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Topics
1. Interpersonal Conflict
2. Social Support, Social Strain, and Health
3. Adjusting to Differences
4. Stress and Health Effects of Racism and
Discrimination
5. Gender Differences in Response to Stress

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 INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance
 Because of competing needs and interests in any
relationship, sustained relationships inevitably lead
to conflict.
 One way of dealing with interpersonal conflict is
through raising tension, creating distance and
engaging in high drama.
 Taking this approach, we may win
an argument, but it creates
distance that weaken our
relationships.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d)
 Which is more true: “Opposites attract or birds of a
feather flock together”?
 Distance can arise through Differences.
 Research shows we are most attracted to those
with similar behaviours, beliefs, attitudes and
worldviews.
 Opposite traits create balance, but
when they are too extreme, it can
result in diverging needs and goals.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d)
 These can lead us to sacrifice the fulfillment of
certain needs and interests, to go at it alone, or try
to get the other person to accommodate our
needs.
 Power and control tactics is a
high-drama method of dealing with
differences that arise.
 For example: withholding, bullying,
manipulation, intimidation or
deception.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 When a person uses punitive
tactics, the recipient experiences
negative affect.
 Feelings may include hurt, anger,
sadness, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety or
depression.
 This causes negative reciprocity: a hostile or
angry remark prompts a negative response. Each
round of attack and counterattack escalates tension
and conflict rather than resolving it.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 The demand-withdraw
pattern is another destructive
pattern.
 One party makes a demand on the relationship that
leads the other party to withdraw emotionally or
physically rather than resolve the demand.
 It involves four steps:
 (1) one partner complains or criticizes the other,
which prompts,
 (2) the other person to get defensive,

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 (3) to feel contempt toward the complaining
person, and
 (4) then withdraw emotionally or physically.
 The fourth step is referred to as stonewalling: the
withdrawing person withholds
attention and puts up a wall that
blocks communication and
cooperation as a way to punish
the demanding person.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 Heavy control communication includes the iron
fist and the velvet glove
 The iron fist: active heavy control
talk that uses a sledgehammer to
get a point across.
 Examples include name calling, accusing, using
sarcasm, blaming, putting down, threatening or
criticizing.
 The velvet glove: passive heavy control uses an
indirect approach.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 It involves attempts to manipulate through inducing
guilt or sympathy and includes whining, denying
withholding, playing the martyr, foot-dragging and
making excuses.
 Another power and control tactic is game playing
and involves the use of deception.
 The mythic drama triangle is the
most basic prototype for classic
stories and fairy tales and is often
a game (e.g., Cinderella).

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 It involves a persecutor (i.e., the villain –
Cinderella’s wicked stepmother and stepsisters),
the victim (Cinderella) and a rescuer (i.e., the hero
– the handsome prince).
 The process of Triangulation is a real-life
example: two people engage in a
dispute and pull in a third person.
It is a type of game that prescribes
roles (which can change abruptly)
and promotes drama and
dishonesty.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)

Figure 8.1 Drama Triangle. The drama triangle involves a victim,

persecutor, and rescuer. Roles often interchange abruptly during
the enactment of the drama triangle.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 Responsibility: laying the blame
on someone creates villains; each
person thinks the other should be
punished.
 Each party assumes the victim role and sees the
other as the villain.
 When we assign blame, we make attributions:
causal inferences about why a person engages in a
behaviour.

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 High Drama-Raising Tensions and
Creating Distance (cont’d.)
 Dissatisfied couples attribute other’s negative
behaviours to internal stable causes (e.g., “he is a
jerk” or “she is a witch”).
 Satisfied couples attribute negative behaviour to
external unstable factors (e.g., “he’s had a bad day”
or “she is under a lot of stress”).
 When relationships go wrong, this
attribution style considers one side
blameless and the other 100%
responsible.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness

 Low-drama approaches reduces

tension and conflict, leads to
shared problem solving and
results in greater closeness.
 These approaches value and
nurture interpersonal
relationships and facilitate
personal and relational growth.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Elements that promote these approaches are:
 Similarities: One approach to minimize tensions is
to search for common ground – that you have a
mutual basis to build on.
 One way to develop shared understanding is
through Empathy: putting yourself in the other
person’s place to experience the world through their
eyes.
 We achieve empathy through
positive reciprocity and active
listening.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Positive reciprocity – Expressing how much we
like each other’s positive qualities and behaviours
which elevate good feelings about one another.
 Active listening – attending to the message being
conveyed by the other party, and feeding back an
understanding of the message, until the person feels
heard by the listener.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Constructive influence: Because each party has
their own needs and interests, it is important to
express them in a constructive manner that is
mutually satisfying.
 It involves straightforward
expression of thoughts, feelings
and desires in a nonjudgmental,
respectful way.
 This is referred to as clean communication, straight
talk or assertiveness.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 The “do’s” of clean communication are:
 “Describe your feelings rather than attack with
them.”
 This involves the use of “I” messages rather than
“you” messages (e.g., “I feel sad” rather than “You
made me cry”).
 “Keep body language open and receptive.”
 This includes good eye contact,
uncrossed arms, using active
listening, nodding etc.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 “Use whole messages” which have four parts.
The more parts used the more information is
conveyed in the message.
 (1) observations (i.e., neutral statements of fact
like “it rained yesterday”);
 (2) thoughts (i.e., “I” statements about one’s
personal understandings such as “My idea is…” or
“The way it seemed to me was…”);
 (3) feelings (i.e., “I” statements that identify one’s
emotions for example, “I feel frustrated” or “I am
excited”);

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 (4) needs, desires and wants (i.e., “I” statements
such as “I want to feel closer to you” or “I need
some relief from all this stress”).
 “Use clear messages”, not contaminated by
subtext or the necessity to read between the lines to
understand the communicator’s intention.
 For example a “why” question is often Why
a disguised judgment statement (e.g.,
a partner who says “Why are you so
messy?” is making a statement
disguised as a question.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 This is a contaminated message of a critical
judgment that says “You are messy, therefore you
are bad!”
 McKay et al. (2006, p.60) presents the following as
a whole clear message: “I notice you are pretty
quiet tonight (observation). It makes me think you’re
not interested in me (thought), and I feel hurt and a
little angry (feeling). I’d like for you to talk with me
more (need).”

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Be assertive but use the minimally effective
response. This is the least threatening assertive
response to accomplish the objective.
 For example, “I am concerned
about what just happened” instead
of “I am mad about what has just
happened”.
 The key to successful negotiations is realizing
they are necessary to maintain intimate
relationships.
 In everyday life the process consists of a periodic
series of ongoing informal exchanges.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 If each party engages in clean communication;
the parties both express their wants, needs, and
interests; they maintain a flexible attitude; and
they search for similarities and common ground
then the chances for them to reach a mutually
satisfying outcome are high.
 McKay et al. (2006, p. 101) discuss a number of
classic compromise solutions.
 Let us see how four can apply to Jeff and
Susan’s situation.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 1. “Take turns” Susan goes to Jeff’s party this
week, but Jeff agrees to decline the next party
invitation and stay home with Susan for a quiet
evening of reading.
 2. “Do Both; have It all” Jeff goes to the party
and Susan stays at home and reads.
 3. “Trial period” Susan agrees to go to the party
for one hour, but if she wants to leave after that
time they will politely exit.
 4. “Split the Difference” Half the evening they
will attend the party and the other half they will
stay home where Susan can read.
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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 An important part of the low-drama approach is
Responsibility: accepting responsibility for our
thoughts, feelings, and actions.
 If we are unhappy, only we are
responsible for making the
changes to make us happy, not
the other person.
 We cannot expect a partner to make personality
changes to resolve conflicts.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Being responsible also means setting limits and
boundaries.
 Set limits: defining what we will agree to and
accept from other and what not.
 Boundaries: Your physical and
psychological space (e.g.,
privacy; treatment).
 Protecting one’s boundaries means saying “no”.
 In relationships if we believe we are mistreated, we
have the right to ask for the behaviour to stop.

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Ultimately in a toxic relationship, if we have
exhausted viable constructive alternatives, the best
way to set limits is to exit the relationship (e.g.,
divorce).
 Of course, in marital relationships exiting the
relationship may involve divorce—a legal dissolution
of the partnership. Up to half of first marriages will
result in divorce.
 Stressors of divorce that make adjustment more
difficult include:
 Child custody battles.
 Ongoing conflicts with the
ex-spouse.
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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Loss of financial resources.
 Loss of social and emotional support networks.
 Protective factors include:
 Individual personal resources such as coping
skills and self-efficacy (seeing an opportunity for
personal growth, escaping a dysfunctional
marriage).
 Interpersonal resources such as new social
support networks (i.e., new partner, new friends
etc.).

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 Low Drama-Lowering Tension and
Creating Closeness (cont’d.)
 Structural resources such as
employment or financial
resources.
 Adjustment is better for those
who are able to adapt and
function well in their new roles following the
divorce, who have fewer psychological or health
problems, and whose identity and lifestyle are
less organized around their former marriage.

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 SOCIAL SUPPORT, SOCIAL
STRAIN, AND HEALTH

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 Social Support and Health
 Social support is the social interactions embedded
in relationships that provide a person with potential
access to actual or perceived resources from others
who are perceived as caring.
 Social support can be:
 Physical and tangible (e.g., packing up a house).
 Informational (e.g., remind a
relative to take medication).
 Emotional (e.g., being a good
listener for someone who is upset).

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)
 Social support is related to better
health and increased longevity.
 It is related to higher overall
immune functioning.
 Having at least one person to trust
and confide in makes a big
difference in health.
 For example: marital status a good indication
(unmarried men have a 250% greater risk of
mortality than married men and unmarried women a
50% greater risk).

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)

 Men have five times greater health benefit from

marriage than women.
 Possible reasons are that married women (as
compared to married men):
 (1) do a disproportional amount of housework
and childcare (work that can add more stress),
 (2) are more likely to give than receive spousal
informational support (e.g., recommendations,
advice, etc.) that shapes good health behaviour,

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)

 (3) are less likely to depend on their spouse as

their only confidant and therefore need him less to
meet all their social support needs—the spouse
as sole confidant was reported by 15% of wives
and 40% of husbands in a study.
 Social strain refers to social interactions within a
network of social relationships that are a source of
stress.
 These relationships drain resources or provide
assistance in an unhelpful manner.

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)

These relationships are

characterized by high conflict,
negative emotions, hostility
and excessive burdens.
 Two models describe how
social support promotes health and well-being:
 The stress buffer model of social support:
social support moderates the effects of stress (it
serves as a shock absorber).

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)
 This model predicts that social
support is only beneficial under
stressful conditions (when shock
absorbers are most needed).
 Our health status is only
improved by social support under high-stress
conditions.
 The direct effect model of social support states
that social support has beneficial health and well-
being effects independent of the level of stress.
 Social support is a good “tonic” that has a positive
effect regardless of stress levels (i.e., in high- and
low-stress situations).
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 Figure 8.2 The stress buffer model of social support suggests that social support
moderates the effects of stress so that social support is only beneficial under high
stress conditions.

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 Social Support and Health (cont’d.)
 We are happier and better adjusted
when we have social support, and this
is true across all levels of stress.
 Higher levels of social support are
associated with lower everyday blood
pressure levels, less cardiovascular disease, and a
slower disease progression for patients who are already
suffering from cardiovascular disease.
 Recent neuroendocrine studies have found that
salivary cortisol levels are lower when social support is
high.
 Higher social support is associated with lower levels of
the cytokine and inflammatory marker interleukin-6.
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 Figure 8.3 The direct effect model of social support suggests that social
support exerts beneficial effects at all stress levels.

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 Social Strain and Health
 Social strain is social interactions within a
network of social relationships that are a source
of stress – because they drain resources.
 Effects of hostile relationships:
 Elevated blood pressure and heart rate.
 It is amplified when hostile
behaviours are added.
 It is more pronounced and
prolonged for wives than for
husbands.
 It can lead to immune system dysregulation.

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 ADJUSTING TO DIFFERENCES

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 Adjusting to Differences
 Cultures have unique values, beliefs, words, and
customs.
 A bicultural person has both a super-culture (the
prominent culture where one resides)
and a subculture (the embedded
culture from which one came).
 Members of the subculture may judge
a member if they become too close
to the super-culture.
 Members of the super-culture may judge the
subculture with suspicion.

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 Adjusting to Differences (cont’d.)
 Choices leading to ethnic identity for minority group
members:
 Acculturation: absorption into the main culture
while maintaining an identity of the subculture.
 Alternation: modify behaviour to fit the social
context.
 Multiculturalism: maintain a distinct identity as a
member of two or more cultures.
 Fusion: assimilate but blend cultural
identity with others to form a new
cohesive culture (“melting pot”).

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 STRESS AND HEALTH EFFECTS
OF RACISM AND DISCRIMINATION

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 Stress and Health Effects of Racism and
Discrimination
 Racism is the beliefs, attitudes, arrangements,
and acts that tend to denigrate individuals based
on phenotypic characteristics (e.g., colour of skin)
or ethnic group affiliation.
 Prejudice is negative attitudes about a group.
 Discrimination is behaviours
motivated by prejudice.
 Most research on racism in U.S.
looks at African Americans’
experiences.

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 Stress and Health Effects of Racism and
Discrimination (cont’d.)
 Racism blocks educational and economic
opportunities, which can lead to stress over limited
resources.
 Increased rates of hypertension
in African Americans could be
related to racism/social factors.
 Experiencing racism can cause
activation of HPA axis and/or
result in health negative behaviours.

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 GENDER DIFFERENCES IN
RESPONSE TO STRESS

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 Gender Differences in Response to
Stress
 Physiological responses to stress are similar, but
behaviours are different for the genders.
 Women are more likely to affiliate, they seek out
others for help.
 Tend-and-befriend: the hormone
oxytocin leads women under
threat to tend to offspring and
befriend (utilize and build social
ties).
 However, differences can be due to
socialization rather than bio-behavioural factors.
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 Gender Differences in Response to
Stress (cont’d.)
 Males also receive health and well-being benefits
from social support.
 Gender differences in general
are likely to be small in
regards to coping with stress.

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 Summary
 Similar interests, beliefs, attitudes, and world
views cause people to have less interpersonal
conflict.
 The drama triangle involves a persecutor, victim,
and rescuer.
 People blame each other in unhealthy
relationships.
 Marriage related to positive health benefits for
men and women, especially men.

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 Summary (cont’d.)
 Social strain has a negative physiological
impact.
 A bicultural person identifies with a super-
culture and a subculture.
 Exposure to racist situations results in
elevation in blood pressure and cardiovascular
activity.
 Supportive evidence for tend-and-befriend
model, but gender differences are small.

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