Textbook: Theories of Love

Reading: Why Love Makes Us Act So Irrationally; The Chemistry Behind a Fool in Love
● The sensory, molecular, and biochemical processes involved in love, as well as mating,
have led humans to do some infamously foolish things
● Love and addiction tend to release the same chemicals
○ Neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are all attributed to
the feeling of love at first sight
■ All of these are also released upon taking narcotics
■ This type of love is more a type of lust since its attributed mainly to sex
hormones such as estrogens (including but not limited to testosterone)
and androgens
● Attraction or that romantic, more passionate love that usually occurs in the first stages of
a relationship is characterized by obsessive behaviour, focused attention, intense
cravings as well as the experience of euphoria when things are going well but terrible
mood swings when they aren’t
○ This is due to extremely high dopamine, PEA (phenylethylamine) a
norepinephrine with plenty of adrenaline but slow serotonin levels
○ This is the stage of love when people act the most irrational, impulsive, and
emotional - direct similarities to the emotional mind frame of addiction
● Dopamine is the “desire and reward chemical” triggering an immense rush of pleasure
as a reward when its released
○ Responsible for learning new behaviours and the feeling of disappointment when
expected rewards are not presented
○ Its decreased lets us know we are acting inappropriately and need to repeat
behaviours that led us to the reward in the past
● Adrenaline increases heart rate, contracts blood vessels, dilates air passages and
participates
○ Fight or flight
○ Tends to make us particularly impulsive and irrational because it tells our body it
better act quick or its going to lose everything
○ This might cause us to become bored and restless as the relationship progresses
into its deeper, more stable stages
● Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline in that it plays a big role in fight or flight
responses including a direct increase in heart rate, the release of glucose from energy
stores, and an increase in blood flow to skeletal muscle
○ Both a neurotransmitter and a hormone, it is synthesized with dopamine
○ Can cause us to act brashly upon our first impulsiveness as it affects alertness,
awareness, arousal, and reward systems
■ Ex. acting more inappropriate than usual when jealous, jump to
conclusions, or become over-anxious due to signs of trouble that may be
completely unnoticeable or nonexistent to others
 ○ PEA is a neurotransmitter that speeds up the flow of information between nerve
cells
■ Released in the limbic system of our brains which controls our basic
needs, emotions, and desires such as hunger, thirst, sleep, joy, sadness,
and sex
● Most primal and animalistic part of our psyche
■ When this part kicks in, it may disregard its directions
● The feeling of a true bond with someone or rather the sense of calm, peace, and stability
this bond causes is attributed to the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin which is
released during childbirth, milk production and orgasms
○ Why that the more sex a couple has the deeper their bond is scientific fact
○ Different than addiction because no drug can replicate the release of these
hormones
● “Love withdrawals” - dopamine receptors that previously fired more are no longer
activated, less chemicals flood the body causing withdrawal effects such as depression,
laziness, anxiety, loss of interest, loss of or increased appetite, restlessness, irritability,
irrationality, and hopelessness
○ Heartbreak is the intense anxiety
○ May feel slow as PEA is no longer speeding up neural impulses

Lecture Week #3: theories about love

Can we define love?
Love: intimacy with, caring for, and commitment to another person
● Reis & Aron, 2008
○ “desire to enter, maintain, or expand a close, connected, and ongoing
relationship with another person or entity
● Erich fromm (1956)
○ “Love is something one does, not a state one is in”
● Fehr (1988)
○ Asked participants to list key “features of love” and then asked a second sample
to rate the importance of these features
■ Central to love were trust and caring
■ Uncertainty and butterflies were considered to be peripheral
○ People also describe love and joy similarly
■ Love = specific
■ Joy = generalized

Brief History of Love

● Most people would not marry someone who had all the qualities they were looking for in
a partner but were not in love with
 ○ In the past, however, people married for political, economic, practical, and family
reasons ----- not love
Ancient Greece
● Passionate attraction to another person considered a form of madness, not love
○ Platonic love was the most admired (e.g. between two men)
Ancient Egypt
● Royalty often married their siblings
● Hoped that married couples would be friends and get along
1100’s
● Heterosexual love took on more positive connotations
● Knights sought love as a noble quest
1200’s to 1500’s (Late Middle Ages)
● Marriage not romantic, a serious matter
● Passionate, romantic love considered “dangerous trapdoor leading to hell” not even
condoned between husband and wife(Ackerman, 2004)
● People in love prevented from being together by death or marriage to others
1600’s to 1700’s
● Romance and passion could be linked to marriage
○ But idea was not widespread
● Today
○ Marriage for love not common in all parts of the world
1967
● 76% of women and 35% of men would have married an otherwise perfect partner who
they did not love
Today
● BY THE 1980’s 91% of women and 86% of men say that they would not marry someone
without feeling romantic love

Soulmates
● Person who is temperamentally suited to another
○ High scores on intimacy, commitment, passion, value similarity, and needs
fulfillment
○ Profound connection
○ Mystical element
○ Best friend, confidante, and romantic partner
○ Willingness to work together
● Time consuming search
● High reward - high risk

How do we know we’re in love?

● romantic/passionate love
○ State of intense longing for union with another
 ■ Lust = sexual arousal/physical state
■ Sexual desire = psychological state
● Companionate love
○ Affection for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined
○ Within 6 to 30 months window in a relationship
■ Intimacy, commitment, and affection
● Passionate love
○ Some common terms for passionate love are romantic love, infatuation, love
sickness or obsessive love

Two hearts beating as one?

● Cliche or truth?
● Two research studies
○ 2012 - staring into each others eyes
■ Sync of heart rates
○ 2011 - walking on fire
■ Had the contestant walk on fire and people who are for them to
watch and wear heart rate monitors

Romantic/passionate love
● 2 components
○ Physical arousal (e.g. fast heart beat)
○ Attribution of arousal to a person
● Misattributions (excitation transfer)
○ Arousal caused by one event attributed to a second event which seems
more influential than it really is
■ E.g. Bridge Study (Dutton & Aron, 1974)

Is love blind?
● Yes!
○ People consistently underestimate a lover’s faults, hold idealized images
of their lovers
○ Seeings our partners as positive and desirable raises our self-esteem

Friendship and love (whats the difference)

● An attachment between two people
● Similarities
○ Level of acceptance (liking, positive evaluation)
○ Trust and respect
○ Levels of confiding
 ○ Understanding
○ Satisfaction and happiness
● Differences
○ Greater fascination/infatuation for a partner
○ Greater sense of exclusiveness
● Friendship is the foundation for deeper love
● Deep friendships more common and can be a source of conflict in love
relationships

The friend zone

● A platonic relationship
○ But only invoked where one party wishes the relationship were sexual/romantic
● Affects men and women
● A way of categorizing people who are amazing, but not quite what you're looking for in a
romantic partner

Same-sex love
● Lesbian and gay couples
○ High rates of relationship satisfaction
○ But break up more frequently
○ Men do not socialize to discuss emotional needs - can be a challenge in gay
relationships
○ Long term, manogamous relationships may not be supported by all in the gay
community
■ But newer research suggests that same sex commitment is just as stable
as opposite sex commitment

Age differences in love

● Do we love differently with age?
○ Age confounded with experience
○ Older = longer relationships and greater number of relationships overall
○ People mellow with age
■ Less physical arousal
■ Less intense
■ More positive overall

Love across cultures

● Cross cultural similarities in concepts of passionate and companionate love
● Cross culturally, individuals values intelligence, kindness, and understanding in a mate
● Differences in the importance of passionate love and intimacy for marriage vs. benefits
to family and others
Theories and Models of Love
Why do we love?
● Evolutionary theorists suggest that love is a “commitment device”
○ Leads people to forego attractive immediate rewards in favour of longer term
benefits
● After focusing on love for current partner
○ People report fewer thoughts about an attractive alternative and recalled fewer
attractiveness-related details about the alternative than those told to focus on
their desire for their current partner (Gozaga et al,. 2008)
● Crucial that love carries on long enough for raising children

Evolutionary theories
● Lust
○ Sex drive, regulated by hormones
○ Drives reproduction by motivating us to mate with others
● Attachment
○ Feelings of comfort and security which keep couples together long enough to
raise children
○ Drives companionate love, fueled by oxytocin

The BioChemical theory

● Love results from biological, chemical hormones
○ Same feeling as cocaine (stimulants)
● Passionate is linked with arousal
○ Research shows more focus on partner and avoidance of alternatives
● Companionate love linked with bonding
○ Fulfilling attachment-related functions
○ Part of relationship maintenance

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love

● Intimacy
○ Feelings of warmth, understanding, communication, support, and sharing
● Passion
○ Physical arousal and desire
○ Secual longing
○ Strong emotional need
● Commitment
○ Decisions to devote oneself to a relationship and to work to maintain it
 \

Health benefits of love

● Companionate love associated with health and well-being
○ Partners help encourage healthy behaviours
○ Positive mood increases health
○ Perceived partner responsiveness
■ The tendency to believe others are understanding, caring, and supportive

The dark side of love

● Any negative consequences to being in love…
○ Mood swings
○ Emotional disorders (e.g. anxiety, depression)
○ Feelings of rejection, abandonment, jealousy, and grief

Summary
● There are many ways to understand, conceptualize and theorize love
● Building close relationships involves being open to others and engaging in
self-disclosure
● Love is a phenomenon that most of us will experience