Cali Anderson

Benke 7th
AP Language and Composition
2/11/2022

Suicide rates are rapidly increasing in the United States. According to the
incredibly reliable source, Wikipedia, suicide rates are the highest they have ever been
in the United States, increasing by 24% in just 15 years.
Let's look into the facts. To cite the CDC, “When people die by suicide, their
surviving family and friends may experience shock, anger, guilt, symptoms of
depression or anxiety, and may even experience thoughts of suicide themselves.”
Additionally, I found on a quick Bing search that 1 out of 10 of suicide cases have
caused another family member to commit suicide. Also did you know, according to the
Suicide Prevention Resource Center, the average cost of one suicide to society is
$1,329,553. When a person chooses to deal with depression, eventually committing
suicide, they are selfish for all the previously mentioned reasons.
Suicide rates are rising to fast: suicide is selfish, it hurts the unalived persons
family, damages the economy, and is morally wrong.
But I have a solution, The Suicide Dissolution Squad, “You make the call and
we’ll handle it all.” Call the suicide hotline and we’ll help you avoid the trouble and
hassle of doing it yourself. All you have to do is call, fax the will and insurance, and
you’ll be good to go (literally)!
Our program has selective ways one can choose to unalive, not listed here for
censorship purposes. As previously mentioned, the average resulting cost of one
suicide is $1,329,553 and the only charge is 10,000 for the basic package (yes that
includes burial/funeral costs). We notify the family per the person's request after their
passing, prepare the funeral so there is no guilt, and if they buy our bonus package
we’ll even throw in a free mourning counselor!
While one might question the morality of this program, they have nothing to be
concerned about. The whole purpose of our company is to lower the suicide rate and
that’s exactly what we’re doing. Defendable homicide is the output in this equation
but if you really think about it homicide is much better on paper than suicide! Illogical
doubters might think counseling or therapy/ depression awareness might have the
same effect, our solution is much easier on the unlived and the taboo around suicide
our society has created. Helping them pass is so much more efficient than waiting
around for them to unalive themselves or sending them to get “emotional help”.
There are so many benefits towards using our program! We obviously decrease
the suicide rate of American individuals by offering a better resolve, the family of the
unalived will be much better cared for with our after passing plans including a grief
counselor (not included in the basic package), we have professional funeral event
planners, and the unalived will be able to pass their life behind with the freedom to
choose how!
If you agree with this fantastic solution and want to help our company make a
difference, invest in our stocks/become a shareholder or call us to be unalived today!