Fujimi Orchestra Volume 2

Part I : Wandering Violinist

I have no apartment… no roost… not for tonight. I looked around in the hot and humid summer
night; I couldn't even mumble because I was completely stunned by the situation. If I had to
guess at the statistics, I’d say that the Fujimi-cho neighborhood -- where 80% of the residents
live in apartments -- is like a ghost-town every year around this time. This is because there are
many brave people who insist that they celebrate the ‘Bon Festival in my hometown,’ undeterred
by the hustle and bustle of expensive flight tickets or the hellish rush to return home. It kills two
birds with one stone: they make their dutiful family trip, and they don’t have to pay for
accommodations when they get there.

Actually, I — Yuuki Morimura — was one of those people. The reason I say ‘was’ is because I
had just returned to my dear home-town after a two year absence on one such obligatory trip.
I’m 23 years old and a music instructor at a public high school, as well as a violinist and
concertmaster of the Fujimi Citizen’s Philharmonic, also known as the ‘Ni-chome Philharmonic’
or just ‘Fujimi.’ I seem to be considered a quiet and serious person because of the glasses I’ve
worn since junior high, and often mistaken as younger than my age thanks to my slim body and
feminine face (that I’m not so pleased with); I actually think I’m a pretty assertive person. I
moved to Tokyo for music school, and then Fujimi-cho, which has become my second home
ever since.

Since my mother passed away, Fujimi feels even more like my second home. So as I returned
from my three-day ‘homecoming’ trip and smelled the familiar scents of Fujimi, I breathed a
deep sigh of relief. I arrived before Fujimi’s rehearsal day, just after nine o’clock in the evening.
Many of the shops in Fujimi Ginza around the small train station were already closed, each
shutter with a sign on the door that said they were closed for tomorrow’s Obon holiday​1​; well, as
far as the rest of the country is concerned, tomorrow is the ​real​ Obon holiday. I took advantage
of the fact that I work at a school with summer vacation to beat the rush of people returning
home. This was always my trick that I used in the summer when I would go back home to the
country. I would take care of my obligations before the proper Bon Festival and spend the three
days when Fujimi-cho was quiet, playing the violin in my empty apartment building. It was the
only thing I enjoyed in the summer, as I don’t have any other hobbies.

Now the steel frame of the building was exposed to the sky, and underneath my feet was rubble
that seemed to be made from the collapsed walls, along with black trash that must have been
furniture. I had entered the alley and turned the corner as usual, and saw the scene that was
now in front of me; it was a total loss fire. Both my building and the one on the other side of
mine were at least 80% burnt down. I scratched my head and turned to the right. The liquor
store on the corner was still open.

“Excuse me, good evening!” A lady came out while using a fan. She looked me up and down
and made a sympathetic face. “Ah, the Miyajima apartment building over there burned down
yesterday evening, I heard about it on the NHK news,” she said.

1
Obon or just Bon is a Japanese Buddhist festival that honors the spirits of one’s ancestors. It has turned
into a family reunion holiday where people return to their hometowns.
“I didn’t hear anything about it, I was back at my parents’ house.”

“Oh, you lived there?” The woman scratched her cauliflower-like permed head with the handle
of her fan, probably because she was uncomfortable dealing with a person she didn’t know.
“That’s terrible. The fire spread quickly and the firefighters didn’t show up for a while because it
was right in the middle of rush hour, you know.”

“Um, did anybody...die?”

“It was a blessing that you weren’t there, the people who were left were burnt to a crisp. They
were all dead by the time the firemen got there.”

“I see…”

“I heard it started from tempura oil. Yamamoto-san on the first floor was the origin of the fire. His
wife always looked very careless.”

“Ah...Thank you,” the lady seemed like she wanted to keep talking, but I hadn’t recovered
enough from the first round of information to keep up with more rumors. I bowed my head and
left the store. The only question for now was where I could sleep tonight… I wondered if there
were any hotels in this town. I remembered seeing a few love hotels, but as I walked towards
the station I realized I needed to find something else: money. I didn’t have any.

I put down my travel bag and violin under the streetlight and checked my wallet. No matter how
many times I counted it, there was only 3,000 yen. Naturally I didn’t have much left, since I had
given most of my money to my sister when I left my parents’ house. It was only fair since I
stayed for three days at the place she was living with four children and a husband on the salary
of a civil servant, while also maintaining a large country house and fields. I wanted to be
considerate, and also make a small gesture since I was now a salaried employee, so I left her
with enough money for a meal. But now…

“The bank won’t be closed even on Bon holidays,” I said to myself. No — tomorrow is Saturday!
No, wait, I can still withdraw money, my card is in my wallet. So in the morning I can get money.
I picked up my bag and case, which was now all I had to my name, and started walking. Oh
yeah, my scores, my CD player, the CDs themselves, my clothes, my wardrobe, my futon, my
toaster… all burned. Everything, everything…! I was hit with the sound of an oncoming car and
rushed to get out of the way. As I looked at the red glow of the receding tail lights, I thought of
the word ‘penniless.’ I have a violin, an ATM card, and a few clothes for the time being, so I’m
not completely broke, but I’d be grateful if I could at least talk to Ishida-san, the caretaker of
Fujimi, who I know I could rely on. But he’s on his usual week-long summer vacation. His whole
family left for Hokkaido in the country on the same day that I left, and of course his coffee shop
Mozart​ is also closed.
There were only two other members of the orchestra who knew where I lived: Natsuko
Kawashima, a flutist, and the conductor, Tounoin. I had been in love with Kawashima for three
years, even proposed to her, but we finally settled as friends in the orchestra. And Tounoin…
well, I thought about going to him. He would be more than willing to let me stay, but that
‘willingness’ was the problem. He was gay, fell in love with me, and raped me — though the
rape was an accident, as Tounoin had thought I was also gay and that I wanted to have sex with
him. I respect Tounoin as a genius conductor, and I also think he’s a very good man, as he was
willing to give up his affections towards me and not bring that kind of trouble into our relationship
as musicians.

That’s why… I don’t think I should go to his place to stay. No matter how much help he offers or
how strong his willpower is, I don’t want to give him the opportunity to spoil me. He’s a human
being too, and you never know when his self-control might slip… I don’t want to ruin the
friendship we’ve established. I couldn’t impose on him like that, but I also couldn’t think of
anywhere else that would let me stay. The list of Fujimi members and school staff had burned to
ash in the fire, and there were a lot of people that I couldn’t remember their full names to look
them up in the phone book.

I was flipping through the pages of the city phone book, trying to find a hotel, when I heard the
sound of rain. It started raining. Then it was pouring. It seems like bad luck was following me
like a bad smell. I took out ten yen from my wallet and picked up the phone.

“Hello, do you have any rooms available? Yes, for tonight. Oh, that’s great. Where are you
located?” I thanked them, hung up the phone and wondered out loud, “Yeah, that’s pretty far.
The cab fare alone would wipe out all my money. I wonder if they would let me stay without a
deposit?”

I heard a noise and looked outside. A soaking wet businessman was waiting, so I opened the
phone booth and said, “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting,” and dashed under the eaves of a
building to avoid getting wet. I hurriedly wiped the drops of water from my violin case. I decided
to wait for the rain to let up and then walk to the hotel; since I only had 3,000 yen I really
couldn’t spend it on the cab. But the evening downpour, which I assumed would stop if I waited
it out, did not let up even after an hour. I waved my hand at the approaching lights of an empty
cab and repeatedly counted the contents of my wallet in my head.

---

After going through 5 other hotels, the sixth hotel receptionist — my last ray of hope in the
whole town — was a gentle, motherly woman with a pleasant appearance and tone of voice…
“Oh, that’s the thing, isn’t it?”

I said quickly, “I have an ATM card, so if the bank is open tomorrow morning, I promise I can get
the money! I know you have a rule that you have to pay in advance, but I won’t cause any
trouble!” Needless to say, I’m not very good at this kind of negotiation. But there was nothing
else I could do. I was so embarrassed that my forehead broke out in a cold sweat, but I
persisted desperately. “I’m begging you. I can’t stay out in the open in this rain!” The woman,
who seemed to be going through hardship of her own, looked down with a troubled expression.
‘One more push,’ I thought.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but if there’s any way…”

“Well, let me have your driver’s license.”

“Oh, that’s —“ I was sure that I had finally found a solution. “I don’t have it.”

“You don’t have a driver’s license?” It was heart-wrenching to see her face, which had finally
softened somewhat, switch back into cold rejection.

“...my insurance card was burned. But..!” I pulled my ATM card out of my drenched back pocket.
“I’ll leave this with you!”

The woman shook her head apologetically. “That doesn’t prove your identity, does it?”

“But if you look up my card number…”

“Can you prove it’s yours?” I was about to open my mouth to argue against her rude suspicion
when the sound of rain started up again.

The easy-going face of welcome had turned into a cruel mask when she looked back at me.
She said quietly, “Anyway, we don’t accept single guests.” Basically, I was interfering with their
business, so get out of here.

“Ah, I see. Thank you.” Apparently this is the way the city is. I thought I could handle the
love-hotel atmosphere, but I was naive. I gave the guests that had entered behind me some
space so I wouldn’t have to look at them, but it seemed to be an unnecessary precaution.

“Oh, let’s take this room!” I heard the excited girl’s voice behind me as I walked out, not feeling
the least bit guilty about being in a love hotel. This was the last of my hotel choices, and I had
run out of ideas. I wondered if the heavens had come to regret their cruelty to me, as it was
raining lightly when I went outside. But the situation wasn’t any better just because the rain was
lighter.

“Police, maybe?” I had heard of something called ‘tiger boxes’ that were used to protect drunks,
but I wondered if they would have anything for a lodger like me. ‘It’s all so bad!’ I thought, but
that was the only option I could think of at this point. However, the police station was behind the
Fujimi train station, which took me 20 minutes to get there by car, and now I had to walk back...
“I’ve got 820 yen in my pocket, so I have no other choice.”
The problem was the violin, which could not get wet. I decided to put it in my travel bag, and
used my summer jacket as a furoshiki for my overflowing clothes. I walked out into the rain,
which was cold on my already soaking body. There was nothing else I could do.

“Achoo!” I sneezed, waking up. I was greeted by masculine-smelling air and unnecessary air
conditioning. It seemed that I had caught a cold. I put my glasses on and looked at the round
clock on the wall; it was barely 7am… I had stumbled into this police station a little after two in
the morning, managed to get them to understand my situation, and they let me stay in the
dormitory nap room.

“Achoo!” I guess it’s time for me to leave. After all, the air conditioning was too cold in here. I
folded the blanket I had borrowed and left the dormitory room. I looked around for the
middle-aged policeman that had helped me earlier, but maybe his shift had ended. I turned
around and saw a policeman who looked younger than me.

“Oh, you must be Morimura-san.”

“Yes, I was staying here. Thanks to you, I was saved. This is for the person who helped me last
night,” I offered him a box of sweets that my sister had given me to take home, “It’s a little wet
from the rain, but inside is manju.”

“Oh no, that’s too much.”

“No, I’m really grateful.” As I was saying this, my nose started to itch again. I sneezed and
bowed.

The city was already hot and humid, so I was grateful for the chills that were creeping into my
body. I bought the cheapest lunch at a convenience store in the middle of the street and headed
for the bank. It was 7:24am on August 13th, and in 30 minutes I would be able to say goodbye
to the miserable feeling of having just 500 yen in my pocket. But I didn’t know… I didn’t know
that today is the day the door of hell would be flung open.

It’s hot… the cicadas are so noisy. And… there was no money. The lack of money I thought I
had was extremely shocking, there must have been some mistake. I’m sure it was just some
small clerical error, like a paycheck failing to transfer. I did buy a new suit for the school year
and paid for it in one lump sum with my bonus, but that should have gone through in July… but
the ‘balance of 2,637 yen’ on the statement the cashier spit out was an unquestionable fact from
the employee that was working that Saturday. He told me to come back on Monday for more
details. The bank book, which was supposed to be a clue to solve my money question, had
been reduced to ashes along with my personal seal​2​ and ID card. And the only thing that could
guarantee that I am Yuuki Morimura was an ATM card, which could be stolen or picked up…

If it had been the bank where Kawashima-san worked, she probably would have taken care of it.
Fujimi’s most beautiful flutist, Natsuko Kawashima, who had rejected my desperate proposal,
was the type of person who would be strong in an emergency situation like this. But she’s not
here, and anyway as a man I couldn’t just go to my girlfriend’s workplace and cry to her. For an
hour I was at a loss for what to do, wondering what the hell I did to deserve this, envying the
heavens and cursing my fate. Maybe I was stupid to have left with only my violin and a few
changes of clothes. But! I had taken proper precautions against fire, and I was only gone for
three days. Usually you don’t have to think about the possibility of your apartment burning down
in such a short amount of time.

The sun was shining on the benches, and shadows stretched out over the ground. I was craving
grilled fish… but what was I supposed to do now, when it’s two more days until Ishida-san
comes back? I was able to withdraw 2,000 yen from my credit card, but with a grand total of
2,511 yen it was barely anything. I pulled out the notepad I kept in my pocket. I knew I had only
Mozart​, Kawashima-san’s house, and the number of the school staff room written down. The
school was closed for the Bon holiday and there was no answer on the phone. Kawashima-san
was the only one who could help me. But… I said to myself, ‘Is it really worth it to go through all
this?’ Of course, I wanted to just wait it out, but if I had to… if I did, I’d have to stay out in the
open for two more nights. The policeman last night was kind enough to help me, but the way he
acted made it clear that the police were not a hotel, and I was already feeling sick from my
search for shelter in the rain. My pride as a man wouldn’t let me rely on Tounoin.

As I soothed my dry throat with lukewarm water from the park fountain, I made up my mind. By
the time I found a phone booth, I had sweated out more than I had drunk. I wondered if
Kawashima-san would be at work or if she was off? In this case, I could barely spare even ten
yen. In a desperate mood, I figured that she would have gone to work, so I looked up the
number of her workplace in the Town Pages, which I was grateful to have even if it was in
tatters.

The reply on the other end of the line was, “Kawashima-san is off today.”

I took my wallet out again… oh, ten-yen coins, you are valuable after all. I dialed her home
number, and the voice that answered was that of a mother.

“I’m Morimura of the Fujimi Philharmonic. Is Natsuko-san at home?”

“Ah, the concertmaster. Thank you for always taking care of my daughter,” said the warm voice.
I felt the dark clouds in my chest clear. Thank God.

2
In Japan, a personal seal (or ​Hanko/Inkan)​ is used for signing official documents instead of or in addition
to a signature.
“Oh, of course. So, where is Natsuko-san?”

“This morning she went scuba diving in Izu with a friend. She’ll be back the night of the 15th.”

I couldn’t remember if I had said a proper greeting when I hung up the phone… as I exited the
phone booth I felt that my last hope was gone. I’m finally going to have to live on the street.
But… but… what the hell am I supposed to do? I asked myself over and over, and reluctantly
arrived at the answer I already knew, the only solution. I have no choice but to go to Tounoin.
Go to him… I’ll just borrow some money. As long as I have money I can do whatever I need to
do; get a hotel room, ask the principal for a new ID when school resumes after Bon, go to city
hall to get a certificate of seal impression, and then take it back to the bank. It’s just a debt, I will
owe him a favor, but I can pay him back as much as I borrow.

I walked, keeping my face down from the sun that was beating down on me. I was sweating
profusely, yet an inexplicable chill ran down my spine. I put my hand to my forehead, which
wasn’t even hot, but I felt like I was having a heat stroke. I need to borrow money to buy some
cold medicine...a hotel… a cool room… I should have called Kawashima-san last night instead
of trying to be proud and stick it out on my own. But it was so late at night… and either way it
was too late now.

The Telephone Pole Mansion was silent and open as usual. On the wall opposite of the door to
apartment 11 there was a row of mailboxes with numbers from 11-71 on them, and on box 71
was a handwritten name: “Kei Tounoin.” There was an elevator door next to it, and in front of the
door an abandoned tricycle with the name ‘Mamiko’ written on it in permanent marker. I pushed
the trike aside and pressed the button. I got off at the fifth floor — which was the end of the line
— and climbed the remaining two floors, breathing hard. They say only idiots catch colds in the
summer, but I felt myself getting more and more sick. But I had to act cool in front of Tounoin.
He’ll probably tell me to use his place instead of a hotel, but I don’t want to accept a favor I can’t
return. I had rejected him. Actually, he really wasn’t the kind of guy I could borrow money from,
either… I finally managed to get to the apartment, and was anticipating getting to change
clothes since the ones I had been wearing were soggy from being worn since yesterday. I put
my hands in my pockets — I just remembered, I don’t have the key…

I usually have the key to his place. It was the middle of last month when Tounoin offered me his
apartment, since mine didn’t allow the practicing of musical instruments and I had no other
decent place to practice. At the time, we were still like a rabbit and a wolf, and I was the rabbit
running away. I resisted and resisted, not wanting to be lured into the wolf’s house by some kind
of trick. But then we developed a proper relationship as friends, and I decided to accept that his
offer was out of kindness, not a trick. Since then, I’ve practiced here every Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday night, and Sunday afternoon. I have a duplicate key because Tounoin’s
apartment is soundproofed, and he plays music so loud that he doesn’t hear if somebody
knocks. He gave me the key so I could come in on my own, but I had left the key in my
apartment. On the morning I left, I put it in a bag of rice in the kitchen, along with my personal
seal, bank book and other valuables…

He had no doorbell. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I knocked a few more
times, then thought to put my ear to the door, but it seemed to be silent behind it. Just to be
sure, I looked for a window, but there was not a single window on this side. I went to the edge of
the aisle and looked, but no, there was no window on that side either. There was a window
across from the door inside… but regardless there was no sign of anybody being in the
apartment.

“He’s finally away…” did he go

to his parents’ house, or on
vacation, or just out
shopping? No matter what
Tounoin was doing, my
situation was simple: I had no
other place to go, no other
option. As long as I had the
key, I could go in; Tounoin
wouldn’t mind if I came in
when he wasn’t home. It
would be much easier to wait
in an air-conditioned room,
and I would without hesitation,
but without a key… it’s metal,
so there is a possibility that it
didn’t burn up in the fire. But
to find it, I would have to go
back down the stairs and walk
for twenty minutes in the hot sun. Then I’d have to dig around in that pile of rubble, and what
were the chances of finding it? Even if I did find it, it might be useless, and either way I’d have to
come back here… by then, Tounoin might have returned. So I decided to just wait. Fortunately
there was a roof over the passage, and the elevated location allowed for good ventilation. I sat
down in the aisle with my violin case beside me on the concrete, which was cool and pleasant in
the shade. Looking through the bars of the railing, the city was the color of scorched gold in the
midsummer sun. I’ll wait here until it cools down in the evening, and if he doesn’t come back I’ll
go look for the key…. but what if the key doesn’t work? Whether it’s there or not, I’ll have to
come back, but what if Tounoin doesn’t come back tonight?

Then I’ll just spend the night here outside. No one but Tounoin comes up here anyway, and it’s
summer so it shouldn’t be a problem to sleep overnight… but what if he’s on vacation? I haven’t
heard anything about that. He’s probably shopping or something, he’ll be back in the evening.
As I stared blankly at the scenery thinking about this, I began to feel sleepy. To tell the truth, I
didn’t want to move anymore. The sooner I went to look for the key the better, and the sooner I
could take some medicine the better. I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I was thirsty and I
knew I could get a cold drink at the convenience store downstairs. But once I was sitting like
this, I didn’t feel like getting up again. I felt like I didn’t actually sleep much at the police
dormitory, and yesterday was still yesterday…

I had helped Mimiko with her farm work in the morning, took my nephews to the town swimming
pool, and taken a six-hour express train ride home, and then when I was feeling relieved to be
home, the apartment was gone. And all that time I wasted looking for a hotel… after all that, it’s
not surprising that I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. In other words, I was utterly exhausted. And
to top it off, I was coming down with a cold. I laid down with my bag as a pillow, just to give my
body a rest. After a short nap I would take a fever reducer… and then go find the key… I laid
down, staring at the concrete ceiling of the aisle and the blue sky beyond, thinking about the pile
of scores I had that were now burned. I hadn’t finished learning more than half of them, maybe I
should have brought at least those with me… I couldn’t help thinking about it now.

...I opened my eyes with a start and realized I had fallen asleep. My body ached all over,
probably from lying on a concrete bed. But I didn’t feel like waking up, I was feeling very
sluggish, as if I were being held in a metal box. I wanted to look at the time, but I couldn’t lift my
arm to put on my watch. ‘Never mind,’ I thought, ‘This is the top floor, and the only room up here
is Tounoin’s, so I can afford to take my time. I’m sure he’ll have something to say when he gets
back, and there’s no need to move when it’s still so hot…’ With this thought, I was sucked back
into the darkness of sleep. But it was a sleep that I shouldn’t have fallen into, like what people
experience when they’re in distress on snowy mountains.

I was burning hot when I woke up again. I forced open my heavy eyelids. Through the bars of
the railing, at the same height as I was lying, the orange sun was blazing, and I was basking in
the west sun. I tried to get up, but my body felt like a bag of wet sand. If I stayed here, I would
dry out in the sun. I managed to crawl up on all fours and move to the little remaining shade by
the top of the stairs. As I let my head fall limp, I thought of something. The violin! I shouldn’t
have left it in the sun like that… I crawled back to the apartment door, grabbed the violin case,
and went back to the shade. The coldness of the concrete made me feel uncomfortable, like a
myriad of worms were slithering under my skin. Chills kept running down my spine incessantly. I
was already starting to doze off, thinking of how awful this was. The sound of cicadas chirping
somewhere in the distance was becoming more and more faint. Water… water… when it gets
cooler, I’ll have to go to the convenience store… barley tea, juice...water...water…. I found
myself depressed. When I came to, it was pitch black. I felt cold, and when I moved my entire
body was filled with aches and pains. My head also felt like it was going to crack open, and the
breath on my lips was hot. I felt like I couldn’t get up, but I managed to do so because I knew I
was in danger of dying out here. Going down the stairs, however, was even more dangerous.
My legs were unreliable, and my hands were shaking as I clung to the railing with what little
strength I had. Still, I somehow managed to reach the elevator and descended to the ground
floor.
I staggered the 30 meters or so to the corner store and went in. The brightness of the white
lights hurt my eyes.

“Excuse me,” I said, leaning against the register, “Do you have any fever reducers?”

“No, we don’t,” the cashier replied, “But there’s a pharmacy a little bit down the street.” He
seemed kind.

“How far is ‘just a little bit…’” It was too far for me now. “Could I have a bottle of Pocari​3​?” The
clerk asked me which one. “No, a large one.”

“Two bottles are six hundred and eighteen yen.”

With trembling fingers I took the change and the heavy package and left the store. I didn’t have
time to go looking for the keys. I literally crawled back to Tounoin’s front door on the seventh
floor, relieved to see that the violin I had left behind was still there, and then I completely ran out
of steam. I would fall asleep intermittently, waking up with chattering teeth, and then fall asleep
again only to wake up drenched in sweat… each sleep and awakening had a similar sense of
torment and nightmares, and time passed slowly. Every time I woke up, I would first check to
make sure my violin was safe, then take a sip or two of Pocari, touch the violin case again and
fall back into another painful sleep.

I felt like my beloved instrument, which was ‘only two million yen’ in the eyes of musicians, was
still very precious to me even at this moment when I felt on the brink of death. When I was a
student, quite a few of my friends had instruments worth 2 million, and some played on ones
worth 3 or 5 million. I wondered how they managed to squeeze that out of their parents. The
violin is a small but expensive instrument, with the best ones like Stradivarius costing hundreds
of millions of yen. Because of their nature, being made with wood, the sound gets better with
age, so the 300,000 or 400,000 yen new violins lined up in the window of a music store are only
considered entry-level instruments. When I was a student, I used a brand new violin that cost
700,000 yen. My mother spent all of her savings to buy me the best one she could find in the
country, and that was how much it cost to get the violin and the bow as a set. The sound is
somewhat proportional to the price, so no matter how hard I tried my instrument could not match
that of a 3 million yen instrument. That’s why when I got out of college and started a temporary
job, the first thing I did was buy this violin. I had already given up being a professional, but I
really wanted an instrument that had a better sound; it was the culmination of around four years
of frustration. I sold my 700,000 yen set for 600,000 yen, keeping the bow, and then added 1.4
million yen of my own from a personal loan to purchase my current instrument. I was really
happy at the time, and now with only one more payment, my beloved instrument will be mine in
both name and reality. Then, I will buy a suitable bow for it… probably something around
500,000 yen… with a loan again, but I will do it to get a new bow. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to
afford it. And then I wished I could play the violin just one more time before I died, if this was to
3
Pocari Sweat is a popular Japanese drink high in electrolytes.
be my last moments…. when I think about it, I was being as sentimental as something you’d see
in a shoujo manga, and later I blush when I recall being like that. I’m proud of myself for being a
violinist, and under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have ever thought of pawning my violin for
money. But I’m a fool, and in some way it’s more manly to be foolish.

That was what I was thinking about when I absentmindedly changed thoughts to the man who
seemed to not be coming back, no matter how long I waited. I thought I heard footsteps, but
figured it was just another hallucination. But the sound was getting closer… a white object
appeared on the stairs, quickly turning into a Panama hat with black eyes under the brim. As I
was lying on my concrete bed, all I could see was what came into my field of vision from the
other side — a man with only a head, then a neck… his eyebrows were tight, the eyes
underneath long and narrow, with a well-defined nose that even from the front you could tell was
high.

“No way,” the lips murmured. Then the shoulders appeared under the man’s neck, and a hand
came up and lifted the Panama hat, which he fanned his face with. The man’s dark hair was
long and full, tucked in tightly from the hat; it didn’t look rude or obnoxious because the style
suited him. “Morimura… san? What are you doing here…?” With a clatter of footsteps the whole
body appeared, a solid 190cm tall body in an elegant linen suit. He was holding a trunk that had
customs stickers in one hand. Had he been traveling abroad…?

“Hey,” I smiled, or at least I thought I did. It was Kei Tounoin, the 22 year old unknown genius
conductor who had dropped out of the Music Department of the National Fine Arts University —
which he was accepted straight into — because he had ‘nothing more to learn’ after one year,
and then he studied abroad in Germany and Austria. His present status was as the permanent
conductor of the 2-Chome Phil, or Fujimi Orchestra, an amateur ensemble of people who love
music. “I’ve been… waiting for a while…” I said in a raspy, shrill voice. Before I realized it was
me speaking, I was folded into the chest of the suit that had quickly appeared.

“Morimura-san! What’s going on? What the hell are you doing in a place like this?!”

I was going to answer, but I lost consciousness…

--

When I woke up, I was in the water. At first I just felt vaguely cool and comfortable, when I heard
a chuckle in my ear. My face was wiped with a cold towel dripping with water, and I opened my
eyes.

“Oh, you noticed,” The one who said this in a very relieved voice was Tounoin, who was looking
right into my face from above. I tried to sit up, as I was using his arm as a pillow, but I heard a
bang and realized I was lying in a Western-style bathtub filled with water. Completely naked.

“Wha-ah…” I jumped in shock.

Tounoin said in a serious voice, “I had to hurry to lower your temperature, it was over 40ºC.” I
was relieved to hear that, but then my eyelids began to feel heavy… “Wait! Just one sip before
you go to sleep,” he said with a panicked voice, and his arm snatched me up in a hug while he
placed something hard and cold to my lips. A cup…? “You’re dehydrated, just drink as much as
you can,” he said. Adam woke up and took a bite of the apple, but when I covered my crotch
with my hand I felt even more embarrassed. “Sorry,” he said and shoved a thin object into my
mouth. “It’s a thermometer,” he told me.

When he saw the temperature

dropped to 37º he let me lean back
into the water. I noticed that the
sleeves and chest of his expensive
linen suit were soaked from where I
was leaning against him. “I’m sorry…
I feel lost… put it on…” when I
mumbled with the thermometer in my
mouth, Tounoin smiled.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I was scared

because I was afraid he was going to
kiss me. But he only leaned in to read
the thermometer. The door behind
him slammed open, and he
murmured, “It’s about time he got
here.”

“How is it? Has it gone down a bit?”

“Seven degrees in one minute. I’ll

move him to the room. Oh, can you
get a bath towel for me from the
cabinet over there? Two or three for
the bed.”

“I should have brought a nurse,” said the man, opening the cupboard as he thrust his
stethoscope into his pocket. Tounoin tried to pick me up, but I said I could walk myself. Both of
them got irritated at me, thinking that I was just embarrassed. But the problem was the bed that
I was brought to… two months ago, I was raped in this bed… but I couldn’t very well say that to
Tonouin, who had taken care of me like a mother, nor to the doctor. After all, I don’t have a
place to go home to, and I can’t look for an apartment until I get better.
“I’ll give you some glucose. You can still give him water. Basically the only medicine he needs is
water and rest. Let him have some porridge when he has the energy to eat. I’ll come back
tomorrow to see how it goes,” said the doctor, who left quickly after finishing his diagnosis.

I had enough energy to talk, “Are you related to that doctor?”

“He’s my uncle,” was the reply. I tried to tell him that there were pajamas in my bag, but he
ignored me.

Instead, he pushed the dial button on the phone he pulled out from under the bed, but I couldn’t
quite hear what he was saying. “Hello, this is Kei. No, from Fujimi… please tell him it will be a
little while before I can come back. No, I have a guest.” As I listened I felt his voice soften, and it
occurred to me that he had a family, too. I hadn’t thought about it before…

When I woke up after a good night’s sleep I felt much better. I put on my underwear and
pajamas, went to the bathroom on my own, which also made me feel better. My precious violin
had been placed on the shelf above the audio components. When I told Tounoin about my
unfortunate situation, he expressed his deepest sympathy and said I could stay in his place for
the time being.

“I can’t annoy you any more than I already have,” I said. He had taken care of me and slept on
the floor so I could use his bed.

“I see…” he said, his tone of voice sounding slightly angry. “I don’t think it’s annoying.”

“Well, I think it will still be two or three more days until I can get everything sorted out. So I’m
sorry for that.”

“Yeah. But there’s no rush, you can stay here until you have the energy to play the violin.
Conductor’s orders.” I laughed, and Tounoin laughed too. He’s a handsome man, but with his
usual expressionless face he looks dour and misanthropic. However when he smiles, he looks
very youthful and friendly.

—-

It was the third day I had occupied Tounoin’s bed. I had been thinking that tomorrow I could go
out and look for an apartment, but I fell asleep… I woke up in the middle of the night because of
a faint sound of music, just a murmur. 'That is… that’s ​Tannhäuser,'​ I thought, the song that
filled up this room when it was at full volume on the night two months ago, when Tounoin
forcibly embraced me! ‘Oh my god!’ I thought, and felt like jumping to my feet. But my body
stayed still like it was bound up by rope. No, I was holding my breath like a rabbit who had
heard the snort of a wolf, who was stalking him. I stifled a gasp, then fearfully opened my eyes.
The room was dark, illuminated only by moonlight streaming in through the window, where the
blinds were lowered… Tounoin was in his usual place, looking like his usual self on the other
side of the room: facing the console cross-legged with his back to the bed. The sound of
Tannhäuser​ was leaking from his headphones. The broad shoulders of his back made me
wince, and inwardly I took an escape stance. Tounoin raised his arms and folded his hands
behind his neck, then slowly curled his body forward. He stayed like that for quite some time. I
could only see his curled back as I secretly watched him, fighting the memories that came back
to me no matter how hard I tried to push them away. I don’t want to remember, but why is it that
inconvenient memories are so vivid? I was attacked and raped while this song was blaring at
maximum volume… the feeling of his thing going into me, the pain of it tearing my ass and the
sensation of my internal organs being pushed out of my mouth when he was penetrating me.
The uncountable minutes of humiliation, feeling crazy, embarrassed, terrible… I felt unbearably
miserable, I really want to be able to erase this from my memory! Of course I didn’t want to do
it… but I had gasped and moaned, and he was saying, “I love you”... no way! I wish I was lying,
but the facts are what they are.

I don’t know why he’s listening to that song, but before I knew it the sound stopped, and the
silence made me choke up even more. The sound of my heartbeat throbbed in my ears as I
pressed my head into the pillow, and I was worried Tounoin would hear it. I swallowed hard…
how long was the silence going to last? Tounoin, motionless as a stone, murmured faintly,
“Yuuki… Yuuki…” in a piercing whisper. Then he took off the headphones and stood up. I shut
my eyes quickly. I felt a presence approach the side of the bed, and the raggedness of his
breathing was stifling. I tried my best to pretend to be asleep. Tounoin seemed to be staring
down at me. “If… if he’s willing…” he said quietly.

I decided what I would do and how I would do it, but I was confused. If he comes at me like he
did that other time, I’m going to punch him in the face and run away, but… can I do it? ‘I will!’ I
shouted at myself. Tounoin is a good man, and he saved my life, but that’s one thing and this is
another! It has to be different! Tounoin was still standing there. The tension in my throat was so
great that I felt my face begin to flush, thanks to the struggle to stifle screaming and the feeling
of wanting to leap out of bed.

I thought I had reached my limit when I heard his baritone voice say, “I’m sorry…” and he softly
ruffled my hair. I opened my eyes when I heard the footsteps move away from me and the
sound of blankets being spread out. Tounoin was lying with his back to me on a blanket on the
wooden floor, instead of his bed that he had given up for me. He knew. He knew that I was
awake, that I was curious about him. He knew I was afraid that he might do something, even
though Tounoin had sworn never to force me and was keeping his vow. I wanted to tell him I
was sorry, but I was scared to do that because it would give him hope… if I made him want to
try again, when he was trying to give up like a man…. well, honestly I was afraid of Tounoin.
Our friendship was built on the thin ice of his self-control, and if I take one careless step and it
cracks, I will be swallowed by the flames of his passion that are still burning underneath. I knew
that for sure from that afternoon in July.
 I also knew that I couldn’t allow myself to succumb to pleasure in the arms of a man; I couldn’t
forgive myself after my body confessed itself unintentionally. He had hugged me with arms that
were free of lust and apologized. I had said ‘I understand, but I’m not going to be in a romantic
relationship with a man no matter how much he loves me.’ He accepted it when I said those
words, and then we settled down into the normal friendship I had hoped for… but the way
Tounoin was fighting with himself now, the bitter battle between his true feelings and the
pretense he showed me tonight, that was the truth. He only put on the ‘just a friend’ act for me,
a false image that twisted his true feelings. I knew I had to snap out of it with an ‘I’m sorry,’
which I was able to say by pushing down my emotions through reason, but it was much more
painful than I had expected. He said that we would go find an apartment tomorrow, and that was
the scream of his suppressed emotions. I knew I shouldn’t have stayed here… I like Tounoin as
a person, but I can’t accept him the way he wants me to. I’m like a fish laying in front of a cat,
ready to be eaten. I can’t let him do this to himself anymore.

The next day we took a cab to the real estate office. I said we could walk, but Tounoin was
adamant, so we drove. We actually went to four real estate agencies, but couldn’t find anything
that I liked so decided to try again another day. While we were out I also went to the school I
worked at, which was two stops away by train. The vice principal was there, and he expressed
his deepest sympathies for my situation and gave me a new ID card after I had requested him to
reissue it over the phone. I immediately went to the city hall, got my seal registration card and
went to the bank. Tounoin asked the branch manager to check my bank account in a calm and
unobtrusive tone, and got the answer that I should wait for a few days. The bank book with a
balance of 637 yen was quickly reissued with a single three-sentence stamp, since he showed
his passport and acted as my guarantor. It seemed my body was still not up to full condition
since I fell asleep in the cab on the way home, which worried Tounoin a little.

As soon as we got back Tounoin pushed me to go to bed, and then Ishida-san came to visit
suddenly. It seems that Fujimi’s caretaker was very worried about me, since I had been missing
since the fire. He said, “Well, I got a call from my landlord as soon as I came back from my
vacation. He asked me if I knew where you had gone, so I called your family but they replied
that you left them on the 12th. I didn’t say anything about the fire, I just told your sister that I had
urgent business for Fujimi. Since the police assured us that nobody died in the fire, I didn’t want
to worry her unnecessarily.”

Come to think of it, Ishida-san was my guarantor for my apartment contract. “Thank you for
everything,” I bowed my head from the bed. “I was going to call my sister after I found a new
apartment,” I added, “But Tounoin didn’t think I should mention the mishap with the fire. It’s not
really a nice thing to talk about, after all.” Ishida-san nodded in agreement.

“It’s a good thing you have shelter right now. How is your cold?”

“I'm getting better. I’ve been troubling Tounoin-san a lot.”

“So, are you going to find an apartment?"

“It’s hard to find a cheap place where you can also practice violin.”

Ishida laughed, “I hope the landlord decides to rebuild, but he is getting old. I did hear that he
will be compensated for the spread of the fire."

“That’s right, even though the landlord didn’t start the fire.”

“Well, that’s about it. So…” Ishida-san rummaged through the bag he brought with him. “There’s
not much in there, but be careful when you open it,” he said, placing an envelope next to my lap.

“Oh no, no, you shouldn’t have.”

“It’s not much, just a gift. This is the kind of situation for it, after all. And you don’t need to give
anything back in return; we’ve known each other for a long time, even if it doesn’t feel like it.” He
smiled at me and sat up. “Are you going to stay here until you find an apartment?”

I was about to reply ‘no,’ but Tounoin said “Yes.”

“That’s good. I’ll see you later, then. Is rehearsal still off for tomorrow?”

“No, I’ll go.”

“Oh, yes. Well, we can’t have rehearsal without Morimura-chan, and Tounoin-kun isn’t going to
attend either. You don’t have to force yourself.”

After Nico-chan left, looking busy, Tounoin and I had a disagreement about where I would stay
until I found an apartment.

Tounoin said, “I’ll be staying at my parents’ place from tonight, so you can take your time finding
an apartment.”

“That’s…! No, I’ll go to a hotel.”

“That would be a waste of money,” I choked up… it’s true that if the bank doesn’t figure out my
situation, I’m penniless.

“But I can’t just kick you out of your own place…”

“It’s okay, I should be dutiful to my sponsors sometimes, after all.”

“Where’s your hometown?”

“Seijo.”
Wow, a high-class residential area! “But then, won’t it take you nearly two hours to get here?”

“Well, yes.”

“I can’t bother you like that.”

“I told you, it’s not a bother.”

“But it’s definitely inconvenient.”

“It’s about time I slept on a decent futon anyway.”

“Well, let’s switch. I’ll sleep on the floor tonight.”

“You’re a sick man.”

“I’m better now!”

“Then why don’t you go for a run around the town?”

We were dancing around the subject, he knew it and I knew it. Tounoin wants to get out before
his emotions get the better of him. I can’t make the man who saved my life leave his own
apartment. But to hold him back would be to continue tormenting him… 'Oh, righteousness or
humanity!' I thought, and then I realized that it wasn’t out of duty or courtesy that I wanted to
keep him around, is it? It’s just my stubbornness, and that I don’t want to admit that I’m actually
afraid of him….

“Okay,” I said. “I feel really bad for you, but if it makes you feel better…”

Tounoin laughed with a huff, “I’m telling you that I don’t think you can sleep well with me around,
so I’m removing myself.”

I was pissed off that he pointed out the truth so bluntly, “I trust you, don’t I?”

“Do you?”

Now I was really annoyed, “So why don’t you sleep with me tonight?” I thought I’d lost it as soon
as the words came out of my mouth, but I couldn’t unsay it. “If you don’t want to sleep on the
floor, then sleep next to me. I don’t mind,” I told him, confident he would refuse.

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” he said with a sly smile.

“Then let’s go with that.” He smiled at me as I looked up at him, feeling like I had dug my own
grave.

“I’m a better sleeper than Morimura-san.”

… Tounoin’s daily routine is that of somebody who is young and doesn’t have a regular job (I
think, I never asked him about it), but is very precise. He wakes up at seven in the morning and
has bread and coffee for breakfast. Then, he runs the washing machine and cleans the room
with a rented mop. When he's done, he takes out a book or two from the cabinet full of scores,
spreads them on his knees and studies them. He wasn’t playing recordings this time, but
apparently just reading the music in his head; I had heard that only geniuses of Seiji Ozawa’s
level could do that sort of thing without the assistance of an instrument. Usually you play piano
or something at least. Conductors use the score, a book of music that contains all the parts of
the orchestra (brass, woodwinds, strings, percussion), and each page has all the staves needed
for the instrumental parts. The conductor’s job is to understand the flow of each part and how it
interacts with the harmony in the complex combination as a whole. To be blunt, it was a task
that my mind could never handle, but Tounoin apparently can construct it completely in his
head. I knew he was a true genius. But of course, he didn’t seem to be doing it effortlessly
either. He was doing it in his usual manner, with the score on his knees, but the level of tension
and concentration was completely different from when he was reading with the recordings. He
doesn’t talk to anyone, but I feel like I need to refrain from even breathing…

He does this from around eight o’clock, sometimes until the afternoon, without taking a break,
and then would take a nap. After sleeping like a dead man for an hour, he would put on
recordings in addition to reading the scores. Then he had dinner delivered from a restaurant
(today while waiting for the food, he remembered the laundry and went to put it in the dryer),
and after he finishes eating, goes back to playing recordings and score study. He finishes up
around twelve o’clock, takes a nightly bath, and goes to bed. He doesn’t have any sort of
nightcap or alcohol; he was a man who lived a life completely immersed in music.

I looked at the clock every five minutes, waiting for midnight to come. Well, maybe waiting
wasn’t quite the right word, it was more like being in a state of trepidation. It was a little past
midnight when Tounoin took off his headphones and turned the components off. He turned
around to see if I was asleep (of course I pretended to be), turned off the light and walked past
my side of the bed to the back door. Incidentally, this apartment is very well designed, except for
the fact that the room isn’t square in shape. The first thing you see when you walk in is the
audio equipment with five speakers that look like they cost a million yen. When you remove your
shoes, you can see a large window at the other end of the room, and when you step inside the
flooring is cork. The bed is at the far end of the room, and next to the double-sized bed there is
a row of doors on the wall. The three closest to the entrance are cabinets full of musical scores.
The fourth one leads to a cabin in the back, which houses a bathroom with a Western-style
toilet, a storage area with laundry facilities, and a dining/kitchen area, all crammed into one
functional space.

After finishing his nightly studies, Tounoin went into the captain’s room for his usual bath, but he
didn’t come out for a long time, while I waited and waited pretending to be asleep. He usually
doesn’t take long baths, but it was over thirty minutes at least. Tired of nervously waiting, I
actually dozed off instead of pretending, waking up when I felt the bed sink. Tounoin had laid
down in the empty spot by the wall. He fidgeted a bit behind me with his back to me, but he
soon quieted down. Then came the sign of someone who was satisfied with the comfort of
sleeping. I couldn’t help but listen attentively to the sound of Tounoin’s breathing less than a
meter away. If it didn’t switch to the sound of deeper sleep, I wouldn’t be able to sleep
peacefully myself… but it wasn’t long before I started to hear his breathing slow and fall into a
regular pattern. For now I was relieved, and was ready to fall asleep too. But… my mind was still
racing and I couldn’t quiet it. It wasn’t that I wasn’t tired, but I hadn’t been out of the apartment in
days, and even if my body is tired my mind is so sharp that it refuses to sleep. And then the
more impatient I am to sleep, the more I hear Tounoin’s sleeping breath, the smell of his
shampoo, and other things poking at my consciousness that brought back memories from that
night and afternoon. This man who suddenly revealed himself as a passionate person, who
attacked me and stole me away, when I had only known him as an impudent and calm
conductor… this man who plucked my pride and twisted my flesh into a type of affair I’d never
known… this man with wide shoulders, a broad chest and strong arms, that held me captive and
dominated me, stopping me from challenging him with his strength…

For a moment, I remembered the feeling of something thick and hot ramming into my ass. I
twitched, and at the same time I realized that my penis was on the verge of rising. Why is my
body in such a state of rebellion against my will? How was it that a single, forced experience
made me a homosexual who wants a man? But… but… smelling Tounoin’s scent… his
presence… is what causes this change in my body. He already understood, I convinced him
that I can’t be his lover, and he has not laid a finger on me as promised. I...I...I… stiffened at the
sound of a sigh behind me.

“What’s wrong? Can’t sleep?” The sleepy voice had a faint hint of a teasing smile. The bed
creaked as he turned over, and then Tounoin fell asleep with a swoosh.

‘Damn it!’ I thought. I was supposed to be worried that he would break the chains of his reason!
Yes, I was. He really wanted to have sex with me, but out of concern that he couldn’t keep his
vows he was going to stay at his parents’ house. Because I hinted at that, his vain counterattack
was this accusation that I didn’t trust him. The rest was just saying words for words’ sake, but…
okay, I’ll buy it. I’ll buy it. I’m determined to see how much more of this you can take, until you
give up! But if you lose it and come after me, I’ll laugh my ass off and ask what happened to
your vows! Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to laugh about it. Once my mind was made up, all I had
to do was sleep. Oh yeah, I’ll laugh it up. He’s going to get a real good night’s sleep…
I woke up twice in the night. Why is that? ‘I’m a better sleeper than you…’ get out of here with
that kind of joke!

I woke up in a daze. It was cool and chilly, and I nuzzled my nose into the warmth in front of my
face. I heard, “Good morning.”

“Mmm…” I replied softly. Huh?

The warmth was the chest of Tounoin’s pajamas, and I had slept hugging him! I tried to sit up,
but he pulled my head back and said, “Now do you understand? I have confidence in my ability
to reason,” reminding me of what I had thought before I fell asleep. I steeled myself to prepare
for an escape.

“Yes, but you’re not a good sleeper, are you?”

Tounoin laughed, “I’ll be as careful as possible.” Now I’m sure you’ll be sleeping with me as
long as I’m here. Don’t start barking now that your tail is out, wolf… I’m perfectly fine with it. But
the AC is so low in this room that it feels good to be together… I’m in trouble… I fell asleep
again and was woken up for lunch, and I felt embarrassed.

In the afternoon the two of us went out to look for an apartment again, but we didn’t find
anything that day either. I withdrew my requirement for being able to practice the violin. I was
satisfied with my modest request to be able to afford the rent, and making sure it was in
Fujimi-cho, not too far from the station. But I couldn’t even find one that would satisfy those
modest wishes. Most of the apartments in Fujimi-cho are bedroom-focused, and the emphasis
on family units seemed to be a bottleneck. I didn’t mind living in an apartment with one or more
baths, but the rent was accordingly expensive…

I had a Fujimi rehearsal in the evening, but I was tired from visiting real estate agencies. But I
had promised Ishida-san that I would attend, so I started preparing in the evening. I realized that
if I don’t play for a day, I can’t move my fingers the following day. Aside from the right hand that
uses the bow, the left hand has to play on the strings almost of its own accord. To make up for a
week’s absence of practicing, I spent three hours before heading to the Civic Center. But…
fuck! This is just Allegro! Why can’t I move my fingers better than this?

“Morimura-san.”

Oh, I’m depressed, I missed it again. And it’s in such an easy position…

“Morimura-san!” He shouted in my ear. I looked up to see Tounoin looking down calmly.

“Go ahead, I’ll be on my way shortly.”

“Are your clothes OK? If you want to change…”

“No, thank you. It’s fine, it’s fine.” I only had two sets of clothes in my travel bag, and the ones I
was wearing at the moment were procured by Tounoin because he thought it would be
inconvenient to keep wearing the same clothes. He has good taste.

“So, we should leave soon. We can stop at ​Fujimi​ on the way home for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I nodded and thought to myself, is he acting like my guardian? Yeah… he is.

Fujimi’s summer vacation lasted ten days, and I returned on the second rehearsal after the
vacation. I was escorted (or so it appeared) by Tounoin. We stepped into the main conference
room of the Civic Center and got down to business as usual. I took out the folding chairs from
the storage area and arranged them, took out the folding table and arranged it, then the tuner
and checked the batteries… Tounoin helped me quietly, and when he was done he disappeared
to somewhere else.

The first person to arrive was Ishida-san with his double bass, “Well, you’ve come out after all.”
Apparently he had come to set up the venue in my stead. Everybody else seemed to come very
quickly as well, and when they came up to talk to me they all knew about the fire in my
apartment. I shouldn’t have felt annoyed that they were worried about me, but I also felt
embarrassed, so I just said, “Thank you” and “It’s okay.” Kawashima-san also came to give her
condolences.

“I was worried when I heard from my mother that you called me. Where on earth did you go…?”
as she said this, the beautiful flutist looked at me with a puzzled expression. She knows about
my relationship with Tounoin, except she stopped short of saying anything out loud.

I took the initiative, “Yes, actually, I’m staying at Tounoin-san’s right now,” Ishida-san knew
about it, anyway. I added firmly, “In a clean and respectable way, as a housemate.”

Kawashima ran her white fingers through her pretty hair, “So are you still following the trend?”

“Of course not! I’m not gay!”

Kawashima-san cut me off, chuckling, “I’m sorry, I have to admit I have a little grudge against
you, so I felt like teasing.” It was a one-way love triangle between me, Kawashima-san and
Tounoin. I was in love with Kawashima-san, she fell in love with Tounoin at first sight, and
Tounoin fell in love with me… then I was dumped by Kawashima-san, she was rejected by
Tounoin, and of course I have no intention of becoming a lover to a man. But it was a joking
manner of resentment. After all, she’s the one that keeps trying to get me and Tounoin together.
She seems to think homosexual couples are ‘trendy,’ but you know… a man and a man bedding
together is just an awful sight.

That evening we were supposed to be finishing up ​Finlandia​, which we’ve been working on
since last month… I took a break, and hadn’t touched my violin for a week. I looked at
Igarashi-kun, the student cellist, and thought, ‘Well… let's see.’ I clapped my hands to get his
attention. “Since everybody seems to be ready, can we try playing the part together? Strings,
let’s do all the strings together and all the winds together. Timpani, please join the winds.
Kaizuka-san, please take the lead of the wind section.”

The principal oboe raised her hand to gather the other winds, and I joined the string group,
taking advantage of the rattling and rearranging. “Ichiyama-san,” I called the second violin
leader. “I’m sorry, but I need you to be the leader today.”

“But Concertmaster, why are you stepping down?”

“I haven’t played for a week, so my fingers are completely rusty. I want to get back in shape
before Tounoin-san gets here. Sorry to be so selfish.” Ichiyama, who was an accounting
manager of a construction company in the next town, nodded seriously.

“I heard you were sick in bed with a cold. How are you feeling now?”

“Better, thanks.”

Igarashi-kun smiled at me as I joined the circle. He was especially happy, but everyone was
already tired of practicing the monotonous long notes. The winds began to play and
Ichiyama-san frowned. “I can’t hear very well,” he said. For the next forty minutes, until eight
o’clock, we concentrated on uniting the string section.

“Stop, stop! We have to listen to each other more. If the string parts are not played like a single
instrument, it will be more disjointed when we put it together with the winds. Then, let’s take it
from bar 32.” The group with the timpani added to the woodwinds and brass seemed to be
working hard to create the right harmony, playing and stopping. Playing and stopping. I had
been able to instruct them on the right way to practice.

“Sorry,” said Nico-Chan, scratching his head. Ishida-san, who held the title of ‘Fujimi Citizen’s
Symphony Orchestra Caretaker,’ had been sentenced by his wife to have his instrument taken
away when he almost destroyed his main business, ​Mozart​ coffee shop, because he was so
devoted to Fujimi. As a relief measure for the situation when we lost our bass player, we won
her pardon so he could return to playing after almost ten years of being benched. He couldn’t
help that he couldn’t produce a solid sound, but Ichiyama-san had been a friend of Ishida-san’s
since the formation of Fujimi, and therefore had a relationship that allowed them to complain
freely. Ishida-san apologized and tried his best to meet the order of playing ‘crisply’ in a serious
manner. This was one of the things I liked about Fujimi, how in the family-like atmosphere
warnings and advice were exchanged very naturally. We were all getting better together while
having fun.

“Morimura-chan,” Ichiyama-san’s voice made me turn around. “You’ve got a lot of tension in
your shoulders.”

“Oh, yes,” I lowered my violin and did some exercise with my shoulders. I’m getting really stiff.

“So, let’s start at measure forty-eight,” It’s really wonderful to have such colleagues, I thought.
Oh, I’m in tune… yes, it’s going well. Eventually, at exactly the right time, Tounoin walked
through the door after his five-minute observation and climbed up on the podium. I wondered
where he had gone off to; I had thought he was going to be there for the earlier part of the
rehearsal since he came over with me. Then I realized something: could it be that he did it for
me? I didn’t mind at all, but it's true that I didn’t want it to be obvious that we had come to
rehearsal together.

I was packing up to leave after Tounoin’s usual, ‘We’re done’ when Igarashi-kun came up to me,
looking like he wanted to talk.

“So I heard that you were laid up for a while,” Igarashi is a current student in the cello
department of the local music university, who started school the same year I graduated. He’s a
cute guy who looks up to me for some reason. He’s talented, motivated, and cheerful, and also
tends to be the ‘mood-maker’ in Fujimi.

“I caught a cold when I got stuck without a place to stay,” I replied, “But I’m all better now.
Why?” I opened the floor for him.

“Actually…” he scratched his head, “The thing is… I’ve been ordered by the orchestra director to
transcribe some music. It’s for a program in next month’s school festival, and it’s due tomorrow.
I gathered my friends and we worked hard, but we still have a third of the score left to do.”

“Haha… what’s the piece?”

“A symphony composed by Kitagawa, a senior student in the composition department. It’s long
and complicated.”

“Then you shouldn’t have come to rehearsal tonight.”

“If I didn’t take a break from it, I’d be dead by now. I’ve been up all night for two days and still
haven’t finished.”

“So are you trying to get another cat’s paw?” Igarashi rubbed the back of his head as I talked.
“Sempai, please. I’ll get you midnight snacks and breakfast!”

Transcribing music is literally copying music, but not the easy way with the photocopier. What
Igarashi and his friends were doing was creating parts from the conductor’s score, the music
that represents the entire piece​4​. However, for each player in the orchestra the score is
inconvenient, since all the notes of the instruments are written in the music, and each page only
consists of four to six measures per page, requiring frequent page turns. So for the performers,
a part must be made from the score, a transcription of the part from the general score, and it
must be done for each instrument; for first violin the first violin part, oboe for the oboe,
percussion for percussion. Of course, for major works by popular composers such as Mozart,
Beethoven and Toshiro Mutsu, the publishers give you both the score and parts if you buy them
(or if there are copyright restrictions, you can rent them for a fee) — or copy them if you can get
away with it. However, the ones that Igarashi and his colleagues are working on are by a
student composer, with only the original score to work with…

In other words, the only option was to take the score and write out the parts, which I had done
many times. The ‘Freude Orchestra’ was formed as a music college club, and had a tradition of
playing newly composed pieces by fellow students mixed in with regular concert programming.
In Fujimi, whenever I needed to make my own arrangements for missing parts, I was the one to
do the transcribing (Nico could do the arranging as well, but as a busy coffee shop owner he
usually didn’t have time to do it). So I know firsthand the difficulty Igarashi and the others are
facing.

“Okay, I’ll help you out,” I answered. “Where have you been working on it?”

Igarashi looked relieved, “In my apartment, we only have the string parts left to do.”

“Is it a good piece?”

“It’s not bad. Mayuzumi said it was a great work, but…”

“Hahaha!” I realized that the only people left in the practice room were me, Igarashi and
Tounoin, and everything but the chair I was sitting on had been put away. I told the tall
conductor, “I’m going to go with Igarashi-kun to help him with some transcribing right now, so
please go home first.” He stared at me for a moment and nodded. He quickly left the room. “I’m
staying with him for right now, since I haven’t been able to find a reasonable apartment,” I
explained.

“Oh…” Igarashi nodded. After that, I felt like he was secretly biting back a laugh, but that was
probably my paranoia. “Well, you really saved my life. I was wondering what I would do if
Morimura-san refused me.”

4
These days, this would probably be done in a music engraving program, but such programs were not as
common in the 90s when this was written.
I finally escaped, didn’t I? But while listening to Igarashi’s smiling voice, I was thinking of how
Tounoin’s back looked somewhat depressed as he walked away. It’s not a bad feeling to have
somebody worry about you, but he’s being overly protective. I’m a full-grown man, I can take
care of myself. I don’t need a guardian anymore.

—-

Igarashi’s apartment was on the third floor of a newer reinforced concrete building, just a few
blocks from my old place that had burned down. The room, which was about six tatami mats
with a kitchen, was fairly clean, and two exhausted-looking coworkers were waiting for Igarashi
to return with his helper. The windows were open and the air was a bit stuffy, but there was no
fan running. A pile of staff paper scattered about the room was the reason why they couldn’t
have any inadvertent breeze.

“This is Kikuchi on clarinet and Oyama on piano.” Kikuchi was a small man with pouty lips that
looked like the type of person who would play clarinet. Both of them were dressed in running
shirts and pants, and their eyes were red, their faces full of stubble and fatigue.

“I’m Morimura. How many more pages do you have to do?” The symphony, titled ​Yuguna​, is a
large work with a performance time of fifty minutes, filled with waves of sixteenth notes mixed
with thirty-second notes in modulation after modulation, a characteristic of modern music. I
could tell from a glance of the score that it was a difficult piece. However, I could see a glimpse
of talent in the unique melodic quality of the phrases, which was probably why it was chosen as
the piece for the Freude Orchestra’s regular concert. But...I put my face close to the handwritten
copy. Is that a C? Or is it a D?...D apparently… it’s hard to tell.

“It’s hard enough to read, isn’t it?”

“I think you should probably re-write the whole score while you’re at it,” I said, and the
atmosphere quieted down. I realized that I had lost my mind. Damn it, these people…

“Well, I guess Kitagawa-kun will conduct, so I’ll just leave it at that.”

I tried to recover my position, but then one of them said, “Yoshida is the senior in the
conducting department, he’s going to conduct it…”

“So…”

“I’ll take care of the conductor’s score.” Igarashi’s face lit up as I said it with a sacrificial look of
resignation.

“I’ll do the second violin,” Kikuchi said, “Who’s gonna take cello?”
“I don’t mind doing the cello part,” Oyama said, staring at the copy of the score, “Just the cello.”

“How much time do we have?”

I flipped through the part, trying to assess how long I thought it would take, when Igarashi said
in a small voice, “I promised to have it done by nine o’clock…”

“... in the morning, right?”

“Hahaha, well…”

“So we’ve only got ten hours! What are you waiting for? Staff paper! Pens!” There was no point
in transcribing music if you can’t make it accurate and legible. And most of the time, you have to
race against the clock.

I started with the first violin part, one of the two that I had been assigned. There is only one
conductor’s score, but there are eighteen violins in a full orchestra. Priority was given to the
many. I wrote in the note heads as fast as I could, going back and adding the stems after I had
written a few measures' worth. Then I wrote the accidentals as needed — oops, it’s in B-flat
from here. Damn it, I don’t want anybody to get keystroke from… for moving chords around so
much. It’s a six-bar break, not five. Oh, is it natural or sharp? No, it’s natural. Hey, is that an E or
an F or… uh…

“Igarashi-kun,” I called out to him from halfway across the table, where he was focused on his
own work.

Without looking up, Igarashi placed something in front of me. It was dice.

“Is this..?”

“If it’s an even number, it’s E.”

“So you want me to roll the dice to decide which pitch it is? That’s random…” I mumbled, and
began to examine the chords to try and draw a conclusion from their spelling.

“Iga, give me the dice,” said Kikuchi, who was behind me using a beer container as a desk.
Igarashi tossed him the dice.

“I need them too,” said Oyama, who was also using a makeshift desk next to me.

“What, you’re all doing it that way? You’re lousy transcribers, aren’t you?”

Kikuchi muttered to me as he rolled the dice for Oyama, “I’m sure Morimura-san will figure out
why soon enough.”
I knew that if I had to guess and interpret every chord, I would never make the deadline in time.
Damn it, if it’s difficult, it’s probably a great piece. I don’t get this music at all! I started working
on it about ten o’clock, and it was past midnight when I finished the violin part with the measure
numbers written in. I skipped checking the music at this point and started transcribing the whole
score. If there were any mistakes, they could find them in rehearsal and if not, then it’ll be what
it is. After all, I had to finish this thick book of sheet music by eight o’clock at the latest… But
let’s be real, this is impossible! It’s physically not possible to do in seven hours what it would
take three people like Igarashi and his team two days and nights to do. But we had to get
whatever we could done. As I wrote the names of the parts on the second sheet of the score, I
called out to Igarashi, “The piano parts are done. I can’t finish the score by nine o’clock, but I’ll
do as much as possible.”

“You’ve finished the violin part already?”

“Really? Wow, that’s fast!” Igarashi picked up the completed part. “I can’t believe this is
handwritten! Morimura-san, you could make a living as a transcriber!”

“What? Which one? Wow, that’s great.”

“That’s true, the first violinists are lucky.”

“Ah…” I didn’t have time to be happy even if they praised me. Okay, brass is done. Next is….
but it’s so hot, even with the windows open, because there’s no breeze coming in. The rest of
them were wearing only their underwear; they had told me to take mine off too, and I would feel
better. So I took my shirt off, though I wasn’t wearing underwear so I was only naked on top, but
it’s only guys here anyway.

I was writing out the harp section on page 43 when I heard, “Oh, it’s finally done!” Oyama
exhaled a deep breath and suddenly fell back onto the tatami floor. “It’s already four o’clock and
I’m starving,” he said and rummaged through the bag from the convenience store that was left
there.

“There’s a ramen if you want it,” replied Igarashi, still moving his pen.

“If you make it for me, I’ll eat it.”

“What about you, Morimura-san?” He asked me. I was about to answer ‘no’ when I remembered
that I had skipped dinner, and I was almost at the limit of my energy with my stiff shoulders.

“I’ll eat. I missed dinner.”

“So you want me to make two?”

“No, just one.” I quickly sipped the cup of ramen while reading the rest of the score, and
returned to my writing. As I started the fiftieth page, Kikuchi announced that he was done with
his work. As soon as he finished his ramen, he flopped down beside Oyama, who had fallen
asleep, and he did the same.

“So depressed that they’re done already,” muttered Igarashi. Oyama was snoring, Kikuchi had a
peaceful sleeping breath, and the sound of Igarashi and my pens running on the paper… the
smell of ramen and the sweat of tired young people… I noticed a cool breeze coming through
the window, and when I raised my eyes it was light outside. I breathed in the brief freshness that
comes between the tropical night and a hot day. Now only a hundred pages to go.

When Igarashi packed his and the other’s finished bunches of parts into paper bags and left the
apartment, I was still wrestling with a job that would take another six hours. The sun was on the
way up. The hot room was somehow even hotter; sweat dripped from my hair as I bent over the
staff paper, so I wrapped a towel around my head. It trickled down my bare chest and armpits,
even on the back of my hand. Sweat gushes out in beads no matter how much I wipe it off,
making the pen slip in my hand. I took a short break when I had just started the 100th page. In
order to reduce the remaining 50 pages as much as possible, I did one more page in the three
minutes I was waiting for the cup o’noodles to be ready, but it took me longer than I thought it
would, and the ramen turned into udon.

As I slurped down the bloated noodles, I thought about how I was too good-natured. I felt like an
idiot for staying up all night on a job that has nothing to do with me or Fujimi… speaking of
which, I wonder if Tounoin was worried about me. But at this hour, it would be an imposition to
make a phone call, and I don’t even know his phone number in the first place… well, it should
be ok, I already mentioned that I was doing the transcription, and he should know that it’s a
time-consuming job. I finished the soup, drank two glasses of Aquarius​5​ to rehydrate myself,
and took up the pen to resume work. Ahh, my hands hurt, my eyes are tired… but if I rested
now, I wouldn’t be able to finish the job. Give me strength… I wrote the last symbol on the last
page, and the long, long job was done. Eighteen hours of work! My fingers were so stiff they
creaked when I tried to put the pen down. I took off my glasses, which felt like they were
burrowing into my nostrils, and placed them on top of the finished score. I was tired~

Igarashi and his friends had not returned yet. Come to think of it, he said he had rehearsal in the
evening. It’s hard for the underclassmen when they’re overworked by their seniors… I was
going to just leave my score behind and go back to Tounoin’s place, but when I laid down to
stretch my back — which was stiff as a board — I didn’t want to get up again. I decided to sleep
while looking after the house until Igarashi returned. Feeling my tired body falling asleep, I
patted myself on the back for a job well done.

5
Aquarius is a sports drink, a competitor to Pocari Sweat.
I smelled food and drink. The sound of voices, sometimes loud and sometimes guttural. It
sounded like I was in the middle of a drinking party. I turned over in my sleep, thinking it was too
noisy.

“Oh, Morimura-san, are you awake?” I heard Igarashi’s voice say, and felt him come over to
look at me. I pretended to still be asleep. They were probably celebrating being done with the
transcription, but right now I wanted to sleep more than drink.

“Morimura-san, we have Oden. Hey, Morimura-san.” I didn’t want it, just let me sleep.

“No, he won’t wake up,” I heard Igarashi say to his friends.

“Ah, well he’s a great person. Did you see the score? He rewrote it down to the last page. I
admire him,” Kikuchi replied.

“He’s a very serious person, he never makes mistakes on the violin. He practices like a pro, I
bet.”

“And he’s cute, too…” Oyama’s voice said, “I didn’t notice it until I saw him sleeping just now. So
amazing.” His speech was slurred, so clearly he was drunk.

“Hey, Oyama, don’t be weird,” Igarashi said with a laugh.

“What do you mean ‘weird’? Beethoven and Karajan had male lovers. Genius lives in
homosexuality,” after making this startling counterargument, he seemed to stand up.

“Hey Oyama, sit down,” Igarashi said.

“Hehe, just look at him,” he said, and inwardly I frowned as I felt liquored breath on my face.
“The more I look at him, the more attractive he is… so cute. Haha, he has such a beautiful
chest… and smooth skin… and perky nipples.”

“Hey if Morimura-san wakes up he’s going to kick your ass!” Kikuchi yelled. Oh, I’ll kick his ass
alright.

“Beethoven, Karajan… why are you making up that kind of bullshit?”

“Someday you’re gonna get killed, saying that kind of stuff.”

“It’s not bullshit, and I’m a genius. When I see a guy like this I get so horny… he’s so sexy...”
The reason I didn’t take action until the person speaking slammed into me was because I was
just too tired to bother moving.
“Whoa!” It wasn’t me who screamed, but Igarashi and Kikuchi. My mouth was blocked by the
boozy lips stuck to my face. As I struggled, Oyama gasped and said, “You look so sexy, ahh…”
as he groped my chest and stomach.

“You idiot! Stop it! Stop it!”

“Oyama, goddamn it, stop!” The two of them were yelling and trying to pull Oyama off of me.

I twisted Oyama’s ear, which he grabbed with his struggling hand, then I slapped him as hard as
I could in the face.“You perverted son of a bitch!” I shouted and glared at him.

Oyama looked at me soberly, “This… you! You hit me! I’ll fuck you up!!”

“Oyama! That’s enough!”

“I’m sorry Morimura-san, so sorry!”

“Dammit, let me have a shot at him!” Oyama yelled, and still tried to grab at me while being
pinned down by Igarashi and Kikuchi. I almost punched him, but I thought twice about it when I
noticed a poster of some chamber music group on the wall behind Oyama. That’s right, I’m a
violinist, and my hands are my most important tool. I looked around and saw a bottle of wine. I
grabbed it in my other hand and swung it over Oyama’s head; he thought I was going to crack
his skull, and Igarashi held up his hands in surprise. But what I threw at his head was… alcohol.
After I emptied the contents of the bottle on Oyama’s head, I threw the bottle down.

“There, I’ve cooled you down a bit, asshole!” I spat at him between my clenched teeth. I glanced
at the three rigid men and put on the clothes I had taken off. Damn it, if I had known I’d get
mixed up in something like this, I wouldn’t have agreed to do anything. I stepped into my
sneakers and opened the door.

“Oh, Morimura-san, please wait!” Igarashi dashed after me, but I ignored him. “Sorry, I’m so
sorry! I’m really sorry this happened after you helped me so much. I’m sorry!” Igarashi was
crying. “When he gets drunk he turns into a monster, but he usually doesn’t do that sort of thing!
I’ve never seen him do anything like that before.”

“So are you saying it’s my fault?” Igarashi fell silent for a moment when I sprayed him with the
cold anger that was inside me. I looked at him sideways. Igarashi followed me and wept with a
crumpled face. I sighed and stopped. “...I know it’s not your fault. I can’t tell you not to worry
about it, though.”

“I’m sorry…!” Igarashi squeaked out and sobbed. “Oh I… I can’t go to Fujimi anymore.”

“...are you saying you’re going to make the cello section vacant?”
“No, because I…”

It came out of nowhere. The blood that had been frozen in the pit of my stomach shot up to my
head and I yelled as loud as I could, “Don’t be stupid! Don’t you dare waste that shit score I just
transcribed for you! And now I’m repaid by getting teased by a drunk and being told that our
only cello is quitting? Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Igarashi’s eyes darted as he looked up at me, mumbling, “I’m sorry...I’m sorry…”

“It’s all right, as long as you understand,” I said, and walked away. I thought how the tone of
voice I used was like Tounoin’s. Come to think of it, Tounoin… is he worried? It was already
night again, and I had left my watch in Igarashi’s apartment, but it was too late to go back. I
hurried through the humid night, passing by the convenience store near the apartment.
Remembering that I was hungry, I turned around. No, wait, I don’t have any money. But I went
ahead and took a peek at the clock at the cash register before I turned the corner again; just
before one o’clock… ‘I wonder if Tounoin is asleep,’ I thought, and then I realized: I don’t have
my keys. I still haven’t made another spare since I lost the last one, and the last time I left the
apartment I was with Tounoin, so I didn’t realize that I would need it. I’m in trouble… guess I’ll
have to camp outside of the door again…

I knocked several times, but there was no answer and the door didn’t open. I twisted the knob,
hoping that it would work — the door was unlocked. It was dark in the cool, air-conditioned
room, and Tounoin seemed to have fallen asleep. Feeling like a curfew-breaking teenager, I
stealthily took off my shoes and entered the room, trying to dampen the sound of my footsteps.
Tounoin was in the bed, asleep. I slipped my violin case on the shelf and walked quietly to open
the door of the cabin without making any noise. I took a quick shower (the hot water needs
some time to come out, but I didn’t want to wake up Tounoin), changed into my pajamas, and
crept into the kitchen to get at least a piece of bread. I found a sandwich from the convenience
store sitting on the table, a box of cup soup, a cup and a pot of hot water. As I took a bite, my
heart was filled with a sincere feeling. ‘You’re a good guy, Tounoin…’ as my rumbling stomach
settled down, I was ready to forget about what stupid Oyama had done to me, that damn drunk.
I turned off the lights in the cabin and snuck back into the main room. I slipped into the space
Tounoin had left open for me, and breathed a sigh of relief.

I heard a half-asleep voice say, “Oh… you’re back…”

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Did you finish the transcription?”

“It was an all-nighter, eighteen hours of work.”

“...are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just want to go to sleep.”

“Good night.”

“Good night,” I said, and I fell asleep right away… around what seemed to be dawn I woke up
because it was cold, but it was too much effort to get up and turn off the air conditioner, so I
chose to huddle closer to the warmth that was near me. It was so warm… Tounoin seemed to
notice and hugged my shoulder, but I was already drifting back to sleep so I didn’t know, and
didn’t care. I’m not sure if it’s because I trusted that I would be safe with Tounoin, or because I
believed he was different from Oyama and that narcissistic, violent homosexual Yasaka.

The next day was super, as if all the bad luck I had been having was turned upside-down. It was
literally my lucky day. First of all, the manager of the bank came to visit me with a gift. He told
me that due to a computer processing error, my salary — which should have been deposited
into my account — had been transferred to another customer’s account. The manager bowed
his grasshopper-like bald head and said, “Please keep this matter to yourself.” He left me a
noshi envelope with a greeting card and a brush writing on it. Inside was two months of my
salary. I showed it to Tounoin.

“This is how much they gave.”

He sniffed in frustration, “I’m not sure if that is adequate compensation for their part in causing
these difficulties.”

“Well, yes, but it’s all over now…”

“If that’s what you want, then it’s not my place to tell you otherwise.”

“But I feel bad, you know… crashing in front of your apartment and all…”

“I was happy to do it,” Tounoin said, turning away from me with a sigh. I remembered that I
needed to find a new apartment as soon as possible; I felt bad staying here forever.

The second lucky break came at a real estate agency in a neighboring town, where I went
separately from Tounoin.

“There’s a one-bedroom and bath for 40,000 yen, a three-year old condo on the 6th floor.”

“In Fujimi-cho?” I was about to jump for it without question, but the old owner’s eyes flashed
behind his glasses.
“To be honest, it’s been hard to keep occupied. Since this past April, three people have already
left within a month of each other.”

“No way… did somebody just move out again?” The realtor shook his head in disbelief.

“The person in the apartment above play music loudly at all hours of the night and day. But you
can’t complain about it, because it’s occupied by the landlord’s son, so you know…”

What? Could that be…? “Is it a tall apartment building down the corner from a convenience
store…?”

“Oh, do you know it? It belongs to the bank president, so the facilities are top-notch, but just that
one room on the 6th floor has been vacant since June. The floor is the only part that isn’t
soundproof, and nobody could stand the ‘noise’ coming from the ceiling. So the rent has been
discounted by 80,000 yen.”

“How big is it?” The realtor gave me a look like I shouldn’t ask, but told me that it was a
Japanese-style eight-tatami-mat room with a four-and-a-half-tatami dining and kitchen. It also
had AC and heating. “I’ll take it,” I said. “40,000 for a one bedroom with bath, AC and
background music is too good to be true, I’d even put up with a ghost or two.”

“Well, if you say so…” the agent pulled out a contract with a face that said ‘Don’t come crying to
me later.’ The name on the rental contract was ‘Inmitsu Tounoin.’ I thought of an old gentleman
with gray hair, but if he was Tounoin’s father he couldn’t be that old. Rent can be paid via bank
transfer; so, he’s the son of a banker, I knew he wasn’t a commoner. I’ve got three months’
deposit and money for the key, plus rent for this month and next month thanks to the
‘condolences’ money from the bank —but that’s a small price to pay for luck. “Ah, also I’d like
you to get a guarantor.” The agent pointed to a blank space on the contract, “Here’s where your
name and address are, please put your seal here.”

“Is it okay if I bring it back in a couple of days?”

“Yes, that’s fine. Here’s the address. Oh, right, you know where it is, don’t you? Now, the key.”

I took the key and asked, “Which bank president is the landlord?”

“Fujimi Bank, sir?” He looked at me like he couldn’t possibly not know the president of a
long-established bank in this area.

“Oh… and that’s located in…”

“It’s in Seijo. But I’m the property manager. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask me.” It
seems that I wouldn’t have a chance to cross paths with Tounoin’s father; I was a little curious
what kind of person he is. On my way home, I stopped by Ishida-san’s ​Mozart.
“Oh, in Tounoin’s building?” He smiled and said, “Well, I’m glad you found a nice place.” He
smiled and said, “Since you found an apartment…” he pulled out a cardboard box from under
the counter. It was full of sheets, towels, tea bowls, cups, pots and pans… “Kawashima-san is
indeed a solid office worker. She made a ‘list of items needed to reconstruct a house’ rather
than just gathering donation money, asked people to give their unused items from their houses,
and it turned out to be enough for a whole house. That was the idea.”

“She’s going to make a great wife, I’m

sure.” She knew that I’d mind if it was
money, so she collected practical items.
The fish that gets away is always big…
“Um, so, could I get some coffee
vouchers?”

“You don’t have to give anything back in

return.”

“Yes, but I want to give something to

Tounoin-san.”

“Oh, I see. So you want some coffee

coupons?”

“It’s practical, isn’t it? Please, I’ll take three

books of ten vouchers.” Ishida-san smiled a
little apologetically; I’m sure that he knows
I’m buying them as a way to repay him for
the money he gave me when he visited.

“By the way, I’d like to talk to you about

something,” Ishida-san stepped up to the
counter, changing from owner of ​Mozart​ to
that of Fujimi caretaker, “For our next piece, why don’t we do Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto?”

“A violin concerto?”

Ishida-san looked around quickly and whispered with conspiratorial enthusiasm, “I got the hall
reserved at the Civic Center. There was a cancellation for Sunday, November 27th.”

“So… would it be a regular concert?”

“Not anymore, it would be a proper concert.”

“Oh, are you sure we have enough time to prepare?” Ishida-san nodded smugly as I was
leaning over the counter.

“I was thinking that we should do it this year, now that we have Tounoin-san with us. I really
wanted to do it after New Year’s, but I heard that the hall would be under renovation from
January to May. I happened across that cancellation, so I jumped at the chance even though I
was a bit busy.”

“Yes, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.”

“So I thought I’d like to include the Mendelssohn.”

“That sounds great! But… what about the soloist?”

“There’s already one,” Ishida-san pointed at me.

“Me…? I’ll be the soloist?”

“Icchan agrees.” ​Come on…

“But we’ve never done a piece with a solo before…”

“So that’s why we should do it. It’s good for us to do one once and awhile.”

“But then what about the first violins…”

“We have Goto-chan, Miyake-chan, Kijima-san, Nitta-san, Yoshiko Suzuki-san, Hirota-san…

why don’t you ask Haruyama-san to join from the seconds?”

“Then the second violins would be Ichiyama-san, Higashi-san, Hirai-san…”

“Seven people would be enough, right?”

“Yes, in terms of just numbers…” but when it came to balance of competence...

The door chime rang and a group of housewives walked in, and Ishida-san turned to welcome
them and prepare some glasses of water. “Well, you should think about it, and discuss it with
Tounoin-kun.”

“Yes, I’ve always wanted to do a concerto, but…”

“All the strings were saying that they wanted Morimura-chan to do a solo.”

“Hah...haha.”
—-

On my way home my feet were skipping lightly. ‘We can have a concert, we can have a concert.
For the first time in two years, Fujimi can have a concert!’ I ran around the corner, bounded up
the stairs and opened the door with my freshly made spare key. The sound of the ​Brandenburg
Concerto​ hit me, but I was deaf to it today.

“Tounoin! Tounoin! I slid down on my knees in front of him, where he was sitting cross-legged in
his usual spot. “We’re having a concert! November 27th!”

Tounoin made a gesture of ‘I can’t hear you, please wait’ and went to stop the music. As soon
as the sound stopped, I repeated myself, “A concert has been scheduled! Sunday, November
27th, Shimin Kaikan Hall! Ishida-san was able to get a date because of a cancellation, and
asked me if I wanted to play the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto!”

Tounoin looked at me from in front of the console, and I realized that I was very excited in
contrast to his calm demeanor. My face flushed. “No, but do you know, it’s been two years since
we had a concert.”

“November?” Said Tounoin in a cold voice.

“I know it’s soon, so it’s going to be hard, but it’s at the end of the month… so it’s about three
months away, right?

Tounoin’s complexion softened, “It depends on how we do it. I don’t mind.”

“Really? Great…! So…” he glanced at the envelope in my hand.

“Oh, did you get something?”

“I was kind of lucky today, I found an apartment as well.” I pulled the contract out of the
envelope, and when I was about to show it to him, I noticed the look in his eyes was somewhat
complicated. At once I felt something flutter in my stomach; it was the first time I felt that. “It
wasn’t a bad idea to crash here, but it was an emergency situation for both of us. Anyway, the
place I got is cheap, well-equipped, and convenient. I’ve already signed the contract.”

“That’s good to hear,” said Tounoin with a deep sigh. If I remained here, it would only cause
more suffering… the word ‘Love’ is very similar to the word ‘Strange’​6​...

“Well, actually, I do need a guarantor,” I opened the contract and placed it in front of him.
“Would you mind?”

6
The Kanji for Love is 愛 and the Kanji for Strange/Weird is 変, so the similarity is in how they’re written.
“Yeah, well that’s already...” he said as he picked up the contract with a hand that was trying not
to show his reluctance… I froze. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not, his normally cool,
long eyes were round.

“Not bad, huh?” I asked. Tounoin secretly panicked and turned his head, pretending to read the
contract.

“...It’s okay, I guess. How much is it?”

“40,000. But it’s only a minute’s walk to the civic center. I think it’s great. Now, why don’t you say
something?”

With his head down, Tounoin patted various pockets. Then, “I’ll go get a pen,” he said.

“I’ll also need your seal,” I said, starting to stand up.

“Please stay here,” Tounoin said, “...I’m afraid I’m going to have to hug you.” Then he ran off
into the cabin. I laughed, I couldn’t believe that the man who sells himself on his pride and
arrogance lost his nerve like that. Just because I happened to get an apartment in the same
building as his, that’s all. Then I felt a stinging pain in my heart at the thought. I got up and went
into the cabin, but when I saw Tounoin’s back at the kitchen table, I didn’t know what to say. I
didn’t have the right to ask him if he wanted to continue being a snake charmer for the rest of
our lives, and it’s hypocritical for me to consider his feelings when I made the decision that I
wanted to be his friend and nothing more… I pulled another envelope out of my pocket and
approached his back.

I was spoiled by his kindness, but that together with when he agreed to give up on pursuing me,
for the time being made us even. “And also this. I don’t know if I can thank you enough, but I
mean, I feel…” I put the envelope over his shoulder on the table.

He opened it as delicately as if it were a sparrow’s tapestry and froze again, but this time he got
over it in an instant. “Thank you, I’ll treat you to ​Mozart’s​ coffee for the time being.” He turned
around and had put on his poker face… ha, he’s not good at accepting this.

“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll be over there to talk about everything until the performance.” Here as well.

“‘I’ll never go out with you for coffee or dinner,’' He said with a smile, reminding me of what I had
told him. After all, this was the game between us. I want to make sure that we are friends, and
Tounoin wants to develop into lovers. But I won’t be the one to lose.
—-
I woke up in the middle of the night after being kicked twice. The next morning, while Tounoin
was making coffee and I was cooking bacon and eggs, I mentioned it to him.

“Well, you stole the blanket twice and gave me an uppercut,” he replied.
“I think even a double bed is too small for two men.”

When I glared at him, he said, “Well, it’s big enough if you’re embracing each other,” and
laughed… that was the first time I ever heard Tounoin laugh out loud. The kitchen here is nice
and bright. For the one in my apartment, it remains to be seen.
 Part 2 - Do You Like The Concert?

“I’m sorry!” Tounoin said suddenly. He kept his face down for a bit, as if he were enduring
something, then closed the score and said quickly, “I’m very sorry, I can’t seem to hear
everybody tonight. That will be all for today.” As soon as he said this, the tall conductor left the
rehearsal hall, practically running away. It hadn’t been more than a few minutes since he had
stepped onto the podium. We all watched him leave in a daze; when he took off he looked
uncharacteristically red-faced, and even had wet eyes… Kei Tounoin, the ultra-confident man
with a trademark big attitude, was on the verge of tears. It was a Thursday, just two months
away from our concert that was scheduled for the end of November.

My name is Yuuki Morimura. I am 23 years old, and a violinist who graduated from a music
college — though not a national one — but gave up on becoming a professional violinist, and
instead is currently a music teacher at a high school. And Tounoin is the permanent conductor
of the amateur orchestra that I am a member of. We are the Fujimi Citizen Symphony
Orchestra, commonly referred to as Fujimi Ni-chome Philharmonic. I have been the
concertmaster of Fujimi for the past two years, and we currently have 41 members. The group is
made up of office workers, housewives, students, and other music lovers who practice three
times a week, depending on everybody's individual schedules. Our current situation is lucky to
say the least, in that we have at least one person on every part. Rumors that the group will
disband are always a background concern, but this classical music club isn't about to go under
anytime soon. For better or worse, our skills are at the lower end of the scale… or so I thought.

Although there is a sense of rivalry between the Fujimi Citizen Symphony Orchestra and the
city-organized Fujimi Citizen Symphony Orchestra — which formed a few years ago by pulling
out most of our core members, and has held auditions to recruit new members ever since — we
are not directly competing with each other. But in June of this year, three and a half months ago,
we had this permanent conductor named Tounoin appointed to our orchestra. He’s a tall man
that I look up to (literally), and one of the elite of the elite: he dropped out of the University of the
Arts after passing straight through all his classes in one year, and then, having ‘nothing more to
learn,' went to Germany and Austria to hone his baton further. He’s only one year younger than
me at 22 years old, but if you put us side by side, I definitely look like the younger one. The
shape of his eyebrows and the contours of his face are reminiscent of Karajan when he was
younger, and his long, narrow eyes are always calm and collected. His mood is similarly calm,
so much that at first I thought he was pompous. He's not a flashy conductor, but he has his own
style that clearly conveys his musical ideas, based on an impressively deep insight into the
music. And of course, he also has good ears. He rarely makes any personal comments in
rehearsal, but there are passages where it seems like he can hear each of the 41 instruments
and their parts in every section individually. He’ll say things like, “In bar 28, the middle note of
the triplet is not high enough. It seems to be a habit, so please fix it.” Seemingly on a whim, he
landed on Fujimi like a crane on a lake. Occasionally I’ll see a member of the ensemble
grumbling, but otherwise he has earned the trust and respect of everybody with his outstanding
musicianship, teaching ability, and sincerity...

But now, with this sudden apology and saying, ‘I can’t hear you all,’ Tounoin — who had never
been late, left early, or been absent — ran away from the rehearsal hall after only ten minutes of
conducting… and right when we were in the hectic part of preparing for our first concert in two
years! If this isn’t a scandal, I don’t know what is! As the members started to nervously rustle
about in surprise and disbelief, I was thinking to myself, ‘I knew it. I knew this was going to
happen. I should have stopped him sooner…’

The culprit had to be those headphones. I think it was yesterday… I actually have been using
Tounoin’s apartment for my own personal practice. Tounoin lives in a 1k a month apartment
building, but he still has to share the room when I practice. Tounoin frequently studies scores
while listening to recordings, so in order to coexist, he conveniently uses headphones.
However… when he is listening out in the open, he plays music so loudly that I can’t hear what
he’s saying even if he yells, and he doesn’t seem to turn down the volume when he uses the
headphones. And for the past few days, I’ve been practicing at his place every night because
I’m preparing the solo to Mendelssohn’s ​Violin Concerto in E Minor,​ which was chosen for our
upcoming concert program. On days when we didn’t have rehearsal, it was from the time we
finished dinner until midnight, and Tounoin was using the headphones the entire time.

“Morimura-san,” I looked up when I heard a soprano voice calling me by name. Kawashima-san

was looking down at me with her flute in hand, giving me a look that seemed to be half concern
for Tounoin and half blame for me. Yes, this is my fault. It was my fault for not persuading him to
stop the important conductor, whose life depends on his ears, from listening with headphones at
a volume that would make my ears ring at night -- even though I knew it was a bad idea. No, it
was a mistake in the first place for me to go and use his apartment without realizing that I’d
been taking advantage of his kindness.

“Let’s continue rehearsing without him,” I said to her.

“We all will get out of shape.”

“Well…” Kawashima-san didn’t look convinced, but quietly returned to her seat.

I stood up and clapped my hands to get everybody’s attention, “Since Tounoin-san has gone
home sick, let’s have a group ensemble-style rehearsal for the rest of the time.” I went to sit
back down, but that didn’t seem like the correct thing to do. “He said he caught a cold, so that's
probably the reason he left so suddenly. I’ll stop by on my way home to check on him, but I don’t
think there’s anything to worry about. I’m more worried about what we'll sound like tomorrow,” A
few people chuckled.

“You’re right, I mean, tonight’s playing is starting to give me a headache,” said Ichiyama-san,
who has a knack for making sarcastic remarks without being too aggressive.

“Sorry, that’s probably my fault. Thanks to reports for school, I’ve hardly been able to practice,”
Haruyama-san said while bowing her head; she was studying to become a pharmacist.

“What do you mean? We’re all in the same boat,” Goto-san, an accountant, said with a toothy
grin. “Even before a concert, work doesn’t wait for anybody.”
“Anyway, let’s not waste time so we don’t knock out the conductor in the next rehearsal,” said
Ichiyama, handing the baton to me.

“Everybody, let’s start from the top, the winds need to pay more attention to the tempo.”

“Suuure…” Kawashima gave a humorous reply to fit with the light atmosphere, but her eyes
glared at me over the flute. She seemed to say, ‘Liar! It’s not a cold, is it?’ But there was no
point in upsetting everybody. I’ll take responsibility. I pushed my glasses up, trying to regain my
composure. I sat down and went into playing position, bow on string.

“Morimura-kun,” Goto-san whispered, and shook his head.

“Oh, no, no, right. I’m the soloist, so I’m not playing first violin.” Blushing, I put my instrument
down and went to the podium.

“Assistant conductor, get it together!” Kotani-san, the horn player, shouted at me in a laughing
voice, and it helped me calm down.

“Okay, here we go. One-Two-Three-Four,” as I took the lead for the Mendelssohn, which was
still far from complete, I felt my heart grow cold. What if Tounoin was to go deaf?.... I’ll never be
able to forgive myself.

That night, after cleaning up the rehearsal room and heading home, I stood in front of Tounoin’s
door just before 10 o’clock. I moved into his apartment building this past August, after my place
burned down while I was out of town for the Bon Festival. After a lot of commotion, I ended up
renting the apartment just below his, which was pure chance. Additionally, the rent was cut in
half because Tounoin’s music leaks through the inadequately soundproofed floor. But perhaps
my good luck was Tounoin’s bad luck.

It’s only a minute’s walk from my place to his, so before going to him I stopped by my apartment
to drop off my violin; since my place is on the sixth floor, the only way to access his floor is
through mine. For the first three weeks after Tounoin’s arrival at Fujimi, I was emotionally
destabilized by his genius from the very beginning, but I had put that behind me. I now consider
him a good person, besides being a fellow musician. Standing in front of his door, I skipped
knocking and pulled out the duplicate key he had given me; Tounoin’s apartment was
completely soundproofed with the exception of the floor, so knocking was useless.

He had come back home, and was sitting on the floor of his large room that looked like a
recording studio with a bed. His masculine profile was turned down, and his eyes were closed.
He seemed to be letting the sound, which was probably turned up so high that it was crushing
his ears, take over his body and mind. I thought, ‘What the hell?’ And stumbled in, went straight
to the console and flipped off the power switch. Tounoin opened his long, narrow eyes and
blinked, looking up at me. “Oh, come on!” I said as I took the headphones off of his slick-backed
hair. I put them on the console and sat down in front of him, knee to knee. “What the hell are
you thinking?” I started, my voice coming out a bit more forceful than I intended, “It’s no wonder
you can’t hear us in rehearsal!”

The majority of the blame lies with me, though. So I softened my tone and continued, “I should
have made you stop wearing those headphones a long time ago, but I took advantage of your
kindness. From tonight I’ll find somewhere else to practice, so please stop using those things.”

Tounoin gave me a vague look and said, “Why? I don’t find this inconvenient at all.” It seemed
like he could hear what I said, so if he was losing his hearing it wasn’t too bad yet. I was
relieved, but at the same time it’s not like I could easily dismiss it. I’ve been using his place daily
for a month, which is long enough to start affecting his eardrums.

“You don’t need me to tell you that hearing is a musician’s life, right? There are people like
Beethoven who became more successful after they lost their hearing, but that’s a big exception.
And besides, he mostly conducted his own music.”

“Yes, indeed.” Tounoin answered, but it seemed like he didn’t think I was talking about him. So I
decided that I needed to be more direct.

“Did you see a doctor?”

“What?”

This idiot...“What do you mean what? You’re losing your hearing, aren’t you?”

“No...” His reply was as if he didn’t understand why I would say such a thing.

“But you said that! In tonight’s rehearsal, you said you couldn’t hear everyone!”

“Oh…” Tounoin’s expression changed to one of understanding, “Yes, I did say that.”

“So I thought it’s because you’re using those things that you’re losing your hearing…! Isn’t that
right?”

“No, I’m not. It’s not like that,” he said with a faint chuckle, turning his head towards the window,
which had the blinds still open, “It’s not that.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, “That’s good. I thought…”

“But it’s true that I couldn’t hear tonight. If it keeps going like this, I won’t be able to continue
conducting,” he said in a matter-of-fact way, as if it were somebody else that he was talking
about.
“But you said…”

“My ears aren’t bad. But I can’t hear. And I can’t conduct sound that I can’t hear.”

“...so is it something mental?”

“Well, I suppose so,” Tounoin said, smiling bitterly, and I immediately thought about psychiatry.

“You should consider seeing a therapist.”

Tounoin nodded vaguely. I told him to do it by all means, and also advised him to stop wearing
the headphones just in case, then I left his place. As I walked down the stairs, I decided that I
would use the baseball field to practice again. It would be hard on rainy days, and the cold
season was coming, but it was what I had always done. I went back to my apartment and was
just picking up my violin case to do my practice for the evening, when the phone rang.

It was Tounoin. “I’m going for a walk now. If you want to practice, go ahead.” That was all he
said and then hung up. Immediately after I heard the door close in the floor above and the
sound of shoes clacking down the stairs.

‘He must be very troubled,’ I thought to myself. ‘He’s never gone for a walk at this hour before.
But I guess it’s good for me.’ I hurriedly went up to the seventh floor again and started practicing
the Mendelssohn, thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to practice in his place until he returned.

The Mendelssohn is the kind of major masterpiece that everyone has heard at least once, and
that makes it more difficult to play because even the slightest error will be noticed by the
audience. On top of that, being a soloist is a huge responsibility, so I was even more nervous. If
I failed, Fujimi would fail. Of course I was confident that I wouldn’t make any mistakes that would
be obvious to anybody but me, and as I had been practicing it for hours upon hours, my
proficiency was natural. The question was, could I play it properly? And the answer to that was
still no. I was still searching for a way to bridge the gap between the sensibility Mendelssohn
demanded and the sound produced by my violin, the gap between the ideal and reality. Every
day for the past two weeks I was struggling to fill in the blank, but I just couldn’t get the sound I
was looking for; the music doesn’t seem to come alive. The music the composer wrote should
be deeper and more beautiful, like how Henrik Schilling sounds, for example… of course I don’t
have such an ambition, to match the level of performance that world-famous soloists have. But
the depth of tone is so different… I can’t play in front of an audience with such a huge
discrepancy. It was like the distance between Heaven and earth. I can’t go on stage and declare
that “I’m a soloist” when what I’m playing is not music!

When I started practice I had the intention of quitting as soon as Tounoin came home, but
before I knew it, three hours had passed and it was 1am. How far did he walk, anyway? I
decided to call it a night because if I stayed any later, it would interfere with my work tomorrow;
I’m a teacher, after all. I turned off the lights and locked the door, then went back to my
apartment to get ready for bed. I heard the sound of a door slamming shut on the floor above
when I got back. Relieved that Tounoin had returned, I crawled into bed and fell asleep, still
rehearsing the solo in my head over and over, far from being satisfied with how it sounded.

The next day was the autumnal equinox, so school was actually closed. Fujimi also was off on
Friday, so in keeping with my habit of late, I spent the morning tidying up the week’s worth of
housekeeping and planned later do my shopping. I went up to Tounoin’s apartment and played
for about four hours, followed by starting the slow cooker for dinner, which I can’t normally do on
rehearsal days. I went to practice again, and the plan was to go to the baseball field, then return
at midnight, take a bath and go to bed… but it was raining. When I came home from shopping, I
found a note stuck to the door:

“I will be out for a concert today. Be home at 11pm.”

With something resembling a signature scrawled at the bottom, that I assumed was ‘Kei
Tounoin.’ As I peeled off the note, I thought that I was lucky because now I can use the
apartment until 11pm. ‘I wonder if he’s been to a doctor yet… if I see him, I’ll ask him, and if he
hasn’t, I’ll tell him to go again.’

However, that evening I finally managed to make some decent sounds, and just when I thought
I was on the right track, I was frustrated with my pathetic bow arm. It was almost midnight when
I took a break, but Tounoin still hadn’t come back. As I did the night before, I turned off the lights
and locked the door, then returned to my place. I was just getting into the bath when I heard his
door close. I thought to myself, ‘I guess when you miss each other, you miss each other.’

—-

Then came Saturday. Not that I didn’t have my reservations, but Tounoin showed up right on
time and we played ​The Beautiful Blue Danube,​ the secondary piece we were working on. It
was slated to be practiced starting this week, but it definitely wasn’t finished tonight. Since we
had a concert coming up, we had an additional 30 minutes of rehearsal time. Tounoin finished
conducting and announced, “I’ll focus more on this piece next week.”

As usual, I told him my practice schedule in person and he left the rehearsal room. I thought
today went okay… the previous rehearsal was a little uneven, but it seems to be something that
happens with people who are geniuses. However, it seems my judgement was too optimistic.

“Ummm, Morimura-san…” Haruyama-san called out to me as I was putting away the chairs,
pondering in my head how I was going to tackle the Mendelssohn.

“Yes?”
When I turned around, the young violinist started with her usual ‘Ummm,’ “Tounoin-san was
rather strange again tonight, right?”

I was momentarily at a loss for words, because her tone of voice was so matter-of-fact and
definitive. I didn’t think it was different than usual… “Oh… I suppose so?” I chose a neutral
answer, but Haruyama nodded firmly.

“It’s really weird. I deliberately looked at my music over and over again to see if I was right… of
course, while playing. And Tounoin-san didn’t notice!” His first and foremost order was to never
take our eyes off the baton, even for a moment, whenever we were playing. If you want to look
at the music, you can't be playing while you do it. But as long as we’re making sound, we have
to be watching his baton. That was Tounoin’s rule as a conductor, and it was his policy to have
us play by memory…

“Certainly,” I said, nodding as she continued.

“Normally he’ll let you get away with slipping once or twice, but he definitely stops you the third
time.” Usually he doesn’t say anything about mistakes, but that is the one thing that will cause
him to relentlessly stay ‘STOOOP!’ “But I got away with it ten times! I even played a whole page
while looking at the music, but not once tonight did we get the STOP!” To be sure, we were still
at that point with this music where that should happen.

“Alright,” I answered. “I’ll talk to him about it.” I’m not sure if it’s because of Haruyama-san’s
brave test, but man… how did I miss Tounoin being so dazed?

“So…” I stopped her before she left, “Have you mentioned it to anyone else?”

“No, I only wanted to tell you, Morimura-san.”

“Thank you,” I said, bowing sincerely, “He does seem to be troubled about something, but I’ll
take care of it.”

“Yes, I won’t tell anyone. Please do your best.”

“I will. It’s an important concert we’re preparing for,” I said.

“That’s right,” she replied and gave me a heartfelt smile, “But you know, even though it’s
important for our concert to be a success, it’s more important for Tounoin-san to get better.”

That hit me hard, Haruyama-san said that Tounoin was more important than the concert. After
all, isn’t that the core of Fujimi, to take care of its members? Then I realized — had I ever
thought of Tounoin as a member of Fujimi? No, he’s a conductor, so he’s not a member… no,
wait. To be sure, the term “permanent conductor” used to apply to several people who were
asked to come for a prescribed amount of time, so we wouldn’t say they were members. But
what about Tounoin? Of course he’s paid for his position, but I don’t know how much. But that’s
not the point, the point is that he’s hired. All the other standing conductors, who were ‘here to
help' -- was Tounoin the same as them?

… no, he’s different. He loves Fujimi. If you look at him as just a hired conductor who is here
because he was asked to, then you would also be saying that his sincere conducting was strictly
business, and he was a sell-out. But… then, why did I act like I was more concerned about the
concert than Tounoin’s condition? The self-accusation made me cringe, and it probably
stemmed from the same root as my failure to notice Tounoin’s condition tonight, because I didn’t
recognize him as a member of Fujimi. I was satisfied that he was able to conduct as usual, so I
figured there was nothing to worry about. But come to think of it, the way he conducts, repeating
the same thing precisely every time… we wouldn’t even notice if he were deaf. It would have
been easy for him to perform everything ‘as usual,’ since he has all the notes and signs in the
score, and the precise metronome marking in his head. If I’m only interested in Tounoin the
conductor — which has nothing to do with Kei Tounoin the person — his ‘as usual’ is enough,
so I didn’t worry about anything… I forgot that he is a man who worries and suffers. I respected
him as a musician, relied on him as a colleague in Fujimi, and as a friend.

Oh… I think of him as the best of friends, even if I had some reservations, but I never thought
until now that he was also made of flesh and blood. After the incident with Yasaka, and that
afternoon when Tounoin tried to embrace me by force for the second time… I realized that a
part deep inside me was unforgivably attracted to him, and he knew it too. But he understood
that I was cursing the rebellion of my body, and he backed off like a man should. He pushed
down his desires and emotions through sheer willpower, apologized and swore he’d never do
anything like that again… but I know that this is a sandcastle that he’s built with his rational
mind, and his true intentions are still struggling to get out from the pretense he’s been forced
into. He wants to make me his lover, with a physical relationship. That’s why I didn’t want to
acknowledge Kei Tounoin as a man, but instead have been trying to accept him in a limited
existence in the role of ‘conductor’ only.

As I walked through the empty room, folding up chairs that were left out and carrying them to
the storage room, I realized that he hadn’t invited me for coffee tonight. Lately we’ve made a
habit of stopping by Ishida-san’s ​Mozart​ cafe on our way home, and also cleaning up the room
together… could it be that he’s cooled off? If that’s the case, I’m glad to hear it. As I walked out
the door with my violin case in my hand, I wondered what was going on. If I was the cause of his
problems, I would have to do something about it. But if it wasn’t, then there was no reason for
me to get involved. It’s possible that whatever’s going on is purely musical, or that he’s having
trouble with his family, or something like that. If I ask him, “are you worried about me” and he’s
not, then I’ll just embarrass myself. But what if… what if he is? What would I do if that were the
case? What would I do… what would I do… I thought, and suddenly realized — did we not
make eye contact once tonight? I can’t remember for sure because I try to watch the baton as
much as possible, but usually there are a few moments when I can kind of feel his gaze, but
tonight… well, the last time… no, the whole time? But what does it matter? Of course, it means
he’s avoiding me. Then why is he avoiding me? Maybe he’s letting his emotions get the better of
him… but he said he’s confident in his reason. He’s the one who slept in bed with me, after all…
but what if he’s just biding his time?

‘Wait a minute,’ I asked myself, ‘Do you really want to be the cause of all this? And even if you
are, what could you do? Are you willing to give up your body for him? Offer yourself like money
or goods to a friend in need? Let him have me to get himself back on track? Ha, you've got to be
kidding! But in the end, are you just going to let him be a distant god who can’t touch you? Is
that what you want?’

...I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know! What should I do? I took the stairs up to the sixth floor
and suddenly felt like going straight to the top. I knocked on the door and then unlocked it.
Tounoin was sitting on the floor with his headphones on. ‘What a jerk,’ I thought. I stomped over
and ripped them off of his head, “I told you these were bad for your ears!”

Tounoin looked up at me and said, “Yes,” smiling faintly. “I was just about to go out for a walk.”
He stopped as he rose to his feet and seemed to be going for his coat.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Sorry,” Tounoin said, pointing to his forehead, “I’m a little full. We can talk tomorrow.”

“It’s about Fujimi! Do you think the strings are too unbalanced for the concert?” The reason I
brought that up was to stop Tounoin from taking off, but it was an actual issue in and of itself.
Fujimi had almost a full section of winds and brass, but only half the violins required, and two
violas from the needed fourteen. The cello and bass sections were only one to a part each
instead of 12 and 8, respectively. This was not good for putting on a proper concert. Tounoin
stopped in his tracks, and I started talking to him as if that was the real reason I had come, “So,
as you know, I’ve been talking with Ishida-san about inviting help from the Fujimi Citizen
Philharmonic Orchestra.”

In our town, where there are two orchestras with the same name, one subsidized by the city and
prefecture and the other a club with a decent budget, we distinguish between the two by calling
the one over there the Citizen Philharmonic Orchestra and the other Fujimi Orchestra. When the
later orchestra was formed, they pulled out all the core members of Fujimi Orchestra. Because
of this, Ishida-san — who had been a founding member since long before the whole mess— still
has many acquaintances in the Citizen Philharmonic. And since he has kept a good personal
relationship with everybody by virtue of his friendly personality and his position as coffee-shop
owner, he was able to bring in such help if needed. However, in this world good things don’t just
happen without work.

“Of course, I’d love for us to do it on our own. We were actually short on strings in our last
concert, so we borrowed about ten people, but I got in trouble with some of the members. So I
was hospitalized with a stomach ulcer the night after the concert… but I’m a man of delicate
nerves.
“It’s ridiculous for you to put a hole in your stomach over it,” Tounoin said in a very serious tone,
which made me suddenly feel happy, but I squashed the emotion.

“But the strings are too thin right now, aren’t they?”

“That’s true, but the beauty of Fujimi is the harmony that comes from the family-like relationships
between the members.”

“Then I don’t know what to do…”

“How about guests from outside of the Citizens Philharmonic?”

“Do you have an idea?”

“Somewhat.”

“I have had some trouble with the other Philharmonic.”

“Well then, the M Symphony Orchestra shouldn’t be a problem.”

“M-Kyo?... are you kidding?”

“I can try to recruit some people who might have time.”

Apparently he wasn’t joking. I see, maybe he wants to use their connections from when they
were in the Arts University. But that would be impossible, and I waved my hand in front of my
nose. “We can’t afford to pay them, and the level is too different.”

Tounoin shrugged, “Well, I’ll give it a try. We’d need about three violas, five cellos and two
basses, based on the number of violins we have. I’ll arrange for them to visit next Tuesday.” As
soon as the conversation was over, he left.

“Arrange for them to visit...” But Tounoin… you want to invite people from M-Kyo? I wondered
how that could happen… M-Kyo is the MHK Symphony Orchestra​7​… or is there another
“M-Kyo” like how there are two Fujimis? After the sound of his footsteps disappeared, I realized
that Tounoin had not looked at me the entire time; while we were talking, he had turned his face
away from me but not his gaze… so what does that mean? Is it that he’s troubled by his
emotions, or that he’s just lost interest in me? I was discovering that I was not very good at
reading people’s minds… and I had no right to get involved with Tounoin’s problems. At least he
wasn’t worried about Fujimi, that was for sure. And if it was something about his own music or

7
There is no “MHK Symphony,” but there is an NHK symphony so I believe it’s a play on that. It is the
orchestra of the National Broadcasting Corporation and records music for broadcast as well as public
concerts.
his family, I couldn’t touch that. If he was worried about me… that was even more untouchable. I
can’t respond to his feelings.

When coincidences happen three times in a row, you start to wonder if someone is playing a
trick on you. If the same thing happens four times, you’re inclined to think it’s deliberate. My
suspicions were aroused when I noticed that Tounoin, who had gone out for a walk, came back
tonight just in time to miss me when I returned to my apartment after practicing. And my
suspicions were confirmed the next day, on Sunday morning. Just before I went up to his
apartment for my weekly midday practice, which I usually do on Sundays, I heard a knock at my
door. Then a voice through the door said, “I’m going to Seijo. I’ll be back late tomorrow.”

“Wait a minute!” I shouted and ran to the door, and Tounoin was already going down the stairs,
“I need to talk to you, just five minutes!”

“I’m sorry, but time is of the essence,” he replied without even turning around, “M-Kyo is good to
go. I told them to come to the Civic Center at 7pm on Tuesday.”

“Ah, M-Kyo isn’t MHK…”

“I don’t think there is anything else to discuss?” And with that Tounoin was gone, and my mind
was occupied with how to deal with the guests from such a high-level orchestra that had just
appeared. I had forgotten everything I planned to say to Tounoin.

—-

Then Tuesday came. Ishida-san and I waited outside of the Civic Center for our guests, who
arrived in a van and a passenger car. There were eleven people in total, all dressed in a rough
style; of course I had a silly idea that they would be dressed in formal attire, like they were going
to be on stage… but their greetings were also very rough.

“Hi, are you from Fujimi? How are you doing? I’m Iida, the group leader.” Iida-san, who looked
to be in his thirties, spoke crisply and quickly without giving us time to open our mouths. “And
Morimura-san is…” he looked around at us.

“That’s me. This is Ishida-san, our caretaker and double bassist.”

“A pleasure,” Iida-san quickly grabbed Nico-Chan’s hand, released it, and turned back to me.

“So, I was told by the Sub-Conductor to observe tonight.”

“Oh, really? All right,” I was wondering who the sub-conductor for the M-Kyo was. Did Tounoin
involve somebody like that? “This way, please. We just rehearse in the conference room, so the
acoustics are a mess… as well as our skills. If you don’t think that you want to stay as a guest in
an orchestra like this, feel free to decline.”
I nodded clandestinely to Ishida-san, “You know, I think it would be better if we didn’t introduce
everybody to them today…”

“Haha, you’re right. I’m sure I’ll be nervous.”

“It’s too late for me, I’m already nervous.”

“I’m glad we’re doing ​Danube​ tonight.”

“For sure. I don’t know… is it rude to tell Iida-san that?”

“We don’t mind,” I was shocked when a voice that wasn’t Ishida-san’s answered. It was
Iida-san, and when he laughed he had big front teeth that reminded me of a horse. Rude.

Our personal part practice felt like being in a classroom on the day of school visits. Everyone
was aware of the eleven observers lined up on chairs by the wall, but tried not to show it on their
faces. I almost regretted putting off the introductions, but if I said they were guests from M-Kyo
and they rejected us, it would be very hurtful for everybody. I really felt like Tounoin was wrong.
I’m sure he’s just going to ignore the difference in level between us and the others and worry
about getting the right number of people...

Five minutes before 8pm, Tounoin came through the doorway with the familiar hopping motion
he did to avoid bumping his head and walked quickly to the podium. I called out to Iida-san and
the others, and as soon as everybody heard the sound of the conductor turning his chair earlier
than usual they rushed to their seats. He said to Iida and his colleagues, “Thank you for coming
out tonight,” and then, as usual, he took the baton out of his back pocket and turned to face us.
“Let’s begin. ​Beautiful Blue Danube​, please.”

The waltz that night was in tatters. Tounoin had to say his signature “STOOP” eighteen and a
half times — I say half because he almost said it a nineteenth time, but swallowed it. Tounoin’s
ruthless gaze swept over us each time he had to lower his baton, and we all kept our eyes
downcast, “I’m sure you all know what I want from you. Keep your eyes on my baton. That’s all
there is to it,” his resonant baritone paused, and we waited breathlessly for his next words, “Why
can’t you follow such a simple and clear direction? I’m curious. It seems like all the pumpkins
and eggplants around here are bothering you, but in two months you’ll be playing this in front of
a pile of pumpkins and eggplants.”

One of the visitors suppressed a laugh, but we were far from laughing.

“Anyway, if I have to stop even one more time, I’ll go home.” I felt the atmosphere tighten
immediately, and I threw an emotional look at Tounoin. He responded with an alarming sigh, as
if to say ‘really, you’re not children.’ However, even though the atmosphere had tightened, there
was no way that everyone’s skills would improve immediately… five minutes before our usual
end time, Tounoin tucked his baton into his back pocket. He turned towards the visitors.

“If you’re sure that you want to join us, please step this way,” he said without preamble,
indicating the side of the podium. First, Iida-san stood up and moved next to Tounoin. Then a
well-dressed young man. Five women. When he saw that all of them were standing face to face
with us, he stepped down from the podium. Even though he was on the same level as them, he
was still a head taller than everybody else in the line, and from that height he said
authoritatively, “This is a group of prospective members. Please introduce yourselves.”

Iida-san stepped forward, “My name is Iida, and I play cello a bit.” He bowed deeply.

“I’m Nobuhara, and I also play cello. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Hashizume and I study the viola. I look forward to working with you.”

As they introduced themselves one after another, none of them said they were ‘so-and-so from
M-Kyo,’ and all of them bowed to us, saying ‘Nice to meet you…’ as if they were real new
members. They seemed completely in earnest, like they weren’t faking it.

“Now, let me introduce to you the core members. First, our concertmaster Morimura-san,” I
stood up in a panic when Tounoin nominated me.

“I’m Morimura. I’m also the orchestra chore boy, so please remember my face.”

“Ichiyama-san, principal second violin.”

“Ichiyama, nice to meet you.”

“Utsumi-san, principal viola.”

“Utsumi, principal viola,” She greeted them shyly, bending carefully over her pregnant belly.

“Igarashi-kun, principal cello,” the brash music student stood up and introduced himself, “I’m the
only one, so even if I don’t say anything I’m the first chair. Later we can play rock-paper-scissors
to see who gets this seat,” the old and new cellists grinned at each other. The atmosphere was
very pleasant.

“And Ishida-san, principal bass.”

Nico-Chan stood up, scratching his head, “I’ve only recently returned to active duty, so my
playing isn’t quite as good as my coffee yet. Please go easy on me.” He added, smiling, “But if
you’d like, you can enjoy a cup of our coffee at my shop on your way home.”
“Don’t advertise here, Chairman-san!” Ichiyama said with a laugh.

I finally understood why Tounoin had brought the guests and us together this way. No one
would suspect that these eleven people were anything other than ordinary applicants for
membership, but they were still just ‘Concert Guests.’ If we had done the standard introduction
for subs with the usual “I look forward to working with you” ceremony, the atmosphere would not
have been so friendly. As for the introduction of the orchestra, Tounoin had only introduced the
principals.

“Then from next time, please bring your instruments to participate. We’ll be working on ​Danube
all week. Do you have any questions? Okay, that’s it.” He treated the members of the M-Kyo as
if they were amateurs, and then quickly left the room. He didn’t even look my way to ask me out
for coffee. Now I knew he was avoiding me, but tonight I had a job to do: entertaining customers
at​ Mozart.​ I found Iida-san’s face among the other M-Kyo-san who were asking about the
rehearsal schedule from the section leaders, as newcomers do. I approached him.

“Do you guys have a minute?”

“Ishida-san’s coffee, right? Yeah, we will.” While the group leader was gathering his members
together, Igarashi poked me on the arm.

“Can I come too?”

“Do you have money for coffee?” Igarashi theatrically searched his pockets.

“Yeah, I have some.”

“Then you can come when you’re done cleaning up here,” I laughed, “No, no, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.”
We laughed at each other, and then I went to the door to help guide the visitors.

Iida-san, who was already at the door, smiled at me and said, “You guys are all really friendly.”

I chuckled, “That’s the only thing that matters.”

“No, I know. It’s as expected from what the sub-conductor said.”

“About that… I’m embarrassed to be so naive, but who is your sub-conductor?” I asked because
I felt like this sub-conductor was doing us a favor, and I thought it would be necessary to go and
say hello.

“It’s Tounoin-kun, you know?”

“What?”
“Oh, you didn’t know?” I didn’t know anything about it… at all.

—-

“Wow, this is… really tasty,” Iida-san said as he took another sip of Ishida-san’s special coffee.
“Well, I don’t think Tounoin-kun was particularly hiding anything. He was brought on in February,
right after he came back from Vienna. His official status is just orchestra assistant, but he’s been
rehearsing with us occasionally.”

“I see… a sub-conductor with the M-Kyo…” I said without any artfulness.

Iida-san murmured, “You guys are lucky.”

Yes, I think so. I can’t believe a person like him came to my amateur orchestra… when I fell
silent, the women started to chat with Iida-san, and that was the end of our conversation. They
had a nice time amongst themselves, and then I walked them out of the store, coming back to
get another cup of coffee at the counter, “Did you know about that, Ishida-san?”

“Know what?” Nico-chan asked as he poured hot water into the siphon.

“I just found out that Tounoin-san is the sub-conductor for M-Kyo.”

“Is that so? No, this is the first I’ve heard of it.”

“Yep.”

“Hmm…” Nico-chan lit one of the alcohol lamps and smiled at me, “Morimura-chan, I’m
shocked.”

“Huh?”

“Isn’t it interesting that Tounoin-kun didn’t mention it to you at all?”

“...don’t you think he should have told you?”

“Well, he might not have said anything to either of us for the same reason… maybe he didn’t
want to mention it because he would look prideful.”

“That’s… well…” Come to think about it, Tounoin never talks about himself. I just happened to
find out he was the son of the president of a large local bank, and other than that… I know
nothing about Tounoin. “I wanted to ask you, how did he come to Fujimi?” I said to Ishida-san as
he finished pouring me another cup of coffee.
“It wasn’t particularly interesting,” he said. “Here you are.” He placed the cup in front of me. “I
mean, it was just a coincidence. He was a customer that came in for a cup of coffee, and he
saw that sign on the wall,” Nico-chan pointed with his thumb to a coffee-colored handwritten
poster on the wall behind the counter. It said:

Looking for new members, amateurs welcome too.

Please ask shop owner for details.
Fujimi Citizen Symphony Orchestra.

“He looked at it and asked if there were two orchestras here. When I told him that there are two
orchestras by the same name, he stared at the poster with a sullen face for a while, asking
where the rehearsal space was. I told him something about it being on Saturday, and that we
rehearse at the Civic Center, and
he said he’d go.

So then in less than an hour, he

comes back and says ‘I want to
play in the orchestra.’ I asked him
a lot of questions, and found out
he had an amazing background.
Suzuki-san had just quit, so I told
him that we had an opening but
the salary would be a pittance, and
he said that was fine. So I asked
him to do it. After all, he’s so
young, right? I wouldn’t have
imagined he’d be a sub-conductor
for M-Kyo.”

That’s true. It was a foolish

assumption to think that someone
as talented as him would be
satisfied with a permanent position
at Fujimi. If I had thought about
how much he was studying every
day, I would have guessed that he
had at least one other job outside
of Fujimi.

That night I didn’t go to practice at

Tounoin’s place. Somehow I didn’t
want to see his face… for a
moment I thought that Tounoin
had come down from the heights of “genius” — a word synonymous to “alien” in my mind — to
become a human being who makes mistakes, worries, and suffers. But he was on a different
level than me, and just like Ishida-san, I was shocked. The man I thought of as a friend was
taking steady steps in a professional world that was out of my reach… and he was making the
professionals around me take a second look. It’s not that I’m jealous of him; I already know he’s
a genius and I respect him so much that I can’t think of bringing him down to my level, even
though he’s younger than me. It’s just that the distance between us as musicians is so great that
it makes me aware of how far apart we are, and I’m filled with sadness and disappointment. If I
had been able to become a professional… maybe I would have been a little closer to him than I
am now, even though… but isn’t this like counting the birthdays of a dead child? If only I had
more talent…

I didn’t go to his apartment on Wednesday either. It was a rainy night, but I went out to the
baseball field and practiced the Mendelssohn under the concrete roof of the dugout. But my
heart wasn’t in it, so I quit after two hours and went home. Next week we’ll probably be back on
this piece, which means I’ll have to play it in front of the M-Kyo people… oh, I want to get out of
being the soloist. I’m not the right person for it.

On Thursday, the M-Kyo musicians arrived right in time. Just listening to them tune, it was
obvious that their skills were different and I felt depressed. I was embarrassed that I was still
feeling competitive with them, even though I was convinced they were as good as I thought they
were. I was embarrassed at my pride, even though I had nothing to back it up. On top of that, I
had to perform a solo in front of those people on Tuesday. ‘I just can’t stand the fact that I’ll
have to expose myself to unwanted embarrassment…’

I guess Tounoin’s method worked after all, as the members of the group seemed to know who
the helpers were, so the usual friendly atmosphere was maintained and the M-Kyo people were
mixing in well. Contrary to what Tounoin had told me, one M-Kyo person was added to each
violin section, but it didn’t affect the overall sound in any way except to improve it. ‘It’s a good
thing they’re here, a good thing…’

Before long Tounoin arrived and we started rehearsing together. I was surprised at how much
the sound changed when the parts were balanced. But as we went through the ​Danube​ a few
times, I began to feel sad. It sounded like we were getting better, but it was because the better
players had joined, not because Fujimi itself had improved… I couldn’t stop thinking, ‘This isn’t
Fujimi’s sound.’

“STOOP!” I huffed and raised my eyes, but Tounoin turned from staring at me coldly to looking
at the others, “Let’s take it from the top again.” I put my bow on the string with a sigh. This waltz
masterpiece, which was finally starting to take on its true glamour, was no fun at all.

That night I went to the baseball field to practice again. I didn’t want to go to Tounoin’s place,
even though it was drizzling and a typhoon was approaching… but I felt like the more I played,
the worse I got, so I quit after an hour. I don’t think I’m an arrogant person, but when it comes to
music it’s different. I once thought it would be my life’s work, and given that I’ve put in no small
amount of effort, I have a certain amount of pride. And pride is a powerful thing when it’s up in
the air, but once it falls down it goes straight to the bottom of the dark pit called inferiority. Of
course, I tried to not think that everything revolves around me; the concert was Fujimi’s concert,
and the M-Kyo members were just there to give it a boost. Even today, they didn’t laugh or
make fun of our ​Danube​ — which to their ears must have sounded like an arts and crafts fair —
and they had gone along seriously with rehearsal. Even for the Mendelssohn concerto, I should
just do my best… but I…

But I didn’t want to ‘do my best.’ I… wanted people to say, “As expected of Morimura-san.”
Regardless of the fact that I couldn’t even become a professional musician, I wanted to give a
performance that would dazzle not just the Fujimi people, but the M-Kyo people as well. Haha,
silly me...all I have is my ego… As I climbed the stairs to my apartment, I wished that I could talk
to Tounoin. Maybe he would listen to me, understand me, give me some advice in his own
way… no.
No… I’m expecting him to tell me that I have nothing to worry about, because, ‘You’re the
violinist I’m in love with,’ or something to comfort me… ‘Get a grip, Yuuki! You know that you
can only acquire skills through your own suffering. After all, he’s only flattering me because he
has a thing for me, because there’s no way that the sub-conductor of M-Kyo really thinks I’m
such a great violinist. I’m a fraud. He knows Fujimi is an amateur orchestra, and that’s the
reason I was given such a big role as concertmaster or soloist… I know. I know, I know.’

But despite that, I still wanted to give the best performance I could on stage… when I got back
to my apartment I took out my violin. If I played pianissimo, surely it wouldn’t disturb the rest of
the building. I have to do something with this concerto, somehow, somehow… Yes, I’ll do
something!

The phone rang, and I was sucked out of the world of violin music. It was the first time I had
ever had a woman shout at me and then hang up…. I guess I forgot to play pianissimo. I looked
at my watch and it was 2am. I put the phone down, apologizing to the dial tone. My shoulders
and neck were sore and tired. Gah, but I’m too hyped up to sleep, right? I set the phone off the
hook so it wouldn’t ring, but it was clear that practicing here would be impossible either way. I
guess I have no choice but to go to Tounoin’s… he’s the one who told me to use it for
practicing, anyway. ‘Conductor’s orders,’ even… no, there was the issue of the headphones.
He’s not going out tonight, is he? But my fingers were tingling; the desire to play violin was
making me restless, like the irritation of being constipated. It was something I had made a habit
of consciously.

My first encounter with the violin was in my third year of elementary school, when I first saw and
heard an orchestra in the school gym and fell in love with it. I had been a quiet child since birth,
under the thumb of three strong-willed sisters, but when I got an idea in my head I had a
tendency to pursue it as hard as I could. So after a month of pestering, I secretly went to my
father for help. My father… oh, I still remember...He was in the barn working on his tractor,
scraping off caked mud with a rubber toe. He looked at me quizzically when I told him, ‘I want to
try the violin!’

‘If you think I’m going to let you, you can forget it.’

“But I want to do it, I want the violin!” My insistence was proof of how obsessed I was; I had
never asked for anything outright before.

‘I see… well, you'll have to practice your instrument every day, you know.’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ll be sorry if you drop it while you’re practicing.’

‘Yes!’

‘Okay, I’ll get you one.’

‘Yes!’

The old man had grinned in a somewhat prickly way and patted me on the head with his old
military hands, ‘So Yuuki is a musician… haha.’

As the youngest child, my acquisition of a violin overshadowed my older sisters’ desire for a
piano, which was the dream of every girl at the time. They said since Yuuki was the only son, he
could afford to be selfish. So in return I had to keep my promise to my father: I had to practice
every day, get better, and become a musician. However, it was probably my sisters’ nasty looks
that supported me through the first six months of painful self-study with a badly-written
instruction book, and the difficult year when my mother found me a violin teacher who instructed
me. Anyway, I got into the habit of practicing two hours a day, and as I came to understand the
fun of playing, I became that kid who was ‘playing violin all the time,’ a student who only wanted
to play the violin, and a part-time teacher who was only happy when I was playing.

And now, like an addict who has run out of pills, I want to play the violin, I want to play… I know
that tomorrow I’ll be able to practice a little in the school music room, and I’ll have Fujimi’s
rehearsal in the evening. And I’ll be able to play at the baseball field when the typhoon
subsides, but right now I just want to play. I decided to check, just in case… I’ll peek in the
apartment and see if Tounoin was there.

I grabbed my violin, music, and stand and went up to the seventh floor in the downpour that was
blowing through the corridor. I opened Tounoin’s door with my duplicate key — oh no, it was
pitch black. I wondered if he was home? But after I took off my shoes and turned on the light, I
saw he was there. He was in front of the console, headphones on… I blew an irritated sigh out
of my nose, doubly disappointed. I wouldn’t be practicing tonight, and how could he keep
ignoring my advice? I went over to the console and pulled out the headphone jack, turned my
back to the overflowing ​Resurrection​ by Mahler, and went out the door. Damn it.

Saturday. It’s still raining. I left for school at 7:30am and barricaded myself in the music room;
it’s soundproofed, but not completely, and there are no classes today. I was concentrating on
my sound, trying to get out all the bothersome feelings I had for the past couple of days, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Oh, vice principal, what’s up?”

“We’ve had a complaint…”

“Sorry…”

“You’re not preparing for a class, are you? If you could, please refrain from playing during class
time.”

“Yes, very sorry.” The school bell rang above my lowered head. I looked at my watch and saw
that it was the end of second period. There would be a 20-minute break and then it would be
third period, which was cleaning. In other words, I couldn’t use this place until 12:30pm, and
then club rehearsal started at 1:30pm, and right after that was over the vice principal would
come around to lock the door… so I’d only have an hour to practice during lunch time… I can’t
believe that I’m going to be a soloist under such circumstances.

I couldn’t do my own practice at Fujimi, I was uncomfortable with the​ Blue Danube​ despite the
improvements made thanks to the M-Kyo members, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had
to play my solo in front of them on Tuesday. All I could do is keep telling myself that I would play
as well as I usually do. I was cleaning up after the rehearsal that was neither fun nor joyful when
Iida-san from M-Kyo called out to me.

“Morimura-san, is Tounoin-kun always like that when he’s conducting here?”

“Y-yes,” I replied, somewhat taken aback.

“I see… hmm. Thanks.” He shook his head and left. As I watched him walk away, I examined
my answer… did Tounoin look different than usual? No… I don’t think so… I realized I couldn’t
really say for sure. There was something that was different, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was; I
was so full of my own worries and frustrations that although I was watching the conductor, I
wasn’t really paying attention beyond that. Yet to Iida-san, who was familiar with his conducting
from M-Kyo, Tounoin appeared strange. Or… does he mean that his conducting style is
different here than with the M-Kyo? That may be the case. Of course, there is obviously a
difference between leading an amateur group and a professional ensemble. Fujimi must be a bit
of a joke to Tounoin.

“Would you like to join me for coffee?” The voice behind me was Kawashima-san. I had fallen in
love with her, proposed to her even, but I was rejected. She had fallen in love with Tounoin and
was rejected as well. Now she’s left watching this abnormal love war from the sidelines between
the man she dumped and the man who dumped her. “I have something I want to talk to you
about. Come with me,” she said, staring into my eyes in a way that would have made the old me
feel on top of the world. But I could see ‘Tounoin’ written all over her face.

“Yeah,” I answered. Actually I was too preoccupied with my solo to worry about Tounoin, but I
knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer. As soon as we left the rehearsal room
Kawashima-san started to talk.

“I was going to stay out of it, whatever is going on with you two. Love is a matter between two
people after all, and yours is definitely not normal, so I didn’t think I should get myself involved.
But I can’t take it anymore, I’ve lost my patience.”

Rather than talking, Kawashima-san suddenly grabbed me by the arm that was holding the
umbrella and turned me towards her, “Why on earth has Tounoin turned into a stick-waving
puppet? You told Haruyama-chan that you would talk to him, but what did you say!?”

It wasn’t the way she asked me that made me recoil, “A stick-waving puppet…?” The moment I
mumbled that, Kawashima-san’s eyes lit up.

“I can’t believe you, haven’t you noticed?”

“Oh…. I mean…”

“Seriously? I’m done with you!” I thought she was going to punch me in the face, but she didn’t
raise her hand. Instead she walked away, leaving me behind.

“W-wait a minute!”

“I can’t wait, I’m so angry that I can hardly speak.”

“Wait, Kawashima-san!” I grabbed her arm, and she shook it off as hard as she could. “Talk to
me!”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” I was about to respond when I was hit in the side by her flute
case whistling by. I took the full brunt of it and felt my eyes start to burn. The next thing I knew, I
was slumped on the sidewalk. Her flowery skirt knelt down in front of me. “I’m sorry,”
Kawashima-san spat out, “It was an unconscious reaction.”
I fixed my glasses that had slipped off and made sure my violin case was safe. “Tell me… about
it.” My jaw was numb from the whack.

“What is going on with Tounoin?” She inhaled sharply. “He’s acting like a robot, a shell of
himself. I really thought he was going deaf.”

“He told me his ears are fine, and his conducting… it doesn’t seem to have changed at all to
me,” I admitted.

“Maybe it seems like that to you,” she said bitterly. “He only looks at you. No...the only thing he
can see is you!” The glare of headlights through the curtain of rain disappeared with the sound
of an engine as it passed by. “I guess there are artists who fall in love and lose their touch. Kei
Tounoin has become little more than a stick-waving robot, and it’s because of you.” I stared at
the cigarette butts smeared on the pavement.

“... so what do you want me to do?” I said in an expressionless voice. I stood up and grabbed
my umbrella. I glared back at Kawashima-san, the most beautiful woman in the world, and she
stared back stubbornly. “Are you telling me to accept him as my lover? Just let him do whatever
he wants to me...to fuck me? You’re saying that I should do whatever it takes just because he’s
a genius conductor? I have my own pride and preferences, you know!”

“Then make a clean break!” Her words hit me like an uppercut followed by a body blow, and to
the stomach at that. But I wouldn’t be knocked out.

“I told him I’m not gay! I made it very clear!” But that was just an excuse, and both
Kawashima-san and I knew it.

“So? But then you’re still trying to be friends with him. Ha, it’s been a long time since I heard
something so selfish.”

I looked at the ground, “...Tounoin said it was okay. He accepted it, and we’ve just been friends
since then.”

Kawashima-san sighed, “But don’t you see, both of you are on different pages. I don’t
understand… you don’t love him enough to be with him, but he loves you so much that he can’t
stand to not be with you!”

“But I’m not gay!”

“I don’t care.” We looked straight at each other, getting absolutely nowhere with the
conversation. Neither one of us would back down, but neither of us had the upper hand.
“Anyway, if it stays like this, Tounoin will be destroyed.”
“I don’t want you to blame me for that.” After such a chilly exchange we parted ways… I wasn’t
lying when I said I couldn’t be gay, but Kawashima-san rightly pointed out that I’d been taking
advantage of his feelings… that accusation was fair. Yes, I was running away from a problem
that I had been avoiding. As a concertmaster and… also as probably the person who was
closest to him, I should have taken this matter more seriously. I should never have let Tounoin
get to this point because of me (or so Kawashima-san said). But I’m so concerned about my
solo that my stomach already hurts… I can’t stand it… but regardless I have to do something
about it, and soon, so I can focus on my solo work.

I went up to the seventh floor without even stopping by my apartment, and opened the door with
my duplicate key. Tounoin was listening to ​Barber of Seville​, but he switched it off when he
noticed me come in. With his usual poker face he said, “I’ve been waiting to ask you, what do
you think of the M-Kyo guys?” I had no choice but to put my own conversation on the back
burner.

“It bothers me, because they’re giving the illusion that Fujimi is getting better.”

“What would be the point of asking guests to come in if they were going to drag us down?” He
replied, standing up. “Since I’m the one who introduced you, I wanted to ask. But now I can go
for my walk in peace.” So he was just waiting to talk to me for this, but…

“Well, I have something to ask you, too.”

“I’m sorry, but we’ll talk more tomorrow,” Tounoin said, quickly walking to the door and putting
on his shoes.

I took a chance and said, “I want to talk to you tonight. Or are you saying you don’t want to talk
to me?”

His reply was a cryptic, “No, not at all,” and with that he slipped out.

“Wait! Don’t leave!” I yelled and chased after him. I threw my sneakers on and ran in front of him
as he was descending the stairs. The difference in the steps made his face even higher than
usual; I looked up at him, “Don’t run away, Tounoin. I need to talk to you.”

“...okay.” He replied dejectedly, and followed me back to his apartment. I didn’t realize it at the
time, but it was a role-reversal of what had happened between us before. When I entered the
room, Tounoin sat down and I sat in front of him. I was about to open my mouth when I realized
I hadn’t thought of what I was going to say. But if I didn’t start, then there wouldn’t be anything to
talk about. I stalled by saying, “Ah… so…” and waited for something to come into my head.
“You’re leaving because of me, right? You’re making up this stuff about going on walks or to
Seijo, aren’t you?”
“No.” Tounoin’s answer sounded like a ‘yes’ to me, because it was too definite.

But I was determined. “Why? I didn’t ask you to go to the trouble of leaving the apartment.”

“No, it’s not like that.” Again, his denial was too firm, he replied too fast. Tounoin had prepared
his answers… each question I asked had a snappy response. When I practice, he had no
choice but to use the headphones, which I prohibited because it was bad for his ears, so the
only thing he could do was go for a walk.

“That’s not good. This is your apartment,” I finally said.

“Am I not allowed to go to concerts or to my parents’ house? And I always go for walks at night.”
Said Tounoin, glancing at me, just a little. He had a nervous expression.

“You always go for walks? Since when? You never did that before.” Tounoin was always in the
room when I was practicing. He was digging a grave with his sloppy answers.

“I used to do it before, you know. But in the summer the bugs are too loud…” he lied hastily, an
obvious cover.

“So I’m the cause, after all…” I murmured, just loud enough for Tounoin to hear.

“That’s not true.” Tounoin took the bait like a fish in a pond.

“So what’s the reason?” I inhaled sharply, let go and attacked him straightaway, “We only have
two months until our first concert in two years, and you're distracted in rehearsal and running
away right after. I want the real reason.”

“It’s a personal issue. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

That caused my anger to flare, and I jumped up, “Doesn’t have anything to do with me? You’re
the one who created this relationship between us!” I turned red after I said it, but I couldn’t back
down now, “If you really are saying it has nothing to do with me, then there’s no reason for you
to stay with Fujimi! If all you’re going to do is wave a baton around, we can get the electric clown
from the optician’s store in front of the train station to do that!”

The look on Tounoin’s face at that moment was priceless. Of course, I was well aware that I was
reprising the line he had said to me, so it was a slap to the face. But really, I was just trying to
scare him off. Kawashima-san was right, though, and Tounoin knew it as well. His handsome
face crumpled and he shoved it into his hands.
“I understand, I’ll end this!” He cried in a voice that was barely recognizable as Tounoin’s. “The
only sound I hear is yours! I can’t hear anybody else! Only your violin! What kind of conductor
am I? I… I can’t control myself!”

What I felt at that moment was relief, and something that warmed my heart. I didn’t realize he
was such a cute person… “What the hell? That’s what this is about?”

“That’s right,” he answered, still keeping his face buried in his hands, the long powerful fingers
covering his face, “That’s what it is.” This man, with his glossy hair, broad shoulders, and
confident and pushy attitude… he was going through all this because of me…“I’m… done. I’ll
leave here today.”

“Why?” I said gently, with an earnestness that wasn’t feigned.

“Because, like I said…” his voice was small and trembling, “I was so confident in my self-control,
but.. now it’s gone.” So he doesn’t think he can keep the vow he made to me… “I don’t think this
is going to work.”

He read my thoughts. I looked into my heart, and prepared myself; I was raped, that’s true, but
that was in the past. And if I’m the only one who can save Tounoin now… it’s just sex, right?
Ahh… maybe I was intoxicated with the superiority I felt from being chased. Or maybe it was
masochistic narcissism, sacrificing myself for the sake of others. Tounoin’s hand, which I felt for
the first time, was solid and bony.

“No, no, I’m going to tear you apart. Please leave, right now!” But there was no way I could
leave, even though he had said that in such a strained voice. I was the only one who could save
him.

“I’m being stubborn… it’s okay now.” I put my arm around Tounoin’s rounded shoulders, but he
didn’t look up.

“I don’t want to torment you any longer,” he said, his voice an andante that froze every couple of
bars. Then his shoulders began to shake; Kei Tounoin was crying. He was crying with his voice,
his breath, his whole body… and I found him irresistibly cute in that moment. The five-sided nail
with ​don’t be fooled​ inscribed on it that had been hammered into the center of my heart, rusted
to pieces in an instant.

“Not at all… It’s not like you to cry.”

In an instant I was embraced violently, and without a moment’s pause my lips were being
aggressively sucked. “H-Hey!”

I tried to get control of my mouth to tell him to wait, but he gasped, “Morimura-san,
Morimura-san!”
Sometimes a man, even if he’s a good swimmer, can succumb to the fate of drowning. Tounoin
clung to me with the desperation of a drowning man and ripped off my shirt with such force that
some of the buttons flew off. At that moment, the memory of pain and suffering suddenly flashed
back to me and I felt my body recoil in horror.

“No, stop! I didn’t mean —! I’m not...I’m not…!”

His lips came at me again, and my tongue was sucked so hard that I felt like he was going to
pull it out. I didn’t have the strength to push him away, so I clawed at his shoulder. “I’m sorry…
I’m sorry,” Tounoin mumbled in a voice that sounded like he was crying as he reached for my
pants.

“No, no! I can’t do this, I can’t do this anymore.” At that moment my body suddenly went limp,
probably my nerves panicking from fear. But… what stopped Tounoin from ripping off my
clothes?

The next moment, I was being hugged by Tounoin while half-naked, listening to him sob as he
leaned over me. “I… I was confident… I was confident that I could wait… until you changed
your… I was confident that I could wait until you accepted me without fear. But, but, you
know...I...I...I love you, that’s not a lie, but...I...I…!” Tounoin pushed his face against my chest
and sobbed, which seemed both childish and not at the same time. He was fighting the urge to
break the taboo he had imposed on himself, was angry and despairing, yet he was still trying to
hold his ground… yes, Tounoin was fighting. I didn’t know what he was going to do.

And I, oh, what am I going to do! ‘Of course you should run away!’ My reason said. ‘It’s not too
late, run away!’ But… my emotions lingered. Should I drop Tounoin, say ‘I’m not gay,’ and run
away? Is it really okay to do that?

“I-it hurt, a lot. Last time… so…” It took every ounce of courage I had to brush my lips against
his, but it was a message that could only be delivered through my lips.

“Mo...Morimura-san!” Like a starving wild animal falling on prey, Tounoin devoured my skin in a
storm of caresses and kisses.

And in no time at all I succumbed to the unforgivable pleasure. I moaned self-consciously,

“No…” but the murmur was melting and sweet.

“I’ll be gentle, I’ll be gentle,” he whispered urgently, rubbing me.

“Haa~” I clung to his thick shoulders, not so much because he put his fingers inside me, but
because I was afraid of the pain that would follow. But the pain I’d been dreading became part
of the stimulation, and the tingling the fingers elicited inside me was so intense that I had to
restrain my hips from thrusting greedily. ‘It’s only sex,’ I told myself desperately… there was no
way I could forgive myself for feeling so aroused without such an excuse… I knew it was a lie,
but I had to soothe my pride because I was drowning in the pleasure…

“N-n...no…ahh...nnn…” The physical pleasure I had experienced in one night — in the form of
being raped — had imprinted on my body so deeply that I couldn’t forget it. Even though I hated
it so much, I couldn’t stop myself once I was exposed like this! I felt as if my whole body was on
fire with shame as he was caressing my ass with his fingers deeply inserted.

“Are you sure you want this?” Tounoin whispered between violent gasps.

“D-don’t ask me.” Please don’t make me say it… I know it’s only sex, but for me to ask for it, to
put it in me, is so embarrassing! Tounoin’s fingers left my body, ready to replace them with
something thicker and hotter. I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath. My lips pressed
tightly together as if to say ‘hurry up’ and I braced myself as a gesture for him not to hold back.
It’s only sex, but it was impossible for me to stop fixating on the fact that it was with a man…
even though my body was ablaze with pleasure and anticipation, there was still a part of me that
wanted to repair my pride.

I heard Tounoin laugh, “I commend your sacrificial spirit.” I opened my eyes in astonishment. He
was laughing, but his eyes were cold. “My pride is too stubborn to accept everything set in front
of me like this.”

“...huh…?”

“I feel like Kawashima-san has something to do with this. Please tell her that is very unpleasant,
and not to misjudge me.”

As I looked up at him I felt my heart freeze in his cold gaze, “What are you talking about? Do
you really think that I’m that… that weak of a man, that I would do something like this just
because somebody told me to?”

His answer was a cruel sneer, “So then did you realize the size of the fish you almost let
escape? Did you change your mind
when you found out I was the son of a
wealthy family, and the sub-conductor
of the M Symphony Orchestra?”

I was stunned to hear something like

that come out of his mouth. For a
moment my mind went blank, and
before my brain could issue a
command I had flung my hand at
Tounoin’s cheek and hit him as hard as
I could. I jumped up, grabbed my
clothes and my violin case, and tried to leave the apartment. I turned the knob, twisted and
pushed, but the door wouldn’t open.

“Hey, wait, wait!”

'Damn it, what’s with this door!' Frustrated that it refused to open, I started beating my fists
against it.

“Stop it!”

I continued to beat my numb fist against the door that was stubbornly in the way. ‘Damn it, open
up!’

“Your hands… stop it, Yuuki!” Tounoin rushed to me and wrapped his arms around my chest,
pulling me back.

“Ugh, SHIT~!” I screamed until I felt my throat was raw. “God damn it! You’re such an idiot!
Thinking I’m… I’m that kind of person! Damn it, DAMN IT!” I was so blinded by anger and
vexation that I lashed out at him. As soon as he released my arms I pulled away from him and
turned, sparks flying out of my eyes. “Y-you…” I slumped down, clutching the side of my left eye
that I had smashed against the wall. “Damn..it... it hurts…”

“What…!” He started in a scolding tone, and he forcefully grabbed my right hand, “What the
hell… do you think you’re doing? You’re not just the concertmaster, you’re the soloist!”

I snatched my right hand back and licked the wound, which was oozing blood. It hurt…

“I’ll patch you up, come here,” Tounoin ordered.

“No,” I replied.

“Come here!”

“No!” I glared back at him with all the bitterness I could muster. “I’m done with you. I don’t want
to see your face! I’m not even going to look at you!”

Tounoin pursed his lips, then retorted, “What about Fujimi?” What about the Mendelssohn? The
Mendelssohn concerto!”

“Ask M-Kyo for a soloist! You can do whatever you want with Fujimi and the concert! You can
invite thirty more people to make it a full orchestra, that way you can cover up all its holes! Then
we’ll have a sound that’s more or less suitable for the M-Kyo sub-conductor to direct! I’m- I’m
fine with that, just do whatever you want!”

As I was ranting and raving, he said, “You…!” And I felt a hot shock across my face. “Is that
what you think about me and them? How pathetic…!” My numb cheek began to tingle, and tears
began to slowly form.

“No… it’s just...it’s not that! But… it’s just too much! They make such a great sound that we
couldn’t possibly make ourselves… I think we owe them a lot! I do, but…”

“...You don’t have to cry.”

“It’s because you hit me!”

“You hit me, too…” but the moment he started to say that, he remembered, “...ah… I thought…”

“I’m done with you. Three, two, one — “

“Wait, please wait!” I was about to say ‘zero’ but Tounoin stopped me with a gulp, grabbing my
face with his hands, “Please wait. Let’s talk.”

I have nothing to say. I shook my head, thinking ‘Let go of me! I can’t breathe!’ At the same
time, I realized that I was half naked and trapped against the wall. All the madness I had of
thinking it was okay to be physical with him had vanished, replaced by the current danger of
suffocation. I grabbed the hand that was blocking my nose and mouth. “Ugh!” The wounds on
the back of my right hand tingled.

“Let’s discuss this, Morimura-san!” Tounoin put more force behind his hand… I struggled and
scratched but he wouldn’t let go. Fuck, his stupid strength...‘Are you trying to kill me…!’ I felt a
sudden rush of heat at the back of my ears, and my heartbeat quickened from presto to
prestissimo… I felt my body begin to tremble and my head started to darken, when finally his
hands got out of the way.

“Aah! Hah...hah...hah!” I gasped for breath.

“I’m-I’m sorry,” he said while I continued choking, “I’m sorry, are you alright?”

“D-dead…” I tried to say. Inside my dead heart there was a gleam of laughter…

“Morimura…?” As soon as I heard Tounoin whisper of grief, like Romeo meeting his dead Juliet,
I exploded. I rolled over and laughed. I didn’t know what was so funny about it, but I was
laughing and laughing all the same. Yeah… it’s hilarious. Like a man falling in love with another
man and almost losing his natural talent over it, or a guy offering up his ass to save that man’s
life, only to be misunderstood as a man in love with a woman. And then getting so mad as to
beat up a locked door and crushing his precious right hand. It was so ridiculous that I started to
cry. “I… I don’t… want to do this anymore.” I said between bursts of uncontrollable laughter. “I...I
don’t care about you.”

“But you came here because you were worried about me, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know, I’ve completely forgotten. I don’t care if you worry or suffer. I hope you collapse on
your own.” As soon as I said that, the laughter disappeared. In its place I felt a surge of rage
from the pit of my stomach, “I already told you I hate homosexuals! Why are geniuses so special
that I have to give up my body? Why do I have to go to such lengths for you? What about my
rights?”

“Is that your answer…?” Tounoin murmured, with a tone that sounded like a man sentenced to
death. Then he smiled slightly, “I guess this is the punishment I deserve, for not believing the
greatest fortune of my life because it came out of nowhere.” Then he rubbed his nose with a
gesture that was very childish, even for a 22-year old, “I give up. I swear I will never appear
before you again. I will also quit Fujimi.”

At that moment my hand shot up and landed a powerful slap on his cheek, “You idiot!” If it could
have been fixed like that, I would have quit Fujimi a long time ago! My thoughts were boiling too
much for me to form words, so I gritted my teeth in frustration and glared at Tounoin, “The
concert will be conducted by you. I’m not letting you get away now!” I don’t care if you drown in
love or M-Kyo takes over Fujimi, I’m going to make our concert a success. And the concerto too,
of course!

Sunday.

In the dugout, where an autumn rain front had left the baseball team stranded at home, I spent
the morning and all afternoon playing the violin. The back of my right hand, where I punched the
door, was swollen black and blue all the way up to my fingers. I couldn’t hold the bow properly
without having it bandaged up, so I couldn’t even feel it, but the only way to improve was to
keep playing. The first movement...then the second movement...the third movement… the first…
the second… the third… As I continued to go through it endlessly, I prayed to a God — whether
he existed or not — ‘Please, please do something about these ugly, ugly damned hands.’ If I
could just make the sound that I hear in my head, I would be as good as the players from
M-Kyo. ‘Please give me talent…!’

But no matter how hard I practiced, my wish didn’t come true. I know… I couldn’t even play with
a decent hand, and now I’m hurt like this… Damn it, I’m such an idiot! After practicing until I
couldn’t lift my arm anymore, I went to bed that night with poultices all over my arms, shoulders
and back. I tried to put it on my right hand as well, where the swelling hadn’t gone down, but
when I tried it soaked into the wound and hurt like hell. Oh...Tomorrow was already Monday… I
felt like skipping work, but I had to teach six classes on Monday, and there’s only one more club
meeting left. There was also a school festival every month…

During the regular morning staff meeting, the phone rang at the head teacher’s desk.
“Morimura-sensei,” he held up the phone and I sat up. I felt my hand twinge.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” I answered.

“Ah...how is your hand feeling?” The voice on the other end said.

“I can’t take private calls,” was all I said, and I hung up the receiver. Just as I was about to go
back to my seat, the phone rang again.

“Yes, he’s here. Morimura-sensei,” I heard the head teacher’s voice again without turning
around.

“Is that the same man?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Please hang up.”

“Huh?”

“Hang up!” The whole staff room looked at me. I quickly returned to my seat, ignoring their
looks. I clutched my knee cap underneath my desk. My right hand was tingling, which I had just
re-wrapped in the infirmary. I taught a class and led the club activities while the female students
talked about how scary Sensei was today. I was disappointed to find that the doctor’s office,
where I was going to stop by to have my hand looked at, was already closed. I went to a ramen
restaurant for dinner and returned to my apartment. When I got there, Tounoin was leaning
against the door with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Let’s talk about it, Morimura-san,” I ignored him and took out my key. “You have something to
say to me, don’t you?”

“Step aside, please.”

“I have something to say.”

“I don’t have anything to say, and I don’t have time for this. Get out of my way!” Tounoin moved
aside dejectedly. I opened the door, entered, and closed it behind me.

“Morimura-san…” I heard him murmur through the door.

I crushed the sympathetic feeling in my chest. The day before yesterday I had said ‘Ha! I’ll never
feel sorry for him again!’ I don’t have time for that, after all. I have to do something about that
solo… damn it, how long are my hands going to stay swollen?

—-

On my way home from school on Tuesday, I taped up my right hand — which was still quite
swollen — with an elastic bandage I bought on the way home from school, and went to the civic
center. I was still in the mood and phase of practicing by myself, but I had to fight against that.
My spirit was on fire, and I couldn’t escape the situation anyway. During the personal practice
part of rehearsal I sat in the corner, playing my solo part against the wall. Eventually Tounoin
arrived, everybody rearranged their chairs, and I took off my glasses and put them in my pocket.
I didn’t want to see Tounoin’s face.

“Let’s begin. The first movement of the concerto,” Tounoin, who was a blurred collection of
shadows to me, held up his baton and then lowered it. “Morimura-san, will you be okay with that
hand?”

“Yes.” I answered mechanically and took my position. My eyes were on Tounoin, but all my
attention was on the sound. Now, let me show the results of my practice. Nobody will take my
place as Fujimi’s soloist, I’ll be the one to lead us through the Mendelssohn. However I was only
able to play for a couple pages of the piece in that state of mindlessness. Even though he was
blurry, the sight of Tounoin pissed me off. But if I looked away it would be bad, and on top of
that the orchestra I was playing with made a lot of mistakes, which I could tell was from the
Fujimi people. I wanted to yell at them to get a grip, and I was getting frustrated.

‘Concentrate, there, that’s a ​diminuendo.​ Keep it ​piano…

​ ohh, it’s ​tranquilo!​ Calm down… calm
down, calm down! Oh, shit, the chords are messy, this bastard hand!’ At the end of the first
movement I cut off the ​fortissimo​ in two powerful beats, and let the orchestra take over…. ‘But
what’s with this weak ​fortissimo?​ Is this the best sound I can make?’ I cursed to myself as I
waited for the first movement to end, and then the baton fell. I felt awful for finally humiliating
myself as a performer.

“Bravo! Morimura-san, bravo!” The voice sounded like Iida-san, and applause followed. I didn’t
have time to be aware of the blood rushing to my head. At that moment, I slammed my violin on
the floor with all my might.

“Don’t patronize me!” The whole place froze. In the stunned silence, I walked to the door, aware
that my face was turning red with anger.

“Morimura-kun…“Morimura-san…?” I heard voices murmuring as I grabbed the doorknob.

“Wait!” I heard the commanding baritone voice of Tounoin.

“Shut up!” I yelled back and walked out. I darted down the hallway and down the stairs. I
realized that I still had my bow in my right hand, and I threw it down. “Damn it!” I put my
undamaged hand in my pocket and stepped out into the night.

I had paid a lot of money for my violin, and the fact that I had destroyed it in a fit of rage
weighed on my mind as I walked back to my apartment. When I got back, I locked the door and
huddled in the corner of the room with my knees in my hands. I don’t know how I ended up like
this… It was important to me. It’s not a matter of price, even though I put half of my salary into
the loan for it — which is also important, of course — but the violin was like my identity. I’ve
never mistreated it, it’s always been my treasure. What is wrong with me, that I’d throw it away
just because I lost my temper? Whenever I was in pain, or sad, I spent more time with my violin
than any person. In the distant past, like the day I lost my first love...when my father died
suddenly without warning...on the night when I made up my mind to abandon my family
business, as the eldest son of a farmer, and go to music school despite my sisters’ criticism…
on the night I gave up trying to be a professional… after all that, I just slammed it on the floor.
The back of the instrument was probably cracked, because I heard it make a sound… And
repairing it won’t bring back it’s original tone.

Since I threw it away, maybe it’s time to quit. Maybe it’s God trying to tell me not to cling to
music forever when I don’t have the talent. I was always devoted to my parents, and now I can’t
become a professional musician, and I’m not even a full-time teacher. Come to think of it, I
wonder how long I’ve been avoiding job searching with my employment deadline expiring in
December. I heard a knock at the door.

“Morimura-chan, are you home?” It was Nico-chan’s voice. “Morimura-chan. Morimura-chan?

Iida-san is also with me.”

“Morimura-kun, I wasn’t patronizing you, this is just a misunderstanding, honestly!” I heard them
say this and that for a while, but I didn’t respond. I don’t want to see Ishida-san’s face… I don’t
want to see Iida-san’s face. Please leave. But then I heard another man’s voice and looked up
with a start. I heard the sound of a knob being turned.

“It’s me!” His baritone voice bellowed, “I know you’re in there! Give up and open the door!

Idiot! I’m the one who has barricaded myself in here! And he’s shouting so loudly in a crowded
building! But I didn’t want to see Tounoin’s face, he was the one who pissed me off in the first
place.

“Morimura-san! Morimura-san!” He continued to shout, slamming on the door without

reservations.

“I’m not home! Don’t bother the neighbors!”

“If you don’t come out, I’m prepared to go in,” he answered.

“Hey, Tounoin-kun...!”

“Move out of the way!” I heard them arguing outside of the door. “Open sesame!” After he said
that, there was a loud boom and the metal door that was kicked open bounced against the wall,
coming back around to close when a big shoulder entered and stopped it. The evil-eyed
Tounoin was looking down on me like a Demon — and I was just dumbfounded by his
tremendous leg strength — when the phone rang and it brought me to my senses. I hurriedly
picked up the phone to escape his demonic stare.

“Yes, Morimura…”

“Why can’t you nerds follow etiquette!” I had to hold the receiver away from my ear as the
woman’s shout hit my eardrum, “It’s common sense to live peacefully without bothering each
other. Besides, we have a baby, and she’s a very delicate girl.”

Tounoin heard the sound from the phone even from an arm’s length away. He took the phone
from me, used his hand to block the listening side and said into the receiver, “If your child is
hysterical, it’s because she inherited it from her mother.” He then slammed the phone down and
grabbed me by the shoulder, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

“I have nothing to say!”

“I do. Come with me.” I knew that in spite of his slender appearance, Tounoin had a ridiculous
amount of strength, and he had just proven it against the door. But I couldn’t believe he picked
me up — a full-grown man — so easily, despite my resistance, and threw me over his shoulder
like a bag!

“Put me down! Put me down, let go! Hey!” I shrieked as loud as I could, and fire shot out of my
eyes. “Tou- AHH” I slammed my head against the doorframe and went limp.

“It’s because you’re being so difficult,” he said as he walked down the corridor. I heard my
phone ringing again.

“T-Tounoin-kun…” I heard Ishida’s confused voice behind me.

“Sub-conductor, that’s a bit...” Iida-san’s voice followed.

“This is a matter between me and him,” Tounoin cut them off as he quickly carried me up the
stairs, “I’ll see you Thursday.” The distant ringing of the phone disappeared behind the
soundproofed door.

—-
He threw me down on the bed and I curled up into a ball with my head in my hands.

“You’re absolutely a handful,” he said as he entered the cabin, and I felt like I’d heard him say
that before. He came back before I could regain the energy to run away. “Here, let me see,” he
forced me to remove my hand from my head, which was throbbing from where I’d whacked it.

“Ow, it hurts, it hurts!”

“I would say so, it’s bloody.”

“What...?”

“Hold it with this for now,” he made me put my hand on the back of my head with a wet towel. I
felt the bed sink suddenly, and Tounoin’s voice came from above my head, “You were in no
condition to play Mendelssohn tonight. You were playing the ​appassionato ​like​ furioso… n
​ o,
more of a ​feroce, ​all because you didn’t settle your private matters with me.”

That pissed me off. “And whose fault is that? Huh?”

“I was prepared to discuss it.”

“Discuss what? Did you want me to say that I wasn’t after your money or your status? That I
wasn’t looking to become a princess?”

“Really?” he said with a hearty and joyful tone,“I should have known.” I thought I must have lost
it when he replied with that mixed response, but I’d already said it…

“I thought it was just my imagination, but I was so stupid. I know how pure of a person you
are…”

“Well, Kawashima-san screwed me over and I made a bad decision.”

“I apologize for that trivial misunderstanding. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll take a beating for
it.”

“I’ll never make that mistake again.”

“I love you.”

“Are you listening to what I’m saying?”

“I’m listening. Your voice sounds like an angel’s scolding.”

“Ugh… so I’m not saying that I’ll accept you, I’m saying that it’s just sex.”
“Yes, that’s true, it’s just sex…”

“Didn’t I just say that I don’t want to do it anymore?”

“For me, waiting for the day you open up to me is much more important than just being physical
with you. You know that, right?”

“Hey, listen to me!”

“But I can’t wait any longer!” He exclaimed, and looked at me with a heavy stare. “I know you’re
starting to like me! You even opened up your body to me! How could I not want to hold you in
my arms? I’m a human being after all, a man of flesh and blood!” It wasn’t like the other night,
when Tounoin’s eyes were overflowing and he was full of wild passion, but I could read the pain
he was feeling inside. I felt the scream of love that was simmering even hotter now, a love that
was on the verge of life and death. I had no choice but to confess.

“But this… my feelings are not love…” I like you, but this is not love. I think…

“It’s okay as long as you can forgive me,” Tounoin whispered, “Please help me. I want you…!”
He took my hand and guided it to his crotch, “I’m... going crazy.” He buried his face into my
shoulder. This man, who had so aggressively taken me before, now laid his manly pride at my
feet… this is the kind of man he really is.

“I understand,” There was nothing

else I could say. I’ve been smitten
by him for a while now, and that’s
why I was so furious when he
misunderstood me. “But, I mean…”

“I’ll be gentle,” he pushed me down

while kissing me, but that’s as far as
the calm went. I felt myself swept
away by Tounoin’s passionate
caresses, and my breathing
became rough and hard…

“Ah...music…! Put something on…!”

I said, gasping desperately, but
Tounoin answered with a feverish
whisper.

“I don’t want to listen to music, I

want to listen to your breath. I want
to hear your heartbeat, your gasps, your voice.”

“It-it’s embarrassing.”

“Why? You’re the first person who’s ever stirred my heart like this,” his strong arms were
wrapped around my hips, and I felt a throbbing tingle at his touch — but this was something
Tounoin was already used to. I was the one who was hung up on it. Even now… I was still
fixated on it.

“I don’t… want to…” I confessed to him, mixed with a gasp. “I don’t like that I’m being so… I
can’t stand that I’m becoming so… indecent…” Tounoin’s allegretto gasps were ringing in my
ears… he was listening to my panting, and I was terribly ashamed of making such sounds. And
yet…

“Let’s get friendlier,” he dismissed me simply and slipped his hand inside my shirt. When I
turned to look at him, he pulled my pants off in one swift motion.

“Wait, wait, at least dim the lights…! NO!” I forgot that he was really quite aggressive. I writhed
helplessly as he sucked my cock, and I came in his mouth in shame and pleasure. Even down
there, he didn’t hesitate to caress me with his lips and tongue. Then he opened my legs with
irresistible force as I writhed in embarrassment, and kept teasing and tongue-fucking me until I
was limp with the pleasure of having my ass eaten… I was so aroused that I was gasping (I
couldn’t help it!) and I realized that my moaning had increased to a presto.

He sat up and slowly moved between my legs, holding my hips on his knees. Then he placed
his hot, raging penis against my ass and pushed into me. It was too late to turn back now, but I
clutched the sheet in anticipation of the pain that would follow.

“Don’t be afraid. Relax,” His instructions were gentle and soft, “That’s right, don’t worry, I’ll take
care of it,” he calmed me gently every time I tightened up, and slowly I relaxed. But even so, the
feeling of that hot, foreign object going inside me was nothing but tingling and pain from the
pressure on my internal organs. But I chose to accept it…

“Ah, Ah! Aaa...haa..” I relaxed my clenched jaw. The pain faded and the torment settled into the
sensation of him being swallowed deep inside me. His hard, hot, thick shaft, pulsing
powerfully… I finally did it… the moment he moved, I felt a spark run through my nerves — and
it was an irresistible sensation.

“Does it hurt?” He asked me, and I shook my head. “Do you feel it? You can feel it, can’t you?”

“Ahh, ah!” I gasped as he slid out of me, and again when he thrust into me. Again, again, and
again it was pulled out and pushed back in… I was so aroused by the teasing sensation that I
forgot myself and dug my nails into him; this time the one who groaned was Tounoin.
“No, I’m going to cum…” he pounded violently at an allegro tempo, and all my sense of reason
and shame evaporated into intense pleasure. If I release myself to this, I’m the same as
Tounoin… a man! I felt him cum inside me in hot spurts, and I let myself go as well. He
whispered, “I love you” and I could only nod, hearing his heartbeat directly in my ears, the same
presto as mine. Eventually when it slowed down into an andante, my lips begged for more…

—-

The sound of talking woke me up.

“Yes, he has a cold. Yes, he said he’ll be in tomorrow as usual. Thank you.”

“There’s no such thing as paid time off for part-time teachers, you know.” I said, while wrapped
in a blanket.

Tounoin, who had pushed the phone back under the bed, turned around and scratched his
head, “But you need to rest.”

“Yeah… I’m deathly tired…”

Tounoin looked even more troubled, “...sorry.” He said with a wry smile. I was just as guilty as
him.

“Well, I have to look for another part-time job anyway,” I said, “But I’ll get some more sleep.” Ah,
I’m so tired…

“Why is that?” He looked at me with a puzzled expression.

Of course, he’s the son of a bank president… I laughed. “Well, violins don’t grow on trees, and I
think mine is beyond repair.”

“Yes, the back plate was cracked. But if that’s what you’re talking about —“ Tounoin started to
say, when there was a pounding on the soundproofed door. “Ah, it seems to have arrived.”
Tounoin, still naked and wrapped only in a dressing gown, strode over to the door. I heard a
man’s voice and started to nervously look for a place to hide; I didn’t want anyone to see me like
this.

“Thank you for your hard work,” I heard Tounoin’s voice saying, followed by the sound of the
door closing. When he came back he was holding a violin case in his hand! Tounoin knelt down
on the floor and opened the case. He took out the violin and bow and held them up. Although he
held it in a very… unique… position, the sound that came out was clear and beautiful. “Hmm, it
seems to work,” he said to himself, and turned to me. I chuckled.
“You’re drooling,” he said, and my shoulders shook as I quickly put my hand to my mouth. “Even
with that face, this is for you — that is, if you like it.” He placed it on my lap, and I could tell at a
glance that it was much better than my own. The shape and beauty of the wood grain… it was
probably in the four or five million class… I grimaced when I saw the label inside the body.

“An Amati?”

“It’s a copy. My father thinks he got it for a bargain, but it’s from the beginning of this century at
best.”

Even if it is a copy, it must be worth seven or eight million yen if it’s that old and this good, “I
can’t borrow something this expensive.”

“If it were at my parents’ house it would just be sitting in our collection, so you might as well.
Please buy it.”

As he was talking, my eyes caressed the violin, calculating vaguely. “...if you don’t mind giving
me a fifty-year loan.”

“That sounds good,” Tounoin replied in a pleased voice, “You can pay for it with kisses every
day for fifty years.”

“...huh?”

“365 days times fifty… so the price would be 18,250 kisses. How about that?”

I thought about it. I did want the violin, but I couldn't buy it with kisses… wouldn’t that be selling
myself? I gently looked at Tounoin. He was trying to keep his poker face, but I could tell that
underneath he was praying for me to accept it. I felt a bitter smile appear from the bottom of my
heart. This guy….

“By the time I’ll have it paid off, we’ll both be seventy years old, right?”

“It probably won’t take more than fifty years,” Tounoin said, sitting down beside me. He pulled
my head in with his large hand...and I realized that I had crossed the line. It’s okay, now I’m just
blinded by desire for a violin. “It won’t take very long… there, that’s one,” Tounoin whispered to
me, enraptured. And the third...the fourth… “See, you’ve already paid 11.”

The deal was made. He knew I couldn’t just use ‘thank you’ for a loan, so he came up with this
idea, a two birds with one stone kind of deal. But now the Amati copy is mine… and this
purchase came with an unexpected bonus. I took a shower to freshen up, dressed myself in
clean clothes (that were too big for me), and started to tune my new violin to see how it
sounded.
“Please play the Mendelssohn.”

“...why don’t we just change the soloist to somebody from M-Kyo,” I whispered.

He looked me in the eye and said, “Don’t be silly! Why would Fujimi play a concerto without a
soloist from Fujimi?”

“But…”

“Let’s talk about it later.” He urged me to play the concerto, and I had no choice but to open the
score in my mind. But after playing the first sixteen bars, I stopped and removed my bow in
disbelief.

“Well, I…”

Tounoin nodded smugly, “You see what I mean? It wasn't your ability, it was the violin that
wasn’t good enough. With your skills, you can play Tchaikovsky or anything you want.”

“...When I bought my old violin, I was really impressed with how good it sounded.”

“As your skill improves, you need to use an appropriate instrument, otherwise you’ll become
hysterical with frustration,” he said with a composed face, but his lips twitched.

I glared at him, “I’m sorry I’m such a hysterical man.”

“No, you’re not. You were in pain, so much that you wanted to commit.”

I ignored him. I took a position to put this instrument through a test in earnest, and then I
remembered. Where to practice… well, later. I’m a soloist for Fujimi, and thanks to this new
violin, I’ll be able to make a less embarrassing sound, but still far from the hundred percent I’m
hoping for…

“Yuuki,” he said in my ear, and I glared at him for coming up behind me without my knowledge,
telling him not to interfere with my practice. But Tounoin’s business was serious.

“Relax your shoulders.” Then a large, cold hand grabbed my neck and shoulders, where I had
unwittingly tensed up.

“Oh, there… that feels good.” I said, and blushed because that’s...something I had said… last
night.

“Okay, you can continue,” I was saved by the calm sound of Tounoin’s voice.
“Yeah, thank you. Um…” I asked Tounoin, who went over to lay back down on the bed, “Can I
practice here until noon?”

Tounoin laughed, “I have a confession. My headphones have a handheld dial.”

“What?”

“I pretended to be studying my scores, but I was actually listening to you practice with the
volume turned off.”

“Hey, that’s…”

“I had to, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get you to stay here. But in the end, I had to
leave,” he went on anxiously, “Can you concentrate while I’m listening?”

I noticed then… that I wasn’t afraid of Tounoin.

“I’d really appreciate it if I could practice here, if it didn’t bother you.” I said, and despite his
poker face, I could tell it was his way of making it up to me.

“My schedule for today is to relax and listen to you play violin for about four hours, then make
arrangements to fix your door. Around 7 o’clock, I’ll take you out for dinner at ​Fujimi’s​.”

“OK.” I replied, quite naturally… I wondered if this is what it meant to let go. If there were
barriers, I would worry about them being breached, but once they were removed all I had to do
was speak honestly. It was so easy.

“Stop!” He yelled while I was practicing, and my bow screeched to a halt. “When you’re
practicing, don’t think about what happened in bed.”

“It’s not like that! I’m not!” You idiot, now I’m thinking about it because you said that! Now I’m
feeling it… that sweet, numb sensation, like he’s still inside me.

—-

Thursday. Iida-san was gracious enough to accept my apology, “You look so quiet, but you’re
really quite passionate.”

I nervously rubbed the back of my head, aware that I was blushing, “It was even a surprise to
me.”

Iida-san laughed and leaned his head in closer, grinning ear to ear, and whispered, “Are you
getting laid? You’re too young to be hoarding yourself, it’s bad for you,” he continued, “If you
ever feel like you’re gonna throw your violin again, let me know and I’ll take you to a place with
beautiful women and good service.”

“Ah, hahaha, thanks…”

“I used to spend half of my salary there before I got married. You won’t be disappointed.” As
Iida-san went to take his seat, my image of what an ‘M-Kyo musician’ was like had shattered…
pfft... if you take away his title, he’s just a dirty skirt-chaser.

My new violin made almost ninety percent of the sound that I wanted; I could only imagine what
I could do with a real Amati, but I chided myself for being so vain. Making no mistakes is the
starting point, not the goal, and how far you can go from there to add artistry to the music is the
challenge as a musician. Executing the piece with precision and sincerity, I played the same
movement over and over again, matching the baton of Tounoin while he waited for the orchestra
to catch up to the desired level. If I wanted to get even one step closer to a hundred percent,
whether I played it five or ten times, there would be no time to get tired or slack off. Then I
realized that Tounoin might be making the same effort… I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be the
same for a genius, but perhaps he was approaching it the same way, making subtle
improvements with each repetition…

“STOOOP!” His yell was aimed at me, and I freaked out. His eyes reproached me for thinking
about ‘what happened in bed.’ Damn it, I wasn’t thinking about that! “Then, let’s start from the
beginning.”

...but he can see right into my head. Now that I’m thinking about it, Kawashima-san said that
Tounoin only looks at me…

“Stop! Stop!” His gaze pierced me like an icy nail. “I believe that even a soloist is still a member
of the orchestra. You may rest if you are tired, but please refrain from playing mindlessly.” His
eyes were as stern as ever.

Certainly, if I played carelessly as the soloist, the concerto wouldn’t work. This is my fault, “I’m
sorry.”

“Alright, let’s start from the beginning once more.”

‘Clear your mind, get rid of distracting thoughts.’ I took my playing position, set my bow on the
string and set my eyes on Tounoin. ‘Deep breaths…” Tounoin’s baton was able to connect with
my playing this time, helping me to play my best without a second’s deviation. All the way to the
end, both of us were as in sync as the right and left hands playing a single violin. But I didn’t
realize it until Tounoin gave the graceful cut-off at the end, relieving me of my tension. His eyes
said, ‘Well done.’

My wordless response was, ‘Thank you, but not quite.’

‘You’re greedy, aren’t you?’ For a moment, a smile that wasn’t from Tounoin the conductor
appeared in his eyes. But it disappeared as soon as it had appeared. He glanced at the clock on
the wall and said with his perfect poker face, “This is the last time. From the top.” Then he held
up his baton.

When I was getting ready to head out, somebody bumped me on the head. “Ack~” When I
looked around to see what it was, I saw Kawashima-san holding her flute case in her arms,
grinning with her beautiful white teeth.

“You guys were showing off.”

“What are you talking about? We weren’t doing anything…”

“‘We?’” Kawashima-san’s eyes were grinning. This girl...

I responded, “We’re concertmaster and conductor, of course we’re matching together. Is it

unusual for fish to breathe underwater?”

“Whoa, Morimura-sensei, you have comebacks even though you’re blushing.”

“Oh, I’m angry all right, Kawashima-san!”

Her smile faded to a smirk, “I’m jealous of you, you know.” She squeezed his chin, “But I’m
keeping you. Don’t you 'want some coffee?’”

I turned around and saw Tounoin, who was waiting by the door, giving me the look that said
‘would you like some coffee?’ This girl really can see through anything and everything… I give
up, I give up.

“Why don’t you join us?”

“Sure,” Kawashima-san went up to Tounoin with a mischievous look and talked to him. Tounoin
glanced at me and nodded. We talked about the concert program on our way to ​Mozart​ with
Kawashima-san in between us. The Mendelssohn Concerto, ​Finlandia, The Beautiful Blue
Danube a ​ nd ​Eine Kleine Nachtmusik ​were on the second half, but what was the order of the first
half? Tounoin suggested we play it in alphabetical order and was scolded for not being serious.

Kawashima-san made us buy her cake and coffee, making the price of her company 400 yen.

—-
 AFTERWORD

Hello, this is Akizuki. What do you think of the second book in the Fujimi series, "Wandering
Violinist,” which is the second book in the Ruby Collection? I think it's quite lovely that "Tounoin,
a man of patience," is forced to change from a guarded wolf to an open wolf. He keeps
everything to himself. For example, every night he hugs a stuffed rabbit that looks just like
Morimura that he found at a toy store and bought without thinking, and whispers, "Yuki..." But he
doesn't show it on his face, even if he is falling down in agony at night when Yuki the rabbit can't
comfort him. Wow, he is very consumed by aesthetics, to any end! (Imagine him with his poker
face, hugging a stuffed toy, what’s wrong with this picture).

But that was only for three months, anyway. I often receive letters from readers asking for a
story told from Tounoin’s perspective, and I think it would be quite dramatic if I depicted the
inner thoughts behind his poker face at this point. I may try to do it as a side story at some point.
Hmmm... I’ll think about it.... (Oh, don't get your hopes up, okay?) (Akizuki is a person whose
whims change with the seasons). By the way, there's a fun way to enjoy Akizuki's works: a
game of mistake-finding. In other words, there are a lot of author's mistakes in dates and
settings. In the case of "The Wandering Violinist" and "Do You Like The Concert?'' The price of
the Amati copy was 18,250 kisses (365 days x 50 years), but in the magazine it was 182,500
kisses. I'm sorry for those of you who interpreted it in a favorable way, thinking that Tounoin
must have doubled the number of kisses. It was just a miscalculation by Akizuki, who is not
good at math. And by the way, if I had let Tounoin do the calculations himself… well, he’s the
son of a banker, after all. In 50 years, it would be 12 times, including February 29 with leap
years, so 365 x 50…. ah...18262 kisses.

"What? What's that amount? Did you account for leap years? Are you sure that’s right?” “... I
don’t think so.” The conversation should have gone something like that. That would have been
funny. I'm sorry. Also, there are two other mistakes that were corrected in this version of the
story that the readers didn't seem to notice, but have been revised for this edition. Both are
related to the setting, but if you compare them to the one in JUNE, do your best to find it. It has
to do with the progress of the series (and a person who says that they are no longer in
agreement). If you can find it, you're a real Fujimi connoisseur. Well, it's just a little thing, but it
makes my AB "A" blood boil, so I've corrected it. Akizuki likes to study the facts of historical
events, and from the beginning I wanted to make Fujimi as realistic as possible, so I made my
own calendar for the setting. It was only after a reader pointed it out that I realized that it exactly
matched this year's calendar. In other words, I've been using only the days of the week as a
reference, and that's why I made the mistake that I'm fixing this time. (Oh, that's a big hint, and
hint #2: Akizuki's handmade calendar didn't include holidays). For the convenience of the
storyline, I decided that Yuuki's siege would begin on Saturday, August 13th, so I had to write
the following with the exact date. However, being a crass person at heart, I made a lot of
mistakes here and there, and many people have pointed out things that were wrong. ......
However, it seems that writing in a diary-like manner makes the existence of Yuki and Tounoin
more real, so it was worth the effort to make a handwritten calendar for six months. I bought a
ten-year calendar at a bookstore on New Year's Day after I found out that Fujimi's calendar
matched the real one for 1994. Now I'm writing plot points on it as I go. I'm not going to make
any more mistakes in the date! Yeah! In addition to these simple mistakes, there are a few other
things that I missed writing and think, "Damn, I forgot! For example, Tounoin, the extremely
tough guy who waved his baton for an hour in a non-air-conditioned conference room in the
middle of summer without breaking a sweat, was another mistake. In reality all conductors
sweat a lot when they perform on one stage; Hiroyuki Iwashiro wrote in his essay about his
struggles to keep his tailcoat clean during a tour, when he couldn't wash it, because the sweat
he had worked up would turn to salt and blow away. Well, Tounoin is somewhat inhuman, so I
can't say it's not unlike him that he doesn't even sweat. Tounoin put down his baton and quickly
put his hand in his back pocket... and pulled it out again. “As usual, he wiped his sweat-soaked
cheek with the palm of his hand with an expressionless yet somewhat hateful face.” or “He
wiped his sweaty chin with the palm of his hand, apparently forgetting his handkerchief. I'm
done," he said, brushing back his bangs, which had fallen into a mess on his forehead.

If only I had included a scene somewhere like this in "Recital Kyokyokyoku", when the two of
them were coming down to the edge of the stage after finishing the second part:

Kei was drenched in sweat. His masculine good looks were flushed as a sign that he had
wielded the baton with all his might, and sweat was trickling down his cheeks from the
tips of his messy bangs. He frowned as he dug his hands into the pockets of his dress
pants. He wiped away the sweat with his hand. I took out a handkerchief from my pocket
and handed it to him. I took the handkerchief out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Thank you," Kei said as he accepted the handkerchief and quickly wiped my face with it.

“You're drenched too," I said, rushing half a step away from Kei.

I wish I was able to put in a nice scene like that. I could have used props like "sweat splattering"
to make Kei's command more dynamic, but.... The complete collection of JUNE will be
published this fall (1994) by Magazine Magazine, and will include the Fujimi series. It's a
gorgeous bound book, but I've heard it's only available by mail order… I guess I'll end here. By
the way, I've received a lot of letters from people who read my last book, ​Cold Front Conductor,
but I haven't been able to reply to most of them. I'm so happy and embarrassed to receive such
fan letters, but they are the best source of energy for Akizuki, so when I receive them, I jump at
the chance to read them. The truth is, I've been extremely busy since April with writing for the
booklet of Fujimi's first CD, which will be released at the same time as this book (or has it
already been released?), writing for the new part of the Fujimi series, which has already entered
the second part, and many other things. I've been extremely busy since April, and I haven't been
able to send out replies as often as I used to, even though some of you have written to me
many times. I'm really sorry. The fact that I haven't received any replies is a sign that I'm in a
good mood, and I'm working hard to write as much as I can, so please wait until the next slump
hits Akizuki. The title of the CD is "Cold Front Conductor" and it will be released by Sony. The
cover and other illustrations are newly drawn by Nishi Keiko. The booklet includes a special
one-page manga by Nishi-san and a secret story about ​Tannhäuser b ​ y Akizuki. Thank you!