SIBLINGS

The word "SIBLING" refers to brothers and sisters and siblings

playing a significant role in each others’ development.

"Siblings are, for better and for worse, each other’s ultimate
fellow travellers. Whether their bonds are comfortable or
uncomfortable, or a little of both, they are co-voyagers in a world
without many enduring reference points" (Bank & Kahn, 1997, p.
xvii).

Relationships between brothers and sisters have often been called

life’s most influential and longest-lasting relationships-lasting
longer than ties to parents, spouses, or children (Bank & Kahn,
1997).

The term "Sibling Rivalry" refers to the feeling of

competitiveness amongst siblings-and this may show up as
resentment, fighting, “being bossy”, “becoming aggressive”,
sulking, becoming shy or introverted and in many other ways. It
is not unnatural for most siblings to go through these feelings-
and they swing between a love-hate relationship almost on a day-
to-day basis.

In a research study conducted amongst parents with 2 or more

children, it was found that

• 30% of the children went through love-hate relationships

• 25% were mean to each other (sometimes very mean!)
• 7% were each other’s worst enemies
• Only 30% were the best of friends!
Who gets what? Who does what? Who goes first? Who gets the
most? Who’s right? Who’s better? Fighting for who sits in the
front seat of the car, or which show they can watch together on
TV, or whose bedtime story mummy reads out first –the list is
endless and may seem very commonplace to parents. However,
for the siblings, there are always reasons-some basic and some
deep-seated. And it is for the parents to understand these reasons
and resolve the conflict before it leaves a deep-seated impact on
the impressionable minds of the children and plays out in
undesirable behavioral patterns at a later stage(there are instances
of some children resorting to unacceptable means of attracting
attention from parents just because they felt that their sibling got
more attention and parents didn’t have time for him).

Sibling Rivalry sets in before a new child joins a family that

already has one or more children. And with the actual arrival of
the younger child, the family begins to experience a “little”
person with his or her temperament, likes and dislikes. And while
the family grapples with adjusting to this situation, it is the older
child who has the maximum amount of trouble relating to and
appreciating all the fuss around the baby.

Parents will agree that it is very frustrating to see/hear your

children fight. Most of the time parents cannot even understand
the reason for the fight and try various methods to resolve the
conflict-given situation at hand. Very often the solutions arrived
at to resolve ongoing sibling conflict may result in stress between
couples (as one may believe that the other is being too harsh in
resolving the conflict or may disagree with the solutions arrived
at or some such thing).
Let’s try to understand why siblings fight and how parents can
help kids to get along better and let peace prevail around the
house.

Handling Early Sibling Rivalry-During Pregnancy (before

the birth of a new baby)

“What’s all the fuss about?” Probably your child’s first thoughts
when he sees the family preparing for the arrival of the newborn.
And the moment he learns that a smaller baby is due to arrive
(and he will no longer be the “baby of the house”) his mind
begins to run wild. And his first thoughts are most likely to be
that he will be abandoned and the new baby will take his place.
Parents need to provide a lot of reassurance to their children that
it is not so. And in this case, actions speak louder than words of
reassurance. The things you can do are-

• Revisit-the baby days of your older child and make her feel
special. Talk about everything that happened from the time
that you were expecting her. Let her see the likeness to the
current situation. Talk about her toys, her sleeping, how she
took her first step, and how you as the elder helped her all
along. Show her the baby book that you may have made from
her first day. All this will help her understand that she got the
same treatment when she was a baby and also help her
prepare herself to accept a new baby in the house. And help
her understand the kinds of activities she will see happening
in the house.
• Reinforce- Help your child reinforce confidence in her world-
which is her family and her friends. With the baby’s help,
build a scrapbook containing pictures of your home, your
pets, yourself, the baby’s friends and her school, etc. Add
photos of any vacations that you may have taken and other
happy moments spent together. Make sure that there are a lot
of pictures of you and her together. This will boost her
confidence and give her an anchor to hold on to while you are
away for your delivery. Children like familiar things-the
scrapbook will give her many familiar memories in one place.
• Remember-In this period the child will notice a lot of new
activities happening around the house. Make sure that none of
the activities that earlier involved your child and you are
discontinued. This will help the child feel secure. Continue
 your meals at the table, reading stories before bedtime and
other such activities as much as you can.
• Refrain-Your baby may not be ready to “grow up” just
because another one is on his way. She still loves her crib, her
soft toys, her little blanket, and a little soft pillow. Don’t take
away the baby’s things for the new arrival. You will have to
give your older child her “special things” and only then can
you use her baby stuff for the new arrival. For instance, you
may get your older child her bed and decorate it to make it
special for her. Once she begins to think of it as her own, you
can then use her baby crib for your new arrival.
Handling Early Sibling Rivalry-Once the baby is home from
the hospital

• Involve your older child in bringing up baby-Ask your child

to be at your side while feeding, bathing, changing the baby.
Or even when you take the baby for a stroll. Let him help you
with small chores such as fetching stuff, handing you things,
pushing the stroller, or even humming a nursery rhyme to
calm a crying baby. Make him feel that you couldn’t have
done it well enough without his help. This will make your
child feel that he is a part of the upbringing and feel
responsible towards the baby instead of resenting him.
• Make time-Taking care of a small baby will certainly take
away a lot of your time. Remember to slot exclusive time for
your older child ideally in doing an activity that he enjoys.
And set up a fixed time in the day when you will do the
activity with him (when your baby is a few weeks old, his
sleeping will fall into a pattern and you will know when you
are free to schedule activities with the older child)
• “No one talks about me any longer”-Your child is quite likely
to feel this (even though they may not be able to articulate it).
This is especially pronounced when people are visiting-and
gushing over the new baby-giving his gifts and all their
attention. In such a situation the older child is very likely to
feel left out and develop negative feelings towards the
newborn. Please tell your visitors about the feelings your
older child is having and request them to pay attention to your
older child as well. Everyone has families-and will readily
understand and respond.
• Familiarity leads to a feeling of safety- After the birth of a
new baby, your older child may misbehave deliberately or
show a lack of discipline which may come as a surprise to
you. This is a way for children to test the limits of what they
can and cannot do (especially now that mummy has someone
else to care for). Show your older child you care. And there’s
no better way of doing this than keeping the rules consistent
with what they were before the newborn came along. Your
child will understand that things haven’t changed-will feel
cared for and safe and fall back in line.
The sibling rivalry between toddlers

Toddlers and preschoolers display regressive behavior as a sign

of sibling rivalry. What this means is that they may start behaving
as they did when they were younger. Some may start wetting
their pants again, and some may return to thumb sucking. This
behavior does not last more than a few weeks when they realize
that their parents are not going to abandon them. Once this
realization settles in they get back on the track of their
development cycle.

A few tips while handling toddlers-

• Don’t compare-Each child is different. And has his talents.

Focus on your children’s talents and avoid comparisons. This
will help children learn to look for positive traits in
themselves instead of feeling inferior to their siblings. And
don’t forget to compliment your child in their activities
• Don’t ever say things like –“I wish you were more like your
brother”. This is sure to get children feeling terrible about
themselves.
• Give time to both children and pay attention to their activities.
It’s difficult, but then who said parenting was easy? Identify
their strengths in the activities they like and compliment them
– it’s reassuring for children to see that the parents are paying
attention to their day-to-day stuff.
Older Siblings- Finding solutions amongst siblings of all ages

A lot of what we have said earlier holds for older siblings as well.
Also, you may like to keep the following points in mind-

• Parenting Styles-Discuss the important issues with your

partner so that conflict arising out of different parenting styles
is not visible to children. Children are likely to use this
conflict to get what they want especially if different parents
are supporting different siblings on a specific issue
• Do not in any way stress competition among siblings.
Children interpret this as “being loved is conditional” and
develop negative feelings towards their sibling.
• Rules will save the day for you-Set the rules for important
activities-from the mundane activities such as “everyone must
eat at the table together” to special ones like “amount of
money to be spent on a birthday party”. Rules help children
understand that they are equal for their parents and foster
bonding amongst siblings.
 SIBLINGS – Case Study

The Negotiation Technique

My two children Mahira and Rohan, aged 11 and 9 got into a

terrible fight about something and all hell broke loose. I did not
interfere for some time hoping that they would sort it out between
themselves, but when that did not happen I entered the room and
this is what I tried.

I sat them down in two chairs facing each other, but far enough
apart they couldn’t reach each other.

I addressed them one by one and gave them the simplest of

instructions. First I told Mahira -“You may leave your chairs
when you give each other permission to do so. You may not get
up until your brother permits you and he cannot get up until you
permit him.” (Then I repeated the same thing to Rohan.) “When
you are both ready to grant permission to each other, then you
can get up. Take your time but do not expect me to be around to
tell you what to do beyond this” Rohan disagreed with the rules
set by me. But I made it clear that I was not going to be deterred
and they were going to have to go through this as I wanted.
Rohan’s look changed from defiant to irritated, to one of
submission and he quietly went and sat on his chair.

What is likely to happen?

First, the kids are likely to display loud behavior and may resort
to calling each other names. This is their anger showing up (at
having to sort it out on their own!) A lot of times this kind of
behavior is also intended to pull you back into the room. So the
right thing for you to do is to stay out of listening distance

Once the kids realize that it is now up to them to sort this out-
they will most surely arrive at a solution. They may argue about it
for some time (each trying to push his ideas in and sometimes
taking over half an hour to arrive at a compromise) but will reach
a compromise because that is the only way out of the situation. It
may not be the solution you had in mind but you must honor the
children’s solution because they will.

The beauty of this technique is that it helps children understand

that they are responsible for their actions and for the decisions
(solutions) that they make. Problem-solving is a learned skill –it
helps children learn through experience. And this kind of learning
stays with them through life.
 TOP CONCERNS
• I have just had a second baby and my firstborn is extremely
jealous of her. She tries her best to attract my attention and
complains I love my newborn baby more than her?

This is natural because the newborn is now “sharing” your

child’s most valued resource-“YOU”. Your child’s world
revolves around you and having to share you with someone is
painful for her. Mothers have to give the newborn a lot of
time and attention (spent bathing, feeding, changing, etc) and
the older child begins to feel left out and starts complaining.

Make a special time for your older child so that she knows
you care. Do her favourite activities (the ones you did with
her before your baby came along). This will make her feel
wanted and secure.

Show your older child her baby albums and talk about the
things she did when she was a newborn. Talk about the little
things that she did and the special things you did for her. This
will help her understand that babies need special care.

And then involve her in helping with small chores with the
baby-like handing over things, singing songs to a cranky
baby, etc. And tell her how much you appreciate her help.
 TOP CONCERNS
• I have a five-year-old and a 3-month-old baby. My older
child has suddenly become disobedient, she occasionally
soils her clothes even though she is fully potty trained. I feel
she is jealous of the newborn. What can I do to ease the
situation?

You are right. Your child is jealous of the baby. This is what
you need to do. First, you need to understand that
disobedience is a way of expressing anger-because children
don’t verbalize very well. Help her understand that it’s fine to
complain to mummy if she is unhappy about something. In
fact, help her along by complaining to her. Complain about
how much work you need to do with the new baby, about
how much time he takes up. Tell her that you are so happy
that she is finally a big girl and can do a lot of her work on
her own. And that she doesn’t spoil her clothes, that she can
understand when you want her to do something. She will be
encouraged to voice her feelings about the baby to you. And
when she does, comfort her. Tell her “When you are unhappy
with your little brother, come to Mummy for a big hug”.
 TOP CONCERNS
• Nursing the newborn and being able to find time for my
older child are becoming impossible. How do I manage
this?

Include your older child in bringing up the baby. Get them to be

with you when bathing or changing the baby. They can also
help by handing you things like soap, a squeeze toy or the
diaper bag, and so on. While feeding the baby, you can play a
game with the older child. Baby’s take up a lot of time form the
mother’s schedule-but it is not so for the rest of the family.
Make sure that the father and other relatives/friends spend a lot
of time with the older child and their day to day activities are
not discontinued as a result of the arrival of the newborn.
Because if this happens, sibling rivalry is certain to take root as
children think that they have lost something due to the arrival
of the newborn.
 TOP CONCERNS
• My son who is three gets really mad every time I ask him
to be quiet around the house. He makes sure that he
creates a huge noise especially when the baby is sleeping.
What should I do?

Like adults, children find it difficult to change their behavior.

Your son will hate it when he has to be quiet around the house
for a baby (who in any case is such a lot of trouble with the
feeding and cleaning and so on). If your baby gets conditioned
to sleeping with the older brother creating noise around the
house –he will peacefully sleep through it at all times.
 TOP CONCERNS
• My daughter aged 4 ½ completely ignores the baby as if he
just doesn’t exist. She behaves as if there is no change or
addition to the family and expects all of us to do the same.
Help!

Your daughter is trying to get back to a time when the baby was
not born and she had all the love and attention of the
household. And she didn’t have to share any of it. So she
wishes the baby wasn’t there and pretends he isn’t.Give her
reasons to feel wonderful now that she is big. Tell her about the
qualities she has which only big girls can have. Tell her that
you just love having a big girl in the house. This will help her
feel proud of being big. She will understand that she is special
and that mummy loves her big girl.

Help her acknowledge the baby and to interact with him. Let
her touch the baby, play with the baby, sit alongside the baby,
and talk to him. Let her hold the baby (while sitting on a bed to
avoid the fear of any mishap) Avoid saying “Don’t touch the
baby.” Build trust in your child. Do this under your
supervision-but never make the older child feel your anxiety
when she is touching the newborn. However, you can’t allow
the sibling to carry the baby until he reaches school age.

While your children are interacting say things like “How are
my two babies doing? Are they having fun?” Or better still
“How is my big girl taking care of her little brother. She is
happy to have you sit next to him”.
 TOP CONCERNS
• My children fight, and then come to me trying to prove that
each one is right. How can I help them find a solution on
their own?

The first thing to understand as parents is that as much as

children fight to win over the sibling, they also do so to gain
parental attention. So don’t mediate. You will always be
accused of taking sides no matter how fair you try to be in
your judgment.

Encourage them to find a solution on their own. As a first step

you could separate them and take away the reason for the
conflict (so for instance taking away the toy they both want
OR switching off the TV on which they both want to watch
their favourite channel). Let them cool off and understand
that fighting will help none of them. Tell them to work out a
solution on how to get the toy back and how they will play
with it without fighting (for instance they may come back
saying that they will play with it one after the other).