5.

Relationship Power - How Men Control Women (& What to Do About It)

https://youtu.be/rDK-68ZoY-E

In the previous lesson, we have seen how women slowly but surely
seek to domesticate men into providers.

But in any relationship where one can gain both from cooperation and
from defection, nature is likely to devise strategies to defend against
defection while trying to hide one’s own possible defection.

So this lesson will focus on male’s strategies to control women and

relationships.

Men Relationship Control Techniques

Male games can be more damaging to the health of the relationship.

Why so?

Because while many men end up happy while they serve their women,
women are not happy when men are successful with their control
techniques.

Games men play are more likely to physically restrain her freedom,
lower her self-esteem, decrease her psychological well being and
even lead to health issues.

Let’s review them:

1. One-Upping
Men, even men under her spell, want to feel like they are the man in
the relationship and like they are in control of it.
One way they do so is by making nasty jokes at her expense.
Or by commenting and remarking about their superior skills,
knowledge, and achievements.

Men who engage in one-upping often are afraid that their women do
not respect them enough.
Hence, they always try to parade their wins as if to say “look at me,
I’m better, and you should be happy you are with this great man”.

Here is an example:

https://youtu.be/AsxEIrp6Jy4

He cannot let her have a shiny moment but feels the need to re-assert
his (supposed) superiority.
Completely unnecessary, showing weakness much more than
strength.

PRO Tip: Advertise your wins, but in an inclusive fashion

It’s OK for men to advertise their wins, especially if they benefit both.
But they should do so tactfully, in a way that says “this was a great
win, it’s good for both” and “this was a great win, let’s celebrate it
together”.
The attitude is that your successes are not a show of
superiority towards her, but a huge win for you, and since you are
partners, it’s also a win for her. You are happy for her wins, she
should be happy for yours as well.
That’s the healthy way of winning and “showing off” those wins.

2. One Down
The other side of the coin of one-upping, and nastier: instead of
parading their wins, some men push their women down.
Some men need the reassurance of having a big gap between
themselves and their women, which also makes them feel powerful
and in control.

The fear here is that if she feels like she is above his own sexual
market value, she might become too independent and leave him.
Envy often underpins his fear and his “one down” efforts. Says one
researcher on spousal abuse:

Envy might prompt a husband to belittle his wife’s achievements to maintain

his superior rank in the marriage

The levels at which a woman becomes threatening for defensive-

minded men varies depending on his own level.
A fit, smart, high SMV billionaire will rarely feel threatened.
Furthermore, he might be more likely to understand his own mental
weaknesses and avoid resorting to put-downs.

A jobless, low SMV ma, is more prone to feel threatened and, thus,
more likely to resort to put-downs.
And this might be why spousal violence is more common among low-
income and low-status men.

At the lowest levels, men are afraid that a mentally healthy woman
with strong self-esteem would not be with them, so they need to keep
her emotionally frail and dependent.

The Hidden “One Down” Mindset: Stay Put, Please

Some men sometimes have a “one down” mindset without necessarily

pushing their women down.

But they will discourage her to not take her chances and not to
develop.
They will tell her to stay put, not to re-enter the workforce, not to travel
and not to learn new things.

The woman might sometimes never find out that his motives are dark
and selfish but, alas, they are more often so that we’d like to believe.

How Men Put Women One Down

The techniques that men use are:

– Poking fun at her

– Demeaning jokes about women in general
– Jokes about her race / nationality / background
– Nasty remarks
– Passive aggression
– Telling people -or family- stories that make her look bad
– Remind her of situations that make her feel bad
– Laughing loudly at her mistakes
– Pretending to misunderstand what she said in a way that makes her
look silly

3. Put-Downs
Put-downs are really ugly.

They can be physical or verbal, but they are aggressive and overtly
abusive in any case.

The cliche’ wants it that it’s frustrated and lower class men who resort
to verbal or physical abuse.
And sometimes that’s true.
But other times it’s men you’d never suspect.
Still, men don’t really control the relationship with put-downs but are
often fully under her spell.

Put-downs are the equivalent of children’s tantrums. And it’s exactly

her superiority -and her role as the judge- that these men resent and
that makes them lash out in anger.

Here is a good example of a put down from the movie “Un Borghese
Piccolo Piccolo”.
It’s the most emotionally painful movie I have ever seen and it’s really
good to understand the difference between the power of the judge role
and the apparent power of a weak man who resents her control:

You won’t understand the words, but you don’t need to:

https://youtu.be/YdyBTEWeTDo

She has become so used to his verbal abuse and she is so in control
of the relationship that she doesn’t even take him seriously.
Exactly like a baby tantrum.

Men must avoid this behavior at all costs.

It just screams “I am frustrated in life and I need to take it on you”.

4. Insecurity-Stirring Strategy
Some men will leverage women’s hot buttons to keep them insecure.

It’s a twisted, sometimes unconscious strategy that can hide behind

cutesy games and jokes.
Just imagine the following:
1. Grabbing her love handles
2. Hugging her, grabbing her ass and saying “chub chub”
3. She’s eating ice cream and he says “hey, easy with that!”

This story was as a former teaser to this same course: I used to grab
my ex-girlfriend’s calf and exclaim “chub chub”.
Only when she said “stop doing it or it will make me feel insecure”‘ I
realized what was truly going on.

Was I doing it unconsciously to make myself more powerful in the

relationship? Hard to say, but it’s certainly not to be excluded.

You will also notice that most of these jokes try to unsettle her at what
matters most to women: looks and femininity.

5. Sexist Jokes
This is the real low-level stuff like:

1. You wouldn’t understand this (because you’re a woman)

2. Go to the kitchen, woman (what a man used to say to a lover of
mine before she dumped him for and got him all desperate)
3. “Oh please, you would get all emotional and cry” (like all the other
women)

These are very weak power games.

First of all, it’s one of those cases where the accusation says much
worse about the accuser than the accused.
If a man thinks his wife is only good to be in the kitchen indeed, what
does it say about him for being in a relationship with her?

Often the sexist power games are weak attempts at control which only
confirm her power over him.
6. Mate Guarding (Restricting Her Freedom)
Mate guarding is a time-tested technique to avoid potential infidelity.

It consists of restricting her freedom and/or keeping an eye on her

moves.

The veil of Islamic countries, often presented as a religious and

cultural artifact, might instead be a tool for mate guarding and female
control.
The veil covers the face, which is one of the most important sexual
attraction signals, and thus undermines the natural man-woman
courtship process. Furthermore, by forcing women to put on a veil,
men are making a strong statement as to where the power lies in the
relationship and who lays down the law that needs to be obeyed.

Of course, hiding one’s mate is a very defensive play best suited for
average men who are afraid of mate poaching.
But don’t forget this: most men cluster around the average, so it
makes sense for the majority of men to insist on a restrictive culture.

7. Physical Sexual Repression

Across history, men have come up with some creative -and
oppressive- ways of defending against infidelity and guaranteeing
paternity.

Some of the are:

– Chastity belts
– Infibulation
– Circumcision (limits her sexual appetite)
8. Cultural Sexual Repression
In the West, the physical means of sexual repression are rare.

But the socio-cultural pressures against full female sexual freedom are
still raging on.
The cultural sexual repression is, at the core, the institutionalization of
the “Madonna-whore dichotomy”, such as that Madonna women are
good, and that the ones who sleep around are bad.

Why do men play the slut-shaming game?

Well, think about this: most high-status (and liberal) men enjoy “sluts”
as in “liberal women who enjoy sex” because that means more sex for
them.
But high-status men are the minority, and for most men, it’s safer to
keep women under a restrictive cultural leash to protect against
infidelity.

Furthermore, even liberal and high-status men gain from the slut-
shaming culture the moment they go steady or when they decide to
start a family.

Of course, when men dominate the culture, they bend said culture to
fit their own sexual agenda.
And “honor and shame” male culture ends up like this:

Honor for me if I sleep around, shame for you for doing the same.
Unless you’re sleeping with me, in which case we hide it so that we can keep
up this charade.

Truth to be told, an honor and shame mindset is natural to most men,

but it’s stronger in some men and in some cultures.
I’ve seen it often growing up in Italy.
The father of my sister in law professed, publicly and in front of all the
extended family:

If I hear any “stories” I take care of it personally, I don’t even let the
husband stain his hands with it

The “honor” in this case was also about “guaranteeing a high-quality

woman” to my brother and my family.
This is even more important when the man’s family has a higher social
status, since a good bride helps to make up for the status difference
with the bride’s quality.

Do Men Really Control The

Relationship?
Do men who use these tactics end up controlling the relationship?

Well, every relationship is somewhat different and we can’t make a

blanket rule.

Sometimes they do, yes.

But the majority of relationships are actually controlled by women, and
this includes relationships where he tries underhanded tricks to stay
on top.

As a matter of fact, these underhanded techniques are often used by

men who are already under her spell.
Men who are real leaders of their relationships rarely if ever engage in
any of these games.

Even physically abusive men, they often lash out against what they
perceive to be mentally abusive behavior from their spouses.
Abusive men often say their women are better at verbal production -in
general women are better speakers- and they are too good at pushing
their button.

That’s the description of men who feel judged and “owned” by their
women.

Many abusive men indeed feel dependent and subordinate, and they
rebel on their subordination with verbal and/or physical assault to re-
assert their independence and (lack of) superiority.

Some Men Do Control Their Relationships

However, as we have repeated many times over the course of this
course -pardon the cacophony-, exceptions abound.

And many men do are in control of their relationships.

These men who are dominant and de-facto leaders don’t really use
violence and aggression. Men who use (verbal) violence and coercion
can be dominant during their abusive spells, but they rarely are so on
the overall relationship and they are never high-quality men.

High-quality men are dominant and leaders in their relationships in a

totally different way. Their girlfriends -and the people around- want to
follow them.

Other Games
The games above are the most “dangerous” as they threaten her
psychological well being.
But here are some more games men use:

“You’re too sensitive”

Common power move to go from defensive to offensive.

She’s getting worked up about something?

Throw in that she’s too emotional, too sensitive, too over-reactive.

If she is indeed overreacting, this has a strong gaslighting effect. She

looks at his calmness, then at her own reaction and thinks “uh, oh, I
am indeed overreactive…”.

Correcting mistakes

Correcting mistakes is higher level way of one-upping and a neat way

to show intellectual superiority.

https://youtu.be/-Lon4M0DQbU

Challenging form instead of content

Correcting mistakes is especially insidious when used during

arguments.

He can focus on the form or on the small mistake instead of the

content (mistakes are also more likely to happen when she’s worked
up and emotional).

Then he underlines the mistake like a professor correcting the student,

and he pushes her over the edge.
Again, strong gaslighting effect.

Contemptuous disapproving

I have seen this one even from non-abusive men.

Their girlfriend says something they disagree with and they look down,
shake their heads derisively or smile with a contemptuous expression.

It’s as if these men are embarrassed by their girlfriend in public, and

make a big show of distancing themselves.

They present themselves as “I’m better than her” instead of standing

behind her.

Not cool.
If you’re with her, don’t be embarrassed of being with her. If you are,
seek a different mate.