I felt before. Am I imagining things again? I decided to go home after that.
The next day, I came to school early hoping not to see him again. I’m hesitating to open the door
when someone suddenly opened it. It was him, the guy who talked to me yesterday. I quickly bow my
head and entered the classroom like nothing happened. What’s happening to me? I’ve been ignoring
boys for 3 years already. Why is it so hard for me to ignores him? Is he even real? What should I do?
“Ciandria!”, one of my friends shouted. I looked at her. “The teacher is calling for you”, she said. I
quickly stand up. “Yes, ma’am?”, I said. “Ms. Asteria, you’re one of the top student in this class yet
you are not listening?”, she said. “Sorry, Ma’am. This won’t happen again”, I replied. After class, my
friend named Stacy invited me to go at a coffee shop. I agreed to go since I really have to relax my
mind. At the coffee shop, Stacy asked me if I’m okay and if there’s something wrong. I said that
everything is fine and she doesn’t have to worry about me. “You know what Cian, you’ve been weird
since what happened yesterday. Do you know Dwayne? Wait! Is he your ex-boyfriend?”, Stacy said.
So, he’s not an imagination, he’s a real person. “Relax Stacy, he’s not my ex and I don’t even know
him. I was just shock, that’s all”. “Just forgive him Cian, he’s a transferee so he probably doesn’t know
that you hate men”, she said. I just nodded and smiled at her.
One week passed and I still get nervous whenever Dwayne is around. It seems that he’s already
ignoring me. Well, that favors me. But why do I still feel this way? What’s wrong with me? I need to
see my doctor. After school, I went straight to the hospital.
I am reading a book while waiting. Since I went here without appointment, I need to wait for almost an
hour. It’s okay, I’ll wait because a lot of things has been on my mind right now so I really have to see
my doctor. While reading, I noticed that someone is standing in front of me. When I raised my head, I
saw a very familiar face. I looked down immediately, it’s that Dwayne. What is he doing here? My
heart beat is going so fasts, I don’t know what to do. I was so shocked when he suddenly kneeled
down and looked at my face closely. “What’s wrong with you Mr. Dwayne Carillo?!”, I shouted. “So,
you know me?”, he said coldly. I run outside, immediately. What just happened? I talked to him? As I
was running, someone suddenly grabbed my hand. “Wait, are you sick? Why are you always run
when I am talking to you? Do you think that I am also a virus?”, Dwayne said. What is he talking
about? Hindi pa din ako makatingin sa kanya. I can’t also talk. “Come on, let’s talk. I promise, I am
not a virus”, he said. I just nodded then pumunta kami sa isang park na malapit lang sa clinic. “By the
way, sorry if I suddenly talked to you last time. One of our classmates told me na you are allergic to
men and that you see men as virus. They even told me that maybe it was because your ex-boyfriend
cheated on you. Do I also look like a virus to you?”, he asked. Bigla akong napatawa sa sinabi niya.
Saan naman nila nakuha yung mga chismis na yon? Huminga ako ng malalim at nilakasan ang loob
ko. Tumigin ako sakanya and I noticed how handsome he is. Sobrang tangos ng ilong niya, maputi
siya, matangkad, parang ang lambot ng hair niya, and those lips. Wait! Ano ba yang iniisip ko. I
immediately looked away. I was so embarrassed. “Can I ask something?”, he said. I said yes. “Why
are you at the hospital earlier?”, he said. “Actually, I am here to see my psychologist. I’ve been
receiving treatment for 3 years because I suffered from a psychological disease called erotamania.
Erotomania is when you think someone is in love with you but they’re not. It may be a person you’ve
never met. They might even be famous, like a politician or an actor. You can be so sure of this love
that you think you’re in a relationship with this person. You may not be able to accept facts that prove
otherwise. To make it short, erotomania is a delusion in which a person (typically a woman) believes
that another person (typically a higher social status) is in love with them. I never had a boyfriend for
real but I fell in-love with someone who isn’t real. I believed that I was in a relationship with my
imaginary boyfriend for a year. My doctor told us na it was because of so much stress and sadness.
My parents are both business owners. I rarely get to see them before. When, my mom died, my father
focuses only to our business. That was when it all started. When my father noticed what’s wrong with
me it’s already too late, he told me na lilipat na kami sa Manila and dito na ko mag-aaral. I refused
dahil ayokong malayo sa imaginary boyfriend ko. I was begging my dad because I can’t leave him. I
thought I finally found someone who will accompany me, someone who will care for me, someone
who will give all his attention to me. I felt like I was healing because of him but in reality, he’s a
psychological disease that’s been killing me mentally. Since then, I stopped talking to any boys dahil
natatakot ako na baka mamaya imagination ko lang yung nakikita ko. Actually, after 3 years ngayon
lang ako ulit nakipag usap sa lalaki exept for my dad. Because I’m scared to fall in-love again with a
person that only exist in my mind”, I stopped talking when he hands me a handkerchief. I didn’t
realize that I’m already crying. “Does he have a name?”, he asked. “Ezekiel, that’s his name. Is it
funny that I still remembered even though he is just an imagination? Actually, he is as tall as you. You
both have the same smile and same brown deep eyes that looks so caring and sweet. But he has two
dimples and he is not as white as you. His hair is also longer than yours. Oh! Sorry, I don’t mean to
compare the both of you”. He laughed and said, “Are you making me jealous?”. What? “I’m just
kidding”, he said. “That’s amazing, I wish someone could love me like you. I can see that you give
love so genuinely and there’s nothing wrong with you. Always remember that there’s nothing wrong
with wanting to feel loved, okay? Let’s go back to the hospital?”, he added.
We went back to the hospital together. I feel so comfortable with him already and I felt like something
that is stocked inside me has been removed. “By the way, why are you at the hospital? Are you
sick?”, I asked. He said no and that he’s here to pick up her mother. Nag-paalam na ko sa kanya na
pupunta nako sa appointment ko. Sabi naman niya na hihintayin niya nalang daw sa labas yung
mother niya.
During my appointment, sinabi ko kay Doc Sarah na for the first time in 3 years, I can be able to
communicate with a guy. “It looks like you are happy about it. It’s a good sign. You’ve been under an
intensive psychotherapy and drug treatment for 3years. I think, this is the first that I saw an
improvement. Is that all?”, she said. I said yes at binigyan niya ko ng mga prescriptions. Sabi din ni
Doc. hahatid niya na din daw ako pauwi. Pagka labas namin ng hospital, I saw Dwayne again. “Hi
mom”, he said and hugged Doc. Sarah. Wait, he is Doc Sarah’s son? “Hi, Ciandria. You’re not gonna
run again, are you?”, he said. “You know each other?”, Doc Sarah asked. “Yes, mom. We’re
classmates, right Ciandria?”, he said. “Ciandria, is he the guy you ar-“ before she finished what she
was about say I said that I really need to go already since my father is waiting for me.
When we arrived at my house, Dwayne got off the car and opened the door for me. I said thank you
and he said, “You’re welcome, my princess. Good night and see you tomorrow”. Obviously, he was
teasing me. I think it’s part of his character.
Tomorrow morning, when I’m about to go to school my father told me that my classmate is here to
pick me up. I thought it was Stacy but to my surprise, it was Dwayne! What is he even doing here this
early? My heart is beating so fast again. Wala na kong nagawa kung hindi sumabay nalang sakanya
papasok. “If you’re Doc Sarah’s son, bakit ngayon lang kita nakita na kasama siya?”, I asked him. He
told me na his parents are divorced. He’s been living with his dad but he decided to live with his mom
this time so he transferred to our school.
When I got out of his car, all the students are staring at us. “Let’s go!”, he said. After our first subject,
bigla niyang pinatong yung ulo niya sa balikat ko. Ano ba iniisip nito? Hindi pa naman kami ganon ka-
close ah. I decided to confront him but he suddenly started to sing. Sobrang ganda ng boses niya,
nakakalma siya pakinggan. Grabe, ang bango niya. Wait, what? Heto nanaman ako.
It’s March already! Konti nalang bakasiyon na. “Okay class, those who are already finished their
analysis, you can go. Those who are not yet finished, you are not allowed to go yet until you finished
it”, our professor said. “Ano ba yan ang bagal mo naman kasi sumulat, akin na nga yan ako na
magsusulat ikaw mag analyze”, Dwayne said. “Di mo naman kasi ko kailangan tulungan, umuwi ka
na nga”, I replied. “No, I’ll never leave you here alone”, sabi pa niya. Oa naman neto di naman ako
mag-isa dami pa naming di tapos. Pero I admit it sobrang nakakakilig siya.
“I like you Ciandria Asteria, I fell in love with you at first sight. You are the reason why I decided to live
with my mom and transfer to our school. When I saw at the hospital more than a year ago, that time, I
thought I am also imagining things because I can’t believe that a person can be that beautiful. You’re
the blessing that I’ve been praying for. Please, let me court you”. These are the words that Dwayne
just said to me while holding a bouquet of flowers. Today is our first day as a fourth year student.
Dwayne waited for me until I was fully recovered. I said yes and he was jumping and shouting my
name. He’s really an attention seeker lol.
Today is our graduation day and the day that I will finally make Dwayne Carillo my boyfriend. I just
arrived at the event with my dad. I was looking for Dwayne but he’s not anywhere. Someone tapped
my back. It’s him! I hugged him immediately. “Where have you been? Bat ngayon ka lang?”, I said
pretending to be mad. “Sorry, I bought you your favorite flower. Are you mad?” he said worriedly. I
kissed him and said, “I just missed my boyfriend”. He smiled brightly and hugged me tightly. His smile
is really melting me. He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. He looks more handsome today
wearing our toga. “Am I now your first or second boyfriend?” he asked. “You are my one and only
boyfriend”, I replied.
Years have passed, Dwayne and I became closer and closer. He’s always there for me. He’s so
gentle and caring. Whenever I’m with him, I always feel important and loved. He persuaded me to just
keep on living my life without thinking too much. Before I realized it, I’ve been communicating with
everyone already regardless of their gender. I am not scared about having any imagination again. I
am already healed from everything without even a trace of a scar. I am now in love with a real person
who also loves me.
Life is full of surprises, but I’ll keep this one for lifetime because finally, it’s real.