Communicating

in Relationships
Module Eight
Conversation Messages
Part 1/2
The 5 Stages: The Conversation Process

PRINCIPLES OF CONVERSATION
 Conversation is a Developmental
Process
• Opening
• Feedforward
• Business
• Feedback
• Closing

Opening: “Hi! What’s going on?”

Feedforward: “You remember that file import problem we were having ?”
Business: “I’ve just found a new and faster way to import a file.”
Feedback: “So, let me know if you may want to try it.”
Closing: “Okay, got to go...”
The Conversation Process
• Opening
• Some form of greeting “Hello”, “Hi, how are you?”
• May be verbal, nonverbal, or a combination of both
• Feedforward
• Provide a general idea of the conversation topic
• Preview future messages
• Altercast
• Disclaim

• Business
• The substance or focus of the conversation; usually goal-directed

• Feedback
• Opposite of feedforward
• Reflect back on the conversation

• Closing
• Opposite of Opening
• Often reveals level of satisfaction with the conversation
• May be verbal, nonverbal, or a combination of both

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Conversation is a dialogue
Conversation is polite

PRINCIPLES OF CONVERSATION
Conversation is Dialogic
• Involves genuine two-way interaction
• Dialogue—each person is sender, receiver, and listener
• Monologue—one person speaks and the other listens

• To increase dialogue:
• Show respect
• Avoid negative criticism
• Keep channels open
• Avoid manipulating the conversation
Conversation is Polite
• Be tactful - helps to maintain the listener’s autonomy and
right to think and decide as they wish

• Be considerate or generous

• Use positive acknowledgment

• Be modest

• Find areas of agreement

• Express sympathy or empathy where appropriate

Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure
Rewards and Dangers of Self-Disclosure
Guidelines for Self-Disclosure

SELF DISCLOSURE
Self Disclosure
• You are revealing information about yourself to
others

• You can self-disclose through:

• May reveal information or feelings

• Must be interpersonal → must involve at least

one other person

• Must be clearly communicated (if receiver

doesn’t understand the message, then self-
disclosure has not taken place)
Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

Many factors influence whether or not you disclose

information, which information you disclose, and to whom you
disclose it.

The most important of these factors include:

• Your personality – who you are
• Your culture
• Your gender
• Your listeners
• Your topic
• The medium

• Let’s take a look at each of these factors more closely . . .

Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

1. Who you are

• Highly sociable and extroverted people self-disclose more than

those who are less sociable and more introverted

• People who are apprehensive about talking in general also self-

disclose less than those more comfortable with communicating
Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

2. Your culture

• Some cultures view disclosing one’s inner feelings as a

weakness

• Disclosure on social networks

• Greater in individualistic societies than in collectivist societies

• Across cultures – it is more likely to reveal information about

hobbies, interests, attitudes, and opinions than to discuss
personal finances, sex matters, personality, and interpersonal
relationships (Jourard, 1971)
Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure
3. Your gender

• Recent research demonstrates much less gender difference than

was thought earlier
• No difference in online forums or online chatting

• Females tend to discuss more intimate personal information with

close friends than males

• Males tend to share more information initially in a new relationship

whereas women tend to gradually share more over time
Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

4. Your listeners

• More likely in open than in closed relationships

• More likely to disclose to people you like and trust, or people you
love

• Self disclosure occurs more readily in small groups than large groups
with dyads being the most hospitable situation for disclosure

• Disclosure can take place in public speaking situations – e.g.

alcoholics anonymous, where people are bound to be supportive

• At times disclosure happens in temporary relationships – e.g. on

planes, trains, or on the internet, where you are unlikely to
encounter that person again, and that person has no exposure to
your significant relationships
Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

5. Your topic

• You are more likely to disclose about some topics than others

• You are more likely to disclose favourable information than unfavourable

• The more personal and negative the topic, the less likely someone is to
disclose the information

• Considerations of culture, modesty and humility can inhibit disclosure

Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

6. The medium

• The medium of communication is an important factor

• Mode of communication
• Context of the interaction
• Trust for the social media site
The Rewards of Self-Disclosure

What might be some of the rewards of self-disclosure?

1. Greater self-knowledge

• Gain a new perspective on yourself and a deeper

understanding of your own behaviour

• Through self-disclosure you might bring to consciousness

things that otherwise have remained unconscious
The Rewards of Self-Disclosure

2. Increased communication effectiveness

• Communication and relationship effectiveness

• You understand the messages of another person largely to the extent

that you understand that person. Self-disclosure is an essential
condition for getting to know another individual

• Couples who engage in significant self-disclosure have been shown to

stay together longer than couples who do not (Sprecher, 1987)

• Self-disclosure helps us achieve a closer relationship with the person to

whom we disclose

• Without self-disclosure, meaningful relationships seem impossible to

develop
The Rewards of Self-Disclosure

3. Better physiological health

• People who self-disclose are less vulnerable to illnesses and

less likely to feel depressed (Pennebacker, 1991)

• Likewise, trauma victims who disclose and talk about their

experience are less likely to suffer from physical symptoms
such as headaches and stomach problems

• The physiological effort required to keep your burdens to

yourself seems to interact with the effects of the trauma to
create a combined stress that can lead to physical illness.
The Dangers of Self-Disclosure

What might be some of the dangers or risks of self-

disclosure?

1. Personal Risks

• Self-disclosure of negative information can lead to rejection

• This can happen even with close friends and family members

• Being ostracized from a group is one of the biggest personal dangers

to self-disclosure, and can happen on-line as well as face-to-face
The Dangers of Self-Disclosure

2. Relationship Risks

• Total self-disclosure can prove threatening to a relationship by

decreasing trust
• e.g. self-disclosures about things such as:
• infidelity
• past indiscretions
• crimes, or lies
• hidden weaknesses and fears
The Dangers of Self-Disclosure

3. Professional Risks

• Employers can, and do, access personal information you have posted
online

• Revealing political views or religious affiliations, or personal health

problems can create problems on the job
Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures

In trying to answer the question “Should I disclose?” consider the

following:

1. Understand your motivation.

2. Judge the appropriateness.
3. Disclose gradually . . . assess whether the self-disclosure is
reciprocal.
4. Weigh the potential problems that disclosure may cause.
Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures

1. Understand your motivation

What would be an appropriate motivation for self-disclosure?

• Always self-disclose out of concern for either

• the relationship
• the others involved
• yourself

• Never self-disclose with a desire to hurt the listener rather than

improve the relationship → this often happens in high emotional
situations and in response to being hurt by the other person
Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures

2. Judge the appropriateness

• Appropriate self-disclosures involve:

• honest expressions of feelings
• past behaviours that another has the right to know
• personal abilities, or lack of them

• Self-disclose in an atmosphere in which the other person has the

ability to give an open and honest response
Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures

3. Assess whether the self-disclosure is reciprocal

• During your self-disclosure, give the other person the opportunity to

reciprocate with his/her own disclosures

• If the other person does not reciprocate, reassess your own self-
disclosure

• The lack of reciprocity may signal that the other person does not
welcome your disclosure at this time and place, or in this context

• Disclose gradually, and in small increments so that you can retreat if the
responses are not positive enough

• Remember that failure to reciprocate may also be a cultural difference

→ in some cultures, personal self-disclosure only happens after a long-
standing relationship is established
Guidelines for Making Self-Disclosures

4. Weigh the potential problems that disclosure may cause

• Assess whether you are making unreasonable demands on the

listener

• Does disclosing the information put the listener in a moral bind →

should they keep your confidence or not?

• Does the disclosure involve children that are not mature enough to
understand or handle to information (e.g. parents who disclose
marital strife or arguments)
 Guidelines for Responding to Self-
Disclosures
When someone discloses to you, it is usually with trust and affection. What
is an appropriate response to someone’s self-disclosure? → Discuss

When receiving this information, keep the following points in mind:

• Listen with empathy and an open mind – Active Listening

• Express support verbally and nonverbally and reinforce the discloser
• Be willing to reciprocate.
• Keep disclosures confidential.
• Remember that self-disclosure is usually a sign of trust and affection.

• Let’s look at each of these more closely . . .

Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-
Disclosure

1. Don’t be pushed

• Aside from certain legal or ethical reasons, if you don’t want to

disclose, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do so

• You are in control of what you reveal, to whom, and when

• If unsure, take additional time to think about it . . . Remember that

disclosure can come with consequences, and you can’t take back
something once it has been said
Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-
Disclosure

2. Be indirect and move to another topic

• Alternatively,

• Avoid the question that asks you to disclose, and change the subject

• This is often a polite way of saying “I’m not talking about it”

• Most often people will get the hint and understand your refusal to
disclose

If they don’t, then be more assertive

Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-
Disclosure
3. Delay a Decision

If you feel uncomfortable refusing,

“This isn’t the right time or place for this conversation”
“I need to think it over before I answer”
Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-
Disclosure

4. Be assertive in your refusal to disclose

• be direct and clear in your refusal to disclose

• e.g. “Now is not the time for this type of discussion.”, or

“I’d rather not talk about that now.”
End of Lesson 8 – Part 1

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Communicating
in Relationships
Module Eight
Conversation Messages
Part 2/2
Small talk
Introducing people
Apologies
Complementing
Giving advice

EVERYDAY CONVERSATIONS
Small Talk
• Can be an introduction to the main topic
• Can be used as a politeness strategy
• Can be an extension of saying hello

• Some relationships never evolve past the level of small talk

• E.g. barber, bus driver
Small Talk
• Be positive
• Talk about noncontroversial topics
• Be sensitive to leave-taking cues
• Talk in short sequences
• Stress similarities rather than differences
• Answer questions with enough elaboration to provide information
to extend into a dialogue if desired
Introducing People
• A strong introduction introduces each person and gives the two
something to talk about.

• First names or last names

• Mispronunciations of names
• How much information to give
• Culturally appropriate behaviour
• Differences
• Verbal and nonverbal gestures
Apologies
• Express regret and sorrow for something you have said or done.

• An effective apology is situation specific.

• Admit wrongdoing if it occurred
• Accept responsibility
• Be apologetic
• Be specific
• Empathize
• Give assurance
• Avoid excuses
• Choose the appropriate channel
 Complimenting
Guidelines for Giving a
Compliment
• Be real and honest.
• Compliment in moderation.
• Be totally complimentary; avoid
backhand compliments.
• Be specific.
• Be personal in your own
feelings.
Guidelines for Receiving a
Compliment
• Accept the compliment.
• Smile with eye contact.
• Say “thank you.”
• Consider a personal reflection
about the compliment and why
its important to you.
 Advice Giving
• Listen
• Does the person want advice, or just support and active listening

• Empathize
• Recall similar situations and how you felt
• Try to put yourself in their place

• Be tentative
• Qualify your advice . . . How sure (or unsure) are you?

• Ensure understanding
• Use feedback to be sure the receiver has properly understood the advice you have offered

• Keep it confidential
• It isn’t your information to disclose

• Avoid should statements

• People seeking advice still have to make their own decisions and take responsibility for
them
Responding to Advice
• Accept the advice
• Doesn’t mean you have to follow it, just listen to it and process it

• Avoid negative responses

• Resist the temptation to retaliate or criticize if you don’t like the advice

• Interact with the advice

• Talk about the advice with the advice giver to produce added insight into
the situation

• Express appreciation
• Regardless of how you feel about the advice, offer appreciation for it . . .
It is often difficult to give advice, show your appreciation for their effort
End of Lesson 8 – Part 2

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Lesson 8