Tip #5: Choose the Right Words

2001-12-11

You can always choose the words that come out of your mouth. And it is best if you do because
the words you use to criticize often dictate whether or not the power of positive criticism will be
realized.

For example, the words a manager uses when criticizing one of his staff can either make her
listen or not. Your words tell her how you are feeling, what you think, and what she can expect
to happen to her. When you begin a criticism, your assistant is usually thinking along these
lines: “Am I in trouble?” “Will I lose my job?” “How important is this?” Everything you say is
interpreted by the recipient in the context of her needs, hopes, and concerns about her job. Make
sure you say what you mean.

Many times, slightly altering the words you use makes a great difference. Criticizing your
assistant by saying, “Your work is below our standards” will probably evoke a more defensive
response than “Your work is not quite up to our standards.” The first statement declares that the
assistant is doing poor work, while the second statement (with the appropriate voice inflection)
suggests she is close to doing satisfactory work.

If you are the boss, your words become authoritative and carry extra weight. Even if your staff
member refutes your criticism, you can still back up your words with action. You may, for
instance, tell your staff member, “Your work is way below our standards.” She might think or
say, “You're wrong.” Wrong or right, however, you have work power; you can act on your
criticism and fire her or take some other punitive action. When you are the boss, what you
say does matter.

One way you can begin to use the right words is simply to avoid emotionally loaded negative
words. Using the power of positive criticism is based on getting your recipient to be receptive to
you. Using emotionally loaded negative words reduces receptivity. Your assistant may be rash,
but telling her that she's impulsive and careless, or doesn't think things through, is not going to
awaken her receptivity. Your coworker might have acted ineptly at a presentation, but calling
him an idiot is not the track to take. Emotionally loaded words have the effect of blaming and
shaming the recipient and threaten the self-esteem, too. Destructive labels help no one, and using
them is a sure way to miss the power of positive criticism.

It is also good policy to pay attention to the words and phrases you use when initiating a
criticism. One guideline or technique that I've noticed to be particularly effective, especially with
those who you might expect to be defensive, is expression of positive criticism intent. Positive
intent statements are formulated by thinking about the ultimate positive goal you want your
criticism to accomplish. Positive criticism intent statements emphasize the task to get done.

For example, an author reports that his editor began her criticism of her manuscript by
saying, “Well, my goal is to make this the best book possible. Here's how I think that can be
done….” The author went on to say that as soon as he heard his editor's intent, “it put me in the
mood to listen to her thoughts. After all, my goal was the same as hers: to make it the best book
possible.”

Statements of positive criticism intent are effective for many reasons, but chief among them is
that they immediately communicate to the recipient that the criticism has a positive goal. At the
same time, the statement helps the recipient focus on the task of the criticism (to make this book
better). Focusing on the task of the criticism, rather than the individual, is important because it
depersonalizes the criticism, thus making it less likely that the recipient will fall into a defensive
posture. In short, positive criticism intent statements help both parties in the criticism encounter
to remember one of the basic functions of criticism: to make things better.

I have also found it a good practice to avoid using the words “always” and “never.” These words,
especially when coupled with accusatory “you” statements are like aiming a shotgun at
somebody. “Always” and “never” are gross generalizations, and, like fault-
finding “you” statements, are sure to ignite defensiveness. The rule here is “Never say always or
never.” A more choice word is “sometimes.” “Sometimes, your work needs to be more
thorough” will go a lot further in achieving positive results than “You work always needs to be
more thorough.” “Sometimes” is usually true; rarely is “always” or “never” true.

Another word that creates havoc for criticism is “should.” “You should have done it this way” is
frequently part of the criticisms we give and receive. The problem is, when you tell a person
what he “should have done,” you are implying that what he did was wrong. Defensiveness
surfaces and you will most likely hear the response, “I couldn't.” What word do I prefer instead
of “should?” Try using the word “could”: “Next time you have to deal with this customer, you
could….”

Using the word “could” helps your criticism perform one of its important functions: It creates
options for the recipient. Rather than implying that what the person did was wrong, your
criticism is simply providing different approaches for the task at hand that the recipient may
want to try. Also, by using the word “could” you communicate to the recipient that you are not
rigidly set in your views, which is implied by the word “should.”

These are only some of the examples of how little words and phrases can make a big difference;
there are many others, too. Your lesson here is simply to recognize that when you criticize, you
can choose the words that come out of your mouth; and if you do, you increase the chances that
you will get the power of positive criticism.