Understanding And

Dealing With Grief

And The Loss Of Life
► In our hearts, we all
know that death is a
part of life. In fact,
death gives meaning to
our existence because
it reminds all of us
that life is precious.
► The loss of a life is life’s most
stressful event and can cause a
major emotional crisis. After
the death of someone you
love, you experience
bereavement, which literally
means "to be deprived by
► When a death takes place, you
may experience a wide range of
emotions, even when the death is
expected. Many people report
feeling an initial stage of
numbness after first learning of a
death, but there is no real order
to the grieving process.
Symptoms Of Grief and Loss

Denial Humiliation

Yearning Shock

Disbelief Despair

Anger Sadness

Confusion Guilt
► These feelings are normal and are
common reactions to loss. You may
not be prepared for the intensity and
duration of your emotions or how
swiftly your moods may change. You
may even begin to doubt the stability
of your mental health. It is important
to be reassured that these feelings
are healthy and appropriate. These
feelings and expressions of powerful
emotions help you come to terms
with your loss.
► Remember, it takes time
to fully absorb the impact
of a major loss. You never
stop missing a friend or
loved one, but the pain
eases after time and this
allows you to go on with
your life.
 Mourning A Loved One
► It is not easy to cope after a loved
one dies. You will mourn and grieve.
Mourning is the natural process you
go through to accept a major loss.
Mourning may include religious
traditions honoring the dead or
gathering with friends and family to
share your loss. Mourning is personal
and may last months or years.
► Grieving is the outward
expression of your loss. Grief is
likely to be expressed both
physically and psychologically.
► For instance, crying is a physical
expression, while depression is a
psychological expression.
► It is very important to allow yourself
to express your feelings. Often,
death is a subject that is avoided,
ignored or denied. At first it may
seem helpful to separate yourself
from the pain or ignore your feelings,
but you cannot avoid grieving
forever. Someday those buried
feelings will need to be resolved or
they may cause physical or emotional
illness.
► Many people report physical
symptoms that accompany grief.
Stomach pain, loss of appetite,
intestinal upsets, sleep
disturbances and loss of energy
are all common symptoms of
acute grief. Of all life’s stresses,
mourning can seriously test your
natural defense systems. Existing
illnesses may worsen or new
conditions may develop.
► Profound emotional reactions
may occur. These reactions
include anxiety attacks,
chronic fatigue, depression and
thoughts of suicide. An
obsession with the deceased is
also a common reaction to
death.
 Dealing With A Major Loss

► The death of a loved one or close

friend is always difficult. Your
reactions are influenced by the
circumstances of a death,
particularly when it is sudden or
accidental. Your reactions also
are influenced by your
relationship with the person who
 For example
► A child’s death creates an
overwhelming sense of injustice for
lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and
senseless suffering. Parents may feel
responsible for the child’s death, no
matter how irrational that may
seem. Parents may also feel that
they have lost a vital part of their
own identity. Their reason for living
 For example
► A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In
addition to the severe emotional
shock, the death may cause a
potential financial crisis if the spouse
was the family’s main income source.
The death may necessitate major
social adjustments requiring the
surviving spouse to parent alone,
adjust to single life and maybe even
 For example
► Elderlypeople may be especially
vulnerable when they lose a
spouse because it means losing a
lifetime of shared experiences. At
this time, feelings of loneliness
may be compounded by the death
of close friends.
 For example
► A loss due to suicide or tragedy can be
one of the most difficult losses to bear. It
may leave the survivors with a
tremendous burden of guilt, anger and
shame. They may even feel responsible
for the death. Often, survivors benefit
from professional advice to cope with
this devastating experience. Seeking
counseling as a family unit during the
first weeks after the a death is
 Living With Grief
► Coping with death is vital to your
mental health. It is only natural
to experience grief when a loved
one dies. The best thing you can
do is allow yourself to grieve.
There are many ways to cope
effectively with your pain:
► Seek out caring people. Find
relatives and friends who can
understand your feelings of loss.
Join support groups with others
who are experiencing similar
losses.
► Express your feelings. Tell others
how you are feeling; it will help
you to work through the grieving
process.
► Take care of your health. Maintain
regular contact with your family
physician and be sure to eat well
and get plenty of rest. You should
not sleep more than 10 hours a day
without your doctors approval. Be
aware of the danger of developing a
dependence on medication or
alcohol to deal with your grief.
► Accept that life is for the living. It
takes effort to begin to live again in
the present and not dwell on the
past.
► Postpone major life changes. Try
to hold off on making any major
changes, such as moving,
remarrying, changing jobs or
having another child. You should
give yourself time to adjust to
your loss.
► Be patient. It can take months or
even years to absorb a major loss
and accept your changed life.
► Seek outside help when
necessary. If your grief seems
like it is too much to bear, seek
professional assistance to help
come to terms with your loss and
work through your grief. It’s a
sign of strength, not weakness, to
seek help.
 Helping Others Grieve

► Ifsomeone you care about

has lost a loved one, you
can help them through the
grieving process.
► Share the sorrow. Allow them,
even encourage, them to talk
about their feelings of loss and
share memories of the deceased.
Listen. Don't pressure.
► Don’t offer false comfort. It
doesn’t help the grieving person
when you say "it was for the best"
or "you’ll get over it in time."
Instead, offer a simple expression
of sorrow and take time to listen.
► Offer practical help.
Baby-sitting, cooking and running
errands are all ways to help
someone who is in the midst of
grieving. Just having someone
around who is generous but not
intrusive can help.
► Be patient. Remember that it can
take a long time to recover from
a major loss. Make yourself
available to talk.
► Encourage professional help
when necessary.
► Don’t hesitate to recommend
professional help when you
feel someone is experiencing
too much pain to cope alone.
You might make a list of
professionals who specialize in
grief, trauma or major life
transitions.
 Helping Children Grieve
► Children who experience a major loss
may grieve differently than adults. A
parent’s death can be particularly
difficult for small children, affecting
their sense of security or survival. Often,
they are confused about the changes they
see taking place around them,
particularly if well-meaning adults try to
protect them from the truth or from their
surviving parent’s display of grief.
► Limited understanding and an
inability to express feelings puts
very young children at a special
disadvantage. Young children
may revert to earlier behaviors
(such as bed-wetting), ask
questions about the deceased
that seem insensitive, invent
games about dying or pretend
that the death never happened.
► Coping with a child’s grief puts
added strain on a bereaved
parent. However, angry
outbursts or criticism by a
parent will only deepen a
child’s anxiety and delay
recovery. Instead, talk
honestly with children and in
terms they can understand.
► Take extra time to talk with
them about death and the
person who has died. Help
them to discuss and talk about
their feelings and remember
that they are looking to adults
for healthy behavior.
Looking To The Future

► Remember, with support,

patience and effort, you
will survive grief. Some
day the pain will lessen,
leaving you with cherished
memories of your loved
one.
 Understanding Loss

► Lossis defined as a “separation

from, a detachment from
something or someone of value.”
The magnitude of the loss and its
meaning and value to the
individual affects the intensity of
a person’s response.
 Understanding Loss

► Therefore, it is virtually
impossible to predict how any one
person will respond to a
particular loss. But it always
causes some change in perception
of one’s self or lifestyle and some
type of adaptation or adjustment
is required.
► Following a loss of great significance
(e.g. death of spouse or child,
divorce, loss of farm), a person
normally moves from a period of
acute emotional pain and sadness to
a more comfortable emotional state.
This movement through a series of
adaptive stages is known as the grief
process. It may take from several
weeks to several years to adequately
complete the process.
► No one can keep a person from
suffering; but you do not have
to suffer for the wrong
reasons. We must choose what
to remember of the past,
cherish the joys of the present,
and plan a future to which we
can look forward.
 Ten Helpful Guidelines
1. Accept your emotions.
Any significant loss, such as death of a
loved one, hurts. It is difficult to say
goodbye—to realize that in your
lifetime you will never see or touch
your loved one again. Why pretend
that you are not experiencing turmoil
by “keeping a stiff upper lip”? Your
emotions are a natural response to
2. Express your feelings.
Deal with your conflicting feelings
openly. A feeling that is denied
expression is not destroyed; it remains
with you and often erupts at
inappropriate times. It does hurt to use
words like dead and widow; but you must
confront reality and put your feelings
into words. Cry if you want to. It is a
natural expression of grief for both men
and women. Crying is the emptying out of
the emotions so healing can occur.
► 3. Don’t expect miracles
overnight.

Allow sufficient time for the grieving

period to run its course. Don’t
compare yourself with others in
similar positions. Their smiles might
not reveal the depth of their sorrow.
Be yourself. Don’t pretend grief
beyond the time you need to grieve.
4. If you have children, bring them
into the grieving process.
Death is a crisis that should be shared
by all members of the family. Children
too often are forgotten by grieving
adults. Silence and secrecy deprive
them of an important opportunity to
share grief. When in your heartache
you overlook your children’s feelings,
you heighten their sense of isolation.
5. Don’t escape into loneliness.
If you isolate yourself, stay alone too
much, your home will become a
protective shell that keeps you from
facing the challenges of life. At the
same time, look at your priorities so
you don’t overload your circuits. Stick
with what is important and necessary
now and don’t worry too much about
what is down the road.
6. Keep in touch with your friends.
Let the right people know that you
need their support and feedback.
They cannot bring you comfort unless
you talk with them and share your
feelings. They cannot bring you
comfort unless you allow them to
enter your sorrow. Holidays, birthdays
and anniversaries are especially
difficult times to be alone. Plan ahead
to spend these days with caring and
7. Join a support group. At some point
you may be disappointed in the reactions
of your friends or acquaintances or close
friends. Perhaps you don’t hear from them
as often as in the past. They may seem
awkward or uneasy in your presence or
even avoid your company. That’s why
self-help groups have been successful in
providing necessary emotional
intervention through the crisis of great
loss. People in these groups understand
your fears and frustrations; they have
8. Counseling may be very
beneficial.
Sorrow leaves its imprint on the
healthiest of personalities. You may
need more than the warmth of a close
friend or understanding of a fellow
sufferer. A professional counselor who
is not emotionally attached to you
may be more effective to assist you in
dealing with your intense feelings or
maintaining a clear perspective.
9. Be nice to yourself. By treating
yourself well, you could become your own
best friend. While you need caring and
supportive people, you also need moments
of solitude to find yourself. A little
withdrawal and reflection will allow you
to become more relaxed and energized. By
taking care of yourself, you will recognize
your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
You will become more confident that you
can manage the challenging days ahead.
After all, if you’re not nice to yourself,
► 10. Turn pain into growth. Death
ends a life, not a relationship.

Through grief, you can become a more

understanding, compassionate and
sympathetic person. Resolve to live as
your beloved would want to live, love as
they would want you to love, and serve
others as they would have wanted you to
serve. The Chinese word-picture symbol
for crisis is the same as the symbol for
opportunity. This is your new challenge.
The End