Initial thoughts: Terrible writing, cheesy dialogue,

confusing set-up.
The set-up of this scene is written
extremely poorly.
- Visual aids are poorly written (She sees)
- What people are doing is poorly written
 This scene is actually set-up well. Excessive,
but more visually appealing than the previous
scene.

Introduce Elliot
Two instances of the GREEN EFFECT
Awkward attempt at realistic dialogue.
Immediately cover the "CAUSE".
Elliot will be the focus of this story.
First caves and now this? It's a little too OTN.
Developing this chain of events was
fairly... quick?
 These random discussions are annoying.

Writing here is just...not doing it for me.

 Jesus, why so on the nose?

Common THEME:
Backwards
Suicide
BREEZE/TREE
Airbone

I wonder if these repeated scenes will lose their disturbing nature if you keep
repeating the same instance, one after another.
What the hell?
Just...why?
The cheesy lines.
On the nose, overt statements.
No mysterious atmosphere when you say
everything out loud.
I see why, but STUPID.
Real solution is posed immediately.

Why not let is unravel later on?

How many times are we
going to show these
scenes? It's not really
integrated well (eg. FINAL
DESTINATION).
 What the hell.

Elliot and Alma join Julian and Kid

Just not realistic is it?
How many times are we going to do the EXACT same
sequence. At least find a way to do something differently?
Journey 1 detour - Find EVETTE
So on the nose.
Journey DERAILED - Train has stopped.
So awkward. Why would he be
singing???

Side story - Eliott solving the

MYSTERY.
Revealing the CAUSE near the beginning
and not as a classic ending-twist?
This writing is so on the nose, it's cringe.
Finding REFUGE. Julian leaves to leave
Alma and Eliott to patch things up.
They are separated.
Nature will restore balance.
No more Julian.

This is probably the only really effective scene.

I think it would benefit from being more personal, and from the stories coming from people we know
and care for.

+1 if it happens to Alma/Eliott/Jess, etc.

 I suggest comparing this to Mist 2007

New CHARACTER.
Now it's getting interesting.
 Julian and Evette are dead.

Why so on the nose?

Alma shift.
What a stupid conversation.
This is GOOD. Counter-intuitive and risky.
I like the idea of mutation, adaptation, and
getting worse. This should've been more
developed to keep things interesting.
Gooood. More detailing WHY this area is untapped would be
ideal.
 Cool angle.

Nice. If this wasn't so overused by this point, this

scene could be particularly effective.
Hmmm.

Bit of a stretch.
This strategic thinking is cool as it's being
developed.
This would only be effective if the setup was strong, and unfortunately it wasn't. Still good on its
own.

Nice. Confirm theory as you go, go in blind, be wrong, keep it tense

and uncertain.
Such stupid dialogue.
They are sleeping outside in the nature and
nothing is happening?

Ehhh. You need to be consistent and clarify

why this is happening for them and not for
others.
New Journey

Josh and Whatever

Less threat, then?
This feels so contrived and excessive and way too
sentimental for the current situation.
Foreshadow?
Funny.

Good. Scares are getting

better because they are
more PERSONAL.
Can be a very unnerving scene.
Dangerous.
I like the idea of posing them as something super menacing.

What the hell is this conversation.

New destination.
 Why are you not consistent?

Risky? Why are people outside?

New person.
So she's infected...? Why is she so resistant to being saved?
Is there an immunity thing?
Getting repetitive now.
Ok...?
Not really accomplishing what you want to
accomplish.
Kids are separated.

Okay.
Man failed. Nature prevailed.
Okay? New person.
These convos are out of place, and
frankly, annoying.
Interesting, dynamic.
Okay...?

Okay, good and didn't see if coming,

surprisingly.
This ambiguity +1
Not working right.
Okay...
I don't think this is a climatic enough "
final trigger".
I think this ending is sweet, but is it the best? No.
Failure at SET-UP.
Energy comment is interesting but not enough to conclude.
Weird ending for a horror.
Now what the hell
Montage of the aftermath, short and sweet. This is how the beginning should've
been. Develop it as it gets worse.
5/10
- Poorly written
- Very cool concept that was poorly developed
- Weird ending
- Repetitive
- Not enough dynamic conflict
- Relationship was poorly written.
- Could be improved and made to be tense/thriller if rewritten.
Ie) Strong foundation