A Primer on How to Have Crucial Conversations

Rubber Band Tool

Healthy Tension comes from a proper amount of __________________

TRUTH

and __________________
LOVE

Crucial Conversations are when the following conditions are present:

1) _______________________________________
High Stakes

2) _______________________________________
Strong Emotions

3) _______________________________________
Opposing Opinions

When we feel threatened, lizard brain

The Fool’s Choice forces us to either … or ….

In Nature: _________________________
Fight or _________________________
Flight

Controlling/
avoiding
filibuster
Accusing
In Conversation: ______________________
violence or ________________________
silence redirect
Labeling

When either of these two happen, dialogue can’t!

Step 1: Work on ___________

ME first!

Ask yourself, “What do I really want…?

- For ________________
MYSELF - For _____________________________
THE OTHER PERSON

- For THE
______________________
RELATIONSHIP - For _____________________________
THE ORGANIZATION

How would I behave if I really did want those things?

Step 2: Master your ______________________

Facts vs. Stories

What stories might I be telling myself about this situation?

Victim, Villain, or Helpless?

 Ask yourself:

- What am I pretending not to notice about _____________

ME in the problem?

- Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?

Step 3: STATE my Path

“It seems like…”
“I’m starting to feel like…”
S ________________________________________
state the objective facts (and try to get agreement)

WHAT YOU DO T ________________________________________

tell your story (freely admitting its your perspective only)

A ________________________________________
ask for other stories. How do you see it? what else should I understand?

T ________________________________________
talk tentatively… avoid broad brush strokes. not definitive ways of talking. embodies humility.

HOW YOU DO IT
E ________________________________________
encourage testing. “how do you see this?” “help me understand” “what am I missing?”

Step 4: Make it ______________

SAFE

Learn to look for when safety is at risk, because dialogue is as well.

Two conditions for safety: _________________________________

mutual respect

_________________________________
mutual purpose

To restore Mutual Respect, Apologize or Contrast

To restore Mutual Purpose, clarify or create one